Son of a Critch (2022) s04e11 Episode Script

1
HOST: [ON TV] Alright, ladies!
Are you ready for the next round?
POP: Hm
Where is everybody?
Out?
Well, what time is it?
Almost 11.
You've been sleeping a lot lately.
Yeah, well, it's so quiet
back there with you gone.
And why aren't you at school?
No school today.
Something wrong with the boiler.
- [ALARM RINGING]
- The light went on!
Get out! Go, go, go!
We're all gonna die!
Day off.
I'm gonna watch "The Price is Right,"
"Donahue," maybe some soaps?
You know, we're paying
that school too much.
School's free.
Yeah.
Commie nuns!
Alright.
I'm gonna give you a real education.
Yeah, get your coat!
Hey, you're
you're still in your PJ's!
You know, nobody likes a smarty pants.
But everyone loves pants.
[TV GAME SHOW PLAYING IN BACKGROUND]
[GASPS]
Oh! I loves it.
[GASPS]
It's white, Mom.
- SUZANNE: Mm-hm?
- Whoa white!
[SIGHS]
It's fun!
You look really pretty, Mrs. Critch.
- MARY: Oh!
- SUZANNE: You do!
Nothing but the best
for my Maid of Honour.
Sweet Jesus, the price!
- Oh!
- Maybe the second best will do.
- Stunning!
- Thanks!
Oh !
Yes
I'll pull a couple of other options.
I likes this one.
Have you ever modelled?
Well, as a matter of fact,
I did just get my Glamour Shot done.
You would be the perfect
person to represent our shop
in the "Miss Mall"
pageant this afternoon.
We just had a model drop out.
Oh, I don't know.
I'm a little bit old to be a bride.
A lot of our business
is second marriages now.
Please, Madame?
Do it, Mrs. Critch. I bet you'll win.
I'll give you
10 percent off your dress.
Thirty.
Twenty-five.
Deal!
Deadly!
[GIGGLES]
Good luck, Mrs. Critch.
I bet it'll be fun.
Bye.
Hmm.
- Take your pick.
- Oh, frig off.
I'm not modelling in
no stupid fashion show.
Eh, you wanted a shift, you got one!
Now, if you wanna keep your job,
you're gonna be the It Store's model
in the Miss Mall show, missy!
And don't miss the glamour
later this afternoon
as 21 stores compete for the
coveted crown of "Miss Mall"!
And it's all hosted by me, Dick Dunphy.
The best Dick to host
a pageant since Clark!
Look at our youngsters, Mike.
Our dynasties, mingling.
I don't like to talk about
personal stuff at work, alright?
I don't even like to
talk about it at home.
It's almost time for the news.
Tell Mike that the top
story's in the system.
AMANDA: [OVER HEADPHONES]
My mom is gonna love you.
Are you sure we should host?
I mean, why don't we just go
to the Kenmount for Chinese?
My place is so small
- [KISS]
- Yeah, okay.
Is it so bad that I wanna show you off?
I mean, I've met your family.
I want you to meet mine.
Come on, it's only a lunch.
Your dad says the
headlines are in there.
Thanks, Dick.
You should listen to your father, now!
Yeah
Okay. Jeez.
Where are we going?
I just want to show you one thing
that every Newfoundlander
should see before they die.
You can call it a history
lesson, if you like.
Aw, well, just tell me.
Sister Rose probably told
us about it in history class.
Yeah.
Well, the history you
learn in school isn't real.
Who discovered Newfoundland?
John Cabot.
He didn't discover anything.
The Beothuk were here hundreds
of years before Cabot's crowd
killed them all off.
No, history is a story told by villains
to make them look like heroes.
Here. We're here.
Thank you.
[BELL TOLLING]
A church?
I mean, you're complaining about nuns
and you took me to a church?
Who cares about an old church?
It's what's inside that counts.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I'd
only ever known Pop
to go to church for funerals.
I couldn't help but worry.
Uh, it's
it's really something, Pop.
What is?
The stained glass windows?
Eh
That's not it.
No, we need a key.
And for that, we need Sister Rose.
How's she gonna know we're here?
Oh, she'll know.
[PLAYING ORGAN]
[SOUND BOOMING]
What's all this racket?!
Hey, how do you know when it's done?
Just leave it!
Cooking is like a scab.
You can't pick at it.
Delicious.
- [JAUNTY KNOCK AT DOOR]
- Uh
Oh, I'm gonna be sick.
[LAUGHS] She's gonna love you.
Do you?
Ooh, cool your jets, Romeo.
[JAUNTY KNOCK AT DOOR]
It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss
Dick?
Can't have a family
gathering without family.
[BEER BOTTLES CLINKING]
Buddy, you you can't stay here.
This is gonna be too weird.
AMANDA: No, it's fine!
There's plenty.
[BOTTLE CAP POPS OFF
AND CLINKS TO FLOOR]
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
AMANDA: Hi, Mom!
- Uh, this is Mike.
- Mm-hm.
And you already know
Dad.
"Dad"? Aw, jeez.
Come in!
Let's all get to know each other.
YVONNE: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!
[SIGHS]
That organ is sacred.
It is not meant to be
played by sinful hands.
Well, these sinful hands had
you playing a different tune
when we were young.
Oh, gross!
What, pray tell, are
you doing in a church?
Look, you people dropped the ball.
I'm trying to give this
boy a real education.
I want to show him the Veiled Virgin.
Ah!
The Veiled Virgin is Giovanni
Strazza's greatest work!
It is priceless.
It is under lock and key, and not, uh,
some fairground amusement for you to
But Pop says it's the one thing
every Newfoundlander
should see before they die.
Listen
Help an old friend look like a big shot
in front of his grandson.
Let him have a peek.
Well
just a peek.
Hmm.
[KEYS JINGLING]
Hello, beautiful. [CHUCKLES]
YVONNE: So, you, uh
you live with your parents?
Well
I mean, they don't own it.
It's, uh it's kind
of a company house.
Okay
Mike works real hard, Mom.
He's very independent.
[FOOTSTEPS OVERHEAD]
MIKE SR: [THROUGH FLOOR] Mike?
Mike!
Who's that?
His father.
[QUIETLY] I'm not here!
Yeah, Dad?
MIKE SR: Dick bailed
on the fashion show!
Oh, yeah.
MIKE SR: Can you do it?
Can't. Got plans.
MIKE SR: Friggin' Dick
Dunphy, arsed it up again!
Took the afternoon off.
Family first, wha?
- The Veiled Virgin.
- [SOFT, ANGELIC MUSIC]
The most priceless piece of
art in all of Newfoundland.
Wow.
SISTER ROSE: The veil
is carved up marble,
yet it gives the appearance
of being translucent.
It's what makes it priceless.
Well, it was made by a man,
so there's always a price.
[ANGELIC MUSIC STOPS]
Good day.
Hmm!
Mm Hmph.
I
I can't thank you enough, Rosie.
You made an old man very happy.
So
for old times.
Mm-hm.
- [POP CLEARS THROAT]
- [KEYS JINGLE]
Mm-hm
Well, I
I'd best be going.
I have to prepare for mass.
Thank you, Sister.
We'll, uh, see ourselves out.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, you were right, Pop.
That was pretty cool.
Well, that's not it.
[JINGLES KEYS]
Pop!
[CHUCKLES]
Alright, now
I'm gonna show you
something truly priceless.
Come on.
[SIGHS]
[BOTTLE CAP POPS OFF
AND CLINKS TO FLOOR]
So
you seein' anyone, or ?
Amanda, why is he here?!
She didn't invite him.
I had a right.
To what?
To know why you didn't
tell me I had a daughter.
I barely knew you.
Well
isn't it nice?
Having everyone together?
Oh enough of this!
[SIGHS]
Amanda, I know I was hard on you.
Ya think?
I just didn't want you making
the same mistakes I did.
Mike is not a mistake, Mom.
I never said he was.
You said that you wanted a year off
to try to "figure things out."
Now it is time to stop this foolishness
and go to university.
I mean, are
are you saying that
she was just using us
to get back at you?
Oh, come on!
Babe, that's not true, right?
[UPBEAT, WHOLESOME MUSIC]
♪
[HARP MUSIC STING]
Oh
[ROCK MUSIC STING]
You look really pretty, Mrs. Critch.
So do you.
It's a real ensemble.
Yeah, I know, everyone
else gets to look pretty
and I have to look like a dork.
Well, to be honest, I feel
a little out of place myself.
I think I'm the oldest one here.
Yeah. Yeah, you are.
Uh, but
you're also the prettiest.
ANNOUNCER: [ON PA]
Attention, models!
- Oh, it's starting.
- ANNOUNCER: Two minutes till show time!
FOX: Okay.
[MARY CLEARS THROAT]
Um, by the way
I thought it was really
cool how you owned that guy
at the store back there.
Thanks.
You have to stand up for yourself.
You know, us ducklings,
we have to stick together.
'Cause those swans
have really big necks.
[CHUCKLES]
Okay.
Where are we going?
To the top.
[SIGHS] I don't know, Pop.
Well, it's a long
way, but it's worth it.
So, what's up there?
The greatest treasure
in all of Newfoundland.
Onwards.
[POP CHUCKLES]
♪
♪
[BREATHING HEAVILY] Oh
Oh there you go.
This is it. Hah.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
- Are you okay?
- Oh! Heh
I just
I need to catch my breath.
Oh, it was a lot
easier when I was a b'y.
We used to sneak up here during mass.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, where are we?
Behind the clock face here.
Hickory, Dickory, Dock.
[SIGHS]
Time's moving on a bit
too fast for me these days.
I'm beginning to run out of it.
Don't talk like that.
Ah, you know, I
I'm sorry I've been a bit "off" lately.
You're just tired.
Ah, listen to me, now.
I want to tell you some things
before I forget them myself.
I want you to remember them for me.
I never forgot a single
thing you ever told me.
Good.
There's one last thing
that I want to show you.
It's up there.
No way.
Trust me.
It's worth it.
[MARK EXHALES]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Welcome to the Miss Mall pageant.
I'm your emcee, VOCM's Mike Critch.
Dick Dunphy could not
be here due to a
family emergency.
He says.
Frig sake, Mike!
MIKE SR: First up, we have
Vanessa from Reitmans
[APPLAUSE]
Vanessa is wearing a, uh, dark dress.
Not too warm, by the look of it.
You'd certainly need a coat with
that or you'd freeze to death.
Reitmans.
Next up we have Jennifer
from the It Store.
You know what?
I've decided I'm not doing this.
What? Yes, you are.
Get out there!
MIKE SR: We have Jennifer
from the It Store.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
No.
Uh, I'm not sure what
the It Store sells,
but whatever "it" is,
it will be worn by
Jennifer!
Please just get out
there. The owner is here.
Maybe I should get paid more for this.
You little mobster.
Fine.
Five cents an hour more.
[MOUTHS "NO."]
Ten.
That's the It Store, going once
Going twice
Going
Fine. Ten cents an hour.
Now, go!
[APPLAUSE]
Hello, Fox.
- [APPLAUSE]
- Woo!
MIKE SR: Uh, and she's wearing a
it looks to be a hat
covered in bird poop on it,
and a shirt that says
I'm not saying that.
The It Store!
[APPLAUSE]
MIKE SR: And next we have
Mary from the Model Shop.
[APPLAUSE AND CAMERAS CLICKING]
Mary!
Oh!
WOMAN: Oh, she's gorgeous!
Uh full disclosure,
ladies and gentlemen,
I am related to this model.
Only by marriage.
[LAUGHTER]
Well, it's a bit more than that!
Well, truth be told
he's my ex-boyfriend!
[LAUGHTER]
Uh, actually, she's my current wife.
I don't know if they
can crown a "Mrs. Mall,"
but, uh, that's Mary
from the Model Shop.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
Can we talk?
So you were just using me?
I think I knows what's on the go here.
"Parent Trap."
You're trying to get me and
your mudder back together.
[SIGHS]
You know, all my life,
I had to make up this version of you.
Mom just said you were a loser, but
she never gave you a chance to be a dad.
And when I did, you bailed.
And even then, I still
wanted to get to know you.
So why why drag me into this?
Mom was so mad when I took
the job at the station.
And then I saw you and
you were so cute.
And
I just thought
"If I date him, it'll
really piss her off."
Hm. Nice.
I didn't wanna get too close.
But I did.
And then I realized
I love you.
And I didn't think I'd
like the job either,
but I do, Mom.
A lot.
I mean, I guess it's
in my blood.
I love it.
I love you, too, honey.
Oh
I'm done.
I can't protect you anymore.
The harder I try, the
more I push you away.
It
sounds to me like you raised a
a very brave and strong young lady.
Thanks, b'y.
So, you don't hate me?
The very opposite.
♪
A toast.
To second chances.
That wine is terrible.
Could I please have a beer?
That you can.
[BOTTLE CLINKING]
[BOTTLE CAP POPS OFF]
[CLINKS TO FLOOR]
Are you surprised to see me?
Pleasantly.
You look just as stunning
as the first time,
and I'm just as speechless.
Oh, this the one?
Uh
whatever happens
there's only one winner
here for me today.
Pop?
Ah I can't go any further.
You're gonna have to go the
rest of the way alone, but
I'll be right here, watching.
[INSPIRING MUSIC]
♪
♪
♪
♪
POP: Keep going!
There's a hatch!
♪
POP: Keep goin'. I'm here.
♪
POP: Lift it
What I want you to see
is on the other side.
♪
[INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC]
POP: What do you see?
The whole city!
The ocean
[LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY]
It's beautiful!
POP: Man made this church,
but God made that view.
Now, that is priceless!
It's all yours.
That's it.
That's all I've got to leave you.
You know, history is
someone else's life.
The future?
That's your story to write.
Do you get it?
Yeah, Pop.
I I think I do!
Class dismissed.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Time
feels endless
until that one day when it doesn't.
And it's when that day comes,
when time suddenly has a clock on it,
that the decisions you
make about how to spend it
become much more important.
[SEAGULLS CALLING]
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): There
should be no regrets in life.
Just lessons.
[APPLAUSE]
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
We're never too old
to learn something new about ourselves.
[APPLAUSE]
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
And never too young
to teach someone a lesson.
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): But sometimes,
the one who gains the
most from the lesson
is the teacher.
♪
♪
♪