Superstore (2015) s04e11 Episode Script

1 So we're competing with all the other Cloud 9's in the district and the branch with the most combined steps by the end of the week wins.
Oh, my God, are these Apple watches? Close.
They're SuperCloud Step Trackers.
Awesome.
I was hoping to get something worse than an Apple watch.
Yes! Thank you.
I've actually been meaning to get a pedometer for my morning runs.
Wait, you mean when you walk down the street to get an everything bagel? It's at least a quarter mile.
These are yours to keep for the week.
You have to keep them on 24/7, they are not waterproof, and you can't get them too hot or too cold or they will burn your skin.
Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and pass.
Don't worry.
There's a wheel chair setting.
Oh, I'm not worried.
It just sounds terrible.
Well maybe this will change your mind.
- The number one store wins - What? You said you were going to do you know - What is that? - The thing that we The thing we talked about in the office this morning.
What? You're talking about firing Hannah? I thought we were going to pull her aside after the meeting.
[snorting noises.]
The store with the most combined steps by the end of the week wins lunch with the Regional Vice President.
Come on store 1217! Let's get to stepping! - Ow! - All: Ow! My ankle.
Oh, oh, it's bad.
Oh, it's yeah, it's bad.
It's bad! Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Son of a buttermilk! So Hannah, can I talk to you outside for a second? [upbeat music.]
What's the point of the chat window? I think that's for us to text motivational messages to each other.
I'm not sure our employees get that.
Brett1217 just wrote #TheWalkingDead.
Ugh.
We are in dead last and Bel-Ridge is in first.
That's Colleen's branch.
Oh, she probably thinks she's so great, walking around on her legs, left foot, right foot.
We get it, Colleen.
What's up with you and Colleen? What's up with you and Colleen? Okay.
It's too bad we don't stand a chance of winning.
I mean, lunch with the Regional VP? That would have been good for my management track.
You do come alive at lunch.
- I really do.
- Oh, screw it.
Let's motivate these people and go for the gold.
Yeah, that's not going to happen.
We're not really the "Get to Steppin'" kind of store.
Remember our last fire drill? Half the people got winded and just didn't make it out.
You know what? I'm with Dina.
We're underdogs but a lot of the times it's the underdogs that end up winning.
That's not true.
They just make movies about the few underdogs that do.
Like, for every Rudy there are 10,000 short guys who just never make the team.
I'm just saying, if you want that lunch with the VP.
All right, let's see what we can do.
Oh, look at this.
Colleen1420: Loving this steps comp! Go Bel-Ridge! Oh, God.
Message received, you smug skank.
She's a real monster, huh? Yeah.
If I had to choose between Colleen and Sandra well, I mean, I'd kill them both.
[Chuckles.]
[Tears For Fears' "Everybody Wants to Rule the World".]
All right store 1217, let's get ready for stepping! There she is! Speedy leg Sarah! Let's see them legs go, Girl! Heather? Hot stepping heather? Heather with the hot steps? Freddy! Freddy on fuego! Fuego Freddy.
Mateo, I can see you.
Let's put some hustle in it, baby.
Okay, I don't know what "this" is but this is cashmere.
So no, I will not be sweating today.
Just take your sweater off! No, no, sir.
Not you.
I was talking to my co-worker.
Please keep your clothes on.
And getting 10,000 steps a day reduces stress, it lowers your blood pressure and increases your lifespan.
Yeah, I don't care.
I don't plan on living past 30 anyway.
30? You're, um, you're under 30? What? Nothing.
Wow.
Yeah.
You look good.
Come on, you have to take this competition seriously.
- I don't think I do.
- God, you're lazy.
Why can't you be one of those inspirational guys in a wheelchair? Hm.
All right.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
Are you trying to I mean, you're not suggesting that going backwards would take away steps.
Of course not.
Why would it? Seriously, stop.
I know it's not happening it's just that it's a it's a safety issue at this point.
Huh.
I swear that number was bigger before.
Fine.
I'll just double my steps to make up for it.
Move! [grunting.]
- Glenn, do you need help? - Hm? Oh, no I'm fine.
Ah it's just a little sprain but I've got to use this thing all week long.
Still, it's kind of cool, huh? It's like I'm a motorcycle man.
Yeah, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom.
- So cool.
- Yeah.
Are you sure you got it? Oh, yeah.
Easy peasy.
Just [muttering.]
a bit of a hill here.
Am I I'm going backwards.
Put your other foot down! - I can't stop! - Put your other foot down! No, I can't! I'm too scared! We only got a 148 steps in the last hour? How is that even possible? It's shockingly sedentary.
Oh, there she goes again.
Colleen1420.
"Everybody's doing great! Cloud 9 pride!" Oh, she is the devil.
It's a shame this store doesn't have a Colleen.
I will burn my face off if she takes my job.
I just mean, nobody's even trying because nobody cares about beating some random store locations on a scoreboard.
People need a nemesis to compete against.
So what are you saying? If we start trash talking Bel-Ridge that's going to inspire people? Maybe.
All the best wars are fought against someone.
That feels random.
All wars are fought against someone.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
No, I'm saying "all" wars.
Yeah, all the best wars.
What are the best wars? 1812, WWI, WWII, French Indy.
Although, if they started trash talking us first Okay, what wars are you not fighting against someone? War against poverty, war against drugs.
- Boom.
Don't come at me.
- Come on.
[Paul McCartney's "Silly Love Songs" plays.]
"Ozark Highlands? More like Slowzark Highlames.
" Ouch.
I mean, that's clever but it's mean.
Bel-Ridge1420? Why is Bel-Ridge attacking us? Because those guys are dicks.
They always think they're better than us.
Come on, don't take it personally.
It's just old-fashioned sports banter like, "See you at the finish line, slow-poke!" [blows raspberry.]
You know? "And their pear shaped manager is a real looser.
" That's probably supposed to say "loser.
" They were most likely in a hurry.
Maybe they should take their time.
Well that is both personal and hurtful.
Ugh, I can't believe these guys are going to beat us at the step contest.
It just proves their point about how slow we are.
Both: Mm-hmm.
- You know what we should do? We should all start trying harder and beat them.
- Oh, shut up, Sandra.
- No, no, no.
Don't shut up, Sandra.
That's a really good point.
Yes, no, sorry.
Yeah, good point, Sandra.
Yeah, let's take it to Bel-Ridge - and win this whole thing.
- All: Yeah! We can do this! Come on! - Give me a C - all: Oh.
Oh, jeez.
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't help him.
He needs to learn.
- Good hustle, Sayid.
- Marcus gave me six energy drinks.
I feel great! - Great! Keep stepping.
- I can't believe - how well this is working.
- I know.
I don't want to jinx it but I'm already thinking up anecdotes to throw in at lunch with the VP.
Are you going to tell him about the time Lionel Richie - came in the store? - How does that - make me look good? - I don't know.
It's just a cool story.
Man, my heart rate is flying.
I have not stopped moving all day.
Even when I went to the bathroom.
By the way, we need someone - to clean up the bathroom.
- Great.
Let's keep up the momentum.
- Got it.
- Check.
Sandra! Bathroom duty! Oh, excuse me, sir Can I get this in a Um, excuse me, do you do you work Great job, Heather.
Walk and fold, walk and fold.
- Mateo - Don't even.
I'm not going to get all gross just because Bel-Ridge said some dumb things.
Relax, I'm not going to pressure you.
I'm actually really impressed at how chill you've gotten.
You used to be so competitive about everything.
Well, I'd like to think I've matured over the years.
Yeah, totally.
Back when you started you probably would have been like, "Ah! When corporate sees how few steps I'm taking they're going to think I'm not the number one worker.
" Wait, they can track our individual scores? Well, I mean, they didn't say they could, but they didn't say they couldn't.
It's fine.
Even if you're not, like, a superstar it's it's totally acceptable to be a everyday, run-of-the-mill, average worker.
Average? Are you insane? [Laughs.]
Damn it.
I have to make up for lost time.
Stop talking to me! Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, whoa, oh Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh Whoa, oh, whoa Look at me, Jonah.
I'm an MVP player injured before the big game, and I'm not even sure that, like, my tracker is counting my steps properly.
Maybe you just wanna you wanna swing your arm, you know, at the same time.
What do you mean? Like, swing your arm as as you're you're moving.
- Like this? - Yeah, sure and then but then use your other hand to steer.
Well I'm trying that, but that part is hard.
I mean, is this better? Right-no, mostly.
Or is this worse? I can't tell.
You're doing good, you're just kinda you're going around in circles.
Well, I know I'm going 'cause I'm getting dizzy.
[Lit's "My Own Worst Enemy" plays.]
Can we forget about Come on people, get off your asses.
If you've got time to talk you've got time to walk.
When you sit, Bel-Ridge wins, okay? So let's move.
Sandra, if you're looking for your lunch I put it up on the roof.
That will give you a couple hundred extra steps.
- Go get 'em, tiger.
- But it's snowing, and I brought soup.
Elias, I saw one of our carts down at the gas station.
I need you to walk over there and take it back.
- Which gas station? - I don't remember! Check them all! Go! Go! Go! Go! Excuse me, do you have any gender-neutral toys? I'm trying to be cool.
Oh, definitely.
Follow me.
Oh, wasn't that the toy aisle? Oops! It was.
Passed it.
Guess we have to go all the way around.
[Hot Chocolate's "Every 1's a Winner" plays.]
Every 1's a winner, baby, that's no lie You never fail to satisfy How are we still only in fifth place? Fifth is good, we moved up.
You should be happy.
Oh, what medal do you get for fifth? Mm? None.
What you get is a slap in the face and then dad makes you walk behind the car - the whole way home.
- I am so sorry, Dina.
We have to find a way to make these people - push themselves harder.
- Everybody's already pushing themselves pretty hard, and most of them are not wearing deodorant.
- It's bad.
- I'm with Amy on this one.
I think she and I are just less comfortable being losers than you are.
I'm just saying we're on a good track, okay? No need to overdo it.
[sighs.]
I don't know, maybe he's right.
He could be right.
- But he could be wrong.
- That's what I was thinking.
This is just awful.
What is wrong with the people over there? This has gone too far! Yeah.
Yeah.
This is definitely overboard.
Are we absolutely sure it was Bel-Ridge? We could check the security footage.
Sandra, they literally signed it Bel-Ridge.
What more proof do you need? They used the wrong "you're," it's apostrophe R-E.
- Yeah, 'cause they're stupid.
- Or maybe they were tired or it was dark out.
Or whatever.
B-but they were probably just stupid.
Hey, is anyone else tired of being humiliated by a bunch of idiots that don't even understand basic contractions? - All: Yeah.
- I am.
You know what we should do about it? Yeah, report them to the police.
No, no that seems a little bit much.
We should step it up in this challenge and beat them.
Yeah, enough is enough! - This just got very personal! - Mm.
Let's end those sons of bitches! - Let's destroy Bel-Ridge! - I am so sick of this [bleep.]
! [furious screaming.]
- Sandra? - Yeah? Why don't you take your ten now.
- Okay? - Okay, yeah.
So you got up at 4:00 a.
m.
, got spray paint and shaving cream, came all the way here to vandalize our own store, just to get people to step more? Nope.
3:00 a.
m.
I had to take Parker to my parent's house.
I told them that Adam had been arrested - and I had to bail him out.
- I played the impatient officer who kept calling Amy saying that she needed to come get him because he was exposing - himself to the guards.
- You know, a part of me feels like you guys are taking this a little too far.
Hey man, you're the one who was all, "Let's start a pretend rivalry with Bel-Ridge.
" - "Let's do whatever it takes.
" - See, I don't remember the "let's do whatever it takes" part.
Whew! Hey! [Panting.]
Sorry I'm late.
I walked to work.
There is really no easy way to cross a highway but I logged 8,000 steps.
Yes! I'm going to do some laps around the perimeter.
- Go, Mateo! - Here we go! What? He's getting in shape.
It's good for him.
And really, this early there's barely any cars on the highway.
[Lionel Richie's "All Night Long" plays.]
I'm sending a strongly worded email to the Bel-Ridge manager about this morning.
Tell me if it's too mean, okay? "Good morning, Doug" exclamation point.
"I was hoping to discuss an unfortunate matter that happened at our store.
" Wow, you're really going for the jugular, huh? Wha is that too harsh? Is a knife through the heart too harsh? Yes, way too harsh! Well then maybe you ease into it.
Flatter him a little bit.
Butter him up.
Okay, well, what do I say? All right, just write what I say.
- Thank you.
- "Dear Doug, I think about you all the time.
" - Oh, that is nice.
- Yeah.
"The other day I was at the mall and I saw a jacket and thought, 'Doug would look really great in that.
'" Yeah, but we're going to talk about the vandalism, right? Oh, yeah.
Oh, we're going to dive right into it.
Have you heard the new Adele song? You could just hit do a simple reset.
Hey, steppy-peeps.
Seeing a lot of the mouths moving, not so much the feet.
My scanner's not working.
We can't figure out why.
You don't think wait, do you think Bel-Ridge could have messed with it last night? No I mean, maybe.
It wasn't broken yesterday, and it is broken today.
I wouldn't be surprised.
Those guys will stoop to literally anything.
Oh, my God.
I brought a girl back to my place last night and after I fell asleep she stole all my stuff.
Could Bel-Ridge have gotten to her? Yeah.
That has Bel-Ridge written all over it.
I relapsed and started taking Vicodin last night.
Well, you know what I like to do when I'm that angry? I like to take all that anger and turn it into pure raw leg energy.
Just stomp it out.
Try it.
Ugh.
Just stick it to Bel-Ridge, you know? Step it out.
- There you go.
Keep going.
- Oh, wow.
When I came to this morning, somebody from Bel-Ridge had thrown up all over my entire body.
I can't believe nothing is our fault.
[pop music plays.]
Elias, there is definitely a cart out there.
Probably just rolled farther than I thought.
Mateo, have you taken your lunch break, yet? No time! Look, just try walking faster.
It's probably outpacing you.
Hey there.
Can I return an item purchased at another store? Yeah, sure, that's not a problem.
Great, I got it in Bel-Ridge.
Are you kidding me? - No.
[Chuckles.]
- [fake laughs.]
A frickin' Bel-Ridge lover wants us to take their garbage? - No, sir.
- Look, He's laughing at us.
I'm not laughing.
I think he's just, like, a smiley guy.
Thing are getting ugly.
I think we need to turn down the heat a bit.
No, no, no.
You got to keep the heat up.
Hey, you know what? If you love Bel-Ridge so much - Then you should marry it.
- No, dude, I was going to say then you should just go back there.
Sick burn, though.
You're getting really good.
- Just don't interrupt me.
- It's fine.
It's it's totally under control.
The Bel-Ridge store was vandalized last night.
- all: Ohh.
- Wait, what? Someone broke into their break room and covered everything in hot deer urine.
The smell was so bad they had to burn their couches.
I got a question.
How did they know it was deer urine and also hot? Well, apparently the vandals left a note next to a Super Soaker they used.
No one here was involved, right? Uh, no.
We totally didn't cover their entire break room in steaming hot deer urine.
Okay, it's not that I think that you're lying, but your tone and your phrasing are really weird.
Glenn, come on.
Obviously they did it.
Marcus is always bragging about his Super Soaker collection.
Whatever, Bel-Ridge started it.
[laughing.]
What should we do with them next? Oh, we could go egg their cars.
- Oh, yeah.
- We should slash their tires.
Yeah! That would just make them walk more.
We should "I, Tonya" them.
Okay, guys.
We're even now.
Let's just focus on the steps challenge.
Hey, if they didn't want to get into a war then they shouldn't have started talking trash about us.
- Bingo.
- Well maybe it wasn't them.
Maybe it was actually Kirkwood who wanted us to think it was Bel-Ridge so that we would fight each other and Kirkwood could win.
What a crazy big conspiracy that would be to win a regional workplace step competition.
Does anyone know how to make a Molotov cocktail? Vodka, ginger beer, and lime.
Don't ask me how but I can totally get us anthrax in two hours.
We should burn down their entire store and blame it on homeless people.
- All: Yeah! - Guys, it wasn't Bel-Ridge! It was it was me.
- What? - Oh, my God.
I am the one who posted those messages on the board and vandalized the front of the store.
[disapproving chatter.]
- Why would you do that? - I wanted to win.
Amy, Amy, Amy.
This is wildly disappointing.
- Dina helped! - [All gasp.]
Oh, you're going to believe the admitted liar? Come on.
Wait a minute.
So you made me take deer urine all the way down to their store, heat it up in their microwave and then dump it all over an innocent couch? How do you even think of this stuff? - You're sick, Amy! - No, I didn't that wasn't - You turned us into monsters! - Hold up.
Did you also lie about corporate? Do they not know I'm a superstar? - They might.
- I haven't slept.
[stammers.]
I haven't eaten.
I got clipped by a KIA on the highway, Amy! Ugh! Excuse me.
- You look skinny.
- Thank you! Okay, tell me how this sounds.
- "Dear Doug, I am so sorry" - Whoa! You're going to go there after the whole deer urine thing? You might as well just say, "Deer Urine Doug.
" Okay, no "Dear.
" - Um, how about, "My" - Beloved.
- "Beloved Doug.
" Yeah.
- Much better.
Oh, boy.
People are mad at you.
Well, thanks for having my back, Dins.
Hey, you spearheaded this thing.
Captain goes down with the ship.
Oh, come on.
You know what? Nobody's even thinking about it.
That could be about anything.
You know, I spoke to Glenn and it turns out the regional VP has nothing to do with promoting managers.
So really this whole slide into fascism was for nothing.
Nah, it was fun.
Excuse me, which was is break room? - It's just through the doors.
- Thanks.
The worst part about this is that Colleen wins again.
Seriously, what's the deal with this woman? Did she, like, kill somebody you love? Let's just say the St.
Louis Ornithology Society is nothing but a popularity contest.
Hey, who was that guy? Just now? I don't know, doesn't he work here? I've never seen him.
Have you? No.
Wait, you don't know him? I mean, you were talking to him like he was an old pal.
I told him where the break room is.
Yeah, but it was how you said it.
It seemed like it was an inside joke.
- What would be the joke? - I don't know.
- Between you and that guy.
- Well maybe he's new.
Or, like, from another branch or something.
Oh, [bleep.]
.
- Whoa.
- What happened in here? My beautiful break room.
Jerusha made this.
- Amy, why would you do this? - No, I didn't do this! This was actually Bel-Ridge.
It's true.
I just got a text from Colleen.
It says, "Clean up on aisle 'your break room.
" Damn, she's funny.
- We need to retaliate.
- Mm-hmm.
No, guys.
Wasn't this the retaliation? You hit them, they hit us back.
We're even now.
Uh-uh.
We hit them at a four, but they hit us at a seven.
So now we owe them.
Like, three.
But if we get them back they're just going to get us back and then where does it end? When we get them back after that.
He's right.
That's the natural end of this.
Or we could just turn the other cheek, right, Glenn? What, so they can slap the other cheek? No, Amy, you don't back down from a bully.
I got to agree.
If we don't hit them back they're going to think they can walk all over us.
I say we all go over there and destroy - their break room.
- All: Yeah.
Let's destroy their whole store! [affirmative chatter.]
I think we just got to go with the mob on this one.
All right, screw Bel-Ridge! Let's go get those dicks! All: Yeah! Let's escalate this thing and assume they'll let it go after that! Yeah, let's escalate.
So should we drive separately or maybe carpool? I can drive people there but I got to go home right after.
Should we get lunch on the way? Oh, that's a good idea.
My anthrax hookup is not replying to my text.
Does anybody else have an anthrax guy Give him a minute, you just texted him.