The Conners (2018) s04e11 Episode Script

1 Okay, here's your food.
Why is Becky bringing you food? Darlene's ex-boyfriend's new-agey vegan place is on my way home.
Yeah, I love the food, but it would be way too awkward to run into Nick.
Well, I'm not doing it anymore.
It's full of people who think natural deodorant works, but it doesn't.
Their patchouli disorients you so the B.
O.
can attach itself to your clothes and follow you home.
Oh, yeah.
It's on there.
Why would it be awkward for you to run into Nick? I'm gonna tell you so that you don't make the same dating mistakes that I did.
Ben was a schmuck.
And he baited me into a fight that drove Nick away.
Dad said Nick broke up with you because you're a black widow spider who sucks the souls out of men and leaves their dreams tangled in your web.
Prove me wrong.
You know what? I've had enough of you people making a bad situation worse.
Yes, I've had terrible relationships.
Thanks for reminding me every minute of my waking life.
I'm gonna go eat in the living room.
Wow.
She's really upset.
She just needs to be alone with her thoughts.
I think we know what we have to do.
TOGETHER: Oh, Darlene! Come here, big baby! 04x11 - Patriarchs and Goddesses Thank you so much for making sandwiches for Aldo's boys.
They're odd, but they're actually pretty sweet.
- They like me now.
- Be careful.
They liked the hamster before they decided to play "Hey, let's see how far we can throw the hamster!" Sorry for barging in, guys.
Um, Harris, my dad just showed up out of nowhere and wants to see the kids.
Could you help me get them packed up? Okay, well, I'll come with you.
I'd love to meet your dad.
Not a good idea.
See, the thing is, he just wants to see the boys.
He doesn't want to see you.
I've been with those kids.
That's not the pick I'd make.
Wait, what's his problem with me? Have you told him anything about me? Yeah, totally.
I told him you're a hot 19-year-old who I met at a tattoo parlor, and somehow, he spun that into a bad thing.
You gotta get this sorted out before I move in, or it's gonna be weird when he visits.
Yeah, um, more bad news on that front.
Um he's totally against you moving in.
What? That's insane.
You're 38 years old.
Why are you even listening to him? He's my dad.
I can't just shut him down without hearing him out, babe.
Look, let's see if we can handle things differently with your dad this time.
Ask him to come over and talk to me, geezer to geezer.
Really? You would do that? - Yeah.
- Thank you, Grandpa.
Aww, that's super cool.
I would have never asked you to do that.
I'd do anything to make my granddaughter happy.
And you remind me of my younger self an irresponsible dumbass.
I was, uh I was talking to my friends down at the arcade, and they said at 38, guys' brains aren't even fully developed.
Don't strain yourself, man.
Just take the compliment.
I really needed a chill movie night.
Why do we have to sit so close? Oh, Ben likes being near the screen, and I guess I got used to it.
Well, that explains why he's sitting with a date in the row right in front of us.
Oh, crap.
- Let's go.
- No, no.
I can handle this.
Even though he busted up my relationship with Nick, I'm gonna show him that I am way healthier and I am fine with him dating.
Then how about this? We sit in the back and lob Milk Duds at him.
He'll never know where they're coming from.
No.
But I-I-I have to tell him I'm here.
Otherwise, if he sees me, he's gonna think I'm stalking him.
Wait, is that why we're here? Are you stalking him? No.
If I were stalking him, I wouldn't have brought you.
You're super loud.
[Indistinct chatter.]
Hey, there! Hey.
Okay, well I guess living in a small town means this is gonna happen once in a while.
Especially at the [Chuckles.]
Lanford Monoplex.
Darlene, this is Laura.
Hi, I'm Darlene the ex.
Oh, hello.
[Laughs.]
- Uh, sorry to bother you.
- Yep.
I just wanted Ben to know this was a total accident - Oh.
- and I have no problem - with him dating.
- Oh.
So, if you guys wanna hold hands, go for it.
I'm just gonna be back here with Becky.
Hey, Becky.
Hi, Ben.
So enjoy the movie! [Sighs.]
What do you think? Handled that well, right? Yeah.
It was just the right amount of excruciatingly awkward.
Oh, man.
What, you think I made his date uncomfortable? - Let me go fix that.
- Darlene Hi, Laura.
My sister feels like I made you uncomfortable.
But don't be I am not stalking him.
The only reason we're at the same movie is because I love "Ghost World," so I turned him onto it.
But you know what it's not like it's our movie.
You know what? You can make it your movie.
I gift you the movie.
I mean, I'm still gonna be back here, - but you know what I mean.
- Okay, thanks.
- Enjoy the movie.
- You too.
Okay.
Done and done.
You sure? You done? Good! I kinda like his date's hair.
[Sighs.]
I do, too.
I should tell her.
- Hey, by the way - Oh, my God.
I love your hair.
I mean, just 'cause I'm the ex doesn't mean I can't enjoy your style, right? Y-You know what? We should get coffee sometime.
- Talk about this guy, huh? - Darlene.
Darlene, just stop talking to us.
Stop talking to her.
Stop talking to me.
Just On behalf of people everywhere, stop talking.
- Sorry.
- [Sighs.]
I am very, very sorry.
Let's just go somewhere else where they don't let crazy people in.
[Sighs.]
I can't believe you didn't stop me.
I told you we should leave! I told you you couldn't handle it! I told you we should sit in the back and throw Milk Duds at him! - Shh! - [Mockingly.]
I told you you were loud.
- [Knock on door.]
- [Groans.]
Remember, Harris really wants this to work out.
Aldo's dad is here, so be nice.
When the hell am I not nice? - Hey.
- Hey! You must be Jesse.
I'm Dan.
Come on in.
- Thanks, man.
- Yeah.
And I'm Harris' aunt, Jackie.
Oh, it's so sweet of you to bring beer.
It's really refreshing to see somebody who doesn't show up to the door empty-handed.
Oh, I just brought these for me 'cause I didn't know what kind you guys have.
You get used to something, you want it all the time.
It's kinda like your favorite pickle.
I get it.
I like gherkins.
You can put one between your cheek and gum and have your own secret little treat.
Well, I will leave you men to talk about your pickles.
[Chuckles.]
I'd stay, but, uh, I have an appointment with my psychic.
Aldo's mom was a psychic! No wait, psy psy psychotic.
I get those confused.
Why don't we take this in the kitchen? I'd be a bad host if I let you drink alone.
Yeah, you would.
Oh, I didn't know you had that kind.
I'll take one.
I'll put these back in my truck.
My gas Gauge doesn't work, so I like to have emergency "walking beer" for when the truck stops coasting.
Good plan.
So [Sighs.]
I hear tell you don't think it's a good idea for Harris to move in with your son.
No, I think it's a terrible idea.
She's not the right woman for him.
Hey, you got anything crunchy? Just our milk.
Listen.
You and I have been alive long enough to be a good judge of people.
Harris isn't just some irresponsible dropout.
She pays rent.
She's got a steady job.
She's a solid person.
Way I see it, Aldo is damn lucky to have her.
I didn't say she's bad.
I said she's not right.
I'm a roofer, Dan.
And like a lot of roofers, a couple bees chased me off a two-story into a wheelbarrow full of bricks.
[Clears throat.]
Were the bees mad 'cause your story didn't have a point? I'm getting there.
I'm a storyteller, Dan.
Anyway, [Coughs.]
a man needs a woman he can count on.
And Aldo's mom, Marlene she was there for me after the accident.
She taught me how to read and write and play harmonica again.
You're a lucky man.
That must have been before she went psychotic.
No, that happened right after I slept with her sister.
- Oh.
- I told her I told her it was dark, and and they're pretty much the same height.
She came at me with the rake anyway.
You never know what's gonna set a woman off.
But bottom line is, what you and I think don't mean squat.
Harris and Aldo are adults.
You can't tell 'em what to do.
Aldo's not an adult, Dan.
It's painful for me to say this, 'cause they never set my jaw right but he is a 38-year-old man-baby who still likes to jump up and down on the bed in the morning.
He still watches "Blue's Clues.
" He never fell off a a roof or nothin'.
That's just the way he is.
Wait, I-I'm confused.
Harris isn't the problem.
You're saying Aldo isn't mature enough for her.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
You heard about the first wife, right? Only that she was a drug addict.
Not at the beginning.
The woman had a Master's degree.
When Aldo and those creepy kids were done with her she was smokin' rock under a bridge and talking to her foot.
If you give a crap about your granddaughter you gotta get her out of this.
Wow.
Thanks, Jesse.
I know it must be hard for a parent to see their kid the way they really are.
I'll talk to Harris.
Good.
Good.
Um, can I siphon some gas out of your lawnmower to get home? I'm sorry, man.
I don't have a lawnmower.
All right, uh, why don't you just give me ten bucks and we'll call it even? How about this you give me 20 and I'll owe you 10.
- Nice.
- [Chuckles.]
I'm gonna remember that one.
So, I just spent 45 minutes on the phone with Laura trying to convince her that it is safe to go on another date with me.
Why did you do that? I was just trying to show you that I was cool with you dating.
- [Scoffs.]
- I'll tell her.
- [Scoffs.]
- Hey, Siri? Call Laura.
SIRI: Calling Laura.
God, no! [Groans.]
Look, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't expect to see you with somebody.
And it caught me a little off-guard, and I went too far in front of your new girlfriend.
Is she your new girlfriend? Is that what that insanity at the theater was all about? Trying to figure out how serious I am about Laura? No, absolutely not.
But obviously, you're dying to tell me, so go ahead.
We've only been on three dates, okay? So I don't know where it's going.
Actually, two, 'cause she's not letting me count last night 'cause of, you know, the "tiny lunatic.
" Sorry.
It's hard.
I know.
So? Is she a nice person? Yeah, I like her.
You know, she's easy to be with.
Well, that must be a nice change of pace, huh? You know, you go through stuff, and you figure out what you want.
I think I want easy.
[Insects chirping.]
[Door closes.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Don't tell the kids we went sledding.
Everything's more fun without them.
Whew! Dad pulled me behind his truck! Yeah, the exhaust makes you giddy, and the intersections are a real rush.
Sounds like fun.
Ah, she's gonna ruin our buzz.
I know it.
Let's get out quick.
It's too late.
She's seen us.
[Laughs.]
What's wrong? Ben was just over here.
Ah, he come to read you the riot act? He said he doesn't want to be with someone like me anymore.
Well, he he did leave you some clues the breakup, uh, his devastating rejection of your proposal, his moving on with another woman.
I mean, individually, it doesn't seem like much, but when you put it all together No, I know that.
I guess when I started my spiritual journey, on some level, I thought when I was, like, the new, improved Darlene, I could get him back.
There's no reason that can't happen.
Yeah, there is.
He wants easy.
I'm never gonna be that.
I'm always gonna be hard.
[Sighs.]
I freakin' told you she'd kill our buzz! Damn it! So? I'm dying to know.
How'd it go with Aldo's dad? I'll tell you.
- But watch the game with me.
- Okay, but I'm starving.
I'm gonna grab a yogurt.
Uh, while you're in there, could you grab some chips - Mm-hmm.
- and decide not to stay with Aldo 'cause you're too young for him and he's too immature and I don't want to see you throw your life away? Appreciate it.
- [Knock on door.]
- What are you talking about? I thought you were okay with me and Aldo.
What happened yesterday? Sorry I know we spent a lot of time detailing the Maserati, but unfortunately, we're not going to race slot cars today.
'Cause I just found out my dad convinced your grandpa we shouldn't be together when he should've worked it out with me, Dad.
Hi, I'm Jesse.
And I'm Harris, and I really don't appreciate you butting into our lives! I was attacked by bees.
You don't scare me.
Okay, I-I-I-I think we all need to sit down and have a respectful conversation.
So everybody shut your dumb old pie-holes and listen to me! First of all, watch your mouth.
I'm not dumb.
Second of all, my hole also enjoys cakes and donuts.
I-I'm sorry, sir.
My father should not have come over here and told you that I'm some kinda loser who's gonna screw up Harris' life.
I'm looking at this differently, son.
I just don't think Harris is ready to take on everything you've got going on.
Can everyone stop talking about me like I'm not in the room and making decisions about my life? I can speak for myself.
Sure, but I just don't think you ought to be playing mother to three kids.
I only have two.
Oh.
Yeah.
How hard do you really want to fight when this is the prize? I'll show you how hard.
I don't care what any of you say.
I'm moving in with Aldo and the boys, and it's gonna be great.
That's right.
Harris is moving in with me, and it starts now.
And I don't need anybody's approval! - How'd I do, baby? - You did great.
- Yes! - Let's get the rest of my stuff.
Well, Dan, it looks like you and me are probably gonna end up being in-laws.
Yeah.
And now my boy's mad at me, I don't have any place to stay.
And, uh, since we're practically in-laws I hear you, Jesse.
And if I didn't like you so damn much, I wouldn't be offering you this here beer for your walking journey.
Gee, thanks.
One will get me out to the porch, two will get me out of the yard.
See ya.
Oh, wow.
I thought it was kids playing a joke, 'cause when I looked through the peephole, there was nobody there.
If you could jump up and down next time, then I'd know the place isn't haunted.
I brought you something.
Oh! That's nice.
Come on in.
Wow! - Very cute place.
- Eh? - Uh-huh.
- Thank you.
I mean, it's still a work in progress, you know? I'm still trying to figure out which wall to hang my Smash Mouth poster on.
Oh, well, uh, your closets have walls.
I'd go with one of those.
So, this whole visit's for the plant? And to say thank you.
Uh, you were honest with me, and it helped me be honest with myself.
You've moved on, you got your own place, and I gotta do the same thing.
Well, good for you.
And thanks for the housewarming gift.
Oh.
Yeah.
It's really more of a goodbye gift.
Really? [Chuckles.]
Y-You know I work with your dad and spend a lot of time with your kid.
I will be coming over to the house, so it's not really goodbye.
I mean, unless you're here to kill me.
I don't think it's the right move at this time.
It's not a physical goodbye.
It's an emotional one.
Right.
Well, I hope everything works out.
And when you find a place, I'm gonna come over with a $4 plant I got from the drugstore, too.
Oh, that's $2 more than I spent.
- I'm saving up for a house here, so - [Chuckles.]
[Door closes.]
I'm going up He's going up Going down He's going down Going up, down, down, up Any way you want-a me to Yeah, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah.
[Guitar riff.]
I'm going up, down, Jackson Browne Lost and found All around Downtown Liquor clown [Plays harmonica.]