The Exes (2011) s04e11 Episode Script

Another refill, boys? - Oh, no, I'm good.
- Me too.
Free or not, a man can only drink so much iced tea.
Hit me.
What? It's bottomless beverage day.
I intend to find the bottom.
Haskell, how are you holding it in? I've had to pee twice just watching you.
Oh, well The Lutzes are known for their incredible bladder control.
We look at it as compensation for colorblindness and tiny feet.
- Hi, hi.
- Hey.
Nicki, this came to the office today.
Oh, it's my divorce papers.
It's final.
You know, it's kind of bittersweet when you think about the years you spend hello, check! Oh.
Oh, that's a tidy, little sum.
A lot of interesting things can be done with that, huh? IRA, money market fund, or, if you're looking for something a little sexier, tax-free bond.
What kind of sex are you having? We share a wall.
None.
Mm.
[Laughs.]
I'm surprised that Holly's not delivering Nicki's divorce papers in person, you know? She usually likes to make a moment of it.
I remember she told me I was a strong man with a great life ahead of me, and I couldn't really hear the rest.
I was sobbing like a sea captain's widow.
Where is Holly? We haven't seen her since the engagement.
Yeah, she hasn't been in the office.
Although, I'm not complaining.
I kind of like my four-hour lunches.
I can't believe she agreed to marry Charles and allow herself to be used as a political pawn.
I mean, the Holly that I know is a down-to-earth, sensible woman.
Hello, everyone! My fiance Charles and I just spent the loveliest afternoon at Gracie Mansion with the mayor, who happens to be a very close personal friend of my fiance, Charles.
He's my rock.
Wake up.
I'm trying to show off my ring.
[Overlapping compliments.]
That's it? Where's the "Way to go Holly"? Or at least, "hey, if you can do it, anyone can?" Well, frankly, we don't know what to think.
We never thought you'd say yes.
Why wouldn't I? Because, hon, the reason he wants to get married so fast is to help him get elected to the senate.
Are you forgetting that I was the one who originally set the date for next week? It just so happens it works for Charles, too.
How magical is that? The universe has sent me the perfect man, and we're in love.
Well, I think I know a thing or two about affairs of the heart.
Let me settle this.
Hmm.
Let's see, a princess cut, excellent clarity, about 2.
3 carats.
Yep.
This is love.
Oh, hey, Holly, I wanted to what the what? - Nice ice! - Now that's a reaction! Ohh, look at you about to get married.
I used to have a smile like that.
Oh.
Now I'm divorced.
And I have a bigger one.
Ah! In fact, tonight, I want to celebrate.
Party on me.
- Oh, yeah! - I will be here.
Yeah, really? You're really gonna be here? Yeah, why wouldn't I? Well, you sure you have time for us common folk? Yeah, you don't have a gala at Wayne Manor with Commissioner Gordon? Okay, knock it off.
Look, I know I've been a little busy, but there's nobody more important to me than you guys.
Aw.
[Phone rings.]
Charles.
See ya.
[Upbeat music.]
[excited panting.]
Why are you walking like that? I got two gallons of iced tea in me, and it wants out! What happened to the Lutz bladder control? Even a Lutz has his limits.
Cover me.
I'm gonna use this bush.
No! No, no! I said cover me! I got to go! [Frantic panting.]
Then so do I.
No, no, no, no, no, no! [Panting.]
Uh! Anybody got a bathroom I could use? [Whining.]
Please! I'll give you ten bucks! For ten bucks, you can use mine.
[Relieved chuckle.]
Yeah.
You can use mine for seven! Seven! Seven.
I'll do it for five.
Five it is! [Laughs.]
All right! Buzz me in! [Panting.]
Buzz me in! [Door buzzing.]
[Stammers.]
Hi, Charles.
What did you want to see me about? Something that couldn't wait.
- What? - I missed you.
Aww.
I missed you, too.
Hey, what do you say we sneak off and go somewhere alone? I haven't had you to myself since the engagement.
Oh, I would love to, but I'm booked all day.
Life of a congressman.
All right, well, if you're not available, could you at least be a little less hot? [Laughs.]
Oh, am I interrupting something? - Yeah.
- Anyway The car is waiting downstairs, and you don't want to be tardy for the school board.
Oh, that just came out.
I didn't mean to be so whimsical.
I'm sure it won't happen again.
[Chuckles.]
I'll call you this afternoon.
Okay.
Holly, while you're here, let's go over your schedule for tonight.
Tonight? Wait, uh-oh, that's gonna be a problem.
I have plans with friends.
Friends? You know People you hang out with who occasionally make you smile? How about a compromise? There is no reason you can't fulfill your political duties and still make your party.
Okay, great.
You will have 12 minutes.
just to do my mocking impression of you.
You'll do what we call "the French leave.
" You make a big, splashy entrance, make sure everyone knows you're there, and then when no one is looking, you slip out like a thief in the night.
So basically you want me to bail on my friends? Either that or let the congressman down.
Holly He is depending on you.
Are you sure this French leave thing works? Of course.
Right now, my mother thinks I'm at lunch with her.
Hey, look, it's Miss Bitter America.
Mm.
Eden made me wear it for the party.
It's dumb, right? Oh, that's right, I'm single.
Oh, good.
You're all here.
You know how I'm always saying that I got a million-dollar idea, but this time I really do? Mm-hmm.
Well, this time, I really do.
You wanna hear it? Ooh, I don't, but it's like a horror movie.
You know you shouldn't open the door, but you just can't help yourself.
Don't you open that door, Stuart.
Don't you dare open that door.
I can't help it.
What's the idea? A network Of toilets.
Are you happy, Stuart? You opened the door.
Lady and gentlemen, I am going to create an app which connects those with bathrooms to those in need, and I call it Pee harmony.
Like an airbnb for toilets? I get it.
- Really? - Yeah.
Because we need a select group of investors with vision and a passable credit score.
What? Well, what are you looking to get? - I mean - Whoa, are you crazy? I'm not gonna let you take your settlement money and literally flush it down the toilet.
I'm sorry, Haskell.
Maybe Stuart's right.
I should wait for a safer investment.
Okay.
But if you can find something safer than time-sharing toilets, be my guest.
What am I, the designated drinker? - Oh.
- This is a party, people.
- Get your drink on! - Yes, okay.
- That liquor is brown.
- [Laughs.]
Hello, everyone.
Look who's here.
Holly's here.
Hi, Nicki.
Hi, Stuart.
I'm here.
Hi, Eden, I made it.
- Phil, look, I'm here.
- Hey.
- Hi, Haskell, I - Yeah, yes, you're here.
- We get it.
- Oh, okay, good.
Ah, yes, to party with my favorite peeps.
Okay, well, let me get you a drink.
- Or cut you off.
- No.
No, let me buy a round.
It's on me.
Oh, come on.
I can't let you do that.
Why not? It's your party, and I'll buy if I want to.
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
Look, I made a joke at 8:17.
Remember that.
Could you send a round of drinks to that table over there? Hi.
Would you excuse me? Listen, you guys, I just for a minute.
Just for a sec hey.
- Hi.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
- Yeah? 'Cause it looks like you just got here and you're trying to sneak Oh, my god! You're doing the French leave.
- The French what? - What's going on? Holly's doing the French leave.
I should have known it.
She came in way too hot.
Whoa, hey.
What's happening? Holly's French leaving us.
I'm being French leaved at my own party? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can't pull off the French leave with so few people.
Exactly.
For a crowd this size, you go with the Mexican back-out.
How do you all know about this? How do you think we get out of your Christmas parties? What's with the games, Holly? I'm sorry.
I wanted to be here.
I really did.
But Charles has all these events I'm supposed to go to.
Well, then you should just go.
I mean, it's part of your new life.
Yeah, I know we gave you a hard time, but we get it.
Yeah, you got responsibilities.
I mean, you're the congressman's fiance.
Yeah, we understand.
Just give me my gift and go.
[All laughing.]
I'm kidding.
Go.
Okay.
But you can mail it to me, though.
Okay, all right.
All right.
All right, bye, guys.
- Bye.
- Uhhuh.
[Indistinct chatter.]
- [Laughs.]
- Everybody have one? - Yeah.
- I got one.
- Yes, I have.
- I got two.
[Indistinct chatting and laughing.]
What? Let's get this party started.
[All cheering.]
Give me a shot.
- To Nicki! - Nicki! Oh, wait, that's me.
I thought I looked familiar.
To Nicki! [Laughs.]
Ah, the laugh is back.
[Chuckles.]
I missed that hearty honk.
What? You mean you're not a fan of the new one? "Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!" No, no, no.
It's more like this.
"Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" No, no, it's like, "whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo.
" [Laughs.]
How dare you.
It was like, "oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!" - Yes! - [All laughing.]
Nicki, sweetie, are you okay? Honey, you're pale, and your eyes look glassy.
- Oh.
- They are? Is there a doctor in the house? - I'm a doctor.
- Wha-what? Oh.
Do I look sick? You do.
But don't worry.
I got the cure.
[Rock music plays.]
[Laughs.]
Eden, you didn't! Happy divorce! Oh, my god.
You are a naughty little thing, aren't you? I don't want to hear that from you.
I want to hear that from the doctor.
Hey, doc, over here.
I'm the sick one.
[Laughs.]
I can't believe a man of medicine would resort to this.
Stuart, that dude's a stripper.
Well, obviously.
It's just unfortunate he has to stoop to this to pay his medical school loans.
Hey, ladies, show the man some love.
Make it rain! Whoo! Hi, there.
Okay.
- Yeah! - [All laughing.]
Hey, Nicki.
How's the noggin? It's pounding.
I'd see a doctor, but I'm all out of singles.
What are you all dressed up for? Oh, I had a morning meeting with a venture capitalist to give him the opportunity to invest in pee harmony.
How'd it go? He was negative from the moment I threw myself on the hood of his limo.
Hey, hey.
Where is everybody? - Stuart, get out here! - Loud, loud, way too loud.
What's going on? So I went for a run and I passed a newsstand.
Check it out.
"Baby dinosaur spotted in central Park.
" No, not that! That.
"Congressman's bride-to-be seen cavorting with male stripper.
" - Oh.
- Is there a picture? - Yeah, there's a picture.
- Oh.
Wow.
She looks like she's singing into a very nasty microphone.
I'm no expert at politics, but this ain't good.
- No.
- Mm-mm.
I wonder if Holly's seen this.
Hey, guys.
How much fun was last night? Oh, I'm so glad you talked me into staying.
[Chuckles.]
Why you looking at me? I didn't ask you to stay.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
We said you should leave.
Yeah, why didn't you leave? For god's sake, why didn't you leave? What's going on? Phil, show her.
What is it? "Baby dinosaur spotted in central Park.
" No, no, no, not that.
That, that.
[Gasps.]
Oh, my god.
"Congressman's bride-to-be seen cavorting with a male stripper.
" Oh, no.
Holly.
I'm so sorry.
What am I gonna do? When Charles sees that, he's gonna break off our engagement.
Maybe it's not as bad as it seems.
Not bad? It looks like I'm chatting up a sock puppet! Hello? Hello? In here, Holly.
Hi, Charles.
Hello, Holly.
We assume you've seen the paper.
I have.
How about that dinosaur in the Park? Is that nuts or what? You know very well what I'm referring to.
Charles, I never meant for this to happen.
I'm so, so sorry.
I know you are.
We'll get past this.
Past this? There's a past this? - Yeah.
- Oh, my god.
You have no idea how relieved I am.
Oh.
First thing we have to do is damage control to restore your image.
Restore my image.
Good, good, good.
We will arrange for you to throw yourself into charity work, reading to the blind, volunteering at soup kitchens.
Ooh, I can do soup kitchens.
I'm a great ladler.
We cannot afford any more missteps.
From now on we're going to keep you on a much tighter leash.
Leash? We need you fully focused on the campaign.
So plan on taking a leave of absence from your job.
Leave my job? Yes.
And until the election is over, you might want to think about limiting your interactions with your, um Friends.
What? Charles, you can't possibly be on board with this.
Victoria, will you give us a moment? Well, there are several other He said give us a moment.
Look, Charles, I know I screwed up, but you cannot possibly expect me to agree with all of that.
I'm running for office.
There are compromises that need to be made.
Well, it seems like I'm the only one making them.
Holly, you're my fiance.
Everything that you do reflects on me.
I thought you understood what you were getting into.
I thought you understood who I was.
I'm not some mousey, little wallflower.
I know that, but I just I need you to be a little less me.
What happened to the man I fell in love with in Jamaica? I'm still him.
I'm still that guy.
But I'm also a candidate for the senate.
Then maybe I'm not cut out to be a candidate's wife.
So where does that leave us? In a hammock in Jamaica.
Maybe we should have left it there.
"Congressman Charles Hayward has officially announced his split from fiance Holly Franklin, stating quote, 'we wish each other well and are happily moving on with our lives.
'" [whimpering.]
Look at you moving on with your life.
I know this will make me fat, but this will make me forget I'm fat.
Neither of those is gonna help you get over Charles.
I know, but both of them might.
- Holly, can we come in? - Oh, great.
Here comes the pity train.
That's not true.
How are you? Are you feeling okay? That's a really nice dress.
It is a nice dress, isn't it? I would have made a beautiful bride.
Maybe I should just accept the fact I'm never getting married.
Maybe if I give up hope, it won't hurt so much.
Holly, don't say that.
You're an amazing woman.
Any guy would be lucky to marry you.
You're beautiful, brilliant.
You're the complete package.
You were right not to change for that guy.
You're perfect the way you are.
If I'm so perfect, why am I alone? You don't have to be.
Holly Franklin Will you marry me? What? You're everything a guy could want in a woman.
Stuart, that's crazy.
Yeah, Stuart, that's crazy.
Holly Franklin Marry me.
Not only will we have an amazing life together, we'll have some smoking hot kids.
Uh, um I I would throw my hat in the ring, but at this point it would just cheapen the gesture.
What do you say? Would you do me the honor? You guys, thank you both so much.
I really appreciate the gesture, but I think for now I'm gonna give the marriage thing a rest.
So you're saying that you would turn down any proposal you got right now? Yeah.
Holly Franklin, from the first moment I met you oh, get up.
I'm sorry, you guys.
I just need a little time alone.
What's not to get? It's a network of toilets! Fine.
Don't invest.
It's your loss.
This is a billion dollar idea, and I'm never giving up.
How's it going, Haskell? I give up.
Oh, Haskell.
Listen, you are not gonna believe this.
I was walking down the street when suddenly I had to pee really bad, so I thought of you.
Oh.
I paid a woman ten bucks to use her bathroom.
Your idea works, Haskell.
It works! What's this? A check.
I am buying into pee harmony.
Are you sure? Because you know, I've had a lot of women say yes to me only to regret it later.
I'm positive.
- Nicki, I can't let you - Stuart, do not make me - come over there.
- Okay.
So what do you say? Partners? Partners.
We're in the wiz biz.
[Both laughing.]
Hey, guys.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
Where you been? I went down to the lake house to cancel my wedding.
[Sighs.]
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm great actually.
'Cause I didn't cancel it.
In one week, I'm getting married.
To whom? Well, Stuart, you know, I thought about what you said.
I am everything someone would want in a woman.
Yes, I did say that.
No.
Relax.
It's not you.
- Oh, my god.
- It's not you, either.
And it's not you.
Who are you marrying? Someone who loves me, appreciates me, accepts me for who I am.
Who? Who is it? Me.
I'm marrying myself.