The Honeymooners (1955) s04e11 Episode Script

With the stars and ( humming ) What d'you say there, Alice? Oh, hi, Ed.
Happy anniversary.
Oh, thank you.
Is Ralph home yet? I got to see him about something important.
No.
He'll be home soon.
Well, I tell you, Morgan's-- you know, the furniture store there-- they're having a sale.
Uh-huh.
Trixie and me bought a nice dining room set, you know.
Oh, that's wonderful, Ed.
Yeah.
And, uh, well, we're buying it on time, you know? And they always ask you for a name for reference, so I gave 'em Ralph's name.
So, they'll write a letter, you know, and I just want to make sure that Ralph gives them a good recommend.
Oh, sure.
You don't have to worry about that.
Let me tell you something, I wish Trixie could make icing that tastes like this.
Icing? Ed, that's starch! Starch? I still wish Trixie could make icing that tastes like this.
( banging on door ) Ralph.
You want to open the door? Oh.
Open up! Hey, there, Ralphie boy.
Hiya, Norton.
Oh, Ralph! Put that up there, will ya? What have you got there, an anniversary present? Alice, I got something that you've wanted all your life.
What? Wait till you see this.
This'll tickle you to your heart's content.
Oh, what is it? A vacuum cleaner.
Hey-hey, hey-hey! It's one of those second-hand ones, but it's a beaut.
Wait till you see this.
Look out.
It's got all the attachments.
Well, what do you think of that? Look at this.
Here, put this on and that's for cleaning rugs.
We haven't got any rugs.
Put this on for cleaning upholstered furniture.
We haven't got any upholstered furniture.
Clean drapes with this.
And we haven't got any drapes.
And this picks up the dirt.
That we've got.
What's the matter? You're acting like you don't like this.
It's not that, Ralph.
It's just that we don't have anything to use it on.
So what? We'll buy some rugs, some furniture, some drapes, and we're in business.
You've been saying that, Ralph, for 15 years and you still haven't bought them.
But now I got a reason to buy 'em.
We got a vacuum cleaner.
I see his point of view, Alice.
First thing's first, huh? Exactly.
Now, look.
Get that box of oatmeal and bring it over here.
Okay.
What are you going to do, Ralph? I'm gonna show you the oatmeal test.
The guy down at the store, when he demonstrated, he showed me how to do it with oatmeal.
Sprinkle it all over the floor.
Ralph! Don't worry, I know what I'm doing.
I just got through cleaning this floor.
Will you please stop bothering? Sprinkle it all over.
Happy New Year! Ha! Will you stop that and just sprinkle it.
All right, here.
Put this plug in the wall.
Plug in the wall.
Now, wait till you see this.
I'm waiting.
Now, all right.
Now, plug it in.
Wait a minute.
Wait till you see this take up that oatmeal.
Now I press the button right here.
And here it goes.
( vacuum starts up ) ( vacuum running ) ( vacuum turns off ) I, uh, I think that motor needs a drop of oil.
Yeah, that's what it needs, just a little drop of oil.
It'll be all right.
A drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas.
What's that supposed to be, smart or something? Remember, Alice, I got this for your pleasure, not mine.
Wait a minute, you got to pin the point of logic here.
Now, I mean, this-this machine passed the oatmeal test down at the store.
There's no reason in the world why it shouldn't pass the oatmeal test right here on the floor.
Absolutely.
Push the button, Norton.
Ready? Right.
Will you push the button! It's on the other end.
Right there.
Oh, this? ( vacuum starts up ) Now.
( vacuum turns off ) Uh Wanna try it with corn flakes, Ralph? Why don't you shut it? Ralph.
Did the man use this machine to demonstrate with? No, but he used one just like it.
Now, what has that got to do with it? I thought so.
Now, look, Ralph.
I appreciate the idea of you buying me a gift.
But you got stuck, so now just take all these things and take 'em right back.
I did not get stuck, and I'm not taking it back! It doesn't work.
It will work.
All it needs is a little fixing.
You're wasting your time, Ralph.
This is nothing but a piece of junk.
Is that so? Is that so? What are you, an authority on vacuum cleaners? No.
I just happen to be an authority on junk.
( door shuts ) Wisenheimer.
Listen, Ralph, I think it's very safe for me to say in all due modesty that that my mechanical knowledge is equal to the problem at hand there.
Now, first of all, I would say listening to that motor there that the armature sprocket is causing interference, which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow and the dynaflow.
Now, what does that mean? I don't know.
Oh, leave me alone! Well, try to find out, then.
Just stay out of my way.
I'll fix it.
There's probably just something simple that's wrong with it.
Some tiny little thing.
Aha.
What'd I tell you? There's something stuck in there.
Still in there.
Must be stuck pretty tight.
You're doing it the hard way.
You put the switch on ( vacuum starts up ) The switch is stuck, Ralph.
The screwdriver Where's the plug? It's in the Oh, get it out? ( vacuum turns off ) Ah! ( groans ) I can't understand what you're saying to me, Ralph.
( growls ) Look, accidents will happen.
Yes, and you're the biggest accident that ever happened! Now get out of here! Are you? Out! Listen, to me, if I go out this door-- you know, I got feelings, too-- I'll never come back in again.
I'll never come back in again.
Get out! May I say one thing before I leave? Well? That's a piece of junk! Get out of here! Sure is no getting around it, Ralph.
Having a vacuum cleaner has sure lightened my housework! You're a riot, Alice.
A regular riot.
Hope they like those jokes on the moon, 'cause that's where you're going.
Now, will you get me a towel? I want to wash my hands.
What happened to the water? Oh, somebody upstairs must be using it.
You know the water pressure's bad in this building.
Trixie's probably doing her dinner dishes.
Oh, Trixie's doing the dishes? Well, that's just fine.
Will you have a little patience, Ralph? The water'll be on in a minute.
All right.
All right, Alice, from now on, when I want to wash my hands, I'll walk over to the sink, put my hands under the faucet, I'll stand here quietly.
I'll wait patiently.
It might take hours, might take days, but I'll be here, waiting very patiently for the water ( yelling ) ( yelling ) ( yelling ) ( steam stops ) Ahh! Aah! What's the matter with this place?! Here's your towel, Ralph.
( knock on door ) Answer that.
Oh, Alice.
Hi, Ralph.
Oh, hi, Joe.
You know Joe Rumsy, he's a member of the Racoon Club.
Hi.
Nice to see you again.
Well, as long as you're here, Joe, I think I'll run up and see Trixie, Ralph.
Fine.
Well, I come over here to congratulate you.
Looks like you're gonna be the Racoon's new convention manager.
Me, the convention manager for the Racoons? How'd you find that out? Simple arithmetic.
It's between you and Frank McGillacutty.
Now, only the seven executive members can vote.
That means you need four votes to win, right? Yeah.
Well, I just happen to find out that Jerry Shaw's gonna vote for you.
So, figure it out: Jerry Shaw, me, you're gonna vote for yourself, and Ed Norton'll vote for you.
Norton? Sure.
What's the matter? Nothing, but I just had a little argument.
But it doesn't mean We're always arguing, I can fix that up.
How about that? Me, the convention manager.
Yeah, how about that? You know what that means? I get to go to Chicago, they pay all expenses.
Then I get a car to drive around in.
Yeah.
Get a chance to meet all the big shots.
Joe, I certainly am happy that you showed up.
That's all right, I'm very happy to Hey, I see you bought your wife a vacuum cleaner, huh? Yeah.
Isn't that a doozy? Women sure go for these things, don't they? They certainly do.
They run kind of high, don't they? Oh, yeah.
This cost me $4.
95 down at Dowzer's on Dekalb Avenue.
Yeah, that sure is a nice one.
But it's worth it.
Worth every penny of it.
Yeah, nice machine.
Real nice.
Well, look, I got to be running, Ralph.
I'll see you at the meeting tomorrow night.
Now, look, be sure that Norton gets there.
Remember, he's got the deciding vote.
Without him, Frank McGillacutty will win.
You be See-see that he's there.
Don't worry, I'll rem I'll take care of it, pal.
Good.
So long, Convention Manager.
So long, Joe.
( laughs ) Norton, pal.
Norton! Pal o' mine! It's no use, Ralph.
Norton's through with you, and he never wants to talk to you again.
He's got to talk to me.
This is important.
You're wasting your time; Norton's not even home.
Where is he? He went bowling with Frank McGillacutty.
Oh.
Here's the water you wanted, Norton.
Thank you, McGillacutty.
I put some ice in it to cool it.
Yeah, thank you.
Ooh, sorry.
Watch that.
Thank you, McGillacutty.
I, uh, I haven't been smoking cigars too much lately.
Too much trouble trying to light the wet end.
The wet end? You're supposed to light the dry end.
My boy, in a sewer, there ain't no dry end.
Well, hiya, pal Norton.
Hello, McGillacutty.
Where were you, pal? I was waiting for you to come home.
I wanted to floor you with some egg fu yung.
Norton had dinner with me.
He had steak.
You are a snake.
But it's not gonna do you any good, McGillacutty because Norton is voting for me.
( sneezes ) ( clears throat ) Excuse me, gentlemen.
Must be catching a cold.
Probably caught it working in that sewer on Park Avenue.
Always catch a cold working in the Park Avenue sewer.
What's so different about a Park Avenue sewer? There're air conditioners.
I'll go get you an aspirin.
Good boy.
What a hypocrite.
I've seen some hypocrites in my day, but he is the hypiest critic that I've ever seen.
Look, Norton, let me level with you.
Sure, we had a couple arguments, but we always have arguments.
But when there's an emergency, we always come to the other guy's aid.
How about that time we were playing softball, and you got hit in the head with a bat? Who got a cab and took you over to the hospital? I did.
Who come up and saw you every day? I did.
Who brought you cigarettes and candy? I did.
Who hit me in the head with the bat? You did! Just like you, Norton, always bringing up the bad things, never bringing up the good things.
PRESIDENT: All right, Kramden, Norton, come on.
Let's get the meeting started.
Come on.
PRESIDENT: Uh, Brother Norton? As Sergeant At Arms, you sit here besides me.
And now, Brother Racoons, we all know what we're here for-- to elect the business manager for this year's convention.
Now, as there are two men up for election, we're going to make this a secret ballot so nobody's feelings will be hurt.
Now, Brother Norton, will you, uh, will you pass out the ballots and the pencils? Yes, O President.
Yes, sir.
( clears throat ) PRESIDENT: Now, you just fill in the name of the man of your choice.
Fold the ballot and give it back to Brother Norton.
That's it.
Now collect them.
RALPH: Will you come on, Norton? And now, Brother Norton, you fill out your ballot.
Will you come on and finish the ballot? All right, all right, all right.
Oh Thank you, Brother Norton.
I will now count the ballots.
One for Kramden.
Two for Kramden.
Three for Kramden.
It's a landslide.
One for McGillacutty.
Two for McGillacutty.
Three for McGillacutty.
PRESIDENT: I will now read the deciding vote.
The deciding vote is McGillacutty.
( men cheer ) Congratulations.
There's a keg of beer in the other room, boys.
Let's celebrate now.
McGILLACUTTY: And when that's finished, I'm buying the next one.
Come on, Norton.
Boy, you're a real pal.
Oh, hi, Alice.
( humming ) Oh, hi, Trix.
Oh, Alice, I got those tomatoes that you wanted from the store.
Oh, thanks ever so much.
Oh, I picked up your mail for you, too.
Oh, thanks.
What? Hey, look.
Here's an interesting advertisement.
Robinsons is having a one-day fur sale tomorrow.
Oh.
The $5,000 McDarlum mink coats are reduced to $3,900.
Oh, you'll have to run right down there and get one first thing in the morning.
Yeah, one of each color.
Yeah.
Let's see this other Oh, this must be Morgan's.
You know, about that reference that Ed wanted Ralph to write out, Yeah.
I'll have Ralph take care of it Oh, thanks, Alice.
for him right away.
Hey, I'd better be getting upstairs.
Ed'll be here any minute.
Okay.
I'll see you later, honey.
All right.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
( humming ) Da, da, da.
( rapping ) ( laughing ) ( laughing louder ) Hoo, that dirty bum.
I can't believe it.
Just can't believe it! How could Norton do this to me? His friend, colleague, confidante.
How could he vote against me? Just can't believe it.
I can't believe it either, Ralph.
Why can't you believe it? He did it, didn't he? Stabbed me in the back.
Well, that's how it goes.
History repeats itself.
Brutus had his Caesar.
Kramden's got his Norton.
Ralph.
Now, you listen to me.
Don't Ralph me! Listen to me, Ralph.
You didn't get one wink of sleep last night, and you've had a miserable day today.
It's not gonna do any good thinking about it.
It's over with, it's done.
Now, come on.
Don't be bitter about this.
Sit down, honey, and I'll get your supper.
Come on.
Oh.
Come on.
Maybe you're right.
What's the sense of being bitter about it? It's over, nothing can be done.
They didn't vote for me.
Didn't vote for me, that's all.
No sense in getting riled up, steamed, staying bitter.
Forgive and forget.
That's the big thing to do.
Sometimes you got to be big about these things.
Forget it, get it out of your system.
As a matter of fact, Alice, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm even gonna forgive Norton.
Forgive, forget.
Good, honey.
I'm glad to hear you talk like that.
Too many people carrying grudges right to the grave these days.
Something wrong happens happened, there's nothing you can do about it.
Forget it.
You know I'm beginning to feel happier already.
He wants a reference?! That bum wants a reference?! Now, Ralph I'll give him a reference.
Ralph, what are you going to do? I'll give him a reference.
I'll show you what I'm gonna do.
Ralph The gall that he wants a reference! Let's see.
"How long have you known the applicant?" "Too long.
" " Do you consider the applicant trustworthy?" Huh.
"Don't make me laugh.
" "In your opinion, is the applicant of good character? " "The applicant is a bum.
" Ralph, you're not going to mail that letter.
Oh, I'm not? And who do you think's gonna stop me? Alice, Alice, I'm sorry to bother you.
I forgot to buy soap.
Can I borrow some from you? Norton wants to take a bath.
Oh, sure, Trix.
Get out! Huh? Get out!! What? Oh, no.
And stay out of here, too! Ralph, what is the matter with you? Have you gone crazy? Like I'm crazy? I'll show you if I've gone crazy.
He wants to take a bath, huh? All right.
I'll take care of that.
He'll take one without water.
Ralph, get away from that sink.
What? Get away from that sink.
You want me to get away from the sink? Yes, I do.
All right.
There, I'll get away from the sink.
Now that I've taken care of his bath, now I'm gonna take care of his dining room furniture that he thinks he's gonna get.
Give me a stamp.
Nothing doing.
I'm not gonna help you make an idiot out of yourself.
I don't need your help.
I'll do it myself.
All right, Ralph, what's the idea? All right, what's the idea, Ralph? What's the idea, Ralph? I'll tell you what the idea is! From this moment on, as long as you live in this building, you're never gonna get another drop of water.
No? No.
You know what I'll do, don't you? I'll go to the Board of Health.
They'll fix something for me.
They will? You couldn't go to the Board of Nuts! Now get out of my way.
I have an very important letter to mail.
Ralph! ( grumbles ) ( door slams ) Ed, can you do something about that water? Yeah, yeah.
It's gonna overflow.
I'll turn the dial off underneath the sink here.
Boy, let me tell you, Alice.
That husband of yours has got some disposition.
Oh, I don't know, Ed.
He's really got a very sweet disposition.
Only trouble is, he's so steamed all the time, you never notice it.
Yeah, you can say that again.
Well, I'll tell you something, Ed.
Ralph is really very disappointed.
It wasn't so much losing the convention manager's job.
What hurt him, Ed, was the fact that you let him down.
That you didn't vote for him.
Et tu, Alice? Et tu? Do you think I'd break that poor little fat boy's heart? You mean to say you didn't vote for Frank McGillacutty? McGillacutty? I don't even know how to spell his name.
Then why didn't you tell Ralph? I'll tell you why I didn't tell him; I got my pride! If he wants to think I'd do a thing like that, let him.
If he wants to call me names, let him.
If he wants to kick me out of the apartment all the time, let him.
If he wants to make my life miserable, let him.
Huh-huh, the joke's on him.
Ed, this is just ridiculous.
Now you're gonna stay right here with me until Ralph gets home, and then you're gonna telling him the truth.
Oh, I'm not.
While he's out, I'm going to take a bath.
No, you stay here.
So, you're still here, huh, Benedict Arnold? Ralph, you were all wrong.
Ed just told me that he did vote for you.
He did? Yes, he did.
And you believed him? Yes.
Well, you see, Alice, that's the difference between you and me.
You are gullible and I'm not.
Anybody can put anything over on you, but they can't put it over on me.
You're the type that would bend way over and pick up a pocketbook on April Fools' Day.
I wouldn't! You couldn't.
Oh, boy, are you gonna get yours.
All right, Norton, if you didn't double-cross me, who did? Joe Rumsy.
Joe Rumsy? That's ridiculous! Joe Rumsy double-crossed me.
He was right in this very room and told me he was gonna vote for me.
Now, why should he change his mind? Remember that vacuum cleaner you recommended to him? He bought one for his wife.
He didn't do too good with the oatmeal test, either.
Ralph, I think you owe Ed an apology.
I, uh I apologize.
Put her there, pal.
( snorts ) Wait a minute! What? The reference.
The letter of reference from the department store! Remember, you told them to send it to me? You wanted to get some furniture.
I just mailed it.
I practically told them that you were a crook! You're never gonna get the furniture now.
Look, don't let it worry you.
Don't-don't let it bother you a bit, Ralph.
You're not sore? Nah.
Don't let it bother you.
Norton, I misjudged you.
I'm telling you, If I was in your place, I would be real mad.
Well, if I was in your place, I'd be even madder.
That dining room set we bought wasn't for us.
That was for you and Alice.
That was an anniversary present.