The New Adventures of Old Christine s04e11 Episode Script

Why do the Bloom corporate people have to come before we can get our new equipment? I don't need the man coming in here telling me how to run my business.
Don't start with the whole "man" thing, okay? It scares people.
There is no "man.
" Oh, there's always the man.
Bloom is entirely run by women.
Women can be the man.
Look, Barb, we got our president, okay? Just settle down.
Anyway, let me do the talking, okay? People like me.
They think I'm funny.
What kind of people think you're funny? People who don't know me.
You're just used to me.
People who aren't used to me think I'm very funny.
Hello.
I hope I'm in the right place.
I'm from Bom.
I'm Christine.
And this is my partner Barb.
I'm Margaret from Cleveland, but you can call me Margaret.
Margaret, okay.
Well, shall we get started? I don'want to take up too much of your time.
Here we go.
The man wants to get started, so I guess we better get started.
Oh, I'm not a man.
I just love the versatility of a pantsuit.
No, don't worry about her.
She has a bad reaction to authority figures.
And pantsuits.
So Hillary Clinton is out.
Wowie, they told me you were funny, but this is ridiculous.
See? I'm ridiculous.
Yes, you are.
So, how's business? Well, our membership has grown by at least Really? That's fantastic, Barb.
We've made $200 on the tampon machine alone.
We find that when a woman needs a tampon, she'll pay almost anything for it.
Been there.
But we're still using the original equipment from when the gym opened five years ago.
Yeah, I mean, I don't want to say our equipment is old, but we're still using those fat-shaking belts from the '50s.
Well, I got to tell you, this all looks pretty good.
You gals are growing your business and selling tampons like they're going out of style.
Seems like the only thing you're missing is some brand-spanking-new equipment.
Oh, so we're going to get it? You bet your bottom dollar you are.
Wow, I thought you were going to be all corporate and hardass, but you're great.
Not like the man at all.
No, Bloom is not about the man.
Bloom is a company run by women, for women, and you two gals are very important petals on the Bloom rose.
Well, Margaret, I got to tell you, we're all about women here, too.
I mean, the only balls you're going to find in this gym, are the ones we do our sit-ups on.
Oh, golly, you're too much.
Yeah, I'll tell you something, we're all about women here.
I mean, so much so, we even married each other.
Now she's kidding me again.
No, we really did do it.
Yeah, she is my best friend, she's my business partner, she's the old ball and chain.
Oh, shoot.
Well, that complicates things.
- How so? - I'm going to have to shut you down.
Say, what? proudly presents sync:ßÇÈâÈâ of Old Christine Season04 Episode11 Margaret, Margaret, what are you talking about? You can't just shut us down.
Well, check your contracts, ladies.
There's a very detailed "family values" clause that every franchisee has to sign.
You signed it and by marrying a woman, you violated it.
But it was nice meeting you.
You signed a family values clause? I don't know.
I mean, you know I don't read anything that doesn't have a picture of celebrity cellulite.
What the heck? Listen, you can't just close down the gym.
We make money for the company.
I thought you said we were important petals on the Bloom rose.
Well, you were important petals.
Now you're just naughty girls.
Damn it! Aw, Jiminy Crickets.
Look, you have to give us our gym back.
Well, I'm sorry, gals, but I can't.
Bloom is a pro-family, pro-marriage organization.
We spend millions of dollars every year trying to protect traditional male-female marriage laws in several states.
Why? Because anything else is just ookie.
Marriage is between a man and a woman.
Family values.
Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
Two Ronalds don't make a right.
Okay, I'm going to take the stairs.
Please don't follow me, and do not look at my rear end.
Oh, great.
Now that she said that, I have to look.
Are you crying? It's the movie.
It's about a mule who kicks field goals.
Don't tell me how to feel, Richard.
Would you prefer this? Is there a third choice? I'm sorry.
It's my hormones.
These new birth control pills have my whole system out of whack.
Maybe you should get off them.
Oh, maybe I should get off them? Is that what you think I should do? Maybe you should get off me! Maybe I should get off them.
But then what will we use for birth control? Whatever you want-- as long as it's not ndoms or abstinence or anythg else that I have to be responsible for.
Listen, I've been thinking about it a lot.
Maybe we should think about a more permanent solution.
Really? You don't want babies? Well, I have a baby.
I have Ritchie.
I love him as if he were my own.
But it's even better because, if he doesn't turn out okay, it's not my fault.
Listen, I'm really okay with not having any more.
Not that anyone asked my opinion.
I think we should have a procedure.
I guess I could be okay with that.
I mean, we can find you the best doctor and I'll make sure you're really comfortable.
And obviously I'll pay for half.
Not me, Richard.
You.
You mean like a vasectomy? No way.
I n't even keep my car keys in my front pocket.
But you'd be willing to let me get my tubes tied? I'd be willing to do that.
No.
It's a much more serious operation.
They put you under for that.
They don't put you under for a vasectomy? Who came up with that? Christine? Richard, it's a simple procedure.
It's just so final, you know? What if things don't work out between us? I just kind of want to keep my options open.
You want to talk about options, Richard? Because I'm 15 years younger than you.
I was raised in the age of sunscreen, my mother still doesn't have to wear a bra, every lawyer in my office has offered to marry me, and there's not a single bald person in my family tree.
So, if you want to talk options, let's talk.
Please don't leave me.
Here it is.
Man, they buried it in the second paragraph of the contract.
"Franchisees agree to conduct themselves in adherence with core traditional values as they pertain" to appropriate sexual and moral conduct.
" You initialed that twice? I saw the word "sexual," I thought I was on board.
Anyway, they can't just revoke our franchise at any time.
Bloom can revoke a franchise at any time.
Did you read this at all? Read it? No.
Skim it? No.
What does it even mean? Basically it's a lot of words that add up to "no homosexuals.
" What? What could they possibly have against the homos? I mean, the homos have given us everything-- They've given us fashion and art and stretch denim and caramelized onions.
I just love the homos.
But not quite enough to stop using the word "homos.
" It seems like their problem isn't with marriage.
Their problem is with gays.
Ooh, they don't like that word.
Actually, they do.
What I'm saying is, that this ause doesn't apply to us because we're not gay.
You're right.
Oh, my Barb, this is just a huge misunderstanding.
Yeah, we shouldn't lose our franchise at all.
We just have to go to Margaret and we tell her we're not gay.
Then we can get our franchise back and we have no problem.
Except for the problem of working for a company that discriminates against gay people.
Why is that our problem? We're not gay.
No, but you'd be in business with a company that discriminates.
Not against us.
So everything's okay then? Yeah, I think so.
Are you good, Barb? I'm good.
Okay, so you'd be making money and promoting a company that supports something that you don't believe in? You know what, the truth is, we don't really make that much money.
Those tampon figures were wildly exaggerated.
Plus, we have a lot of gay clients at the gym.
If we close down, those women will gain weight.
Then they will be discriminated against because they're overweight.
I can't have fat homos on my conscience.
What conscience? You can't rationalize this.
Oh, I think we just did.
- Barb? - I'm good.
Why, Christine, what are you doing here? Hi, Margaret.
May I come in? - Sure, come in.
- Oh, thank you so much.
Listen, I wanted to talk to you before you flew back to Cleveland.
I think there's been a big misunderstanding.
I think that you might have left with the impression that Barb and I are in a same-sex marriage.
- Well, aren't you? - No.
- No? - No, we're two women, and we're married.
Okay.
Well, thanks for stopping by.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
But we just did that to keep Barb in the country.
No, no.
We're not gay, so technically we didn't violate the clause.
Oh, Christine.
You can't imagine how relieved I am to hear that.
Bloom doesn't give a fig about immigration fraud.
Oh, great! Great! Yeah, yeah, so as long as you can assure me that you're not gay and sign paperwork to that effect, we can give you your franchise back.
Well, that's fantastic.
Because that's the truth.
- I'm not gay.
- Wonderful.
I'm not gay either.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
Hey, let's say it together.
I'm not gay! Yeah, now let's try it like this.
No, I-I'm not gay.
Margee, what, what what just happened? I'll tell you what just happened.
You just got your franchiseback, little lady.
No.
I meant about that kiss.
The ki? What do you mean? That was just a "welcome back to Bloom kiss".
Really? 'Cause it-it felt more like a "welcome to women's prison" kiss.
Oh, gosh, no.
I'm a married lady.
I have three children.
Oh, we Midwesterners are just friendly, I guess.
I guess.
Yeah, sure.
We call that the "Cleveland Hello".
Well, welcome back to the team! Oh, uh, Margaret, your-your robe-- it kind of opened right there.
What? Oh, well, would you look at that.
Cleveland.
Yeah.
I have to go.
- Hey, this is exciting.
- Yes! - Yeah! - Yes! Yes! Yes! We're going to get that gym all fixed up! He already took his pain killer, so he should be okay for a while.
Just remember to keep the frozen peas on the area.
I-I'm going to let him be responsible for the area.
Thank you so much for taking care of him, Matthew.
I hate that I have to go to work.
You going to be okay, sweetie? I don't know.
But you go.
Thank you so much for doing this, Richard.
You're so brave.
Couldn't do it.
What? You didn't get the vasectomy? No.
And now I'm frozen.
- Help me get some feeling back here.
- No, I will not.
- Oh, that's-- You're-- - Come on! What the hell is wrong with you? I went down there with every intention of getting it.
But once the doctor started explaining, I couldn't go through with it.
Well, what are you going to tell New Christine? She thinks you had a vasectomy.
Why do I have to tell her? You don't you think she is going to find out? Like when she gets pregnant? Well, I mean, sure.
You can pick apart any great plan and find some loophole.
It's not your fault.
You had those peas on your brain for too long.
I am telling you that was a real kiss.
I mean, if Richard had ever kissed me like that, we'd still be married.
Christine thinks the Bloom lady came on to her.
Yeah, Richard just got a pretend vasectomy.
- I know what happened.
- Show me.
Okay.
So we were standing in her hotel room, right? And she put her hands on me like this and she called me a natural beauty.
Did she? No.
But then she did this.
Margaret's gay.
And I'm pressing charges.
I think I just thawed out.
And she wanted to shut us down for being in a same-sex marriage.
That's the way it always is.
People who hate the most are always the gayest of the bunch.
Boy, grandpa must be a flamer.
So, what are you going to do? Nothing.
I mean, we got our gym back, and Margaret's flying back to Cleveland tomorrow.
It's not our problem.
Really? So, you're okay being in business with a homophobic gay religious hypocrite? - Barb? - Still good.
Look at this place.
Margaret really came thrgh.
Where exactly did you kiss her? Barb, that is unnecessary.
I just happen to be a really good kisser.
I've kissed you.
So you know.
And here's our new contract.
We just have to sign it and get it back to her.
Okay.
Is the second paragraph still in? Highlighted.
In what looks like lipstick.
Okay.
Well, let's sign it and enjoy our new gym.
Wow, you know it's weird to sign it when you actually know what it says.
Yeah, you know what? I signed the last one.
You're a full partner, why don't you sign this one? We both probably have to sign it.
- But I-I'll sign it first.
- All right.
Here.
Right here.
- I see it.
- Okay.
I can't do it either.
What, what is the matter with us? I mean, look at this place.
We got everything we wanted.
We didn't lie.
- Hey, how about this? - What? We sign it, and the money we make we use to support gay causes.
Yes.
Yes.
We could, uh, watch more women's golf, uh, you could join the Army.
We could give a bigger Christmas bonus to that mailman lady.
We could actually do more for the gay community by working for this homophobic company than we could ever do on our own.
We could be heroes! And just because you sign something doesn't mean that you agree with everything that it says.
I think it does.
It's impossible to be a hero nowadays.
Well, hi, Christine.
Oh, hi, Margaret, Hey.
I'm glad I caught you.
Um, I wanted to talk to you about the contract.
Great.
Well, come on in.
No.
Well, come on, you can't just loiter out there in the hallway.
It's unseemly.
So, what'd you think of the gym? Uh, the-the gym looks beautiful.
And, um, we would be so happy to sign the contract if we could just get rid of the second paragraph.
Oh, but, Christine, the second paragraph is the most important paragraph.
In fact, all of the other paragraphs were just thrown in so that our contract would be more than one paragraph.
Margaret, as a gay woman, how can Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.
- I'm not gay.
- Come on.
I tried that kiss out on Barb and it was gay.
Well, if one tongue kiss with another woman makes me gay, then you'd also have to say that Leslie in marketing, Terri our comptroller, and the entire Bloom softball team are gay.
And that includes our catcher, Sweet Hot Denise.
And I know that they're not gay because they all signed the contract.
Well, I-I can't sign this.
Christine, you're going to give up your whole business? Yeah, I guess I am.
Well, good gravy.
Why do you have to be such a radical? Because I don't want to work for a company who tells people who they can and can't love.
I mean, even though I'm not gay, it affects people I care about.
Like my chiropractor-- who says he's not gay, but there are all these pictures in his office of him and this tan guy on a sailboat in little tiny bathing suits.
With daiquiris.
So, because of people like you, my chiropractor can't be gay on dry land.
He has to be sailboat gay.
Well, I can see that you feel very strongly about this, Christine.
You want to take a bath? - No! - How about a daiquiri? - All right, just one.
- Okay.
Honey, I feel so much better being off the pill.
I finally feel like myself again.
Do you feel like yourself again? Yeah, I do.
Wait, what does that mean? It's been two weeks.
Now we can have sex whenever we want it.
Um, yeah, but, we can also not have sex whenever we want.
That's real freedom.
Richard, I really want to have sex.
Oh, fine.
Well, we did the right thing.
We stood up for what Matthew believed in.
I miss our plasma TVs.
I miss Margaret.
What? She was nice to me.
She said I lit up a room.
Did she? No.
- You could say it, though.
- I'm good.
to be continued