The Pretender s04e11 Episode Script
Cold Dick
At least Jarod could have led us to a place near the Strip then I could have hit the craps table.
[Clears Throat.]
Well, hit this instead: single malt, like you asked for.
And you're forgetting something.
Jarod didn't lead us here.
His friend told him to stay here in an e-mail I intercepted.
- He's been compromised this time, and he's gonna walk right into our hands.
- My hands.
- Now go to your room.
- Oh, this is my room.
Our room.
This is the honeymoon suite.
- Not even after four of these.
- Oh, no, no.
Miss Parker, it's perfect.
Why do you think Sydney and Lyle are coming tomorrow? If Jarod came here and he saw a woman and three men on the register, well, he'd- he'd know we're here.
This way, if- if you and I pretend to be the honeymoon couple, well, he'd be none the wiser.
- This was your idea.
- Yeah.
I mean, it's a good one, isn't it? Nobody'd believe you and Syd.
He's- He's middle-aged, and he's Flemish.
And you, you're young and- unless you think that you'd rather room with Lyle.
Centre's a sick place but- but your own brother? Relax, Romeo.
That's as far as I go.
Take first watch.
Anybody pulls into that parking lot, send up a flare.
- Okay.
- Broots? Fall asleep, it'll be a hell of a wedding night.
[No Audible Music.]
[Bird Chirping In Distance.]
[Sighs.]
[Murmurs, Clears Throat.]
- [Gasps.]
- [Sighs.]
[Jarod Narrating.]
Welcome to Sin City- Las Vegas, Nevada.
A Pretender could win big here- some other Pretender.
I've been rolling nothing but snake eyes.
I should be having some fun in the sun, and all I got is frostbite.
- They say luck is a lady.
That must be good luck.
- [Shivering.]
- Bad luck is definitely a man, and he dresses funny.
- [Teeth Chattering.]
Argyle tried to sell me to the Centre a couple of years back.
Last year he almost got me killed.
- [Sneezes.]
- Why should this year be any different? - [Whimpers.]
- Some days it doesn't pay to answer your e-mail.
[Man Narrating.]
There are Pretenders among us.
[Jarod.]
I was taken from my family.
Thirty-six hours and he's already demonstrating more talent than any of our others.
How many people died because of what I thought up? Since I broke out, I've spent every moment searching for my past.
[Miss Parker.]
He's a Pretender- A genius who can become anyone that he wants to be.
- The Centre wants him alive.
- Preferably.
- [Miss Parker.]
He defends the weak and abused.
- [Jarod.]
Life's a gift.
- You a doctor? - I am today.
[Jarod Narrating.]
Look at me.
Some genius.
I wish I could pretend myself into some longjohns.
But in my own defense, this all started when Argyle decided to become a Pretender.
As usual, his mouth was writing checks his brain couldn't cash.
Hello? Hello? Ha! Prepare to die, you mamaluke.
Ow! Ooh! Ah! Hey! Hey! [Grunts.]
- J-Man! You made it.
- Argyle, what are you doing? I'm sorry, J-Dog.
You saw the door.
This is a dangerous business.
And when you're the mac daddy of private dicks the flyin' monkeys- all they wanna do is put you on the night train to Emerald City.
You're lucky you didn't get your ticket punched, Richard Dixon, private investigator.
- Oh, no.
I ain't Dick Dixon.
I'm his partner.
- So why did you e-mail me? Why don't you get him to help you? Oh.
Well, you see, this ain't Double "D's" kind of gig.
This is what we in the industry call a "multifacetal" type thing.
See, there's a lot of cross-purposing entities, multicultural purposes, you know- all of that and what not.
- Good-bye, Argyle.
- No, no, no! Wait! J-Dog.
J-Dog.
You can't leave me.
You can't leave.
You're all I got, man.
I'm in trouble, Jarod.
Please.
[Jarod Narrating.]
Raymond Chandler hada secret for writing detective stories.
"When in doubt," he said, "have somebody enter the room with a gun.
" Okay, it's an ice-cream cone.
But it was pistachio and I'm allergic to pistachios.
- You Dick Dixon? - Me? No.
I'm his partner.
That's Dick Dixon.
- Oh! Ow! - Think that hurt? Taste this.
[Jarod Narrating.]
Let's call this story "Death by Double Dip.
" Now, our pistachio-packing friend will have to wait since the Pretender is now Dick Dixon, private eye.
Let me give you the skinny.
Argyle's new job was another epic work of fiction.
Dick Dixon isn't even around anymore.
He skipped town last year buried in debt.
Argyle had only become his partner a week earlier.
He was working the building as a "hospitality technician.
" And that's what he called it.
I call it "janitor.
" He happened to be scrubbing Dick Dixon's abandoned office when she walked in.
I'm looking for Dick? Excuse me? - You know- Dick.
- Dick? - Dick Dixon? - Oh.
Oh.
Dick Dixon.
Uh, yeah.
Um, no.
He's gone.
- Gone? - Yeah.
He took the slow boat to China.
[Spoken Lyric.]
that kind of thing.
- Do you work for him? - Do I work for him? - Yeah.
- Do I work for him? I am his nom de plume.
I'm his coup de grace.
I am his comrade-in-arms, you know what I'm sayin'? - I am his partner, for Pete's sake.
- Um, you do his dirty work? That's funny.
This mop- you see- I'm undercover.
I'm what we in the industry call the "clandestinal" partner.
Whatever Dick wants, Argyle gets Dick.
"Argyle.
" That's an interesting name.
Yeah.
My parents gave it to me on account of my birthmark.
Hey, would you like to see my birthmark? - No.
- Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
I- - [Sobs.]
- I get that a lot.
Please don't cry.
I hate to see a girl cry.
Here.
Take this.
There you go.
That's all right.
- Say, what's your name? - Mona.
- Like the Lisa? - Yeah.
- That's very beautiful.
- [Blows Nose Loudly.]
Listen, Mona.
I can help.
Talk to me.
Well, I'm a showgirl down at the Club Ali Bar and my boss is in trouble.
Trouble? What's your boss's name? - Dirty Willy.
- He doesn't bathe? No.
People just call him that.
He's a good man, takes care of us, and all the girls have comprehensive dental.
- Wow.
That's key.
- And this bucket of quarters is all he's got left.
And he told me to give this to Mr.
Dixon.
Okay.
I will get this to Mr.
Dixon.
- Willy knows things, Mr.
Argyle- - Oh, yeah? things that he shouldn't know.
- He needs protection.
- Consider it done, Ms.
Lisa.
- Argyle is on the case.
- [Giggles.]
[Jarod Narrating.]
"Argyle is on the case"- five words to send a chill down your spine.
Argyle embraced the cliche, casting himself in the starring role of a big-time private eye extraordinaire.
Determined to help Mona, he made his way back into the Club Ali Bar and, like a true detective, was looking for clues- anything he could find that would lead him to where or what happened to Dirty Willy.
But he wasn't ready to be a star.
As soon as things got real, Argyle wished he'd taken a bit part.
[Argyle Gasps.]
Dirty Willy.
He'd done the job, solved the case.
He had the killer cornered.
- So Argyle did what Argyle does best.
- [Gasps.]
- He never saw the hit man.
Who could at that speed? - Woah! He was pretty sure the killer didn't see him- pretty sure.
Which brings us back to our pistachio-packin 'porker.
He was wondering the same thing as me.
- Where the hell is Mona? - Well, I -I -I don't know.
She told me she was comin' to see you, Dixon.
And now she's gone? - Did she say where she was goin'? - She hasn't told me anything.
- Did she leave anything? - Look.
Normally, I don't talk to gun-wielding thugs.
Yeah.
Your mama must be real proud of you now, eh, big boy? No.
She'd probably give me a lickin'.
My mama's dead.
Truth is, I'm not a thug.
My name is Mike.
I'm Mona's brother.
- Oh.
Hi, Mike.
- Hi.
[Sighs.]
It just ain't like her not to check in.
Our parents died when we were real little and I made a promise to Mom that I'd take care of Mona.
- I just gotta know if she's okay.
- [Sighs.]
You will.
Just as soon as we find out anything, you'll be the first to know.
- I promise.
Right, partner? - Yeah.
Dick Dixon is on the case, kickin' tail and takin' names.
You are Mr.
Positivi-tivity, the Shah of "I Can.
" Hey, now.
Swell ride.
Like I always say, private dick's gotta have a ragtop.
- You are not going.
- What are you talkin' about? I am not a detective.
You are not my partner.
If I'm going to help, you stay outta my way.
That was extremely hostile.
I can't keep saving your life if you keep lying yourself into a corner.
- You have to think.
- [Engine Starts.]
- Hey! - [Engine Stops.]
- I've been thinkin'.
I was- [Spoken Lyric.]
till I met you.
Now after you helped me and Pop last year, I'm mendin' my wicked ways, you know.
I ain't had nothin' but honest jobs since.
Only thing missin' is the love of my life.
And I met her last week.
- Mona's the one.
- You spent six minutes with her.
Somethin' happened between us, I'm tellin' ya.
It was like "electronical" chemicals or something.
Pheromones, baby, I'm tellin' ya.
And now my future brother-in-law's weepin' in his pistachio.
You gotta let me come with you, J-ster.
You gotta let me help her.
J-Man.
J-Dog.
Please, I'm beggin' ya.
Please, please, please, please, please.
There are certain times in life when you need to think with your heart, not your head.
This wasn't one of those times, but I thought it was, so I made the following mistake.
- Please? - Get in.
Yeah, yeah.
- [Engine Starts.]
- Argyle is on the case.
Come on! How did I get in this nightmare? Well, I-I remember I was watching out for Jarod and you looked at me with bedroom eyes, like you wanted to do the late-night creep.
I did not.
We did not.
Well, how can you be sure, Miss Parker? For starters, pigs aren't flying, hell hasn't frozen over and you're not the last man on earth.
[Rings.]
- What? - How's the stakeout going? Sydney, how are you? I am fine.
Sweeper team says you haven't reported in.
Huh.
Something came up.
I overslept, but- but I was just getting dressed.
I'll be there tomorrow with Lyle and Raines.
Parker, is everything all right? I am rolling nothing but sevens.
[Chuckles.]
[Quietly.]
You so much as hint at this when they arrive I will amputate your head.
- Well, what about this? - There is no "this.
" Nothing happened, Broots.
Like I said, it was a nightmare, and I'm glad I woke up.
When you say things like that, do you even consider my feelings? What is it about me that you find so repulsive? - You really want to know? - Yes.
I really want to know.
Okay.
Now you shut up and listen.
What I find so utterly uninspiring about you is your idea of risk is to go without deodorant.
When the bullets stop flying, you're always the one shaking in the corner.
That, in the game of life, is second string.
And- [Spoken Lyric.]
Hey.
Stop, and let me tell you something, and you- you shut up and listen.
You're right.
I have never taken a risk.
Because the whole time I've known you, I've only wanted to take just one.
Which one would that be? You're in your office.
It's late, and I sneak in.
In one hand I have gardenias, and in the other I have a bottle of single malt- two of your favorite things in the world.
And I find that little spot on the nape of your neck and I just rub it the right way to get rid of that migraine you always get about 6:20 every night- the one you never tell anyone about.
The truth is, if I had just one shot you know what I'd do? I would take your pain away.
Truth is, you'd be lucky to get a scrub like me.
- Do you hear that, Broots? - What? Pigs are flying.
# [Man Singing Slow Jazz.]
[Both Moaning.]
[Miss Parker Squeals, Giggles.]
[Jarod Narrating.]
Life is strange.
One hour in the Nevada sun, and I had more unanswered questions than the Warren Commission.
- # [Continues.]
- There was Dirty Willy's murder to solve and Mona, the missing showgirl, to track down.
But Argyle had to see his father, Benny.
The old man used to be obsessed with the pope.
I was about to find out he converted.
Wayne Newton is more than a holy man.
He is the shaman of the Strip.
He's the duke of downtown.
- Wayne Newton is Las Vegas.
- If you say so.
You know, I met him once, sort of? My Adella and I, uh, saw him in Vegas long ago.
Who'd have thought I'd be back here in Vegas with Argyle livin' in this exquisite golfvilla? [Man, In Distance.]
Fore! - Driving range is open.
- [Man.]
Sorry.
Yeah.
The only one missin' is my Adella.
This week would've been our 50th anniversary.
She was my inspiration, Jarod.
She's the reason I'm writin' a song for Wayne.
- Hey, Pop, we-we don't have time for that.
- Oh, sure we do.
The big "W," he changed our lives so my Adella suggested that I should write him a song sort of a companion piece to "Danke Schoen.
" She said, "Call it 'AufWiedersehen"' and here goes nothing.
# [Introduction.]
# [Ends.]
- Where's the song? - It's still a work in progress.
It'll be ready by tomorrow.
- What's happening tomorrow? - Uh, Wayne is playin' in a charity tournament and he will be right there putting and I will be right here standing- # When I hit him with the razzamatazz # You know, I've never actually played golf, but, um, won't that disturb his game? Oh, yeah.
Well, yeah, but it's worth it for my Adella's last wish, isn't it? It's more than worth it.
- Yeah.
Good.
- And the big "W" will love it, Pop but we gotta get out of here.
We gotta catch ourselves a killer.
- I got me a song to write.
- Catch you later, Pop.
[Jarod Narrating.]
It was nice to see Benny again, but Argyle was right.
We did have a killer to catch.
So we went back to the scene of the crime.
Okay.
Uh, Dirty Willy bought it right about here and I saw the killer standing right over there.
Hey, funny face, this area's off limits, all right? I got top-notch talent makin' their way through here to the most glorious stage in Las Vegas and I can't have you or that thing you call a suit in the way.
- Let me explain.
- No.
There's no explainin' that, and who the hell are you? - My name is Dick Dixon.
- You're Dick Dixon? - Oh! - You slept with my wife, you scumball! - I don't even know your wife.
- Thrifty Suites, number 38.
Ring a bell, pumpkin? Hey, hey, hey, half-pint, this ain't about your old lady givin' room service, all right? - We're tryin' to find Mona Jeffries.
- Yeah, well, I ain't seen her.
What are you gonna do about it, tough guy? [Yelps.]
You see that? There goes my Chivas.
- Where'd you learn how to do that? - I ran a dojo once.
- Now tell us what you know.
- Okay.
I'll tell you what I told the cops, all right? Mona ain't your typical showgirl, all right? She- She won't show her cones, and she saves her dough.
[Yelps.]
- She bought a condo outside of town.
- Where? [Yelps.]
Okay! God! I'll tell ya! Geez! - I got your back, J-Man.
- Oh, that's very comforting.
Either my Mona's real messy, J-Man, or somethin' real bad happened to her.
You can stop right there.
Let's see some I.
D.
- The I.
D.
's out in the car.
My name is Dick Dixon.
- You're Dick Dixon? - Yes.
- You slept with one of our deputies.
She left the force 'cause of you.
I seem to have that effect on people.
- What happened here? - Been a while since you cracked your detective handbook, huh? We got a report ofa disturbance.
Door was jimmied, place had been trashed but her car keys, purse and valuables are still here.
- Mona was leaving? - No.
She was kidnapped.
[Knocking.]
- You gonna get that? - [Knocking Continues.]
Those are the late-night creepers.
- It is the honeymoon suite.
- [Knocking.]
[Door Closes.]
- [Faucet Turns, Water Running.]
- [Martial Arts Grunts.]
[Imitating Elvis.]
Oh, yeah.
Thank you very much.
- Oh, Syd.
You're here early.
[Clears Throat.]
- I thought something was wrong.
- [Water Running Continues.]
- Oh, no.
No.
No.
As a matter of fact, Things are gonna be different from now on.
- [Water Stops.]
- Broots, you are gonna pay for using all the hot water, you moron! You were saying, Broots? Syd, please tell me you're here to relieve me.
Being cooped up with Felix Ungar here makes me glad to see your sorry mug.
Lyle and I are registered at Caesars.
Separate rooms? - Well, separate suites.
- [Scoffs.]
[Sydney.]
Lyle will be here later.
Perhaps we can take over.
Hopefully, I won't have plugged Broots before then.
Call me when he gets here.
- What? - I thought things were gonna be different between us.
There is no "us.
" At least not that they know of.
Could you imagine what they would do if they knew? Right.
Right.
We don't- We don't wanna give them any ammunition, now do we? Speaking of which my clip is empty.
Oh, yeah.
I get it, baby.
But if we're gonna do this- [Whispering.]
we gotta do it right.
I've always had a little fantasy I want to live out with you.
But first I want you to call me "Puff Daddy.
" Say it.
Say it.
- Puff- - [Inhales.]
Daddy.
Oh! [Sighs.]
- # [Soul, Slow.]
- [Man Reciting Introduction On CD Player.]
# [Continues.]
# [Chorus Singing Soul.]
# [Continues.]
# [Saxophone.]
# [Saxophone Continues.]
# [Fades Slowly.]
[Jarod Narrating.]
They say that life is stranger than fiction.
Mine certainly has been, and this was no exception.
Mona was kidnapped, but by whom? Whatever trouble her boss, Dirty Willy, found, it had certainly found her and it was only a matter of time before it found us.
I did what Syndey always taught me: When in doubt, go back to the evidence.
A couple of things just don't make any sense.
According to the autopsy report what killed Dirty Willy was low levels of oxygen in his tissues due to hypothermia- extreme cold.
He froze to death.
In Vegas? And he had several ice pick holes in his hands.
I'm thinkin' torture.
Wait a second, J-Man.
You don't think who's ever doin' this might, you know - poke Mona like that? - Let's hope not.
According to this file, he is the number one suspect: Constantin Falzone- an extortionist for the Posavac crime family.
What other part of your two-plus-two case don't add up to four? [Jarod.]
Dirty Willy weighed over 300 pounds.
Frozen or not, that's a lot of Willy for one man to carry around.
- Wait.
What are you sayin', "J"? - There were two killers who tortured Dirty Willy and froze him to death.
Question is, what did they want out of him? [Exhales.]
That's easy, baby- cash, do-re-mi, J-Man.
Everybody knows Falzone collects around town so maybe Dirty Willy couldn't come up with the green and the twins get P.
O.
'd with him.
- Twins? - Falzone's got these Frigidaires that work for him.
- Calls 'em his caddies.
- Caddies? Why? [Jarod Narrating.]
Falzone- Sin City old-timer.
Doesn't care about shopping malls, pirate ships or the Eiffel Tower in the desert.
He's only interested in cash and a three handicap.
J-Rod, those two goons killed Dirty Willy and kidnapped my Mona.
I say we waste 'em and snag Falzone.
No.
We meet Falzone out there on his own turf.
But you don't know how to play.
It's all geometry and physics.
How hard could that be? [Narrating.]
Sydney always taught me, the most difficult Pretends have an inner secret.
Once you reveal that secret, it comes naturally.
- [Club Hits Bushes.]
- [Bird Squawking.]
[Dog Barks.]
In 56 minutes, I found the secret to a perfect golf game.
I'll share it with you sometime.
The twins were impressed, just like I said.
Falzone wanted to take me on.
- Then I told them I was Dick Dixon.
- [No Audible Dialogue.]
Guess which one's married.
The twins promised to get us to Falzone, which they did.
However, in true Chandleresque fashion, we found out it was with a twist.
Someone else had gotten to him first.
And to think I wasted 56 minutes.
Raymond Chandler always said, "The best way to get a reader's attention is with a dead body.
" But of course, Chandler wasn't writing this one.
[Gasping.]
I got balls! [Splashing.]
I got balls.
Unbe-friggin-lievable.
People actually throw these away.
- And that makes them yours.
- Possession is 9/10ths.
You oughta know.
I hear Dick Dixon steals wives.
And I hear you hang Dirty Willys.
And now you've kidnapped Mona Jeffries.
How come I get the feeling you cheat at golf? If you're not cheating, you're not playing.
- Hey, we want Mona back.
- Who are you- Little Dick? All right.
I'll show you little, ya big freak.
Hey.
Dirty Willy never came up short, so there's no reason to kill him.
As for Mona, a Viagra-poppin' man such as myself can only pray to enjoy a muffin like that in the morning.
All right.
That's it.
You and me gonna throw right now, paisan.
I had it with this mook.
Hey.
I got no beef with Dirty Willy.
I got no beef with you, Dixon.
Mona asked me for help.
She said that Dirty Willy was gettin's queezed by, um, a couple of goons by the name of the Frost Brothers.
- [Together.]
The Frost Brothers? - The Frost Brothers.
Now I got my finger in every casino in this whole town.
I never heard of these guys.
Okay? So that's it.
That's all I know.
All right? Are we done? Are we done? - Let's go.
- Let's go.
Give me my balls.
# [Humming.]
Room service.
I was just talkin' to the manager.
You won't believe what he was telling me.
- And what would that be, Mr.
Broots? - Glad you could join us.
[Raines.]
Centre employees of opposite genders don't room together.
Just show him.
Taken by a security camera at McCarran International Airport.
It's of Jarod heading for the runway.
He skipped town.
Your theory isn't holding.
It's time to go home.
No, but the- the e-mail said that he was gonna be here.
W-We have to stay.
- Broots, it's over.
- No.
I just talked to the manager.
He took a reservation last night under the name of "Jarod Siegel"- as in "Bugsy Siegel," the man who created Vegas.
A reservation doesn't mean he's gonna show.
- We're leaving.
- We're staying.
Did he just ignore us? You wanna barge in here and try and scare me? You go ahead.
But don't question my skills.
I'm not second string anymore.
I do a job, and I do it well.
And if your paranoid minds can't take that, then you can go chase that photo.
Miss Parker and I will catch Jarod.
Enjoy your breakfast.
[Wheels Squeaking.]
You better hope we catch Jarod, or we're through.
- You mean us? - I mean our necks.
[Jarod Narrating.]
As Argyle and I drove back to Benny's we knew that without the mysterious Frost Brothers, there was no Mona and no dream for Argyle.
But Argyle 's dream wasn't the only one in jeopardy.
- Oh, those bastards.
Bastards, all of them! - Benny, what happened? There I am.
I am standing there in the bunker.
I am halfway into my "overature," and they grab me.
- Wayne's bodyguards.
- Oh, bite your tongue.
Wayne's people would never do that with a rake.
Ah, it was those lowlifes that work for the other half of Wayne's threesome- those "mugicians" with the big hair? It's a good thing they didn't bring their tigers, boy.
- Whew.
- So Wayne never heard your song? No.
And I know he would've loved it.
He would've loved it.
Of course he would have.
- What's the matter with him? - We haven't found Mona yet.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
It's always a girl, isn't it? Let me let you in on a little tiny secret.
He's just exactly like me.
- No.
- Oh, yes.
I was wild.
I was unchecked until my Adella tamed me.
I still remember that trip to Vegas.
We wanted to get away from it all.
Dr.
Kanapa had told us that we wouldn't be able to have a family and I know it was really tough for her.
But my Adella- God, she looked so beautiful the night we went to see Wayne.
Ya never saw a polka dot dress like that in your life.
Well, big Wayne- he picks her out of the whole crowd and he sang "Danke Schoen" right to her.
- It was- - Like a dream.
Yeah.
That night, Adella came back to the motor court all giddy from Wayne's show, you know? And we drove the cattle across the prairie all night long, if you catch my meaning and we were blessed.
- You conceived Argyle.
- Rolled a hard eight.
[Chuckles.]
- [Benny.]
So now, when I see him goin'through all this- - [Dog Whimpers.]
I think, "Where would I be today if it weren't for my Adella?" She was your Mona.
[Sighs.]
Jarod ya gotta find that girl for my boy.
[Dog Whimpers.]
[Jarod Narrating.]
It seems everybody who met Mona wanted her: Argyle, her brother, Falzone.
It got my detective gears spinning.
Look, buddy boy.
I followed her home once- okay, twice.
Nick had known everything about Mona: where she lived, how she saved her money.
Maybe he knew who the Frost Brothers were.
- But I swear, I never heard of the Frost Brothers.
- It was almost a dead end.
- Almost.
- Dixon.
Deputy Wyatt hadn't punched me the first time we met.
Guess he figured I was due.
- Oh, this is gettin' really old.
- You tryin' to destroy three months of real police work? - We almost got Falzone for extortion.
- So get him.
After you talked to him? You of all people should know there's only one way to do things in this town: the Vegas way.
What about the Frost Brothers way? - What's that place got to do with anything? - Place? - Place? - Place? Place.
It's an abandoned meat-packing plant outside town.
So what? [Dog Barking, Whimpers.]
Mona? Mona? [Whimpering, Barks.]
Mona? Mona! Mona! - Mona.
- I didn't think you'd come.
- Oh, you're so cold.
L-Let's get you out of here.
- Argyle, these two guys- They had masks on.
They grabbed me.
They've been trying to get me to tell them what Dirty Willy told me.
But I can't tell them that secret, 'cause I can't do that to Willy.
- Well, you could tel I us the secret, Mona.
- Tell us later.
We have to get out of here right now.
Yeah.
We need to get you back to your brother.
Brother? I don't have a brother.
- Sure you do.
Two of'em.
- [Barks.]
- [Dog Growling.]
- Argyle, say hello to the Frost Brothers.
[Continues Growling.]
[Jarod Narrating.]
It was a case to make Ray Chandler proud.
Let's review.
Our two sheriff deputies, Wyatt and Mike they killed Dirty Willy- tortured him, froze him, hung him.
But what did they want out of him? Money? Do-re-mi? - You won't be surprised if I tell you the answer is no.
- [Whimpers.]
Dirty Willy had one dirty little secret left and these guys were trying to get it out of Mona and us.
- It's been eight hours.
Start talking.
- I got nothin' to say.
You just don't get it, do you, Dixon? We do things the Vegas way.
Now, Mona's brother here is gonna drive her into the desert.
If he doesn't hear from me in 30, she's gone, and I ice the two of you.
- Oh, and I keep the dog.
- [Growling Continues.]
Don't give 'em anything, Argyle.
Not one quarter! - [Barking.]
- Ah, put a sock in it, Dog.
That was a strange thing to say.
Yeah, right- especially since dogs don't wear socks.
Not Dog.
Mona.
She said, "not a quarter.
" "Don't give them one quarter.
" Well, J-Man, Mona left a bucket full of quarters in Dick Dixon's office.
Dirty Willy's secret.
Whatever he was tryin' to protect must have been in that bucket.
- Wyatt! - Hey, what the hell are you doin'? I'm gonna give him what he wants.
Wyatt! - There it is.
- [Beeps.]
[Wyatt On Tape.]
Look, Willy.
If you pay us what we need we won't need to get rough with you.
[Beeps.]
Falzone wasn't extorting money from Willy and his club.
You were.
And the dirty fat boy recorded me doin' it.
- All the time you just wanted that tape, it was right there.
- Nice work, detectives.
Willy was just tryin' to get that tape to Dick Dixon.
So now you got it.
Call your deputy and let Mona go.
Poor Willy didn't even know that Dick Dixon had skipped town.
Wait a second.
You're not Dick Dixon? - No.
- [Slot Machine Bell Ringing.]
- [Ice Pick Tapping On Desk.]
- Loser.
[Tapping Continues.]
[Groaning.]
Oh, hi, there.
- Let me outta this.
- Uh-uh.
- You know, you should be protecting people- - [Slot Machine Clicking.]
not extorting from them.
But I guess that's what they call the "Vegas way," right? - Oh, yeah.
- Well, we've already tried that.
- Let's try the Jarod way.
- No! No! No! - You're totally whacked.
- You don't know the half of it.
- You're going to make a call.
You're going to let Mona go.
- I don't think so.
- Loser.
- [Sighs.]
- [Wyatt Yelps.]
- Oh.
Ooh, that's harder than golf.
- You're outta your mind.
- Make the call.
- No.
- Uh, loser.
- Last chance.
- [Breathing Heavily.]
- Loser.
- Okay.
- Fore! - [Jarod Narrating.]
Wyatt finally made the call.
And so did I- to the F.
.
B.
I.
When they arrived at the office, they found a killer waiting for them along with the evidence to convict him- all courtesy of the mysterious Richard W.
Dixon.
But the story isn't over.
I still have one more job to do.
Anything? Nothing.
Which is what we're gonna be when we get back to the Centre.
It was fun while it lasted- [Whispering.]
Puff Daddy.
[Faucet Turns, Water Running.]
Miss- Hoo.
I guess I'm not a scrub anymore.
I hope you like Renewal Wing, 'cause I'm gettin' you a gift certificate.
The Centre reeducators can wipe this entire weekend from your brain.
[Jarod.]
Well, you better tell them that Broots caught me.
[Chuckles.]
Don't have to.
We're a team, aren't we Dr.
Funkenstein? Well, that all depends on one thing, baby.
Am I your Puff Daddy? [Sighs.]
Oh, yeah, baby.
And I wanna get funked up.
Oh, I have to watch? You get to watch.
[Both Giggle.]
I'll tell you what, Mr.
Funkadelic.
If we're gonna do this, let's do it right.
It's my turn to live out a fantasy.
- Bald men have always driven me crazy.
- [Broots Chuckles.]
- # [Chorus Singing Slow Soul.]
- And it takes more than one to really satisfy me.
- Mr.
Wiggles, get in here! - # [Continues.]
[Wheels Squeaking.]
[Spoken Lyric.]
# [Continues.]
No.
Miss Parker, what about us? [Spoken Lyric.]
No.
No.
No.
No.
No! What the- Ah! Mr.
Wiggles.
[Sputters.]
Ow.
I told you not to fall asleep.
- I was asleep? - Yeah.
- The whole time? - Yes, Rip Van Winkle.
You were makin' some weird noises too.
And by the way, what exactly is a "Puff Daddy"? [Jarod Narrating.]
Like I said, I have one more thing to do.
But it isn't this dream.
- It's somebody else's.
- [Strains.]
- Can I help you with that? - Why, I- - [Chuckling.]
- Oh, God.
Oh, God.
If you knew, sir, how much I've wanted to meet- This is an honor, sir.
- This is an honor.
- Listen.
Third row, polka dot dress.
- Sir? - Adella.
- She was wearin' a polka dot dress.
- You are a god.
[Chuckles.]
Listen.
I understand there's something you'd like me to hear.
- Well, as a matter of fact, uh, you probably wouldn't wanna- - # [Accordion: Stray Notes.]
- You know- - I'd love to.
- You would? - I would.
- Yeah? [Chuckles.]
- # [Stray Notes.]
Okay.
Here we go.
# [Swing Introduction.]
# AufWiedersehen, baby # # AufWiedersehen # # It means good-bye, my baby# # I don't know why I feel this pain # # It's not my goiter # # But let's reconnoiter # # So even though I'm on that far-off desert in Morocco # - # I'm feelin' rocko, but I wanna do this refrain # - [Howls.]
# AufWiedersehen # - # AufWiedersehen ## - # [Ends.]
- [Laughing.]
- [Jarod, Argyle.]
Whoo! Well, that was unmistakablyyou.
- That's just the first verse.
There's more to come.
- I cannot wait.
Uh, listen.
I wanna see you all tonight at my show.
You'll be my guest.
I'll leave your names at the front door.
And by the way, I want you to know that Adella was my inspiration too.
- Oh, thank you, sir.
Thank you.
- See you.
See you tonight.
[Benny.]
What a guy.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
That could be the worst song I've ever heard.
- I know.
But to him it was a dream come true.
- [Chuckles.]
Guess they mean a lot to you, huh? - He listened.
He liked it.
- [Argyle.]
Standing room only, Pop.
Speaking of a lot, thank you for that donation.
It was for a good cause.
You know, I don't think I ever got your name.
Well, everyone in town calls me Dick Dixon.
- You're Dick Dixon? - Yes.
- [Impact.]
- [Body Hitting Ground.]
[Clears Throat.]
Well, hit this instead: single malt, like you asked for.
And you're forgetting something.
Jarod didn't lead us here.
His friend told him to stay here in an e-mail I intercepted.
- He's been compromised this time, and he's gonna walk right into our hands.
- My hands.
- Now go to your room.
- Oh, this is my room.
Our room.
This is the honeymoon suite.
- Not even after four of these.
- Oh, no, no.
Miss Parker, it's perfect.
Why do you think Sydney and Lyle are coming tomorrow? If Jarod came here and he saw a woman and three men on the register, well, he'd- he'd know we're here.
This way, if- if you and I pretend to be the honeymoon couple, well, he'd be none the wiser.
- This was your idea.
- Yeah.
I mean, it's a good one, isn't it? Nobody'd believe you and Syd.
He's- He's middle-aged, and he's Flemish.
And you, you're young and- unless you think that you'd rather room with Lyle.
Centre's a sick place but- but your own brother? Relax, Romeo.
That's as far as I go.
Take first watch.
Anybody pulls into that parking lot, send up a flare.
- Okay.
- Broots? Fall asleep, it'll be a hell of a wedding night.
[No Audible Music.]
[Bird Chirping In Distance.]
[Sighs.]
[Murmurs, Clears Throat.]
- [Gasps.]
- [Sighs.]
[Jarod Narrating.]
Welcome to Sin City- Las Vegas, Nevada.
A Pretender could win big here- some other Pretender.
I've been rolling nothing but snake eyes.
I should be having some fun in the sun, and all I got is frostbite.
- They say luck is a lady.
That must be good luck.
- [Shivering.]
- Bad luck is definitely a man, and he dresses funny.
- [Teeth Chattering.]
Argyle tried to sell me to the Centre a couple of years back.
Last year he almost got me killed.
- [Sneezes.]
- Why should this year be any different? - [Whimpers.]
- Some days it doesn't pay to answer your e-mail.
[Man Narrating.]
There are Pretenders among us.
[Jarod.]
I was taken from my family.
Thirty-six hours and he's already demonstrating more talent than any of our others.
How many people died because of what I thought up? Since I broke out, I've spent every moment searching for my past.
[Miss Parker.]
He's a Pretender- A genius who can become anyone that he wants to be.
- The Centre wants him alive.
- Preferably.
- [Miss Parker.]
He defends the weak and abused.
- [Jarod.]
Life's a gift.
- You a doctor? - I am today.
[Jarod Narrating.]
Look at me.
Some genius.
I wish I could pretend myself into some longjohns.
But in my own defense, this all started when Argyle decided to become a Pretender.
As usual, his mouth was writing checks his brain couldn't cash.
Hello? Hello? Ha! Prepare to die, you mamaluke.
Ow! Ooh! Ah! Hey! Hey! [Grunts.]
- J-Man! You made it.
- Argyle, what are you doing? I'm sorry, J-Dog.
You saw the door.
This is a dangerous business.
And when you're the mac daddy of private dicks the flyin' monkeys- all they wanna do is put you on the night train to Emerald City.
You're lucky you didn't get your ticket punched, Richard Dixon, private investigator.
- Oh, no.
I ain't Dick Dixon.
I'm his partner.
- So why did you e-mail me? Why don't you get him to help you? Oh.
Well, you see, this ain't Double "D's" kind of gig.
This is what we in the industry call a "multifacetal" type thing.
See, there's a lot of cross-purposing entities, multicultural purposes, you know- all of that and what not.
- Good-bye, Argyle.
- No, no, no! Wait! J-Dog.
J-Dog.
You can't leave me.
You can't leave.
You're all I got, man.
I'm in trouble, Jarod.
Please.
[Jarod Narrating.]
Raymond Chandler hada secret for writing detective stories.
"When in doubt," he said, "have somebody enter the room with a gun.
" Okay, it's an ice-cream cone.
But it was pistachio and I'm allergic to pistachios.
- You Dick Dixon? - Me? No.
I'm his partner.
That's Dick Dixon.
- Oh! Ow! - Think that hurt? Taste this.
[Jarod Narrating.]
Let's call this story "Death by Double Dip.
" Now, our pistachio-packing friend will have to wait since the Pretender is now Dick Dixon, private eye.
Let me give you the skinny.
Argyle's new job was another epic work of fiction.
Dick Dixon isn't even around anymore.
He skipped town last year buried in debt.
Argyle had only become his partner a week earlier.
He was working the building as a "hospitality technician.
" And that's what he called it.
I call it "janitor.
" He happened to be scrubbing Dick Dixon's abandoned office when she walked in.
I'm looking for Dick? Excuse me? - You know- Dick.
- Dick? - Dick Dixon? - Oh.
Oh.
Dick Dixon.
Uh, yeah.
Um, no.
He's gone.
- Gone? - Yeah.
He took the slow boat to China.
[Spoken Lyric.]
that kind of thing.
- Do you work for him? - Do I work for him? - Yeah.
- Do I work for him? I am his nom de plume.
I'm his coup de grace.
I am his comrade-in-arms, you know what I'm sayin'? - I am his partner, for Pete's sake.
- Um, you do his dirty work? That's funny.
This mop- you see- I'm undercover.
I'm what we in the industry call the "clandestinal" partner.
Whatever Dick wants, Argyle gets Dick.
"Argyle.
" That's an interesting name.
Yeah.
My parents gave it to me on account of my birthmark.
Hey, would you like to see my birthmark? - No.
- Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
I- - [Sobs.]
- I get that a lot.
Please don't cry.
I hate to see a girl cry.
Here.
Take this.
There you go.
That's all right.
- Say, what's your name? - Mona.
- Like the Lisa? - Yeah.
- That's very beautiful.
- [Blows Nose Loudly.]
Listen, Mona.
I can help.
Talk to me.
Well, I'm a showgirl down at the Club Ali Bar and my boss is in trouble.
Trouble? What's your boss's name? - Dirty Willy.
- He doesn't bathe? No.
People just call him that.
He's a good man, takes care of us, and all the girls have comprehensive dental.
- Wow.
That's key.
- And this bucket of quarters is all he's got left.
And he told me to give this to Mr.
Dixon.
Okay.
I will get this to Mr.
Dixon.
- Willy knows things, Mr.
Argyle- - Oh, yeah? things that he shouldn't know.
- He needs protection.
- Consider it done, Ms.
Lisa.
- Argyle is on the case.
- [Giggles.]
[Jarod Narrating.]
"Argyle is on the case"- five words to send a chill down your spine.
Argyle embraced the cliche, casting himself in the starring role of a big-time private eye extraordinaire.
Determined to help Mona, he made his way back into the Club Ali Bar and, like a true detective, was looking for clues- anything he could find that would lead him to where or what happened to Dirty Willy.
But he wasn't ready to be a star.
As soon as things got real, Argyle wished he'd taken a bit part.
[Argyle Gasps.]
Dirty Willy.
He'd done the job, solved the case.
He had the killer cornered.
- So Argyle did what Argyle does best.
- [Gasps.]
- He never saw the hit man.
Who could at that speed? - Woah! He was pretty sure the killer didn't see him- pretty sure.
Which brings us back to our pistachio-packin 'porker.
He was wondering the same thing as me.
- Where the hell is Mona? - Well, I -I -I don't know.
She told me she was comin' to see you, Dixon.
And now she's gone? - Did she say where she was goin'? - She hasn't told me anything.
- Did she leave anything? - Look.
Normally, I don't talk to gun-wielding thugs.
Yeah.
Your mama must be real proud of you now, eh, big boy? No.
She'd probably give me a lickin'.
My mama's dead.
Truth is, I'm not a thug.
My name is Mike.
I'm Mona's brother.
- Oh.
Hi, Mike.
- Hi.
[Sighs.]
It just ain't like her not to check in.
Our parents died when we were real little and I made a promise to Mom that I'd take care of Mona.
- I just gotta know if she's okay.
- [Sighs.]
You will.
Just as soon as we find out anything, you'll be the first to know.
- I promise.
Right, partner? - Yeah.
Dick Dixon is on the case, kickin' tail and takin' names.
You are Mr.
Positivi-tivity, the Shah of "I Can.
" Hey, now.
Swell ride.
Like I always say, private dick's gotta have a ragtop.
- You are not going.
- What are you talkin' about? I am not a detective.
You are not my partner.
If I'm going to help, you stay outta my way.
That was extremely hostile.
I can't keep saving your life if you keep lying yourself into a corner.
- You have to think.
- [Engine Starts.]
- Hey! - [Engine Stops.]
- I've been thinkin'.
I was- [Spoken Lyric.]
till I met you.
Now after you helped me and Pop last year, I'm mendin' my wicked ways, you know.
I ain't had nothin' but honest jobs since.
Only thing missin' is the love of my life.
And I met her last week.
- Mona's the one.
- You spent six minutes with her.
Somethin' happened between us, I'm tellin' ya.
It was like "electronical" chemicals or something.
Pheromones, baby, I'm tellin' ya.
And now my future brother-in-law's weepin' in his pistachio.
You gotta let me come with you, J-ster.
You gotta let me help her.
J-Man.
J-Dog.
Please, I'm beggin' ya.
Please, please, please, please, please.
There are certain times in life when you need to think with your heart, not your head.
This wasn't one of those times, but I thought it was, so I made the following mistake.
- Please? - Get in.
Yeah, yeah.
- [Engine Starts.]
- Argyle is on the case.
Come on! How did I get in this nightmare? Well, I-I remember I was watching out for Jarod and you looked at me with bedroom eyes, like you wanted to do the late-night creep.
I did not.
We did not.
Well, how can you be sure, Miss Parker? For starters, pigs aren't flying, hell hasn't frozen over and you're not the last man on earth.
[Rings.]
- What? - How's the stakeout going? Sydney, how are you? I am fine.
Sweeper team says you haven't reported in.
Huh.
Something came up.
I overslept, but- but I was just getting dressed.
I'll be there tomorrow with Lyle and Raines.
Parker, is everything all right? I am rolling nothing but sevens.
[Chuckles.]
[Quietly.]
You so much as hint at this when they arrive I will amputate your head.
- Well, what about this? - There is no "this.
" Nothing happened, Broots.
Like I said, it was a nightmare, and I'm glad I woke up.
When you say things like that, do you even consider my feelings? What is it about me that you find so repulsive? - You really want to know? - Yes.
I really want to know.
Okay.
Now you shut up and listen.
What I find so utterly uninspiring about you is your idea of risk is to go without deodorant.
When the bullets stop flying, you're always the one shaking in the corner.
That, in the game of life, is second string.
And- [Spoken Lyric.]
Hey.
Stop, and let me tell you something, and you- you shut up and listen.
You're right.
I have never taken a risk.
Because the whole time I've known you, I've only wanted to take just one.
Which one would that be? You're in your office.
It's late, and I sneak in.
In one hand I have gardenias, and in the other I have a bottle of single malt- two of your favorite things in the world.
And I find that little spot on the nape of your neck and I just rub it the right way to get rid of that migraine you always get about 6:20 every night- the one you never tell anyone about.
The truth is, if I had just one shot you know what I'd do? I would take your pain away.
Truth is, you'd be lucky to get a scrub like me.
- Do you hear that, Broots? - What? Pigs are flying.
# [Man Singing Slow Jazz.]
[Both Moaning.]
[Miss Parker Squeals, Giggles.]
[Jarod Narrating.]
Life is strange.
One hour in the Nevada sun, and I had more unanswered questions than the Warren Commission.
- # [Continues.]
- There was Dirty Willy's murder to solve and Mona, the missing showgirl, to track down.
But Argyle had to see his father, Benny.
The old man used to be obsessed with the pope.
I was about to find out he converted.
Wayne Newton is more than a holy man.
He is the shaman of the Strip.
He's the duke of downtown.
- Wayne Newton is Las Vegas.
- If you say so.
You know, I met him once, sort of? My Adella and I, uh, saw him in Vegas long ago.
Who'd have thought I'd be back here in Vegas with Argyle livin' in this exquisite golfvilla? [Man, In Distance.]
Fore! - Driving range is open.
- [Man.]
Sorry.
Yeah.
The only one missin' is my Adella.
This week would've been our 50th anniversary.
She was my inspiration, Jarod.
She's the reason I'm writin' a song for Wayne.
- Hey, Pop, we-we don't have time for that.
- Oh, sure we do.
The big "W," he changed our lives so my Adella suggested that I should write him a song sort of a companion piece to "Danke Schoen.
" She said, "Call it 'AufWiedersehen"' and here goes nothing.
# [Introduction.]
# [Ends.]
- Where's the song? - It's still a work in progress.
It'll be ready by tomorrow.
- What's happening tomorrow? - Uh, Wayne is playin' in a charity tournament and he will be right there putting and I will be right here standing- # When I hit him with the razzamatazz # You know, I've never actually played golf, but, um, won't that disturb his game? Oh, yeah.
Well, yeah, but it's worth it for my Adella's last wish, isn't it? It's more than worth it.
- Yeah.
Good.
- And the big "W" will love it, Pop but we gotta get out of here.
We gotta catch ourselves a killer.
- I got me a song to write.
- Catch you later, Pop.
[Jarod Narrating.]
It was nice to see Benny again, but Argyle was right.
We did have a killer to catch.
So we went back to the scene of the crime.
Okay.
Uh, Dirty Willy bought it right about here and I saw the killer standing right over there.
Hey, funny face, this area's off limits, all right? I got top-notch talent makin' their way through here to the most glorious stage in Las Vegas and I can't have you or that thing you call a suit in the way.
- Let me explain.
- No.
There's no explainin' that, and who the hell are you? - My name is Dick Dixon.
- You're Dick Dixon? - Oh! - You slept with my wife, you scumball! - I don't even know your wife.
- Thrifty Suites, number 38.
Ring a bell, pumpkin? Hey, hey, hey, half-pint, this ain't about your old lady givin' room service, all right? - We're tryin' to find Mona Jeffries.
- Yeah, well, I ain't seen her.
What are you gonna do about it, tough guy? [Yelps.]
You see that? There goes my Chivas.
- Where'd you learn how to do that? - I ran a dojo once.
- Now tell us what you know.
- Okay.
I'll tell you what I told the cops, all right? Mona ain't your typical showgirl, all right? She- She won't show her cones, and she saves her dough.
[Yelps.]
- She bought a condo outside of town.
- Where? [Yelps.]
Okay! God! I'll tell ya! Geez! - I got your back, J-Man.
- Oh, that's very comforting.
Either my Mona's real messy, J-Man, or somethin' real bad happened to her.
You can stop right there.
Let's see some I.
D.
- The I.
D.
's out in the car.
My name is Dick Dixon.
- You're Dick Dixon? - Yes.
- You slept with one of our deputies.
She left the force 'cause of you.
I seem to have that effect on people.
- What happened here? - Been a while since you cracked your detective handbook, huh? We got a report ofa disturbance.
Door was jimmied, place had been trashed but her car keys, purse and valuables are still here.
- Mona was leaving? - No.
She was kidnapped.
[Knocking.]
- You gonna get that? - [Knocking Continues.]
Those are the late-night creepers.
- It is the honeymoon suite.
- [Knocking.]
[Door Closes.]
- [Faucet Turns, Water Running.]
- [Martial Arts Grunts.]
[Imitating Elvis.]
Oh, yeah.
Thank you very much.
- Oh, Syd.
You're here early.
[Clears Throat.]
- I thought something was wrong.
- [Water Running Continues.]
- Oh, no.
No.
No.
As a matter of fact, Things are gonna be different from now on.
- [Water Stops.]
- Broots, you are gonna pay for using all the hot water, you moron! You were saying, Broots? Syd, please tell me you're here to relieve me.
Being cooped up with Felix Ungar here makes me glad to see your sorry mug.
Lyle and I are registered at Caesars.
Separate rooms? - Well, separate suites.
- [Scoffs.]
[Sydney.]
Lyle will be here later.
Perhaps we can take over.
Hopefully, I won't have plugged Broots before then.
Call me when he gets here.
- What? - I thought things were gonna be different between us.
There is no "us.
" At least not that they know of.
Could you imagine what they would do if they knew? Right.
Right.
We don't- We don't wanna give them any ammunition, now do we? Speaking of which my clip is empty.
Oh, yeah.
I get it, baby.
But if we're gonna do this- [Whispering.]
we gotta do it right.
I've always had a little fantasy I want to live out with you.
But first I want you to call me "Puff Daddy.
" Say it.
Say it.
- Puff- - [Inhales.]
Daddy.
Oh! [Sighs.]
- # [Soul, Slow.]
- [Man Reciting Introduction On CD Player.]
# [Continues.]
# [Chorus Singing Soul.]
# [Continues.]
# [Saxophone.]
# [Saxophone Continues.]
# [Fades Slowly.]
[Jarod Narrating.]
They say that life is stranger than fiction.
Mine certainly has been, and this was no exception.
Mona was kidnapped, but by whom? Whatever trouble her boss, Dirty Willy, found, it had certainly found her and it was only a matter of time before it found us.
I did what Syndey always taught me: When in doubt, go back to the evidence.
A couple of things just don't make any sense.
According to the autopsy report what killed Dirty Willy was low levels of oxygen in his tissues due to hypothermia- extreme cold.
He froze to death.
In Vegas? And he had several ice pick holes in his hands.
I'm thinkin' torture.
Wait a second, J-Man.
You don't think who's ever doin' this might, you know - poke Mona like that? - Let's hope not.
According to this file, he is the number one suspect: Constantin Falzone- an extortionist for the Posavac crime family.
What other part of your two-plus-two case don't add up to four? [Jarod.]
Dirty Willy weighed over 300 pounds.
Frozen or not, that's a lot of Willy for one man to carry around.
- Wait.
What are you sayin', "J"? - There were two killers who tortured Dirty Willy and froze him to death.
Question is, what did they want out of him? [Exhales.]
That's easy, baby- cash, do-re-mi, J-Man.
Everybody knows Falzone collects around town so maybe Dirty Willy couldn't come up with the green and the twins get P.
O.
'd with him.
- Twins? - Falzone's got these Frigidaires that work for him.
- Calls 'em his caddies.
- Caddies? Why? [Jarod Narrating.]
Falzone- Sin City old-timer.
Doesn't care about shopping malls, pirate ships or the Eiffel Tower in the desert.
He's only interested in cash and a three handicap.
J-Rod, those two goons killed Dirty Willy and kidnapped my Mona.
I say we waste 'em and snag Falzone.
No.
We meet Falzone out there on his own turf.
But you don't know how to play.
It's all geometry and physics.
How hard could that be? [Narrating.]
Sydney always taught me, the most difficult Pretends have an inner secret.
Once you reveal that secret, it comes naturally.
- [Club Hits Bushes.]
- [Bird Squawking.]
[Dog Barks.]
In 56 minutes, I found the secret to a perfect golf game.
I'll share it with you sometime.
The twins were impressed, just like I said.
Falzone wanted to take me on.
- Then I told them I was Dick Dixon.
- [No Audible Dialogue.]
Guess which one's married.
The twins promised to get us to Falzone, which they did.
However, in true Chandleresque fashion, we found out it was with a twist.
Someone else had gotten to him first.
And to think I wasted 56 minutes.
Raymond Chandler always said, "The best way to get a reader's attention is with a dead body.
" But of course, Chandler wasn't writing this one.
[Gasping.]
I got balls! [Splashing.]
I got balls.
Unbe-friggin-lievable.
People actually throw these away.
- And that makes them yours.
- Possession is 9/10ths.
You oughta know.
I hear Dick Dixon steals wives.
And I hear you hang Dirty Willys.
And now you've kidnapped Mona Jeffries.
How come I get the feeling you cheat at golf? If you're not cheating, you're not playing.
- Hey, we want Mona back.
- Who are you- Little Dick? All right.
I'll show you little, ya big freak.
Hey.
Dirty Willy never came up short, so there's no reason to kill him.
As for Mona, a Viagra-poppin' man such as myself can only pray to enjoy a muffin like that in the morning.
All right.
That's it.
You and me gonna throw right now, paisan.
I had it with this mook.
Hey.
I got no beef with Dirty Willy.
I got no beef with you, Dixon.
Mona asked me for help.
She said that Dirty Willy was gettin's queezed by, um, a couple of goons by the name of the Frost Brothers.
- [Together.]
The Frost Brothers? - The Frost Brothers.
Now I got my finger in every casino in this whole town.
I never heard of these guys.
Okay? So that's it.
That's all I know.
All right? Are we done? Are we done? - Let's go.
- Let's go.
Give me my balls.
# [Humming.]
Room service.
I was just talkin' to the manager.
You won't believe what he was telling me.
- And what would that be, Mr.
Broots? - Glad you could join us.
[Raines.]
Centre employees of opposite genders don't room together.
Just show him.
Taken by a security camera at McCarran International Airport.
It's of Jarod heading for the runway.
He skipped town.
Your theory isn't holding.
It's time to go home.
No, but the- the e-mail said that he was gonna be here.
W-We have to stay.
- Broots, it's over.
- No.
I just talked to the manager.
He took a reservation last night under the name of "Jarod Siegel"- as in "Bugsy Siegel," the man who created Vegas.
A reservation doesn't mean he's gonna show.
- We're leaving.
- We're staying.
Did he just ignore us? You wanna barge in here and try and scare me? You go ahead.
But don't question my skills.
I'm not second string anymore.
I do a job, and I do it well.
And if your paranoid minds can't take that, then you can go chase that photo.
Miss Parker and I will catch Jarod.
Enjoy your breakfast.
[Wheels Squeaking.]
You better hope we catch Jarod, or we're through.
- You mean us? - I mean our necks.
[Jarod Narrating.]
As Argyle and I drove back to Benny's we knew that without the mysterious Frost Brothers, there was no Mona and no dream for Argyle.
But Argyle 's dream wasn't the only one in jeopardy.
- Oh, those bastards.
Bastards, all of them! - Benny, what happened? There I am.
I am standing there in the bunker.
I am halfway into my "overature," and they grab me.
- Wayne's bodyguards.
- Oh, bite your tongue.
Wayne's people would never do that with a rake.
Ah, it was those lowlifes that work for the other half of Wayne's threesome- those "mugicians" with the big hair? It's a good thing they didn't bring their tigers, boy.
- Whew.
- So Wayne never heard your song? No.
And I know he would've loved it.
He would've loved it.
Of course he would have.
- What's the matter with him? - We haven't found Mona yet.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
It's always a girl, isn't it? Let me let you in on a little tiny secret.
He's just exactly like me.
- No.
- Oh, yes.
I was wild.
I was unchecked until my Adella tamed me.
I still remember that trip to Vegas.
We wanted to get away from it all.
Dr.
Kanapa had told us that we wouldn't be able to have a family and I know it was really tough for her.
But my Adella- God, she looked so beautiful the night we went to see Wayne.
Ya never saw a polka dot dress like that in your life.
Well, big Wayne- he picks her out of the whole crowd and he sang "Danke Schoen" right to her.
- It was- - Like a dream.
Yeah.
That night, Adella came back to the motor court all giddy from Wayne's show, you know? And we drove the cattle across the prairie all night long, if you catch my meaning and we were blessed.
- You conceived Argyle.
- Rolled a hard eight.
[Chuckles.]
- [Benny.]
So now, when I see him goin'through all this- - [Dog Whimpers.]
I think, "Where would I be today if it weren't for my Adella?" She was your Mona.
[Sighs.]
Jarod ya gotta find that girl for my boy.
[Dog Whimpers.]
[Jarod Narrating.]
It seems everybody who met Mona wanted her: Argyle, her brother, Falzone.
It got my detective gears spinning.
Look, buddy boy.
I followed her home once- okay, twice.
Nick had known everything about Mona: where she lived, how she saved her money.
Maybe he knew who the Frost Brothers were.
- But I swear, I never heard of the Frost Brothers.
- It was almost a dead end.
- Almost.
- Dixon.
Deputy Wyatt hadn't punched me the first time we met.
Guess he figured I was due.
- Oh, this is gettin' really old.
- You tryin' to destroy three months of real police work? - We almost got Falzone for extortion.
- So get him.
After you talked to him? You of all people should know there's only one way to do things in this town: the Vegas way.
What about the Frost Brothers way? - What's that place got to do with anything? - Place? - Place? - Place? Place.
It's an abandoned meat-packing plant outside town.
So what? [Dog Barking, Whimpers.]
Mona? Mona? [Whimpering, Barks.]
Mona? Mona! Mona! - Mona.
- I didn't think you'd come.
- Oh, you're so cold.
L-Let's get you out of here.
- Argyle, these two guys- They had masks on.
They grabbed me.
They've been trying to get me to tell them what Dirty Willy told me.
But I can't tell them that secret, 'cause I can't do that to Willy.
- Well, you could tel I us the secret, Mona.
- Tell us later.
We have to get out of here right now.
Yeah.
We need to get you back to your brother.
Brother? I don't have a brother.
- Sure you do.
Two of'em.
- [Barks.]
- [Dog Growling.]
- Argyle, say hello to the Frost Brothers.
[Continues Growling.]
[Jarod Narrating.]
It was a case to make Ray Chandler proud.
Let's review.
Our two sheriff deputies, Wyatt and Mike they killed Dirty Willy- tortured him, froze him, hung him.
But what did they want out of him? Money? Do-re-mi? - You won't be surprised if I tell you the answer is no.
- [Whimpers.]
Dirty Willy had one dirty little secret left and these guys were trying to get it out of Mona and us.
- It's been eight hours.
Start talking.
- I got nothin' to say.
You just don't get it, do you, Dixon? We do things the Vegas way.
Now, Mona's brother here is gonna drive her into the desert.
If he doesn't hear from me in 30, she's gone, and I ice the two of you.
- Oh, and I keep the dog.
- [Growling Continues.]
Don't give 'em anything, Argyle.
Not one quarter! - [Barking.]
- Ah, put a sock in it, Dog.
That was a strange thing to say.
Yeah, right- especially since dogs don't wear socks.
Not Dog.
Mona.
She said, "not a quarter.
" "Don't give them one quarter.
" Well, J-Man, Mona left a bucket full of quarters in Dick Dixon's office.
Dirty Willy's secret.
Whatever he was tryin' to protect must have been in that bucket.
- Wyatt! - Hey, what the hell are you doin'? I'm gonna give him what he wants.
Wyatt! - There it is.
- [Beeps.]
[Wyatt On Tape.]
Look, Willy.
If you pay us what we need we won't need to get rough with you.
[Beeps.]
Falzone wasn't extorting money from Willy and his club.
You were.
And the dirty fat boy recorded me doin' it.
- All the time you just wanted that tape, it was right there.
- Nice work, detectives.
Willy was just tryin' to get that tape to Dick Dixon.
So now you got it.
Call your deputy and let Mona go.
Poor Willy didn't even know that Dick Dixon had skipped town.
Wait a second.
You're not Dick Dixon? - No.
- [Slot Machine Bell Ringing.]
- [Ice Pick Tapping On Desk.]
- Loser.
[Tapping Continues.]
[Groaning.]
Oh, hi, there.
- Let me outta this.
- Uh-uh.
- You know, you should be protecting people- - [Slot Machine Clicking.]
not extorting from them.
But I guess that's what they call the "Vegas way," right? - Oh, yeah.
- Well, we've already tried that.
- Let's try the Jarod way.
- No! No! No! - You're totally whacked.
- You don't know the half of it.
- You're going to make a call.
You're going to let Mona go.
- I don't think so.
- Loser.
- [Sighs.]
- [Wyatt Yelps.]
- Oh.
Ooh, that's harder than golf.
- You're outta your mind.
- Make the call.
- No.
- Uh, loser.
- Last chance.
- [Breathing Heavily.]
- Loser.
- Okay.
- Fore! - [Jarod Narrating.]
Wyatt finally made the call.
And so did I- to the F.
.
B.
I.
When they arrived at the office, they found a killer waiting for them along with the evidence to convict him- all courtesy of the mysterious Richard W.
Dixon.
But the story isn't over.
I still have one more job to do.
Anything? Nothing.
Which is what we're gonna be when we get back to the Centre.
It was fun while it lasted- [Whispering.]
Puff Daddy.
[Faucet Turns, Water Running.]
Miss- Hoo.
I guess I'm not a scrub anymore.
I hope you like Renewal Wing, 'cause I'm gettin' you a gift certificate.
The Centre reeducators can wipe this entire weekend from your brain.
[Jarod.]
Well, you better tell them that Broots caught me.
[Chuckles.]
Don't have to.
We're a team, aren't we Dr.
Funkenstein? Well, that all depends on one thing, baby.
Am I your Puff Daddy? [Sighs.]
Oh, yeah, baby.
And I wanna get funked up.
Oh, I have to watch? You get to watch.
[Both Giggle.]
I'll tell you what, Mr.
Funkadelic.
If we're gonna do this, let's do it right.
It's my turn to live out a fantasy.
- Bald men have always driven me crazy.
- [Broots Chuckles.]
- # [Chorus Singing Slow Soul.]
- And it takes more than one to really satisfy me.
- Mr.
Wiggles, get in here! - # [Continues.]
[Wheels Squeaking.]
[Spoken Lyric.]
# [Continues.]
No.
Miss Parker, what about us? [Spoken Lyric.]
No.
No.
No.
No.
No! What the- Ah! Mr.
Wiggles.
[Sputters.]
Ow.
I told you not to fall asleep.
- I was asleep? - Yeah.
- The whole time? - Yes, Rip Van Winkle.
You were makin' some weird noises too.
And by the way, what exactly is a "Puff Daddy"? [Jarod Narrating.]
Like I said, I have one more thing to do.
But it isn't this dream.
- It's somebody else's.
- [Strains.]
- Can I help you with that? - Why, I- - [Chuckling.]
- Oh, God.
Oh, God.
If you knew, sir, how much I've wanted to meet- This is an honor, sir.
- This is an honor.
- Listen.
Third row, polka dot dress.
- Sir? - Adella.
- She was wearin' a polka dot dress.
- You are a god.
[Chuckles.]
Listen.
I understand there's something you'd like me to hear.
- Well, as a matter of fact, uh, you probably wouldn't wanna- - # [Accordion: Stray Notes.]
- You know- - I'd love to.
- You would? - I would.
- Yeah? [Chuckles.]
- # [Stray Notes.]
Okay.
Here we go.
# [Swing Introduction.]
# AufWiedersehen, baby # # AufWiedersehen # # It means good-bye, my baby# # I don't know why I feel this pain # # It's not my goiter # # But let's reconnoiter # # So even though I'm on that far-off desert in Morocco # - # I'm feelin' rocko, but I wanna do this refrain # - [Howls.]
# AufWiedersehen # - # AufWiedersehen ## - # [Ends.]
- [Laughing.]
- [Jarod, Argyle.]
Whoo! Well, that was unmistakablyyou.
- That's just the first verse.
There's more to come.
- I cannot wait.
Uh, listen.
I wanna see you all tonight at my show.
You'll be my guest.
I'll leave your names at the front door.
And by the way, I want you to know that Adella was my inspiration too.
- Oh, thank you, sir.
Thank you.
- See you.
See you tonight.
[Benny.]
What a guy.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
That could be the worst song I've ever heard.
- I know.
But to him it was a dream come true.
- [Chuckles.]
Guess they mean a lot to you, huh? - He listened.
He liked it.
- [Argyle.]
Standing room only, Pop.
Speaking of a lot, thank you for that donation.
It was for a good cause.
You know, I don't think I ever got your name.
Well, everyone in town calls me Dick Dixon.
- You're Dick Dixon? - Yes.
- [Impact.]
- [Body Hitting Ground.]