Workaholics s04e11 Episode Script

Well, I do have this neanderthal jaw here, so I'm gonna go with I'm a six.
Well, you're too skinny.
I think you could be a seven if you weren't so skinny.
'Cause, like, girls love a little squish.
- Reminds 'em of their dads.
- Yeah.
You know? And all girls wanna bang their dads.
But they can't because of laws and stuff.
I'm an 11, 'cause I got a six up here, and a five-inch pork sword, so Oh [Laughter.]
Oh! Hey, hey! - [Honks horn.]
- Get outta the way! Let's go, Babak.
We're trying to get some doughnuts, man! [Laughs.]
Ooh, they feisty today.
Hey, get this hoopty off my court.
Are you telling me you condone of this? And that? Yeah, well, corporate's been bugging me to start a "health initiative.
" So instead of running some stupid 5k, which would kill half of these slobs, we're having a 3-on-3 tournament.
Oh, very cool.
I did not know you balled, Alice.
Yeah, well, it's in my blood.
My dad worked for the Chicago Bulls growing up.
My gosh.
That would be, like, a dream gig.
Did he party with B.
J.
Armstrong? Did he and B.
J.
, like, get BJs together in the locker room? - That'd be cool, right? - [Laughs.]
Yeah.
Are you asking me if my dad got a [Bleep.]
job next to an NBA player in a bathroom and then told me about it? - Oh, it's inappropriate? - Yeah, a little bit.
Oh, sorry, there's different social standards - in different situations.
- Yeah.
Ew.
Anyway, I did get corporate to put up a cool-ass prize.
[Clicks tongue.]
Oh! Oh! Is that a dodge dart? Oh! [Laughs.]
- I freakin' love dodge darts.
- Great safety ratings.
That is my favorite car, and I'm asking for that for, like, the next six Christmases from my parents.
No.
No, no, no, you don't win the car.
No, that's the company car.
But you do get to drive it for a two-day one-night stay at one of the T.
A.
C.
timeshares in Reno! So we do get to drive the dodge dart.
Yeah.
So we do get to be in the dodge dart.
- To the big dirty, baby.
- To Reno, to Reno.
I think Reno is the new Vegas.
Instead of, like, being the rat pack, we could be, like, the frat pack, dude.
- I call Seth Rogen.
- I'll be any Wilson brother.
Anyway, you're playing Waymond, Bill, and Babak after lunch.
Oh.
Couple of losers! Where they at? 'Cause Waymond, you're going down! Watch this.
Hey, guys.
Hey, guys.
Don't have sex with the dodge dart.
- I'm gonna dunk off the Volvo! - Hey, dude Watch the sunroof.
All: Oh! - Dude! - [Laughs.]
And one Of my nuts just ruptured.
What an idiot.
It's out of the pouch.
Ow! Don't push me like that! Oh, was that a foul? Then call it a foul.
I can handle a foul.
I can't handle your bitching.
I hate sports with you, Adam.
Oh! Open.
And Hey, Adam.
Oh, wide open.
Ooh! Amazing.
And Game.
Hand in the cookie jar.
Hand in the cookie jar, baby.
Guys, I can't see.
'Cause my guy shot the lights outta the building.
Whoo! I'm turning the lights back on.
[Shaking.]
- Help us! - Watch this.
I think it's safe to say Reno is in the bag.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
[Growling.]
Let's see what's going down over here.
Champions coming through! You got some business? - Oh! - Whoo! Taste the rainbow, bitches! Unh! What? Uh, Al-dog, who the hell's that? Oh, that's Lynette from accounting.
[Shouting indistinctly.]
Yeah, she almost made the '96 Olympics.
Until Cheryl Miller posterized her in the exhibition game.
Yeah, she ended up on a Wheaties box.
Ugh, it was brutal.
Muff all in her face.
Alice is a huge fan of female basketball.
Do you think you think maybe we could get an autograph? Are you [Bleep.]
serious? - Okay, uh-oh.
- Oh.
Okay, Lynette, chill.
Chill, Lynette.
Whoa.
Okay.
My lady runs hot.
It's a damn shame she's so cute, 'cause we're gonna have to take her out.
Right, a Where's Adam? Oh, he's taking a victory crap.
A victory lap.
No, no, no.
[People shouting.]
Think we need to practice if we're gonna beat Lynette and her squad.
We need to figure out some kind of, like, triangle offense.
- [Sighs.]
- Or, even, hear me out.
A circular kind of offense, or a rectangular one? I'm not practicing.
Okay? I've got people coming over for a World Of Warcraft murder mystery party, and it's my turn to host.
I need to impress these people or I won't be in the guild anymore.
How 'bout you quit talking about that World Of Warcraft nerd stuff, 'cause we are jocks.
We are jocks who play sports and go to Reno and gamble.
And, like, maybe have sex with hookers.
I want to have sex with a hooker so bad.
I won't pay, but if I meet one and, like, we hit it off, I'll totally do it.
I will agree with Blake in the fact that we don't need to practice.
- What? - See? Thank you.
- [Knock on door.]
- Ooh, right on time.
Lynette is the biggest and strongest - player on the court, right? - Yes.
She's a big girl.
So all we gotta do Is get even stronger.
[Ball bounces.]
Karl.
You're supposed to be right there, you're supposed to catch the pass.
Oh, shoot, I'm sorry, man.
That was the whole point of you do doing it.
I-I forgot.
There's hella millipedes under that bush.
- It's cool-looking.
- It is cool-looking.
That's awesome.
What the hell's going on? - Uh, we got, uh, steroids.
- Here you go.
The Mexican kind, so you know they're good.
Here's the juice, and here is the juice shooters.
The juice shooters.
Be careful.
Those are not clean.
I'm okay on that.
Hey, Blake, is it cool if I free-ball it underneath my farm shaman outfit later on for the wow thing? I got a little bit of a cheese dick situation.
Actually, in the wow realm, there is no underwear.
- Wonderful.
- I'm already started.
Thank you.
Thank you for coming, Karl.
And I don't appreciate you filling Blake's head with all this nerd knowledge, when he should be filling his head with steroids.
[Warbles.]
[Inhales.]
Jesus.
- And Ders.
- What? We need to do the steroids in order to win and be the strongest.
I don't know how I could explain that in a cooler and more doper fashion.
As team captain, I'll step up and admit when we don't need to practice.
I wasn't gonna anyways, but thank you.
Steroids are still insane.
So if we're going to beat that tough gal pal Lynette, we're gonna have to take her out.
All right, so we're gonna have to attack her weakness.
Her temper.
Oh, I thought you were gonna say her titties.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, no.
Her titties are not a weakness.
You've got a crush on her.
Yeah, I got a little thing for her.
I hope you don't get mad at me when I freakin' smash her skull in 'cause I'm too high off Mexican steroids.
I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna piss off Lynette.
I'm gonna push her buttons, you know? [Chuckles.]
- Farted on her.
[Chuckles.]
- Are you listening? Sorry.
I farted on her.
Anyway, so I'm gonna go in there, you know, rock it with Lynette, and I'm gonna piss her off, so she's gonna want to punch me, right? Right.
Boom.
Tez's iPad.
She's gonna break her hand.
So they're done.
Nice, man.
But I mean, are you sure that's gonna hurt her hand? This thing is made of a helicopter's windshield.
- Reno, Reno.
- [Laughs.]
- Hey.
- Oh, look at this punk bitch.
What's up, team wackness? - How you doing? - Had a question.
What is it like being so much worse at basketball than Cheryl Miller? - Hey, shut your mouth.
- Tez.
I know what you're trying to do.
- Tez.
- Isn't it frustrating that if you were just a little bit better, maybe it'd be you hanging out with Reggie Miller - and not Cheryl? - They're brother and sister.
- Brother and sister? - Maybe.
You know? But all I could do is go home to my kids and thank God that they're healthy, you know? 'Cause they wasn't always healthy, you know? You remember? Little Darnell? Almost lost his leg.
Okay.
All right, well I hope little Darnell dies.
What? What the [Bleep.]
? What are you doing? What the hell? Oh, dude, seriously, you are a dickhead! - Sorry.
[Chuckles.]
- Oh, my God.
Get some ice, gill.
Did you break it? - I mean, I know it's broken.
- How that feel? - Ah! - Oh! - You're not a doctor, dude.
- I was in the boy scouts.
Just 'cause you're light-skinned, that don't make you a doctor.
Beneath the surface of Azeroth, the old gods plot the spread of manifest evil.
In the icy tundras of the northern realm, a spirit of pure malice commands an army of orcs.
[Spits.]
Foul things.
And yet in this lowly hovel, one of us has murder in our hearts.
No! Ow! Ow! Please don't kill me! Stop it! Ouch! Oh! Oh! Oh, whoa, whoa.
[Clears throat.]
Bumblebee tuna, Bumblebee tuna.
What? [Whispers.]
Your balls are showing.
- Oh.
- Yeah and butthole, everything.
- Whole gooch.
- Sorry, bro.
Sorry about that.
Ah! Young Gazzbrook Goldcrank Isead! And one of us is the murderer, but whom? Is it you? Ah, yes.
You have the look of murder in your eyes.
Or is it the filthy blood elf Saetharin Firewhisper? Okay, I'm sorry, Blake, can we get nametags or something? 'Cause you just called that guy "Seafart Firetruck.
" I'm never gonna remember that.
Good morning, Dersy.
Time to grow strong My weak, little friend.
Ow! What're you doing? I just injected you with steroids! Oh, my God, do you feel it? Do you feel it coursing through your bod? Dude, let me outta here right now.
Oh, nuh-uh.
No, you gotta think of someone bigger than yourself.
Spiritual awakening, bigger than thy self.
- Such is Reno, man.
- What? Feel the steroids coursing through your body.
- Making your veins pop - Get Like the veins within a man's penis.
Okay, get off of me right now.
Get off of me! Feel the power.
Feel the strength.
Feel the Mexican.
I feel it.
Really? They work quick, huh? Frickin' hits you just like that.
- I feel it! - Yeah, boy! Well, the ice princess here is He's right here.
He's not even in his room.
What are you doing? What's everyone still doing here, man? We got a b-ball game! I have to finish this game first.
- What are you talking about? - Yeah, it's going on 14 hours.
Oh, my gosh, nonstop.
Hate to tell you your World Of "Warcrap" game - is over! - Okay.
The mystery's solved, the murderers are here.
Demamp, let's slit some throats! Yeah! Murder 'em! Kill 'em all! Hell yeah! [Grunts.]
- Death! - What are you doing? Just kickin' it right now in the 'roid lounge, chillin'.
About ready to inject myself, get the blood pumping! You just did steroids.
Right down my d-hole! Dahhh! Just kidding, that would hurt.
I'm gonna go in my heart though.
[Bleep.]
Okay, fine.
I'll get it started! I'm getting it started! Whoo! - Wait.
- This is fun! Let's go.
You're dead.
- No, no.
- You're dead! Murdered! Let's go, dude! - Get outta here! - What is your problem, man? You gonna sit here and eyeball me, man? - You think I'm afraid of you? - I know you are, nut-muncher.
I am Balkaran Hellscream, Warchief of the Horde, and You are a mere human.
Wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! No, no, no, don't go! Oh, no! I want everybody off my land, now! You are out of the guild, Kashakazul.
You're now banished to be known simply - as Blake Henderson.
- No, no, no Hey, Jeremy? Can your stepmom give me a ride? What the hell are you doing, man? You know how long it took me to get in that guild? No, I don't know.
But you're welcome, okay? Because the guild's fake, this team is real, - and we need you.
- Okay.
You need me? - Yes.
- Well, guess what.
- What? - I quit! If you quit this team I'm never gonna forgive you, Blake.
I swear on my mother's only child, which is who I am, I'll never forgive you.
You know what, I'm gonna make this a little more interesting.
Please do.
I'm joining Tez's team.
- Yeah.
- You're what? Yeah, that's right.
And we're going to Reno.
You hear that, Adam? I'm having chest pains.
I gotta go to "ampm," all right? - I need a Slurpee to cool off.
- Hey, hey! - Ah, my chest hurts! - It's A.
M.
-P.
M.
! He's out of his mind.
I think he's literally lost his mind.
I can't even move my left arm.
- What? Are you serious? - Ahh! Think I'm having a heart attack.
You're shooting this stuff right in your chest.
- You're crazy.
- We need to do more steroids.
Inject me with more steroids to offset it.
You're done with steroids.
It's like Pulp Fiction.
I need to inject more into me.
I'm not injecting more steroids.
I'm gonna take you to a hospital or something, okay? There's not enough time, man! You gotta get to the game! Forget about the game.
We don't even have enough players for a team.
Well, then you get some players.
And you get a team together and you dunk that ball so hard, either using some mini trampoline or some moon shoes, and shatter the backboard so hard that it gets glass in someone's eye! I promise.
We got Reno.
- It's a deal.
- All right, deal.
That was a close call.
[Laughing.]
Are you gonna call an ambulance? Oh, are you still heart attacking? Yeah, I'm still having a heart attack.
- Is that still happening? - Yeah.
- Okay, I am sorry.
- Yeah.
Thank you for joining me, Karl.
Do not make me regret this.
No, absolutely not.
Hey, how's Adam doing? Is he okay? Adam's not good, Karl.
Adam almost died.
He had a bunch of your Mexican steroids, and then had himself a heart attack.
That eats horribly, man.
Too much sodium.
He needs to lay off the sun chips.
I said I'd win this game for him, and I don't know if he's gonna pull through.
But What's up with your boy, man? He's not that big.
Is he good? Oh, yeah, man.
He's great.
- Please.
- Yeah, for real.
Plus, he's the only guy that we could afford.
- Where my 100 at, bro? - Where his 100 at, bro? Where his 100 [Sighs.]
Lucky I just stopped at the ATM.
- 100 bucks.
There you go.
- Thank you.
Here's the deal.
Anyone asks, you are a night janitor here.
- Okay.
- You gotta wear that.
It kinda smells, I'm sorry, but Oh, man.
Make that 300.
- 300, please.
- Oh, my God! Are you kidding me? It's for Reno.
There you go, man.
This is only 200.
Yeah, that's 200, That's 300, okay? Come on.
[Slow jam.]
Oh, baby! The Trilla squad has arrived, and its captain is me! And you might know me as Basketball Lecter.
Over here we got Karl the Malone, and my main guy G-orge the G-anitor! Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on.
That's a terrible-ass nickname.
- What do you wanna be called? - Hot sauce.
Hot sauce.
He wants to be What do you want me to be, Parmesan? - Come on.
- I'll be Heinz 57.
- Okay.
- That's stupid.
No, no, no, no, no.
This tournament's for people that work here only.
Yeah.
Sorry, they're right.
Employees only.
This is the Night Janitor at T.
A.
C.
, and this is Karl the Plumber from that one time.
Hi.
I'm sorry, I just Don't like to interact with two of your hardest-working employees that clean up after the slop you leave behind in that sty you call an office? Is that what's happening? Well, guess what.
I'm gonna stand for it anymore, okay? Guys, go warm up, all right? I'm on your team.
- I'm fighting for you! - Nice to meet you, Karl.
- Come on, hot sauce, let's go.
- It's G-orge.
Good to see you guys again.
I'll talk to you after the game.
Thank you for your service.
Where's your little bitch Adam, huh? Where's our best friend? Mm, he's in a hospital, Blake.
Because he has a broken heart that you broke.
That's not true.
You can't go to the hospital for a broken heart.
Adam had a heart attack, okay, and the doctor said it's your fault and not all the Mexican steroids.
So if it's cool with you, I'm gonna warm up now, man! Bill, I need you to go to the T.
A.
C.
file room, check the current employees to see if these dudes are real Telamericans.
- Fast as hell! - I don't know about that.
He should've been on the team.
Ahh! Ahh.
Where am I? Where am I? I need to go to the game.
Ders needs me.
I need more steroids.
You need to inject me with more steroids.
No, no, no, you're not going anywhere.
Shut up.
Yuh-huh.
Your body has had quite a shock.
Right now you need to rest and hydrate.
Freaking you need to hydrate.
Now I need to go to Reno and freaking have sex with chicks that have glitter all over their boobs and and, like Play Blackjack and hopefully win, like, a ton of cash.
Like, come home with 60 bucks and like glitter all over my mouth and genitalia area.
What are you doing? Were you taking any drugs when this happened? - Just turn the game on, man.
- What game, sir? The Telamerican office basketball tournament game.
I'm not sure they're broadcasting that game.
I'm sure we can get you a magazine.
Hand me my phone, and I'll call Jillian and have her do a play-by-play.
All right.
Did you put dick pic in my phone? - No.
- Oh, you're right, that's mine.
[Whistle blows.]
[Overlapped chatter.]
Hello.
Hey, what's up? It's Adam.
I'm in the hospital.
I need you to tell me what's happening in the game.
Well, thanks for asking.
My game is totally hot right now.
There's a cute babe behind me.
I'm gonna smile at him, see how it goes.
- There it is! - Oh! - [All yelling.]
- My bad! My bad! My bad! "D" up, "D" up! Come on, Tez! "D" up! [Overlapped shouting.]
You're blocking me out with your arm! Whoo! The g-anitor's cleaning up! [Cheers and applause.]
Hey, focus up.
Tell me what's happening in the game.
Okay, yeah.
Anders has the ball.
And he passed it to Adam.
- Oh.
- I'm Adam.
Not Adam.
You're Adam.
[Laughing.]
That's so weird.
You ever do that, where you're telling someone a story about somebody else, and then you call them by their own name? Actually I did that earlier today.
It was hilarious.
Lay it up, blaaaaa oh! Yep, that was way over.
My bad.
- What? - Dude, I'm sorry.
Look, I'm sorry.
I was just up all night trying to solve an orc-on-orc homicide.
And you know, now my tied-for-first best friend is in the hospital, and I'm just a little rusty, all right? Just Just get off my back, man! [Overlapped chatter.]
Did you know we had a warehouse? It's huge.
And it's freezing.
[Yells.]
You can see Alice's nipples through her shirt.
- What? - They're really weird.
Are they pink, or are they dark? I bet they're dark.
Bet they're like little Hershey's kisses.
I'll bet that's what Alice's [Bleep.]
taste like.
Move! Move, move, move, move, move! Okay, yeah.
Go ahead, make it.
[Overlapped shouting.]
Damn, this boy fast! Stop! They're cheating.
He's not a T.
A.
C.
employee.
That guy's done some plumbing work, but G-orge the G-anitor is not on the list.
Ah, ha! I knew it.
Let me see.
Yes.
Disqualified.
We win! - Gil - Mm.
We going to Reno! - Blake, up top.
- No.
You leaving me hanging, Blake.
Up top.
This is what I think about your team.
Oh, th - Oh, you are.
- Right there, bud.
- I'm joining Ders.
- Whoo! - Dude.
- Yeah.
And I'm dedicating this game to Adam Demamp, my tied-for-second best friend.
Yeah, 'cause my best friend is actually my mother.
Everybody's mother should be their best friend.
Well, actually, since he's here you're gone.
- But thanks, man.
- Oh, I ain't tripping, man.
- I got my 300.
- Yeah, see ya, bro.
- Keep it real.
- Still got my number, right? Al-dog.
Honestly, none of that game should've counted anyway.
Mm-hmm.
And I have to get going, 'cause I Have to get to night school.
Lynette! We need you, girl, one arm or not.
- Are you ready for this? - Let's get it then! All right, fine.
We'll do one more point.
Sudden death, jump ball.
If I win this, can we go on a date together? Hell, no.
Well, then prepare to be Shirley Millered.
It's Cheryl, dumbass.
Well, then that then.
Gil! In yo' face! - Dammit! - Up, up, up, up, up! [Overlapped shouting.]
- Blake has it! - No, no, hey! Do not take the shot.
Ders is giving him last-minute advice.
Dunk it.
Shatter the backboard for Adam.
He's going for it! [Groans.]
Oh, he missed it! This is for Demamp! [Yells.]
Yeah! [Both yelling.]
Oh, my God! He won! [Yells.]
All: Oh! There's glass everywhere! Tell the guys I'm crying.
Tell the guys I'm crying right now, how happy I am.
- We did it.
- Yeah.
We're going to Reno! Take it back.
Don't tell 'em I'm crying.
This is the best moment of all of our lives! Guys, nice to see you again.
- Hey, uh - Hey.
[Laughing.]
You're probably Uh, we're going to a world of Warcraft thing after this.
- Right.
- Please, no need to explain.
I, myself, am a high-ranking blood elf.
- Sick.
- No kidding.
- All right, well - Well, it turns out the steroids your friend here thought he was taking was actually a combination of rockstar energy drink, ground-up shock tarts But mostly PCP.
Wha wait, so he didn't have a heart attack, he just took PCP.
Well, he had a heart attack and O.
D.
'ed on PCP.
Also, he's got shockingly high sodium levels.
Dammit, Karl's right.
So he's gonna need at least 72 more hours here in the hospital, and just rest.
is what he's gonna get, then.
At least.
Absolutely.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
Hit the snooze button on life.
All: Reno Las Vegas Yeehaw! All: Reno Las Vegas [cackling.]
All: Reno Reno Las Vegas