All In The Family s04e12 Episode Script
Second Honeymoon
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The hit parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days Hi, Mike.
Hi, honey.
Hi.
Where you been? Out shopping for a trousseau.
Oh, yeah? Who's getting married? Nobody.
But someone's going on a honeymoon.
That's the way to do it, skip the ceremony and get right to the essentials.
No, Mike, that ain't it.
Ma, he's gonna find out pretty soon anyway.
Can I tell him now? Well, all right.
But you gotta promise not to tell Archie.
Okay.
Ma's going on a second honeymoon.
With who? Michael! Well, you told me not to tell Archie.
I figured, hey, hey! No, Mike! See, I wanna keep it a secret and surprise him so I ain't telling him till the night before we leave.
Where are you going? The Hotel Atlantic City in Atlantic City.
It's the same place we spent our first honeymoon 25 years ago.
Isn't that a great way to celebrate a 25th anniversary? Yeah, that's very romantic, Ma.
What made you think of a second honeymoon? I was in the dentist's office reading this article in Cosmopolitan magazine, "Ten Modern Ways to Keep Your Marriage Fresh.
" Well, the first nine ways were a little too fresh for Archie.
But the last one said, "Go on a second honeymoon and feel like a newlywed again," and that's what we're gonna do.
Honey, wouldn't you like to go on a second honeymoon? No.
Why not? I'm not through with my first one yet.
ALL: Ohhh! Mike, while we was gone, was there a phone call or a telegram for me? No, Ma.
Oh, my, the hotel said they'd let me know if they could give us the same room we had 25 years ago.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Maybe that's the telegram! I got the idea of the same room from watching the movie Plaza Suite.
Oh, hi, Louise.
Hello, honeymoon girl.
Oh! Hi, there.
Hi, Louise.
Will this be all right for you? Oh, Louise, that's beautiful and it's so light.
It's airplane luggage.
Oh, my.
Oh, but don't worry, Edith, you can take it on the bus.
That's good.
Mike, would you take this upstairs to your room? If Archie sees it, he may catch on.
Oh, sure, Ma.
Oh, and, Ma, I'd better hide your new negligee because if Daddy sees it, he'll go wild.
You mean, you haven't told Archie yet? Oh, no.
I ain't gonna tell him till the last minute.
I wanna surprise him.
Well, the last time we went away on a weekend, my husband surprised me.
George and his practical jokes.
What did he do? He signed the hotel register "Mr.
and Mrs.
George Wallace.
" Well, Archie was very nice on our honeymoon.
He was the perfect gentleman.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Better luck this time.
Oh! [LAUGHING LOUDLY.]
What's with her, she hit on a number? No, Archie, she's just happy.
Yeah? Well, how come she's so happy in the middle of the week? I certainly ain't happy and I got a bone to pick with that son of hers, Lionel.
What happened? I wanted to go to the Knicks-Lakers game but I couldn't get off work to buy a ticket.
I says to Lionel, "I'll give you 5 bucks "if you go into Madison Square Garden, stand on line for a ticket.
" That was two days ago.
I ain't seen hide nor hair of him since.
[PHONE RINGING.]
I'll get it.
I'll get it! I'll get it! Go get it! EDITH: Hello? Yes, this is her.
Oh, would you hold on a minute, please? Archie, this is a personal call.
What, for me? No.
For me.
Oh, really? Do you mind? Why should I mind? Answer the phone.
I mean, do you mind leaving the room, please? I know you ain't talking to me! Archie, this is private.
Hold it there.
This happens to be my house, my living room.
That's my telephone there.
I'm in on all the privates in this house.
Hello? Um, there's someone here in this room who ain't supposed to hear what I'm gonna say.
So you talk and I'll go, "Mm-hm," or "Mm-mm.
" Yeah.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm! Oh, thank you! Yeah.
Goodbye.
What was that all about? [DOORBELL RINGING.]
Oh, I'll get it, I'll get it.
I'll get it! Get it! Oh, hi, Lionel.
Hi, Mrs.
Bunker.
Where you been for the last two days? I came to tell you about the tickets.
You didn't get it? No.
I got it for you.
You got the ticket! Oh, whoop-de-do.
Lionel, I could kiss you.
This I gotta see.
Shut up, huh? What's going on? There, a ticket to the Lakers-Knicks game.
There.
Eat your heart out, Meathead.
Oh, and, Lionel, here's that $2 we was talking about.
Buy yourself something there.
Hey, wait, wait.
Didn't you say $5? Well, let's wait and see if the game is any good, huh? Hey, this game is next Sunday.
Next Sunday? Oh, no, Archie, you can't go! Why not? Next Sunday is our Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, jeez, I'm sorry, Edith, I forgot all about it.
Don't worry, don't worry.
I'll make good.
Don't worry.
Hey, Lionel, come here.
You see the way this is, I'm in a corner here.
You know, 25th anniversary, that's one of the biggies.
I don't feel I can leave Edith alone.
You understand what I mean? I know what you mean.
You want me to sell the ticket.
No! I want you to get another ticket for Edith.
Archie, I don't wanna go.
You're going! No.
It's impossible, Mr.
Bunker.
There's not another ticket around.
They're all sold out.
Then I gotta go by myself.
Well, you heard me trying there, didn't you, with Lionel? Here, Lionel, thanks very much.
Thanks for all you've done for me, really.
That's all right, Mr.
Bunker.
Hey, listen, is it really your 25th anniversary? Twenty-fifth, Lionel.
You know this 2 bucks you gave me? Yeah? Buy yourself something.
What does he expect me to buy with 2 bucks? Archie, please don't go to the game.
I was planning for us to be together.
We're gonna be together, Edith, after the game.
I'll come home, I'll pick you up, I'll maybe take you out for a pizza, a glass of wine or something.
But it's our anniversary! I know it's our anniversary.
Our anniversary.
That's a fifty-fifty proposition.
What do you wanna do, spoil my half? I think you'd better tell him the surprise now.
Oh, yeah.
I wanted to keep it a secret till next week, Archie.
Does room 822 mean anything to you? It's a TV show, ain't it? No! Don't you remember the Hotel Atlantic City? Oh, yeah.
What a fleabag.
No, Archie.
It was lovely.
That's where we spent our honeymoon.
Ah.
Remember? And I've reserved the same room for next weekend.
We're going on our second honeymoon.
Oh, no, we ain't, Edie.
You reserved that room, you just unreserve it.
I got money invested in this ticket.
What, Arch, $7.
50? Ma, how much is that hotel reservation gonna cost? Sixty-two dollars.
Sixty-two dollars? Where did you get that kind of money? I saved a little bit every week from the house money.
Oh, well, Edith, I'm sorry.
You just better go get that money back.
Oh, but, Archie, I can't.
It's what they call a guaranteed reservation.
But you can get that money back on that ticket easy.
Sure I can, because the whole world wants to go to the basketball game.
Who the hell wants to go to that rotten hotel? Arch, that's the whole point.
You got a ticket worth $7.
50 that you can easily get back, but you've got $62 invested in the hotel reservation that you can't get back.
Well, I'll show you the kind of man I am.
I'll take the loss and go to the game.
Oh, no, Archie.
You can take your loss, but I ain't gonna take mine.
You can go to a basketball game any day, but your 25th anniversary comes once in a lifetime.
We're going to Atlantic City.
All right, Meathead.
Looks like you're going to a basketball game.
And me-- Hm-hm.
I guess I'm going on a second honeymoon with Edie.
Oh, Archie! Thank you.
Here they come, Michael.
Get the rice.
Yeah, yeah.
Here you are, here you are.
[BOTH SINGING WEDDING MARCH.]
Daaa, da-da-da Daaa da-da-da [LAUGHING.]
All right! Enough of that! Cut it out! I said cut it out.
Come on, Arch! Cut it out! It's a fertility rite to make sure you have lots of children.
Oh, shut up, will you? You're supposed to do that outside of a church, not in the middle of the house.
MICHAEL: Why? It gets all over the floor, that's why.
Don't worry, Daddy, we can clean it up in a hurry.
It's Minute Rice.
Come on, Edie, come on.
Pick up your suitcase.
Oh.
So long, Arch.
Goodbye.
Have a nice honeymoon.
So long, Ma.
Have a good time.
You know, I don't know why anybody would want to go to Atlantic City this time of year.
Honey, it's not where you go, it's who you go with.
Poor Ma.
That's two strikes against her.
Here we are, folks.
Come right on in.
Archie! The first time we were here, you carried me across the threshold.
Get in here.
Oh, my! It's even prettier than last time.
Last time? Yeah, we was here Ah, it's nice to have steady customers.
Here's your key, sir.
If you need anything, just pick up the phone and ask for Albert.
I hope you have a very pleasant stay.
Yeah, thank you.
Good night.
Let me take care of-- Oh, no, sir.
Our customers usually take care of us at checkout time.
Oh, yeah.
Good night.
Yeah, checkout time.
It'll probably cost me more.
Well, I gotta hand it to you, Edie.
The hotel certainly has come up in the world.
Oh, yes! Been all redecorated and everything.
Well, I wasn't talking about the redecoration.
I was talking about the help, you know? Notice all the high-tone coloreds here? That's what it takes for service.
You know, that's what killed the railroads.
They run out of all them high-tone coloreds.
And after that, you couldn't get a decent pancake no more.
I hope they think we're high-tone whites.
Well, Archie! Well, what? I can't get over it! We're really here.
Being as here is where we was headed, Edith.
I don't see no miracle there.
What do you wanna do first? Oh, look at this.
The Three Stooges are on The Late Show.
Oh! Oh, no! Now, take it easy.
You don't like that, we watch Johnny Carson.
Archie, we can watch TV at home.
We're on our honeymoon! Oh, now, listen.
Now, listen.
Hey.
Take it easy with that stuff, huh? Come on, will you? A honeymoon is for kids, Edie.
It's not for older people like you.
Archie, for your information, I'm at the prime of my life and at the height of my sexual attractiveness.
I can't believe this.
Well, I didn't either until I read it in Cosmopolitan magazine.
Don't believe everything you read, huh? No, Archie! Why don't we do what we did on our first honeymoon? What do you expect me to be? Like the light switch? Don't you remember? We sat by the window and listened to the ocean and talked about our future and all the things we was gonna do.
I know, but we done all them things, Edith.
What's left to talk about? Well, if we done them, then they're memories, and they're even nicer to talk about.
Come on and sit down with me.
Don't push me around like a broom! Ooh! Wait a minute.
Oh, look, Archie! It's still there! The Atlantic Ocean! Oh, yes.
Well, I hope you can remember something.
I can't think of nothing.
I was just remembering how funny I felt the first time we was alone together in this room.
Well, it's only natural, Edie.
A young girl on her wedding night is bound to be a little scared, nervous.
I wasn't scared.
No, that was because of me.
Because I was kind and, uh-- What do you call it? Considerate.
And sick.
Don't you remember? You had a terrible upset stomach.
Well I always get an upset stomach when I take a bus to Jersey.
Archie, have you been happy with me? Well, certainly I've been happy with you, Edith.
Jeez.
Of course, it took a little getting used to.
I had to tell you a lot of little things, you remember? Oh, yeah.
I know.
Like, for instance, not to shake a beer can like tomato juice.
In the first three days of our marriage, I was drenched to the waist.
What about you, Edith? Have you been happy with me? Oh, yeah, Archie.
Yeah? You mean, no complaints or nothing? Oh, no.
Nothing.
Come on, now, Edith.
I know I'm pretty good but nobody's perfect.
Oh, that's right.
Everybody has some faults.
Yes.
What faults? Mmm, nothing.
Nothing.
Just Come on! What? What? Well, like right now, you've got kind of a quick temper.
But that ain't my fault.
World War II done that to me! But you're a good husband and a good father.
Remember when Gloria had the measles and she had that high fever? You came home and sat up with her all night long.
You didn't get any sleep for two days.
ARCHIE: Yeah.
And then when the fever broke, I remember we went down in the kitchen for a cup of coffee.
The look on your face! I ain't never seen you happier in my life.
Well, that's probably because it was the first time you gave me a good cup of coffee.
Archie.
Ooh, my, look at the time.
It's 1:00.
Let's go to bed, Archie.
I want everything to be just the same as it was on our first honeymoon.
I'll be right back! Alrighty.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Who's that? ALBERT: Albert, sir.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Albert.
I'm opening the door for you, Albert.
Hey, what's all this? The basket of fruit is compliments of Mr.
Stephens, the manager.
And the bottle of champagne was ordered to be delivered to your room.
Oh, yeah? And what about you? Well, there's a card on the bottle, sir.
Oh.
Good night.
Yeah, good night.
Wait a minute.
Let me take care of you.
Oh, no, no, no.
Checkout time.
Got a feeling Albert's going to cost me an arm and a leg.
Let's see what the card says here.
"To the happy couple.
"We hope this adds a little sparkle to your honeymoon.
Love, Mike and Gloria.
" I see the meathead puts his name first.
And I bet it was Gloria's idea.
So what have we got here? New York champagne.
Hmm.
Well, that's a phony label.
They don't grow raisins in New York.
There.
Here we are.
Good old bubbles.
[POPS.]
EDITH: Oh! Archie! It's champagne! Come on out, Edie.
It's a surprise out here! EDITH: What surprise? The kids! The kids.
They sent us a bottle of champagne.
EDITH: Oh, ain't that sweet? Well, come on out, now, and get some.
EDITH: I'm coming! [ARCHIE CLEARS THROAT.]
Here I am.
Gee, Edie.
You know, you look kind of pretty standing there.
Is that the same dress you was wearing when I first seen you come through that bathroom door? Oh, no, Archie, I just got this at Bloomingdale's.
Gee, that's funny.
You look just like you did Thank you, Archie! Come on.
Come on! Let's kill this bottle of champagne, hey? Uh-huh.
Wait! I'm going to make a toast.
Thank you for a wonderful Wow, Edith.
Thank you too.
After all, I couldn't have did it without you.
[BURPS.]
Come on! Give me that.
Uh-uh.
Ahh.
Well, Edith.
Well, what? Well, this.
Edith, come on, I've pushed the button for the elevator.
Yeah, I'm ready.
We've got 10 minutes for the bus.
We're going to be late.
Can I help you with anything, sir? Oh, that's all right, Albert.
I think I can handle it.
Oh, I'll handle it.
It's checkout time.
I knew this was going to cost me, Edith.
Look, all I got is paper.
Have you got three quarters? Hurry up.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
Hi, honey.
Hi.
Where you been? Out shopping for a trousseau.
Oh, yeah? Who's getting married? Nobody.
But someone's going on a honeymoon.
That's the way to do it, skip the ceremony and get right to the essentials.
No, Mike, that ain't it.
Ma, he's gonna find out pretty soon anyway.
Can I tell him now? Well, all right.
But you gotta promise not to tell Archie.
Okay.
Ma's going on a second honeymoon.
With who? Michael! Well, you told me not to tell Archie.
I figured, hey, hey! No, Mike! See, I wanna keep it a secret and surprise him so I ain't telling him till the night before we leave.
Where are you going? The Hotel Atlantic City in Atlantic City.
It's the same place we spent our first honeymoon 25 years ago.
Isn't that a great way to celebrate a 25th anniversary? Yeah, that's very romantic, Ma.
What made you think of a second honeymoon? I was in the dentist's office reading this article in Cosmopolitan magazine, "Ten Modern Ways to Keep Your Marriage Fresh.
" Well, the first nine ways were a little too fresh for Archie.
But the last one said, "Go on a second honeymoon and feel like a newlywed again," and that's what we're gonna do.
Honey, wouldn't you like to go on a second honeymoon? No.
Why not? I'm not through with my first one yet.
ALL: Ohhh! Mike, while we was gone, was there a phone call or a telegram for me? No, Ma.
Oh, my, the hotel said they'd let me know if they could give us the same room we had 25 years ago.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Maybe that's the telegram! I got the idea of the same room from watching the movie Plaza Suite.
Oh, hi, Louise.
Hello, honeymoon girl.
Oh! Hi, there.
Hi, Louise.
Will this be all right for you? Oh, Louise, that's beautiful and it's so light.
It's airplane luggage.
Oh, my.
Oh, but don't worry, Edith, you can take it on the bus.
That's good.
Mike, would you take this upstairs to your room? If Archie sees it, he may catch on.
Oh, sure, Ma.
Oh, and, Ma, I'd better hide your new negligee because if Daddy sees it, he'll go wild.
You mean, you haven't told Archie yet? Oh, no.
I ain't gonna tell him till the last minute.
I wanna surprise him.
Well, the last time we went away on a weekend, my husband surprised me.
George and his practical jokes.
What did he do? He signed the hotel register "Mr.
and Mrs.
George Wallace.
" Well, Archie was very nice on our honeymoon.
He was the perfect gentleman.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Better luck this time.
Oh! [LAUGHING LOUDLY.]
What's with her, she hit on a number? No, Archie, she's just happy.
Yeah? Well, how come she's so happy in the middle of the week? I certainly ain't happy and I got a bone to pick with that son of hers, Lionel.
What happened? I wanted to go to the Knicks-Lakers game but I couldn't get off work to buy a ticket.
I says to Lionel, "I'll give you 5 bucks "if you go into Madison Square Garden, stand on line for a ticket.
" That was two days ago.
I ain't seen hide nor hair of him since.
[PHONE RINGING.]
I'll get it.
I'll get it! I'll get it! Go get it! EDITH: Hello? Yes, this is her.
Oh, would you hold on a minute, please? Archie, this is a personal call.
What, for me? No.
For me.
Oh, really? Do you mind? Why should I mind? Answer the phone.
I mean, do you mind leaving the room, please? I know you ain't talking to me! Archie, this is private.
Hold it there.
This happens to be my house, my living room.
That's my telephone there.
I'm in on all the privates in this house.
Hello? Um, there's someone here in this room who ain't supposed to hear what I'm gonna say.
So you talk and I'll go, "Mm-hm," or "Mm-mm.
" Yeah.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm! Oh, thank you! Yeah.
Goodbye.
What was that all about? [DOORBELL RINGING.]
Oh, I'll get it, I'll get it.
I'll get it! Get it! Oh, hi, Lionel.
Hi, Mrs.
Bunker.
Where you been for the last two days? I came to tell you about the tickets.
You didn't get it? No.
I got it for you.
You got the ticket! Oh, whoop-de-do.
Lionel, I could kiss you.
This I gotta see.
Shut up, huh? What's going on? There, a ticket to the Lakers-Knicks game.
There.
Eat your heart out, Meathead.
Oh, and, Lionel, here's that $2 we was talking about.
Buy yourself something there.
Hey, wait, wait.
Didn't you say $5? Well, let's wait and see if the game is any good, huh? Hey, this game is next Sunday.
Next Sunday? Oh, no, Archie, you can't go! Why not? Next Sunday is our Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, jeez, I'm sorry, Edith, I forgot all about it.
Don't worry, don't worry.
I'll make good.
Don't worry.
Hey, Lionel, come here.
You see the way this is, I'm in a corner here.
You know, 25th anniversary, that's one of the biggies.
I don't feel I can leave Edith alone.
You understand what I mean? I know what you mean.
You want me to sell the ticket.
No! I want you to get another ticket for Edith.
Archie, I don't wanna go.
You're going! No.
It's impossible, Mr.
Bunker.
There's not another ticket around.
They're all sold out.
Then I gotta go by myself.
Well, you heard me trying there, didn't you, with Lionel? Here, Lionel, thanks very much.
Thanks for all you've done for me, really.
That's all right, Mr.
Bunker.
Hey, listen, is it really your 25th anniversary? Twenty-fifth, Lionel.
You know this 2 bucks you gave me? Yeah? Buy yourself something.
What does he expect me to buy with 2 bucks? Archie, please don't go to the game.
I was planning for us to be together.
We're gonna be together, Edith, after the game.
I'll come home, I'll pick you up, I'll maybe take you out for a pizza, a glass of wine or something.
But it's our anniversary! I know it's our anniversary.
Our anniversary.
That's a fifty-fifty proposition.
What do you wanna do, spoil my half? I think you'd better tell him the surprise now.
Oh, yeah.
I wanted to keep it a secret till next week, Archie.
Does room 822 mean anything to you? It's a TV show, ain't it? No! Don't you remember the Hotel Atlantic City? Oh, yeah.
What a fleabag.
No, Archie.
It was lovely.
That's where we spent our honeymoon.
Ah.
Remember? And I've reserved the same room for next weekend.
We're going on our second honeymoon.
Oh, no, we ain't, Edie.
You reserved that room, you just unreserve it.
I got money invested in this ticket.
What, Arch, $7.
50? Ma, how much is that hotel reservation gonna cost? Sixty-two dollars.
Sixty-two dollars? Where did you get that kind of money? I saved a little bit every week from the house money.
Oh, well, Edith, I'm sorry.
You just better go get that money back.
Oh, but, Archie, I can't.
It's what they call a guaranteed reservation.
But you can get that money back on that ticket easy.
Sure I can, because the whole world wants to go to the basketball game.
Who the hell wants to go to that rotten hotel? Arch, that's the whole point.
You got a ticket worth $7.
50 that you can easily get back, but you've got $62 invested in the hotel reservation that you can't get back.
Well, I'll show you the kind of man I am.
I'll take the loss and go to the game.
Oh, no, Archie.
You can take your loss, but I ain't gonna take mine.
You can go to a basketball game any day, but your 25th anniversary comes once in a lifetime.
We're going to Atlantic City.
All right, Meathead.
Looks like you're going to a basketball game.
And me-- Hm-hm.
I guess I'm going on a second honeymoon with Edie.
Oh, Archie! Thank you.
Here they come, Michael.
Get the rice.
Yeah, yeah.
Here you are, here you are.
[BOTH SINGING WEDDING MARCH.]
Daaa, da-da-da Daaa da-da-da [LAUGHING.]
All right! Enough of that! Cut it out! I said cut it out.
Come on, Arch! Cut it out! It's a fertility rite to make sure you have lots of children.
Oh, shut up, will you? You're supposed to do that outside of a church, not in the middle of the house.
MICHAEL: Why? It gets all over the floor, that's why.
Don't worry, Daddy, we can clean it up in a hurry.
It's Minute Rice.
Come on, Edie, come on.
Pick up your suitcase.
Oh.
So long, Arch.
Goodbye.
Have a nice honeymoon.
So long, Ma.
Have a good time.
You know, I don't know why anybody would want to go to Atlantic City this time of year.
Honey, it's not where you go, it's who you go with.
Poor Ma.
That's two strikes against her.
Here we are, folks.
Come right on in.
Archie! The first time we were here, you carried me across the threshold.
Get in here.
Oh, my! It's even prettier than last time.
Last time? Yeah, we was here Ah, it's nice to have steady customers.
Here's your key, sir.
If you need anything, just pick up the phone and ask for Albert.
I hope you have a very pleasant stay.
Yeah, thank you.
Good night.
Let me take care of-- Oh, no, sir.
Our customers usually take care of us at checkout time.
Oh, yeah.
Good night.
Yeah, checkout time.
It'll probably cost me more.
Well, I gotta hand it to you, Edie.
The hotel certainly has come up in the world.
Oh, yes! Been all redecorated and everything.
Well, I wasn't talking about the redecoration.
I was talking about the help, you know? Notice all the high-tone coloreds here? That's what it takes for service.
You know, that's what killed the railroads.
They run out of all them high-tone coloreds.
And after that, you couldn't get a decent pancake no more.
I hope they think we're high-tone whites.
Well, Archie! Well, what? I can't get over it! We're really here.
Being as here is where we was headed, Edith.
I don't see no miracle there.
What do you wanna do first? Oh, look at this.
The Three Stooges are on The Late Show.
Oh! Oh, no! Now, take it easy.
You don't like that, we watch Johnny Carson.
Archie, we can watch TV at home.
We're on our honeymoon! Oh, now, listen.
Now, listen.
Hey.
Take it easy with that stuff, huh? Come on, will you? A honeymoon is for kids, Edie.
It's not for older people like you.
Archie, for your information, I'm at the prime of my life and at the height of my sexual attractiveness.
I can't believe this.
Well, I didn't either until I read it in Cosmopolitan magazine.
Don't believe everything you read, huh? No, Archie! Why don't we do what we did on our first honeymoon? What do you expect me to be? Like the light switch? Don't you remember? We sat by the window and listened to the ocean and talked about our future and all the things we was gonna do.
I know, but we done all them things, Edith.
What's left to talk about? Well, if we done them, then they're memories, and they're even nicer to talk about.
Come on and sit down with me.
Don't push me around like a broom! Ooh! Wait a minute.
Oh, look, Archie! It's still there! The Atlantic Ocean! Oh, yes.
Well, I hope you can remember something.
I can't think of nothing.
I was just remembering how funny I felt the first time we was alone together in this room.
Well, it's only natural, Edie.
A young girl on her wedding night is bound to be a little scared, nervous.
I wasn't scared.
No, that was because of me.
Because I was kind and, uh-- What do you call it? Considerate.
And sick.
Don't you remember? You had a terrible upset stomach.
Well I always get an upset stomach when I take a bus to Jersey.
Archie, have you been happy with me? Well, certainly I've been happy with you, Edith.
Jeez.
Of course, it took a little getting used to.
I had to tell you a lot of little things, you remember? Oh, yeah.
I know.
Like, for instance, not to shake a beer can like tomato juice.
In the first three days of our marriage, I was drenched to the waist.
What about you, Edith? Have you been happy with me? Oh, yeah, Archie.
Yeah? You mean, no complaints or nothing? Oh, no.
Nothing.
Come on, now, Edith.
I know I'm pretty good but nobody's perfect.
Oh, that's right.
Everybody has some faults.
Yes.
What faults? Mmm, nothing.
Nothing.
Just Come on! What? What? Well, like right now, you've got kind of a quick temper.
But that ain't my fault.
World War II done that to me! But you're a good husband and a good father.
Remember when Gloria had the measles and she had that high fever? You came home and sat up with her all night long.
You didn't get any sleep for two days.
ARCHIE: Yeah.
And then when the fever broke, I remember we went down in the kitchen for a cup of coffee.
The look on your face! I ain't never seen you happier in my life.
Well, that's probably because it was the first time you gave me a good cup of coffee.
Archie.
Ooh, my, look at the time.
It's 1:00.
Let's go to bed, Archie.
I want everything to be just the same as it was on our first honeymoon.
I'll be right back! Alrighty.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Who's that? ALBERT: Albert, sir.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Albert.
I'm opening the door for you, Albert.
Hey, what's all this? The basket of fruit is compliments of Mr.
Stephens, the manager.
And the bottle of champagne was ordered to be delivered to your room.
Oh, yeah? And what about you? Well, there's a card on the bottle, sir.
Oh.
Good night.
Yeah, good night.
Wait a minute.
Let me take care of you.
Oh, no, no, no.
Checkout time.
Got a feeling Albert's going to cost me an arm and a leg.
Let's see what the card says here.
"To the happy couple.
"We hope this adds a little sparkle to your honeymoon.
Love, Mike and Gloria.
" I see the meathead puts his name first.
And I bet it was Gloria's idea.
So what have we got here? New York champagne.
Hmm.
Well, that's a phony label.
They don't grow raisins in New York.
There.
Here we are.
Good old bubbles.
[POPS.]
EDITH: Oh! Archie! It's champagne! Come on out, Edie.
It's a surprise out here! EDITH: What surprise? The kids! The kids.
They sent us a bottle of champagne.
EDITH: Oh, ain't that sweet? Well, come on out, now, and get some.
EDITH: I'm coming! [ARCHIE CLEARS THROAT.]
Here I am.
Gee, Edie.
You know, you look kind of pretty standing there.
Is that the same dress you was wearing when I first seen you come through that bathroom door? Oh, no, Archie, I just got this at Bloomingdale's.
Gee, that's funny.
You look just like you did Thank you, Archie! Come on.
Come on! Let's kill this bottle of champagne, hey? Uh-huh.
Wait! I'm going to make a toast.
Thank you for a wonderful Wow, Edith.
Thank you too.
After all, I couldn't have did it without you.
[BURPS.]
Come on! Give me that.
Uh-uh.
Ahh.
Well, Edith.
Well, what? Well, this.
Edith, come on, I've pushed the button for the elevator.
Yeah, I'm ready.
We've got 10 minutes for the bus.
We're going to be late.
Can I help you with anything, sir? Oh, that's all right, Albert.
I think I can handle it.
Oh, I'll handle it.
It's checkout time.
I knew this was going to cost me, Edith.
Look, all I got is paper.
Have you got three quarters? Hurry up.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.