Bewitched (1964) s04e12 Episode Script

Gorgeous.
Aunt Clara, why didn't you tell me you were coming? Well, I didn't know.
Now, I was home in bed, asleep and unfortunately I talk in my sleep.
Well, Aunt Clara, I'll take care of that.
Oh, thank you, dear.
You're so talented.
Sweetheart, guess who just dropped in.
Do I have to? Aunt Clara.
Just in time for Thanksgiving dinner.
Isn't that wonderful? I don't think he hears you.
- Darrin, can you hear me? - No.
I told you so.
Excuse me, Aunt Clara.
- Don't do that.
- Don't you be rude to Aunt Clara.
I was looking forward to a peaceful dinner with just the three of us.
It'll be a peaceful dinner with just the four of us.
Wanna bet? No, but she's here now, and we'll just have to make the best of it.
Come on downstairs.
Oh, no, thank you, dear.
Tabatha, now Aunt Clara will tell you all about the first Thanksgiving.
It was a blast.
We ate for three days.
- You were there? - Why, yes, of course.
Oh, what memories.
The Pilgrims.
Plymouth Rock.
Miles Standish Priscilla John Alden Boston Blackie.
No.
No, that's not quite right.
I think I'll go and check the turkey.
I think I'll make another drink.
Samantha.
Darrin.
Would you mind if I didn't stay to dinner? Why, not at all.
I mean, we want you to do what you want to do.
Well, I'd love to stay but reminiscing about Plymouth has made me homesick for the girls I knew that settled there.
I'd like to visit them.
- We understand, Aunt Clara.
- I'll make a plane reservation for you.
No, no.
No, that won't be necessary.
I know what you're thinking.
But I'm perfectly capable of getting there on my own power.
Turk ey poult down Send me back to Plymouth town You sure you don't want to take the plane? - No, thank you.
- You'd love it.
- How about a train? - No, thank you.
Wings of falcon Turk ey poult down Tak e us back to Plymouth town - Sam, where are we? - Plymouth, of course.
What are you doing here? Aunt Clara, we got caught in your jet stream.
Hey, what is this? Oh, I'm so sorry.
But don't you worry.
Now, I brought you here, and if you don't want to stay l'll zap you home.
- No, thanks.
You will not zap us home.
We will zoom home the old-fashioned way.
By jet airliner.
Sam, this is Plymouth.
- Seventeenth-century Plymouth.
- Yes.
Isn't it exciting? Well We've gotta get out of here.
They burned witches in the 17th century.
The ones they thought were witches.
Not the real ones.
The big witch hysteria didn't start until much later.
Well, I don't like even a little witch hysteria.
Sam, can't you think of some way to zap us away from here? Aunt Clara zapped us here, and she has to zap us back.
What about our clothes? How will we ever explain our clothes? Oh, don't worry, sweetheart.
That, I can handle.
Now, sweetheart, don't worry.
- Greetings to thee, stranger.
- Greetings to thee.
We have come from out of the wilderness.
We have marched nearly 20 mile this day.
I warrant thou shalt have reason for the giving of thanks.
Nay, we are poorly.
A crust of bread is all that standeth between us and starvation.
Take thee and thy family to the table of John Alden, 20 yards distance and join us with the Indians on this day of feasting.
Are thou? I mean, art thou John Alden? I am.
Imagine.
I didn't know you spoke Pilgrim.
We have been invited to dinner by John Alden.
- Good morrow.
- Greetings.
Hi there.
Everything okay? 'Tis a poor jest.
My husband meant thee no harm.
What's with him? Well, "Hi there.
Everything okay?" Is not exactly a popular 17th-century greeting.
Just follow my cue, and thou shalt be as one with the others.
Aye, so be it.
I'll feel a lot better when thine Aunt Clara getteth us the heck out of here.
Thou art groovy.
Greetings.
Why dost thou allow thy womenfolk to eat and idle? There are few enough to tend to the cooking.
Get thee to thy pots.
Don't speak to my wife in that tone of voice.
I mean, speaketh not to my wife thusly.
We'll get something to eat with the womenfolk.
Come on.
- Be careful.
- You too.
I'm so worried about you in the 17th century, I couldn't eat a thing.
Thou art very sweet.
Maybe I could force myself.
All I had for breakfast was puffed rice.
Puffed rice? 'Tis a jest.
He hath a penchant for poor jests.
This very morn, well Thou never couldst carve a roast without adding a mite of thine own blood.
'Tis the fault of this poor jester and his strange womenfolk.
Aunt Clara, are you concentrating on getting us out of here? Oh, yes.
Now, don't you worry.
- I'm getting closer.
- Oh, good.
Double, double, toil and trouble Aunt Clara, this is no time for Shakespeare.
You're supposed to zap us back home.
Well, "double, double, toil and trouble" seemed to fit the situation.
It fits.
It just doesn't work.
I don't like this dream.
It's too much work.
Maybe it isn't a dream.
But if it isn't a dream, what is it? And then he sayeth to me, "That wast no lady, that wast my wife.
" Captain Standish, I do believe I saw Phineas laugh.
The festivities doth raise my spirits, I'll not deny it.
Canst thou remember the last time thy mood was so festive? Aye, it was across the sea at the burning of a witch.
- We hanged all our witches.
Oh, it were merrier to burn them.
You I mean, thou findest pleasure at the burning of a witch? Indeed.
Wouldst thou not? Well, certainly not.
Some of my I mean, some of my closest That is, I findeth other sports more to my "fanthy.
" Fancy.
He speaks in a manner that rings strangely to the ear.
Aye, and his womenfolk are stranger.
The whole world seems strange to thee, Phineas.
Honey, we have to get out of here.
I don't like that anti-witch talk Phineas is spreading.
- It's dangerous for you.
- Now don't worry, sweetheart.
Aunt Clara is making some progress.
What do I do with this laundry bag? It's not a laundry bag, it's a pudding bag.
We have to dip it in some boiling water.
Oh, we better get a fire started under that pot.
I'll do it, honey.
- Anything else you'd like me to do? - Witch! Witch! There is a witch among us.
There is witchcraft here.
There is a witch among us.
- Who, her? - No.
Him.
Sam, where's Tabatha? Oh, she's playing with the other children.
- She thinks this is great fun.
- Oh, it is.
I wouldn't miss it for the world.
They can't really burn me as a witch, can they? - Not while I'm around.
- You don't sound too convincing.
I don't? Well, I'm certainly trying.
Ye are accused of being a witch.
'Tis a grave charge.
What say ye to it? It's ridic 'Tis ridiculous.
I art not now, nor hath I ever been a witch.
Admit to witchcraft or it will go ill with you.
You'll be burned for refusing to confess.
And if I do confess? Then you'll be burned for being a witch.
I don't supposeth thine has heard of thy Bill of Rights? Can ye not speak more plainly? What I meaneth to say "ith" I mean, is hath I no rights at all? Indeed, in this village ye do.
Speak for yourself, John.
Let us hear evidence before lighting any fires.
Aye, John, that will be done.
Tell us, Phineas, why thou hast made so grave a charge? I can explain I mean, I canst explaineth if thou wilt but remove me from these chains.
Do not free him.
It is a witch's trickery.
Were the accused truly a witch, could mere iron contain his trickery? The good woman speaketh sensibly.
- I wouldst release him from his chains.
- Very well.
Oh, poor, dear Darrin.
Now, how can a young man like him get into such trouble as this? Oh, I must help him.
Aunt Clara, just concentrate on trying to remember how to get us out of here.
Yes, yes, I understand.
I understand.
And I really will concentrate.
- Thank you.
- Oh, it's nothing at all.
Didst thou light the fire as Master Phineas hath saideth? I hath lighted the fire, but not as he hath saideth.
Didst thou strike a spark to flint? Or make heat by rubbing wood against wood? Nay, I did none of these.
I used a match.
- A what? - A match.
'Tis a sliver of wood with chemicals on it.
I have one here.
There is naught to fear.
See, 'tis out now.
This object that the accused hath called - Match.
a match may be a device of witchery.
To test it, we must find out if any one of us can light it.
- Then shall we - It wilt not work.
It has already been lighted.
It will not light again.
Silence! I only wisheth to explaineth about matches.
Silence.
Continue.
He doth not like my idea which leadeth me to believe it may be sound.
Only a witch can make a fire from a plain stick of wood.
I wouldst defend the accused.
Sam, you can't defend me.
It's too dangerous.
They believe only a witch would defend someone accused of being a witch.
That makes me the logical choice, doesn't it? You may defend the accused.
I thank thee.
First But after Phineas has presented all his evidence.
The first time the accused witched me, I almost dropped a turkey.
It didst not satisfy such as he.
When I carved the fowl, he wrought his witchery again causing me to cut my finger.
And if that is not sufficient for ye I wouldst report his conjuring this very morn.
How did ye greet me this morn? "Good morrow"? "Good day"? "Greetings to thee"? No.
No.
None of these.
This witch didst raise his hand thusly and spake the conjure words: "Hi there.
Everything okay?" How dost thou know that this be witchery? Aye, I find the same question at my lips.
If this be not witchery, what else couldst it be? It were not a greeting known to mortal man.
Host thou not noticed a strangeness in his speech, captain? Aye, that I have.
What be this strangeness of speech and manner? Why doth he speak and act and look different than all of us if it weren't for the witchery within the man? Woman, hast thou anything to say in his defence? Aye.
First, I wouldst congratulate Master Phineas.
He hath shown us a way out of difficulties that all can follow.
Art thou clumsy? 'Tis not thine own fault.
Cry witch.
Art thou forgetful? Blame not thyself.
Cry witch.
Whatever thy failings, take not the fault upon thyself.
'Tis more a comfort to place it on another.
And how do we decide who is the witch? 'Tis simple.
Again, Master Phineas hath shown us the way.
Doth someone speak differently from thee? A sign of witchery.
Doth he show different mannerisms? Witchery, of course.
And should we not find differences in speech and manner to support a charge of witchery, be of good cheer.
There are other differences.
What of he who looketh different? What of she whose name hath a different sound? If one examineth one's neighbours closely he will find differences enough so that no one is safe from the charge of witchery.
But is that what we seek in this New World? Methinks not.
The hope of this world lieth in our acceptance of all differences and a recognition of our common humanity.
Hear, hear, hear.
But what of the witch's stick? No fine words canst prove that he who maketh fire with a stick of wood be not the witch.
The honour of such a test doth go to the man who hath brought the charges to clearly prove that he himself is not a witch.
Are you afraid to strike the witch's stick? Since Phineas hath made the witch's stick to light he must confess himself a witch else he must withdraw all the charges made against the accused.
Samantha.
Samantha.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
It just came back to me.
It came back to me in a flash.
It wasn't a flash, really.
It was a flame.
- Yes.
- The match reminded me of Master Phineas hath withdrawn his charge against the accused.
Wing of fire, eye of flame We hold the accused innocent and free him of his binds.
Tak e us back To whence we came Where's Tabatha? Oh, hi, sweetie.
My goodness, you've had quite a day, haven't you? Oh, I hope I didn't leave anything out of that incantation.
Like what? Like Darrin.
Darrin? Darrin? Darrin! Darrin! - Darrin! - Sam! Abner.
Abner! Wait till you see this.
Abner.
When you see this you'll know that all the other times you thought I was just dreaming you'll know I was just dreaming.
Oh, poor Mrs.
Kravitz.
Darling, it's delicious.
Oh, you sure it isn't overcooked? No, it's perfect.
The truth is, you usually undercook turkey.
This is just the way I like it.
You've hated all the other turkeys I've ever cooked for you? No, they were all delicious.
This one, naturally, is super delicious.
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
Well, it's better than those tough wild turkeys we had in Plymouth.
Aunt Clara, will you please pass the cranberry sauce and talk about something else? - Here.
Well, yes, there is something I want to talk about.
Now, Christmas will be here soon.
Now, I have an idea where to spend it that would be very enjoyable and very educational for Tabatha too.
Now, look here.
Now, how many children have the opportunity to meet Santa Claus? And after all, the North Pole isn't so very far away.
We could all go there the day before Christmas.