Bojack Horseman (2014) s04e12 Episode Script

1 [PRINCESS CAROLYN.]
I got into this business because I love stories.
They comfort us, they inspire us, they create a context for how we experience the world.
But also, you have to be careful, because if you spend a lot of time with stories, you start to believe that life is just stories, and it's not.
Life is life, and that's so sad, because there's so little time and What are we doing with it? [CLOCKS TICKING.]
Thank you.
When Princess Carolyn told me we were pitching to whattimeisitrightnow.
com, I was excited, because in so many ways, the story I'm about to tell is about time.
And it's about time this story was told.
- Ooh! - Ahh! [FLIP.]
It's about Detective John Philbert, a man from another time.
[SIGHS.]
[FLIP.]
But now he finds himself in a new time.
I'm sorry, did you say newt time? No, no, new time.
Oh, so it's not like a time full of newts? No.
Unless you want it to be a time full of newts.
No, no, no, no.
I'm just clarifying.
Okay.
He finds himself in a time he doesn't understand.
- [SIGHS.]
- [PHONE DIALING.]
- [MAN.]
Don't call this number again.
- Wait.
I I just My mother, she's senile, and she was drugging the coffee.
That's why Just I wanted you to know that none of this was Hollyhock's fault.
[MAN.]
Goodbye, BoJack.
[FLIP.]
A time in which he is alone.
Perhaps, all this time, he's been alone.
Except for the newts, right? Hmm.
Yeah.
Except for the newts.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
And then it dawns on him, his partner isn't a ghost.
Or is he? - Wow! - As we like to say here, there are little hand ideas and big hand ideas.
And that's a big hand idea.
And you said BoJack Horseman is attached? What? Oh, yeah.
BoJack is attached.
But he's not like "attached" attached.
If you want us to get somebody better Oh, no, no, no.
We love BoJack.
Yeah.
We don't wanna do this without BoJack, just to be clear.
- Well - Oh, he's definitely attached.
He signed a contract.
I saw it myself.
Oh, right.
Yeah, yeah.
[GULPS.]
So if you look to the left, you'll see a charming little breakfast nook.
- Oh! - [GASPS.]
Look at that! But if you want more natural light, you could knock down that wall and put in these - French doors! - That is so cool! - You actually don't have to yell.
- Wait, Diane.
Are we in the same house right now? - I don't see you.
- I can hear you.
I think we're close! You can't see each other in the program.
So I'm invisible? Oh, in this scenario, am I a ghost? Of a Union soldier, perhaps, who cannot rest until his final letter is delivered! And can I be Anne of Green Gables? No, you're both still you.
Diane, can I talk to you alone for a moment? - Oh, I can step out - Sure! Why don't you meet me in the guest bathroom? Ow! - You don't have to.
- Where's - Hold on.
I think - Guys, I can just - Here we are.
- Diane? No.
Careful.
Okay.
- Do you really love this house? - Yeah, it's fine.
I didn't love the old house, but it was your house and I moved in, and it was great.
But this is an opportunity to build something together.
Something that'll last for the rest of our lives.
Anything you want is gonna be good with me.
Just like your old house.
But I don't want this to just be another one of my houses.
I want this to be our house.
And it will be, because we'll both be living in it.
Mr.
Peanutbutter, I don't need anything fancy.
All that matters to me is that I get to live with you.
- In the real world.
- Oh! No more campaign, no more ex-wives.
Just Diane and Mr.
Peanutbutter, back to normal.
- For the rest of our lives.
- That sounds great.
- We'll take it.
- One second, though, - I have to use the bathroom.
- No, no, no, that's not You completely humiliated me in front of Sha Na Na! [THE HORSE.]
How was I supposed to Sha Na know they were going to invite me on the stage to do a guitar solo? [SABRINA.]
You're supposed to be my dad.
You're supposed to be looking out for me.
[GROANS.]
[SABRINA.]
You're the worst dad in the world! [THE HORSE.]
Well, too bad I'm the only dad you got.
[SABRINA GRUNTS.]
- [DOORBELL CHIMES.]
- [BOTH.]
Huh? [THE HORSE.]
O.
J.
Simpson lawyer and DNA expert Barry Scheck? - [SCHECK.]
My car broke down.
- [SABRINA.]
What? [SCHECK.]
I guess it ran out of juice.
Hi.
Yeah, my mom is a resident.
I've still got a bunch of her stuff.
Don't put me on hold.
Just take a message [SABRINA.]
Wait, wait! You're a DNA expert? Could I use DNA to find my real family? [SCHECK.]
Well, sometimes, DNA can be a tricky thing.
Like, for example, was Simpson DNA found at the scene of the murder of Nicole Brown? Sure.
Was it O.
J.
Simpson's DNA? - Who's to say? - Oh.
Maybe it was some other Simpson, like his son, or his father.
There's no way to know.
I wouldn't worry about it.
That's too much, man [DOORBELL CHIMES.]
- Oh.
- Hey, buddy.
- Uh-oh.
- She had a long day of drinking.
I figured she shouldn't drive herself home.
- Good thinking.
- Yeah.
I was right too, - because she crashed her car.
- What? I probably should've said something, but You need to get your shit together.
Wha Where am I? Okay, so you know how you're always giving pep talks to people, telling them they need to get their shit together? Well, this is me giving you the Princess Carolyn pep talk.
Why am I tied up in the woods? So you can't escape my wise words.
Is that not part of it? I couldn't remember.
It doesn't matter.
It's all over for me.
When it gets out I faked BoJack's signature, the deal's gonna fall apart.
There goes my reputation, my career Well, there's more to life than just your career, isn't there? - Is there? - Isn't there? I have nothing! Oh! This pep talk is going in the wrong direction.
Do you know how hard it is to start a family at my age? To find a guy at my age? You don't need a guy to start a family.
You're Princess Carolyn.
You can do anything.
No, I can't.
Look, the woods are dark and scary, but the only way out is through.
I'm sorry.
I got distracted by the woods.
- Um, what were we talking about? - No, you're right.
The only way out is through.
I gotta talk to BoJack.
I gotta stop feeling sorry for myself.
I'm Princess Carolyn.
That's the spirit! As my blood type always says, "B" positive! - What was that? - I don't know.
- Oh! - Oh! - Hey, Doctor Picarello.
- [GROANING.]
Doctor Picarello, are you okay? - [GROWLING.]
- Todd? - [ALL SNARLING.]
- [DRILL WHIRRING.]
So it turns out Vice Chancellor Laughing Gassy got rabies from quarrelling with an old raccoon.
And then he started biting everyone, and now a bunch of them have rabies.
Who could have predicted my innocent clown dentist venture could turn into something so terrifying? I don't see how this concerns me.
Yolanda, the only reason they're in the woods at all is because of you.
If people find out the Better Business Bureau is behind this, you don't think you'll be getting a buzz from the Business Branch of the Board of Better Bureaus? You're right! We have to do something before someone gets hurt.
Call me four out of five dentists, because I agree.
What? Here we are.
The rest of our lives.
Yeah, wow.
- Do you wanna go to Hawaii? - What? Right now? Yeah! When's the last time we did something impulsive? Well, you did run for governor without giving it much I just think we could use a vacation.
Things have been so crazy this last year.
Before we start the rest of our lives, haven't we earned a break? All right.
Let's go to Hawaii! They got that bridge that's just sitting there.
- We might as well use it.
- All right! Hawaii, here we come! All right! Hawaii! Hawaii! - [HORNS HONKING.]
- [DIANE.]
Oh.
- [MR.
PEANUTBUTTER SIGHS.]
- [GULLS SQUAWKING.]
So, listen.
As you know, one of the differences - between agents and managers - Oh, my God.
Stop.
- Please stop.
- I'm producing a new TV show.
It's a phenomenal script which may or may not involve ghost or newts.
- Does it involve ghost or newts? - It may! - You haven't read it, have you? - Read it? I'm producing it! - Right.
- It's this gritty, hard-boiled mystery - Ugh! I'm so sick of mysteries.
- Right, well They're impossible to figure out.
Then all of a sudden, some random detail makes the hero remember a conversation that totally re-contextualizes everything, and then it all magically comes together.
- Sure, but - It's such bullshit.
Where's my random detail that's gonna suddenly make everything make sense? Because I would love that.
Well, this script is really special, and everyone wants to play the lead, from Matthew McConaughey to Matthew Perry.
- Matthew Perry? - Yeah.
But I was thinking Hold on.
Matthew Perry Hey, BoJack, which one of these pictures more says, "This daughter looks like a cool "lady that I wanna have in my life"? - Why do you ask? - I'm writing a letter to my mom and I want to include a picture.
I'm going to send it to the adoption agency.
Maybe if they still have her address on file, they can forward it to her.
Seems like a long shot.
How about a better strategy is, don't do that, and then you won't be disappointed when it doesn't work out? I'm trying everything.
I don't wanna look back at this and feel like the end of "Chandler's List," you know? - You mean "Schindler's List".
- Never saw it.
I'm talking about "Chandler's List," the sketch from when Matthew Perry hosted SNL.
- Remind me? - Okay.
So it's Chandler from "Friends", and it's World War II, and he's got this list.
And the whole time, he's like, "I'm Chandler! "Could I have a bigger list?" But then at the end, the war's over, and he's like - "Could I have had a bigger list?" - Whoa.
He's haunted because he feels like he could have done more.
You know, he's like, "Could I be any more "feeling like I could have done more?" I have to go.
Look, I'm trying to do you a favor here! [GROANS.]
[DOOR SLAMS.]
[PANTING.]
Oh.
[GASPS.]
Huh.
Huh? - [SNARLING.]
- [MUSIC PLAYING.]
Shh! Yes.
Get the magazine.
What a fine addition to your waiting room.
- Oh, no! - [DRILL WHIRRS.]
[MUSIC PLAYING AT FASTER TEMPO.]
- [SCREAMING.]
- [DRILL WHIRRING.]
[GRUNTING, GROANING.]
- Oh, God.
- [CLOWN GROWLING.]
What are we gonna do, Todd? - Guys, let's talk this out.
- [DRILL WHIRRING.]
[HORN HONKING.]
Run.
Ouchie! Ouchie! [BOTH PANTING.]
- Oh, man.
- I've never run that fast in my life.
- Me neither.
- I gotta get in better shape.
I keep saying I'm gonna run more, but it's just so hard to stay motivated.
Hmm.
Don't "hmm.
" I'm talking to you.
- [HORNS HONKING.]
- [TIRES SCREECHING.]
Can you not start and stop so much? I can't control the traffic, darling.
When the car in front of me starts, I start.
- And when it stops, I stop.
- Maybe you don't have to start every time the car in front of you starts, because you know it's gonna stop again anyway.
You could leave a little space.
- Okay.
- [ENGINE RUMBLES.]
And another car just cut in front of me because I left a little space.
Well, I'm sorry, but I'm getting carsick.
Okay.
I'm gonna get some gas.
All right.
I got the lowdown.
First of all, very important, I got you this flattened penny.
I will cherish it always.
- I'm sorry for being annoying before.
- Don't worry about it.
Here's the deal.
With this traffic, we can stay on our current trajectory and get to Hawaii just in time to spend two luxurious hours at the Honolulu Stilton, and then turn around and come back, or we can hang out here at the Thrifty Lodge at this charming halfway to Hawaii rest area and gas park.
Excuse me, we would like your finest room, please.
All our rooms are the same.
What kind of cuisine is on premises? There's a deli at the gas station across the street.
- And what are your spa hours? - There's no spa.
Okay, if I wanted to have a big gala, could I use your grand ballroom for that, or is that booked months in advance? I could settle for a Demi-ballroom in a pinch, but attire will be formal, I don't wanna upstage the venue.
We have zero ballrooms in this Thrifty Lodge.
I see.
This will do nicely.
Didn't you tell me once you always wanted a ballroom? Actually, no.
[CHUCKLES.]
What I wanted was a Belle-room.
What is that? Like a room full of bells? It's a room full of big books, with big windows and a ladder, like Belle got in "Beauty and the Beast".
- And it's called a Belle-room? - It's called a library.
But I called it a Belle-room because it was magical.
And since it was a name I made up for a room that wasn't real, that meant that it was just mine.
That's adora-Belle.
- [WOMAN.]
Hey, Seaborn! Seaborn! - What's that? You're Seaborn's Seahorse Milk, right? Ha! That's right.
Oh, man! Can I get a shellfie? That's like a shellfish version of a selfie.
- Hmm? - Go, take a picture.
It'll make their day.
- You sure? You don't mind? - I'll be in the room.
Don't stay out with your new friends too late.
Hey, guys.
I'm coming down.
What other of my things do you like? [MAN.]
Wow, yeah! Okay, so [SNORING.]
Oh.
Hey.
[JOSE.]
So the supplier said, "I really oughta give Iowa a try.
" But I said, "Buddy, Kansas City's about as far as I can go.
" Long story short, we're meeting in St.
Louis.
- [POUNDING ON DOOR.]
- Huh? - Hey! - I need to talk to Hollyhock! - She's not here.
- You have to let me see her.
Please, I flew all the way here and it's Wichita, so it's not like I got other shit to do in Wichita.
No one told you to come here.
You're the one who likes foreign movies, right? That part in "Amelie", where she listens to the guy's story? This is that part.
And I'm the guy with the story.
And I need you to be Amelie right now.
I don't like foreign movies.
I like foreign films.
Okay, you're impossible.
The rest of you, please, just listen for a second.
I know you hate me.
But for Hollyhock, please, listen.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Whole time she's staying with me, it doesn't make sense, right? If I'm her father, where is her mother? Well, that's an extremely heteronormative way - of looking at things.
- No, I'm saying, medically, where is the woman I had sex with that made her be born? Right? That's why Hollyhock came to L.
A.
in the first place.
Okay But then I thought, "What if I'm not her father?" You're not her father.
We are her fathers.
You're her fathers.
Yeah.
I know, I know.
Eight of you, each have your own cute thing, I get it.
My point is, Hollyhock and I have the same DNA, but that doesn't mean I'm her father.
You're not.
Because being a father isn't just God, I feel like you are willfully misunderstanding me.
What I am saying is, I'm not even her father biologically.
- Excuse me? - My father is her father.
- What? - Huh? [BOJACK.]
I went to every hospital and clerk house in L.
A.
I waited in lines, filled out forms, talked to anyone who would talk to me.
I wouldn't rest until I knew I'd done everything I could.
But there was no record of a little horse girl born on Hollyhock's birthday Okay, so? in L.
A.
, because Hollyhock wasn't born in L.
A.
She was born in San Francisco.
I got a little bug in my brain that my father knocked up the help.
So I went up there, and I did the whole thing again, and I found it.
The birth certificate with her mother's name, clear as day, Henrietta Platchkey.
- That's - But where is she now, right? Looked her up on Facebook.
I know what you think: "BoJack Horseman has a Facebook account?" Obviously, I didn't, because the Internet is for nerds.
But I know it's a good way to find people, so I set up an account, and I found her.
She lives in Minneapolis.
She's a nurse.
Her phone number was on her Facebook page.
And I wanted Hollyhock to have it.
- You did all that? - She has to know.
You don't have to tell her I was here.
I'll stay out of her life forever.
You can tell her I'm an asshole.
Say you found this on your own.
I don't care, but you have to tell her.
Please.
Whittagut dittagoo yittagoo gittaguys thittagink? Hittagollittagy-hittagock's stittagill frittagail.
- Guys - Littaget's jittagust tittagell hittagim whittagut hittagee wittagants tittagoo hittageer.
All right, BoJack.
- We'll tell her.
- Yeah? Yeah.
But you need to leave.
Right now.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
Welcome to the best workout routine in L.
A.
Nothing motivates like fear.
So remember, once you're in there, don't stop running.
If the clown dentists catch you, they will bite you, and they have very healthy teeth.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, but not really, right? Nope, really.
They will actually bite you, and they do actually have rabies.
Wow, guess I'm gonna really have to run.
No more excuses.
This is great.
Exactly! And don't forget Have fun in there! - [WOMAN.]
Whoo-hoo! - [MAN.]
Let's do this.
- [MAN 2.]
Let's go.
- [ALL SCREAMING.]
Well, you did it.
You made a better business.
We did it.
Between your no-nonsense approach and my the-regular-amount- of-nonsense approach, we make a pretty good team.
Yes.
I'm going back to my job.
But if anything happens here and you need me, or if you just wanna hang out again, grab a drink, you should call me sometime.
Oh, um, I should tell you, I'm actually asexual.
Yeah, I know.
So am I.
That's why I'm asking you out.
Oh! Uh, okay.
Okay.
Goodbye.
Huh.
[DOORBELL CHIMES, WHINNIES.]
- I have to talk to you.
- Make yourself at home.
I screwed up.
I'm sorry.
I promised you'd do this show.
I don't know why.
I just I needed something - I'll do it.
- What? You want me to do it, I'll do it.
God knows you've done enough for me.
[GROANS.]
What's wrong? I said I'd do it.
It's just really hard to need people.
Yeah, but Yeah.
Thank you.
Eh, it'll be good for me to get out of the house anyway.
You want a drink? - Water.
- Water? "Water" you pregnant? [CHUCKLES.]
Very much not so.
I heard you got a new boyfriend.
- We broke up.
- Oh.
Sounds like an asshole.
He was actually the first guy I ever dated who wasn't an asshole.
Well, onwards and upwards.
I heard you had a kid living with you? No.
She's got these adopted dads.
They're total dicks, but they take care of her.
- She'll have a good life.
- Oh.
- You ever think of adopting? - [SIGHS.]
- More and more lately.
- You should.
You'd be a good mom.
The world needs good moms.
I'll take that under advisement.
Well, I guess I'll see you on set.
I'm looking forward to it.
Now, back to normal.
Diane and Mr.
Peanutbutter.
Here we are.
The rest of our lives.
I wanna show you something.
I had the contractor put this together while we were gone.
Close your eyes.
- [DIANE.]
Okay - All right.
Open them.
- Oh, my God! It's - Pretty cool, huh? Why would you do this? It's what you always wanted, right? It's too much.
I didn't want it like this.
- Like what? - I don't know.
I'm sorry.
This is great.
I'm sorry.
Why would you think I would like this? Because you told me this is what you always dreamed of? I don't like big gestures like this! - How many times have I? - Yeah, but this is This was a fantasy, something that belonged to me.
- Why couldn't you have asked me - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I ever try to surprise you, or do nice things.
Do you know how much it cost to get 5,000 fake books? So I'm the bitch? Is that what you I'm sorry that I wanted to make our home feel like a place that you would want to live that could be yours as well as mine! Why is that so important to you? Because otherwise, it feels like you're a guest.
And unlike the talking candlestick in the aforementioned Disney film, I don't want you to be that.
It makes me feel shitty.
Like you're just visiting here, until the next thing and you're gonna leave me when you get bored or you find something better.
Like Katrina did.
Like Jessica did.
You can't use your ex-wives against me.
I'm just telling you how I feel.
I was trying to do a nice thing for you.
This is not how I thought this would go at all.
[SIGHS.]
Diane and Mr.
Peanutbutter.
Back to normal, right? [CHUCKLES.]
You know, sometimes I feel like our marriage is like a magic eye poster.
- I love those things.
- I know.
And it's messy.
And at first glance, it doesn't seem to make any sense.
And it's hard to figure out.
But sometimes, if you squint at it just right, everything lines up, and it's the most perfect Beautiful, amazing thing.
Yeah.
I know what you mean.
But [VOICE BREAKS.]
I'm so tired of squinting.
[CRYING.]
Oh What? - Oh, Christ.
- [RINGTONE CHIMING.]
- Hollyhock.
- Hi.
- How are you? - Listen I wanted to thank you for finding my mom.
- They told you? - Not exactly.
They have this secret dad language they think I don't understand, but it's super obvious what they're saying.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're too smart for your own good.
So, yeah, I've been talking to Henrietta on the phone and she seems really nice.
Really? Wow! I'm gonna visit her in Minneapolis.
I'm at the airport right now.
Right now? That's incredible.
No, what's incredible is this place at the airport charged me ten dollars for a cup of fruit.
- What? - And get this.
It's like 90 percent honeydew.
Are you kidding me? Why? What on-the-go jet-setter's demanding more honeydew in his or her fruit cup? Nobody ever wants honeydew, it's always there.
It is literally the worst part of everything it's in.
It's like the Jared Leto of fruits.
Thank you.
Exactly.
Mmm.
Well Anyway, they're about to start boarding, so Hollyhock, I'm sorry I didn't take better care of you.
I shouldn't have moved in with you.
It was maybe too much too fast.
- Yeah.
- But it wasn't all bad.
I mean, yeah, I got secretly drugged for months on end to the point I was living in a nightmare which I couldn't recognize my own body or understand what was happening to my brain, but, other than that, it was a pretty chill experience.
I should have protected you.
I really wanted to be a good dad to you, Hollyhock.
Well, turns out you're not my dad at all.
Yeah.
Good thing, I guess.
Yeah.
Good thing.
So, uh, Minneapolis, huh? Did you rent a car or a cab? BoJack, it's all taken care of.
- I gotta go.
- Is there anything, uh, I can do? I can upgrade your seats, or or send you better fruit.
BoJack, look, I never needed you to be a dad.
I'm going to be fine.
I told you from the beginning, I have eight dads.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Good.
But I've never had a brother.
Make way For the new time Can't wait On the sideline Making voices you don't understand People who aren't listening And no one is gonna turn my hand Away Away Can't look back and I can't look away Away Wake up great I'll wake up fine Wake up great I'll wake up fine Wake up great I'll wake up fine