Childrens Hospital (2010) s04e12 Episode Script

Hey, Val.
You smell like dirty diapers.
Then why don't you change me? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is this clown bothering you, Val? No! We were just having asweet, flirty back-and-forth.
What'd you say to me, shrimp? Nothing.
I thought so.
Mail call.
Letter for Blake.
What? The Jews want me to help them go number two? No, it says, "jury duty," not "jewie-doodie.
" Well, what -- what's jury duty? You know what the justice system is, right, Blake? I feel like this is a trick question.
Umthere is no justice system? I knew it.
Why are you always picking on me, huh? 'Cause you're a jumbo shrimp.
Oh! High five.
Hey, hey.
What's the charge? I'm an attorney.
Wrongful death.
He slapped a child in surgery, and he died.
Let me go, you shrimp.
Why did you say you were a lawyer? Because I am one.
Look, I don't have any pets or friends.
I don't watch a lot of TV, and I'm single.
So I got a law degree and passed the bar last summer.
I will totally buy that.
Glenn, Cat, if we're gonna save Owen, I'm gonna need your help.
We're in.
And if my hunch is right, the first thing we should do is pay a little visit to a certain Childrens Hospital.
Let's go.
How are you a doctor and a lawyer? Single, no pets, no friends, no TV, passed the bar.
I will totally buy that.
Right.
Oh, okay.
Hey, what do you got? So on the day of the surgery, the kid that Owen slapped to death took a Lamaze class.
Wait.
But that's for pregnant moms.
Why would -- Hey, I don't deal in "why woulds.
" I deal in "you shoulds," as in you shoulds go talk to that Lamaze teacher.
We wills.
Oh, no.
Look in the jury box.
Well, well, well.
Dr.
Owen maestro.
How the tables have turned, my friend.
Wait.
Do you know him? 'Cause that would disqualify you from serving on this jury.
No, I do not.
That'sjust the way I talk, my friend.
Are you wearing a diaper? I'm gonna be honest.
I am very nervous.
Oh, it's okay.
Just relax.
And when I'm nervous, I do cocaine.
What? Shut up.
All rise.
The honorable judge Lester Harrison presiding.
Oh, do not let me say the "N" word.
What? Why would you say that? Cocaine.
You may be seated.
Opening remarks, Ms.
Spratt? Okay.
N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n Ni-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i ckel.
Nickel! If Ihad a nickel for every time a responsible doctor was falsely accused, well, I would be one rich Objection.
I'll allow it, but you'd better be going somewhere with this, counselor.
Mm-hmm.
Sure, that boy has been in here a few times.
He's gonna make a great mom.
Hmm.
Anything unusual about him? Uh, yes.
Most of my students are pregnant women, and he was neither.
Anything else? Did he ever mention any plans to die during surgery? No.
We just did some deep-breathing exercises together.
You see, Lamaze was originally invented as just a humorous fad, but it turns out it can relax anyone.
Class that teaches you to breathe, huh? What will they teach next -- swimming? You know what, if you really want to get some information, you should talk to Sy Mittleman.
He is the biggest gossip at Childrens.
Yeah, and where can we find this "Sy Mittleman"? Keep going straight past, "have you heard?" And then take a quick right at, "oh, no she didn't.
" Front blobby.
Blobby? Take off the "B" and you'll know.
Lobby.
Got it.
Let's go.
I hope Lola's okay.
Oh, God.
Whoo! Okay.
You have got to stop doing cocaine.
Okay.
Your honor, I would like to call an expert medical witness to the stand -- myself.
Objection -- on the grounds that I'm like, "What?" I'll allow it, but you'd better be going somewhere with this, counselor.
Josh graven was suffering from benign epidermal non-carcinoma.
It's a big mole.
The chances of surviving that operation -- 0.
001%.
Owen didn't kill that kid.
A bully named chances did.
No further questions.
Dr.
Spratt, you may be an expert in the medical field.
Yep.
But you are a novice in the area of putting transparencies on overhead projectors.
No.
Hey.
Great move, bro.
Wait.
Is he your brother? No.
It's just the way I talkbro.
Ha.
You little minx.
Mr.
Mittleman, can we have a word? Got to go, girlfriend.
You hear the news? Lamaze teacher told you to come down here and talk to me.
I guess you really are the eyes and ears of this hospital.
What do you know about Josh graven, the boy who died during Owen's surgery? Listen, I heard that he was faking his illness in order to get some plastic surgery.
Sound familiar, Glenn? I had a deviated septum.
Want to hear the real skinny? You go down the morgue and you check on that little kid's body.
Talking about bodies, guess who put on a few pounds after their well-publicized nuptials? Shot in the dark -- Tilda Swinton? No.
Let's go.
One more thing.
Dr.
Valerie flame is going to be called as a surprise witness for the prosecution.
Uh-oh.
I'm gonna go to the courtroom.
You go to the morgue.
Hello.
Want to hear the news? You just called me.
And in the time you've known Dr.
Maestro, have you ever known him to berough with people? He had a bank of school lockers installed at the hospital so that he'd have something to "push nerds into.
" Hmm.
Personally, I'd be like, "guilty!" But out of respect for the court procedure, I'm all, "let's wait till the end.
" Oh! A moment, your honor.
- I'll allow it - Great.
But you'd better be going somewhere with this, counselor.
Thank you, your honor.
What, I'm not gonna allow it? I'm not gonna see where this is going? Here's the coke you asked for.
Thank God.
Two secs, judge? Two secs.
Ha! Is Dr.
Owen maestro a good person? No.
In fact, what this witness forgot to mention is that he gave two-thirds of the hospital staff crabs.
Isn't that right, Dr.
Valerie flame? Yes.
Did he give you crabs, Dr.
flame? Yes.
Yes.
This witness is biased.
Boom! No further questions.
No further questions no further questions Unh.
That was amazing.
What just happened? I am high right now.
Ah! Oh.
I got this.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I know what bullying is.
I am both a doctor and a lawyer because of overbearing parents who pushed me too hard.
Also I'm single and no pets, et cetera.
In a sense, I was bullied into becoming a huge success.
Bullying can good.
Yes, sometimes it has consequences, like a kid is slapped to death or you develop a massive cocaine habit.
Dr.
maestro slapped a kid, and that kid died.
But to hold him responsible would be like blaming John Lennon's death on Mark David Chapman.
Now, as a lawyer, I search for the truth.
But as a doctor, I can tell you it swims in and out of that magical muscle that you laypeople call"The heart.
" The defense rests.
Dr.
Maestro slapped that kid so he'd fight to live.
All in favor of innocent? Sounds like you're all too afraid to convict a bully like Owen Maestro.
Look at yourselves.
No? Okay, I will.
You -- you're like, "Uh, I'm writing with my pen.
" You're like, "I got a pen, too, but I'm not even as good as that guy.
" And you're like Stop it.
Why are you picking on us? Oh, my God.
He's right.
I've become the very thing that I condemn.
I'm a bully.
AndI'm loving it All right! Let's go over this one more time, shrimp dumplings.
Yeah, you heard me -- shrimp dumplings! Get used to it.
We, the jury, find Dr.
Owen Maestro guilty.
I'm like, "Tell me something I don't know.
" Oh! Your honor.
I have one more witness I'd like to call.
Objection.
Overruled.
Yes.
I feel I have to allow it, given my pattern with that.
Okay.
The defense would like to call to the stand Slap-murder victim Josh graven.
Young manare you now or have you ever beendead? Yes.
Yes.
No.
Order in this court! Found the kid hiding out in a drawer at the morgue playing video games and eating to-mah-to chips.
But how did he fake his death? Get this -- Lamaze.
But why? Overbearing parents.
Oh, I have the same problem.
But I'd take a slow death over a fake one any day.
Hey, guys.
I, for one, learned a very valuable lesson today.
He smells like dirty diapers.
He smells exactly like child feces.
Yeah, he totally does.
I'll allow it.
'Cause I, for one, really want to see where this is going, "clownselor.
" Attention, courtroom staff.
I've been moonlighting as a P.
A.
announcer in the hospital.
That is all.
Aah! I'm alive!