Dad's Army (1968) s04e12 Episode Script
Uninvited Guests
Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think we're on the run? We are the boys who will stop your little game We are the boys who will make you think again 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
21 But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? Now, there's no doubt about it that in modern warfare, communications are vital.
So I have sent a strong letter to the War Office demanding that we should have wireless sets.
And the strong letter demanding Bren guns, sir? We're not discussing guns now, Wilson.
Now, in the event of the wireless sets not arriving before Adolf kicks off, I intend to capture some from his first wave.
Sir, I volunteer to be in charge of the Nazi wireless set capturing party.
I'd enjoy that.
All right, we'll come to that later.
I suggest that we use bayonets, so we do not destroy the Nazi wireless machines with bullets.
Good suggestion.
I'll make a note of that.
Having obtained wireless sets, how do we send a message? They usually say, ''Calling all cars! There's a stick-up at the corner of 93rd and Seventh!'' I don't think that would help us very much, Pike.
There'll be plenty of stick-ups when Jonesy's loose with his bayonet.
Now, I have studied the correct procedure, so if you'll all pick up your wireless sets, I'll show you.
Incidentally, I'm very grateful to everybody who supplied these cocoa tins and treacle tins.
I see some had old English humbugs in.
I lost a stopping out of a tooth with a humbug.
Toffees are worse.
I broke my upper set with a toffee.
- I once choked on a gobstopper.
- That's right, Frank.
I'd forgotten.
Uncle banged me on the back.
Mum hit him for banging me too hard.
All right, don't let's go into all of this.
Marshmallows.
- I beg your pardon? - Marshmallows.
They're kinder on the teeth.
Good.
Now As you no doubt remember from your childhood, if you speak into the tin at one end you will hear the voice at the other, provided, most importantly, that you keep the string absolutely tight.
Turkish delight was nice and soft.
Frazer, Frazer! What have I just said? (JONES) We've got to be tight.
(MAINWARING) I'm asking Frazer.
I'm sorry, sir.
My mind was wandering.
With a wireless set, you cannot speak and hear at the same time.
So the correct procedure has to be adopted.
So if you'll just hang on there, I'll show you what the Show you what the correct procedure is.
- Here you are, sir.
- Right, thank you, Jones.
Now, when we first switch the set on, we're in the listening position.
So everybody listen.
- All right? - I think I Sorry, sir.
My communication cord's a bit short.
Everybody in a listening position, please.
- I think I can hear the sea.
- He must have a pilchard tin.
- Wilson, put that to your ear, will you? - Sorry, there's a humbug stuck to the bottom.
- I'd like to have it.
- Hoick it out with this.
- Leave it where it is for the time being.
- All right.
Sorry, sir.
We'll do it later.
Now, I put the microphone to my mouth and I speak into it thus.
(MUFFLED ) - Was that quite clear to everybody? - Speaking for masel', I never heard a word.
I heard your voice, sir.
It was terribly good.
I said, ''Hello, all stations.
Charlie One.
Hello, all stations.
Charlie One.
''Report my signals.
Charlie One.
Over.
'' What's Charlie One? Charlie One is Sergeant Wilson's call sign.
- Well, how do we know who's who? - It's simple.
I'm saying hello to all of you.
Wilson is Charlie One, Frazer's Charlie Two, you're Charlie Three.
But if you're speaking to me, why don't you say, ''Hello, Charlie Two''? Because you'd say that.
''Hello.
Charlie Two.
'' - I say hello to me? - No, to me.
- Why don't I say, ''Hello, Charlie One''? - Well, becausethat's not the way it's done.
Excuse me.
Are we all Charlie Ones, too? That doesn't matter.
All this side is Headquarters and we all say, ''Hello, all stations.
Charlie One.
'' Just a moment, sir.
My name really is Charlie.
Does that make any difference? No, none at all.
Right, come along.
All together, now.
(ALL MUFFLED ) Yes, that wasn't really very good, was it? Why can't we use Boy Scouts, sir? They can run fast and nip through little holes in the hedges, sir.
Boy Scouts are good at that.
- Shall we have another go? - Yes, right.
- Hello, Mr Yeatman.
- Hello, Mr Hodges.
- Sorry about your headquarters.
- Yeah, blown to bits.
- Did you suffer any personal loss? - Only my spare trousers.
- A blessing you wasn't in them.
- A splinter went through the seat.
- The good Lord was watching over you.
- He was.
I was in the boozer.
He moves in a mysterious way, his wonders to perform.
- Yes.
Is Napoleon in? - Yes.
Don't let him worry you.
The vicar says you can use his office.
Yes, I've had a word with the town clerk.
You must have somewhere to do your air-raid precautions.
Otherwise, where will we all be? - Thank you, Mr Yeatman.
- I'm glad your lot are here.
- It's been all tribulation with Mainwaring.
- Has it? Right.
- What's tribulation? - Well, it's Get off.
- Right, we'll follow with you, Wilson.
- Sir, before you go any further.
Do you know, if you pull these through, they make a noise like a chicken passing an egg? Do you know, sir? You listen, sir.
(RATTLING AND RASPING) Cluck-cluck-cluck-CLUCK! Cluck-cluck-cluck-CLUCK! Oh, heavens above - (RATTLING AND RASPING) - All right, all right, all right! That's enough! Cor blimey! What are you teaching them? Cat's cradle? - Come on, underneath this lot.
- (ALL COMPLAIN) - What do you think you're doing? - We'd better have a talk.
- I've no wish to speak to you.
- You'll have to.
Take over, Wilson, will you? Won't take a minute.
Hold that, Jones.
- Now, look here - No, YOU look here.
My HQ is out of action.
I have permission to use these premises.
- On whose authority? - See for yourself.
There you are.
Now, I'm a reasonable sort of man.
We've had our differences, but we are on the same side.
I want to be generous.
I don't want to I don't want to, you know, be stand-offish.
I'm prepared to go shares with you.
I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
This half, with your chair, you can have.
This half here is me.
Right? Draw a line here like this.
Got it? - Down the wall - Just a moment.
What are you doing? When it comes to the desk, you keep your stuff over there.
I'll keep my stuff over here.
Right? - How dare you mark my desk? - I'm only trying to be fair.
- I shall rub this out at once.
- Then I shall chalk in again.
I can chalk quicker than you can rub, mate.
There.
That'll be enough of that.
Now, you've probably noticed both the doors are in my half.
Now, I want to be fair.
I'm going to draw a chalk line on the floor, and another one like this here.
- That's Tom Tiddler's ground.
- Oh, nonsense.
You're standing on my bit.
Get off.
I have to insist on the telephone.
That has to be on my side.
Oh, no.
That is my artery of communication.
If Hitler invades, that is how I shall learn of it.
It's my artery every time a siren sounds.
If Hitler's coming, I'll take a message for you.
That stays there.
I'll give you five seconds to get out.
- One, two, three, four, five.
I'm not going.
- Oh? Oh? Right.
Wilson! Jones! Escort this person from my headquarters.
- I'm staying.
This is MY headquarters.
- Carry my orders out.
Would you mind awfully leaving the office? Look, I've got official permission.
There it is in black and white.
If you don't move out of here, you'll get this right up you and you will not like it.
- Now, look here, Gandhi - What?! Look, you haven't heard the last of this.
I'm telling you.
- Well done, Jones.
- The old cold steel, they cannot countenance it.
Right, let's resume our lecture.
- He's done it this time! - What is it? You look like a soul in torment.
Fetch the vicar.
It's Mainwaring.
I have to sit down.
I'm having a funny turn.
- You sit down.
I'll get His Reverence.
- He threatened me with a bayonet.
A bayonet! He who liveth by the sword shall die by the sword.
And that goes for bayonets, and all.
Now, you're not going over when I say ''over''.
So let's do it in turns.
All my file will say it first, then Wilson's file say it.
Right, one, two, three.
Over.
Over.
- Over.
- Over.
- That's better.
- I've got it, sir.
Can I do it on my own? - We're not quite ready for that.
- Oh, let me go solo, sir.
- Oh, very well.
- This should be good.
Hello, all stations.
Charlie One.
Hello, all stations.
Charlie One.
Report my signals, all stations.
Charlie One.
Over.
That was very good, Jones.
Excellent.
Quite correct.
Thank you very much, sir.
I bet they all thought I couldn't do that.
- You did it beautiful.
- Yes, I'm not such a fool as I may think I am.
All right, let's try it again.
Tighten your strings.
Right.
Now, keep the strings tight.
I have given Mr Hodges permission to use my office.
He's been molested.
Vicar, I'm busy.
I'll see you in my office in 20 minutes' time.
It is not your office.
It is MY office, and I have lent it to Mr Hodges.
- What did I say? I told him.
- You did.
You are interrupting vital training for the defence of the realm.
Go away.
I will not.
I want to get to my office.
Take your silly bits of string out of my way.
- I will not.
- I'll report you to the bishop and to the police.
- Don't be so damn childish.
- Don't profane His Reverence! - Don't let's have any impertinence from you.
- Oh, so that's the way it is! Follow me, Vicar.
Well, I think it's a cheek, Hodges using this as his ARP headquarters.
Mainwaring won't be pushed around.
He tried to cooperate, but Hodges is so dead common.
- You're right there, Joe.
He is common.
- I can't stand common people.
I don't think you're being fair.
Mr Hodges does a good job as ARP warden.
It's a dangerous job.
I don't say he don't do it well.
He does it uncouth.
If only Mr Mainwaring had put a curse on him.
A curse? How can he put a curse on anybody? - I've seen it done.
- When? Oh, nigh on 50 years ago, when I was trading coral in the South Seas with a friend of mine.
Was that the one that got eaten by a squid? No, son.
This was a different friend.
Jethro, his name was.
One day, we were anchored off a wee island about 20 miles west of Samoa.
Jethro told me that he'd heard that there was a ruined temple in the centre of the island, with a huge idol that had a ruby the size of a duck's egg set in its forehead.
He was determined to get it.
As soon as it was dark, we rowed ashore armed to the teeth and set off through the jungle to find the temple.
After about two hours hacking our way through the undergrowth, we came to a clearing.
And there was the temple, the ruined temple, covered with jungle creepers.
The place was deserted.
We crept inside and there it was.
A huge idol with a great ruby in its forehead.
As the shafts o' moonlight struck down through the holes in the roof, it burned like fire.
Jethro gave a cry of triumph, jumped up on the idol and hacked the ruby out of its forehead wi' his knife.
All this time, I could feel eyes horrible, unseen eyes staring at us.
I could stand it no longer.
I shouted, ''Let's get out!'' And we turned to go.
And then we saw it.
Barring our way in the doorway was the witch doctor.
He gave a scream that turned my blood tae ice.
He shook a bunch of bones in Jethro's face, and he cursed him! After all these years, I can I can still hear that terrible curse.
''Death!'' he screamed.
''Death! ''The ruby will bring ye death! ''Dea-ath!'' Did the curse come true, Mr Frazer? Aye, son, it did.
He diedlast year.
He was 86.
Right, on parade, all of you! Come on, do as the officer says! Fall in in three lines! Open order.
Take the mark from me.
Thank you, Corporal.
Now, I've had a word with area HQ, the civil defence people and the secretary of the council, who happens to be a fellow Rotarian.
I assure you, I gave them a piece of my mind.
These ARP people will be cleared out of here.
- But not this week.
- But not this All right, I'll tell them.
In the meantime, we'll behave in a true Christian manner and, as far as possible, ignore them.
Left, right! Left, right! Right wheel! Left, right! Left, right! Left, right! Right wheel! Marktime! Halt! Left turn! Very smart.
Right dress! Home Guard, left dress! All right, that's enough of that, Mainwaring.
- You started it.
- Stay in your own half.
- I've got twice as many troops as you.
- Call these troops? The Bath chair fusiliers.
(ALL COMPLAIN) - Would you like a bunch of fives up the hooter? - He's already had one.
- That's brave, innit? Ten to one.
- This town's not big enough for both of us.
Don't start anything! How dare you push me? - (SIREN) - Hello, they're here.
- Saved by the bell.
- I'll sort you out later.
To your posts! - To your duties, men.
- Mrs Cole, telephone.
Miss Robertson, map.
Make up your defence points at the Marigold Tearooms.
Patrol from there to Timothy White's.
Get the fire going.
We might be here all night.
Jones, keep your section in reserve here.
And keep that over your side! Now, look, Hodges.
I'm doing my best to tolerate your presence, but you're being insufferable.
You'll never get it alight like that.
The wood's damp.
You want a firelighter.
- I haven't got any.
- I can help you there.
- That'll get it going.
Ninepence to you.
- Oh, thanks.
Hey, Joe! Hold on, son.
That's trading with the enemy.
Yes, right.
Thank you very much.
Let me have a report in the morning.
Thank you.
Right Oi! Cut that out.
Not during an alert.
I shall be receiving a stream of reports on that.
And I shall be receiving my orders from the War Office.
(PHONE RINGS) Walmington ARP.
Number One Platoon, Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard! Yes.
It is for you, Captain Mainwaring.
Of course.
Good evening, sir.
Captain Mainwaring here.
Oh.
Hello, Elizabeth.
You can pack that in, chats with your bits of stuff.
- This happens to be my good lady.
- Tell her to cut it short.
No, no, no, I've What? Of course I can't come home.
Not just now.
If you're frightened, why don't you sit in the cupboard under the stairs, as usual? A bomb is far more dangerous than a mouse.
Look, careless talk costs lives.
- There you are.
Try another one.
- I expect some sparrow's laid a nest up there.
They do a lot of that, laying nests, in the top of the chimney.
We can have some roast sparrow.
Very tasty, very sweet.
- Ah, that's better.
- Blimey! Here, what are those made of, Joe? They're mostly made from incendiary bombs.
What? That stove is not to be ignited without the consent of the vicar.
- What? It's only a fire.
- He'll be told.
There'll be a rumpus.
Who lit it? - The wardens.
- The wardens? Did they? Cheers the place up, a nice fire, doesn't it? Yes, well, perhaps if you made a big noise, the mouse would jump down the hole.
Look, leave the mouse where it is and YOU jump down the hole.
- How dare you?! - That wasn't very kind.
You keep out of this, dear.
I haven't received a single report yet.
- (RINGS) - Hello.
Yes, yes.
Righto, Mr Yeldon.
Thank you very much.
Mr Yeldon.
They're standing by in Khyber Road.
- (RINGS) - Hello.
Yes.
Chimney on fire? Right, give me the details, will you? - Yes, fine.
Get this down, Mrs Cole.
- Yes.
There's That's the end, dear.
Look, we can't have vital communications blocked by this trivia.
There's nothing trivial about a chimney on fire.
An enemy bomber could see it miles away.
Where is it? Right.
A large building next to St Aldhelm's Church, Mortimer Road.
Ready.
- A large building next to St - A large? - Large A large building.
- Large Building, yes.
Next to St Aldhelm's Worse than your lot, she is.
Mortimer Road.
- Road? - Road.
R-O-A-D.
Right.
Get on to the fire brigade.
- Now what are you up to? - Please, Vicar, we're busy.
- Do you realise you've set the chimney on fire? - The stove has become a raging fiery furnace! Fiery furnace? Just a minute.
This is a large building next to St Aldhelm's Church.
Cor blimey! Get out of the way! - He lit it.
- His firelighters did it.
Normally they don't burn.
- Wilson? - It happened in the nursery.
Nanny used salt.
Blimey, it's a fire, not a pigeon.
Sir, I have the fire brigade now.
Shall I ask them to pop round? Certainly not.
Make us a laughing stock? Gerald, you and I, up the tower.
- With the pumps? - Yes.
Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring.
Do you have the key of the cupboard? I can bring bandages.
Bog peat, Mr Mainwaring! One barrel of bog peat would put that fire out.
- Be sensible.
- I've seen it.
Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring! Captain Mainwaring! Captain Mainwaring! - What is it, Jones? - The chimney's on fire.
- I know that! - Yes, well, if you lean out, sir, you can see.
It's like a Roman candle, all the sparks.
You've got to be careful, sir, because there's a 40-foot drop down here, you know Agh! Oh, thank you, Mr Mainwaring.
You saved my life.
I won't forget that, Mr Mainwaring.
- Oh, get out of the way.
Pike, give me a lift up.
- Yes, sir.
- Get inside, Jones.
- I can't, Mr Mainwaring.
I'm sitting on the window catch and it's made of cold steel, and every time I move it goes in a funny position and I don't like it, Mr Mainwaring.
Now, look.
There's a ledge out here.
I'm going to inch along it and see if I can get to the roof.
What's going on? Get out of the way! This is an ARP matter.
Come on, off there.
- I'm in an embarrassing position.
- What? - His trousers are hooked.
- Get your trousers off.
- Not in front of His Reverence.
- Come on, get your trousers off! Stop it! Stop it! Get out of it! - What's going on here? Leave him alone.
- They're trying to take my trousers off.
Don't be neurotic, Jones.
- Wilson! - Yes, sir.
There's a gap between the tower and the roof.
Hand me a plank.
I'll put it across.
- I haven't got a plank.
Why should I have one? - Here's a ladder.
What about that? Well done.
Well done, Walker.
Shove it out.
- Oh! - What's the matter? I have relieved myself, sir.
It's quite all right.
- He's not very nice, is he? - Hang on.
I can't do it that way.
Hang on.
- Get it off the banisters.
Right.
- Here we go.
- No! Let me in! - Back inside.
Oh, thank you, Mr Mainwaring.
Thank you.
You saved my life.
I won't forget that.
- Grab the ladder.
- Get it on the edge of the sill.
Hurry up! A German bomber will see that chimney on fire for miles.
All right.
Careful, careful, careful.
Jones! Get up! Oh, thank you, Mr Mainwaring.
You saved my life again.
Come on, now.
Round the corner.
- Mind that crumbling bit on the corner.
- Right, sir.
Right, sir.
There we are.
Blimey, I don't like this.
I get verdigris terrible.
Where are you going with that bucket of sand? I've been polishing that hall for 30 years, sir.
I can't see it go up like a bundle of kindling.
Right, I think it's firm enough now.
Right, sir.
I will test it.
I'll test the ladder.
- Hurry up, you old fool.
Don't talk so much.
- Righto.
All right so far.
Jones, when you get on the other side, edge your way along the roof.
- See if you can reach - Right, sir.
See if you can reach the chimney from there.
Pike, Walker.
Get down on the catwalk and see if you can work your pump from there.
Go across? - They need water.
- There are buckets down in the hall.
- Come on, Godfrey.
Aren't you coming? - No, I'm going to pass it through.
Come on, grandad! Hurry up! Come on, Verger.
Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring! If I had a If I had a bucket of water, I could throw it down the chimney.
Pass water.
Pass the word back for water.
- Hurry up, hurry up! - There you are.
- More.
- Oh, Lord! - Water coming! - Water coming! - Water coming! - Water coming! Water coming Oh! Missed! More water! More water! (VERGER) I've still got a bucket of sand here.
(WARDEN) Well, go and Water coming! Missed! More water! - Blimey! How much more? Are you ready, Joe? - Yeah, almost.
You're not having this one.
I'm gonna do it.
More water! Start pumping, Joe! (JONES) More water! More water! Get more water! - More water! - Get more water Agh! You saved my life! You remind me of Mr Mainwaring.
More water! Come along! More water! Come along.
- All right, quick as we can.
- More water! - It's your church.
Get it yourself.
- I agree.
Go on, Godfrey.
Get some more water.
Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring! If I slide down the roof, I can get next to the chimney.
I'll draw myself up to my full height and I will pour the water down the chimney.
- Don't talk so much and get on with it! - Very good, sir.
Right away, sir.
It hot! It's hot in a funny place, sir! I can't, sir.
I'm on fire! I'm on fire! Don't worry, Mr Jones.
I'll put you out.
Start pumping, Joe! - Mr Mainwaring! - What? I think they've put me out.
- The fire's gone out.
- How did that happen? When I went down the last time, I put some salt on it.
Well done, my men! Get back to the tower.
Careful how you go.
You be careful, Mr Mainwaring.
This ladder's poised on the edge of the It's smashed to smithereens, sir.
You'll have to stay up there for a wee while.
- Wilson! - Yes? - Go to the builder's yard and get a ladder.
- That'll take half an hour.
Get the fire brigade.
- Not likely.
- You're dry.
I'm soaking wet.
That's your fault for chucking water about.
- You wouldn't say that if you was wet! - Oh, yes, I would.
(THUNDER) Now's your chance to try, innit? - Wilson! - What is it now? Perhaps if the fire brigade aren't doing anything else, they wouldn't mind popping round.
21 But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? Now, there's no doubt about it that in modern warfare, communications are vital.
So I have sent a strong letter to the War Office demanding that we should have wireless sets.
And the strong letter demanding Bren guns, sir? We're not discussing guns now, Wilson.
Now, in the event of the wireless sets not arriving before Adolf kicks off, I intend to capture some from his first wave.
Sir, I volunteer to be in charge of the Nazi wireless set capturing party.
I'd enjoy that.
All right, we'll come to that later.
I suggest that we use bayonets, so we do not destroy the Nazi wireless machines with bullets.
Good suggestion.
I'll make a note of that.
Having obtained wireless sets, how do we send a message? They usually say, ''Calling all cars! There's a stick-up at the corner of 93rd and Seventh!'' I don't think that would help us very much, Pike.
There'll be plenty of stick-ups when Jonesy's loose with his bayonet.
Now, I have studied the correct procedure, so if you'll all pick up your wireless sets, I'll show you.
Incidentally, I'm very grateful to everybody who supplied these cocoa tins and treacle tins.
I see some had old English humbugs in.
I lost a stopping out of a tooth with a humbug.
Toffees are worse.
I broke my upper set with a toffee.
- I once choked on a gobstopper.
- That's right, Frank.
I'd forgotten.
Uncle banged me on the back.
Mum hit him for banging me too hard.
All right, don't let's go into all of this.
Marshmallows.
- I beg your pardon? - Marshmallows.
They're kinder on the teeth.
Good.
Now As you no doubt remember from your childhood, if you speak into the tin at one end you will hear the voice at the other, provided, most importantly, that you keep the string absolutely tight.
Turkish delight was nice and soft.
Frazer, Frazer! What have I just said? (JONES) We've got to be tight.
(MAINWARING) I'm asking Frazer.
I'm sorry, sir.
My mind was wandering.
With a wireless set, you cannot speak and hear at the same time.
So the correct procedure has to be adopted.
So if you'll just hang on there, I'll show you what the Show you what the correct procedure is.
- Here you are, sir.
- Right, thank you, Jones.
Now, when we first switch the set on, we're in the listening position.
So everybody listen.
- All right? - I think I Sorry, sir.
My communication cord's a bit short.
Everybody in a listening position, please.
- I think I can hear the sea.
- He must have a pilchard tin.
- Wilson, put that to your ear, will you? - Sorry, there's a humbug stuck to the bottom.
- I'd like to have it.
- Hoick it out with this.
- Leave it where it is for the time being.
- All right.
Sorry, sir.
We'll do it later.
Now, I put the microphone to my mouth and I speak into it thus.
(MUFFLED ) - Was that quite clear to everybody? - Speaking for masel', I never heard a word.
I heard your voice, sir.
It was terribly good.
I said, ''Hello, all stations.
Charlie One.
Hello, all stations.
Charlie One.
''Report my signals.
Charlie One.
Over.
'' What's Charlie One? Charlie One is Sergeant Wilson's call sign.
- Well, how do we know who's who? - It's simple.
I'm saying hello to all of you.
Wilson is Charlie One, Frazer's Charlie Two, you're Charlie Three.
But if you're speaking to me, why don't you say, ''Hello, Charlie Two''? Because you'd say that.
''Hello.
Charlie Two.
'' - I say hello to me? - No, to me.
- Why don't I say, ''Hello, Charlie One''? - Well, becausethat's not the way it's done.
Excuse me.
Are we all Charlie Ones, too? That doesn't matter.
All this side is Headquarters and we all say, ''Hello, all stations.
Charlie One.
'' Just a moment, sir.
My name really is Charlie.
Does that make any difference? No, none at all.
Right, come along.
All together, now.
(ALL MUFFLED ) Yes, that wasn't really very good, was it? Why can't we use Boy Scouts, sir? They can run fast and nip through little holes in the hedges, sir.
Boy Scouts are good at that.
- Shall we have another go? - Yes, right.
- Hello, Mr Yeatman.
- Hello, Mr Hodges.
- Sorry about your headquarters.
- Yeah, blown to bits.
- Did you suffer any personal loss? - Only my spare trousers.
- A blessing you wasn't in them.
- A splinter went through the seat.
- The good Lord was watching over you.
- He was.
I was in the boozer.
He moves in a mysterious way, his wonders to perform.
- Yes.
Is Napoleon in? - Yes.
Don't let him worry you.
The vicar says you can use his office.
Yes, I've had a word with the town clerk.
You must have somewhere to do your air-raid precautions.
Otherwise, where will we all be? - Thank you, Mr Yeatman.
- I'm glad your lot are here.
- It's been all tribulation with Mainwaring.
- Has it? Right.
- What's tribulation? - Well, it's Get off.
- Right, we'll follow with you, Wilson.
- Sir, before you go any further.
Do you know, if you pull these through, they make a noise like a chicken passing an egg? Do you know, sir? You listen, sir.
(RATTLING AND RASPING) Cluck-cluck-cluck-CLUCK! Cluck-cluck-cluck-CLUCK! Oh, heavens above - (RATTLING AND RASPING) - All right, all right, all right! That's enough! Cor blimey! What are you teaching them? Cat's cradle? - Come on, underneath this lot.
- (ALL COMPLAIN) - What do you think you're doing? - We'd better have a talk.
- I've no wish to speak to you.
- You'll have to.
Take over, Wilson, will you? Won't take a minute.
Hold that, Jones.
- Now, look here - No, YOU look here.
My HQ is out of action.
I have permission to use these premises.
- On whose authority? - See for yourself.
There you are.
Now, I'm a reasonable sort of man.
We've had our differences, but we are on the same side.
I want to be generous.
I don't want to I don't want to, you know, be stand-offish.
I'm prepared to go shares with you.
I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
This half, with your chair, you can have.
This half here is me.
Right? Draw a line here like this.
Got it? - Down the wall - Just a moment.
What are you doing? When it comes to the desk, you keep your stuff over there.
I'll keep my stuff over here.
Right? - How dare you mark my desk? - I'm only trying to be fair.
- I shall rub this out at once.
- Then I shall chalk in again.
I can chalk quicker than you can rub, mate.
There.
That'll be enough of that.
Now, you've probably noticed both the doors are in my half.
Now, I want to be fair.
I'm going to draw a chalk line on the floor, and another one like this here.
- That's Tom Tiddler's ground.
- Oh, nonsense.
You're standing on my bit.
Get off.
I have to insist on the telephone.
That has to be on my side.
Oh, no.
That is my artery of communication.
If Hitler invades, that is how I shall learn of it.
It's my artery every time a siren sounds.
If Hitler's coming, I'll take a message for you.
That stays there.
I'll give you five seconds to get out.
- One, two, three, four, five.
I'm not going.
- Oh? Oh? Right.
Wilson! Jones! Escort this person from my headquarters.
- I'm staying.
This is MY headquarters.
- Carry my orders out.
Would you mind awfully leaving the office? Look, I've got official permission.
There it is in black and white.
If you don't move out of here, you'll get this right up you and you will not like it.
- Now, look here, Gandhi - What?! Look, you haven't heard the last of this.
I'm telling you.
- Well done, Jones.
- The old cold steel, they cannot countenance it.
Right, let's resume our lecture.
- He's done it this time! - What is it? You look like a soul in torment.
Fetch the vicar.
It's Mainwaring.
I have to sit down.
I'm having a funny turn.
- You sit down.
I'll get His Reverence.
- He threatened me with a bayonet.
A bayonet! He who liveth by the sword shall die by the sword.
And that goes for bayonets, and all.
Now, you're not going over when I say ''over''.
So let's do it in turns.
All my file will say it first, then Wilson's file say it.
Right, one, two, three.
Over.
Over.
- Over.
- Over.
- That's better.
- I've got it, sir.
Can I do it on my own? - We're not quite ready for that.
- Oh, let me go solo, sir.
- Oh, very well.
- This should be good.
Hello, all stations.
Charlie One.
Hello, all stations.
Charlie One.
Report my signals, all stations.
Charlie One.
Over.
That was very good, Jones.
Excellent.
Quite correct.
Thank you very much, sir.
I bet they all thought I couldn't do that.
- You did it beautiful.
- Yes, I'm not such a fool as I may think I am.
All right, let's try it again.
Tighten your strings.
Right.
Now, keep the strings tight.
I have given Mr Hodges permission to use my office.
He's been molested.
Vicar, I'm busy.
I'll see you in my office in 20 minutes' time.
It is not your office.
It is MY office, and I have lent it to Mr Hodges.
- What did I say? I told him.
- You did.
You are interrupting vital training for the defence of the realm.
Go away.
I will not.
I want to get to my office.
Take your silly bits of string out of my way.
- I will not.
- I'll report you to the bishop and to the police.
- Don't be so damn childish.
- Don't profane His Reverence! - Don't let's have any impertinence from you.
- Oh, so that's the way it is! Follow me, Vicar.
Well, I think it's a cheek, Hodges using this as his ARP headquarters.
Mainwaring won't be pushed around.
He tried to cooperate, but Hodges is so dead common.
- You're right there, Joe.
He is common.
- I can't stand common people.
I don't think you're being fair.
Mr Hodges does a good job as ARP warden.
It's a dangerous job.
I don't say he don't do it well.
He does it uncouth.
If only Mr Mainwaring had put a curse on him.
A curse? How can he put a curse on anybody? - I've seen it done.
- When? Oh, nigh on 50 years ago, when I was trading coral in the South Seas with a friend of mine.
Was that the one that got eaten by a squid? No, son.
This was a different friend.
Jethro, his name was.
One day, we were anchored off a wee island about 20 miles west of Samoa.
Jethro told me that he'd heard that there was a ruined temple in the centre of the island, with a huge idol that had a ruby the size of a duck's egg set in its forehead.
He was determined to get it.
As soon as it was dark, we rowed ashore armed to the teeth and set off through the jungle to find the temple.
After about two hours hacking our way through the undergrowth, we came to a clearing.
And there was the temple, the ruined temple, covered with jungle creepers.
The place was deserted.
We crept inside and there it was.
A huge idol with a great ruby in its forehead.
As the shafts o' moonlight struck down through the holes in the roof, it burned like fire.
Jethro gave a cry of triumph, jumped up on the idol and hacked the ruby out of its forehead wi' his knife.
All this time, I could feel eyes horrible, unseen eyes staring at us.
I could stand it no longer.
I shouted, ''Let's get out!'' And we turned to go.
And then we saw it.
Barring our way in the doorway was the witch doctor.
He gave a scream that turned my blood tae ice.
He shook a bunch of bones in Jethro's face, and he cursed him! After all these years, I can I can still hear that terrible curse.
''Death!'' he screamed.
''Death! ''The ruby will bring ye death! ''Dea-ath!'' Did the curse come true, Mr Frazer? Aye, son, it did.
He diedlast year.
He was 86.
Right, on parade, all of you! Come on, do as the officer says! Fall in in three lines! Open order.
Take the mark from me.
Thank you, Corporal.
Now, I've had a word with area HQ, the civil defence people and the secretary of the council, who happens to be a fellow Rotarian.
I assure you, I gave them a piece of my mind.
These ARP people will be cleared out of here.
- But not this week.
- But not this All right, I'll tell them.
In the meantime, we'll behave in a true Christian manner and, as far as possible, ignore them.
Left, right! Left, right! Right wheel! Left, right! Left, right! Left, right! Right wheel! Marktime! Halt! Left turn! Very smart.
Right dress! Home Guard, left dress! All right, that's enough of that, Mainwaring.
- You started it.
- Stay in your own half.
- I've got twice as many troops as you.
- Call these troops? The Bath chair fusiliers.
(ALL COMPLAIN) - Would you like a bunch of fives up the hooter? - He's already had one.
- That's brave, innit? Ten to one.
- This town's not big enough for both of us.
Don't start anything! How dare you push me? - (SIREN) - Hello, they're here.
- Saved by the bell.
- I'll sort you out later.
To your posts! - To your duties, men.
- Mrs Cole, telephone.
Miss Robertson, map.
Make up your defence points at the Marigold Tearooms.
Patrol from there to Timothy White's.
Get the fire going.
We might be here all night.
Jones, keep your section in reserve here.
And keep that over your side! Now, look, Hodges.
I'm doing my best to tolerate your presence, but you're being insufferable.
You'll never get it alight like that.
The wood's damp.
You want a firelighter.
- I haven't got any.
- I can help you there.
- That'll get it going.
Ninepence to you.
- Oh, thanks.
Hey, Joe! Hold on, son.
That's trading with the enemy.
Yes, right.
Thank you very much.
Let me have a report in the morning.
Thank you.
Right Oi! Cut that out.
Not during an alert.
I shall be receiving a stream of reports on that.
And I shall be receiving my orders from the War Office.
(PHONE RINGS) Walmington ARP.
Number One Platoon, Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard! Yes.
It is for you, Captain Mainwaring.
Of course.
Good evening, sir.
Captain Mainwaring here.
Oh.
Hello, Elizabeth.
You can pack that in, chats with your bits of stuff.
- This happens to be my good lady.
- Tell her to cut it short.
No, no, no, I've What? Of course I can't come home.
Not just now.
If you're frightened, why don't you sit in the cupboard under the stairs, as usual? A bomb is far more dangerous than a mouse.
Look, careless talk costs lives.
- There you are.
Try another one.
- I expect some sparrow's laid a nest up there.
They do a lot of that, laying nests, in the top of the chimney.
We can have some roast sparrow.
Very tasty, very sweet.
- Ah, that's better.
- Blimey! Here, what are those made of, Joe? They're mostly made from incendiary bombs.
What? That stove is not to be ignited without the consent of the vicar.
- What? It's only a fire.
- He'll be told.
There'll be a rumpus.
Who lit it? - The wardens.
- The wardens? Did they? Cheers the place up, a nice fire, doesn't it? Yes, well, perhaps if you made a big noise, the mouse would jump down the hole.
Look, leave the mouse where it is and YOU jump down the hole.
- How dare you?! - That wasn't very kind.
You keep out of this, dear.
I haven't received a single report yet.
- (RINGS) - Hello.
Yes, yes.
Righto, Mr Yeldon.
Thank you very much.
Mr Yeldon.
They're standing by in Khyber Road.
- (RINGS) - Hello.
Yes.
Chimney on fire? Right, give me the details, will you? - Yes, fine.
Get this down, Mrs Cole.
- Yes.
There's That's the end, dear.
Look, we can't have vital communications blocked by this trivia.
There's nothing trivial about a chimney on fire.
An enemy bomber could see it miles away.
Where is it? Right.
A large building next to St Aldhelm's Church, Mortimer Road.
Ready.
- A large building next to St - A large? - Large A large building.
- Large Building, yes.
Next to St Aldhelm's Worse than your lot, she is.
Mortimer Road.
- Road? - Road.
R-O-A-D.
Right.
Get on to the fire brigade.
- Now what are you up to? - Please, Vicar, we're busy.
- Do you realise you've set the chimney on fire? - The stove has become a raging fiery furnace! Fiery furnace? Just a minute.
This is a large building next to St Aldhelm's Church.
Cor blimey! Get out of the way! - He lit it.
- His firelighters did it.
Normally they don't burn.
- Wilson? - It happened in the nursery.
Nanny used salt.
Blimey, it's a fire, not a pigeon.
Sir, I have the fire brigade now.
Shall I ask them to pop round? Certainly not.
Make us a laughing stock? Gerald, you and I, up the tower.
- With the pumps? - Yes.
Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring.
Do you have the key of the cupboard? I can bring bandages.
Bog peat, Mr Mainwaring! One barrel of bog peat would put that fire out.
- Be sensible.
- I've seen it.
Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring! Captain Mainwaring! Captain Mainwaring! - What is it, Jones? - The chimney's on fire.
- I know that! - Yes, well, if you lean out, sir, you can see.
It's like a Roman candle, all the sparks.
You've got to be careful, sir, because there's a 40-foot drop down here, you know Agh! Oh, thank you, Mr Mainwaring.
You saved my life.
I won't forget that, Mr Mainwaring.
- Oh, get out of the way.
Pike, give me a lift up.
- Yes, sir.
- Get inside, Jones.
- I can't, Mr Mainwaring.
I'm sitting on the window catch and it's made of cold steel, and every time I move it goes in a funny position and I don't like it, Mr Mainwaring.
Now, look.
There's a ledge out here.
I'm going to inch along it and see if I can get to the roof.
What's going on? Get out of the way! This is an ARP matter.
Come on, off there.
- I'm in an embarrassing position.
- What? - His trousers are hooked.
- Get your trousers off.
- Not in front of His Reverence.
- Come on, get your trousers off! Stop it! Stop it! Get out of it! - What's going on here? Leave him alone.
- They're trying to take my trousers off.
Don't be neurotic, Jones.
- Wilson! - Yes, sir.
There's a gap between the tower and the roof.
Hand me a plank.
I'll put it across.
- I haven't got a plank.
Why should I have one? - Here's a ladder.
What about that? Well done.
Well done, Walker.
Shove it out.
- Oh! - What's the matter? I have relieved myself, sir.
It's quite all right.
- He's not very nice, is he? - Hang on.
I can't do it that way.
Hang on.
- Get it off the banisters.
Right.
- Here we go.
- No! Let me in! - Back inside.
Oh, thank you, Mr Mainwaring.
Thank you.
You saved my life.
I won't forget that.
- Grab the ladder.
- Get it on the edge of the sill.
Hurry up! A German bomber will see that chimney on fire for miles.
All right.
Careful, careful, careful.
Jones! Get up! Oh, thank you, Mr Mainwaring.
You saved my life again.
Come on, now.
Round the corner.
- Mind that crumbling bit on the corner.
- Right, sir.
Right, sir.
There we are.
Blimey, I don't like this.
I get verdigris terrible.
Where are you going with that bucket of sand? I've been polishing that hall for 30 years, sir.
I can't see it go up like a bundle of kindling.
Right, I think it's firm enough now.
Right, sir.
I will test it.
I'll test the ladder.
- Hurry up, you old fool.
Don't talk so much.
- Righto.
All right so far.
Jones, when you get on the other side, edge your way along the roof.
- See if you can reach - Right, sir.
See if you can reach the chimney from there.
Pike, Walker.
Get down on the catwalk and see if you can work your pump from there.
Go across? - They need water.
- There are buckets down in the hall.
- Come on, Godfrey.
Aren't you coming? - No, I'm going to pass it through.
Come on, grandad! Hurry up! Come on, Verger.
Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring! If I had a If I had a bucket of water, I could throw it down the chimney.
Pass water.
Pass the word back for water.
- Hurry up, hurry up! - There you are.
- More.
- Oh, Lord! - Water coming! - Water coming! - Water coming! - Water coming! Water coming Oh! Missed! More water! More water! (VERGER) I've still got a bucket of sand here.
(WARDEN) Well, go and Water coming! Missed! More water! - Blimey! How much more? Are you ready, Joe? - Yeah, almost.
You're not having this one.
I'm gonna do it.
More water! Start pumping, Joe! (JONES) More water! More water! Get more water! - More water! - Get more water Agh! You saved my life! You remind me of Mr Mainwaring.
More water! Come along! More water! Come along.
- All right, quick as we can.
- More water! - It's your church.
Get it yourself.
- I agree.
Go on, Godfrey.
Get some more water.
Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring! If I slide down the roof, I can get next to the chimney.
I'll draw myself up to my full height and I will pour the water down the chimney.
- Don't talk so much and get on with it! - Very good, sir.
Right away, sir.
It hot! It's hot in a funny place, sir! I can't, sir.
I'm on fire! I'm on fire! Don't worry, Mr Jones.
I'll put you out.
Start pumping, Joe! - Mr Mainwaring! - What? I think they've put me out.
- The fire's gone out.
- How did that happen? When I went down the last time, I put some salt on it.
Well done, my men! Get back to the tower.
Careful how you go.
You be careful, Mr Mainwaring.
This ladder's poised on the edge of the It's smashed to smithereens, sir.
You'll have to stay up there for a wee while.
- Wilson! - Yes? - Go to the builder's yard and get a ladder.
- That'll take half an hour.
Get the fire brigade.
- Not likely.
- You're dry.
I'm soaking wet.
That's your fault for chucking water about.
- You wouldn't say that if you was wet! - Oh, yes, I would.
(THUNDER) Now's your chance to try, innit? - Wilson! - What is it now? Perhaps if the fire brigade aren't doing anything else, they wouldn't mind popping round.