Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s04e12 Episode Script
The Mother of All Fishing Trips
Bzzzzz.
Blip.
I can picture it now.
The only sounds we hear for the next two days are the lures hitting the water.
No complaining patients.
No ringing telephones.
No annoying So! When does the u.
S.
S.
Howserset sail? Oh, gosh, dad.
Did you rent that three-man boat this year? Oh, no.
They were plumb out.
I had to go with the two-man boat.
Master thespians you are not.
I'm just returning this stuff.
There's no way I'm going on another father/son jaunt, featuring your inedible frontier cuisine, Dr.
h.
It's either my cooking, or we risk another bean incident.
What what's the bean incident? Oh, it's nothing, mom.
You had to be there.
You two always come back with so many stories.
Part of me envies these trips.
If you broke a nail, it'd be a two-day hike to the nearest manicurist.
I could take care of myself in the woods.
I've got Gumption.
You have oodles of gumption, darling.
That's why I married you.
That's it.
Let's get out of here.
Let me just try this.
Oh, allow me, Dr.
h.
Ahh! Ohh! It's all yours.
Aah! David? Dad? My back.
Mmmm.
I was due.
It's been five years since the last time I had a spasm.
I'm really sorry, sweetheart.
Ohh.
I'll be fine.
I just need a few muscle relaxants and some nice long naps.
Don't worry, dad.
There's always next year.
Not to worry, howsers.
All is not lost.
I know someone in this room who'd be happy Thrilled to fill in for Dr.
h.
Didn't this person just say they didn't want to go? Because if this person wants to go, they should speak up.
I'd love to go.
Mom You're serious.
Sure.
It'll be fun.
I'm just a little concerned about leaving you in this condition.
Maybe I can get a nurse for you.
No, Mrs.
h.
Don't be silly.
I'll watch the big lug.
I'll cook for him, I'll clean for him, I'll sponge his fevered brow.
Think Kathy bates in misery.
I'll be your number-one fan.
In spite of him, I will be fine, Katherine.
You go with doogie.
Doogie? You o.
K.
With this? Well, I You know, i i Um Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We should It'll You know It'll be fun.
What a beautiful drive.
No wonder they call it the great outdoors.
It's great! Look at the ducks! Look at the ducks! I really understand why you and your father love these trips so much.
It's just so wonderful being out here enjoying nature together.
Mmm.
The flora The fauna The great outdoors.
And the perfect quiet.
Quiet? What quiet? And the light is exquisite.
Mom.
Mom.
You said you wanted to have the same wilderness experience I always have with dad.
Dad didn't talk incessantly.
I'm not talking incessantly.
How can you say I'm talking incessantly? I'm just making some observations about the lovely surroundings.
The sky, the air, the water.
Now you're incessantly denying talking incessantly.
Fine.
Let's fish.
Fine.
Doogie! Doogie, I got one.
What do I do? O.
K.
, don't jerk.
Don't don't jerk it, mom.
O.
K.
, let me do it.
I can do it.
Oh, my.
Bring it right up to the boat.
I can't believe it.
Wait till your father hears about this.
Wow.
Ha ha ha! O.
K.
Now take the hook out.
Oh, dear.
Now I let him go? Now you kill him.
On american sportsman, they always let them go.
That was TV.
This is dinner.
Oh Kay.
How? Well, you have three basic options.
and let him suffocate.
Uh, 2, you can cut his head off or 3, you can bash his brains out on the side of the boat.
Isn't there a more humane way? What, lethal injection? Maybe an overdose of sleeping pills? What does your trophy-winning fisherman father do? Uh, dad prefers the old brain-bash.
Gumption.
So Now tell me the bean story.
Trust me, mom.
It's not your type of story.
Ahem.
How's the new loft? It's fine.
You dating much? Enough.
Do you ask girls home to the loft? Sometimes.
Do you use a condom? No.
Ohh! Well, do you? Douglas! This is a critical fish for Bob Hamilton.
Bob's got him.
That's a dandy.
Bob has his first fish Don't worry.
It's got a happy ending If you're not rooting for the fish.
Isn't this a sick person's fantasy? A heaping tray of tlc.
That's tuna Lettuce And chicken soup.
Is that a smiley face in the tuna? You see, with this combo, mom could make me feel better even when I was just pretending to be sick.
Is that moisture on your upper lip? You want this orally or, uh Vincent.
I'm going to press my lips to your brow.
The lips are the most heat-sensitive organ on the body.
Keep your heat-sensing organs to yourself.
Then what can I do for you? You can leave me alone, Vincent.
I want to be alone.
I promised Mrs.
h I'd take care of you.
If you would go home, I'd be great.
Come on, Dr.
h.
You're always doing things for me.
Let me do something for you.
I don't need you here.
I don't want you here.
Go home.
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me Do you think Nancy Reagan had a face lift? O.
K.
, doogie.
I'll admit it.
The condom question was out of line.
Don't worry about it, mom.
It was nothing.
Good.
Well, I'm getting hungry.
I guess I'll Clean Mr.
fish.
Looking for Mr.
knife? Ha ha.
Thanks.
So, doogie, why don't you tell me that bean story, hmm? It's nothing, mom, really.
I bet it was about flatulence.
It had nothing to do with flatulence.
Share it with me.
You don't think mothers have gas? It was just something that happened between dad and me.
You wouldn't understand.
Why wouldn't I understand? How hard could it be to grasp a bean story? O.
K.
Fine.
Here's what happened.
Dad told me to cook dinner.
I left a can of beans in the campfire.
They exploded.
We were covered with hot beans, so we jumped naked into the lake to clean off.
A forest ranger gave us a ticket for indecent exposure.
She was mean about it, too.
That's the story? Yes! I told you you wouldn't understand.
You weren't there.
Just like you shouldn't be here now.
I really resent your attitude.
I've been a really good sport here.
I've tried very hard to make this fun.
You're not supposed to try.
You're supposed to havefun.
Are you saying you wish I didn't come? Let's just not talk about it, o.
K.
? I can't talk about medicine because I'm not a doctor.
I can't talk about girls because I'm your mother.
What else is in your life? Nothing.
Well Fine, then.
After 19 years of being your mother And I have to tell you, a toddler with a genius IQ can be plenty snotty That's what I'm left with, hmm? Nothing.
If you're so unhappy, maybe we should leave.
Fine.
Fine.
Good.
This fish died for nothing.
Hey, wouldn't you like some prime rib? This week we're slicing it thick and juicy, and that's not all.
Fresh lobster shares the plate on this mouth-watering special.
But you got to hurry because an offer like this Rich Mmm.
Creamy Ahh.
And mouth-watering.
Oh, yes! I can do this.
Uhh.
Bad idea.
O.
K.
, Dr.
h.
Like it or not, I'm back.
I promised I'd look after you, and that's what I'm going to do.
Whoa.
There.
You all right? Yes.
Mmm.
Thank you.
Look, I'll get you a snack, and I'll stay out of your way.
I'll wait in the kitchen Like the family dog.
I'm sorry I was rude to you, Vincent.
I've never been very good at being taken care of, but you didn't deserve that.
Apology accepted, but I got to say it's a mystery to me how any doctor can be such a lousy patient.
Well, it's a long story.
You really don't want to hear it.
Au contraire.
I'm all ears.
I'm waiting.
When I was 9, I came home from school to find my father's car in the driveway.
I was surprised because he never closed his drugstore before 7:00.
I found my mother trying to help him get his shirt off so he could take a bath, but he wouldn't let her.
I could see he was in great pain.
But, uh When he saw me watching, he yelled at me not to look at him.
It turned out that he'd had arthritis for years, and I never knew.
But that was, uh What my father believed That a man doesn't cry, a man Doesn't complain, a man doesn't need help.
Not even from the people who love him.
Uh It was, uh, just His way.
Yeah, but I bet you would've done anything to help him if he'd just let you, huh? My mom always said, "Vinnie, I love it when you're sick.
" She'd get the biggest kick out of feeding me, washing me.
Made her feel good, you know? Needed.
What could be more manly than letting a person who cares for you feel good about themself? You want to stop and get some coffee? No.
I just want to get home.
Doogie, look out! Oh, my god.
Oh, my I didn't see it, mom.
I'm sorry.
It wasn't your fault.
It was an accident.
It's o.
K.
Oh, she's dead.
We'll have to call the highway patrol.
There's something moving in the abdomen.
She's alive? No.
She's pregnant.
Maybe I can save the Fawn.
Mom, this is going to be very, very bloody.
I want to help.
When I make an incision, reach in, pull out the Fawn.
All right.
All right.
All right, go.
Come on.
Come on.
O.
K.
Gently.
Good.
Good.
I got him.
There it is.
Oh.
Doogie, he's not breathing.
Well, let me see.
Come on.
Oh, come on, breathe.
Come on, guy.
Come on.
Come on, buddy, breathe.
Oh, please breathe.
Please.
Come on, little fella.
He's breathing! Yes! All right.
O.
K.
, cool.
Oh Whoa, whoa.
Easy.
Easy.
Wow.
He seems o.
K.
Ooh! Look at those ears.
Whoa.
Steady.
Steady, little guy.
He's up.
Aw.
Oh, he's beautiful.
Op.
Get that landing strip open.
Mm-hmm.
How's that heating pad? It's just right.
- Hear warm? - Mm-hmm.
Any itches I can stretch? I'll let you know.
O.
K.
All right.
Now, let's review delpino's three-step plan to total dependency.
You got a headache.
What do you say? "Katherine, can you rub my temples?" That's good, but be a little more pathetic.
You know, give me the look.
Yeah.
Now you're cooking with crisco.
Ha ha ha.
Unbelievable.
Life, death, the whole damn thing in one moment.
I'd say that beats the bean story.
I'd say it does.
You sure he'll be o.
K.
? He looked scared.
They took him to a petting zoo, not Alcatraz.
I can't help it.
I'm a mother.
Hey, you don't ever have to apologize for being a mother.
I was, um Trying too hard.
I'm jealous of you and your father's time together.
I wanted us to have some magic moments, too.
I guess you can't make magic happen.
No, but you can make time to be together so when it happens, you're there for it.
You want to go back? Not for all the magic moments in the world.
Well, where do you want to go? Anywhere with room service.
Blip.
I can picture it now.
The only sounds we hear for the next two days are the lures hitting the water.
No complaining patients.
No ringing telephones.
No annoying So! When does the u.
S.
S.
Howserset sail? Oh, gosh, dad.
Did you rent that three-man boat this year? Oh, no.
They were plumb out.
I had to go with the two-man boat.
Master thespians you are not.
I'm just returning this stuff.
There's no way I'm going on another father/son jaunt, featuring your inedible frontier cuisine, Dr.
h.
It's either my cooking, or we risk another bean incident.
What what's the bean incident? Oh, it's nothing, mom.
You had to be there.
You two always come back with so many stories.
Part of me envies these trips.
If you broke a nail, it'd be a two-day hike to the nearest manicurist.
I could take care of myself in the woods.
I've got Gumption.
You have oodles of gumption, darling.
That's why I married you.
That's it.
Let's get out of here.
Let me just try this.
Oh, allow me, Dr.
h.
Ahh! Ohh! It's all yours.
Aah! David? Dad? My back.
Mmmm.
I was due.
It's been five years since the last time I had a spasm.
I'm really sorry, sweetheart.
Ohh.
I'll be fine.
I just need a few muscle relaxants and some nice long naps.
Don't worry, dad.
There's always next year.
Not to worry, howsers.
All is not lost.
I know someone in this room who'd be happy Thrilled to fill in for Dr.
h.
Didn't this person just say they didn't want to go? Because if this person wants to go, they should speak up.
I'd love to go.
Mom You're serious.
Sure.
It'll be fun.
I'm just a little concerned about leaving you in this condition.
Maybe I can get a nurse for you.
No, Mrs.
h.
Don't be silly.
I'll watch the big lug.
I'll cook for him, I'll clean for him, I'll sponge his fevered brow.
Think Kathy bates in misery.
I'll be your number-one fan.
In spite of him, I will be fine, Katherine.
You go with doogie.
Doogie? You o.
K.
With this? Well, I You know, i i Um Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We should It'll You know It'll be fun.
What a beautiful drive.
No wonder they call it the great outdoors.
It's great! Look at the ducks! Look at the ducks! I really understand why you and your father love these trips so much.
It's just so wonderful being out here enjoying nature together.
Mmm.
The flora The fauna The great outdoors.
And the perfect quiet.
Quiet? What quiet? And the light is exquisite.
Mom.
Mom.
You said you wanted to have the same wilderness experience I always have with dad.
Dad didn't talk incessantly.
I'm not talking incessantly.
How can you say I'm talking incessantly? I'm just making some observations about the lovely surroundings.
The sky, the air, the water.
Now you're incessantly denying talking incessantly.
Fine.
Let's fish.
Fine.
Doogie! Doogie, I got one.
What do I do? O.
K.
, don't jerk.
Don't don't jerk it, mom.
O.
K.
, let me do it.
I can do it.
Oh, my.
Bring it right up to the boat.
I can't believe it.
Wait till your father hears about this.
Wow.
Ha ha ha! O.
K.
Now take the hook out.
Oh, dear.
Now I let him go? Now you kill him.
On american sportsman, they always let them go.
That was TV.
This is dinner.
Oh Kay.
How? Well, you have three basic options.
and let him suffocate.
Uh, 2, you can cut his head off or 3, you can bash his brains out on the side of the boat.
Isn't there a more humane way? What, lethal injection? Maybe an overdose of sleeping pills? What does your trophy-winning fisherman father do? Uh, dad prefers the old brain-bash.
Gumption.
So Now tell me the bean story.
Trust me, mom.
It's not your type of story.
Ahem.
How's the new loft? It's fine.
You dating much? Enough.
Do you ask girls home to the loft? Sometimes.
Do you use a condom? No.
Ohh! Well, do you? Douglas! This is a critical fish for Bob Hamilton.
Bob's got him.
That's a dandy.
Bob has his first fish Don't worry.
It's got a happy ending If you're not rooting for the fish.
Isn't this a sick person's fantasy? A heaping tray of tlc.
That's tuna Lettuce And chicken soup.
Is that a smiley face in the tuna? You see, with this combo, mom could make me feel better even when I was just pretending to be sick.
Is that moisture on your upper lip? You want this orally or, uh Vincent.
I'm going to press my lips to your brow.
The lips are the most heat-sensitive organ on the body.
Keep your heat-sensing organs to yourself.
Then what can I do for you? You can leave me alone, Vincent.
I want to be alone.
I promised Mrs.
h I'd take care of you.
If you would go home, I'd be great.
Come on, Dr.
h.
You're always doing things for me.
Let me do something for you.
I don't need you here.
I don't want you here.
Go home.
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me Do you think Nancy Reagan had a face lift? O.
K.
, doogie.
I'll admit it.
The condom question was out of line.
Don't worry about it, mom.
It was nothing.
Good.
Well, I'm getting hungry.
I guess I'll Clean Mr.
fish.
Looking for Mr.
knife? Ha ha.
Thanks.
So, doogie, why don't you tell me that bean story, hmm? It's nothing, mom, really.
I bet it was about flatulence.
It had nothing to do with flatulence.
Share it with me.
You don't think mothers have gas? It was just something that happened between dad and me.
You wouldn't understand.
Why wouldn't I understand? How hard could it be to grasp a bean story? O.
K.
Fine.
Here's what happened.
Dad told me to cook dinner.
I left a can of beans in the campfire.
They exploded.
We were covered with hot beans, so we jumped naked into the lake to clean off.
A forest ranger gave us a ticket for indecent exposure.
She was mean about it, too.
That's the story? Yes! I told you you wouldn't understand.
You weren't there.
Just like you shouldn't be here now.
I really resent your attitude.
I've been a really good sport here.
I've tried very hard to make this fun.
You're not supposed to try.
You're supposed to havefun.
Are you saying you wish I didn't come? Let's just not talk about it, o.
K.
? I can't talk about medicine because I'm not a doctor.
I can't talk about girls because I'm your mother.
What else is in your life? Nothing.
Well Fine, then.
After 19 years of being your mother And I have to tell you, a toddler with a genius IQ can be plenty snotty That's what I'm left with, hmm? Nothing.
If you're so unhappy, maybe we should leave.
Fine.
Fine.
Good.
This fish died for nothing.
Hey, wouldn't you like some prime rib? This week we're slicing it thick and juicy, and that's not all.
Fresh lobster shares the plate on this mouth-watering special.
But you got to hurry because an offer like this Rich Mmm.
Creamy Ahh.
And mouth-watering.
Oh, yes! I can do this.
Uhh.
Bad idea.
O.
K.
, Dr.
h.
Like it or not, I'm back.
I promised I'd look after you, and that's what I'm going to do.
Whoa.
There.
You all right? Yes.
Mmm.
Thank you.
Look, I'll get you a snack, and I'll stay out of your way.
I'll wait in the kitchen Like the family dog.
I'm sorry I was rude to you, Vincent.
I've never been very good at being taken care of, but you didn't deserve that.
Apology accepted, but I got to say it's a mystery to me how any doctor can be such a lousy patient.
Well, it's a long story.
You really don't want to hear it.
Au contraire.
I'm all ears.
I'm waiting.
When I was 9, I came home from school to find my father's car in the driveway.
I was surprised because he never closed his drugstore before 7:00.
I found my mother trying to help him get his shirt off so he could take a bath, but he wouldn't let her.
I could see he was in great pain.
But, uh When he saw me watching, he yelled at me not to look at him.
It turned out that he'd had arthritis for years, and I never knew.
But that was, uh What my father believed That a man doesn't cry, a man Doesn't complain, a man doesn't need help.
Not even from the people who love him.
Uh It was, uh, just His way.
Yeah, but I bet you would've done anything to help him if he'd just let you, huh? My mom always said, "Vinnie, I love it when you're sick.
" She'd get the biggest kick out of feeding me, washing me.
Made her feel good, you know? Needed.
What could be more manly than letting a person who cares for you feel good about themself? You want to stop and get some coffee? No.
I just want to get home.
Doogie, look out! Oh, my god.
Oh, my I didn't see it, mom.
I'm sorry.
It wasn't your fault.
It was an accident.
It's o.
K.
Oh, she's dead.
We'll have to call the highway patrol.
There's something moving in the abdomen.
She's alive? No.
She's pregnant.
Maybe I can save the Fawn.
Mom, this is going to be very, very bloody.
I want to help.
When I make an incision, reach in, pull out the Fawn.
All right.
All right.
All right, go.
Come on.
Come on.
O.
K.
Gently.
Good.
Good.
I got him.
There it is.
Oh.
Doogie, he's not breathing.
Well, let me see.
Come on.
Oh, come on, breathe.
Come on, guy.
Come on.
Come on, buddy, breathe.
Oh, please breathe.
Please.
Come on, little fella.
He's breathing! Yes! All right.
O.
K.
, cool.
Oh Whoa, whoa.
Easy.
Easy.
Wow.
He seems o.
K.
Ooh! Look at those ears.
Whoa.
Steady.
Steady, little guy.
He's up.
Aw.
Oh, he's beautiful.
Op.
Get that landing strip open.
Mm-hmm.
How's that heating pad? It's just right.
- Hear warm? - Mm-hmm.
Any itches I can stretch? I'll let you know.
O.
K.
All right.
Now, let's review delpino's three-step plan to total dependency.
You got a headache.
What do you say? "Katherine, can you rub my temples?" That's good, but be a little more pathetic.
You know, give me the look.
Yeah.
Now you're cooking with crisco.
Ha ha ha.
Unbelievable.
Life, death, the whole damn thing in one moment.
I'd say that beats the bean story.
I'd say it does.
You sure he'll be o.
K.
? He looked scared.
They took him to a petting zoo, not Alcatraz.
I can't help it.
I'm a mother.
Hey, you don't ever have to apologize for being a mother.
I was, um Trying too hard.
I'm jealous of you and your father's time together.
I wanted us to have some magic moments, too.
I guess you can't make magic happen.
No, but you can make time to be together so when it happens, you're there for it.
You want to go back? Not for all the magic moments in the world.
Well, where do you want to go? Anywhere with room service.