Doug (1991) s04e12 Episode Script

( yelps )
( barks )
( electric guitar playing )
( man singing scat )
( barks )
COOL! WHOA!
( thwack )
( barks )
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL:
WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT THROWING
MY FIRST PARTY PARTY
I KNEW EXACTLY
HOW I WANTED IT TO GO.
Reporter:
THE HOTTEST PLACE TO BE
IS DEFINITELY CHEZ FUNNIE
WHERE DOUGIE D IS PULLING
OUT ALL THE STOPS
FOR HIS PARTY.
INSIDE THE PETES
ARE PLAYING AND
IS THAT?
I THINK IT IS.
IT'S PATTI
MAYONNAISE.
LET ME SEE
IF I CAN
MISS MAYONNAISE?
COULD WE
HAVE A WORD?
SURE.
RUMORS HAVE
BEEN FLYING
ABOUT YOU
AND DOUGIE D.
IS TONIGHT THE
NIGHT WE'LL SEE
SOMETHING DEFINITE?
WELL,
I HOPE SO.
IT'S GOING TO BE HARD
TO BEAT THIS SOIREE
FOR SOPHISTICATION AND STYLE.
NOW BACK TO REALITY.
LET'S PARTY.
I WAS SO EXCITED.
THIS WAS GOING TO BE
THE COOLEST, HIPPEST
HUH?
SURPRISE, DOUG.
HEY, SON.
LET'S PARTY.
( groaning )
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( barks )
( yelps )
( barks )
( all yawning )
THE CHEESE
STANDS ALONE
THE CHEESE
STANDS ALONE
HI-HO,
THE DERRY-O
WHO WANTS TO PLAY
PIN THE TAIL
ON THE DONKEY?
Kids:
OH, MAN.
( yawning )
( glass
breaking )
SKEET,
HELP ME.
THIS PARTY'S
GOING DOWN
IN FLAMES.
I KNOW WHA
WE CAN DO.
I'LL PUT ON MY
NEW BEET C.D.
Roger:
HEY!
THIS IS AWFUL.
I'M JUST GLAD
PATTI COULDN'
MAKE IT.
( doorbell chimes )
HEY.
WHAT ABOU
PRACTICE?
IT GOT CANCELED.
I DIDN'T WANT TO MISS
YOUR FIRST PARTY.
YEAH ME NEITHER.
SEE?
WE'VE EVEN GO
THESE HATS
FOR YOU.
NO!
WONDER WHAT'S
UNDER THE GOOFY HAT.
CONNIE GO
A BAD HAIRCUT.
SHE DIDN'T EVEN
WANT TO COME.
WE WERE
JUST ABOU
TO PUT ON
THESE C.D.s.
RIGHT,
DOUG?
UH RIGHT.
Kids:
THIS IS THE WAY
WE BLOW
IT UP
WHAT WAS THAT?
MY KID BROTHER'S
BEEN MESSING AROUND
WITH MY C.D.s
AGAIN.
HEY, FUNNIE,
GREAT PARTY.
WHAT'S NEXT?
PATTY-CAKE?
THAT'S A GOOD
ONE, ROGER.
I KNOW A GAME THAT'LL PULL
THIS OUT OF THE DUMPER.
WHAT?
A LITTLE TES
OF NERVES
CALLED "TRUTH
OR DARE."
"TRUTH
OR DARE"?
THEY PLAY IT A
ALL COOL PARTIES
BUT IF YOU
DON'T THINK
YOU'RE MAN
ENOUGH
WHO WANTS TO
PLAY "TRUTH
OR DARE"?
All:
"TRUTH OR DARE"?
YEAH.
SURE.
"TRUTH
OR DARE"?
I'M NOT ALLOWED
TO PLAY THAT.
IT'S NO
FOR KIDDIES
BUT ANYBODY WHO
WANTS TO PLAY
A REAL GAME
COME TO THE
BASEMENT-- NOW!
EVERYBODY
TAKES A STRAW.
WHOEVER GETS
THE SHORT STRAW
GOES FIRST.
PHEW.
THEY PICK
SOMEBODY
AND ASK "TRUTH
OR DARE?"
IF YOU SAY "TRUTH"
THEY CAN ASK
YOU A QUESTION
AND YOU GO
TO TELL THE
TRUTH.
IF YOU
SAY "DARE"
THEN YOU GOT TO
DO WHATEVER THEY
DARE YOU TO DO.
THEN YOU
GET TO PICK
SOMEBODY ELSE.
OKAY.
WHO GOT THE
SHORT STRAW?
( boy guffawing )
THAT'S ME.
PICK YOUR
VICTIM, WILLIE
AND LE
THE FUN BEGIN.
HMM.
LARRY,
TRUTH OR DARE?
UH TRUTH.
YEAH, TRUTH.
OKAY.
YOU ASKED
FOR IT.
HAVE YOU EVER
WATCHED A FILM STRIP
AT SCHOOL
WITHOU
PERMISSION?
WELL, THERE WAS
THIS ONE TIME
HOLD IT.
( all talking at once )
THE GAME'S NO GOOD
IF YOU PLAY I
LIKE A BUNCH OF
PRESCHOOLERS.
( whispering )
YEAH, OKAY.
OKAY, LARRY.
WHO DO YOU HAVE
A CRUSH ON?
OH!
( cackling )
WELL, UH I GUESS
I GUESS I KIND OF LIKE BEEBE.
( screaming )
OH.
LARRY!
LARRY!
LARRY!
Roger:
GIVE ME
THAT PUNCH.
WHA
HAPPENED?
THAT'S BETTER!
LARRY, YOUR
TURN TO PICK.
WHO'S
NEXT IN OUR
LITTLE GAME?
MMM UH, SKEETER.
TRUTH OR DARE?
DARE.
MAKE I
GOOD,
LARRY.
UH OKAY.
I DARE YOU TO TO
STAND ON YOUR HEAD
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.
OKAY, SURE.
COME ON.
TOO EASY.
IN HIS UNDERWEAR!
GO ON AND SAY IT:
IN HIS UNDERWEAR!
( giggling and laughing )
THAT WAS THE LAS
LAME OLD DARE
I WANT TO HEAR.
FUNNIE HERE'S
TRYING TO THROW
A DECENT PARTY, RIGHT?
All:
RIGHT.
OKAY.
HUH-UH.
PATTI?
TRUTH
OR DARE?
OH-OH.
PATTI
HELLO, LOVERS.
WELCOME TO THE MUSH CONNECTION.
OUR CONTESTAN
IS DOUG.
HOW WAS HIS DATE WITH
PATTI MAYONNAISE?
TELL THE TRUTH.
HOW WAS IT?
AWFUL.
HE TOOK ME TO
A TERRIBLE MOVIE.
THEN HE TRIED TO HOLD MY HAND.
AT HOME, I KNEW
HE WANTED
TO KISS ME
SO I RAN
INSIDE
AND SLAMMED
THE DOOR IN
HIS FACE!
I WANTED
TO PUKE.
( cackling )
WOULD YOU GO OUT WITH
MR. "LAME-O" AGAIN?
NEVER!
DARE.
OKAY.
I DARE YOU TO
KISS
KISS
I DARE YOU TO KISS DOUG
ON THE LIPS.
NO! NO!
ANYTHING BUT THAT!
Doug:
PUCKER UP.
NEVER!
HERE I COME.
( making kissing noises )
NO!
( crash )
Skeeter:
I DARE YOU
TO KISS PORKCHOP.
All:
OHH
HOW LAME CAN YOU GET?
( barks )
( smack )
AND NOW
I PICK
UH, NOW I PICK
UMM, ROGER.
All:
OOH!
Skeeter:
YOUR TURN NOW.
DARE.
GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT.
Patti:
OKAY, ROGER.
I DARE YOU TO SAY
SOMETHING NICE
NICE?
ABOU
DOUG.
DOUG?
SHUT UP!
I GUESS
HE'S
WELL, I GUESS
HE'S
( mumbling )
WHAT?
I SAID, FUNNIE'S
A REALLY NICE GUY.
ROGER, WAS
THAT SO HARD?
YEAH, IT WAS
AND NOW SOMEBODY'S
GOING TO GET IT
IN SPADES.
FUNNIE,
TRUTH OR DARE?
TRU DA
TRU
COME ON,
TRUTH OR DARE?
UH, TRUTH.
THE TRUTH RAY,
BY DISENABLING
THE MOTOR NERVOUS
DRIVE SHAF
RENDERS THE
HIGHER CEREBRAL
GEARBOX HELPLESS.
I WILL DEMONSTRATE.
READY, FUNNIE?
TRY YOUR WORST,
DR. KLOTZ.
OH, DON'T WORRY,
I WILL.
TRUTH RAY TO FULL POWER.
I LOVE PATTI.
I LOVE THE WAY HER EYES LIGHT UP
WHEN SHE LAUGHS
THE WAY THE RAINDROPS
CLING TO HER HAIR
AFTER A SUMMER SHOWER.
( laughing )
I LOVE EVERY BLADE OF GRASS
SHE EVER WALKED ON.
STOP HIM!
SOMEBODY STOP HIM!
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.
I HATE YOU, DOUG FUNNIE.
DARE.
I DARE YOU TO KISS
PATTI MAYONNAISE.
OH, DOUG!
OKAY,
ROGER.
DARE.
I DARE YOU
TO GO UPSTAIRS
AND PULL OFF
CONNIE'S HA
SO WE CAN ALL SEE
THAT STUPID
HAIRCUT SHE GOT.
All:
OOH!
GEE, ROGER, I DON'T
WHAT'S TO THINK ABOUT?
YOU GO
TO DO IT.
WHAT ARE WE
WAITING FOR?
( music playing )
WE'RE MOVING
THIS PARTY OF YOURS
RIGHT OUT OF
THE PEEWEE LEAGUE
INTO THE
MAJORS.
GET MOVING.
( Connie talking )
OH, HI, DOUG.
NICE PARTY.
UH, THANKS, CONNIE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
DOUG?
I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT.
BABY!
THAT'S THE MOS
GROWN-UP THING
ANYONE'S DONE
ALL NIGHT.
IT WAS SWEE
NOT DO IT.
SWEET NO
TO DO WHAT?
NOT TO DO THIS!
( screaming )
OOH!
OOH!
( Roger
laughing )
GROW UP,
YOU BIG BABY!
( gasping )
EXCUSE ME.
WELL, WHAT'S EVERYBODY
STARING AT?
LET'S PARTY!
AFTER THAT, EVERYBODY STARTED
TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
MAYBE IT WASN'
THE MOST SOPHISTICATED PARTY
BUT IT SURE WAS FUN.
I DON'T THINK IT'S SO COOL
TO MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE
AND I DON'T THINK ROGER
WILL DARE
TO PLAY THAT GAME FOR A WHILE.
DEAR JOURNAL:
SOMETIMES I DON'T KNOW
HOW I GET MYSELF
INTO THESE MESSES.
( panting )
( whinnying )
( snorting )
NICE HORSEY.
NICE FELLOW.
( snorting )
( horse neighing )
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( barks )
( yelps )
THE WHOLE THING STARTED
WHEN PATTI BROUGHT IN AN AD
FOR A DUDE RANCH.
LOOK A
THIS FLYER.
IT'S ALL ABOU
RIDING HORSES.
DOESN'T IT SOUND
LIKE FUN?
MY DAD SAID
HE COULD DRIVE US.
WHEN PATTI INVITED US, I
REMINDED ME OF THE COOL TIMES
I HAD AT MY UNCLE HAPPY'S FARM
AS A LITTLE KID
WHEN WE'D GO
TO MY UNCLE HAPPY'S FARM
AND I WOULD GET TO RIDE
THEIR PONY TORNADO.
WOW!
I LOVED THAT PONY, AND WHEN
MOM AND DAD WOULD LET ME
ME AND TORNADO WOULD SLEEP
OUT IN THE PASTURE--
JUST US AND THE STARS.
BOY, SKEET, I CAN'T WAI
TO GET OUT THERE.
Roger:
WHY?
YOUR GIRLS DON'
KNOW THE FIRST THING
ABOUT RIDING.
YOU DON'
EVEN KNOW
WHICH END'S
THE FRONT.
YOU EVER
SEEN A HORSE,
VALENTINE?
BESIDES THIS MORNING
WHEN YOU LOOKED
IN THE MIRROR.
YOU PROBABLY
COULDN'T TELL
A HORSE'S HEAD
FROM ITS CROUP.
I'D LIKE TO SEE
YOU CONNECT A
FLANK CINCH.
HUH?
WELL, I
( growls )
YOU NEVER
TOLD ME
YOU KNEW
ABOUT HORSES.
YOU'VE RIDDEN BEFORE?
I USED TO
RIDE ALL
THE TIME.
ME AND TORNADO.
TORNADO?
WAS THA
YOUR STEED?
WOW!
HEY, WHAT'S
GOING ON?
DOUG USED
TO BE A COWBOY.
I WOULDN'
SAY COWBOY
EXACTLY.
WOW, DOUG, YOU WERE
A REAL COWBOY?
HE HAD A HORSE
NAMED TORNADO.
TELL HER
ABOUT IT.
AND THAT'S WHEN THE WHOLE
TROUBLE STARTED.
BUT OLD TORNADO--
HE KNEW IF WE DIDN'
GET BACK
THAT STORM WOULD
TOSS US AROUND
LIKE A
FLAPJACK.
AND THE RATTLESNAKES?
DID I SAY
IT WAS A
RATTLER?
WHATEVER KIND OF
SNAKE IT WAS
TORNADO AND I DECIDED
THAT HE LOOKED HUNGRY
AND WE
WEREN'T TO
BE ITS SUPPER.
YEP, AND WHEN
MY UNCLE DECIDED
TO PUT TORNADO
OUT TO PASTURE
I SAID ADIOS
TO MY OLD PAL
HUNG UP MY SPURS
AND THOUGH
I'D NEVER RIDE AGAIN.
( sobbing )
NOW, NOW, DON'
YOU FRET,
MISS CONNIE
TORNADO'S STILL OU
THERE SOMEWHERE
AND HE DON'T WAN
YOU A-BLUBBERING
ON ACCOUNT OF HIM.
WOW, DOUG, I
NEVER REALIZED
YOU WERE SO
WESTERN.
THE MORE I TALKED
THE MORE I EVEN STARTED
TO BELIEVE THAT I WAS
Man:
FROM OUT OF THE WES
CAME A MAN WITH A QUEST
DURANGO DOUG.
HE'S GOT A POWERFUL STINK
AND HE DON'T LIKE PINK
DURANGO DOUG.
HE'S GOT A ROCK-HARD HEAD
AND HE EATS STALE BREAD
DURANGO DOUG
DURANGO DOUG.
HE EATS NAILS FOR LUNCH AND
DRINKS UNSWEETENED PUNCH
DURANGO DOUG.
HE'S THE MEANEST, GRUFFIES
AND ALL ROUND DUSTIEST
DURANGO
DURANGO DOUG.
( whip cracks )
BY THE TIME WE GO
TO BUCK'S DUDE RANCH
I WAS SO FULL OF MYSELF,
I BARELY HAD ROOM FOR BREAKFAST.
NOW THAT YOU HAVE ALL COMPLETED
YOUR RIDING-LEVEL FORMS
WE SHALL JOURNEY NOW
TO THE HORSE BARN.
PLEASE FOLLOW ME.
WHAT RIDING
LEVEL DID YOU
PUT DOWN?
Patti:
I'VE RIDDEN
A LO
SO I PU
"ADVANCED."
I'M GOOD BUT I'M
NOWHERE NEAR
HOW ABOU
YOU?
WHAT LEVEL DID
YOU PUT DOWN?
EXPERT?
( as Clint Eastwood: )
"OTHER."
All:
WOW "OTHER."
Man:
PATTI.
BUTTERCUP'S
BEEN WAITING
FOR YOU.
THANKS,
MR. WINETRAUT.
AND ROGER KLOTZ,
YOU'LL BE RIDING LIGHTNING.
ALL RIGHT!
OH, MAN.
( braying )
AL AND
MOO SLEECH
YOU'LL BE RIDING
ROMULUS AND REMUS.
( horses whinnying )
OH, IS THERE
A DOUG FUNNIE HERE?
THAT'D BE ME.
I SEE HERE
YOU'RE QUITE THE RIDER.
WELL, I HAVE JUS
THE HORSE FOR YOU.
MEET SUGAR.
( neighing )
HE'S A COWARDLY FELLOW
WITH A BELLY COLORED YELLOW
DURANGO DOUG.
( door
creaking )
WHEN THERE'S A HINT OF
A FIGHT, HE RUNS IN FRIGHT
DURANGO DOUG.
HE'S PRONE TO WHINE
AND AIN'T GOT NO SPINE
( horse
neighing )
DURANGO DOUG.
DURANGO DOUG.
HE'S THE SCAREDIEST, SIMPIES
AND ALL AROUND WIMPIEST
DURANGO
DURANGO DOUG.
( chickens clucking )
ISN'T HE
KIND OF WILD?
A RIDER WITH YOUR
KIND OF EXPERTISE
WILL HAVE NO
TROUBLE WITH HIM.
SUGAR IS
A SWEETHEART.
YOU JUST GOT TO KNOW
HOW TO HANDLE HIM.
WHY DO THEY
CALL HIM SUGAR?
OH, I'LL SHOW YOU.
( whistles )
HERE, BOY.
HE JUST LOVES SUGAR.
I'M TAKING
THE BEGINNERS OUT.
I'M SURE YOU CAN FIND
YOUR OWN WAY.
HAPPY TRAILS.
MAN, I COULD RIDE
A PONY ALL RIGHT
BUT THAT BIG MEAN HORSE?
Patti:
BOY, HE
LOOKS FUN.
FUN? HE'S A KILLER.
I MEAN, HE LOOKS
A LITTLE ROUGH.
AW, HE'S JUS
A BIG SWEETIE.
THAT HORSE WOULD
PROBABLY MURDER ME
BUT I COULDN'T LET PATTI
SEE ME CHICKEN OUT.
ARE YOU
COMING?
YOU GUYS GO ON AHEAD.
SUGAR AND I ARE GOING
TO HEAD OUT ALONE.
OKAY. SEE YOU
ON THE TRAIL.
ME AND MY BIG MOUTH.
SUGAR, LOOK WHAT I GOT.
NOW, SUGAR, LET'S
TAKE THIS NICE AND
WHOA!
( neighing )
I BET FUNNIE'S
COWBOY TALK
WAS A BUNCH
OF HOO-HOCKEY.
NO ONE ASKED YOU, ROGER.
DOUG KNOWS WHAT HE'S
HERE HE COMES NOW.
WHOA!
( shouting )
SEE?
HA!
WHOA!
( shouting )
( screaming )
( grunts )
I WAS REALLY
IMPRESSED
WITH DOUG'S
RIDING.
I HOPE HE CAN SHOW
ME SOME TRICKS.
YEAH, I
COULD USE SOME
POINTERS MYSELF.
HEADS UP--
BRIDGE.
( donkey braying )
I COULDN'T TELL
THOSE GUYS THE TRUTH.
AFTER BRAGGING SO MUCH
PATTI WOULD THINK
I WAS A BIG LOSER.
BUT IF I COULD GET BACK
BEFORE EVERYBODY ELSE
THEY MIGHT STILL THINK
I'M A GOOD RIDER
BUT I DIDN'T HAVE A HORSE.
SUGAR-- HERE, BOY.
WHERE ARE YOU?
( snorting )
SUGAR.
HEY, BOY.
ARE YOU READY TO COME
BACK TO BUCK'S?
COME ON, SUGAR.
TIME TO GO HOME.
AAH!
( crashing )
THERE.
OKAY, COME ON NOW, BOY.
( screams )
OKAY, OKAY.
( Doug grunting )
AT THIS RATE I COULD
GET SUGAR BACK BY MIDNIGHT.
( whistling )
PATTI!
HEY, SUGAR,
WHERE'S DOUG?
OH, NO!
MAYBE HE'S HUR
OR HIS LEG'S BROKE
OR SOMETHING.
DOUG!
OH, NO.
NOT ONLY WAS I A LOUSY RIDER
BUT NOW PATTI THOUGH
I WAS IN TROUBLE.
DOUG, ARE YOU OKAY?
DOUG, WHERE ARE YOU?
ARE YOU CONSCIOUS?
DID YOU FALL DOWN THE GORGE?
HERE I AM, PATTI.
DOUG, THERE YOU ARE.
ARE YOU HURT?
IS EVERYTHING
OKAY?
I MADE UP THAT STUFF
ABOUT RIDING
( horse neighing loudly )
I DON'T BLAME YOU
IF YOU HATE ME.
WHAT?
I DIDN'T
I MEAN, WHAT?
I DIDN'T HEAR YOU.
ALL I WAS SAYING
BEFORE ABOUT RIDING--
WELL, I DID RIDE
BUT IT WAS JUS
A LITTLE PONY.
DON'T SCARE ME
LIKE THAT AGAIN!
YOU'LL GET HUR
RIDING IF YOU
DON'T KNOW HOW.
I KNOW. YOU'RE RIGHT.
WELL, I'D BETTER HEAD BACK.
I'M SORRY.
I'M NOT DONE
WITH YOU.
HUH?
GET UP HERE.
YEAH?
THE FIRST THING
YOU HAVE TO DO
IS LET THE HORSE
KNOW WHO'S BOSS.
DO YOU KNOW HOW
TO MAKE A HORSE GO?
GIDDY-UP?
NO, SILLY,
LEG PRESSURE
AND TO STOP, YOU
PULL ON THE BI
BUT YOU CAN'T PULL
ON THE REINS
LIKE THEY WERE
AN EMERGENCY BRAKE.
DOUG? ARE
YOU LISTENING?
OH, YEAH