Empty Nest (1988) s04e12 Episode Script

It'll be for just the week while Laverne is on vacation.
And from your resume, you seem to be the perfect replacement.
Laverne, what do you say? Next! Here's your parkin' validation, hon.
Harry, dear? Winifred? Winifred McConnell, is that you? Winnie.
Oh, good to see you.
Laverne, this is winifred McConnell.
Winifred, Laverne Todd.
Winifred was my nurse for 20 years before I hired you.
Oh, you poor thing.
So, what brings you by the office? I heard you were looking for a temp.
I thought you were retired? Oh, Harry, seven years of knitting made me realize how much I miss nursing.
Good for you.
Hey, now look, can you start It'll be mon - ah-ah-ah! Doctor, can I have a word with you for a moment, please? Yeah.
Excuse me.
I do not think this is a good idea.
She hasn't worked in a doctor's office for years.
Trust me, she'll do fine.
Oh, look, your telephone doesn't have a dial anymore.
You were sayin'? All right.
I see what you're doin'.
You wanna give the old gal a break.
Let's go tell her the good news.
Okay.
Winifred, the job is yours again.
Oh, you're a doll.
Now, I like to put all my temps through a two-day trainin' period.
I'll be up with the birdies.
Bye, Harry.
Bye-bye, Laverne.
Oh! Maybe you better walk her downstairs.
What for? Be a gentleman, and help her crank up her model t.
Life goes on and so do we Just how we do it is no mystery Sometimes the answer can be hard to find Hard to find that's something I will never be I'm always here for anything you need Anything you need rain or shine I'll be the one To share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on Unemployment rises as recession lingers.
That's terrible.
Twenty new carcinogens found in the average diet.
What is happening to the world? Oh, no.
Beatle Bailey stole sarge's hat.
Mail call.
Harry.
Harry.
Harry.
Barbara.
Barbara.
Barbara.
What about Carol? Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Give me those.
Oh, look, Barbara, our airline tickets arrived.
- Oh, good.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Ella's wedding.
When is that? Day after tomorrow.
I can't wait.
Uh-oh.
It's a horrible mistake.
You're in seat 26a, and I'm in seat 26b.
So? On the same flight! Is this gonna be a fight? - Yes! - Huh, I got to go.
Carol, you are crazy when you fly.
I don't want to be anywhere near you.
Well, I've improved.
I've done battle with my fear of air travel, and emerged the Victor.
People can change, Barbara.
So can seats, Carol.
Carol, I've known a lot of stewardesses, and if what they say is true, you got nothing to worry about.
- Really? - Yeah.
If something did go wrong, it'd be over before you knew it.
After the explosion and subsequent fireball, they'll be just little pieces of you, and maybe a sign flying by that says "occupado.
" Well, flight's booked, can't change the seats, guess we'll be flying together.
Now, the first thing I'm gonna instruct you in is morning procedure.
Don't be afraid to stop me if I'm goin' too fast, or if there's a good ear I should be speakin' into.
I will, dear.
Now, the doctor is always five minutes late.
Good morning doctor.
Good morning, Laverne.
Good morning, winifred.
Good morning.
First off, you want to give him his patient chart.
Thank you.
Invariably, halfway down the hall, he'll realize he's forgotten his - Coffee.
- Yeah, winifred.
He'd been forgetting it for years.
Well, I guess some things never change.
Oh, Mrs.
wasserman.
Jackie.
Jackie is here for his s-h-o-t.
- Right.
- Hey, Jackie.
Here to get your shot, huh? Whoa-whoa-whoa.
Way to go, doctor.
Jack.
Please, Jack.
Come.
Come.
I'm gon' to get me an aspirin.
I have never been able to give that boy a shot without him throwin' a tantrum.
Winifred's scream distracted him from the shot.
Loud, but effective.
Just an old trick of the trade.
Well, isn't that somethin'? What is that? I baked doctor his favorite chocolate cake.
Oh, that's nice, but the doctor doesn't eat that rich stuff anymore.
He used to love it.
Well, I think I know the doctor.
Winifred! The mocha madness! Oh-ho! Well, I tried to tell her you wouldn't eat any, what, with your new diet.
Yeah, well, I mean, just, you know, just one little piece.
This is so good! Oh! Sweet! This is so good! Wow! Yeah! Come on, Betty Crocker.
Put a wiggle in it.
Hey, Laverne.
Hey, rhoda.
Hey, Stan.
How's it goin'? I think I'm going to get audited, and my rash came back.
Special today: Chicken mardi gras.
- Meatloaf.
- Meatloaf.
Anyway, like I was saying, from everything you've told me, it sounds like winifred's working awfully hard to impress the doctor.
Baked or mashed? - Mashed.
- Baked.
Well, she was the doctor's nurse for years, and everyone knows how much he liked her, and now, she's suddenly back in the picture.
Well, yeah, she's only tempin'.
Mm.
That's what Evelyn cook said right before she lost her job.
- Oh, what happened? - Beets or salad? - Salad.
- Beets.
Evelyn went on vacation, and when she came back, the temp had aced her out.
I'm telling you, winifred's after your job.
Sounds bad, Laverne.
Does anything ever so good to you, Stan? The chicken mardi gras.
Hey, you wouldn't happen to have any desenex on you, would you? My feet are starting to itch something awful.
I can't believe winifred is after my job.
Well I don't have a thing to worry about anyway.
Even if the doctor did try to fire me, he'd have to rehire me just to find the form.
Hey, Stan.
How about a couple of chicken salad sandwiches? One for me and one for just about the best nurse a doctor could ever have.
There.
All finished.
That's lovely, dear.
What is it? A stethoscope cozy.
It'll keep your ears from getting cold in the morning.
Well, thank you, winnie.
Doctor, exam room one.
Yes.
That's so wonderful.
Winifred is after my job.
That's ridiculous.
Ridiculous? That little office wrecker has done nothin' but try to show me up ever since she got here.
She's just a very good nurse.
You see? It's workin'.
Laverne.
Here.
Look.
Look at who you're talking about.
I guess she does look kind of innocent a-waterin' that begonia.
Must've sounded pretty crazy there for a minute, huh, doctor? Well, I boy, it's egg on my face.
Heck, a whole omelet.
Hey, that's right.
That was a good one.
Let's just forget I ever said anything.
It is forgotten.
What's so funny? Oh, I am.
I was just tellin' the doctor that I thought you's out to get my job.
That must be the screwiest thing you ever heard.
No, dear.
It's not.
I am out to get your job.
I just love the window.
I get to see everything whiz by at hundreds of miles an hour, and then we take off.
Whoosh! Thank you, Barbara, for graphically illustrating my fear.
- There.
- Fine.
All right, that's it.
Excuse me, would one of you mind switching seats with my sister? - Not at all.
- Great.
Get over there.
- Hello.
- Good morning.
So, do you go to New York a lot? All the time on business.
What are you doing? Leave the shade alone.
Where do you like to stay? At the Plaza.
Stop it.
If you know what's good for you, you'll leave the shade alone.
Okay, that's it.
You're out of here.
Pick.
Pick.
Are you happy now? You got a nun ticked off.
Welcome aboard flight 511, nonstop service to New York's Kennedy airport.
Please pay attention to the screen in front of the cabin as you review the safety features of the aircraft.
Barbara, they're reviewing the safety features.
Oh, let's phone our friends.
This information could mean the difference between life and death.
Carol, nobody listens to this stuff.
You're right.
People! People! The screen.
This is terrible.
No one is looking at the screen.
Carol, sit down.
Carol, put it down.
Give me! What are you doing? I'm showing how my seat cushion doubles as a flotation device.
Stop it.
Pick.
Pick.
Pick.
Oh, my god, we're moving! I hate you so much.
Good morning, Laverne.
How are you? Couldn't be better.
Glad to hear it, dear.
It's war, you know? Complete and total.
- Good morning, ladies.
- Good morning, doctor.
Good morning, Harry.
Nice to see you.
Well, my, my.
All this attention here.
Whoa! Thank you very much.
I have just the thing to go with that.
Yah, winnie.
- The mocha madness.
- Mm-hmm.
I thought I smelled something delicious around here.
Perhaps you smelled this, doctor.
Apple pie? My great grandma's recipe.
And legend has it she served some to general Lee just before he surrendered.
That is why I called it the apple-mattox.
I don't know, mocha madness, apple-mattox, I can't decide.
Glory, glory hallelujah apple pie looks good.
His truth is marching on I'll have the pie, yeah.
Oh, wonderful.
Thank you.
Ready to say uncle, grandma? Blow it out, dear.
I just remembered I have a lunch date on Monday with Cynthia calling about the fundraiser.
I'm booked solid on Monday.
You think you could kind of juggle my schedule around? Done.
I'll just call this Mrs.
field, Mrs.
Peterson, Mrs.
gladstone, and Mrs.
mcmurray, and reschedule for later in the week.
Mrs.
Collin? Dr.
Weston is wondering if you'd mind changing your luncheon date on Monday to dinner that night? You'd prefer it? Wonderful.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
Now, your patients won't be inconvenienced.
Winnie, that deserves a kiss.
Come over here.
Mwah! Why, thank you, Harry.
Listen, uh, while you're both here Maybe you could update the patient files.
All right? Thanks.
You're good, winnie, but I don't think you can go the distance.
All finished.
Oh, dear, I'm bored.
Too bad there aren't any letters after "z.
" What are you, one of them geezers from cocoon? - Oh, how's that filing going? - I'm done.
Laverne's a tad behind.
Look at this old file I found.
You remember Wally Mckenzie? Oh, yeah.
That chubby kid that got stuck in the dog house.
Yeah.
That was right after Libby hurt her back, and I was just starting out.
Oh, winnie! You were really there for me.
Winifred practically lived at the house.
I mean, she babysat the girls, cooked the meals, did everything.
Well, I don't call yankee pot roast with brown potatoes string beans and almonds, and homemade peach cobbler cooking, but Harry seemed to like it.
Well, you were a life-saver, dear.
I don't know how I've managed all these years without you.
- Aw.
- Except, of course, having Laverne here who's don't bother.
Now, I know how general Lee felt 'cept I ain't got no pie to comfort me.
Goodbye, doctor.
It's been a pleasure workin' for you.
Whoa-whoa-whoa.
Wait a minute.
Laverne? Laverne! Yes! Barbara.
Barbara, I heard a noise.
Why don't you tell the other passengers and see what they think? Oh, no.
You just want them to lock me in the lavatory again.
Yeah, maybe you'll get sucked out of the toilet.
Anyway, I don't care, I'm calling the stewardess.
Carol.
- Ah, come on.
- Geez! Yes, Carol? I heard a noise.
Listen, if they put you in the lavatory again, I'm not sure I can do much for you.
She's not taking me seriously.
I'm asking to speak to the pilot.
Hey-hey-hey-hey.
Don't push that button again.
Excuse me, it's my button, my prerogative.
He took my ding away.
Yeah! Hallelujah Halle-lujah Carol, would you relax? We're going to land in a few minutes.
And that's another question I have.
Why have we been circling the airport for so long? Ding! Ding! Would you stop it? Barbara, did you hear that? Yeah.
Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding- ding-ding-ding! This is the captain.
We've been unable to get our landing gear down.
We're going to have to attempt an emergency landing.
Please follow the instructions from your flight attendant.
Carol, you were right.
Oh sure, the captain you believe.
Please remain in your seats.
Faa regulations require that at this time all flight attendant Danforth to the cockpit at once.
I'll be right back.
Everyone, stay calm.
Oh, no! What are we going to do without Heather? Barbara.
Barbara, you're a cop, do something.
Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding- ding-ding-ding-ding-ding ding-ding-ding! All right, everybody.
Tray tables up.
Fasten your seat belts.
That means you, Mr.
smash-my-button.
Now, in the event of a change in cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will drop down.
Hey, does she know what she's talking about? Yeah, she's been reading the instructions on the back of the vomit bag for the past three hours.
There are six emergency exits.
Two over the wing.
Oh, no! We're going to die! We're going to die! We're not going to make it! Sit down, now! Yes, ma'am.
All right.
I want everybody in the fetal position.
Head between your legs.
Come on, now.
Head between your legs.
Do what she says! I'm scared, Carol.
It's all right.
Hold my hand.
Breathe deeply.
Barbara, aren't those my shoes you're wearing? This is the captain.
Good news! We've managed to get the landing gear down.
We can now proceed with a normal landing.
I think we should let bygones be bygones.
No matter how annoying Carol's been And she has been She came through for us, and she deserves a hand.
Carol.
You were great.
- Thanks.
- I don't get you.
You make an emergency out of every little thing, and then, when a real emergency happens, you come through like a pro.
Why is that? Because she's nuts.
- Hey, doctor.
- Hi.
Come on in.
Thank you, Laverne.
Have a seat.
Okay.
Look, Laverne, if I said anything today that hurt your feelings, I want to apologize.
Oh, no apology necessary, doctor.
That's not the reason I left.
Then why? I left in favor of the better nurse.
Laverne, winifred is a terrific nurse.
So are you.
That's not the point.
What do you mean? I work with you because I like you.
You what? I like you.
Don't you know how fond I am of you? Oh, doctor.
Oh, you're blushing.
I've never seen you blush before.
Well, it's not easy for me to hear you say these things.
Well, you should hear me say these things.
You should know that you are very, very special.
Doctor, stop.
No.
I mean, you're sweet, and you're bright, and you're kind.
Oh, you-you-you.
Ah, and you're honest, and you're full of integrity, and devotion, and if those things were to disappear from my life, I don't know what I'd do.
Get out.
Well, Laverne, you go away on your vacation, and when you come back, the office will be yours again.
Mine too, if I don't get in the way.
- Okay? - Okay, doctor.
So, you really like me? Yes, but the stabbing pain in my shoulder prevents me from reiterating that point.
Well, doctor, I guess they's something I wanna say to you.
Yeah, what's that? I really like you a lot, too.
Well, thank you very much, Laverne.
You kidder.
Well, it was a great wedding.
Well, I thought the catering was just awful.
I mean, who serves caviar and buffalo wings? Now, are you going to be okay on the flight back? - Yes.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
- Good.
Oh, no! It can't be!