Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s04e12 Episode Script
Liar Liar
1 And whoever finds the cow gets a free dessert.
- Oh, that's so cute! - I know! [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
So, any big plans for the weekend? No, not really.
Just gonna make some smoothies, stop by Rite-Aid, watch a Kent State documentary.
No.
No way.
I know.
It's still hard to believe.
They were st kids.
No.
I mean, you are too fun a guy to have that boring of a weekend, Louis.
Hey, you ought to come bowling with me and a group of my friends on Saturday.
You already have a group of friends? Because of bowling.
It's an intramural league.
Great way to meet great people.
You would love the guys.
- Oh, yeah? - Oh, absolutely.
Oliver, Sebastian, Gabe, Buckets.
He's the only one who's earned a nickname so far.
His real name is Jeffrey Polaccia.
Polaccia.
Foccacia.
Olive oil.
Popeye.
Muscles.
Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Women.
"Little Women.
" Kirsten Dunst.
Pale.
"Pail" with an "I.
" Buckets! Train of thought! Yeah! [LAUGHS.]
Now you got to come.
Bowling does sound fun.
I just have to check with the old ball and chain first.
- Hey.
[GRUMBLES.]
- Hey! [BOTH LAUGH.]
What do you think about me going bowling with Matthew Chestnut and his friends this weekend? S04E12 Liar Liar Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat I don't know.
Maybe I won't go bowling.
I don't know Matthew outside of work, and I never met any of his friends.
It would be different if you could come, but you're going to this bachelor party in Savannah.
I planned a scavenger hunt.
First one that finds a Democrat wins.
[LAUGHS.]
Come on.
You don't need me.
You'll be a little nervous at first, but you'll settle in.
Some of my fondest memories were spent with people that I didn't even know at the beginning of the night.
Hmm.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Attaboy.
Just make sure you stay sober enough to pick me up from the airport on Sunday.
God knows Honey can't do it.
Arrivals, arrivals.
Arrivals.
Okay.
No! No! How am I in the departures lane?! [BUS HORN HONKS.]
[SCREAMS.]
I am trying my best! [BUS HORN BLARES.]
Shut up! [CRYING.]
The last time, I had to take a taxi from the airport to pick her up at a Jack in the Box.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hello.
Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late.
Well, it doesn't matter now.
The middle school's production of "Anne of Green Gables" started 20 minutes ago.
By the time we get there, Anne will already be out of the gable.
I'm sorry.
I had to try on five different outfits to find one to fit my baby bump.
And I hadn't even started on my hair.
But you're not even showing.
You have no idea how tight my clothes are.
There's no margin for error.
You know, Honey, once you have a kid, you're not gonna have time to get yourself all dolled up every day.
Trust me.
If you think I'm beautiful now, you should have seen me when I had time to try.
Quick chat.
Uh-oh.
It sounds like I'm in trouble.
Have a seat.
Honey, the amount of time you spend getting ready is affecting our group plans.
Last week, we were supposed to go to a puppet show.
Before that, we were supposed to see the cast of "One Life to Live" at the mall.
You need a new pregnancy look One that will get you out of the door faster because next week, the community pool opens.
If you're not there right at 9:00, you don't get a chair, and you'll have to put your towel on the ground.
On the ground.
I would actually love a new look.
I'm ready for something more mature and low-maintenance, but I don't have any idea where to start.
We'll help you.
Close your eyes.
Think Princess Di pregnant with Harry.
[GASPS.]
What are you doing this weekend? I was thinking about seeing a movie.
Yeah.
Uh, I thought I'd see a movie, too.
Bye.
Hey, Eddie.
Did you have any trouble getting in? No.
The man with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm dying! I'm gonna die! I love Jim Carrey so much! TOGETHER: "Do not go in there!" "Whew!" Um, Nicole? Where were you with the "whew"? Don't tell me you still haven't asked out Jackie.
Are you kidding me? You guys have been talking for weeks! I know! But every time I try, I get super nervous and I chicken out.
Okay, why don't we do a group thing? So there'll be less pressure.
I'll come with you on the date, and once you guys get comfortable, I'll just slide on out.
Yeah.
That would make it less scary.
Okay.
Wait here.
I'm gonna go do it.
"Hey, girl.
Y'all hiring?" "Yeah.
What job you interested in?" "Being your girlfriend.
" "Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! You stupid.
You got the job.
When can you start?" "How about right now?" "[SCOFFS.]
But the customers!" "I'm giving you a thumbs-up 'cause you're so smart, Eddie.
Err'one underestimates you.
" What if I get there before Matthew and I have to pretend I don't see four other men wearing the same bowling shirt as me? You got to calm down, Louis.
This is low-stakes.
If you're not having a good time, you just come home.
Besides, bowling is just golf for people who like germs anyway.
I heard that sadists hide needles in the ball holes with little notes that say, "Congrats.
Now you have hep-C.
" I don't know.
I am so excited to get new clothes.
This makeover can't come soon enough.
I'm afraid my baby will have a dent on it that says "Jordache.
" Why are we stopping in front of this quilt store? This is a maternity store.
Oh.
They look less elegant when they're not on Princess Di.
We're working with a different budget, so I don't know.
These outfits are a little Ooh, you can wear that one in the shower! This is my favorite sushi place.
I came here for the first time before I saw "Life is Beautiful.
" Oh, my God.
I'm dying to see that movie.
I think it has a real shot at Cannes.
Yo.
Why is there mango in this? I'm just saying if your fish is quality, you don't need fruit.
It's so crazy we ran into you on your way home from the video store.
[CHUCKLES.]
Quelle coincidence.
Ah.
Tu parle francais.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
My mom's making me take Latin.
I can read the hell out of money.
So, you probably want to go watch that movie you rented, huh, Eddie? Oh, yeah! I rented "Ace Ventura.
Pet Detective" for the millionth time.
See ya, guys.
Have fun.
Ugh.
That movie is awful.
That giant Gumby actor is the [DISTORTED.]
worst.
Just walk away, Eddie.
[SIGHS.]
You can't control the situation.
You can only control your reaction.
Don't ruin this for Nicole by making it about you.
[INHALES, EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Nope! By "giant Gumby actor," are you referring to the greatest physical comedian of our time, Jim Carrey? What that guy does is not comedy.
It's vaudeville.
He might as well be touring with the circus.
They'd be lucky to have him! Please.
Jim Carrey has never done anything of cultural significance.
Oh.
Okay.
Let me just call up the Wayans brothers and let them know that "In Living Color" wasn't "culturally significant.
" Nicole, Jim Carrey is hilarious, right? He is pretty broad.
- Oh, Louis! - [CHUCKLES.]
I'm so glad you made it.
Let me introduce you to the guys.
That is Sebastian, Oliver, Buckets, and Gabe.
You can call me Sweetwater.
No.
No.
You cannot give yourself a nickname, Gabe.
Do not call him Sweetwater.
Um, it's nice to meet you guys.
- Good to meet you.
- Good to meet you, man.
Y-Y-You too.
Oliver is from Richmond.
Oh! I still go back for Christmas.
Oh.
Wow.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's, uh, cold in here.
Mm.
[SHIVERS.]
Well [LAUGHTER.]
Oh.
Oh.
I told you we had pizza rolls! [ALL CHEER.]
You guys got any ranch? [LAUGHTER.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, no.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[GROANS.]
Aah! How could you do this?! [SPITS.]
I know.
I hit the sauce pretty hard, but Buckets kept buying shots.
I'm not mad at you for being drunk.
I'm mad at you because you can't handle having friends.
[SNORING.]
Louis! Huh? What happened? What do you mean I can't handle having friends? I can see the warning signs.
You did this in your 20s when you got a new group of friends.
You offer your help with everything Helping them move, de-popcorning their ceiling, walking your roommate's dog Gizmo.
I mean, if anything, he was walking me.
Until you completely overextend yourself.
Your body breaks down, and you slip a disc.
You do fine when you have one good friend, like Marvin.
But when you have a whole group of them, you spread yourself too thin.
And it always starts with pizza rolls.
Oh, come on.
That was a long time ago.
Exactly.
You're not in college anymore.
If you injure yourself, you're not just missing an Ultimate Frisbee game.
You have a family you have to think about.
I'm just having fun with my new friends.
I'm not helping any of them.
Now, tomorrow we have plans to go to a Hooters and eat hot wings.
That's it.
[LAUGHS.]
Sure, Louis.
Sure.
You're going to a Hooters.
What are you really doing? Cleaning out Gabe's garage? Helping Oliver hang shelves? I swear on our children's lives that I am going to a Hooters! [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Yo! What was that the other day? Yeah, what was that? Jackie was so upset after you told her that Jim Carrey could "hump circles around Roberto Benigni" that she went home.
She didn't even eat her toothpicked orange slices.
Well, maybe you should have stuck up for me and Jim Carrey.
Maybe I should have, but I just really wanted Jackie to like me.
But you weren't being yourself.
Oh, you've never said you liked something you didn't to impress a girl.
You let me pierce your ear.
I was brave, though, right? [SCOFFS.]
I needed your help, Eddie.
This is the first girl I've ever liked.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Let me have a do-over.
We'll go hang out with Jackie on her lunch break, and this time, I'll just stay quiet and be a good wingman like I should have done last time.
Cool.
But don't order biscotti in your William Shatner voice.
It's not funny.
"Beam me up, Biscotti"?! How is that not funny? You look amazing, Honey.
HONEY: It's definitely low-maintenance, like one of the house dresses my grandma wore when her sunburn peeled.
- [SIGHS.]
- Jessica.
Give me your honest opinion.
- What do you think of - I can't right now.
I have to go to Hooters to prove that Louis isn't there and catch him in his lie, but when you're done wearing my curtains, would you mind [LAUGHING.]
hanging them back up before I get back? [LAUGHS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
I think I just have to get used to it.
You know who else just had to get used to it? The People's Princess when she saw herself in a crown for the first time.
[SIGHS.]
Charles never understood her.
I mean, how could he? Hello, Hooter.
I'm looking for my husband.
Oh, what's he look like? I'm sure to you he looks like me in a boy-wig, but if you could take off your Anglo-goggles for just one minute, he's about 5'9", hairless, but still manly.
And that's what I'm talking about, you know? [ALARM BLARING.]
Mira's here.
Quick.
Unlock the back door! He likes to shuffle his feet when he finishes sentences.
I'll just look for him myself.
He's probably not here anyway.
[SIGHS.]
Kirsten Dunst.
Pale.
"Pail" with an "I".
Buckets! [LAUGHTER.]
That's so great.
She gets it.
- Anything else? - I think we're good.
I can't believe you were really at a Hooters, Louis! I am so proud of you.
I told you I've outgrown overextending myself.
Well, go have a great rest of the night with your friends.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, let's take this party to a gas station with a slushie machine! [ALL CHUCKLE.]
I wish.
Uh, I got to get back home and relieve Stef with the baby.
I can't remember the last time we had a night out together.
Oh, no, Sebastian.
That's terrible.
Well Hmm.
Your car is idling a little rough, Buckets.
Pop the hood.
I just need 10 minutes.
BUCKETS: Oh.
Does anybody know why the Hooters mascot is an owl? Are Are the owl's eyes boobs? So, that's the first time art touched my soul.
Wow.
So, what was the second? That's a better story, actually.
So, I stayed up all night to watch [THEME TO "TOP GUN" PLAYS.]
JESTER: Get your butts above the hard deck and return to base immediately.
Tower, this is Ghost Rider requesting a flyby.
Negative, Ghost Rider.
The pattern is full.
No, no, Mav.
This is not a good idea.
Sorry, Goose, but it's time to buzz the tower.
So I have to drive my little brother to a Third Eye Blind concert.
Their music sucks.
It so does.
I hate Third Eye Blind.
Wait.
I thought the other night you said you liked them.
Um no.
I-I said that ironically.
Uh, like I s-say how I like French.
[CHUCKLES.]
So you don't like French? No.
What? I do.
Brain fart.
[CHUCKLES.]
I should go.
Andrew is slammed.
"Son, you have no future in art.
" Well, Mom, how do you explain this?! [SIGHS.]
That's right, Iceman.
I am dangerous! What happened? Where's Jackie? You and Stef have fun.
Rollin' with my homies You only get one chance to catch the judges' eye, Mackenzie.
Rollin' with my homies Sippin' yak all night You see, Lucas, women have a flower, and men have a watering can, or penis.
Rollin' with my homies Sippin' yak all night Any mother of Matthew's is a mother of mine.
And it's all right Rollin' with my homies Sippin' yak all night Yeah I got us on the way in the C-B-T Ohh! And it's all right Ohh! Your blood pressure is perfect, and your lung health is strong.
You are in excellent shape, Seb.
Just, uh, promise me you'll lay off those Keebler Fudge Stripes.
Hey, I don't make promises I can't keep.
[LAUGHING.]
Okay! [BOTH LAUGH.]
I do think I should take a look at your friend who gave you a ride here, though.
Oh.
He has, uh, clearly slipped a disc.
I'm sorry it's a little dirty down there.
I can clean it for you.
[GROANS.]
Don't cry.
Do not cry! Hey, muffin! "Muffin"? Did you just make that up? Oh, I love that! [LAUGHING.]
Oh, my God! Muffin! [LAUGHS.]
[EXHALES.]
We can still fix this.
What should I do? What can I say to make Jackie like me? Nicole, you can't make someone like you.
I just don't know what to say anymore.
I keep telling her these things I think she wants to hear, but nothing is working.
Because it's not real.
You got to be yourself.
You're awesome, and if you show Jackie the real you, she'll think so, too.
Yeah.
[COCKNEY ACCENT.]
Cheerio.
Welcome to the Tower of London, ya old booz-ah! Go grind some beans, Andrew.
I'm really busy, Nicole.
I don't speak French.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm super into Third Eye Blind.
I saw them when they opened for Oasis.
I will never see "Life is Beautiful.
" But most importantly, I absolutely, balls to the wall, love Jim Carrey.
"Dumb and Dumber" is the funniest movie I've ever seen in my life.
I lied to you about all of that stuff s-so so you'd like me.
Because I really like you.
I'm sorry, Nicole.
I can get over the other things, but I can't be with someone who just speaks one language.
Call me if you decide to expand your borders.
There's a whole world out there.
[SIGHS.]
I'm so sorry.
That did not go how I thought it would.
Actually it's fine.
- Really? - You were right.
I've spent such a long time pretending to be someone I'm not.
And I'm not gonna start that again now.
You really are awesome, Nicole.
And don't worry.
Nobody ever winds up with the first girl they like.
Look at your dad.
Okay, Eddie.
I have 8:51.
What do you have? What are you wearing? It's the maternity dress we bought.
It just needed a little help from my old friend Janome.
That's a sewing-machine brand.
The whole point was to get you a simpler look so you'd be on time.
I have 8:52 now! It'll get better when I alter all the dresses because my hair only takes me 10 minutes now.
I'm getting hours of my life back, and it's thanks to you guys.
That's great, Honey.
We're happy for you.
I guess it is nice helping a person improve their life.
Come on.
We're gonna quit inviting her places, right? She's out.
100%.
[GRUNTS.]
You've been doing a child's science projt! And don't say Evan! I know he thinks glitter is a distraction from quality work.
No, the glitter is from a Hooters waitress, I swear.
You slipped a disc.
[SCOFFS.]
I didn't! Then get up and walk to me.
[WESTERN-THEMED MUSIC PLAYS.]
Why do you always do this? I don't know.
I just want people to want to be my friend.
Well, they do.
But not because you do stuff for them.
Because they just like you.
You're a good person and a good friend.
LOUIS: [THINKING.]
Marvin! I know my buddy Lou will be here any minute now.
You just have to learn how to strike a balance.
When you try to do too many things for too many people, you end up neglecting the ones closest to You are not listening to me, are you? Where does this compulsion to help people come from, Louis? It has to come from somewhere.
Okay.
When I was in third grade, my friend Sam asked me to take care of his parrot, Lulu, while he was on vacation.
I was so excited because I never had a pet before.
Sam told me that it was important that Lulu finished all her meals because she was on antibiotics and how it would be best if I hand-fed her.
Well, it took some time for Lulu to trust me, but when Sam got back from Bimini What does this have to do with anything? Nothing! I made it up.
I could tell that you wanted an origin story, and I wanted to give you one because I liked that you needed that from me.
[SIGHS.]
Why was Lulu on antibiotics? I like being "the guy," okay? The guy who people call when they need something, the guy who's always around.
I like to be needed.
Sometimes all people need from you is your friendship.
Hey, buddy, you hardly help me at all, and I love hanging out with you.
I just drove you round-trip to the Tampa airport because it was cheaper than flying out of Orlando.
I love being by the beach.
[SNIFFS.]
Looks like I got to repaint my rec room.
Let me tell you something Never paint a family space with a flat finish.
Fingerprints show up like stars in a Montana sky.
And I can't just paint one wall 'cause then it'll be brighter than all the others.
Matthew, I will not repaint your rec room for you.
I didn't think you would.
I hired painters.
You still want to be friends with me? Of course! Yeah! Me and the guys love hanging out with you Dogwood.
A nickname? Yeah.
Slipped disc.
Disc.
Frisbee.
Dog.
Tree.
Dogwood.
You earned it! [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Just do not tell Gabe.
He'll jump off a bridge.
Oh.
- Oh, that's so cute! - I know! [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
So, any big plans for the weekend? No, not really.
Just gonna make some smoothies, stop by Rite-Aid, watch a Kent State documentary.
No.
No way.
I know.
It's still hard to believe.
They were st kids.
No.
I mean, you are too fun a guy to have that boring of a weekend, Louis.
Hey, you ought to come bowling with me and a group of my friends on Saturday.
You already have a group of friends? Because of bowling.
It's an intramural league.
Great way to meet great people.
You would love the guys.
- Oh, yeah? - Oh, absolutely.
Oliver, Sebastian, Gabe, Buckets.
He's the only one who's earned a nickname so far.
His real name is Jeffrey Polaccia.
Polaccia.
Foccacia.
Olive oil.
Popeye.
Muscles.
Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Women.
"Little Women.
" Kirsten Dunst.
Pale.
"Pail" with an "I.
" Buckets! Train of thought! Yeah! [LAUGHS.]
Now you got to come.
Bowling does sound fun.
I just have to check with the old ball and chain first.
- Hey.
[GRUMBLES.]
- Hey! [BOTH LAUGH.]
What do you think about me going bowling with Matthew Chestnut and his friends this weekend? S04E12 Liar Liar Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat I don't know.
Maybe I won't go bowling.
I don't know Matthew outside of work, and I never met any of his friends.
It would be different if you could come, but you're going to this bachelor party in Savannah.
I planned a scavenger hunt.
First one that finds a Democrat wins.
[LAUGHS.]
Come on.
You don't need me.
You'll be a little nervous at first, but you'll settle in.
Some of my fondest memories were spent with people that I didn't even know at the beginning of the night.
Hmm.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Attaboy.
Just make sure you stay sober enough to pick me up from the airport on Sunday.
God knows Honey can't do it.
Arrivals, arrivals.
Arrivals.
Okay.
No! No! How am I in the departures lane?! [BUS HORN HONKS.]
[SCREAMS.]
I am trying my best! [BUS HORN BLARES.]
Shut up! [CRYING.]
The last time, I had to take a taxi from the airport to pick her up at a Jack in the Box.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hello.
Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late.
Well, it doesn't matter now.
The middle school's production of "Anne of Green Gables" started 20 minutes ago.
By the time we get there, Anne will already be out of the gable.
I'm sorry.
I had to try on five different outfits to find one to fit my baby bump.
And I hadn't even started on my hair.
But you're not even showing.
You have no idea how tight my clothes are.
There's no margin for error.
You know, Honey, once you have a kid, you're not gonna have time to get yourself all dolled up every day.
Trust me.
If you think I'm beautiful now, you should have seen me when I had time to try.
Quick chat.
Uh-oh.
It sounds like I'm in trouble.
Have a seat.
Honey, the amount of time you spend getting ready is affecting our group plans.
Last week, we were supposed to go to a puppet show.
Before that, we were supposed to see the cast of "One Life to Live" at the mall.
You need a new pregnancy look One that will get you out of the door faster because next week, the community pool opens.
If you're not there right at 9:00, you don't get a chair, and you'll have to put your towel on the ground.
On the ground.
I would actually love a new look.
I'm ready for something more mature and low-maintenance, but I don't have any idea where to start.
We'll help you.
Close your eyes.
Think Princess Di pregnant with Harry.
[GASPS.]
What are you doing this weekend? I was thinking about seeing a movie.
Yeah.
Uh, I thought I'd see a movie, too.
Bye.
Hey, Eddie.
Did you have any trouble getting in? No.
The man with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm dying! I'm gonna die! I love Jim Carrey so much! TOGETHER: "Do not go in there!" "Whew!" Um, Nicole? Where were you with the "whew"? Don't tell me you still haven't asked out Jackie.
Are you kidding me? You guys have been talking for weeks! I know! But every time I try, I get super nervous and I chicken out.
Okay, why don't we do a group thing? So there'll be less pressure.
I'll come with you on the date, and once you guys get comfortable, I'll just slide on out.
Yeah.
That would make it less scary.
Okay.
Wait here.
I'm gonna go do it.
"Hey, girl.
Y'all hiring?" "Yeah.
What job you interested in?" "Being your girlfriend.
" "Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! You stupid.
You got the job.
When can you start?" "How about right now?" "[SCOFFS.]
But the customers!" "I'm giving you a thumbs-up 'cause you're so smart, Eddie.
Err'one underestimates you.
" What if I get there before Matthew and I have to pretend I don't see four other men wearing the same bowling shirt as me? You got to calm down, Louis.
This is low-stakes.
If you're not having a good time, you just come home.
Besides, bowling is just golf for people who like germs anyway.
I heard that sadists hide needles in the ball holes with little notes that say, "Congrats.
Now you have hep-C.
" I don't know.
I am so excited to get new clothes.
This makeover can't come soon enough.
I'm afraid my baby will have a dent on it that says "Jordache.
" Why are we stopping in front of this quilt store? This is a maternity store.
Oh.
They look less elegant when they're not on Princess Di.
We're working with a different budget, so I don't know.
These outfits are a little Ooh, you can wear that one in the shower! This is my favorite sushi place.
I came here for the first time before I saw "Life is Beautiful.
" Oh, my God.
I'm dying to see that movie.
I think it has a real shot at Cannes.
Yo.
Why is there mango in this? I'm just saying if your fish is quality, you don't need fruit.
It's so crazy we ran into you on your way home from the video store.
[CHUCKLES.]
Quelle coincidence.
Ah.
Tu parle francais.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
My mom's making me take Latin.
I can read the hell out of money.
So, you probably want to go watch that movie you rented, huh, Eddie? Oh, yeah! I rented "Ace Ventura.
Pet Detective" for the millionth time.
See ya, guys.
Have fun.
Ugh.
That movie is awful.
That giant Gumby actor is the [DISTORTED.]
worst.
Just walk away, Eddie.
[SIGHS.]
You can't control the situation.
You can only control your reaction.
Don't ruin this for Nicole by making it about you.
[INHALES, EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Nope! By "giant Gumby actor," are you referring to the greatest physical comedian of our time, Jim Carrey? What that guy does is not comedy.
It's vaudeville.
He might as well be touring with the circus.
They'd be lucky to have him! Please.
Jim Carrey has never done anything of cultural significance.
Oh.
Okay.
Let me just call up the Wayans brothers and let them know that "In Living Color" wasn't "culturally significant.
" Nicole, Jim Carrey is hilarious, right? He is pretty broad.
- Oh, Louis! - [CHUCKLES.]
I'm so glad you made it.
Let me introduce you to the guys.
That is Sebastian, Oliver, Buckets, and Gabe.
You can call me Sweetwater.
No.
No.
You cannot give yourself a nickname, Gabe.
Do not call him Sweetwater.
Um, it's nice to meet you guys.
- Good to meet you.
- Good to meet you, man.
Y-Y-You too.
Oliver is from Richmond.
Oh! I still go back for Christmas.
Oh.
Wow.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's, uh, cold in here.
Mm.
[SHIVERS.]
Well [LAUGHTER.]
Oh.
Oh.
I told you we had pizza rolls! [ALL CHEER.]
You guys got any ranch? [LAUGHTER.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, no.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[GROANS.]
Aah! How could you do this?! [SPITS.]
I know.
I hit the sauce pretty hard, but Buckets kept buying shots.
I'm not mad at you for being drunk.
I'm mad at you because you can't handle having friends.
[SNORING.]
Louis! Huh? What happened? What do you mean I can't handle having friends? I can see the warning signs.
You did this in your 20s when you got a new group of friends.
You offer your help with everything Helping them move, de-popcorning their ceiling, walking your roommate's dog Gizmo.
I mean, if anything, he was walking me.
Until you completely overextend yourself.
Your body breaks down, and you slip a disc.
You do fine when you have one good friend, like Marvin.
But when you have a whole group of them, you spread yourself too thin.
And it always starts with pizza rolls.
Oh, come on.
That was a long time ago.
Exactly.
You're not in college anymore.
If you injure yourself, you're not just missing an Ultimate Frisbee game.
You have a family you have to think about.
I'm just having fun with my new friends.
I'm not helping any of them.
Now, tomorrow we have plans to go to a Hooters and eat hot wings.
That's it.
[LAUGHS.]
Sure, Louis.
Sure.
You're going to a Hooters.
What are you really doing? Cleaning out Gabe's garage? Helping Oliver hang shelves? I swear on our children's lives that I am going to a Hooters! [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Yo! What was that the other day? Yeah, what was that? Jackie was so upset after you told her that Jim Carrey could "hump circles around Roberto Benigni" that she went home.
She didn't even eat her toothpicked orange slices.
Well, maybe you should have stuck up for me and Jim Carrey.
Maybe I should have, but I just really wanted Jackie to like me.
But you weren't being yourself.
Oh, you've never said you liked something you didn't to impress a girl.
You let me pierce your ear.
I was brave, though, right? [SCOFFS.]
I needed your help, Eddie.
This is the first girl I've ever liked.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Let me have a do-over.
We'll go hang out with Jackie on her lunch break, and this time, I'll just stay quiet and be a good wingman like I should have done last time.
Cool.
But don't order biscotti in your William Shatner voice.
It's not funny.
"Beam me up, Biscotti"?! How is that not funny? You look amazing, Honey.
HONEY: It's definitely low-maintenance, like one of the house dresses my grandma wore when her sunburn peeled.
- [SIGHS.]
- Jessica.
Give me your honest opinion.
- What do you think of - I can't right now.
I have to go to Hooters to prove that Louis isn't there and catch him in his lie, but when you're done wearing my curtains, would you mind [LAUGHING.]
hanging them back up before I get back? [LAUGHS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
I think I just have to get used to it.
You know who else just had to get used to it? The People's Princess when she saw herself in a crown for the first time.
[SIGHS.]
Charles never understood her.
I mean, how could he? Hello, Hooter.
I'm looking for my husband.
Oh, what's he look like? I'm sure to you he looks like me in a boy-wig, but if you could take off your Anglo-goggles for just one minute, he's about 5'9", hairless, but still manly.
And that's what I'm talking about, you know? [ALARM BLARING.]
Mira's here.
Quick.
Unlock the back door! He likes to shuffle his feet when he finishes sentences.
I'll just look for him myself.
He's probably not here anyway.
[SIGHS.]
Kirsten Dunst.
Pale.
"Pail" with an "I".
Buckets! [LAUGHTER.]
That's so great.
She gets it.
- Anything else? - I think we're good.
I can't believe you were really at a Hooters, Louis! I am so proud of you.
I told you I've outgrown overextending myself.
Well, go have a great rest of the night with your friends.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, let's take this party to a gas station with a slushie machine! [ALL CHUCKLE.]
I wish.
Uh, I got to get back home and relieve Stef with the baby.
I can't remember the last time we had a night out together.
Oh, no, Sebastian.
That's terrible.
Well Hmm.
Your car is idling a little rough, Buckets.
Pop the hood.
I just need 10 minutes.
BUCKETS: Oh.
Does anybody know why the Hooters mascot is an owl? Are Are the owl's eyes boobs? So, that's the first time art touched my soul.
Wow.
So, what was the second? That's a better story, actually.
So, I stayed up all night to watch [THEME TO "TOP GUN" PLAYS.]
JESTER: Get your butts above the hard deck and return to base immediately.
Tower, this is Ghost Rider requesting a flyby.
Negative, Ghost Rider.
The pattern is full.
No, no, Mav.
This is not a good idea.
Sorry, Goose, but it's time to buzz the tower.
So I have to drive my little brother to a Third Eye Blind concert.
Their music sucks.
It so does.
I hate Third Eye Blind.
Wait.
I thought the other night you said you liked them.
Um no.
I-I said that ironically.
Uh, like I s-say how I like French.
[CHUCKLES.]
So you don't like French? No.
What? I do.
Brain fart.
[CHUCKLES.]
I should go.
Andrew is slammed.
"Son, you have no future in art.
" Well, Mom, how do you explain this?! [SIGHS.]
That's right, Iceman.
I am dangerous! What happened? Where's Jackie? You and Stef have fun.
Rollin' with my homies You only get one chance to catch the judges' eye, Mackenzie.
Rollin' with my homies Sippin' yak all night You see, Lucas, women have a flower, and men have a watering can, or penis.
Rollin' with my homies Sippin' yak all night Any mother of Matthew's is a mother of mine.
And it's all right Rollin' with my homies Sippin' yak all night Yeah I got us on the way in the C-B-T Ohh! And it's all right Ohh! Your blood pressure is perfect, and your lung health is strong.
You are in excellent shape, Seb.
Just, uh, promise me you'll lay off those Keebler Fudge Stripes.
Hey, I don't make promises I can't keep.
[LAUGHING.]
Okay! [BOTH LAUGH.]
I do think I should take a look at your friend who gave you a ride here, though.
Oh.
He has, uh, clearly slipped a disc.
I'm sorry it's a little dirty down there.
I can clean it for you.
[GROANS.]
Don't cry.
Do not cry! Hey, muffin! "Muffin"? Did you just make that up? Oh, I love that! [LAUGHING.]
Oh, my God! Muffin! [LAUGHS.]
[EXHALES.]
We can still fix this.
What should I do? What can I say to make Jackie like me? Nicole, you can't make someone like you.
I just don't know what to say anymore.
I keep telling her these things I think she wants to hear, but nothing is working.
Because it's not real.
You got to be yourself.
You're awesome, and if you show Jackie the real you, she'll think so, too.
Yeah.
[COCKNEY ACCENT.]
Cheerio.
Welcome to the Tower of London, ya old booz-ah! Go grind some beans, Andrew.
I'm really busy, Nicole.
I don't speak French.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm super into Third Eye Blind.
I saw them when they opened for Oasis.
I will never see "Life is Beautiful.
" But most importantly, I absolutely, balls to the wall, love Jim Carrey.
"Dumb and Dumber" is the funniest movie I've ever seen in my life.
I lied to you about all of that stuff s-so so you'd like me.
Because I really like you.
I'm sorry, Nicole.
I can get over the other things, but I can't be with someone who just speaks one language.
Call me if you decide to expand your borders.
There's a whole world out there.
[SIGHS.]
I'm so sorry.
That did not go how I thought it would.
Actually it's fine.
- Really? - You were right.
I've spent such a long time pretending to be someone I'm not.
And I'm not gonna start that again now.
You really are awesome, Nicole.
And don't worry.
Nobody ever winds up with the first girl they like.
Look at your dad.
Okay, Eddie.
I have 8:51.
What do you have? What are you wearing? It's the maternity dress we bought.
It just needed a little help from my old friend Janome.
That's a sewing-machine brand.
The whole point was to get you a simpler look so you'd be on time.
I have 8:52 now! It'll get better when I alter all the dresses because my hair only takes me 10 minutes now.
I'm getting hours of my life back, and it's thanks to you guys.
That's great, Honey.
We're happy for you.
I guess it is nice helping a person improve their life.
Come on.
We're gonna quit inviting her places, right? She's out.
100%.
[GRUNTS.]
You've been doing a child's science projt! And don't say Evan! I know he thinks glitter is a distraction from quality work.
No, the glitter is from a Hooters waitress, I swear.
You slipped a disc.
[SCOFFS.]
I didn't! Then get up and walk to me.
[WESTERN-THEMED MUSIC PLAYS.]
Why do you always do this? I don't know.
I just want people to want to be my friend.
Well, they do.
But not because you do stuff for them.
Because they just like you.
You're a good person and a good friend.
LOUIS: [THINKING.]
Marvin! I know my buddy Lou will be here any minute now.
You just have to learn how to strike a balance.
When you try to do too many things for too many people, you end up neglecting the ones closest to You are not listening to me, are you? Where does this compulsion to help people come from, Louis? It has to come from somewhere.
Okay.
When I was in third grade, my friend Sam asked me to take care of his parrot, Lulu, while he was on vacation.
I was so excited because I never had a pet before.
Sam told me that it was important that Lulu finished all her meals because she was on antibiotics and how it would be best if I hand-fed her.
Well, it took some time for Lulu to trust me, but when Sam got back from Bimini What does this have to do with anything? Nothing! I made it up.
I could tell that you wanted an origin story, and I wanted to give you one because I liked that you needed that from me.
[SIGHS.]
Why was Lulu on antibiotics? I like being "the guy," okay? The guy who people call when they need something, the guy who's always around.
I like to be needed.
Sometimes all people need from you is your friendship.
Hey, buddy, you hardly help me at all, and I love hanging out with you.
I just drove you round-trip to the Tampa airport because it was cheaper than flying out of Orlando.
I love being by the beach.
[SNIFFS.]
Looks like I got to repaint my rec room.
Let me tell you something Never paint a family space with a flat finish.
Fingerprints show up like stars in a Montana sky.
And I can't just paint one wall 'cause then it'll be brighter than all the others.
Matthew, I will not repaint your rec room for you.
I didn't think you would.
I hired painters.
You still want to be friends with me? Of course! Yeah! Me and the guys love hanging out with you Dogwood.
A nickname? Yeah.
Slipped disc.
Disc.
Frisbee.
Dog.
Tree.
Dogwood.
You earned it! [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Just do not tell Gabe.
He'll jump off a bridge.
Oh.