Futurama s04e12 Episode Script

Shatner's log: Airdate: unknown.
The impossible has happened.
It would take days to recount|the event's I've witnessed.
So, settle in.
It all began Quiet you! This court martial is now in session! The honourably sexy Zapp Brannigan residing.
Bring in the accused! Oh my! Phillip J.
Fry.
You stand accused of travelling|to the forbidden planet Omega 3, a crime punishable by 12 concurrent|death sentences.
You understand the charges? "Yes", so noted.
Do you plead guilty? Double "Yes".
Guilty! I will now carry out the sentences.
- Kif, my gun.
|- Wait! He plead not guilty.
Order! Order in the court! Very well then Mr Fry.
Please recount the events that lead you to be guilty.
The Professor said he was taking a brief nap, so we only have time for 6 movies.
Lets take these 6 Jim Carrey movies|and record over them.
You know what 6 movies average|out to be really good? The first six Star Trek movies! Everybody hit the deck! Those words are forbidden! Quels mots? Star Trek? Shut your gills! That sound! Patrol Car 718! Hide him! The court is intrigued.
Perhaps we could hear more about|these forbidden words, from someone with a sexilly seductive voice.
With pleasure.
You see the show was banned after|the Star Trek wars.
You mean after the vast migration of Star Wars fans? No, that was the Star Wars trek.
By the 23rd Century Star Trek fandom had evolved from the loose assosciation of nerds with|skin problems into a full blown religion.
«And Scotty beamed them to the Klingon ship|where they would be no Tribble at all.
» «All power to the engines.
» As country after country fell under its influence, world leaders became threatened by the movement's power.
And so the Trekkies were executed in|the manner most befitting virgins.
He's dead Jim! Finally, the sacred texts were banned.
.
The last copies of the 79 episodes and 6 movies were dumped on the forbidden world Omega 3.
Along with that blooper reel where the door|doesn't close all the way.
Last, Star Trek was forever scoured from human memory.
Another classic Science-Fiction show cancelled before its time.
I've never heard of such a brutal and shocking injustice that I cared so little about.
Next witness! Will Bender the robot please take the stand.
She's all yours buddy! I'd only met the defendant Fry once, but I knew he was up to no good.
Please use the beeps.
Mr Nimoy.
I came as soon as I heard|what happened centuries ago.
I can't believe your show was banned.
I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
You know.
1966, 79 episodes, about 30 good ones.
Oh really, I've done too many things|to remember one particular TV series.
But if you want to discuss my books of poetry C'mon! Remember that episode where you go|high on spores and smacked Kirk around? No.
Perhaps you're thinking of my one man|show about Vincent van Spock.
I mean Van Gogh! Damn! You can't escape it! Oh you're right I can't.
Jeez, don't get upset.
I mean, OK I outwitted you but No, it's my fellow cast members.
This planet doesn't appreciate us anymore, Leonard.
Bill, you are, and always shall be, my friend.
But I just signed a 6 month lease on my apartment.
I can't walk away from a commitment like that.
Very well my friend.
Why did the world turn its back|on our obvious greatness? I'm literally angry with rage! Your co-stars may be gone but we can|still get those episode tapes back for the whole world to see! Come on! Yesss! Front row! You can't go to Omega 3!|It's forbidden, I forbid you! But we have to.
The world needs Star Trek to give|people hope for the future.
But it's set 800 years in the past! Yeah, why is this so important to you? 'cause it, it taught me so much.
Like how you should accept people.
Whether|they be black, white, Klingon or even female.
But most importantly, when I didn't have|any friends it made me feel like maybe I did.
Well, that is touchingly pathetic.
|I guess I can't let you go alone.
I'll go too.
With Leonard's permission of course.
We're entering the Omega system.
Warning: You are now in forbidden space.
Forbidden shmershmidden! What are they gonna|do? Write a letter? I'm so scared! I've lost control of the ship! Dip! Dip indeed! It's all stuff from that forbidden show.
So many cardboard sets, so many memories.
- If only the others|- I guess thats my cue.
Bill! Eldo! - This is wonderful!|- Oh man.
I feel like hugging you.
Well I would but you have no body! And we're both men.
Nichelle! George! Walter!|DeForest! Welshey! Welshey? We did some musical reunion specials|in the 2200's, but the guy who played Scotty had trouble yodelling.
Ever since then, Welshey has been a|welcome participant in our escapades.
I can't believe it! How'd you all end up here? We were on our way to Welshey's cousin's|house to stay in the guest room, when our ship was pulled down to this|planet and crashed.
Just like yours.
When we woke up, we had these bodies.
Say it in Russian! Ven ve voke up ve had these wodies.
- Now say nuclear wessels!|- No! You'll love it here! Everything is provided for us.
And we never age.
Check out these abs.
But who's doing all this for you? You know we never thought about it.
We're famous celebrities we're used|to this sort of treatment.
It is I! What a cheesy effect! I am not an effect! You doubt my power? I do! Welsheeeeeeeey! This court will now hear some very sensual testemony from this court's ex lover, Turanga Leela.
Go yourself.
Behold another power, different|from the one you saw earlier.
Hey! A body! Buff, tanned.
Yeah, this is mine alright! Alright you gas! What's the deal? Centuries ago, the videotaped adventures of the Enterprise crew rained down upon my planet.
Over and over I watched them.
|Especially the 5 with the energy beings.
I am Melllvar! Seer of the tapes!|Knower of the episodes! Tremble before my encyclopeadic|knowledge of Star Trek! Tremble? I laugh.
No one knows more|about Star Trek than me! I beg to differ.
Long have I waited for the one who played Spock.
At last, we can begin.
Cool! A Star Trek convention! Melllvar can you give us some idea|of how long this is going to last? Until time stops.
You can't do this! Now, we have a full schedule of events Can people who hate Star Trek leave? Good question! No you have to stay even longer.
Sign it to Melllvar.
Melllvar has three I's.
I think I've done enough conventions|to know how to spell "Melllvar".
Say "nerd"! Nerd! I'm Slim Shady.
Yes.
I'm the real Shady.
All you other Slim Shady's are just imitating.
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up please stand up please stand up ow can you do a spoken word version of a rap song? He found a way.
For one hundred quatloos Who did the Captain Maroon on Ceti Alpha V? Khaaan! - Khan?|- Correct.
My button has broken.
|The trivia contest has ended.
I now have a surprise.
You will perform a fan script, written by the ultimate Trek fan.
You have my fan script? I meant me! Melllvar is the ultimate fan! I was confused because the scoreboard|says something different! Trivia contest over! Take your scripts! We have limited rehearsal time.
I didn't make enough copies of the script so,|George and Walter will have to share.
You probably don't want us to see you|rehearsing or it'll give away the ending.
That's right! The ending must not be ruined! We'll go wait in the ship.
OK.
Not until I get my 600 quatloos.
This is wrong.
We shouldn't have abandoned them there.
I dunno.
I'm feeling pretty good about it.
I didn't want to leave them either Fry, but|what are we supposed to do? Well, usually on the show, someone would|come up with a complicated plan, then explain it with a simple analogy.
If we can reroute engine power|through the primary weapons, and reconfigure them to Melllvar's frequency that should overload his|electro-quantum structure.
.
Like putting too much air in a ballon! Of course! It's so simple! Alas my ship whom I love like a woman is disabled.
Oh Lord! Fascinating, Captain, and logical too.
|We need some help.
Look, captain.
Melllvar will help us.
Keptin, I wope he vill help our vessel.
Wessel! You're not acting hard enough! Melllvar, you have to respect your actors.
When I was directing Star Trek IV, I got a magnificent performance out of Bill|because I respected him so much.
And when I directed Star Trek V, I got a|magnificent performance out of me because I respected me so much! OK! I'm done rekafoobling the energy motron.
Or, whatever.
Fire! My, what a handsome energy|creature you are.
I love you.
Hey you wrote it! Its not working.
He's drawing|straight from our weapons.
Like a balloon when something bad happens.
So uh, how's rehearsal going? Lousy.
Here I've been admiring|a bunch of actors while you, a crew of genuine space heroes,|risked your lives to save them.
Hey! We've done heroic things too! Yeah! In the third season I kissed Shatner! Silence! My whole world has turned|upside down.
I have but one option.
- Keep them and let us go?|- No! To determine who is more worthy|of my fanatical devotion I shall pit you together against|each other in armed combat.
To the death! Where'd you get an idiotic idea like that? Episodes 19, 46, 56 and 77.
Great list.
Except, you forgot episode 66! I was getting to that one! So Melllvar ordered a battle to the death.
I assume no one survived.
Can we get on with this?|My foot's getting tired! This will be a standard battle to the death.
The only weapons: whatever you can find.
But I warn you: do nothing until|I signal the start of combat! OK start.
I don't have much experience of fighting.
|Except with you guys.
I have an idea.
Wasn't there an episode|where I threw my shoe at the enemy? You mean Doohan? Whoever it was, I did it like this.
My foot's cold! There.
We can make these into spears.
And we can tie these caterpillars together|to make bow strings for bows and arrows.
And we can use this machine gun to shoot them! That was fun! What if I distract them with my famous fan dance? Oh yes good good good good.
And the George,|you give them a karate chop! I find that offensive.
Just because|I'm of Japanese ancestry, you assume I know karate.
Have I ever lead you to belive I've studied karate? Well no, but you never talk about yourself.
Maybe if you showed a little interest.
Well.
Here goes nothing.
Hello boys! There's no right way to hit a woman.
- Then do it the wrong way.
|- Fine.
Is that all you've got? - Come on Walter!|- Take that! That hurts! Lets see if this actually works! My face! My face too! May I? Excellent! Excellent! Leela, please.
This is exactly what Melllvar wants.
We're just pawns in his diabolical game of checkers.
Can't we resolve our differences in some other way? Melllvar! Dinnertime! But mom! I'm playing with my collectables! Now! All this time we thought he|was a powerful superbeing, when he was just a child.
He's not a child, he's 34! All right Koenig, I've wanted to do this for years! Bender wait! This is our chance to escape,|before Melllvar comes back.
But we all need to work together.
We've decided to work together.
Hmm, so did they.
Now, how do we escape? We can't use our ship.
The life support|works but the engines are wrecked.
Ironic.
Because our engines work, but|our life support systems don't.
Hey, if your engines work and your life support systems work Stop! You're just goin' around in circles! Think Fry, think! Everyone's depending on you.
We're too heavy.
You guys need|to lose some weight.
Fast! Look Leonard! We're light enough to|keep the tapes! Isn't that great? I'm living in a cafilterfish jar.
We did it! Melllvar's got a spaceship! Yes in mint condition.
And you made|me take it out of the package! The Nimbus! We're saved! You're under arrest.
Prepare to be boarded.
So I boarded you then.
What happened next? You started this stupid court martial.
|Now if you don't mind we're still fighting Melllvar! One more hit and we're done for! Let's take them out with us.
Do you|guys have a self destruct code? Like destruct sequence 1A2B3 Thanks a lot Takei, now everybody knows! If I can't have the original cast|of Star Trek, no one will! - Prepare to die!|- Wait! If they mean that much to you,|why do you wanna kill them? Because I I I dunno what I'd do without them.
Melllvar, you can't let a TV show be your whole life.
You can do anything you want.
|Look at Walter Koenig.
After Star Trek, he became an actor! Not just an actor, but a well rounded person.
With my own friends, credit cards, keys.
Well I guess I could move out of my parents' basement maybe get a temp job.
One step at a time.
I thank you Fry.
You know, you and I are of a kind.
In a different|reality I could have called you "friend".
Episode 10, "Balance of Terror".
More like episode 9, loser! In your face!|Victory is mine! I wonder my friends, was he really|such an evil energy gas? He did give us eternal youth.
A full assortment of rum both spiced and regular.
Truly, he was a paradise.
And all you had to put up with was|one really annoying Star Trek fan.
Let's get the hell outta here!