Hercules: The Legendary Journeys s04e12 Episode Script

Make sure you account for every dinar, Salmoneus.
My brother intends distributing them to the poor.
To thepoor?I mean, to the poor.
May they always benefit from the king's generosity.
Yes, he always had a big heart.
Why, I remember when we were little, he gave my toys to the servants' children.
What an inspiration to us all.
Uh-huh.
Um, I ought to get back to work.
I promised King Pholus I'd be done by the time he finished his nap.
Don't worry.
I'm sure you'll have plenty of time.
Alone at last, just the million of us.
And though we can't be together for long, we'll always remember the time we shared.
Who's there? I warn ya! I know Hercules! If anything happens to me, he's gonna be very upset.
Hey.
What's the big idea? Please.
I'm only the king's accountant.
Take the money! Just leave my commission, okay? I'll do anything.
You can start by letting go of my leg.
Your leg? Of course.
Shoeshine, Your Mercifulness? The name's Autolycus.
Perhaps you've heard of me? Who? Oh, the King of Thieves! It's an honor to be robbed by you, sir.
Think nothing of it, my good man.
You say you know Hercules.
Me, Salmoneus, know Hercules? We're the best of friends, like strawberries and cream, apples and honey, Peaches and Herb.
Funny, he never mentioned you.
Really? Listen, since we got the big guy in common, you're not gonna hurt me, are ya? Well, that depends on you now, doesn't it? You can either stand here and watch me take this money, or I can club you over the head, and I'll take it anyway.
What was the first part, again? King Pholus! No! Rosebush.
By the gods! They've killed the king! Well, best of luck.
See ya later, whoo! Autolycus, wait.
After all we've been through together, you gotta take me with you! - Oh, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa- - Wh-Whoa! Ow! Seal off the city.
I want them found! Right away! Here! Get your fresh fruit here! We've got apples, oranges, lemons, pineapples, kumquats, pomegranates, prickly pears! Can't find him anywhere! Get your fresh fruit here! Come on, sir.
You, sir.
Fresh fruit for you, sir.
Fruit in the morning- Ah.
You.
What can I get for you this fine day? Do you have any kiwis? Sorry.
we don't carry kiwis.
That was close.
This is delicious.
You gonna eat yours? Listen, melonhead, I work alone, especially when I'm escaping certain death.
Hey, you're gonna have to pay for that! Guards! There they are! Uh, just put it on our tab.
Come back! Come back, here! Don't let 'em get away! - Wh-Whoa.
- They're the ones.
- Run! We got 'em now.
Wrong way.
They must have gone down here! dddd Where are we? Oh, no, no, no! Stop, stop, stop! Would you stop that! Honestly, I've seen more creativity in a wet kipper! Now, then, girls, women, dance is like a language.
You must use your bodies to speak.
And what does the body say? It says, "Oooh! Oooh! "I'm euphoric! Oooh! Ooh, ooh! I'm melancholic.
" But above all, girls, we must use our bodies to tell the world, in no uncertain terms, "I am woman.
" That gives me an idea.
This is no time to be thinking about women.
On the contrary, my soon-to-be beardless friend, now is the perfect time.
One and two and three and- Say, what's your size? Hmm? This is the story of a time long ago, a time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering.
Only one man dared to challenge their power- Hercules.
Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen, a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.
He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of his wicked stepmother, Hera, the all-powerful queen of the gods.
But wherever there was evil, wherever an innocent would suffer, there would be Hercules.
Hail! Ooh, now this is to die for.
Say, are you a spring or a winter? Winter.
But that's not the point! We're innocent! Oh, sure, they'll believe that.
You were holding the knife, and I'm the King of Thieves.
If we're lucky, they'll only kill us once.
That's a good point.
Now, about that makeover- Umm, uhh.
It is with a heavy heart, that I take my brother's place on the throne.
But royal duty compels me to take control of his armies and his vast riches and his important collection of fine jams and cheeses.
Now, then! I need not stress the importance of bringing these two assassins to justice.
We'll seal off the city and go door-to-door, if needs be, but I want them found! Look-and-down-and-look- and heads yet round, round, round.
Ooh, lovely! Smile.
Smile! Look.
Oh! Now, into the picture.
Oh.
Oh, that was so lovely.
That's wonderful, girls.
Much better.
Now then, take a break.
Catch your breath.
Uh, excuse us.
Mm-hmm? Oh! Well.
I was going to say, "May I help you?" But it appears events have passed us by.
Um, I'm Autolyca, and this is my partner, Sal monella.
Charmed.
- What happened to your face? - I cut myself waxing.
Anyhoo, we're a couple of nomadic showgirls looking for a stage to grace.
Oh, well then, ladies, I think you better show me your particulars.
No, what dance steps do you know? Uh, oh- Oh, we know them all.
The mambo.
The tango.
The Chachi.
And the Joanie.
Ooh, well, I can see you both have very sizable r?sum?s, but unfortunately, all our positions are filled at the moment.
I knew it! Oh.
We're worthless! Ow! Now, Salmonella, speak for yourself.
Uh, well- Oh, I suppose an extra pair of legs can't hurt you.
Make you run faster, anyway.
You two can be our understudies.
Oh, happy day! Now, then, I'm the Widow Twanky, known throughout the Western world as "Laughing Lizzie, the Sailor's Surprise.
" Now, if you want to join my traveling terpsichore of toe-tapping tulips, - you shall have to observe a few simple rules.
- Oh, we'd love to hear them.
Well, rule number one- We do two shows a day- Mm-hmm.
and after the second show, I like my tulips flossed- Mm-hmm.
and in their pajamas and in bed.
And I'll even help tuck them in.
Rule number two- no alcohol and no junk food.
Your body is a temple, and I will not brook the sullying of its porticoes on my watch.
- Hallelujah.
- And rule number three- - no men.
No problem! Right.
Girls, could I have your attention, please? Let's give a big, warm tulip welcome to the newest members of our troupe- Autolyca and Salmonella.
Howdy do, sisters! Oh! Howdy do! Right.
Let's go from the top, shall we? Um, why don't you two just sit this one out? Rest your best feature, pay attention to the steps and you'll pick it up in no time.
Now, Cupcake, are you ready? I was born ready.
dddd d dd Some girls die for diamonds d dd Some gals go for gold dd dd But if you want the key to my heart dd dd Just listen to what you're told dd dd I don't need tons of jewels dd dd Rings and things are meant for fools dd dd To make our two hearts meet dd dd Feed me something sweet dd dd I crave lots of candy Cookies and cakes are dandy dd dd Let me lick your lollipop dd dd And you can try my lemon drop dd dd So if you dip into my cookie jar dd dd Then, sugar daddy we'll go far dd dd Kisses and hugs just ain't enough dd dd I want a bite of your cream puff dd dd Ooh, don't make me repeat dd dd Feed me something sweet dd ddd dd Feed me something sweet d Bravo! Bravo! What a snake charmer.
Tell me about it.
If I don't get a looser skirt, I'm gonna blow my cover.
The Athens Grande Royale Hotel have graciously extended to us the full utilization of their facilities whilst we are performing in the area.
And I don't want to catch any of you girls in the gambling halls or the taverns.
Am I making myself clear? Yes, Widow Twanky.
- Good.
- Keep an eye out.
They can't hide forever.
Front, boy.
Coming, sir.
So, tell me, girls.
Howdoyou keep your hose from running? Okay, this way girls- room assignments.
Come along now.
Watch your step.
This way, girls.
Quickly, off you go, up the stairs.
Ohh! Oh, no.
To whom does this belong? Cupcake? Oh, Widow Twanky, I- Mistress Twanky, I cannot tell a lie.
It's hers.
What? Sorry, sister.
It's for your own good.
Smuggling sweets, and on show day as well.
But-But-But-But-But- But I- But- Don't you "but" me, young lady.
Ow! Now, then, you go up to your room, and you stay there all day.
And while the rest of us are relaxing in the spa, you should have ample opportunity to discover the ramifications of your "ingestatory" overindulgence! - Now, off you go! And, you, go on! - Oh.
Oh.
Yes, ma'am.
Well, come on.
Your legs aren't painted on! Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Whee.
Wheee! Oh, gee, Autolyca.
Thanks for savin' my butt.
Oh, think nothing of it, Cupcake.
It's a butt worth saving.
Besides, us girls, we need to stick together, close together.
Oh, I feel so bad about Salmonella, takin' the blame for me and all.
Oh, don't give it a second thought.
I haven't.
I guess I'm a slave to my sweet tooth.
There's just somethin' about frosting that makes me feel all- mmm, oh- boop-boop-a-doopy inside! But you still manage to keep your figure.
Ooh, I just hate you.
Oh! I swear, if I ever met a man who loved sweets as much as I do, I'd tie him to my bed and never let him go.
I like the way you think.
So tell me, uh, what else do you like in a man? Well, he-he'd have to be kind to animals too and maybe a little, I don't know, wild and dangerous.
Ooh.
But I guess that's just wishful thinking.
I haven't exactly been lucky when it comes to love.
Call it female intuition, but I think your luck is about to change.
This is just great.
I can't believe I let him talk me into this.
I feel so exposed without my beard, so vulnerable, so naked, so- so- so smooth.
Mmm.
It's about time.
Well, hello.
Excuse us, I didn't mean to disturb you, Miss- Monella- Sal Monella.
What an enchanting name.
So full ofmystery.
Can I help you with something? Oh, uh, have you seen these two men, Miss Monella? No, no, no.
Never, never, never.
Not allowed to have men.
No, no.
No.
Please, would you mind looking? How hideous! Uh, d-don't be alarmed, but these two men have assassinated the king.
Uh, don't worry.
We've sealed off the city.
They'll be found soon enough.
I should hope so.
And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for my show.
Ahhh, you're a dancer.
Well- I should've guessed from the curvaceous musculature of your legs.
So kind of you to notice.
Oh, very little escapes my watchful eye, especially when it is feasting on such a gorgeous creature.
Perhaps we'll meet again, Miss Monella.
Only the Fates can tell.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Oh, Salmonella, my friend, I haven't felt this way since, oh, last week.
Where have you been? We've gotta get outta here! Oh, that Cupcake.
What a dish.
Ooh-whee.
I ought to have her eating out of the palm of my hand by suppertime.
Will you forget the girl? Gekkus and his men were just here.
Oh, yeah? Well, you're still alive.
The disguise must have worked.
A little too well.
He kissed my hand.
Ooh, a wanted man, eh? You little vixen.
Say, now this is you.
Are we going somewhere? Not "we," me.
I borrowed these threads from a very generous-looking couple.
They didn't seem to mind.
In fact, they didn't seem to notice.
Gadzooks! If I were a woman, I'd kiss myself.
Wait.
You can't leave me again like this.
Sorry, old girl.
You're grounded.
Last one to their room's a rotten egg.
Okay! Oh, I'm so sorry.
Think nothing of it, my dear.
Why, the world is just a chaotic stage, just teaming with activity.
A little bump-and-grind here and there is to be expected.
Well, gee, I never thought of it that way, mister.
I guess you're right.
Why, where are my manners? I forgot to introduce myself.
Farciferous Von Baklava, Esquire, at your service.
Golly! I have never had an esquire at my service before.
I'm Cupcake.
Oh, is that your dog? Why, yes it is.
Cupcake, meet Creampuff.
Hmm.
I named her after my greatest culinary creation.
You invented the cream puff? I certainly did.
I own a string of bakeries all across Greece.
Oh, gods, forgive me, but I am a slave to my sweet tooth.
You don't say.
Oh, I doobee-do.
But the money, the castles- that can't mean a thing to me until I know all the animals of the world are safe and happy.
I guess that's why I turned my gardens into a sanctuary for abused wildlife.
You mean, you care about animals that much? How could I not? Just look at that face.
Ooh-whoo.
There, there.
I rescued Creampuff here from a band of murderous pirates.
Oh, my! That sounds so dangerous.
It was, Cupcake, very, very dangerous.
Oh, wow! It's not every day that I meet an animal-loving, daredevil pastry mogul with a sweet tooth like mine.
Come on, girls! Hurry along! Too many bubbles can make you go blind.
Cupcake? Is this gentleman bothering you? Ooh, much better now.
Oh, no.
I was just stroking his poodle.
You hardly know him.
Now, run along.
You're dripping all over the floor.
I guess I gotta go.
It was nice meeting you.
Yes, well, as for you, if you wish to have anything more to do with my Cupcake, you will have to go through me, you strapping, young buck.
dd You can lick my lollipop dd dd And I will suck your lemon drop dd dd Dada-da, da-da- dd Peeping Tom! Don't flatter yourself, cookie-puss.
It's me.
- Can't a girl have some privacy? - Relax, it's nothing I haven't seen before.
On second thought- Autolyca! It's Cupcake.
Can I come in? Quick.
Get up and answer the door.
She can't see me like this.
I'm in the tub.
Where are my melons? Don't look at me.
Autolyca? Just a minute.
In here, sweetie, in the bathroom.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I interrupting? Not at all, Cuppy.
Three's company! Oh, Autolyca, you were right.
I finally met my dream man.
Oh, I just knew you would, snookie-lumps.
Uh-huh.
You know what I always say? If something looks too good to be true, it probably is.
She's just jealous.
He sounds wonderful.
And who do we think we are today, Xena and Gabrielle? Now, come on girls! Chop, chop! The stage awaits.
Well, looks like your not-so-secret admirer is here.
Just my luck.
And my shoes don't even match my tail.
Ooh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness - Oh, what's the matter? Rena and Dena- food poisoning.
I told them to keep away from that pickled chinchilla.
Oh, what are we gonna do? They were our opening act.
Oh.
You two.
You're on! Oh! Oh! - Us? - Yes.
With your dance experience, the Hootchy-Kootchy Jiggle-Wiggle should be no problem at all.
Hoo-Hootchy-Kootchy Jiggle-Wiggle? Why, sure.
The-The-The Hootchy-Kootchy Jiggle-Wiggle, that's our favorite.
Oh! A couple of pros.
I love it.
Show must go on! Gee, you gals are a lot braver than I am.
I'd be too embarrassed to go out there in front of everyone and get naked.
N- N-N-Naked? Yoo-hoo! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Good evening and welcome.
Welcome, one and all, to the Athenian Royal Palladium.
- Now, are there any married men in the audience? - Yes.
Yeah, I am! Get home to your wives.
You should be ashamed of yourselves! Is there anybody from Corinth? It's over.
Finished.
Kaput.
Nothing personal, but I hate your guts! You think you got it rough, puffball? The last thing I need to see before I go is you naked.
I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! Then let's make like Zeus and bolt.
How can we? - Gekkus's guards are everywhere! - And now, without any further ado, I'd like you to put your hands together for the Hootchy-Kootchy Jiggle-Wiggle.
Yeah! Bring 'em on! dddd dddd Whoo! Ooh! dddd Whoo! Whoa! Whee! Ahhh! Whoo! Yeah! Huhhh! - Come on! Take off your dress! Oh! Ooh! Oh-ho! Come on! Show us! Oh, thank you, girls.
That was a sublime performance.
Run along, and have a light supper.
But, remember to be back in time for tonight's show.
Um, oh.
Beautiful.
I think I broke a heel.
Where'd you score the buds? Gekkus sent them to me.
He wants me to meet him for dinner at his castle.
What do you think? Should I play hard-to-get? Is your wig on too tight? Aside from the fact that he's trying to kill us, he seems like a really nice guy.
Listen, Sallie, you're not that kinda girl, remember? Oh, what do you know? You're just jealous 'cause nobody sent you flowers.
Sure, they did.
Hey, give them back! Nobody ever gave me flowers before.
Here's one for your date.
By the way, clean up your side of the room, will ya? It's a sty.
Well, I never! Cupcake, what's wrong? Oh, nothin'.
I was just kinda hopin' Farciferous would show.
Maybe he didn't like me, after all.
Now, I know that's not true.
These came for you.
Oh, they're from Farciferous.
He wants to meet me at the gazebo! Oh, that sounds so romantic.
I think he's the one for you, Cupcake.
My advice- Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Mm-hmm.
And that's not a long list.
Oh, Autolyca.
You are so bad.
And it feels so good.
I didn't think you were coming.
I'm so sorry to keep you waiting, sweetcheeks, but, well, I had a delivery to take care of.
A delivery? Yes, a pregnant yak went into labor.
Oh, but I'll spare you the gory details.
Oh, no, please.
Tell me what happened.
They were twins.
Oh.
Two of them.
We tried to reach the bull, but he was out grazing.
Oh, Farciferous, you are so brave.
Not at all.
It's what any extraordinary man in my position would've done.
Oh.
But enough about me.
I've got a little surprise for you.
Now, sit down right here.
For me? Oh! May I? Uh-huh.
Ohh! Ohh! Mmm! Sprinkles, my favorite.
Give me some sugar, baby.
Oh! Fricasseed squab, my favorite.
Leave us.
You are the most incredible woman I've ever met.
You're not just a dancer.
You're an artiste.
Oh, Gekkie.
You're such a talker.
I have something for you.
No.
They're a family heirloom.
I want you to have them.
Oh, Gekkus, I- I don't know what to say.
You're the first man who's ever given me his family jewels.
There's plenty more where they came from.
Oh.
Oh.
Cupcake, ha-have I done something wrong? No.
You've done everything right.
Then what's the matter? I'm so happy.
I'd hate to see you depressed.
I never thought a sm-small-town girl like me would be lucky enough to find a swell guy like you.
Most men lie and steal and lead double lives.
But it's different with you.
It is? I feel like I can trust you.
You do.
Oh, I may not be the smartest girl in the world, Farciferous.
But if you gave me half a chance, I know I could make you happy.
I'm yours.
What's the matter? Cupcake, I think I respect you.
Me too.
Good.
Because, I- I really have to go.
Did you enjoy your dinner, my darling? Yes, thank you.
But I really should be getting back to the theater now.
Oh, but you'll miss the best part- dessert.
I don't eat dessert on the first date.
I must have you.
But you don't know anything about me.
I know enough.
I know I love you.
No! I'm not that kind of girl! I don't care what kinda girl you are.
All I care about is us.
And now my no-good brother is out of the way- we can have the world.
But I thought you loved your brother.
Loved him? I loathed him.
Having him killed was my greatest triumph.
Now, kiss me before I explode! Does this mean we still can't be friends? Salmoneus? Where are ya? Well, at least one of us got lucky.
Who is it? - It's Cupcake.
- I need to talk to you.
- Uh, ju-just a minute.
Why, Cupcake, what's the matter? Oh, Autolyca.
I don't know what I did wrong.
He just left me.
Oh, there, there, dear.
I guess I was stupid to think that someone like that could love me.
Now, you listen to me, Cupcake.
There is nothing wrong with you.
Your heart's as big as they come, and if he can't see what I see, then he doesn't deserve you.
Oh, you're so good to me, Autolyca.
Why, you're the best friend I ever had.
Cupcake, there'ssomething I should tell you.
Oh! Well, well, well.
I should compliment you on your fashion sense.
You almost had me fooled- almost.
Who are you? You just don't know when to quit, do you? I had you pegged as a guy from the get-go.
Ow! Let go of me! All right, cut it out.
It's me you want.
I'm sorry, Cupcake.
I- - I tried to tell ya.
- Take 'em to my castle, and summon the executioner.
Ugh, get your hands off me.
Ugh! I never meant to hurt you, Cupcake, honest.
"Honest," that's a laugh.
Aren'tyou the heartbreaker? Me? What about you? If you'd been a better date, we wouldn't be in this mess.
If I'd been a better date, I'd be picking up a wedding dress.
Would that be so bad? Some people struggle their whole lives to find love.
I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment, okay? Will you two shut up? He started it.
If I could just reach under my skirt.
Youaredesperate.
I just stopped by to tell you; you'll be dead shortly.
Leave the girl out of this, will ya? It's us you want.
Yeah, she doesn't know you killed your brother and set us up for the fall.
Oops.
Listen, from now on, whatever instinct you have, - do the opposite.
- I set you up, because you are an idiot.
You just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, which makes you an idiot too.
You're tellin' me.
Well, enough chat.
Time to die.
Now would be a good time for some moves.
Aw, keep your skirt on.
Kill them! Watch out! Come on! Come on! Let's go! May I? Ugh! You may.
Come on! Nahhh! Hurry! After them! Oh.
Now then, girls.
We're a few short, so I'm going to improvise.
Now then, I want to see those legs high in the air but not too far apart.
Come on.
Ooh! Ohh! Oh! Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Uh-uh-uhh.
Ooh! Oh! Ah! Oh-ooh-ooh.
Aha! I think we lost 'em.
Yeah? You thinktheyknow that? Well, boys, any more bright ideas? Ohh! That hurt.
- dddd - There they are! It's about time you gentlemen showed up.
You knew we were men? Oh! Stuck out like a sore thumb.
- Ooh, ooh! Wah! - Ow! Get him! dddd - Yahhh! - dddd Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo! Ooh! Haa! Hyah! dddd What? Ooh! Help! Oh, well, I think that just about does it.
- Ohh! - Uhh! - Nobody move! - Or I cut the cake.
- Wait, don't hurt her.
- Um, take us, instead.
- What are you, nuts? Not another step.
- He's a maniac.
He killed the king.
No! No, it's not true.
I loved my brother.
He- He was like family to me.
Ugh! Men! Ooh! Oh! Mmm-mwah! Enjoy your stay.
Cupcake, um, I know there's nothing I could ever say to make up for what I've done, and, well, you have no reason to believe a louse like me, but when I told you I didn't deserve you, I, um, well, I meant it.
Well, it was interesting knowing you.
Cupcake, the guy you're looking for is out there.
I know you'll find him.
Who knows? Maybe you'll be that guy some day.
I feel like such a fool.
I thought he liked me for me.
Mmm.
Men, they're only interested in one thing.
Mm-hm-hmm.
I never thought I'd say this, but I feel so- so used.
Oh, well, never mind, love.
I mean, it's his loss.
Actually, uh, it is.
Oh! Question - Uh, if you knew that we were men, why'd you play along? Well, I think all men should walk a mile in women's shoes.
They might learn a thing or two.
Don't you agree, sonny? You said it, Twank.
Ohh! Actually, my feet are killin' me.
Well, gotta run.
Well, good-bye, boys.
And remember, I'll always keep a warm spot open for you.
You come back anytime.
You never know.