Hey Arnold! (1996) s04e12 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
(GRANDPA EXCLAIMS)
The last good weekend
of Indian summer, Arnold.
Leaves are turning,
the bats are biting,
and I'm about to go fishing
with my favorite grandson.
I'm your only grandson.
Uh-huh, you and me, Arnold,
nothing's going to stand
in our way.
Mitzi?
Are you gonna stand there
catching flies or are you
gonna take my bags?
I (STUTTERS)
This must be Arnold.
How do you do, kid?
I'm Mitzi.
Yeah, fine,
nice to meet you too.
We're just leaving
on a long fishing trip.
I'll let myself in.
Where's Gertie?
You still married?
She still alive?
Grandpa, who's Mitzi?
I'm his sister.
You have a sister?
We're twins, I'm the oldest
by six minutes.
So that makes me
his big sister.
Ain't that right, Phil?
(GRUMBLES)
Uh, Great Aunt Mitzi?
Call me Aunt Mitzi.
It makes me sound
younger.
Did you grow up
in the boarding house too?
Sure did, only it was
a lot nicer back then.
Looks like Phil here
has let the place
go to pot.
You got that right, lady.
This joint's
a regular flea bag.
Yes, it is falling apart.
How come
I've never met you before?
Do you live
a long way away
from here?
I live right in town,
Phil and I haven't spoken
to each other
for 70 years.
Seventy-one,
but who's counting?
It's 70.
Nice of you to show up
out of the blue
and point that out,
Mitzi, but enough
small talk.
Let's call a spade
a spade.
You hate me
and I hate you.
So what are you
doing here?
I want to get to know
Arnold, he's my relative too,
you know.
He seems to be
a very nice boy, in spite
of his upbringing.
Yeah, yeah, he's a nice boy,
now when are you leaving?
Who said anything
about leaving?
I'm here to stay.
(COUGHS) Stay?
That's right,
this house is as much
mine as it is yours.
I have every right
to live here.
Why, that's wonderful,
Mitzi, you can sleep
in our bedroom.
Our bedroom?
We'll have a sleepover.
Just like when
we were girls.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Just a second,
where am I gonna sleep?
Doggone it,
thought I was going fishing
giving up my old bed
so my incredibly irritating
sister can hog it and stink
up all the pillows
with her smelly
eau de toilette.
I'm sure by tomorrow,
you'll work something out.
Oh, we'll work something out,
all right.
I'll work her right out
the front door.
Grandpa, I can't believe
you'd want to throw out
your own sister.
I have no sister,
as far as I'm concerned,
she's dead to me.
Grandpa, you're not
even making sense.
Look, Arnold, I haven't
spoken to her since
November 13th, 1927.
What happened on
November 13th, 1927?
I have no idea,
go to sleep.
Well, you're going
to have to start speaking
to her,
she's moving in with us.
She said so.
Yeah, she did say that,
so I guess that means
there's only one thing
I can do.
Make peace with her?
No! Haven't you been
listening to a word I said?
I've got to get her
to change her mind
about moving in.
That's right, Arnold.
Come tomorrow,
it's all-out war.
(HAMMERING)
(LAUGHING)
(SHEET METAL FLAPPING)
What the
(EXCLAIMS)
(CACKLING)
(WHISTLING)
Oh, unusual weather
we're having.
Been meaning
to fix that roof.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, I wouldn't try
to use the shower
if I were you.
Water heater's broken.
You can take a cold
sitz bath in the bidet though.
In the basement.
Have it your way,
smart guy.
(CACKLES)
Fell for it,
what a sap.
(DOOR CLOSES)
All right, now,
if you need me, I'll be
in the shower, Arnold.
Oh, you beautiful doll
You great, big,
beautiful doll ♪
(SCREAMS)
It's hot!
Oh (SCREAMS)
(TOILET FLUSHING)
(LAUGHING)
What the heck do
you think you're doing?
Oh, just setting up
the traps again
like I do every morning.
We've got a real rat problem,
you know.
You don't say?
Oh, yes, big ones,
with tiny yellow teeth.
Eek! Phil,
get in here quick.
What in the
(YELPING)
Hello, boys.
Hey, what was
all that racket?
Oh, just the mousetraps.
Mousetraps?
Are there mice
in the boarding house?
No mice, just a big, fat rat.
(GRANDPA YELPING)
Not a word from any of you.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Yes, tell us more
interesting stories.
Well, you see,
Phil was only partially
toilet trained at that point.
Not like
Come on, Grandpa.
These are pretty
funny stories.
She'll be laughing out
the other side of her
mouth in a minute.
What do you mean?
I put laxative
in her yam.
You what?
Shh.
Ooh, finished already,
Mitzi?
Here, have some
more yams.
No, thanks, Gertie,
I actually don't care
for yams.
I gave all of mine
to Phil.
I spooned them on to
your plate while you
weren't looking.
That's it, Mitzi,
the final straw.
I have had it up
to here with you.
This is my house
and I say to
(STOMACH GRUMBLING)
Ooh, boy,
hold that thought,
excuse me.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
(GROANING)
Nighty-night, Phil,
sleep well.
Feeling any better?
Eh, getting little attacks
once in a while
otherwise I'm fine.
What are you working on?
Mitzi's doomsday device.
Mitzi's doomsday device?
All this time,
I've been thinking
too small, Arnold.
Everything I've tried so far,
she's turned it right back
on me. Well
I've gotta think big, see?
I gotta invent some
kind of contraption
that's gonna fix her good,
oh, yeah,
fix her, but good.
Okay, Grandpa,
sounds great.
Get some rest, okay?
(MUMBLING)
MITZI: Night-night, Arnold.
Good night, Aunt Mitzi.
(FLY BUZZING)
Grandma, I've got
a problem.
Shh, Colonel,
I'm closing in with
the kill.
I'm worried about
Grandpa and Mitzi.
I really like her
and I know you do too.
But Grandpa just can't
stand her.
He hates her so much,
I'm afraid he's about
to do something drastic.
I just don't get why.
Colonel, the thing
to remember in times
like these
is to keep your nerve,
coolly approach your prey.
Take aim,
then strike!
And try looking on
the top shelf of the parlor
next to the cactus.
Pooter.
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
(OSKAR SCREAMING)
Ah! Oh, it's only you,
short man.
What are you doing?
It's all ready.
What's ready?
Mitzi's doomsday device.
Come on, I'll show you,
careful where you step.
See? When Mitzi
opens her bedroom door.
This bucket will pour
cold water on to her
and she'll jump sideways
on to this ironing board
which will bend back
on this spring
and jettison her out
the window into
a hornet's nest.
(CACKLES)
Grandpa, you can't jettison
Aunt Mitzi out of
the second floor window.
Sure I can.
I already tested it
on Oskar, and he's
more or less the same weight.
Grandpa, this is crazy,
there's gotta be a better way
for you and Mitzi to work out
your problems.
But I can't stand her,
Arnold.
There's only room
for one of us
in the boarding house
and I've got to get
rid of her.
I bet there was a time
when you two really
loved each other.
Now how would
you know?
Mitzi and I never
agreed about anything.
Oh, yeah?
What about Pooter?
Aw, look,
it's Pooter.
With Mitzi.
Nah, must be some
neighborhood kid.
Come on, Grandpa,
that's Mitzi.
Look at the two of you,
look how happy
you two were together.
You guys look like
you got along great.
Oh, my old mutt Pooter,
what a wonderful dog.
Smart as a whip,
we took him everywhere.
Throwing sticks in
the park till it was
too dark to see anymore.
And giving him baths
in the backyard.
And taking him
to the seashore.
Remember how he used
to gas up the car
on the way back
from the beach
and dad would say
BOTH: "Jumpin' Jehoshaphat.
"Who let one?"
Yeah.
Whatever happened to him?
Well, we kept him
in the backyard
and one day,
he got out.
(CAR HONKS)
And Phil and I went out
looking for him.
GRANDPA: We looked all over
the neighborhood,
calling his name until dark.
MITZI: And when we finally
found him.
He'd been hit by
a milk truck.
GRANDPA: We took him
to the vet, but they couldn't
help him.
They had to put him
to sleep.
On November 13th, 1927.
It was your fault, Phil.
You were supposed
to fix that gap
in the fence.
I did fix the fence,
you were supposed
to fill in the hole he dug.
I did fill in the hole,
it wasn't my fault.
It wasn't my fault
either.
Grandpa, Aunt Mitzi,
it sounds like it was
an accident.
Pooter just got away,
and neither one of you
could have done
anything about it.
It wasn't anyone's fault,
you both loved that dog.
And sounds like you were
really, really hurt
when you lost it.
Yeah, so much so,
that we stopped talking
to each other for 70 years.
Come on, you guys.
Aw, Mitzi,
I'm sorry for being
so mean and trying
to get rid of you.
And I'm sorry for telling
all those embarrassing
stories.
Look, Mitzi, if you wanna
stay here, you can stay.
Gee, Phil, y-y-you really
mean that?
Yep, you stay as long
as you want, Sis.
Ha! Are you kidding?
I'd never move into
this flea bag.
I just wanted to
hear you actually
invite me.
Now that you have,
I'm ready to go home.
I'll get packing.
Oh, Mitzi, wait!
It's a trap.
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
(GRANDPA SCREAMING)
(HORNETS BUZZING)
GRANDPA: Ow! Ow!
It's me. No, ow!
Well, let's go pull
the old boy out of
the hornet's nest.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
(CHILDREN PLAYING)
(ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
Hey, Arnie.
Coach Wittenberg?
You know I saw you
swimming there with
your friends
situationally speaking.
You guys look like
you know what
you're doing
out there in the water,
and, uh
Uh, excuse us.
Arnold, every time we talk
to that guy, he wants us
to join some crazy team.
Gerald, relax, I am
not going to volunteer us
to be on some crazy team.
Boys, I want you
to join this crazy team
of mine.
Have any of you
ever did much
synchronastic swimming?
Oh, you mean synchronized
swimming.
Oh, it's a wonderful,
creative water sport
in which a team of four
or more synchronize
or match their movements
to the mood
and rhythm of the music.
Hmm, sounds harder
than I thought.
Irregardless, I agree
to organize a synchratic
swimming team
to compete in the upcoming
citywide tournament.
And furthermore,
since you boys have been
a colossic team
for me to coach
in the past.
No ballet dancing
in the water for me.
Me neither.
Count me out.
It's a dumb, stupid idea.
Actually I can't wait
for the first practice.
Ow.
Come on, you guys,
it's just one swim meet.
No.
Please, please, guys,
don't run out on me.
I'm at the end of my rope,
this is the last coaching job
in the city.
If I screw this up,
I may never coach again.
Come on, guys,
will you help me,
please, please, please?
All right, look, you guys,
I'm climbing the high dive
and I don't know
how to swim.
I'm jumping, I'm jumping,
on three.
I think he's really
gonna jump, you guys.
One, two
Oh, man.
It looks scary from here.
It won't be that bad,
remember when we were
on his basketball team?
We had a pretty good time.
It's only for one swim meet,
how bad can it be?
And here goes.
Wait, Coach,
don't jump.
HAROLD: We'll join
your stupid team.
You will?
That's great, boys,
I'm very thankful
and appreciative
of your dedication
to our swim team.
First practice
is Monday after school.
I want everybody
on time
and shave your legs.
Bye, Coach.
Heh, whoa, I was pretty
nervous there, Arnie,
you know,
I didn't think that
whole I-can't-swim
I'm-gonna-jump thing
was gonna work.
WOMAN: So
You had to stoop to
the I-can't-swim
I'm-gonna-jump trick
to get a syncopated
swimming team together,
huh, Coach?
It worked, didn't it?
Oh, you stooped before
but you hit
the penultimate low
this time, Jack.
You were gonna coach
a sympathetic swimming
team?
Darn right, I am,
Tish.
And we're gonna be
A letter one winners
at the tournament
next weekend.
In your dreams.
Let me tell you
a well-kept popular fact.
Water ballet's not
a real sport, Jack,
it's an artsy-fartsy
beauty contest.
You gotta be sensitive
and emotional
and all that garbage
to render it correctly.
I represent
all you're saying.
I know you, Coach,
you are not in touch
with your soft,
artistical interior,
thought pattern.
I'll show you, Tish.
I'm gonna succeed beyond
my unwieldiest dreams.
Sure you will, Coach,
water ballet.
Hah!
See you at dinner.
Never get married.
The basic premises
of the sport
are foremostly, um
Grace, rhythm
and acrobatic skills.
Now I half-heartily believe
we repossess the skills
to consummate
a winning status.
Here in, two, four,
six, eight, let's get
in the pool.
Uh, I don't know, Coach.
That kind of swimming
looks like sissy stuff.
I don't get why making
a flower shape with
your legs is fun.
It's all an exciting
challenge, don't
you understand?
I say it's sissy
and that's all
there is to it.
Enough of this sissy talk,
let's hit the pool.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Now firstly let's get
on our backs
and see if we can float.
Stinky, on your back,
that's your front.
Now, lift one leg
in the air.
Good. Now, everybody,
backstroke.
And try not to
run in to each other.
(ALL KNOCKING)
Perfect.
(INAUDIBLE)
(HOSE SPRAYING)
Boys, we are making
large steps of
progressive movement
in practicing the sport
of circumcised swimming
And now we're ready
to adapt the synchronistic
movements to music.
Um, have you got
any ideas for music?
I do.
A five, six, seven, eight,
high kicks.
Jump.
Now just pretend
you're in the water.
No, bootleg, bootleg,
go wide, no, no.
Be dainty, dainty,
tip
(GRUNTS)
Dance better.
Willikers, I reckon
this is as embarrassing
as it gets.
The only way it could
get worse is if someone
we knew saw us.
Ah, this is my lucky day.
(LAUGHS)
This is so totally excellent.
Hey, losers, hah.
Hey, I got your whole
little sissy dance on tape.
You, get out of here now!
Presently and immediately.
Oh, yeah, wait till
the gang gets a load
of this.
(LAUGHS)
That's it, Coach.
This whole thing is over.
We hate this music.
We don't know what
this synchronized swimming
thing's about.
And frankly, we don't think
you know what you're doing.
And I'm tired of being called
a fruit cup and a sissy bone
fat boy.
Uh, Harold,
no one's called you that.
I know, but they'll think
of it and call me it,
you just wait.
Boys, get back here
and dance.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Ow.
Who was I kidding?
Tish was right,
I can't be emotional
and sensitive
and all that jazz.
I don't have
a sensitive bone
in my set body
and if I can't be sensitive,
how can I inspire my team
to be sensitive?
Everyone has some
sensitivity.
Everyone except me,
Arnie.
I think I'll just give up
and try to get my
lousy toilet cleaning job back
at the lousy
bowling alley.
You can't give up,
you've gotta find
your sensitive side
and inspire
the team.
I can't, Arnie.
Haven't you ever felt
sensitive or emotional
about anything?
No.
Come on, Coach.
There has to
be something.
Hasn't anything ever
touched you
or made you cry?
Hmm, let me see.
You know, this is hard.
Well
There was this drive-in
movie I saw
when I was a kid.
I was in the back seat
With my little brother.
It was about a little
red-headed boy
and his horse.
Wayne, he loved that horse
and when that man
rode away on that horse.
That little boy
ran after them
shouting, "Wayne,"
"Wayne, Wayne, come back,
Wayne."
I mean, I cried.
I cried and I cried,
and I cried when
my little brother was
bawling like a baby.
I mean we cried
together and said,
"Wayne, come back,
Wayne."
I-I loved that movie
and whenever I hear
this music,
I think of that little boy
and his horse riding away
and
(SOBS) That story
is breaking my heart.
I know
That part with the boy
and the horse,
and then they ride away.
Oh, Wayne.
This is the music, boys,
and thanks to Arnie here,
I re-found it
on the dot of time.
This music has boldness
and adventureness
and it also can inspire us
to swim with sensitivitiness
and emotionalism,
that is if you're willing
to preconsider
and re-enjoin the team.
(ALL CHEERING)
Oh, yeah, all right, guys,
let's do it.
We have two days.
Let's get training.
Let's get in the pool.
Okay, boys,
you remember our routine?
I, I hope I remember
most of it.
I will, on account of
I wrote the order of
all our moves on my arm.
Uh, Stinky,
the water's gonna
wash that off.
Oh, gee.
ANNOUNCER: Attention, please.
From Peavine Academy,
our first team will perform
to the music of Swan Lake.
(SWAN LAKE PLAYING)
Hey, those girl
swans are really good.
Ooh!
Watch it,
you little fruit cup.
You sissy boned fat boy.
See? I told you
someone would call me that.
You're gonna lose
to a bunch of girls.
(LAUGHS)
And now from Whitaker
Pet Country Club,
a selection from
Pachelbel's Canon.
(PACHELBEL'S CANON PLAYING)
(ALL CLAPPING)
Okay, boys,
we're up.
Now go out there and swim
like you've never synchronized
swum before.
Remember, I'm proud
of all of you.
Tish.
And now City Pool's
own synchronized swimming
team coached by
Coach Wittenberg
with their interpretation
of the classic Western drama
Come Back, Wayne.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Nyeh.
(ALL CLAPPING)
Steady, Eugene.
This is your dive.
Whoa, oh! D'oh, (SCREAMS)
(ALL GASP)
(ALL CHEERING)
(TEAM CHEERING)
ALL: Wayne, Wayne,
come back, Wayne.
(ALL CHEERING)
Yes, yes, yes,
we did it.
Whoa.
The unanimous winners
are
Team Wittenberg.
We haven't done this
in a while, Jack.
Well, now that I've coached
another winning team,
I'm back in the saddle, Tish.
Jack, I never knew
you were so sensitive.
Well, you learn something
new every day, Tish.
Hey, what do you say
we implore the mysteries
of the deep?
Aw, Jack.
Tish.
(MUSIC PLAYING)