In Living Color (1990) s04e12 Episode Script

[Announcer.]
Coming soon to a theater near you.
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that bigmouth, bigoted ownerof the Cincinnati Reds.
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in her first major motion picture, Driving Miss Shott.
You know, Hoke, I don't understand.
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why I gotta go to this damn hearing anyway.
Well, they say it 'cause of your racial hiring practices, Miss Ma'am.
Why, that's just insane.
If anything, I discriminate in favor of the black man.
- O-Oh, Miss Ma'am? - Like when I hired you.
I said, " I need a driver, and he better damn well be black.
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the blacker, the better.
" - Well, thank you, Miss Ma'am.
- Not at all.
You know, Hoke, did you know that I am so sympathetic to the black man.
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I've even taken a slave name? What's that now, ma'am? Master.
[Laughing.]
- That's just a little joke.
- Oh, look here.
Don't get none on ya now, Miss Ma'am.
[Chuckling.]
But, you know, I wouldn't recommend you say them type of thing.
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when you go for that hearin' today.
'Cause that's what got you in trouble in the first place.
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and the press might not take kindly to it.
Oh, the press! They're just a bunch of liberalJews.
They're the ones who made me shorten the team name to the Reds.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
What-What-What did the name used to be, Miss Ma'am? - The "Color-eds.
" Get it? I got lines.
- You ain't got to tell me.
It was just a little more fitting, don't you think? You know, Hoke, speakin' ofJews.
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have you heard the one about the new Jewish sports car? - Uh, ma'am? - It stops on a dime.
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even picks it up.
[Chuckling.]
Oh.
Oh, hush up now, Miss Shott.
- I'm killin' myself.
- Oh, you killing me too.
You know, Hoke.
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if you don't drive this car better, I'm gonna trade you to theJaps.
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along with those other uppity millionaires.
Now, ma'am, you startin' to work Hoke's last good nerve.
Now, you shouldn't say such things.
I'll say what I want.
You're drivin' like an idiot.
I can drive better from back here.
Miss Shott, that's the first sensible thing you done said all day.
- I got to go make water.
- What? Hoke! [Screaming.]
[Announcer.]
Don't miss Driving Miss Shott.
Because sometimes what you saycan drive you over the edge.
- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, go, go [Humming.]
Good evening, brother.
Season's greetings to you.
- Whatever you're sellin', son, I don't want none.
- No, wait.
Please, sir.
See.
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No, please.
Please, sir, calm down.
I'm not trying to sell you anything.
I just wanna spread a little bit of holiday cheer for the Christmas season.
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by singing you one of my Christmas carols.
If you like it, then of course I appreciate a small donation.
If not, then perhaps you could just give me some honest criticism.
Well, you can sing what you want, son, but I ain't givin' you a dime.
Here we go.
[Note.]
[Searching For Note, Off-key.]
- Jingle bells, Jingle bells - [Ringing.]
Jingle all the way Oh, what fun it is to choke a man in his hallway, hey Bashin' in your skull with aluminum baseball bat Swingin'for the standslaughin'while your brains go splat Ha ha ha! Jingle bells, Jingle bells Jingle all the way Throw you down a flight of Stairs If you do not pay - Do you take credit cards, son? - I certainly do, sir.
It is better to give than receive.
Have a good day.
Good evening, folks.
Could I spread a little bit of holiday cheer to your season.
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by singing you one of my Christmas carols? Look, pal, we don't have time.
We're on our way to a party.
Please, could I just sing one, sir? Just one.
And if you like it, then I'd appreciate a small donation.
If not, then maybe I could have some honest criticism.
- Okay, go.
- Okay.
Thank you very much.
[Note.]
[Searching For Note, Off-key.]
Joy to the world Ice Poe has come To tie you to his car And drag you through the snow Then make your girl a ho And sell that bitch on the streetto every brother I meet Then stomp your boyfriend's head Upon the concrete I'm sorry, madam, I cannot take your purse.
- But I'll take your damn wallet.
- [Crying.]
- Have a merry Christmas, sir.
Merry Christmas to you.
- [Whimpering.]
Fa-la la-la-la-la la la-la la - [Hacking.]
- [Coughs.]
Good evening, sir.
Merry Christmas to you.
I'm here to spread a little bit of holiday cheer by singin' some Christmas carols.
- Do you mind? - Oh, man, now this is a coincidence, man.
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'cause I feel like spreadin' a little holiday cheer myself.
- Do you mind? - Oh, not at all, sir.
Feel free.
[Vocal Percussion.]
'Twas the night before Christmas! [Percussion Continues.]
And I just lost my job! No food in my stomach.
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so I decided to rob! The victim was singing.
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and caroling along.
So I stuck my slippered shoe.
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up his Santa Claus punk ass till his.
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Wow.
I guess the holiday does bring out the best in everybody.
[Hip-hop.]
[Ringing.]
Hey! How y'all doin'? It's me, Benita Buttrell.
Honey, I'm spendin' the holidays helpin' collect money for those less fortunate than myself.
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which is everybody in this neighborhood, mm-hmm.
While these knuckleheads were out shoppin' and spendin' next month's rent.
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Miss Benita was learnin' to be a technician.
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at Dr.
Fleischer's School of Boil and Wart Removal.
That's right, honey.
I'm gonna have me somethin'.
Oh, lookee here.
Here comes my neighbor, Mr.
Hervey.
- Mr.
Hervey, got somethin' for the kettle? - Sorry.
No change.
Aw, that's okay, Mr.
Hervey.
Thank you.
Thanks anyway.
[Laughing.]
Thanks for nothin'.
Mm-hmm.
That man so cheap, he wouldn't leave a tip at a circumcision.
But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.
- [Coin Clinks.]
- Oh, bless you, Mr.
Singer.
You so kind and generous.
You always givin' it up to the widows and the orphans.
Right now, he's givin' it up to old Widow Johnson.
Mm-hmm.
That man see more tail than a veterinarian.
- [Coin Clinks.]
- Look at this.
Cynthia Williams.
Thank you, girl.
Homegirl, you as pretty as a picture.
And dumb as a post.
Mm-hmm.
That girl so stupid, she nearly strangled herself with a cordless phone.
And such an idiot.
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if you gave her a penny for her thoughts.
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you'd have change comin' back.
Once, she got lost in thought, and they had to send a search party to get her out.
But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.
- [Coin Clinks.]
- Boo Boo! Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo! Boo Boo Starker! How you doin'? You the busiest man in town.
Always movin'.
Always movin' his bowels, that is.
Mm-hmm.
That's 'cause of that new fiber diet he's on.
The man eat so much oat bran, he once passed a wicker chair.
Does more wipin' than a squeegee at a truck stop.
Oh, if it ain't Neecie Anderson and her two little kids.
Oh, look at them.
They look just like Santa's helpers.
More like Satan's helpers.
Them kids so bad, even Chucky won't play with 'em.
But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.
Excuse me, miss.
I don't mean to bother you.
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but did you see a lady in a trench coat come through here? - No.
Is there a problem, sir? - She's been exposin' herself at the hardware department.
She's done it before.
She's a little crazy in the head.
- Her name is, uh.
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Uh, Jenkins? - [Screeches.]
No! You.
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Ooh! Ooh! No, uh-uh.
No, don't you say nothin' bad about Miss Jenkins, honey! Don't you say nothin' bad about Miss Jenkins.
She's a fine lady.
Fine lady.
Honey, I loves me some Miss Jenkins.
She's a pillar in this community.
We all look up to her.
Don't you say nothin' bad about Miss Jenkins, honey.
But just don't get too close.
That woman's drawers so funky, she uses an Odor-Eater as a panty shield.
But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.
Now, y'all listen to Miss Benita and have a nice holiday.
[Piano.]
There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo was his name-o [Announcer.]
It's Mo Tell recording artistsCephus and Reesie Merriweather.
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in their most ambitiousproject yet.
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Cephus and Reesie's Sing Tunes for Tots.
[Alternating.]
B-l-N-G-O, B-l-N-G-O B-l-N-G-O And Bingo was his name-o Now wait a minute, Cephie.
Why did the farmer name his dog Bingo? 'Cause he couldn't spell "Domino"? Why, couldn't he spell "Monopolo"? - Nuh-uh-uh.
But he could spell "lotto.
" - Ooh! I'm-a buy me a TV! L-O-T-T-O L-O-T-T-O L-O-T-T-O And Lotto was his name-o - Hush.
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here we go.
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little baby - [Vocalizing.]
- Don't you cry - Oh, I cry - Take it, Reesie! - You will see - Say what? - I'm gonna buy you a Scoo-oo-oo-ter Pie Here I go! Twinkies and Ho Hos Ding Dongs too Now wait a minute, Cephie! Now, you know full well all that sugar is too much for your cavities.
It sure 'nough is, 'cause it ain't as sweet as my Reesie's pieces.
- [Screeching.]
- Give me some! [Announcer.]
Also enjoy their renditionof Saturday morning cartoon theme songs.
Scooby Dooby Doo where are you Reesie lookin' for you now Say, Reesie, where you suppose Scooby's at? I don't know, Cephie.
Do you think he could be in Bedrock? - [Piano Intro.]
- Oh-oh.
Flintstones Meet the Flintstones - Have a yabba dabba doo time - A Scooby Doo time - A toodly doo time - A toodly doo time - We makin' overtime - In daylight savin's time - We watchin' Good Times - We'll have a gay old - [Softly.]
Yabba dabba doo time - Get on down.
- A Scooby Doo time - Here we go! A Dippity-do time A 2 Live Crew time We makin' overtime.
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[Announcer.]
Send 9.
95 to Cephus and Reesie's Sing Tunes for Tots.
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care of: Mo Tell Records, P.
O.
Box ABC,Chitlin Switch, Mississippi, 90210.
[Singing Gibberish.]
We'll have a gay old Time Oh.
You all right, baby? [Hip-hop.]
[Woman's Voice Echoing, Indistinct.]
[Woman.]
It's time to ask the question: Why? Hello.
I'm Chelsea Dream of Eyewitness News.
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bringing you a live report from the scene of a crime.
Can anyone tell me what they know? I'm the investigating officer.
I was the first one on the scene.
I can tell you what we have assessed thus far.
I'm an expert criminologist with a doctorate in psychology.
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and I can assess the situation here.
Yeah, but check this.
I seen the whole thing, right? I seen the whole thing.
I can tell you what went down.
Good.
[Woman.]
Stop! Why do reporters always choose the most unintelligent.
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uninformed black eyewitness? Why? It was definitely some people that did it.
I was just about to get busy with my lady.
'Cause she was naked, and I was butt-naked.
Then I heard someone.
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I heard somebody say.
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"Yo! Yo, bitch, get up off me," right? Then, peep this.
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Is this gonna be on the news? Hey, what's up? Denise, tell Mama to look at the news.
Hi, Mama.
[Woman.]
Why? [Bell Dings.]
Oh, hey.
Mr.
Mac, how you doin'? - Are you sure you know how to handle kids? - Oh, hey! You're talkin' to Al "Merry Christmas" Macafee here.
You know, I teach the high school shop class.
If I can keep those future convicts from goosin' each other with a damn nail gun.
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I can keep these little rug rats in line.
- Good.
Go to it.
- Okay, here we go.
[Bullhorn: "Deck the Halls," High-pitched Squeal.]
All right, kids!Ten-hut! You're at the North Pole, and Santa doesn't stand for any horseplay.
So let's get our Christmas lists in order and step right up.
Oh! And, oh, yeah, by the way, ho, ho, ho.
- Hi, Santa.
- Hi there, son.
What you got in your mouth? - Gum.
- Oh, did we bring enough for everybody? Then get rid of it.
Come on, right here.
Come on, son.
Oh, wise guy, are you? Now, uh, what did you want Santa to bring you for Christmas? I want a dirt bike, Super Nintendo, a computer.
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A brand-new house too? Let me ask you something.
- What does your father do for a living, son? - He's a janitor.
I think, this year, Santa's gonna be bringing you a little dose of reality.
How's a push broom and a pail full of dust? Now get out of here.
Come on, come on.
- [Grunting.]
- Ouch.
- Santa, your lap's hurting me.
- Yeah, sorry, kid.
Santa caught some hot shrapnel when he was flyin' his magic sleigh.
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on a bombing run over Cambodia back in '72.
This hip's made out of solid steel.
[Male Computer Voice.]
You have activated our inventory control system.
- Please step back and try again.
- [Alarm Sounds.]
What are you trying to run off with there, son? Nothin'.
A pair of shoes.
Why? It ain't none of your business.
Let's just say Santa is makin' it his business.
- You got a receipt, wise guy? - Here.
Right here.
Okay, you got a receipt for that, but you got a receipt for this shirt you're wearin'? This shirt? This is mine.
I wore it here.
Oh, yeah.
I think it's time you heard Santa's speech on shoplifting.
No tickee, no shirtee! You ain't nothin' but a flatfoot maniac! Come at me, son.
Come at me.
Yeah, chicken.
- That's what.
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Hey.
Watch it.
I'll kick your teeth in.
- [Elevator Bell Dings.]
- Merry Christmas, Santa.
- Oh.
Merry Christmas, uh, to you.
Looks like you don't have a chimney.
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so Santa's gonna have to use a doorbell.
Ding dong! [Groans, Coughing.]
- Macafee! I knew it.
- Oh, Ruthie.
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I mean, Miss Tompkins.
At your service.
- So, what you got in the bag there? - None of your busi.
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Oh, I got ya.
[Laughing.]
Well, lookee here, lookee here.
Looks like somebody's goin' to a little holiday orgy.
Mind if old St.
Mac tag along? It's a teddy, okay, somethin' you've never seen before.
Oh, l-I can just see it now.
- [Sniffing.]
Oh, yeah.
- Oh, God.
Oh, yeah.
You're wearin' this flimsy little piece of nothin'.
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[Inhales.]
On that taut, tawny, chocolate-brown body of yours.
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"wreathing," wiggling, "Mac-Mac-Macafee!" Oh, yeah.
So what do you say, babe? Santa wants to find out if you've been naughty or nice.
- Hey! - Come on! [Groaning.]
I'd rather pass a flaming yule log.
Idiot! I see you're still workin' out, Ruthie.
Oh, she wants me.
What is your problem, Kringle? You're supposed to be over here in Santa's Village.
Look.
The damn kids have done left.
If this store's security was what it should be.
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Santa wouldn't have to leave his post.
You know what? If you don't get back to your post.
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the next line you're gonna be in is the unemployment line.
[Grunts.]
Weren't you a student of mine? I failed you, didn't I, boy? Santa? You may not be a very good Santa, but I love you.
Aw, that's.
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[Sniffling.]
You know, I tell you.
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when you, uh, see the happiness on the face of little kiddies like this.
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it makes the whole gig worthwhile.
- Come on, son.
Merry Christmas.
- [Elevator Bell Dings.]
Hi.
I wanna say Feliz Navidad to my family in New York City.
Merry Christmas and happy New Year to everyone.
Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad, Grandma and Grandpa.
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family and friends.
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I love you.
- Um.
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- [Whispering.]
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to all my family back in Jersey.
And, hey, Redshaw School in New Brunswick, New Jersey.
- And happy birthday, Jossie.
She's a New Year's baby.
- Thank you.
And happy birthday to my sister.
She's a Christmas baby.
Jessica, I love you.
Merry Christmas to my family and friends, Janet and Renee.
And I want to wish a merry, merry, merry Christmas.
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to those who aren't as fortunate as we are.
Merry Christmas and God bless.
Hi, Grandma.
I'd like to wish a merry Christmas to all the spineless little weaklings.
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I had to crush to get where I am today.
Now we have a special Christmas gift for you.
[Soul.]
Mm-hmm Hang all the mistletoe I'm gonna get to know you better This Christmas And as we trim the tree How much fun it's gonna be together This Christmas The fireside is blazin' bright Ooh, yeah, and we're caroling Through the night And this Christmas will be A very special Christmas For me Yeah, oh, yeah Oh, oh, oh, yeah Fly Girls, Fly Girls Fly Girls Presents and cards are here My world is filled with cheer and you This Christmas lights twinkle all around But your eyes outshine the stars this year Oh, hey, word up The fireside is blazin' bright We're caroling I'm rockin' your world tonight Oh, oh, oh And this Christmas We'll be here A very special Christmas from me.
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And this Christmas.
And this Christmas you'll discover A very special Christmas from In Living Color Merry Christmas, Grandma Hey, hey, hey Thank you.
Good night.
Whoo! Merry Christmas!