Leverage s04e12 Episode Script
The Office Job
[ telephone rings .]
woman: Good cheer greeting card company.
How may I direct your call? Hey! Hal.
F'leesh.
Head of h.
R.
, calling me in to see her -- Awfully formal.
Oh, wait, did I already miss the brownies you brought in? Hal Something's come up.
I [sighs.]
This just isn't fair.
[ sighs .]
Are you kidding me? Bartley is driving this place into the ground! Company I spent my life building up! Can't even do his own dirty work, can he? I give him six months before he asks me to fire myself.
Bartley! Hal? You and I both know why this is happening now! Get out here! Man: What's going on? Get out here and tell me to my face! Bartley! Hey! Let go of me! All right, that's enough.
Bartley! [ whistle blo.]
s Woman: Enter your fantasy football pick in two minutes.
Nate: You think he's embezzling? It's all I can come up with.
I found some irregularities in the company books, Mentioned the discrepancies to bartley privately, And I'm let go within a week.
Not exactly the work of a criminal mastermind.
Mr.
Ford I helped fred bartley's father and grandfather Build good cheer cards up from a storefront On grand avenue in montvale, mass.
, To be the best independent brand in the region.
Okay, so, I get it -- you want to be part Of the payday when heartfelt comes in and buys them out.
It shouldn't be too hard.
Maybe I came to the wrong place.
What do you mean? This is about the company, mr.
Ford, And the whole town -- not me.
Fred bartley, the c.
E.
O.
, has good cheer in a tailspin.
Company keeps going the way he's taking it, A year from now, montvale's a ghost town.
This heartfelt buyout That could save us.
You've come to the right place.
Hardison: Hey, guys, I got bad news and bad news, So I'll start with the bad news.
[ computer beeping .]
Good cheer was already a sinking ship, Having nothing to do with the c.
E.
O.
's embezzlement.
I mean, it's certainly not helping, But one division fails after the other like clockwork.
Y-- You know that was mine.
Oh, I thought you got it for me.
Oh, really? Yeah.
What, I can't enjoy an orange soda? No, you can't.
Huh? Don't think I don't see what you're doing.
What he doing? Shut up.
This make us even now? Nate: Okay, guys, guys.
The town of montvale, massachusetts -- Built upon the success Of good cheer greeting card company.
Everything from the offices to their printing operation, Warehouse, shipping -- they are the local economy.
So basically it's a mill town.
Yeah, so -- Yeah, except this mill has a good chance of being bought out By heartfelt cards at the end of the week, Which is a great win for good cheer.
Yeah, as long as this embezzlement scam Doesn't get in the way.
Yeah.
Now, the c.
E.
O.
, fred bartley, Is a washed-up quarterback, Grandson of good cheer's founder.
He was a blue-chip ballplayer until he injured his back.
Let's run the wicked stepsister.
It's perfect.
No, t-that's way too involved, sophie.
No, no.
No, I'm thinking about something simpler, actually.
For us to maybe, uh What is -- what are you -- what? Nothing.
Eliot: This guy's buying up equipment, supplies.
Office The thing is, it never gets dropped off.
Hardison: Or it costs much less than it says on the books.
Bartley has got to be pocketing the difference.
All right, the thing about it is, heartfelt -- They thrive on their sparkling good, clean image.
So if we can expose the c.
E.
O.
Of good cheer Before good cheer does their presentation For heartfelt on Friday, Then that still gives them enough cover To go ahead with the buyout, doesn't it? Yeah, heartfelt pulls good cheer into their warm embrace Saving a town and a company.
All right.
High-five from around.
My damn soda.
Okay, sophie, you and parker are gonna entertain them all While eliot and hardison get the evidence we need.
Um Oh.
Nate: Hello! Yes.
Hi.
I am -- Oh, hey, don't mind her.
Don't mind her, mr.
Meeker.
No, we've just never hired a-an efficiency team before.
Oh.
Yeah.
But your bid was, uh, so much lower Than all the other consultants'.
Yeah, well, I mean, it's really nothing to work with.
Kind of goes with the territory, uh, mr.
Bartley.
Yeah, no, my associates and I, we're just here Simply to survey your operative infrastructure And shake up the creative process And fortify the I.
T.
And -- And then we'll, uh, determine and strengthen And streamline your vertical fluidity, You know, from the top down and the bottom up, And then we're good to go.
Cool.
Cool.
Like the scrimmage before a big game.
Ha ha! Yeah, if that helps you.
Okay, let's go to work, guys.
Cool.
So, if you could show us around a little bit.
Uh-huh.
Bartley: Okay, so, we'll just, uh, we'll roll off a couple copies Of your paperwork here.
I'm sorry, mr.
Bartley.
The copier is still broken.
Oh, not a good start.
Joe meeker of meeker efficiency consulting.
[ bartley sighs .]
[ exhales sharply .]
felicia from h.
R.
Would you excuse me? Could we? Sure.
No.
Yeah.
It's a solid copier, mr.
Meeker.
You should have told me about having an efficiency team here this week.
Yeah.
I mean, you asked me to set up a shared calendar.
What a week for you to decide not to check it.
Felicia, do you have any of those brownies? [ sighs .]
Look, I just -- I just want to put Our best team on the field for the heartfelt meeting.
I-I'm not sure what the problem is with that.
[ sighs .]
The documentary-film crew is here this week.
[ german accent .]
I love this visual metaphor.
Water leeches out Spiraling down.
It's a dream.
Like dreams.
Hey, there.
Joe meeker.
Meeker efficiency consulting.
Who are you? Noted german documentary filmmaker gunter hanzig.
You have seen my films.
Who hasn't? "christmas, incorporated" "dairy of a snow leopard.
" mm-ha.
Maybe that's "diary.
" "diary of a snow leopard.
" Ahhhhhh.
You like it? [ chuckles .]
Well, honor to meet you.
Ah, this latest Ooh.
Masterpiece of mine Is a documentary about american small businesses -- You know, the oil that lubricates The capitalist engine.
You're doing a documentary about good cheer? What better metaphor for the modern society Than a company that sells joy Struggling to survive? It's just like the water In the coo-ler.
I'm nowhere, I'm everywhere.
I'm just a tourist In the harsh reality of Good cheer.
[ telephone rings in distance .]
[ chuckles .]
[ speaking german, clicking tongue .]
Okay, guys, slight complication.
You think? We have to delay, wait till the cameras have gone.
Nate: No, no.
We do not delay.
Ellie: Good cheer greeting card company.
This is ellie.
How may I help you? Guys, heartfelt gets here in less than three days.
Look, if bartley's embezzlement comes to light Once they've already bought this place up -- They'll drop good cheer in a flash.
No, no, we can't, uh, delay.
If the company goes down, then the town is gonna go down.
We have no time to delay.
No, there's only one thing we can do.
Only one thing.
[ sighs .]
[ clears throat .]
Okay.
Gunter: Mm.
What is that, uh, expression you guys say? Uh, "roll camera"? Hmm? Don't address me directly.
Backed by our christmas price guarantee.
To some new friends of the program.
U First and foremost, we have mr.
Joseph meeker Of meeker efficiency Consulting.
Consulting.
And he and his guys are here to prepare us for victory.
Time to determine which of you Is here to score the winning touchdown [ yawns .]
And take the ball -- Okay, yeah.
Thanks.
Who here wants to take good cheer to the next level, Restore it to its former glory, huh? Yes! Yes! All right, let's do it.
Clap it up.
Well done, "meeks.
" I, um, I just thought that I'd make the introductions myself.
Uh, ms.
Crystal, she, uh, she's our emotioneer.
Yeah, and what she'll be doing is she'll be leading the team Through some, uh, some creative exercises.
Now, everybody take a finger.
Um, the index works well.
But the pinky's good for smaller cavities.
And just -- just stick it into your partner's ear.
Just -- now, don't be shy.
Don't be afraid.
We're gonna break through barriers today.
Just stick your finger in your partner's ear.
That's it.
Lovely.
She's obviously brilliant.
Next up, we got, uh, mindy hoffman, And she, uh, she's gonna be observing the card writers.
"happy anniversary," "happy hanukkah," "happy graduation.
" You know, I'm seeing a lot of "happy" here.
Aren't people tired of the same card, The same positive message over and over again? [ groans .]
Yeah.
Jennifer not too happy, huh? Not too happy.
And next up is mr.
Gates, our I.
T.
Guy -- no relation.
And, then, uh, mr.
Dennis -- He's our, uh, infrastructure guy.
Efficiency is knowing what everyone's place is on the team.
Efficiency just means more of us are getting fired.
[ sighs .]
This is what we in the business call the circle of trust.
Now, which of you is the head writer? [ grunts .]
oh.
Whoopsy daisy.
She -- she -- she was a bit too trusting.
Now, you -- you've lost the power of Hey.
Yeah.
Hey.
Uh, a little touchy-feely, huh? Well, I mean, you know, you wouldn't send a player in To do something a coach wouldn't do himself, would you? So go, yeah.
Sophie: Blindfolds, ladies and gentlemen.
Imagine a world where you cannot see, you can only feel.
Oh, mr.
Bartley! What a surprise! Hey.
Yeah.
You can have a blindfold.
Could you hand these around, please? Now, look.
We're going to tap into our primal emotions.
We're gonna act like monkeys.
Here's an interesting fact about monkeys.
Each member contributes to the pack.
That's what we are today -- a pack.
Now, everybody down on all fours.
Come on.
Don't be shy.
Down on all fours.
And I want you to hop like a monkey.
Do monkeys hop? Or is that a bunny? Nate: Okay, guys, we're clear.
See what you can find in bartley's office.
[ thud .]
Sorry.
Yeah, I'm just searching for evidence of embarrassment Or, you know, something like that.
Mr.
Dennis here is gonna go search for any fragile activity.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
What am I checking for? Anything fragile"ent.
" Oh.
Sophie: All right.
A bunny-monkey.
Now, everybody, come on.
We're gonna -- we're gonna switch it up.
Take my hand.
We're gonna leave this corporate prison behind us.
You're gonna travel with me to the corners of the world.
You might want to ease off a bit.
It seems like one of your crazy acting classes.
Just -- la la la la la, ooh! La la la la la, ooh He gave you that rubbish about everybody having a place? I -- you kn-- He likes to put everybody in their place.
That's -- You know, just last week, I started keeping a record -- yeah, a record -- Of every time He blatantly disrespects my contributions.
I mean, this is a week.
Bartley: Well done, team.
Everybody bunny-hop.
Here we go.
Hop.
Hop.
Hopping.
Sophie: Ohh! Oh, this is the time he told me That my english accent wasn't convincing.
I -- This one -- yeah.
He sent me out for a pint of milk.
Uh-huh.
I take offense to that.
Hardison: Hey.
What? Did you find anything? Got a half pack of cigarettes.
Ah, that's great.
Anything useful? Nope.
Nothing fragile.
No cheesy little accounts with the holes in them.
And the only embarrassment around here is you.
This job is all about trust.
The job is all about respect.
Go, baby.
Did you put that in there? Did you put that in the fridge? No, I-I just like it when the chocolate's all cold.
All right.
Put it back in there.
It's not yours.
Who you think -- put it back in there.
It's not yours.
Somebody left that so they can eat it later.
Get -- get on -- bring it -- bring it over.
[ clears throat .]
This about the sandwich? In here? A guy makes a sandwich.
H-he makes it that day, he wants to eat it later on that day, He puts it in the fridge, he's got to be able to trust That when he comes back, it's gonna be there for him.
He's got to respect me enough To know I didn't take the damn sandwich.
He likes sandwiches.
I think it had turkey on it or something.
I'm al-- I'm allergic to tryptophan in the turkey.
Two dinosaurs falling in love? Makes no sense! How about a dinosaur Ripping the head off a lion, hmm? Ohh, yeah.
Now we're talking.
[ growls .]
oh! Little lion wants to leave the pack early.
A little bear cub wants to go out and see the world, huh? Oh, yeah? Raaaaaaaaah! [ snarling, gagging .]
Now, that's a high-school-graduation card.
Here she comes.
Get her.
Yes, her.
Keep filming her.
Yeah.
Good, good.
Follow her.
Sorry, mindy.
The copier is broken.
Oh.
Sweet.
Vaaah! I hate cameras.
You know what? I will break it! Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
I will break -- Achtung! Okay.
After her.
I don't really have anything to say.
Why are you still rolling the camera? What a magnificent creature.
Nate: Oh, hey.
Okay.
We are going to -- We're gonna call to order The efficiency council meeting right now.
There's nothing on his computer.
What do you mean? Couldn't find anything in the offices.
There's No cheese accounts, no critical activity.
Eliot: There's nothing that says he's De-fragile-ing good cheer at all.
Look.
All the delivery notifications for the ink.
He paid for that special holographic printer.
He -- it's all legit.
Nate: Mm-hmm.
He's notEmbarrassing.
No, there's something else here.
It's color-shifting ink He's, uh, he's printing, uh Fake cards, fake cards.
Yeah, you know how some greeting cards have People's faces on them? Um -- Important people's faces on them? Okay, well, he's copying Those designs.
Ohh! Sounds pretembarrassing to me.
[ scoffs .]
Nate: Eh, no, no.
His cards aren't real.
They just look real.
They look real, yeah.
But the emotion -- the emotion -- The emotion The emotion -- Is false.
It's false.
And they shouldn't be circulated.
And they shouldn't be circulated.
Oh, the cards are made for passing money.
Ohh! Bartley's counrfeiting mo-- C-cards! Cards! Yeah, he's counterfeiting cards.
Parker: Yeah.
Cards.
So w-w-we've learned a lot here t-- okay, we're good.
Thank you.
You get enough? [ bell dinging .]
Look, all I want to know no, thatis how do we naild.
This bartley guy for counterfeiting? Cards! Parker, we're alone.
Yeah, well, that guy gunter's been on me like a cheap suit! The u.
S.
Dollar is part linen.
Our guy's been, uh, using green and purple ink.
I think he's cloning the euro.
We need to find every piece of equipment he's using.
Hey, parker, the paper -- you got to find that.
Eliot, hardison, get the ink and especially that printer.
Hardison: We've got less than 24 hours to do it Before heartfelt gets here.
That's enough.
[ telephone ringing, indistinct conversations .]
Aah! Hey, gunter.
I am nowhere.
And everywhere.
I'm starting to get it.
Mr.
Meekers! Ms.
Crystal! We haven't had a chance to talk yet.
Listen, you know, it's only natural, You know, for you, an executive, You know, to feel, you know, threatened In a situation like this, you know, where a consultant comes in.
I just want to make sure the romantic relationship You're pursuing with ms.
Crystal is a healthy one.
For the both of you.
She mentioned something called, um, reverse favoritism, And apparently I-it's a very common byproduct In workplace relationships.
And she -- she offered to speak to mr.
Meeker, Which, um, I thought was A splendid idea.
Oh.
[ coffee pot thuds .]
Wait.
Ho-- I'm sorry.
A-are you actually Trying to threaten me into admitting I ate your sandwich? I'm not threatening you.
I ain't playing with you either.
Nobody threatens anybody with a moldavian sawhorse.
You know what, man? Can we just finish finding This damn inefficient printer and do our jobs? We checked the warehouse, the office, The printer farm top to bottom -- nothing.
Okay? Maybe this guy bartley isn't as dumb as you think.
Shh.
What's up? Help you guys? Yeah, we're just, uh, looking for the, uh Trying to find -- this place is like a maze in here, man.
Just trying to figure out a way out of here.
Three crates down to the right.
Three.
Then go four crates to the left.
Eliot: And then four to the left.
Told you.
I got it.
Appreciate it, man.
Hey, appreciate it.
Black.
Yeah! Eliot: Walk.
Hardison: He look mad.
Just mad.
What the hell was that? What do you mean, "what was that?" Man, if I was dummying up some cards like bartley, I'd definitely have some muscle in on the operation.
I'm just saying.
Are you ser-- You must have taken two hits to the head.
Jumbo black back there? Come on, man.
You probably ate the damn sandwich yourself and forgot about it.
So, my sandwich is forgettable? Listen, I take thinly sliced turkey, all right? I pan-sear it with some sweet maui onions, all right? Then I put a slice of dill havarti cheese And another slice of an heirloom tomato.
All that goes on an everything bagel, And I make my own garlic-and-green-onion Cream-cheese spread.
That's forgettable? I don't think so.
Gunter: No.
More forward.
Forward.
Forward.
[ tape fast-forwarding .]
There.
There.
Stop.
Stop.
Ahhh.
This mysterious wonder.
[ chuckles .]
She has the nuclear winter inside her.
Yes? [ chuckles .]
Ahhhh.
[ telephone ringing, indistinct conversations .]
Nate: There's bartley.
You're up.
This guy is about five hours away From getting away with a scam.
It's embarrassing.
I thought we were using false emotion.
Yeah.
No, wait.
What? No.
Oh, I know he's not embarrassing.
Hey.
Look, I -- well, whatever.
I got most of this down -- De-fragile-ing, cheese-accounts thing.
Just don't know what "sandwich" has to do with it.
Hmm? Sandwich.
"sandwich.
" What does that have to do with it? It's just -- what? It's what? "sandwich" is an actual sandwich.
It's a real sandwich.
It's a real sandwich.
Mm-hmm.
Was a real sandwich.
Man.
Eliot: Absolutely not.
It was in the fridge For less than 24 hours, man.
The only reason why I know about the sandwich in the first place Is because you won't shut up about it.
How do you eat another man's sandwich? That's a code of the west! The -- the -- the 3-d printer's got to be somewhere.
Did you check behind the paper in the stock room? I mean, maybe he's built an artificial -- And see if they built an artificial wall with the paper boxes? Yeah, we thought of that.
What about the janitors' closet? No, man, I'm telling you, there's no printer.
Okay.
Uh, the loading dock? How come we keep meeting in here? The copier's broken.
[ sniffs .]
eliot: No.
Hardison: The copier.
[ sniffs .]
Hey, does anybody actually know what's wrong with the copier? Workers: It's not working! Appreciate it.
Doesn't really tell you what's wrong with it, does it? Hardison: I knew it.
[ copier whirs .]
Nate: Ohh.
All right, all right.
We got him.
We got him.
Yeah, we got him.
Sophie: No.
What? We may have somebody, but it's not him.
It's not bartley? Unh-unh.
No.
I just threw every trick in the book at him -- Word association, nlp -- nothing, nada.
The guy doesn't have the foggiest idea what's going on at his own company.
So bartley isn't our bad guy, then.
Sophie: No, no, no.
He's just a fool.
No, we have an airtight case against somebody.
We just don't know who.
Well, I think we're running out of time.
Heartfelt's coming this afternoon.
All right, here's what we're gonna do.
We're just gonna look at all the security footage Over the last couple of days, see who's been fiddling with the copier.
No, we won't.
Look, man, security hard drives are crap.
They erase every 12 hours.
Well, I mean, there's got to be some way we can figure out And know what's going on the last couple of days in this office.
There's gotTo be Yeah, yeah.
Zoom in.
A way.
[ male announcer .]
enbrel.
This is excruciating! Why can't hardison do this, Run some kind of algorithm or whatever it is he does? No.
[ clears throat .]
no, I think -- I really think that you should -- You should be doing it.
[ sighs .]
Gunter: So, your counterfeiters, They simply print new money on the copier? No.
Modern printers and image-manipulation software Are very powerful, And they both have safeguards To prevent people from printing money, You know, but they're not too hard to get around, Uh, you know, if you know what you're doing.
And you know what you are doing? More or less.
[ chuckles .]
Ugh.
This is getting us nowhere.
Well, I mean, you can't take your eyes off it.
You know, you might miss something.
Huh? What? You can't take your eyes off it, Because then you might miss something.
And for future reference [chuckles.]
Uh, ms.
Crystal, This is reverse favoritism.
Get -- get that.
Get that.
Ohh.
[ groans .]
Oh, it is on.
Gunter: Would you describe yourself As having any kind of life outside of work? Uh, excuse me? Do you have any outside interests? Do you ever do anything but this? Of course I do.
I W-why does this even matter? [ chuckles .]
This is -- it's just so Well, your co-worker suggested I ask.
She did.
Really? You know what you should ask her? I'm so-- could you -- could you repeat -- "career.
" [ chuckles .]
No.
I wouldn't say that my acting career fizzled.
I just -- I-I -- Pbht! I just put it on hold to pursue other things.
But he implied It might have something to do with "ageism"? Functioning alcoholic.
Functioning.
She always leaves that part out.
And speaking of leaving -- No, I didn't abandon them to gad about.
I just I just faked my own death And went on a voyage of self-discovery.
[ chuckles .]
god complex? What does that even mean? Shrew?! Shrew?! Shrew?! No, no, that -- that right there, that's a lie! I-I love foreplay.
[ exhales slowly .]
[ tape fast-forwarding .]
sophie: Ooh.
There.
There.
There.
Look at that.
Yeah, they're putting toner in the printer, not the copier.
These are our guys.
What do you do next? Nate: Well, we see what we can get out of them In a subtle, kind of quiet way.
Gunter: On film? Sophie: Um Mm.
Is that a camera? Yeah.
Yeah, man.
Make 'em myself.
It's got an hd-quality 3-ccd chip With image stabilization and omnidirectional sound.
Wha-- it's fitted with a transmitter, a micro-transmitter, That sends the image anywhere that I want.
Please don't touch.
It's very delicate.
Thank you.
You have more of these? Why? [ telephone ringing, indistinct conversations .]
Ms.
Hoffman, what are you working on? Please.
Describe it to me.
Parker: Well, as long as there's no cameras watching us.
'cause I hate them.
All right.
No camera.
[ chuckles .]
fine.
Here.
Take a look.
Ah.
Oh, poor creature! [ chuckles .]
good.
Ms.
Hoffman Sometimes when I'm hungry, I go to a hospital cafeteria to eat.
This reminder of, uh, mortality, The fleetingness of life, Combined with the institutional Mass-produced flavor of food It is intoxicating.
Okay.
Sometimes I'll dress up like a doctor [chuckles.]
just to see if someone will stop me.
Whoa.
Um, is something wrong with your back? Uh Sciatica.
Hey.
What is that? Is that a -- is that -- What? Is that a camera?! Don't.
Oh, it's off.
Hey! What? Stop it! Aah! Such nice hair.
No.
I'm not saying anything until I get a lawyer.
Eliot: What's up, guys? Now, we can do this the hard way -- Let's go! Hey! He copped to stealing office supplies.
Three cases of sticky notes.
[ gagging .]
answer me! Answer me! Copiers? What copiers? The copiers! We saw you on camera, changing the toner in the broken copier! Bob did that! Who -- I swear it wasn't me! Aah! Who's bob? The other guy? Yeah! H-he said bartley wanted it done.
That's all I know! Get the hell out of here.
Don't tell anybody I got beat up by an efficiency expert.
Eliot: Sounds like this other guy put him up to it.
Nate: No, it's a set-up.
Whoever's doing this Is building an evidence trail straight back to fred bartley.
Well, bartley "told" them to fix the copier.
And bartley's the one who bought the paper and the ink.
If the authorities come sniffing around, Then bartley's gonna take the fall, huh? No, it's not just counterfeiting.
It's a frame job.
Could y-- hardison: No, no, no.
It's more than that.
See, the copier's set for remote printing.
I figured if I can get into the print queue, I could figure out who -- I could figure out who's copying the money.
Now, they covered their tracks.
It's pretty tangled.
But look where I-I traced it back to.
[ beeping .]
Felicia from h.
R.
Yeah.
Mm.
And checked the -- she's not just printing funny money.
There's another document in the queue, on hold, That's set to print in two hours.
In two hours? But that's -- that's -- That's right in the middle of the, um, The, um, heartfelt meeting.
What's the document? [ beeping .]
Suicide note.
From bartley.
I'm gonna crack your forehead.
I swear.
What -- what is this? I-I don't understand.
So you can make any day Joylicious! So you can make any day Let's go.
Gunter: She's smarter than you are.
We got a problem.
What? Heartfelt's here, and I can't find bartley.
Felicia's gonna kill bartley.
[ indistinct conversations .]
[ breathing heavily .]
I-I am not ready to present.
I need more time.
Mr.
Bartley isn't here.
He's supposed to run the meeting! What do we do?! What do we do?! Calm down! Okay! Okay! Calm down! Okay! Now, what we're gonna do now is you're gonna finish your presentation, okay? And, uh Well, that's the thing about him.
He's He's broken.
Badly.
He gets the job done And doesn't let anything get in the way -- Not people, not feelings, not relationships.
We're all second to the job.
What about us? Okay, sophie, you and I, We're going to, uh, stall heartfelt.
Eliot, hardison, go find, uh, fred bartley.
Parker -- parker, you're gonna stay here And kind of take care of things.
You.
You're coming with us.
Let's go.
You're in the game, pal.
Who's going with her? Not you! You're coming with us! Both: Hey! Bring your ass! Okay.
[ snickers .]
Hello! Hi! Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
How are you? Joe meeker.
Meeker efficiency consulting.
Oh.
Uh -- You must be from heartfelt.
Yes.
Yeah, welcome to good cheer.
We're very, very excited to have you with us.
Very excited to have you here.
We'd love to give -- give you a little tour.
Little tour.
So, like, for -- Here's the elevator that, uh Yeah.
The fine employees of good cheer, They like to ride it all the way down.
Yeah, the elevator car, yeah, not the company.
No, no, no.
You know.
Exactly.
I'm gonna check his schedule, See exactly where he's supposed to be.
His car's still here.
Means he couldn't have gone far.
Yeah, yeah? What is this? Huh? Yeah, yeah, cigarettes.
[ chuckles .]
Bartley has cigarettes! And? He told me he quit two months ago.
Well, I-I quit smoking two months ago.
Mm-hmm.
It was easy.
I'm, uh, disciplined.
He fell off the wagon.
Probably be smoking out of the way, Where nobody would notice.
[ telephone ringing, indistinct conversations .]
The roof.
The roof.
The roof?! [ grunting .]
Gunter: Come, come.
Eliot: Boys.
Gunter: Not the camera! Oooh! Nate: This is the, uh, the copy room.
Sophie: Oh, yes.
Yeah.
The copier doesn't work.
It's a funny story.
Mr.
Meeker, tell them t-the funny story about Well, what happened Did we want to start this -- Is normally it's a green button, And when it first arrived, it wasn't green.
It was red.
Aah! Um Yeah, no, it was cool, you know, Uh, hanging off the side of the building, 'cause I-I got strong fingers from doing my thing, So I was good.
Eliot.
Eliot.
This is america.
This is brutality.
Hardison: I know you're here! Eliot! Yeah, get that.
Hardison: Eliot, I'm not playin'! There's a camera! Eliot! Hardison: Eliot! Eliot! Over here.
Come on, man.
You okay, man? You all right? Come on.
Nobody throws hardison off a roof.
Except maybe me.
[ chuckles .]
no.
[ twinkling .]
And it will create maximum sentimentality For our customers.
Or, as we like to say, "maxi-mentality.
" [ chuckles .]
Sophie: Mm.
"maxi-mentality.
" [ both applaud .]
So, uh, do you have anything else? Uh [ workers murmur .]
Uh, uh -- We could send parker up.
She's got some ideas.
Yeah.
[ chuckles .]
I've been working with mindy a lot On, um, on relating to people.
Well, public speaking in particular, 'cause she's Anyway, she's got it down.
It's all about eye contact and enunciation.
Yeah, okay, I'll go.
I do.
Thank you "maxi-mentality.
" Hello! My card line is called "eskimo kisses.
" Eskimo kisses covers any occasion, Such as [ twinkling .]
Weddings [ twinkling .]
Birthdays [ workers groan .]
[ workers murmur .]
And Woman: Ohh! Thank you.
Arigato! Gunter: That was exquisite! [ chuckles .]
yeah.
Good! We got to get you downstairs.
What's going on? Heartfelt is here.
You want to save your company, You need to get into that meeting right now.
G-- Come on, man.
Go! And act natural when you -- Which is why eskimo kisses says Exactly what you're thinking.
Okay, well, thank you very much for your time.
We will let you know if we are still interested.
Bartley: Hi! You might think twice about drinking on the -- Hi.
Oh, wait.
I-I'm fred bartley C.
E.
O.
Of good cheer cards.
And I want to tell you [ beeping .]
That good cheer cards is good With cheer.
Sophie: Yes.
Nate: Oh, yeah.
[ applause .]
bartley: Awesome.
[ copier whirring .]
Bartley: So, um, heartfelt friends, If you could, um, maybe stick -- stick around.
Thanks for staying.
I'm not big on emotion.
I think -- I think men should keep it all in here, Not out there where people see it.
We're all gonna be rich! The copier's printing woman: Money? Of money.
No, it's counterfeit money.
Bartley's been counterfeiting! He's been doing it all along! [ scoffs .]
What, you think -- I can't even -- I can't even make greeting cards.
You think I can counterfeit money? We all wanted to replace that broken copier years ago, But you said we had to keep it.
We couldn't afford to fix the copier.
There's all that weird ink and paper ordered in your name.
I don't remember ordering weird ink.
And hal -- you made me fire hal.
You said he tried to grab your -- Was he onto you? Is that why you had me fire him? Is this why you've driven the company into the ground? Mr.
Bartley, if this is true, Then heartfelt withdraws any offer of -- Well, no, excuse me.
I-it's not true.
He's not doing any counterfeiting.
She is.
Woman: What? The evidence all points to him.
Yes, evidence that you planted.
That.
Hold on her.
Oh, sure -- the efficiency experts that he hired Are defending him.
[ chuckles .]
well Felicia: Are you in on it? Are you with the mob? It wouldn't surprise me if you were with the mob.
That's nice.
V-very n-nice touch.
There's only one problem, though.
We have it on tape.
[ beeping .]
Yeah.
There you go.
I didn't -- that's not -- [ chuckles .]
time stamp on the phone, Uh, will show that's exactly when the print order was sent For those bills.
You might want to get right in there.
How did you film that? What do we have here? Oh, "happy easter.
" Now, my grandma used to make me little easter eggs, And she used to put little daisies on them.
Yeah.
Gunter: Is that a camera? Hardison: It's fitted with a micro-transmitter That can send the image to basically anywhere that I want.
F'leesh What a soap opera.
I don't understand.
Felicia: Oh.
Woman: F'leesh! You betrayed us?! "us"? What "us"? We're not a team! Bartley's not a coach.
He's a fool! And you're the fools who follow him! Stop.
You think I'm just the lady who brings in brownies twice a week, Who never gets tired of listening To your pathetic work-related complaints.
Stop.
Stop.
But I'm smarter than all of you! Felicia: I'm -- what are you doing? In you go.
Man: Lock it.
Well, that'll hold her till the police come.
I-I still don't understand, mr.
Meeker.
Look, felicia was misappropriating equipment And covering it up in the company's expenses.
Rather than risk exposure and a potential audit, She set you up as a scapegoat.
Felicia was shaving points, You know, figuring no one would notice, 'cause you were calling bad plays, But just in case, she doctored the playbook.
So -- so the coach would take the blame If somebody went looking.
There you go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my g-- I let this happen.
I'm like t-the joe pisarcik of greeting-card execs, Dropping the ball So herm edwards can run it back for the win.
"miracle at the meadowlands.
" Giants and eagles in, uh, '78 -- Rallied the eagles to the playoffs.
Hell of a play.
Are you a gridiron man? Lifelong.
Been watching games with my pop since I was 2.
Nate: Ah, well, if that's the case, you're gonna really like The, uh, the new card line he's working on.
That's a hail mary.
[ imitates whip cracking .]
"remember, when it's crunch time You can always call my number, dad.
" Now, that's how men, real men, emote.
And this card Is the play that good cheer ran to win the game.
No, the championship.
Okay? So, what do you think? Nate: I think it's terrific.
Absolutely uplifting.
Heartwarming, even.
Don't you think? Yeah, it was a story of triumph.
I cried.
Triumph.
Little guy beats the world.
Exactly.
I just love the ending.
It's so hopeful.
Nate: Hopeful.
Yeah.
You know, you could sell this to hollywood.
Hollywoonein! That is not the point! The point is to expose the futility of life Oh, it doesn't do that.
The ever-presence of decay, Not to peddle simplistic, narrative pablum! It is not.
Well, that's kind of what I got.
You have the soul of a german.
Hmm? What did you think? I didn't really get it.
[ speaks german .]
[ groans .]
She didn't get it? [ muttering .]
all right.
It is disgraceful.
This heartwarming [ disc cracking .]
Soulful beast [ disc pieces clatter .]
Will never see The light of day.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart Friends.
[ chuckles .]
[ smooches .]
Hardison: The hell's wrong with him? Nate: You erased the film off of his Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, man, I uploaded a nasty virus Into gunter's digital-editing bay.
It zapped every gigabyte of film he shot of us, except that.
That was the last bit of it.
I l-like this guy.
I do.
I feel sorry for him.
He cut his finger.
Hey, man, do you finally believe me about the sandwich? Seriously.
All right, you know what, man? I was gonna buy you dinner, 'cause I felt sorry for you.
Ooh, you're buying dinner? You're buying dinner? Thought you was hungry.
Are you buying? Maybe.
Do you believe me? I'm in.
I believe that you're buying dinner now.
[ dishes clattering .]
Oh, uh, nate? Um Yeah? Oh, I-I just -- I wanted to say The things I said on there About, you know, you, relationships, You know, it's not -- I don't -- You and I -- we're -- we -- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I ate the damn sandwich.
I ate the damn sandwich for sure.
The boy can cook.
He can throw down.
woman: Good cheer greeting card company.
How may I direct your call? Hey! Hal.
F'leesh.
Head of h.
R.
, calling me in to see her -- Awfully formal.
Oh, wait, did I already miss the brownies you brought in? Hal Something's come up.
I [sighs.]
This just isn't fair.
[ sighs .]
Are you kidding me? Bartley is driving this place into the ground! Company I spent my life building up! Can't even do his own dirty work, can he? I give him six months before he asks me to fire myself.
Bartley! Hal? You and I both know why this is happening now! Get out here! Man: What's going on? Get out here and tell me to my face! Bartley! Hey! Let go of me! All right, that's enough.
Bartley! [ whistle blo.]
s Woman: Enter your fantasy football pick in two minutes.
Nate: You think he's embezzling? It's all I can come up with.
I found some irregularities in the company books, Mentioned the discrepancies to bartley privately, And I'm let go within a week.
Not exactly the work of a criminal mastermind.
Mr.
Ford I helped fred bartley's father and grandfather Build good cheer cards up from a storefront On grand avenue in montvale, mass.
, To be the best independent brand in the region.
Okay, so, I get it -- you want to be part Of the payday when heartfelt comes in and buys them out.
It shouldn't be too hard.
Maybe I came to the wrong place.
What do you mean? This is about the company, mr.
Ford, And the whole town -- not me.
Fred bartley, the c.
E.
O.
, has good cheer in a tailspin.
Company keeps going the way he's taking it, A year from now, montvale's a ghost town.
This heartfelt buyout That could save us.
You've come to the right place.
Hardison: Hey, guys, I got bad news and bad news, So I'll start with the bad news.
[ computer beeping .]
Good cheer was already a sinking ship, Having nothing to do with the c.
E.
O.
's embezzlement.
I mean, it's certainly not helping, But one division fails after the other like clockwork.
Y-- You know that was mine.
Oh, I thought you got it for me.
Oh, really? Yeah.
What, I can't enjoy an orange soda? No, you can't.
Huh? Don't think I don't see what you're doing.
What he doing? Shut up.
This make us even now? Nate: Okay, guys, guys.
The town of montvale, massachusetts -- Built upon the success Of good cheer greeting card company.
Everything from the offices to their printing operation, Warehouse, shipping -- they are the local economy.
So basically it's a mill town.
Yeah, so -- Yeah, except this mill has a good chance of being bought out By heartfelt cards at the end of the week, Which is a great win for good cheer.
Yeah, as long as this embezzlement scam Doesn't get in the way.
Yeah.
Now, the c.
E.
O.
, fred bartley, Is a washed-up quarterback, Grandson of good cheer's founder.
He was a blue-chip ballplayer until he injured his back.
Let's run the wicked stepsister.
It's perfect.
No, t-that's way too involved, sophie.
No, no.
No, I'm thinking about something simpler, actually.
For us to maybe, uh What is -- what are you -- what? Nothing.
Eliot: This guy's buying up equipment, supplies.
Office The thing is, it never gets dropped off.
Hardison: Or it costs much less than it says on the books.
Bartley has got to be pocketing the difference.
All right, the thing about it is, heartfelt -- They thrive on their sparkling good, clean image.
So if we can expose the c.
E.
O.
Of good cheer Before good cheer does their presentation For heartfelt on Friday, Then that still gives them enough cover To go ahead with the buyout, doesn't it? Yeah, heartfelt pulls good cheer into their warm embrace Saving a town and a company.
All right.
High-five from around.
My damn soda.
Okay, sophie, you and parker are gonna entertain them all While eliot and hardison get the evidence we need.
Um Oh.
Nate: Hello! Yes.
Hi.
I am -- Oh, hey, don't mind her.
Don't mind her, mr.
Meeker.
No, we've just never hired a-an efficiency team before.
Oh.
Yeah.
But your bid was, uh, so much lower Than all the other consultants'.
Yeah, well, I mean, it's really nothing to work with.
Kind of goes with the territory, uh, mr.
Bartley.
Yeah, no, my associates and I, we're just here Simply to survey your operative infrastructure And shake up the creative process And fortify the I.
T.
And -- And then we'll, uh, determine and strengthen And streamline your vertical fluidity, You know, from the top down and the bottom up, And then we're good to go.
Cool.
Cool.
Like the scrimmage before a big game.
Ha ha! Yeah, if that helps you.
Okay, let's go to work, guys.
Cool.
So, if you could show us around a little bit.
Uh-huh.
Bartley: Okay, so, we'll just, uh, we'll roll off a couple copies Of your paperwork here.
I'm sorry, mr.
Bartley.
The copier is still broken.
Oh, not a good start.
Joe meeker of meeker efficiency consulting.
[ bartley sighs .]
[ exhales sharply .]
felicia from h.
R.
Would you excuse me? Could we? Sure.
No.
Yeah.
It's a solid copier, mr.
Meeker.
You should have told me about having an efficiency team here this week.
Yeah.
I mean, you asked me to set up a shared calendar.
What a week for you to decide not to check it.
Felicia, do you have any of those brownies? [ sighs .]
Look, I just -- I just want to put Our best team on the field for the heartfelt meeting.
I-I'm not sure what the problem is with that.
[ sighs .]
The documentary-film crew is here this week.
[ german accent .]
I love this visual metaphor.
Water leeches out Spiraling down.
It's a dream.
Like dreams.
Hey, there.
Joe meeker.
Meeker efficiency consulting.
Who are you? Noted german documentary filmmaker gunter hanzig.
You have seen my films.
Who hasn't? "christmas, incorporated" "dairy of a snow leopard.
" mm-ha.
Maybe that's "diary.
" "diary of a snow leopard.
" Ahhhhhh.
You like it? [ chuckles .]
Well, honor to meet you.
Ah, this latest Ooh.
Masterpiece of mine Is a documentary about american small businesses -- You know, the oil that lubricates The capitalist engine.
You're doing a documentary about good cheer? What better metaphor for the modern society Than a company that sells joy Struggling to survive? It's just like the water In the coo-ler.
I'm nowhere, I'm everywhere.
I'm just a tourist In the harsh reality of Good cheer.
[ telephone rings in distance .]
[ chuckles .]
[ speaking german, clicking tongue .]
Okay, guys, slight complication.
You think? We have to delay, wait till the cameras have gone.
Nate: No, no.
We do not delay.
Ellie: Good cheer greeting card company.
This is ellie.
How may I help you? Guys, heartfelt gets here in less than three days.
Look, if bartley's embezzlement comes to light Once they've already bought this place up -- They'll drop good cheer in a flash.
No, no, we can't, uh, delay.
If the company goes down, then the town is gonna go down.
We have no time to delay.
No, there's only one thing we can do.
Only one thing.
[ sighs .]
[ clears throat .]
Okay.
Gunter: Mm.
What is that, uh, expression you guys say? Uh, "roll camera"? Hmm? Don't address me directly.
Backed by our christmas price guarantee.
To some new friends of the program.
U First and foremost, we have mr.
Joseph meeker Of meeker efficiency Consulting.
Consulting.
And he and his guys are here to prepare us for victory.
Time to determine which of you Is here to score the winning touchdown [ yawns .]
And take the ball -- Okay, yeah.
Thanks.
Who here wants to take good cheer to the next level, Restore it to its former glory, huh? Yes! Yes! All right, let's do it.
Clap it up.
Well done, "meeks.
" I, um, I just thought that I'd make the introductions myself.
Uh, ms.
Crystal, she, uh, she's our emotioneer.
Yeah, and what she'll be doing is she'll be leading the team Through some, uh, some creative exercises.
Now, everybody take a finger.
Um, the index works well.
But the pinky's good for smaller cavities.
And just -- just stick it into your partner's ear.
Just -- now, don't be shy.
Don't be afraid.
We're gonna break through barriers today.
Just stick your finger in your partner's ear.
That's it.
Lovely.
She's obviously brilliant.
Next up, we got, uh, mindy hoffman, And she, uh, she's gonna be observing the card writers.
"happy anniversary," "happy hanukkah," "happy graduation.
" You know, I'm seeing a lot of "happy" here.
Aren't people tired of the same card, The same positive message over and over again? [ groans .]
Yeah.
Jennifer not too happy, huh? Not too happy.
And next up is mr.
Gates, our I.
T.
Guy -- no relation.
And, then, uh, mr.
Dennis -- He's our, uh, infrastructure guy.
Efficiency is knowing what everyone's place is on the team.
Efficiency just means more of us are getting fired.
[ sighs .]
This is what we in the business call the circle of trust.
Now, which of you is the head writer? [ grunts .]
oh.
Whoopsy daisy.
She -- she -- she was a bit too trusting.
Now, you -- you've lost the power of Hey.
Yeah.
Hey.
Uh, a little touchy-feely, huh? Well, I mean, you know, you wouldn't send a player in To do something a coach wouldn't do himself, would you? So go, yeah.
Sophie: Blindfolds, ladies and gentlemen.
Imagine a world where you cannot see, you can only feel.
Oh, mr.
Bartley! What a surprise! Hey.
Yeah.
You can have a blindfold.
Could you hand these around, please? Now, look.
We're going to tap into our primal emotions.
We're gonna act like monkeys.
Here's an interesting fact about monkeys.
Each member contributes to the pack.
That's what we are today -- a pack.
Now, everybody down on all fours.
Come on.
Don't be shy.
Down on all fours.
And I want you to hop like a monkey.
Do monkeys hop? Or is that a bunny? Nate: Okay, guys, we're clear.
See what you can find in bartley's office.
[ thud .]
Sorry.
Yeah, I'm just searching for evidence of embarrassment Or, you know, something like that.
Mr.
Dennis here is gonna go search for any fragile activity.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
What am I checking for? Anything fragile"ent.
" Oh.
Sophie: All right.
A bunny-monkey.
Now, everybody, come on.
We're gonna -- we're gonna switch it up.
Take my hand.
We're gonna leave this corporate prison behind us.
You're gonna travel with me to the corners of the world.
You might want to ease off a bit.
It seems like one of your crazy acting classes.
Just -- la la la la la, ooh! La la la la la, ooh He gave you that rubbish about everybody having a place? I -- you kn-- He likes to put everybody in their place.
That's -- You know, just last week, I started keeping a record -- yeah, a record -- Of every time He blatantly disrespects my contributions.
I mean, this is a week.
Bartley: Well done, team.
Everybody bunny-hop.
Here we go.
Hop.
Hop.
Hopping.
Sophie: Ohh! Oh, this is the time he told me That my english accent wasn't convincing.
I -- This one -- yeah.
He sent me out for a pint of milk.
Uh-huh.
I take offense to that.
Hardison: Hey.
What? Did you find anything? Got a half pack of cigarettes.
Ah, that's great.
Anything useful? Nope.
Nothing fragile.
No cheesy little accounts with the holes in them.
And the only embarrassment around here is you.
This job is all about trust.
The job is all about respect.
Go, baby.
Did you put that in there? Did you put that in the fridge? No, I-I just like it when the chocolate's all cold.
All right.
Put it back in there.
It's not yours.
Who you think -- put it back in there.
It's not yours.
Somebody left that so they can eat it later.
Get -- get on -- bring it -- bring it over.
[ clears throat .]
This about the sandwich? In here? A guy makes a sandwich.
H-he makes it that day, he wants to eat it later on that day, He puts it in the fridge, he's got to be able to trust That when he comes back, it's gonna be there for him.
He's got to respect me enough To know I didn't take the damn sandwich.
He likes sandwiches.
I think it had turkey on it or something.
I'm al-- I'm allergic to tryptophan in the turkey.
Two dinosaurs falling in love? Makes no sense! How about a dinosaur Ripping the head off a lion, hmm? Ohh, yeah.
Now we're talking.
[ growls .]
oh! Little lion wants to leave the pack early.
A little bear cub wants to go out and see the world, huh? Oh, yeah? Raaaaaaaaah! [ snarling, gagging .]
Now, that's a high-school-graduation card.
Here she comes.
Get her.
Yes, her.
Keep filming her.
Yeah.
Good, good.
Follow her.
Sorry, mindy.
The copier is broken.
Oh.
Sweet.
Vaaah! I hate cameras.
You know what? I will break it! Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
I will break -- Achtung! Okay.
After her.
I don't really have anything to say.
Why are you still rolling the camera? What a magnificent creature.
Nate: Oh, hey.
Okay.
We are going to -- We're gonna call to order The efficiency council meeting right now.
There's nothing on his computer.
What do you mean? Couldn't find anything in the offices.
There's No cheese accounts, no critical activity.
Eliot: There's nothing that says he's De-fragile-ing good cheer at all.
Look.
All the delivery notifications for the ink.
He paid for that special holographic printer.
He -- it's all legit.
Nate: Mm-hmm.
He's notEmbarrassing.
No, there's something else here.
It's color-shifting ink He's, uh, he's printing, uh Fake cards, fake cards.
Yeah, you know how some greeting cards have People's faces on them? Um -- Important people's faces on them? Okay, well, he's copying Those designs.
Ohh! Sounds pretembarrassing to me.
[ scoffs .]
Nate: Eh, no, no.
His cards aren't real.
They just look real.
They look real, yeah.
But the emotion -- the emotion -- The emotion The emotion -- Is false.
It's false.
And they shouldn't be circulated.
And they shouldn't be circulated.
Oh, the cards are made for passing money.
Ohh! Bartley's counrfeiting mo-- C-cards! Cards! Yeah, he's counterfeiting cards.
Parker: Yeah.
Cards.
So w-w-we've learned a lot here t-- okay, we're good.
Thank you.
You get enough? [ bell dinging .]
Look, all I want to know no, thatis how do we naild.
This bartley guy for counterfeiting? Cards! Parker, we're alone.
Yeah, well, that guy gunter's been on me like a cheap suit! The u.
S.
Dollar is part linen.
Our guy's been, uh, using green and purple ink.
I think he's cloning the euro.
We need to find every piece of equipment he's using.
Hey, parker, the paper -- you got to find that.
Eliot, hardison, get the ink and especially that printer.
Hardison: We've got less than 24 hours to do it Before heartfelt gets here.
That's enough.
[ telephone ringing, indistinct conversations .]
Aah! Hey, gunter.
I am nowhere.
And everywhere.
I'm starting to get it.
Mr.
Meekers! Ms.
Crystal! We haven't had a chance to talk yet.
Listen, you know, it's only natural, You know, for you, an executive, You know, to feel, you know, threatened In a situation like this, you know, where a consultant comes in.
I just want to make sure the romantic relationship You're pursuing with ms.
Crystal is a healthy one.
For the both of you.
She mentioned something called, um, reverse favoritism, And apparently I-it's a very common byproduct In workplace relationships.
And she -- she offered to speak to mr.
Meeker, Which, um, I thought was A splendid idea.
Oh.
[ coffee pot thuds .]
Wait.
Ho-- I'm sorry.
A-are you actually Trying to threaten me into admitting I ate your sandwich? I'm not threatening you.
I ain't playing with you either.
Nobody threatens anybody with a moldavian sawhorse.
You know what, man? Can we just finish finding This damn inefficient printer and do our jobs? We checked the warehouse, the office, The printer farm top to bottom -- nothing.
Okay? Maybe this guy bartley isn't as dumb as you think.
Shh.
What's up? Help you guys? Yeah, we're just, uh, looking for the, uh Trying to find -- this place is like a maze in here, man.
Just trying to figure out a way out of here.
Three crates down to the right.
Three.
Then go four crates to the left.
Eliot: And then four to the left.
Told you.
I got it.
Appreciate it, man.
Hey, appreciate it.
Black.
Yeah! Eliot: Walk.
Hardison: He look mad.
Just mad.
What the hell was that? What do you mean, "what was that?" Man, if I was dummying up some cards like bartley, I'd definitely have some muscle in on the operation.
I'm just saying.
Are you ser-- You must have taken two hits to the head.
Jumbo black back there? Come on, man.
You probably ate the damn sandwich yourself and forgot about it.
So, my sandwich is forgettable? Listen, I take thinly sliced turkey, all right? I pan-sear it with some sweet maui onions, all right? Then I put a slice of dill havarti cheese And another slice of an heirloom tomato.
All that goes on an everything bagel, And I make my own garlic-and-green-onion Cream-cheese spread.
That's forgettable? I don't think so.
Gunter: No.
More forward.
Forward.
Forward.
[ tape fast-forwarding .]
There.
There.
Stop.
Stop.
Ahhh.
This mysterious wonder.
[ chuckles .]
She has the nuclear winter inside her.
Yes? [ chuckles .]
Ahhhh.
[ telephone ringing, indistinct conversations .]
Nate: There's bartley.
You're up.
This guy is about five hours away From getting away with a scam.
It's embarrassing.
I thought we were using false emotion.
Yeah.
No, wait.
What? No.
Oh, I know he's not embarrassing.
Hey.
Look, I -- well, whatever.
I got most of this down -- De-fragile-ing, cheese-accounts thing.
Just don't know what "sandwich" has to do with it.
Hmm? Sandwich.
"sandwich.
" What does that have to do with it? It's just -- what? It's what? "sandwich" is an actual sandwich.
It's a real sandwich.
It's a real sandwich.
Mm-hmm.
Was a real sandwich.
Man.
Eliot: Absolutely not.
It was in the fridge For less than 24 hours, man.
The only reason why I know about the sandwich in the first place Is because you won't shut up about it.
How do you eat another man's sandwich? That's a code of the west! The -- the -- the 3-d printer's got to be somewhere.
Did you check behind the paper in the stock room? I mean, maybe he's built an artificial -- And see if they built an artificial wall with the paper boxes? Yeah, we thought of that.
What about the janitors' closet? No, man, I'm telling you, there's no printer.
Okay.
Uh, the loading dock? How come we keep meeting in here? The copier's broken.
[ sniffs .]
eliot: No.
Hardison: The copier.
[ sniffs .]
Hey, does anybody actually know what's wrong with the copier? Workers: It's not working! Appreciate it.
Doesn't really tell you what's wrong with it, does it? Hardison: I knew it.
[ copier whirs .]
Nate: Ohh.
All right, all right.
We got him.
We got him.
Yeah, we got him.
Sophie: No.
What? We may have somebody, but it's not him.
It's not bartley? Unh-unh.
No.
I just threw every trick in the book at him -- Word association, nlp -- nothing, nada.
The guy doesn't have the foggiest idea what's going on at his own company.
So bartley isn't our bad guy, then.
Sophie: No, no, no.
He's just a fool.
No, we have an airtight case against somebody.
We just don't know who.
Well, I think we're running out of time.
Heartfelt's coming this afternoon.
All right, here's what we're gonna do.
We're just gonna look at all the security footage Over the last couple of days, see who's been fiddling with the copier.
No, we won't.
Look, man, security hard drives are crap.
They erase every 12 hours.
Well, I mean, there's got to be some way we can figure out And know what's going on the last couple of days in this office.
There's gotTo be Yeah, yeah.
Zoom in.
A way.
[ male announcer .]
enbrel.
This is excruciating! Why can't hardison do this, Run some kind of algorithm or whatever it is he does? No.
[ clears throat .]
no, I think -- I really think that you should -- You should be doing it.
[ sighs .]
Gunter: So, your counterfeiters, They simply print new money on the copier? No.
Modern printers and image-manipulation software Are very powerful, And they both have safeguards To prevent people from printing money, You know, but they're not too hard to get around, Uh, you know, if you know what you're doing.
And you know what you are doing? More or less.
[ chuckles .]
Ugh.
This is getting us nowhere.
Well, I mean, you can't take your eyes off it.
You know, you might miss something.
Huh? What? You can't take your eyes off it, Because then you might miss something.
And for future reference [chuckles.]
Uh, ms.
Crystal, This is reverse favoritism.
Get -- get that.
Get that.
Ohh.
[ groans .]
Oh, it is on.
Gunter: Would you describe yourself As having any kind of life outside of work? Uh, excuse me? Do you have any outside interests? Do you ever do anything but this? Of course I do.
I W-why does this even matter? [ chuckles .]
This is -- it's just so Well, your co-worker suggested I ask.
She did.
Really? You know what you should ask her? I'm so-- could you -- could you repeat -- "career.
" [ chuckles .]
No.
I wouldn't say that my acting career fizzled.
I just -- I-I -- Pbht! I just put it on hold to pursue other things.
But he implied It might have something to do with "ageism"? Functioning alcoholic.
Functioning.
She always leaves that part out.
And speaking of leaving -- No, I didn't abandon them to gad about.
I just I just faked my own death And went on a voyage of self-discovery.
[ chuckles .]
god complex? What does that even mean? Shrew?! Shrew?! Shrew?! No, no, that -- that right there, that's a lie! I-I love foreplay.
[ exhales slowly .]
[ tape fast-forwarding .]
sophie: Ooh.
There.
There.
There.
Look at that.
Yeah, they're putting toner in the printer, not the copier.
These are our guys.
What do you do next? Nate: Well, we see what we can get out of them In a subtle, kind of quiet way.
Gunter: On film? Sophie: Um Mm.
Is that a camera? Yeah.
Yeah, man.
Make 'em myself.
It's got an hd-quality 3-ccd chip With image stabilization and omnidirectional sound.
Wha-- it's fitted with a transmitter, a micro-transmitter, That sends the image anywhere that I want.
Please don't touch.
It's very delicate.
Thank you.
You have more of these? Why? [ telephone ringing, indistinct conversations .]
Ms.
Hoffman, what are you working on? Please.
Describe it to me.
Parker: Well, as long as there's no cameras watching us.
'cause I hate them.
All right.
No camera.
[ chuckles .]
fine.
Here.
Take a look.
Ah.
Oh, poor creature! [ chuckles .]
good.
Ms.
Hoffman Sometimes when I'm hungry, I go to a hospital cafeteria to eat.
This reminder of, uh, mortality, The fleetingness of life, Combined with the institutional Mass-produced flavor of food It is intoxicating.
Okay.
Sometimes I'll dress up like a doctor [chuckles.]
just to see if someone will stop me.
Whoa.
Um, is something wrong with your back? Uh Sciatica.
Hey.
What is that? Is that a -- is that -- What? Is that a camera?! Don't.
Oh, it's off.
Hey! What? Stop it! Aah! Such nice hair.
No.
I'm not saying anything until I get a lawyer.
Eliot: What's up, guys? Now, we can do this the hard way -- Let's go! Hey! He copped to stealing office supplies.
Three cases of sticky notes.
[ gagging .]
answer me! Answer me! Copiers? What copiers? The copiers! We saw you on camera, changing the toner in the broken copier! Bob did that! Who -- I swear it wasn't me! Aah! Who's bob? The other guy? Yeah! H-he said bartley wanted it done.
That's all I know! Get the hell out of here.
Don't tell anybody I got beat up by an efficiency expert.
Eliot: Sounds like this other guy put him up to it.
Nate: No, it's a set-up.
Whoever's doing this Is building an evidence trail straight back to fred bartley.
Well, bartley "told" them to fix the copier.
And bartley's the one who bought the paper and the ink.
If the authorities come sniffing around, Then bartley's gonna take the fall, huh? No, it's not just counterfeiting.
It's a frame job.
Could y-- hardison: No, no, no.
It's more than that.
See, the copier's set for remote printing.
I figured if I can get into the print queue, I could figure out who -- I could figure out who's copying the money.
Now, they covered their tracks.
It's pretty tangled.
But look where I-I traced it back to.
[ beeping .]
Felicia from h.
R.
Yeah.
Mm.
And checked the -- she's not just printing funny money.
There's another document in the queue, on hold, That's set to print in two hours.
In two hours? But that's -- that's -- That's right in the middle of the, um, The, um, heartfelt meeting.
What's the document? [ beeping .]
Suicide note.
From bartley.
I'm gonna crack your forehead.
I swear.
What -- what is this? I-I don't understand.
So you can make any day Joylicious! So you can make any day Let's go.
Gunter: She's smarter than you are.
We got a problem.
What? Heartfelt's here, and I can't find bartley.
Felicia's gonna kill bartley.
[ indistinct conversations .]
[ breathing heavily .]
I-I am not ready to present.
I need more time.
Mr.
Bartley isn't here.
He's supposed to run the meeting! What do we do?! What do we do?! Calm down! Okay! Okay! Calm down! Okay! Now, what we're gonna do now is you're gonna finish your presentation, okay? And, uh Well, that's the thing about him.
He's He's broken.
Badly.
He gets the job done And doesn't let anything get in the way -- Not people, not feelings, not relationships.
We're all second to the job.
What about us? Okay, sophie, you and I, We're going to, uh, stall heartfelt.
Eliot, hardison, go find, uh, fred bartley.
Parker -- parker, you're gonna stay here And kind of take care of things.
You.
You're coming with us.
Let's go.
You're in the game, pal.
Who's going with her? Not you! You're coming with us! Both: Hey! Bring your ass! Okay.
[ snickers .]
Hello! Hi! Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
How are you? Joe meeker.
Meeker efficiency consulting.
Oh.
Uh -- You must be from heartfelt.
Yes.
Yeah, welcome to good cheer.
We're very, very excited to have you with us.
Very excited to have you here.
We'd love to give -- give you a little tour.
Little tour.
So, like, for -- Here's the elevator that, uh Yeah.
The fine employees of good cheer, They like to ride it all the way down.
Yeah, the elevator car, yeah, not the company.
No, no, no.
You know.
Exactly.
I'm gonna check his schedule, See exactly where he's supposed to be.
His car's still here.
Means he couldn't have gone far.
Yeah, yeah? What is this? Huh? Yeah, yeah, cigarettes.
[ chuckles .]
Bartley has cigarettes! And? He told me he quit two months ago.
Well, I-I quit smoking two months ago.
Mm-hmm.
It was easy.
I'm, uh, disciplined.
He fell off the wagon.
Probably be smoking out of the way, Where nobody would notice.
[ telephone ringing, indistinct conversations .]
The roof.
The roof.
The roof?! [ grunting .]
Gunter: Come, come.
Eliot: Boys.
Gunter: Not the camera! Oooh! Nate: This is the, uh, the copy room.
Sophie: Oh, yes.
Yeah.
The copier doesn't work.
It's a funny story.
Mr.
Meeker, tell them t-the funny story about Well, what happened Did we want to start this -- Is normally it's a green button, And when it first arrived, it wasn't green.
It was red.
Aah! Um Yeah, no, it was cool, you know, Uh, hanging off the side of the building, 'cause I-I got strong fingers from doing my thing, So I was good.
Eliot.
Eliot.
This is america.
This is brutality.
Hardison: I know you're here! Eliot! Yeah, get that.
Hardison: Eliot, I'm not playin'! There's a camera! Eliot! Hardison: Eliot! Eliot! Over here.
Come on, man.
You okay, man? You all right? Come on.
Nobody throws hardison off a roof.
Except maybe me.
[ chuckles .]
no.
[ twinkling .]
And it will create maximum sentimentality For our customers.
Or, as we like to say, "maxi-mentality.
" [ chuckles .]
Sophie: Mm.
"maxi-mentality.
" [ both applaud .]
So, uh, do you have anything else? Uh [ workers murmur .]
Uh, uh -- We could send parker up.
She's got some ideas.
Yeah.
[ chuckles .]
I've been working with mindy a lot On, um, on relating to people.
Well, public speaking in particular, 'cause she's Anyway, she's got it down.
It's all about eye contact and enunciation.
Yeah, okay, I'll go.
I do.
Thank you "maxi-mentality.
" Hello! My card line is called "eskimo kisses.
" Eskimo kisses covers any occasion, Such as [ twinkling .]
Weddings [ twinkling .]
Birthdays [ workers groan .]
[ workers murmur .]
And Woman: Ohh! Thank you.
Arigato! Gunter: That was exquisite! [ chuckles .]
yeah.
Good! We got to get you downstairs.
What's going on? Heartfelt is here.
You want to save your company, You need to get into that meeting right now.
G-- Come on, man.
Go! And act natural when you -- Which is why eskimo kisses says Exactly what you're thinking.
Okay, well, thank you very much for your time.
We will let you know if we are still interested.
Bartley: Hi! You might think twice about drinking on the -- Hi.
Oh, wait.
I-I'm fred bartley C.
E.
O.
Of good cheer cards.
And I want to tell you [ beeping .]
That good cheer cards is good With cheer.
Sophie: Yes.
Nate: Oh, yeah.
[ applause .]
bartley: Awesome.
[ copier whirring .]
Bartley: So, um, heartfelt friends, If you could, um, maybe stick -- stick around.
Thanks for staying.
I'm not big on emotion.
I think -- I think men should keep it all in here, Not out there where people see it.
We're all gonna be rich! The copier's printing woman: Money? Of money.
No, it's counterfeit money.
Bartley's been counterfeiting! He's been doing it all along! [ scoffs .]
What, you think -- I can't even -- I can't even make greeting cards.
You think I can counterfeit money? We all wanted to replace that broken copier years ago, But you said we had to keep it.
We couldn't afford to fix the copier.
There's all that weird ink and paper ordered in your name.
I don't remember ordering weird ink.
And hal -- you made me fire hal.
You said he tried to grab your -- Was he onto you? Is that why you had me fire him? Is this why you've driven the company into the ground? Mr.
Bartley, if this is true, Then heartfelt withdraws any offer of -- Well, no, excuse me.
I-it's not true.
He's not doing any counterfeiting.
She is.
Woman: What? The evidence all points to him.
Yes, evidence that you planted.
That.
Hold on her.
Oh, sure -- the efficiency experts that he hired Are defending him.
[ chuckles .]
well Felicia: Are you in on it? Are you with the mob? It wouldn't surprise me if you were with the mob.
That's nice.
V-very n-nice touch.
There's only one problem, though.
We have it on tape.
[ beeping .]
Yeah.
There you go.
I didn't -- that's not -- [ chuckles .]
time stamp on the phone, Uh, will show that's exactly when the print order was sent For those bills.
You might want to get right in there.
How did you film that? What do we have here? Oh, "happy easter.
" Now, my grandma used to make me little easter eggs, And she used to put little daisies on them.
Yeah.
Gunter: Is that a camera? Hardison: It's fitted with a micro-transmitter That can send the image to basically anywhere that I want.
F'leesh What a soap opera.
I don't understand.
Felicia: Oh.
Woman: F'leesh! You betrayed us?! "us"? What "us"? We're not a team! Bartley's not a coach.
He's a fool! And you're the fools who follow him! Stop.
You think I'm just the lady who brings in brownies twice a week, Who never gets tired of listening To your pathetic work-related complaints.
Stop.
Stop.
But I'm smarter than all of you! Felicia: I'm -- what are you doing? In you go.
Man: Lock it.
Well, that'll hold her till the police come.
I-I still don't understand, mr.
Meeker.
Look, felicia was misappropriating equipment And covering it up in the company's expenses.
Rather than risk exposure and a potential audit, She set you up as a scapegoat.
Felicia was shaving points, You know, figuring no one would notice, 'cause you were calling bad plays, But just in case, she doctored the playbook.
So -- so the coach would take the blame If somebody went looking.
There you go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my g-- I let this happen.
I'm like t-the joe pisarcik of greeting-card execs, Dropping the ball So herm edwards can run it back for the win.
"miracle at the meadowlands.
" Giants and eagles in, uh, '78 -- Rallied the eagles to the playoffs.
Hell of a play.
Are you a gridiron man? Lifelong.
Been watching games with my pop since I was 2.
Nate: Ah, well, if that's the case, you're gonna really like The, uh, the new card line he's working on.
That's a hail mary.
[ imitates whip cracking .]
"remember, when it's crunch time You can always call my number, dad.
" Now, that's how men, real men, emote.
And this card Is the play that good cheer ran to win the game.
No, the championship.
Okay? So, what do you think? Nate: I think it's terrific.
Absolutely uplifting.
Heartwarming, even.
Don't you think? Yeah, it was a story of triumph.
I cried.
Triumph.
Little guy beats the world.
Exactly.
I just love the ending.
It's so hopeful.
Nate: Hopeful.
Yeah.
You know, you could sell this to hollywood.
Hollywoonein! That is not the point! The point is to expose the futility of life Oh, it doesn't do that.
The ever-presence of decay, Not to peddle simplistic, narrative pablum! It is not.
Well, that's kind of what I got.
You have the soul of a german.
Hmm? What did you think? I didn't really get it.
[ speaks german .]
[ groans .]
She didn't get it? [ muttering .]
all right.
It is disgraceful.
This heartwarming [ disc cracking .]
Soulful beast [ disc pieces clatter .]
Will never see The light of day.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart Friends.
[ chuckles .]
[ smooches .]
Hardison: The hell's wrong with him? Nate: You erased the film off of his Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, man, I uploaded a nasty virus Into gunter's digital-editing bay.
It zapped every gigabyte of film he shot of us, except that.
That was the last bit of it.
I l-like this guy.
I do.
I feel sorry for him.
He cut his finger.
Hey, man, do you finally believe me about the sandwich? Seriously.
All right, you know what, man? I was gonna buy you dinner, 'cause I felt sorry for you.
Ooh, you're buying dinner? You're buying dinner? Thought you was hungry.
Are you buying? Maybe.
Do you believe me? I'm in.
I believe that you're buying dinner now.
[ dishes clattering .]
Oh, uh, nate? Um Yeah? Oh, I-I just -- I wanted to say The things I said on there About, you know, you, relationships, You know, it's not -- I don't -- You and I -- we're -- we -- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I ate the damn sandwich.
I ate the damn sandwich for sure.
The boy can cook.
He can throw down.