Life in Pieces (2015) s04e12 Episode Script

1 One, two, three Stop moving! Damn it, made me lose count.
Who's Grandpa Mort on the phone with? Grandpa's Mort is taking us to the Bahamas.
Really? We're going to the Bahamas? No, I'm not hearing music anymore.
So either my hearing aids died or the travel agent did.
Oh, here, Grandpa.
We can book your rooms on Hotels.
com.
You're not giving me that, man.
I mean, what's the poing in getting beat-up all-through highschool if you can show your grandfather how to use technology, right? You don't have to be a nerd to use this.
(LAUGHS) So, uh, you pick the resort you want.
Right.
Just like that.
Matt, you're so good.
You're like a hacker.
What? Oh, come on, Mom.
I mean, anyone can do that.
Says the guy who didn't do it.
MORT: Now let's get to the flights.
- Okay.
- I only fly Pan Am, and I need to be in the smoking section.
SOPHIA: Wow! - This place is amazing.
- Oh! I feel bad.
Mort's missing so much.
- (CHUCKLES) - Mort.
Look.
Oh, Matthew Jerome, I cannot believe you did this.
He didn't do anything.
I mean, did everyone see? I tipped the driver.
Greg, you're still holding the money in your hand.
(GASPS) - This is so beautiful.
- Well, you think the outside's beautiful (SCOFFS) wait until you see the inside.
- Wow, wow, wow, wow.
- (GRUNTS) - Greg, you got this cabana just for us? - Huh? Yeah, one second.
Hey, everybody! I got us a cabana! You just screamed that directly into my face.
Well, then, they definitely heard me.
Why aren't they all running in here and chanting "Greg"? Because this isn't college and you're not doing a keg stand? Well, they had no problem celebrating Matt when all he did was just touch a little screen.
God.
Are you serious? You got this cabana just because Matt booked the rooms? You're damn right I did.
What, you think I spent all this money to impress you? You're not my family You're just my wife Oh, hey, uh, Heather, hey Check it out.
I got this cabana for the whole family.
Oh, that's so nice.
Hey, do you have a bathroom in there? No.
Okay.
I think I'm gonna just go swimming instead.
- Go, Dad! - (SQUEALING, LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Man, I love this resort.
I wish we had our honeymoon at Baha Mar.
Greg? Remember our honeymoon? - You were there.
- Look at them.
It is like they are addicted to the pool.
And they have one at home.
I mean, we got a color TV in here.
Yeah, I always love connecting with you.
I don't get it.
I just I do not understand it.
Okay, Greg, if you really want your family to come in here so bad, just tell 'em we want to be alone.
That usually brings 'em running.
That's a great idea.
I'll be right back.
And easy on the grapes, all right? Those are for everyone.
Come on.
Huh? How about this? Welcome to our cabana.
We've got a fully-stocked bar over there.
Full color TV.
Some magazines.
My, uh beautiful wife.
Always fun to come in right under magazines.
(CHUCKLES) Um, can I go back in the pool? Uh, yeah, sure.
Just, uh, uh, be sure to tell everybody how lit it is in here.
Okay? I guess if it comes up organically.
But it kind of feels desperate otherwise.
So bye.
Wh-What do you mean, desperate? Greg, honey, who cares if your family thinks you're less generous than Matt? Who is poor, by the way.
I mean, let's see him get a cabana for the family.
It's a lot harder than just, you know, booking rooms.
Is it, though? No, it's pretty much the exact same thing.
But still! He just booked it for the free nights.
Wait, what was that? Free nights? Yeah.
On Hotels.
com, you get a free night for every ten you stay.
Colleen was telling me all about it on the flight over.
By the way, she will still keep talking even if you pretend you're asleep.
Unbelievable.
Hey, Jen.
I got your text.
You want to make fun of Greg in private? Ha! No.
(LAUGHS) I sent that text from Jen's phone, and you came running like a little idiot.
JEN: Oh, my God.
Greg, you said you would let me leave before you did this.
No, Jen, I want you here to witness this.
Prepare to be even more attracted to me.
I know that you booked this whole vacation so that you could get some free nights.
- Yeah.
- Don't deny it.
Colleen and I haven't taken a trip by ourselves, ever.
Oh, yeah, she did mention that on the plane.
Then she used my credit card to order a Bistro Box.
Well, ha-ha, how about that? You know, I bet the whole family would love to know that you did all of this just for your own benefit.
I told 'em.
They were all really happy that we could finally take a honeymoon together.
Wow.
(CLEARS THROAT) It would appear that you've covered all of your bases and I have wasted a lot of money.
Wow, Greg.
This is so hot.
Really sorry that this upset you so much.
How 'bout I pay for this cabana? That make you feel better? Yes.
Yes, it would.
Okay.
Boy, it's a scorcher out there.
It's a good thing you got this cabana, Greg.
Actually, I'm the one who's paying for it, so you should probably be thanking me.
Right, Greg? - My hero.
- Oh! - Mwah.
- Mwah.
MATT: Hey, everybody, welcome to the cabana that I'm paying for.
- There's water, grapes.
- Oh! - Make yourselves at home.
- Thank you.
So generous.
- Beautiful.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) There's a color TV.
- HEATHER: Ooh! - Okay! Feeling lucky.
All I need are some numbers.
All right, kids' birthdays.
Tyler.
Sam.
And Sophia.
No.
- Sophia's? - No.
Not even close, babe.
TIM: Red, - the color of Sophia's eyes.
- Mm.
WOMAN: Help! We need a doctor! - Somebody help! - HEATHER: Honey, that guy's choking.
- Oh, my God.
- Okay.
Hey.
Look out! I'm a doctor! I'm a doctor! It's okay.
It's okay.
You're all right, sir.
You're all right, sir.
I got you.
You ready? You ready? - (GRUNTING) - Okay.
Come on, come on.
Here we go.
All right.
And one more.
- Let's do it! - (COUGHS, GASPS) - Oh! Babe, you did it! - (APPLAUSE) That's my husband! That's my husband! The-the doctor, not the choking guy! Oh, God! - Yes! Yes! - Thank you.
Oh.
And he's good in bed! Really just, good in bed! And then, just like that boom, your dad saved this guy's life.
- (CHUCKLING) - Way to go, Dad.
Hey, does that help with your malpractice suit? That's a whole separate thing.
- Oh.
- That is so amazing.
Hey, you know, maybe I should be a doctor.
Yeah, sure.
Sure.
And if that wasn't enough, it was a rich guy.
That's worth, like, two normal people lives.
Good for you, Dad.
Oh, I wouldn't use the word "hero," sweetie, but I'm not gonna stop you if you do.
You know what, honey, I think I'm having a hard time breathing, and I might need you to get behind me later tonight.
- No.
- Ooh.
Ooh.
You're literally surrounded by your children.
Oh, oh, you guys, there he is.
Right there.
This is the guy who owes his life to your dad.
Oh, he doesn't have to stop a say thank you, but I'm not gonna deny him the opportunity to.
Hey.
Doc That's weird.
- Maybe he's still in shock.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
You know what? I think I'm in shock, too.
I think I might need someone to knock some life into me later tonight.
Mom! - Oh, what? - We're in a public place.
I can't believe he didn't say thank you.
I thought you said he was in shock.
No.
Shock's not a real thing.
It's just something doctors say when we don't know what's wrong.
Well, go over there.
Give him a chance to say thank you.
He had his chance.
He walked right by me.
He embarrassed me in front of Clementine, my very own daughter-in-law.
Well, you know, honey, he probably didn't recognize you.
I mean, the whole thing, it happened so fast.
- I do look like a local.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, watch my drink.
- Yeah, you got it.
I'm gonna watch something else, too, there.
Walk away slowly, hero.
Don't.
You know I hate that.
I can still see it.
Yeah, there's a lot there to see.
play tennis in the morning.
I'm gonna take a lesson.
Hey, buddy.
What can I do for you? Dr.
Tim Hughes, lifesaver.
(LAUGHS) Want to get get your hands off me, please ? I saved you from choking.
My hands were all over you.
(LAUGHS) Sir, I think that you've had a little too much to drink.
Maybe this will jog your memory.
Huh? It's the olive you almost choked on.
I mean, it's not the exact same one, but I did find it on the ground.
(LAUGHS) I have no idea what you're talking about.
Honey, let's get out of here.
The guy's putting the moves on me.
Okay? You're welcome.
- He say thank you? - No.
Man, I was so stupid to think I could have gotten a selfie of the two of us posing with the olive.
Okay, honey, you know what? You have all of these patients that really appreciate you.
Okay, so one doesn't.
Big deal.
No, it is a big deal, Heather.
I'm an ENT.
I never get to swoop in and save someone's life like a rock star.
It's all just polyps and throat cultures.
That saves lives.
Yeah, but they're asleep when I do it.
No one's ever awake enough during surgery to say thank you.
Except Mr.
Samson, but we really shouldn't be talking about the lawsuit.
No.
Honey, you did the right thing.
Okay? Remember that.
You are a great doctor.
I should've let him die.
French fries.
Oh.
Mmm.
Look at him over there.
- Breathing, living.
- Oh, my God.
Hoarding his gratitude.
All right, Tim, honey, you've got to just let it go.
All right? I mean, maybe he's just the kind of guy who doesn't say thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You're a lifesaver.
Extra pickles.
- Okay, that's it.
- Tim, honey, I - Hey! What's your problem? - Oh.
This lemon meringue, again.
Okay, what do you want? I want to hear you say, "Thank you" for saving my life in the casino.
" No.
(STAMMERS) I don't know what you're talking about.
I No, sir.
(LAUGHS) I was not in the casino.
The casino? Yeah, you promised you'd stop.
Honey, please.
Uh, uh, he's crazy.
Okay? I've never seen him before in my life.
- You're a lying bastard.
- S Honey, please.
Please! Oh, you're an idiot.
I told her that I would never gamble again.
She said if she caught me, she'd leave me.
Thanks a lot.
Hey, I'm a doctor.
No "thank you" necessary.
(LAUGHS) This guy.
COLLEEN: Honey, I know your grandpa paid for the entire trip, but doesn't five bucks feel a little cheapy? That's twice as much as he ever gave me for my birthday.
- All right, here we go.
- Okay.
This won't take long.
(SLOT MACHINE CHIMING) - (MACHINE RINGING) - (GASPS) Matt.
Okay, this machine has to be broken because we're never lucky.
Yeah.
The last thing I won was a BMX bike a radio call-in.
And then when I went to go pick it up, it was a sting operation to arrest my dad for unpaid parking tickets.
There was no bike.
Where are Matt and Colleen? I thought it was going to be the four of us.
Yeah, I know.
Well, that might have been the reason some of us even agreed to do this in the first place.
JOAN: Oh, well.
How often do you and I get to do a quiet activity alone together for two and a half hours? This is two and a half hours? Wow.
Well (CLEARS THROAT) If your critique of my art is anything like your critique of my breakfast choices, this is gonna be a lot of fun.
Who eats sushi before 11:30 in the morning? No, don't raise your hand.
I'm asking the class.
- This is insane.
- (CHUCKLES) (GROANS) I'm starving and I have to go to the bathroom.
I know, I know.
Me too.
I know, but we can't leave.
- N-No.
- Everybody knows that this is a hot machine, and the vultures are circling.
Excuse me.
Uh, I believe there's a time limit on these machines.
Sorry.
Go fly away, little birdie.
- Fly away.
- Okay, okay.
Okay.
All right.
We have to take a break.
- We have to do something.
- Okay.
Okay, Grandpa.
We're just gonna go ahead and put you right here, and if anyone tries to wheel you away, you just scream, okay? COLLEEN: Okay, thanks.
Bye.
I don't know this show.
What is this show? Where's Andy Rooney? (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Oh, look.
Hi, kids.
- Hi! - Oh, hey.
Hi.
Have you seen Matt and Colleen? We've been searching for them everywhere.
They've been holed up in the casino, missing all of this.
- Ooh.
- Oh, yeah, no.
- You help yourself.
- Wait a minute.
They've been hiding out in the casino all day? Man, why didn't I think of that? Didn't you have fun at art class? Well, no, I mean, the second hour really was a banger.
- All right.
Whoa.
- (SHRIEKS) - Oh, no, no.
It's just us.
It's okay.
- Oh.
I'm glad you're back.
I'm sick of sitting here.
I came to Nassau for the ocean view.
Say no more.
There you go.
I'm not so old that I don't know the difference between a wall and the ocean.
Oh.
It's windy today.
There you are.
What are you two doing? You've been in here all day.
You should be outside, enjoying paradise.
And why is Mort in a time-out? Oh, no.
He didn't say that word again, did he? Oh, no, that's just where we're storing him.
Storing him? Until we need him to hold the machine when we go to the bathroom and get food, take naps and stuff.
Wow.
Just what he wants to be doing on what is Let's be honest His final vacation.
I'll be in the Bahamas next month.
That's now, Mort.
Here, let me wheel you to a different wall, give you a change of scenery.
Oh.
- Wonderful.
- This is a couples excursion to a private island.
Take it, please, and start having a real vacation.
(SIGHS) All right.
Oh, my God.
(CHUCKLES) This is I mean, look.
- Your mom is a genius.
- (CHUCKLES) I can't believe we almost missed this.
(CHUCKLES): I know, right? I mean, this is - paradise.
- Mm.
What's that noise? - I think that's the ocean.
- Oh.
- It's very loud.
Can't Yeah.
- Mm.
That sun is It's really blinding.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm.
Matt, ugh, this suck Yeah, no, this is ridiculous.
I can't relax like this.
- We need to get back to our machine.
- Yep.
Why do we ever listen to my mom? - She's an idiot.
- Yes.
What was she thinking? Hit it.
Hit it.
Hit it.
- Aah! - Yes! - Bring us our money! - (CLINKING) We want our money! - Money person? - But, seriously, who does bring that money? Hello? I want to stand up to make an announcement.
(GRUNTS) It'll sound the same sitting.
I didn't just bring you here for a vacation.
I wanted to introduce you to someone special in my life.
What, you're already dating someone? (QUIETLY): Mom just died.
Oh, but, to be fair, she was a horrible person.
I'm not dating.
I would never betray your mother like that.
Now, I'd like you to meet the son I had behind your mother's back.
- What? - Stuart.
Hello, family! Hello! Hi.
How are you? Nice to see you.
I'm your Uncle Stuart.
- How do you do? - The olive guy.
Ah, it's a pleasure.
You, I know.
You, I don't like so much.
But I saved your life.
Yeah, you saved my life, you killed my marriage.
How could you, Dad? I told you I hated your mother.
But, over time, I I grew to hate his, too.
Oh, she's a horrible woman.
Your mother, not mine.
God rest her soul.
My mother, not yours.
Okay, okay.
So, I'm related to this guy? What do you say you put out your shaking hand and I say, "You put that thing away" and we hug like brothers? What do you say you and my good-for-nothing father go to hell? And then we'll hug like brothers.
I'm so sorry, honey.
I can't imagine how you feel.
The rest of us are just reeling.
Well, Sophia didn't seem to care much.
Oh, but she's a child.
Yeah, well, I'm not giving her a birthday gift.
Who's the child now? John.
How did he have time for another family when he never had time for ours? You know, he worked non-stop.
Yeah, but when you think about it, what kind of a gym teacher takes business trips? I like these.
What are these, tuna? These tuna fish? MORT: Uh, stingrays.
- STUART: Stingrays? - MORT: Yeah.
Oh, okay, yeah.
Okay, I can see that.
- You okay, Johnny? - Yeah.
I want to make sure you give Junior a fair shake.
Junior? Who's Junior? Oh, I don't like where this is going.
Stuart's my middle name.
My first name is Mort, just like Dad.
Mort Stuart Short? Why do you get the most beautiful name in the family? No, honey, don't worry.
I-I'm sure John is a family name, too.
Right? We let the nurse name you.
(CHIRPING) I should've known when I saw Dad having lunch with another family.
- What? When did that happen? - Yeah.
At his nursing home.
He said he wanted to eat with his other family.
You know, I-I smiled and just left, knowing I'd done the right thing, putting him in that home.
Oh, well, now maybe you don't have to visit him so much.
And you always complained about that difficult parking lot anyway.
I think my dad loves the man he named after himself more than he loves me.
And I'll bet that nurse named me a-after a corpse in the hallway.
John Doe Short, don't even say that.
You're focusing on the wrong thing.
I mean, you can be angry with your father or you can be happy you have a brother.
I mean, you always wished for a brother, right? Yeah.
To teach me to play the guitar.
But does Stuart even know how? I mean, he's obviously a cool guy, but who knows if he's musical? Well, why don't you talk to him and find out? Oh, sure.
Yeah, jazz, classical, calypso, rock, blues.
I hate every kind of guitar.
- Oh.
Oh, well, then, - Hmm.
Uh, maybe you two can find something else to bond over.
No.
No, I'm a man of very few interests.
I'm just a guy who spent his life in the skies.
Oh, you're a pilot, too? Flight attendant! Oh.
Yeah.
W-Well, we'll-we'll find something.
"L" is for the way You look at me - "O" is for - Wow! Great! Look, uh, I'm sorry I was so cold when we first met.
Oh, put that thing away.
Come on, come on.
Bring it in.
"E" is even more than anyone Listen, Johnny boy, having a brother takes a little getting used to.
I know it took me a long time to get used to Gary.
Oh, I don't like where this is going.
Who's Gary? He's your other brother.
Dad got around a lot.
- You got to be kidding.
- No, no, no.
You're gonna love Gary.
He's the best.
Yeah.
It's Mitch that's the real bastard.
But that's teenagers for you.
Mitch? Maybe Mitch knows how to play the guitar.
LOVE was made for me, and you