Lovejoy (1986) s04e12 Episode Script

(Man and woman speaking Russian) It's very beautiful.
I did say it was something special.
And you have full provenance.
See for yourself.
Name of the owner on the box, A.
Smyton, made for him in Lisbon in 1583.
Been in the Smyton family ever since.
How did you acquire it? Well I bought it direct from a family, actually.
It was Lovejoy who put me onto it.
I'm surprised they didn't put it up for auction.
Yeah, well, a bit strapped for cash, I'm afraid.
Fortunately I was able to oblige.
Oh Some of the family papers here, if you'd care to take a look at them.
Be my guest.
Thank you.
Looking good, Lovejoy.
She certainly is.
- I mean the deal.
- Mm.
Sorry I was a touch suspicious when you brought this to my attention.
- That's all right, Charlie.
- Perhaps we can do business some other time? Yeah, perhaps.
Wotcha, Charlie.
How's it going? Do you mind? It's going very well, I'm doing business here.
In the kitchen, please.
- Have you got some Scotch, mate? - In the kitchen! Please, will you Thank you.
Out.
Who's the fine arts crowd, Charlie? Sister's in-laws.
Here to mend the roof.
That's what they're supposed to be doing, anyway.
(Man talking Russian) Excuse me.
This could be my chance, Lovejoy.
(Speaking Russian) Yes, this we call an astrolabe.
Um It's used by sailors.
Er, sailors, um Um Er, to, er, navigate um, across the seas? (English accent) Thank you.
Would you mind terribly if I took a closer look? Be my guest.
Um, excuse me.
I'm looking for Lovejoy.
You wouldn't happen to know where I could find him, would you? Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Um Er, I don't suppose you've heard of someone called Lovejoy, have you? Loveboy? There's no Loveboy here.
No, Lovejoy.
Lovejoy? Never heard of him.
Well, thanks all the same.
- Smells of trouble, that one.
- That's not all he smells of.
You're saying this is a genuine Absolutely.
It may interest you to know that three major European museums and a private collector also own astrolabes which purport to be the property of A.
Smyton.
How could there be four of these? Well, we thought that this might be the original.
- But unfortunately - (Lovejoy) There must be some mistake.
No mistake.
It is a fake.
We believe someone who has good contacts with the family makes these.
(Shouting angrily) Cost me eight grand, that! Where's my money? I want it back now! Jane, what can I say? - And finally, the dining room.
- Oh, it looks wonderful! The Pembroke table cost roughly what we'd allowed but the dining table and chairs were a lot more.
I wouldn't worry about that.
I can always send them back, look for something else.
- Oh no, it'd be such a pity.
- I've got two beautiful Victorian watercolors that would look good one the walls here, but they are pricey.
- Well, can I see them? - They're at the office.
You've really done a marvelous job, Jane.
It's been a lovely house to work on.
I'm rather sorry it's over.
Well, at least now we don't have to worry about mixing business with pleasure.
No.
Where's Lovejoy? No idea.
He's not in there.
He's very popular these days is Lovejoy.
Loveboy.
Lovejoy! (Lovejoy) Been a great little money-spinner over the years, the Smyton astrolabe.
I have this understanding with the current A.
Smyton.
He provides the provenance, I provide the astrolabe.
I thought I could go on turning them out forever, like a sort of a pension.
Something else will turn up.
I've never liked planning ahead since I heard the story about the fella who took up golf when he retired.
He said he wasn't gonna play until he got good at the game, so you could see him practicing, perfecting his swing, there he was.
"Do you want a game?" the other people would say.
"No, not yet.
" Just practice, practice, get better.
"Do you want a game?" "No, not yet.
" "Not yet!" Then he died.
See what I mean? Dennis! - Hello, Evie.
- Hello, Lovejoy.
- Are you looking for my husband? - That's the general idea.
- I'm afraid you're looking in the wrong place.
- Where would the right place be? - You could try Bermuda.
- What's he doing there? I can imagine exactly what he's doing in Bermuda.
I need to speak to him urgently.
- I wouldn't mind a word with him myself.
- You don't know where he is in Bermuda? I try not to keep my dearly beloved on too tight a rein, Lovejoy.
He'll be back, as soon as the money runs out.
Oh, he did leave you a message.
Something about some money of yours.
- Yeah? - He couldn't track you down before he left, so he's put it in the building society.
- The what? - He said, "Tell Lovejoy not to worry.
" It's earning a very good rate of interest.
Morning, guys.
Charlie's looking for you.
Yeah, he's got some friends with him and I'd avoid them if I were you.
Oh, I wouldn't disturb her.
(Giggling) Sorry, Lovejoy.
I was just going.
- You don't have to.
- No, I've a few things to do.
Well, these are lovely, but I'd quite like to see them in my dining room.
I'll bring them out later.
- Knock next time, please, Lovejoy.
- Sorry.
What do you want? And I hope it's not the usual.
What does that mean? Money, of course, because I haven't got any.
No, this time it's really, really important.
You can't keep saying "this time it's really, really important" every time.
It's unfair to the English language.
Well, maybe I could get something for golden boy's house, or you could just lend it me.
Maybe next week, not today.
Next week just send a wreath.
Don't be so melodramatic.
Look, I'm totally up to my overdraft limit.
I've had to pay out for everything we bought for lain's house and he's had trouble transferring his money back from the Far East, so maybe at the end of the week - maybe.
- Yeah, well, these are too good for him.
- Lovejoy.
There's just something about him, I don't trust him.
I'd prefer it if you kept your opinions about lain to yourself.
I thought I'd made that clear already.
- I'm trying to warn - Just jealous.
God knows why.
- I'm just trying to warn you.
- Well, don't bother.
You stick to your business and I'll stick to mine.
(Eric) So, we in the money, then? (Tinker) White Hart'll be open in a minute, time to settle one's bar bill.
- Why are you following me? - The astrolabe! As in, got rid of? Time to pay back old friends.
Got rid of, yes.
Paid, no.
Oh, you've done it again.
This is what I keep telling you, Lovejoy.
You've got to take a more responsible attitude towards money.
Money up front! Get yourself an endowment, take out a TESSA, cos there's a lot to be said for - building societies! - Agh! Lovejoy! What, do I know Who is this tramp?! Jamie? James.
Lord Kincardon of Kincardon and their ilk.
- You're k-kidding aren't you? - No, just call me Jamie.
What are you doing here? I'm in a spot of trouble actually, Lovejoy.
I managed to hang on to the ancestral pile until a few years ago.
Of course, I've never been very good with money.
A lot of acid around in the '60s, Lovejoy.
Oh, I've stopped all that now, but erm no idea where the money went.
As Mick Jagger said when they asked him to write his autobiography, "No can do, old boy, can't remember a thing!" Always very generous to the bookmakers too, as I remember.
Even so, I might have managed to scrape through, selling the odd bit like you used to do for me.
So what happened? Tragedy struck.
Ah, someone died, did they? No, I got married.
(Tinker) Ha! The bourne from which no man returns.
Actually, it wasn't the marriage so much as the divorce.
She got her hands on absolutely everything.
The Black Widow.
And she's still prowling around.
You know? In case she missed something.
I think she was pretty thorough, Jamie.
I had virtually what I stood up in, so I took to the road.
I've been there ever since.
- But that's awful.
- I wouldn't say that.
Yes, best thing I ever did.
Happiest two years of my life.
I've often thought of becoming a gentleman of the road.
Just moving along, thinking one's thoughts, beholden to no one, till nightfall, when, the day done, the weary traveler comes gently to rest in a wayside inn.
(Laughing) Er, Tink, haven't you got to help Janey with that stuff this afternoon? - Yeah, you'd better get a move on.
- All right.
We don't wanna be late because this is a job we're being paid for.
Er, there was one thing, Lovejoy, I managed to hang on to.
Yeah? Rather beautiful miniature by Cresswell.
It was my mother's.
She gave it to me just before she died.
It's a painting of her grandmother.
So where is it? I pawned it.
2,500.
Of course, it's worth more than that, a great deal more, I know, but I thought if I don't pawn it for too much I can always get it back.
- How are you gonna get it back? - Gee-gees, old boy.
Always loved a flutter.
Only thing is the four-legged friends haven't been too kind to poor Jamie recently.
How did you get this, by the way? This? I was fast asleep in a field.
Didn't really see it coming.
Oh.
That's a blow.
Mm.
Well, what do you think? - They're pretty.
- But you're not sure.
Could grow on me.
- They are more expensive - Oh, never mind about that.
Which reminds me - the bank finally sorted itself out.
Ah! Thanks.
My bank manager will be pleased to see this.
- If there's anything else, just let me know.
- Of course.
Actually, I'd better get this round to the bank now.
Oh, sure.
So, erm, what do you want to do about the watercolors? Erm Could you leave them for a while, maybe? - Well, I did say I'd get them back tonight.
- Oh, what a shame.
Well, I'm sure I an sort something out.
It shouldn't be a problem.
- We can talk about them over dinner.
- Mm.
See you later.
- Yes, bye.
- Bye.
- I've been thinking, Jamie.
- Yes? You say it's a Cresswell, yeah? Yes.
Well, that makes it worth I mean, if you want to sell it when you get it back - If I get it back.
- Assuming, yeah.
I could get maybe 50, 60 grand for it.
Ah, yes.
What do you mean, "Ah, yes"? Well, yes, you could.
But I don't want to sell it, Lovejoy.
Not even if I could get 50, 60 grand? It's special.
Yeah, but it could It could set you up, Jamie.
What, and come off the road, you mean? - I suppose so.
- I don't ever want to come off the road.
I'm happy.
What other people can say that? Poor and content is rich and rich enough.
(Sighs) That's Othello.
I don't think spiritually I was ever meant to be burdened with money.
My inner urge has always been to get rid of it as soon as possible.
So I can return to my, erm, true condition.
That's an interesting theory, Jamie.
No, no.
All I want in life is to get the miniature back and set out on the road.
- Lovejoy? - Hm? I was wondering how you said you didn't have a house.
- No.
- No.
No, or a flat.
- Or a cottage.
- No.
Nothing.
Oh.
Well, where are we going to sleep, then? What do you mean, "we"? Well, there's nothing wrong right here, of course.
Under the stars, gazing into infinity.
Where man can be at one with himself.
I'm glad you've sorted yourself out, Jamie.
- Where are you going? - I'm going for a walk.
Oh, good idea.
Hang on! This sweaty haste doth make the night joint-laborer with the day.
- Shakespeare, Lovejoy.
- Hm? Hamlet.
It means hang on a minute.
(Jane) So, you must have met Alex when you were out in Hong Kong.
(lain) Oh, once or twice, just in passing.
One's always curious, even though you're not really together any more, you still like to know the other person's OK.
I do, anyway.
Well, as I say, he seemed fine to me.
- I'm sorry, I shouldn't be talking about this.
- No, no, no.
I don't mind at all.
It's strange, I wouldn't really talk about it with anyone else.
Not even Lovejoy? No.
You know I've really enjoyed this last month or so.
Me too.
I've never been married, myself.
There have been one or two special women through the years but I'd almost given up thinking it would ever happen again.
You almost sound sad about it.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, not at all.
Well, that's enough about all this.
Let's talk about something really serious.
Oh, like what? Like what's for pudding? - What are you going to have? - I don't mind.
You choose.
Let me have men about me that are fat, sleek-headed men and such as sleep o' nights: Yond Lovejoy has a lean and hungry look; he doth think too much: Such men are dangerous.
- Jamie - What? Shut up.
(Jane) Thanks.
I've really enjoyed tonight.
(lain) Good.
(Jane) You've been very quiet.
- Nothing wrong, I hope? - No.
You could come in, if you like.
No, not tonight.
- I've got an early start in the morning.
- OK.
Good night.
See you tomorrow.
Good night.
I loved that miniature, Lovejoy.
It was so beautiful.
It was just like my mother, really.
You know, I am stupid, I hate pawnbrokers.
All for the sake of a measly three grand.
- Yeah.
- I've spent that kind of money in one night.
Now I don't have it it's the one thing in the world that I care about.
It's the same the whole world over It's the poor what get the blame Jamie! This is not going to work.
Oh, I never said it would, did I? Still, it's only water.
(Lovejoy groans) - Erm, Lovejoy.
- Yeah? - Would you mind if I took my shoes off? - Do I have to answer that now? Oh, my Oh! - What? - Oof! I did ask.
That was before I knew what it was gonna be like.
After two years on the road, you cease to notice.
Well, you might! - You've got to get used to living rough.
- No I don't! - Out! - Oh, no.
- Out! Out! - Oh - Oh, please! - Out! I hope you don't mind me calling in so early, Jane.
- Not at all.
- I'd like to see the material again, just to be sure, and I've got to go to London.
- It's no problem.
I've got it all here.
- You're so accommodating.
That's what's no nice about employing you, Jane.
One feels one's dealing with one's own kind.
(Screams) Oh! Hello, Lady Bream.
Oh, hello, Janey.
I've just, um (Chuckles) That is it, Lovejoy, that is it! - Hello.
- All right.
I'm just, er browsing.
Help yourself.
Mm! She's beautiful.
Still pledged, I'm afraid.
Can't sell her at the moment.
How much would she go for? - You're looking at about 5,000.
- Five grand? It would be more but it's only a copy.
- Copy? - Copy of a Cresswell.
What, you heard of Cresswell? No.
I've had it confirmed, by Hyde and Jenkins of Bond Street.
- You heard of them? - Who? - Hyde and Jenkins.
- No.
No.
There's a nice bit of silver down there, have a look at that.
Yeah, I'm just browsing, you know.
Get yourself a little St.
Christopher or something.
Copy? That's a real Cresswell if ever I saw one.
Conservative estimate? 40 grand.
Valued by Hyde and Jenkins of Bond Street.
They're all in this together.
Bunch of crooks.
They're gonna split 40 grand 50/50.
Must have seen our Jamie coming.
Ooh! - Good morning, Lovejoy.
- Good morning, Jamie.
- Sleep well? - Oh, yes.
And you? - Oh, passably well.
- Good.
- Can I ask you something? - Yes.
When does your pledge run out? What day is it? It's Wednesday.
- Wednesday the what? - The 10th.
- Erm - Today? Yes, I've got until half past five.
I've got to find £3,375 - You worked that out, did you? - Yes, I did.
by half past five tonight.
Well, they are screwing you, Jamie, I'd go to the police if I was you.
Yes, I'd rather not, actually.
Why not? - Erm - Why? - No special reason.
- That miniature, is it dodgy? Not exactly, no.
Come on, Jamie, calm down.
What is it? - Come on, what is it? - Well My wife had a sequestration order on the house and property.
As far as I was concerned, she could have everything except that, except the miniature.
So when I left, I took it with me.
- And she knows this, does she? - Yes.
She's had a private detective trying to track it down ever since.
So if we go to the police she's bound to find out about it.
Does get any easier, does it, Jamie? No, not really, no.
Couldn't borrow the money, could I? Treasury bonds.
It's on something called rollover.
Oh! You can't get at it for 90 days.
Thank you, Evie.
I'll call you in another 88 days.
That's it for my money.
It's on rollover, whatever that is.
Everyone else I know's gone AWOL.
George Coleman's fishing in Anchorage, Alan Smith's on a golfing holiday in Portugal - either of those two would have helped us out.
It's all my fault.
I never should have pawned it.
Where are you going? It doesn't matter really.
I'll fetch up somewhere.
No, look Jamie, it does matter.
I won't let you do this.
They are screwing you.
So? I've been screwed before.
How much money have you got? Couple of quid.
I've got 23p, right? Now, drastic situations, Jamie, require drastic measures.
Oh God bless you, my sons.
Oh, thank you, ma'am.
There's 43p.
£2.
43.
Right! (Chuckles) - Where are you going? - Work.
Come on.
(Jamie laughs) - Hello, Sandra.
- Lovejoy, what are you doing here? - Just want a quick look round.
- Shouldn't take long! How much for these? - What one earth do you want with those? - For my sewing.
How much? - 2.
75.
- 2.
43 for trade, all right? in your old age, aren't you? - These are beautiful, Lovejoy.
- Yeah, and original thread on the buttons.
I'll give you 40 for the pair.
Tell you what, give me 30 and I'll take this.
- All right.
- Right.
- What are you doing? - Oh, Jamie.
Come on, Jamie.
It's the other side of town.
- Ooh! - You want to watch that.
I keep doing that.
- I keep meaning to put it up on the shelf.
- Hm? - "Caledonia.
" - First World War china's going up in price.
That was 65 quid.
- I'll go to 40.
- 50.
- 45.
- 45, and I'll take this cactus off your hands.
Oh, I wish you would.
You've lost me, Lovejoy.
I didn't know we were opening a garden center.
We're not.
Jamie! Biscuit barrel.
1894, excellent condition.
Oh plated fittings.
- How much? - To you, Jenny, 90.
- 75.
- 80.
- It's lunch time and I'm late already.
- It's yours.
Local lunch hour.
Pity, I was just getting into my stride.
(Jamie) You'll never do it.
(Lovejoy) 150.
(Jamie) Long way to go.
Well, like they say, it's always the first hundred that's most difficult.
- I thought that was the first million.
- Same principle.
Jake - he never shuts.
Come on.
Jake? Well, it's minor detail.
It's the sort of detail even my punters might notice.
It's Edwardian mahogany with an original marble top.
Look, you put a pint of steaming hot tea on that and wallop! Over it goes.
All down your leg.
Up the hospital for burns and who do you sue? Yours flamin' truly.
Stick this back on and sell it for twice the price.
I'd do it myself if I wasn't so busy.
- Like your blanket box, though.
- Yeah, so do I.
'Ello, this is Ron Steigers from the pawn shop.
I wonder if you can help me.
Yeah, I had a couple of rings go missing this morning.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I think I know who took 'em.
(Ringing tone) - How much do you reckon this is worth? - Oh, about 900 in the right place.
Really? I think we're gonna do this.
Oh, yeah.
I think we've got plen I've got to take some things over to lain's.
Can you come with me? Oh, great.
Yeah, sure.
I've tried ringing a couple of times but I haven't had an answer.
He must be outside.
Eric! (Woman) No, the pawnbroker didn't actually see you take the rings.
Then you don't have a case against us.
But the rings were there and after you had been in, they weren't there.
So he says.
Well, why would Mr.
Steigers want to make up a thing like that? - I can't imagine.
- Oh.
Well, let's start at the beginning again, shall we? There doesn't seem to be anybody here.
Well, perhaps he's in the garden somewhere.
Eric, go round the back and see if he's there, will you? - Go on! - Hm! Lazy blighter.
I don't understand this.
Look.
He left the watercolors.
(Inspector) Now there's something fishy going on, I know it.
I think Mr.
Steigers made a mistake, it's as simple as that.
Oh, no.
No, there's more to it than that.
I've got a sixth sense for this kind of thing.
I'm sorry, ma'am, but there's nothing else we can tell you.
Well, I don't believe you.
And I'm going to keep you here until I get to the bottom of this.
Do you want me to drive you back? Thanks, Eric, I can manage.
- We're not getting anywhere.
- There's nowhere to get.
Jack, would you just open that window a bit wider, please? When the last time you had a bath? You know, we really don't have a thing on them.
- (Jack) They're up to something.
- I know, but what? Search me.
(Whispers) Take your shoes off.
Take your shoes off.
Maybe we should just bang 'em up for the rest of the day.
Cor, you know, I am sure it's got worse since you opened that window.
Do you really want him here for the rest of day? Most of the lads haven't had their lunch yet.
Oh, all right, Lovejoy, go on.
Hop it.
And you, too, especially you.
Gawd! But I'll be looking out for you both! We have been a busy little bee, haven't we? How much can you do me on these? We're not talking biscuit barrels, these are serious.
- Well, how much? - They were down at £1,100.
Well, you wouldn't charge me that, would you? Besides, I haven't the strength to carry this out of here again.
OK.
There's an interesting mark on these, do you know what it is? No Oh.
Interesting mark here, - do you know what it stands for? - No.
Well, these wine coasters were made for a state visit to Edinburgh in 1825 by George IV.
And everyone, including Walter Scott and the King himself, wore kilts.
- Really? - Mm.
In fact a set of these were sold at Sotheby's - and in not such good condition - for fourteen hundred quid in 1989.
- Do you mind if I just check that? - No, not at all.
Well, that was a few years ago.
- Are you being absolutely honest, Lovejoy? - Absolutely.
Shall I put the kettle on, lovey? Do you know where Lovejoy is? He's a bit busy, I'm afraid.
Yeah, I heard he's trying to raise some money.
Oh.
- Would you like a cup of tea? - If you're offering, I'll have one.
- Are you feeling peckish, Jamie? - Not in the the least.
- We're not gonna make this, you know.
- Yes we are, and I'm starving.
Come on.
I'm not.
(Charlie) Be careful, you get on the back there.
Right.
Be careful now, watch that corner.
Don't scratch it! I can see you've never handled furniture before.
- Where are we taking it? - Just down the road.
Get that mattress up there.
Don't bother.
No, don't bother! I'm not hungry, I don't want anything to eat.
Well, I am and I do.
There! That's his truck, over there.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you, Eddie.
(Starts engine) - Thank you, bye.
- Bye! Bean sprouts, Charlie? Lovejoy! Get that lever! You need the brakes fixed on this.
(All shouting) It's jammed! I'll have you, Lovejoy, I'll have you! I think you're right, Lovejoy.
It does look like McCreach.
It would have helped if the old bugger had signed his paintings.
That would have been vanity in the eyes of the Lord.
It would have made life easier for people like me.
Look at this.
- "Framed in Watford.
" - What's Watford got to do with it? Well, after his death, McCreach's wife went to live in Watford with one of their daughters.
I didn't know.
- Very impressive, Lovejoy.
- What? - About the artist's wife moving to Watford.
- Yeah, not many people know that.
(Janie) There's not much time.
No.
Well, couple more deals and we're there.
I know just the place.
Erm, Jamie? I'll handle this on my own, just don't wander too far away.
Fine.
(Lovejoy) Terry? What's the time? Ten to four.
Mrs.
C? Um It is a nice piece, Lovejoy.
You'll give me three and a half grand, won't you? - Business is slack these days.
- OK, 3,400.
It's my lowest price.
Audrey, it's a bargain at that, you know it is.
I'd like to, Lovejoy, but I think I'll pass.
Ah, Bergman Foundry.
Carved and cast by Bergman himself, sir, if I may show you.
Just look here, you see? "Nam Greb.
" The famous reversed signature.
Well, these do pretty well in America.
And in Japan, I take things out there every so often.
Yes, it is a very nice piece.
What's it down for? I think it's, erm 4,000, sir.
Hm.
Well, I'll go 3,750, but that's it.
Jamie Jamie! Come on! - So he took the lot? - Yeah, but he left the watercolors.
That's what hurts.
What I don't understand is why we don't just call the police.
Cos Jane doesn't want to.
So, how you feeling? - Stupid.
- I think you're being hard on yourself.
- You were right about him.
- I'm sorry, Janey.
- I really did think You know.
- I know.
Hmm.
So, what did you come here for? Oh, nothing, it doesn't matter.
You must have come for something.
Well, I came to see if you could use your clout at the bank to cash a check for me but it doesn't matter now.
- How much for? - It's 3,500 quid actually.
- OK.
- Yeah? Yes.
Lovejoy, er Lovejoy, I've lost the pawn ticket.
(Whimpers) Can't find it anywhere.
Sorry.
Right, Tink, what is it? Statutory declaration form.
It's been signed by a commissioner for oaths.
I'll go to the bank, I'll be waiting here when you get back.
(Tinker) It's a doddle! Sorry.
I can't help you.
- What do you mean? - Fresh out of statutory declaration forms.
I might have some in the morning, though.
You put the police on to us, didn't you? Someone took those rings, Lovejoy.
Declaration form please.
Oh, here are the forms, Mr.
Steigers.
Sorry, I put them in the wrong place.
Thank you, darling.
(Beeps horn) Tink! Eric! It's five to five! Get back in there and make sure he doesn't close till 5:30! You go on in, I'll stand guard outside.
Hm.
Great! ( Instrumental version of Knights In White Satin) (Hums along) Come on! I, James, er, Kincardon of Kincardon and their ilk, so solemnly hereby swear and affirm Yeah, that I am the person on the form, yes.
All right? Oi! Oi! (Lovejoy) Aha! Oh, Lord.
It's gone 25 past.
Come on, Lovejoy! (Horn blares) (Horn blares) (Sighs) Oh, for goodness' sake, it's nearly half past.
Mine's gone half past! Shh! (Horn blares) Get out of the bloody road! And I'm telling you I'm shutting the shop! You're not allowed to, it's not 5:30 yet.
You wanna get a decent watch, mate, look at me clock! - Well, it can't be 5:30 yet, can it? - Look at me clock, it says half past five! - You can't close till 5:30 - You are getting on my nerves! Oi, we're shut! - (All laughing) - Oi! (Chuckling) (Jamie) Yes.
Isn't she lovely? (Woman) Yes, she is, isn't she? Hello, Jamie.
- (Lovejoy whispers) This the Black Widow? - Stella to my friends.
Fair exchange is no robbery.
See you around, Jamie.
Jamie, you can't let her do this She's got everything else.
Now she's got that.
Perhaps that's the way it was meant to be all along.
But let determined things to destiny hold unbewail'd their way.
(Crash, glass shattering) You bonehead! Hasn't that heap got any brakes? Apparently not.
Anyway, who are you calling a bonehead? You! Because that's obviously all you've got in there! It takes a real frontal lobotomy to drive into a static car! You probably haven't got any insurance.
You probably haven't got any MOT.
You think you can get away with anything! (Charlie groaning) I had an operation there four months ago, madam, you could have undone my stitches! (Charlie) I'll give you brake! (Stella) Well, I'm going to get the police.
God knows what damage you done! - If you'd kindly close your cakehole - My cakehole?! Yes, your cakehole! you'd find that it's not my car! (Stella) Oh, terrific.
(Charlie) Get all the police in in Essex! Bring That's my car! Where are you going, you wimp? - Who are you calling a wimp? - You, you moronic twit! (All laughing) Well, £3,500 in about six hours, you should try that every day, Lovejoy.
- Give me a break, I'm shattered! - Yeah, and just about as broke as ever.
- Well - You can't live like this forever.
You've got to take a more mature attitude, you've got to be more fiscally responsible.
(Tinker) Oh, fiscal off! First you've gotta make yourself some money, then you've gotta get yourself a TESSA.
I'm a great believer in building societies.
- My money's on rollover, Eric.
- Ah.
- Hello, Lovejoy.
- Hello! - I've been looking for you.
- Have you? I wanted to talk to you about the astrolabe.
- What about? - I wondered if you could get some more.
I'll give you a ring tomorrow.
Please do.
Oh, hello, old boy.
There comes a time in the affairs of men Which, taken at the flood! Exactly.
Are you buying? Oh, make it a large Scotch.
Thanks, Keith.
Thank you.
- Er, seen Lovejoy? - He's in the other bar.
Janey, come on.
Cover us, Eric.
Eh? Eric! Those two are made for each other.
- Oh, Janey I know a nice little restaurant - So do I, actually.
by a river.
- Yes, that's right.
(Woman) Oh! (Man) Hello! (Charlie) Aaargh! Where is he? Lovejoy!