Melissa & Joey s04e12 Episode Script

I have a good feeling about this one.
This is the month I've been impregnified.
That's not a word.
Hey, if I can make a human being inside of me, I can make up words.
And I'm telling you, all the signs are there.
My boobs are bigger, my shoes don't fit.
And I've been moodier lately.
Have you noticed? - Of course not, my darling.
- Aww, smart man.
Yes, and we'll know if you are pregnant or not in 21 seconds.
Oh, I'm pregnant.
Yep, I've got the swollen feet and food cravings.
I didn't tell you this, but at 2:00 A.
M.
the other night, I ate half a pound of pastrami.
Actually, it was 2:30.
I mean, I had no clue.
Only seven seconds to go.
Ooh, here, let's take a picture of the moment we find out that we are going to - Not have a baby.
- Huh.
I thought that last blast of my little Longos was gonna do the trick.
I even gave them a pep talk and everything.
Don't picture that.
You know, when I used to get a negative result on a pregnancy test it was "woo-hoo.
" And now it's "boo-hoo.
" Well, look at this way, all right, now that we know you're not pregnant, tonight we can open up a bottle of wine, put on some music, and try this whole thing all over again.
You know what else this means? These shoes actually don't fit.
And I wore them outside! I can't return them! Ugh, it just gets worse and worse.
Sync & Corrections by Darcade Joe! I saw my doctor today.
Well, technically I was watching Dr.
Oz on my phone during a city council vote.
Anyway, the Oz-man recommended a whole new method of getting pregnant.
"Do it as much as you can.
" Sold.
Don't you want to hear the science behind it? Nope.
I mean, we're talking three, four times a day, every day.
Honey, will you stop talking? I'm on board.
That's funny, usually you won't shut up about the science we see on TV.
That's shark week! That's a whole different thing.
Hey, Ryder.
Everything okay at Americorps? Yeah, yeah, I just have to ask you something.
It's about girls.
Oh, sure.
They're the ones with the bumpy things on their fronts.
Yeah, no, I know.
But Juliet keeps complaining about us having problems, but the only problem I can see is things are "too good.
" Yes, girls are always complaining about things being "too good.
" - What does she say is wrong? - I'm not totally sure.
See, when she talks about "the relationship," I kind of don't listen.
Well, right there is solid evidence that things are too good.
Everything's fine! I mean, it's fine.
So, obviously, listening would just be a waste of time.
Ryder, do you like kissing Juliet? Yeah.
Do you like all of the stuff that comes after the kissing? Oh, yeah.
Well, then I hate to break it to you, but if you want to keep doing the fun stuff, you're going to have to listen to her.
There's gotta be an easier way.
Isn't there some kind of secret way to have a relationship without all of the meh meh meh meh? Girls are not video games.
There are no cheat codes.
You have to play every level.
Including "listening to the girl who's talking to you.
" Ryder? Ryder! Die, you scumbags! Are you playing a video game right now? - What does that have to do with anything? - Ryder! Yes, yes.
If you must know, I'm killing vampire Nazis.
I can't believe you're doing that when we're talking about something important.
You sound just like Juliet.
Women don't get it.
I can multi-task.
Good.
Keep not listening to Juliet and you'll be killing vampire Nazis while multi-tasking yourself.
Whoo! Oh, that's what I call the hat trick.
That's the best one yet.
I gotta tell you something sweety this is what I always dreamed that marriage would be like.
- Well, good night.
- Wait wait, champ, hold on.
I want to show you something.
I made a getting pregnant schedule that says when we should have sex.
It's sort of a "to do me" list.
That's amazing, I agree to everything.
- Good night.
- Okay, wait, wait, wait.
So, first thing in the morning we shower together.
And it's a very dirty shower.
Get it? That's right.
Rest up my sweet baby maker.
Replenish.
Replenish.
- What? What are you doing? - We're making a baby.
No, no, can I just brush my teeth first? - So I can enjoy it? - Enjoying it will not make a baby.
No, no! It'll just take a second, honey.
Schedule, Joe, schedule.
The sex train must run on time.
There he is! Upstairs! It's stud time.
I don't know What do you mean? "I don't know?" We're on a schedule.
Let's go, let's go! "Let's go, let's go.
" That's your idea of foreplay? I thought this was the marriage you always dreamed it would be? It is.
You know, it's just I mean it be nice if you Ask me about how my day was first.
All right, that's absolutely fair.
How was your day? Did you get any writing done in your book? - Little bit.
- Oh good, good.
And did you work things out with that client that was bothering you? - Which one? - Oh, you know which one.
Oh, the one with the crooked nose and the arms and the legs? Exactly.
Ha! I knew you weren't asking about anybody in particular, you're just fake asking me questions so I'll give you sex.
What? No! I would never do that! And just to prove it, as soon we get done upstairs I am gonna you order you that fancy cooking thing you've had your eye on.
Oh, I see.
So, you think I can be bought for a four quart double broiler with a copper core and pasta pentola insert.
- I was hoping.
- All right, just this once.
There's no way we can't be pregnant this month.
I mean, we did it 47 times.
I counted 48.
Oh no, my bad, that one can't make a baby.
That was just a little thank you gift from me to you.
Thank you.
Oh! Damn it! All of that doing it for nothing.
I mean, you know, except for the fun.
Ryder! What are you doing here? I missed home.
I wanted to be back home, with everything that I loved.
- Aww, that is so sweet.
- Like this couch.
Did I just hear Ryder's voice? My baby! Hey, why didn't you say hi when you got in, man? - Why didn't you call? - Well, I wanted it to be a surprise.
Thanks for ruining it.
Ryder, don't let this go to your head, but it's sort of nice to see you.
Come here, get in my lap like you used to.
Aunt Mel, I don't know any other way to say this, but you're hurting my junk.
Ooh, sorry! You know I'm so glad that you came to visit us, man.
But when are you heading back to Americorps? Yeah, funny you should ask that, cuz never.
I quit.
Why you guys all looking at me? Is there something you're not telling me? So, then Juliet said she was dumping me, so I quit Americorps.
I mean, what's the point in helping people if there's nothing in it for me? So, you quit over a girl? A very, very hot girl.
Joe, he's just had his heart broken, all right? Leave my little nephew alone.
Little? Mel, he's six -foot, 13.
Aunt Mel, are you trying to burp me? Sorry, I've got babies on the brain.
So what are you going to do with yourself now that you're home? Well, I'm going to show Juliet that she made a huge mistake for dumping me just because that guy had a Ducati motorcycle.
- She left you because he had a motorcycle - yeah.
How superficial is that? Ah, that's a pretty hot bike.
I'm sorry, go on.
Every day this douche rides his fancy motorcycle to his Internet start up where he keeps finding new ways to provide fresh water to starving children.
I mean, he's all like, "look at me, I'm 23.
I'm saving the world.
" So, out of all of that, what you got was she's leaving me because the guy has a motorcycle? Yeah, like, what is up with her priorities? Ryder, it's not about a motorcycle.
It's about a person having drive.
A life path.
A goal.
I do have a goal.
To show Juliet what she's missing.
Yeah, I'm sure you do pal, but you know what? I'm not hearing any plans so I'm gonna give you one.
You're going to do what your aunt Mel and I originally suggested that you do.
You're going to apply to college.
Joe, I can plan my own future, okay? I am an adult.
Is there not a single juice box in this entire house? Listen to me, in three weeks, the next semester at Toledo community college will begin.
All right and you're going to be majoring in this.
- Kung Pao chicken? - What? No.
Sorry, that's the wrong brochure.
I think what Joe is trying to say is that we just want you to come up with a plan for your life.
That makes you happy.
Right Joe? Nope.
What I'm saying is, unless you find an alternative plan in the next three weeks, I'm going to be putting you into Toledo community college, and you're going to be majoring in Geriatric massage.
Hey, man, old people need to be touched, too.
All right, new pregnancy strategy.
I see we're beyond saying hello.
No time, too excited.
We're going to try a new fertility method.
My friend Cheryl down in animal control swears by it, and she's got, like, nine kids.
That's great.
I don't think we need nine kids, but how do they do it? You save up all your little guys and then you let them all loose at the same time.
Oh, I like that.
All right, so we'll go every other night so I have a little time to stockpile? No, no, no, none of this "every other night" stuff.
No, we're waiting until my peak ovulation window, and then, ka-blooey! My uterus won't know what hit it.
Sounds good.
When's your peak ovulation window? Okay, well, according to my new app, Stork Tracker, - which was free by the way.
- So we know it works.
Given my last menstrual period and current basal temperature, we are looking at 10 days, four hours and 17 minutes from now.
Perfect! Hey, wait, just so I'm clear, you said "17 minutes" from now, right? No, 10 days from now.
What? 10 days? Honey, Longo can't go 10 days.
Longo's gonna have to.
Look, that means a week from Thursday at 8:20 P.
M.
That's when our next sex appointment is, okay? And no cheating! Because I need every single one of your little swimmers.
All right, can you handle that? - 10 days Fm now? - Can you do it, Joe? It's for the future, it's for the family.
It's for the Longo bloodline.
Now, when you put it that way? I am all in.
Starting in five minutes.
Get back here.
Hands where I can see them.
Really? You're making two sandwiches? No, what do you think I am, a pig? I'm only making one.
Wait.
Before Juliet went off with the Ducati guy, did she know you could make sandwiches like this? Clearly you don't understand what I am doing here.
No, Ryder, I don't.
Okay, you're supposed to be making a life plan.
Because if you don't, Joe is signing you up for classes in mortuary science.
I thought he said geriatric massage? Is there really a big difference? - Whoo! Yeah! - Hey.
So, how's it going? Good.
That was a really, really good run.
Better than my first two runs of the day.
I gotta tell you something, honey.
This whole abstinence thing is like a snap.
Aw, I am so proud of you.
Well, I am just going to go upstairs and take a shower.
You're going to go take a shower, are you? Okay.
So you'll be in the shower then? That'll be okay, good.
You'll be naked, obviously.
With the water kind of running over your So, you'll be lathering up certain parts I'm going for another run.
- Hey, what are you doing? - Unclogging the toilet.
Dressed all sexy like that? What are you thinking? You're killing me! Go! Go! Oh, don't shake it like that! Joe, can you butter my bagel? Yes, it's time.
Thank God! Let's do it.
- What are you talking about? - What do you mean what am I talking about? You just asked me to butter your bagel.
Since when is "butter my bagel" a euphemism? After nine days, everything is a euphemism.
Fine, I'll just butter my own bagel.
If you're good, I'll let you watch.
Such a tease.
Sex free is stress free.
Sex is an illusion.
Okay, tonight's the night.
You're sending your boys in.
Hallelujah! So Stork Tracker says I will be at peak ovulation in nine hours and six minutes.
That is so great! That is so great! And, hey, tonight's the night we also set out clocks forward an hour, too, right? Sorry, no.
But you wanna know what I'm gonna do to you tonight? No, no, no! Don't even look at me right now, all right? If I even catch a glimpse of your bare elbow it's like boom time! So, no kiss then? What are you thinking? Get out of here! Hey, I was just thinking about you and how your peak ovulation is in 22 minutes and you should be on the way home, right? And I checked traffic, traffic is moving great.
So, you should be home soon, right? Um, bad news.
I'm stuck at the office.
I got called in to an emergency budget negotiation.
- Oh no.
How long is that gonna take? - I have no idea.
Honey, listen, I'm just gonna say this once.
If you don't get home soon, there's a very good chance our first child is going look just like the vacuum cleaner.
Yes, the red light cameras bring a lot of money to the city, but they also go off randomly.
- It's not fair.
- I think the glitches are exaggerated.
Really? Because somewhere out there is a raccoon that owes the city $4,000.
Well, the revenue's got to come from some place.
You got any ideas? Yeah.
As a matter of fact, I have a little proposal.
Wyatt, could you make a copies of this? You got it, chief.
And make them double sided, because I care about the city.
- Hey there.
- Joe, what are you doing here? Well, I know you guys were all working late so I brought everybody a little food.
- Aw, that is so thoughtful.
- Yeah, none for you.
What are you doing? Well, tonight I know you're at your peak fertility.
And, honey, I think I'm at my peak fertility.
I can't just leave in the middle of negotiations for an hour.
Oh, trust me babe.
This is not going to take an hour.
I gotta tell you something, sweety.
This has been the longest 10 days of my life.
You know, I never dreamed we'd conceive our child in a central supply closet.
I found the toner! I just needed toner.
I'll get out of your way now so you can do whatever you were doing.
I don't judge.
Whoo! Okay.
- No, I can't do this.
- Why not? He's out there listening.
I know he's out there listening.
Are you kidding? What kind of freak would be outside the door listening? Hello.
We're gonna find some other place.
So, let me guess.
Endlessly playing video games is the life plan you came up with? Oh, no.
My plan is complete.
I'm just rewarding myself for a job well done.
Admit it, Ryder.
You have no life plan at all.
Oh yeah? Then what do you call this? A toilet paper roll.
Upon which, my plan is written.
Now, listen up.
I wouldn't sit there.
Operation show Juliet.
First, I'm going to win a Nobel prize.
I can't believe I ever doubted you.
I'm going to cross a flying squirrel with a Jaguar and create the world's cutest slash deadliest animal.
That's how you're going to win a Nobel prize? Come on, a flying Jaguar? Once America has that, no one will mess with us.
It will be the end of war.
That's what you're going to tell Joe? You know, after three weeks, he's going to be expecting a better plan than a flying Jagu-irrel! Okay, clearly you're not getting this.
I'm gonna draw it so you can visualize.
What I'm visualizing is you living under an overpass.
Because that's exactly where you're going to be when Joe kicks you out.
You know, if you're going to be so negative all the time, I'm not letting you in on the Kickstarter.
Ryder, Ryder, listen to me.
If you keep living like this, no girl will ever want to touch you again.
What do you mean by that? I mean, no girl will ever want to touch you again.
Ever.
Okay, you need a plan.
A real plan.
Even if it's not for Juliet, it should be for you.
Find something that matters to you.
A goal.
What should I do? Anything.
You know, start small.
Like, get your job back at the laser tag place.
Oh yeah, like I could ever make a crazy plan like that come true.
There's an old saying A journey of a thousand steps starts with you taking off that filthy robe.
You know what? I can do that.
Yeah.
I'm even gonna put on pants.
Oh, Ryder, you're not wearing any underwear.
Well that changes today.
You know, being in the backseat of my car makes me feel like I'm 16 again.
- What? - I mean 18.
- Mel, less talking, more getting pregnant.
- Okay.
Ooh, somebody brought toys.
No, honey, I think that's your phone vibrating.
Oh, it's city council asking where I am.
B-R-B.
Now, let's go! We ain't got all day! Get up here, get up here.
What the It's a cop! Oh my God, can he come back in five minutes? Well, well, well.
I thought all you high-priced call girls worked the Marquis Grand Downtown.
High-priced? Thank you, but I'm not a prostitute.
I'm councilwoman, Mel Burke.
Oh! Sorry about that, councilwoman Burke.
And this is my husband.
How you doing there officer? Sorry, this will never happen ever again! Yeah, it's just that we've been trying for months and months to get pregnant and - I don't expect you to understand.
- Let me guess.
- Tonight's your peak fertility? - Yes, exactly! Now, do you have your thermometer? Because the optimal uterine temperature is 99.
6.
What kind of cop are you? My wife and I went through the same thing.
You know Cheryl, down in animal control.
Yes! This is her method.
Well, listen, you folks obviously have some business to get to.
I'm going to run some traffic control so no one disturbs you.
Oh, and, good luck! All right, let's go! Let's go! Oh, I see.
I see.
So, you can't get in on the nice private supply closet but with the cop standing right there, you're good to go! I have to work with those people.
But this is kinda hot.
Ah, what the hell.
We'll have a nice story to tell our kids.
Nothing to see here, people, move along! Oh, that really gets me going.
I'm so nervous, I need a glass of wine.
No, no, no, no wine for you.
You might be pregnant.
Why hasn't science found a workaround for that? Hey, look, whatever happens tonight we had fun trying, okay? Right.
Yeah, I mean, if it's not this time it's not the end of the world.
Right, hey, at least I can have that glass of wine.
There you go, that's the spirit.
Hey, you guys busy? I got big news.
We might have some big news too, but we got 13 seconds to kill, so you first.
Okay, I've finally decided what I want to do with my life.
No, he hasn't! Yes, I have.
You guys are going to be so happy.
Oh, that's great! I can't wait to hear the plan man.
I'm going to join the Navy.
So, what's your news?