Miami Vice s04e12 Episode Script
The Cows of October
[Mooing.]
[Airplane Passes Overhead.]
- Anybody got anything yet? - Nada.
[Bleating.]
Not even a mouse.
Look who's joined the party, boys.
Come on, baby.
That's it.
There you go.
Good girl.
She made the drop, boys.
Go pick her up, but wait until she's a couple of blocks away.
How long are we gonna wait for this guy? We won't wait long.
Roxy's not about to let 20 keys of blow stay in that trunk much past dawn.
[Mooing.]
[Mooing Continues.]
The hell is goin' on here? I'll go check it out.
Cowboy Bob's knocked out cold.
What is this? I don't know, but it's sure not Roxy.
- [Horn Honking.]
- [Mooing.]
Oh, no, but that is.
Hello, officers.
Lovely night for a cattle drive, don't you think? - [Laughing.]
- Oh, I do not believe this! I wanna know who this guy is, and who let him in here! Hey, so we're blown.
We been blown before.
- Hey, what's this? - It's a bomb! Everybody split! Interesting bomb.
One of my lab techs thought it might be some new form of liquid plastique, so he ran it through a scanner.
And? You can see them swimming, if you'd like.
May I? Uh-huh.
You know, this stuff could cause quite an explosion I knew it.
In the cow population.
What is it? Bull semen.
Bull semen? Bull semen Bull sperm? Uh-huh.
[Man.]
There it is.
There it is.
That's my tank.
That's my [Knocking.]
Hey, Buckwheat, let me in, man! Let Let You're supposed to be in the hospital.
Will you tell these guys it's all right? Guys, it's all right.
It's defrosted! Now, what kind of people would let frozen bull semen thaw? - Must be our warm hearts.
- Man, I come in from Texas with two tanks of Gargantua's semen to ship to my partner in Belize.
One gets stolen and the other gets ruined defrosted by the cops! Gargantua? Yeah.
I named him for his, uh, equipment.
Thousand units a tank hundred bucks a unit, easy.
A hundred grand for bull sperm? Yeahl What am I doin'? I'm just mindin' my own business, sleepin' in my truck by the Agriculture Department export place.
And, uh, lucky us we were right next door, huh? [Scoffs.]
I get bushwhacked! Boy, I tell you what.
Texas Rangers never would've let them little bitty sperms out of the corral.
That's for dang sure! This is Agent, uh, Timothy Anderson from Washington, here to let us know what happened last night.
- Great, another expert.
- It's imperative that we locate this husbandry material.
"Husbandry material"? Yeah, we gotta bring in every unmarried Holstein in Dade County.
Now, the department is extremely interested in the recovery of the bull semen.
Unborn cattle rustlin', Lieutenant? Government needs a local liaison.
Well, uh, what are we supposed to do, question happy cows with that, uh, sexual afterglow? [All Snickering, Giggling.]
For your information, most cows don't enjoy it.
That's why they have such sad eyes.
[Laughing.]
[Mooing.]
Now, milk from one of these animals is the most complete food in the world.
Four-legged miracles, these animals.
I was, uh, explaining to Mr.
Cooper this morning true beasts of beauty.
Uh, you know, one of the first things you boys gonna have to learn is how to pick up on animal disease.
You gotta look for the glaze in the animal's eye.
That That can mean, uh, a fever.
You gotta check for warts, abscesses, ringworm.
You got to be cautious with pus and fungus.
- You don't wanna contaminate yourself.
- [Exhales.]
These, uh, animals also sometimes have gut infections, and watch out for loose bowels diarrhea.
ThatThat could be a sign of some infestation.
- Sounds great.
- Yeah, wellPacol Come here and show these two how to check out a cow for pregnancy.
[Moos.]
Gina, absolutely, positively overnight.
What do you got there family photo? It's Gargantua.
It's Calvin's bull.
You wanna see it? I've seen Calvin's bull.
Hey, man, this is the finest bull I ever had.
Key to my whole operation.
Well, they only lost one tank.
Why don't you just go on back there and get a fresh supply? He's dead.
Natural causes? Oh, he was servicin' a heifer, and he stepped in a hole, broke his leg.
Oh.
I had to sell him for slaughter.
You mean, he was He died for love.
Oh.
Five dollars for a bullwhip.
Hey, kids, you gonna buy those whips? Are you gonna buy those? Do you have five dollars for tho Don't finger the Wait.
Get aw Get away from there with those snow cones! Don't be comin' around here! Manny! Polaroid! Would you please hold this whip in a possibly suggestive position? Have a little fun with it, eh? Uh, reintroduce playtime in the bedroom, eh? Yes.
This is Rojas.
So you think that feller knows somethin' about my stolen tank? Izzy's got his finger on the pulse of the underworld.
I have located the Texan and established surveillance.
Very nice! Is she nice? I'll take that, Manny.
Thank you very much.
Come on down here.
I talk to you a little bit.
I'm doing a remake of Red River with the original dialogue intact Look at this guy, will ya? Who's he supposed to be, Randolph Scott? Howard Hawks didn't want to have the Duke die, but that's how it goes.
It's going to be low budget, but, uh, if we gave you [Switek Shouts.]
Hey, Buffalo Billl Give your name and number to Manny here, and we'll get in touch with you, huh? Manny, get her name and her number, eh? Caballeros, got my work permit here somewhere, eh? I got my peddler's license renewed this year.
I can get you a special rate on these for the police force.
You got a line on any bull semen thieves? You got a line on 50 bucks? No, I'm only kidding.
- I got your man.
- You do? Oh, yes.
I know some very heavy cattle breeders who know this guy and say that he's getting into artificial "insubordination"? I want you to go and tell him you got an offer from an interested buyer.
Sorry, but I'm gonna be busy the rest of the afternoon.
Well, then, maybe a certain parole officer would, uh, like to find out where his girlfriend spends her Friday nights.
Got a quarter? He's no good for her.
No.
You got a quarter? - I just tried to give back her self-esteem! - Yeah, I got a quarter.
Okay, all right, all right! I'll make a phone call for you.
Here's a quarter.
I have my own quarter.
Guy's a nut.
- [Moreno.]
Listen, Paco, it's like I tell you on the phone.
- You sure he's cool? He's cool.
He's a stand-up guy, here.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
You're gonna walk away with your down payment.
They have arrived.
Okay.
That's the signal, yes? Come on, come on, compadre.
Howdy, pardners.
You're busted! - [Anderson On Bullhorn.]
In the name of the - [Water Splashing.]
In the name of the United States government, I place you under arrest.
Put the tank on the ground.
Lay your hands against the truck.
Uh, put your hands in the air! [Gunfire.]
[Trudy.]
Who's shootin'? Shots came from over there.
[Gunfire Continues.]
[Police Radio, Indistinct.]
Who started shooting? There was not supposed to be any shooting here! What are the feds doing here? Anderson, you can call the A-team out.
It's all over now.
General all clear.
The tank? Looks like our friend Paco was cowed by all the noise and split.
What is it with this stuff? You're not cleared to know that.
"Not cleared"? Hey, uh, Anderson, looks like you're an uncle.
Montecristo.
It's that Cuban pig Rojas.
Cuban intelligence? Now, what could Cuban intelligence possibly be interested in here, huh? [Anderson Sighs.]
Miniature cows.
[Snickering.]
[All Laughing.]
[Laughing.]
Miniature cows.
This gets better and better.
[Laughing Continues.]
Okay, this is a picture of Gargantua.
Oh, this has gotta be a gag, Anderson.
[Guffaws.]
I didn't know cows came that small.
- [Giggles, Laughs.]
- Yes, they do, Detective.
They do.
And the U.
S.
Of A.
Plans to be in the forefront of bovine miniaturization.
[Laughing Resumes.]
In India, high-yield rice, impervious to nuclear fallout.
Bat guano power plants in Guatemala.
Herring farms in the Dead Sea.
The way to people's hearts and minds is through their stomachs.
[Trudy Chuckles.]
Mao Tse-tung.
[Chuckles.]
Well, it's a sentiment that Cuban intelligence seems to share, believe me.
Senor Rojas and I have locked horns from Trinidad Yeah, speakin' of horns, uh, when you gonna get off the red herring and onto the bull business, huh? Eyes only.
[Trudy Sighs.]
Oh, God.
Up to now, the dairy protein needs in the Third World have been met, if at all, in powdered form.
In times of drought, the results have been tragic.
What you're seeing is the answer.
Little bossies and their tiny teats? What do they put out, evaporated milk? Try two-thirds the production of a full-size cow on one-tenth the acreage.
The perfect low-cost animal.
So when did Rojas find out about Cowboy Calvin's big secret? Lesson number one, Detective: In the intelligence community, there are no secrets, except the secrets that keep themselves.
[Clears Throat.]
Okay.
[Clears Throat.]
[Clears Throat.]
[Calvin.]
Goldurn it, Stanley.
I wish them cloak-and-dagger boys'd butt the hell outta this.
Why, are you afraid all that international goodwill is gonna bankrupt you at the sperm bank? Goodwill? Stanley, there's some serious long green to be made off of them little cows of mine.
- How serious? - Do you know how many sperms can swim around on the head of a pin? - I never looked.
- Millions, millions.
So just think of how many potential cows is in that tank, see.
I mean, that's at least one cow for every family in the entire teemin' underdeveloped world.
Unreal.
Yeah.
Why, even at a buck a cow, that's - A lot of moola.
- [Whistles.]
[Calvin.]
You know, it's not that I don't have every confidence in the local law enforcement.
It's just that I wouldn't be gettin' up on the off side.
Uh, it's just that I thought and Stan here agrees with me that you're the man to head up this posse.
Well, I just started casting Red River, Part Two, but I can always check my calendar.
He's incredibly busy.
Uh-huh.
Well, if you wasn't busy, how would you go about contacting this, uh, Paco, uh Hermosa? Hermosa.
Uh-huh.
Well, probably in the role of a neo-crypto Uh, wh-whoa, whoa, whoa bagman.
Whoa.
Seventy-five, Call that 86,500.
All right.
Now you tell Mr.
Hermosa, no questions asked.
[Exhales.]
We are totally simpático, my friend.
I guarantee that I can get your, uh [Chuckles.]
Vital fluids returned to your personage faster than you can say "Lash La Rue.
" You know, I knew you was a range rider minute I laid eyes on you.
Hey, didn't I say that about him, Stan? - I got one question.
- Well, what's that? "What's in it for me?"Right, Iz? What's in it for me? Think 86,500 will get it, Stan? Ah, more than enough if Hermosa's as low-rent as Izzy is.
Course, 86,500 Well, that's kind of What? Well, it's an odd number.
Odd number? Yeah.
Look, you're, uh, obviously a bright guy, but, uh, in the big city I'm just a big hick.
No.
Oh, yes, I am, damn it.
Now, just go on and speak your piece, man.
Well, we work with these fast operators all the time, and one thing you recognize round numbers.
Round numbers? Yeah.
I mean, you never see a guy, uh, offer a bribe, say, $72 and change.
It's always a hundred bucks, Or a hundred thousand.
Oh, but see Yeah, Stan, I mean, all I got on me is 90 grand, 'cause, you know, l I didn't expect to get rolled in some strange city.
I didn't prepare for it, or Yeah, well I've got some savings I was gonna put into mutual funds, but with the market so crazy and all Yeah.
I'd be proud to invest in the future of a better world.
No, no, I couldn't I couldn't let you do that, see, 'cause, uh Well, l-I'd have to insist on one condition.
What's that? And that's that your contribution entitles you to two per f-five five-percent ownership in Teal Enterprises, 'cause, see, l-I'd just as soon that you got somethin' for your money, instead of just lettin' me have it, you know.
And-And besides, if you're gonna be standin' behind me as an investor, then I'd be honored if you was my partner too.
It's a deal.
[Chuckles.]
[Laughs.]
Good deal! How about Izzy's house, huh? Boy, that place is a dump.
Man, I ain't lyin'.
[Moreno.]
Entrez-vous, Agent Anderson.
Well, you're a tough little puppy to keep in the crosshairs, Isadore.
I don't let the johnsongrass grow under my feet.
Everything here is perfectly legit.
Well, good for you.
Guess that means you're ready to help the right side, huh? [Chuckles.]
I salute the flag on your lapel, Agent Anderson, but, uh But what? But, uh, I'm already engaged.
Well, I have some friends in the I.
N.
S.
That, uh, gave me some information that may help disengage you.
Seems your immigration status is a little precarious.
Ingrid and I had a very special relationship.
She taught me how to use the bullwhip.
It's a tragic coincidence that we were divorced right after I got my green card.
Well, I've got two outstanding warrants in Puerto Rico, one in Guantánamo Where have I heard this before? Okay.
All right, all right.
I will help you.
I'll tell you right now, Hermosa knows how valuable that tank is.
Hermosa? Sí.
- You mean, Rojas doesn't have that tank? - No, Paco Hermosa.
And he's not gonna take a dime less than [Hesitantly.]
uh, dollars.
Uh, we could raise that.
It'd be wrong, but No, no, 200,000 that's well within the purview of my authorization.
[Phone Buzzing.]
All right.
It might be more, though.
I can't tell.
Red River Productions.
Sí, this is he.
This is Rojas.
I have just "receive" a fax from Havana.
It seems you still have many outstanding warrants.
Shall I read them aloud to you? Oh, no-no-no, that's okay, uh, Comrade Rojas.
I see.
You are interested in the amazing bull product.
Well, I don't know.
We are a nation of - card sharks? - ?Qué? Give me the whole thing.
Play along.
Uh, yes, I'll see what I can do, but it's going to cost you [Door Opens, Closes.]
Something in the neighborhood of two hundred and fifty nine thousand dollars.
[Door Opens.]
Oh, yes.
Yes, well, there are many pros and cons.
[Door Closes.]
[Chuckles.]
Yes, especially the cons.
Uh, un momento.
He wants to make the deal today.
Yes! Yes, we can do that for you today.
I will meet you alone.
Yes.
You have my word.
You and Comrade Rojas and one billion unborn cows.
Compact mini-cows? Limousine-size cows for our commie creep.
[Speaking Spanish.]
[Spanish.]
[Spanish.]
All right, fine, fine.
Okay.
It's a beautiful winged, uh, sloop you got here, eh? I can't believe it.
Sixteen boats in an hour? Fifteen.
He checked one twice.
[Spanish.]
Rojas? [Gasps.]
[Spanish.]
[Both Speaking Spanish.]
I do not see any money here.
[Spanish.]
Don't fool around [Gunshot.]
- [Switek.]
What the hell's goin' on? - [Spanish.]
[Moreno.]
No.
This is mine.
This is mine.
[Horn Honking.]
- What the hell are you doin'? - Hey! Nice goin', Mr.
Covert Operation.
Obviously you two have a little to learn about the chess-like interaction of international intrigue.
Yeah, like what? Like the fact that our side just won a major battle in the cold war of animal husbandry.
Mr.
Rojas just bought himself a load of our deluxe oversized cud chewers.
[Scoffs.]
You're welcome.
Who is this guy? Here's gratitude for ya.
[Sighs.]
[Moreno.]
I told you already.
Anderson tried to pull a big con on you! The tank is bogus! I was just the bagman! Let me down, please! [Panting.]
Hey! Why don't you tell me who you're really working for? L I can see there's [Chuckles.]
No Eastern Bloc translation for the kind of free market entrepreneurialism I'm getting dizzy.
Oh, so you are a capitalist pig who'll do anything for money.
Uh, no it's more of a a informational processing of a very distinctly sought-after talent in this most inhospitable world.
Where did you go? Aaah! Surely not as inhospitable as La Cabana.
La Cabana? La Cabana, no.
Uh, that'sThat's not me.
You're You're thinking of somebody else, I think, and it's not me.
It's really not me.
I mean, I've heard of La Cabana, but I've never spent any time Ow! Does she work out with weights or something? Isadore Francisco Moreno crimes against the revolución.
Define la revolución.
[Spanish.]
[Spanish.]
[Spanish.]
Either way, I go home with the spoils of capitalism.
You or the mini-cows.
Maybe I'll take both.
So, who has my tank? [Spits.]
Now [Shouting.]
Actually, it's some guy named Paco, actually works for the U.
S.
D.
A.
, okay? Huh? Oh, so U.
S.
Agents? No-no-no-no, he's just a opportunistic capitalistic, you know, sibling, actually.
Uh, you know, he's just He's trying to make [Cries Out.]
M- make an name for hisself.
He's, uh He's already entertaining an offer from that overgrown Texas boot stomp, that sodbuster, who has made a bid for the tank of two hundred and fifty-nine thousand dollars.
[Spits, Coughs.]
So, you are, of course, to outbid him.
This briefcase is bugged and rigged to detonate on my command.
Uh So as to protect you from your socially inbred tendencies of greed.
[Chuckles.]
Any deviation from my instructions, and, uh [Chuckles.]
We will be forced to abort you and your mission.
[Sighs.]
[Grunts.]
Any chance of this going off by mistake? [Groans.]
[Trudy.]
We're gonna need Case 22.
[Gina.]
It's on my desk.
Ladies.
Oh, hi, Calvin.
Hi.
They told me these was the last two in the entire state of Florida.
[Giggles.]
That's nice.
Thank you.
[Gina.]
Why, thank you, Calvin.
Well, you're welcome.
Kind of hard to come by 'em, uh, so far from Texas.
Oh.
[Gina.]
That's sweet.
[Calvin.]
Well, it It seemed like the least I could do after the time we had last night.
[Gina Chuckles.]
You check out Romeo back here? Ancient pangs of, uh, jealousy surfacing, partner? Get out of here.
This guy's puttin' on a road show.
[Gina, Calvin Chattering.]
Yeah, well I think he's already closed the sale on Gina.
[Gina Laughing.]
Eight-to-five she sees right through him.
[Laughing Continues.]
You sure you wanna make that bet? Maybe you guys could take some notes here? [Calvin Chattering.]
Kind of nice color on you.
[Both Laugh.]
[Gina.]
Thanks.
How about we just pull his file? Come on.
Come on.
[Rattling.]
[Lock Clicks.]
[Moreno Grunts.]
Come on.
Come on.
[Phone Beeping.]
[Cries Out, Panting.]
Yes? Paco.
[Spanish.]
Hold on.
[Panting.]
[Laughing.]
[Laughing On Headphones.]
[Speaking Spanish.]
What is it? I don't know.
He's breaking up.
Paco.
Hey.
Yeah, listen, the Cubans have come up with a better offer.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's about, uh uh, three, uh [Coughing.]
It's about, uh, two hundred and seventy-five, uh, thousand.
Yeah.
Izzy just cut a deal for Rojas to sell the tank for 275,000.
All these people prosperin' off of my hard work.
[Static, Indistinct Chattering.]
[Moreno's Voice.]
Yeah.
It's gonna be at the trestle today, near near the Albondigas Bridge.
And, listen, bring that bull gizmo.
[Spanish.]
Close encounters of the weird kind.
[Switch Clicking.]
[Coughs.]
[Engine Starts.]
I can't believe it.
Of all the people in the world to be entrusted with the forefront of bovine miniaturization.
Psst, Izzy! Who's there? It's me, man! [Exhales.]
Who are all these light freaks? I don't know, man.
You got the money? Yeah.
It's in here.
Be careful of the blinking red light.
That'll be your cue.
You got the stuff? Yeah.
It's right here.
Run! [Grunting.]
Let me see.
Let me see.
Come on.
That tank's gotta make it back to the ranch.
You really care for this, don't you? No.
No.
I just hate see a good ol' boy get the shaft, that's all.
Not so fast, my capitalist friend.
Hey, what we need here is a SALT-like détente nuclear disarmament! No way! Those miniature cows belong in the free world! Why does Anderson always show up at my drops, huh? I should be Martinized for trying to prevent W.
W.
Ill.
Get up, bonehead, before we Martinize you right into the ground! Where's the money, Izzy? [Gasps.]
Rojas is going to kill me! He'll think I double-crossed him! YouYou gotta help me get into a federal protection program! Let me shoot him, okay? Huh? Can I shoot him? I got a round in here.
Sure, I do.
Bunco Division, Los Angeles.
Bunco Division, Denver.
Land Fraud Division, State of Louisiana.
Who's that? Cowboy Cal, a.
k.
a.
Chuck Teasdale, Clyde T.
Rose, Calvin Tuttle.
[Coffee Cup Shatters.]
Calvin? Yeah.
Sorry, Gina.
That miserable 10-gallon rat.
Well, if it's any consolation to you, he took a couple of investment bankers for about 100 grand in, uh, phony mutual funds couple of years ago.
Got off on a technicality.
Hundred grand.
Nice round number.
[Knocking.]
Who is it? It's Calvin.
Calvin.
Yes.
The key is under the mat.
Hey, man, pay attention.
I'm gonna show you how to get rich.
My immediate sense of distrust is temporarily overcome by the need for finances to blow town.
May the, uh, wind always be at your back.
For a hundred years.
[Gasps.]
- Lookit here.
[Chuckles.]
- No! No.
Any more alleged perpetrations and I lose all semblance of"credibleness.
" Well, hey, relax, man.
All them other tanks was fake.
Now this here is the real enchilada.
I mean, you're lookin' at 400 tiny thunderin' hooves.
Hey, you didn't think I was really gonna part with the genuine bull sauce.
Did ya? [Gasps.]
Mr.
Teal, you are a credit to the free-enterprising vertebrates of this planet.
[Grunts.]
Well, you're damn right I am! So, as I see it, we got a perfect opportunity to employ your God-given talent.
Eh, the telephone is my instrument.
I was born to play it, just like Mozart was born to play the piano, BoJackson was born to play baseball.
Well Mmm.
Mr.
Charlie [Phone Beeping.]
Drives a lot of ballplayers [Spanish.]
[Chuckles.]
[Ringing.]
Hello, this is [Ringing Continues.]
This is Anderson.
Ah, yes.
By a strange, circuitous route, the actual bull semen has found its way into my possession, and I wanted to give you first dibs.
We are, uh, opening the bidding at, say, um, half million.
Moreno, is that you? Listen, you Cuban cockroach.
If you've got the genuine tank [Phone Beeping.]
Fork it over now, before the entire resources [Ringing.]
Uh, could you please hold? Rojas.
[Spanish.]
Trading in mini-cow futures is open again, and I'm entertaining a bid from Agent Anderson of the federales for five and a half points U.
S.
[Spanish.]
Marielito trash, how dare you negotiate with the People's Republic de Cuba? Uh, fish or cut bait.
I got Washington on the other line.
So, how do you open, uh, Andy? [Anderson.]
Why should I believe anything a fruit fly like you has to say? 'Cause he's got the tank, that's why.
And if you don't start addin' on zeros real fast, them baby bulls gonna be mooing en Espanol.
Okay, okay.
I'll go 550.
But I want Moreno's skin hanging from the wall of the Earl Butz Conference Room when it's over.
Yeah, yeah.
Which reminds me, amigo Ten percent.
Thirty.
Twenty.
Done.
You're at 550,000.
Please hold.
- Did you get that? - What I get is 300,000 of my Cuban money! And for every additional dollar, it will be one pound of your flesh! [Spanish.]
I see.
Well, I cannot let personal endangerment conflict with Keynesian "economicals.
" Going once.
Going twice.
Ah, Cuba six.
Gringos five-point-five.
The top of the eighth Seven.
Conference 'em.
[Anderson.]
Moreno.
Los Cubanos, the number on the table is seven repítelo, seven.
- Eight! - Nine! [Rojas.]
One million U.
S.
Dollars! - [Grunts.]
- [Inhales.]
Senor Anderson, bottom of the ninth.
We are waiting.
Listen, we took a big budget hit this year.
We, uh [Clears Throat.]
- We're not prepared to go that high.
- [Both Grunt.]
So, the capitalist running dogs fade in the stretch.
Selling these bulls to the Communists is it-it It's downright non-American.
Aw, listen, federal breath.
If you can sell cola to the ChiComs, I can sure sell cows to Castro.
- Adiós! - Hello? [Dial Tone.]
Hello! [Groans.]
Hey, congratulations there, Senor Rojas.
You just got yourself a full quart of half-pint, short-horned studs.
Now, I want that money delivered in unmarked, unused, "unconsecutive" 50s and 100s dropped off to my little buddy, who's gonna be boatin' along the Miami River sometime tween noon and 6:00 today.
- You got that? - [Spanish.]
[Rojas.]
But don't cross me.
[Both Chuckling.]
No way, Jose.
[Slams Down Handset.]
Muy bien.
Yeah.
[Satisfied Chuckle.]
Moreno, give me the damn tank.
No! Rojas will kill me! What Rojas doesn't know won't hurt him.
Let's go.
Uh? Thank you.
- Gimme the other tank! - Merry Christmas.
Gracias.
[Tires Screeching.]
[Laughs.]
Not bugged and rigged, is it? [Laughs.]
[Gasps.]
[Spanish.]
[Grunts.]
Yes.
Ah, good.
Have a nice flight back to Cuba, okay? Just give me a push off there, all right, and I'll be all right.
[Toilet Flushes.]
Like clockwork.
Sí.
Clockwork de naranja.
Uh, listen, I'm a little "paratory" of Rojas, so if I could just get my 20% out [Coughs.]
Take it with me, and withdraw to sunny climes - The fast money always fades first.
- Oh, yes.
Well, it's too bad, 'cause I was plannin'on introducin'you to some permanent wealth.
Permanent wealth, huh? What do you mean, the "M" word or the "B" word? I mean so much money your children's children couldn't even spend the interest.
- What's that? - These are signed contracts with the Saudis for 20 tanks of bull semen.
Man, do you know how much them A-rabs crave milk? I mean, this paper alone's worth a billion, five.
And, uh, I been gettin' inquiries from all over the entire Islamic world.
Now, I was plannin' on cuttin' you in for 10% off the top, but, uh But, uh But what? Well, see, high finance is a game for men with a certain kind of confident view of life, and-and and you got all you can do to hang onto your little bitty green card.
Well, hey, you know, I understand that.
I mean, go on.
Take your 200,000 and scoot.
Course, uh, by the time I deliver on that paper, I'm gonna be droppin' 200K on tips.
[Laughs.]
[Laughs.]
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, now.
If you are really serious about bringing milk to the desert - I am.
- I wouldn't mind getting in on the ground floor of some of this honey.
You're sure? "Start the ball, Tector.
" Now that's what I call takin' the long view, Moreno.
[Chuckles.]
Now, I want you to hang onto these, okay? Now, you put 'em in a safe place and keep 'em there, and, uh See, I got a 7:00 p.
m.
Flight to Dubai I gotta catch.
I'm gonna cable you from there, okay? Okay.
Yeah, I'll keep these in a safe place.
Let me ride down with you, huh? That's okay.
I'll be right in front of you, buddy.
You take care now.
Okay, wait a second.
- Hold the elevator for me, will you? - I'll tell the doorman you're on your way.
Sonny.
Well, yeah.
Come on in, man.
Come on in.
You want some champagne? Hey-Hey, Izzy.
Give Give the man some, uh, champagne.
[Sighs.]
What tipped ya? This.
Yeah.
You know, I started lookin' at this picture.
There were a few things in here that bothered me.
So I sent it over to Photo Analysis and had them take a look at it.
It's a It's a composite.
See, the, uh the shadow [Sighs.]
From his leg here is from a picture taken at 12:00 noon.
And the shadow on the bull here is from a picture taken after 5:00.
Very nice.
And Paco Hermosa [Sighs.]
Has been workin' for you from the beginning.
[Calvin.]
Man, you are good.
I swear, man, you are real good.
Be a cold day in July before someone put one over on you.
[Chuckles.]
Look, l I'm gonna take a wild stab here at an explanation.
You You can just tell me how it fits.
Now, what's in that briefcase there belongs to me and Izzy.
- [Spanish.]
- Shut up.
'Cause, I mean, we sold that bull sperm to the Cubans, and they paid us for it coin of the realm, fair and square.
AndAnd what's in that briefcase there, well It It's ours.
Geopolitics ain't really my thing, cowboy.
However, I am a little put off about, uh, the way you tried to burn my friends.
Well, I am sorely ashamed of that.
So I suggest you come up with a real good reason why I shouldn't haul your ashes into stir right now.
Uh-Uh, well, okay.
Now, you know that tank of mine [Chuckles.]
That wasn't real stuff.
Well, Sonny, there never was no real stuff.
No.
There's only about 19 of them little suckers.
They're off on some ranch in Mexico somewhere, and But, see, Sonny, I never did break a single law.
Now the Cubans paid for somethin' that they perceived as valuable.
It was Anderson switched the tanks.
I held up my end.
You got the money.
Ain't no harm been done, 'cept 'cept the, uh, harm that Rojas gonna do me, once he finds out that, uh that he's been hosed.
So, Sonny, I am askin' you, as a Southerner and as a gentleman, to let my behind go.
[Laughing.]
You really think I ought to let you just stroll out of here? Uh, well I'd be obliged.
Uh-uh.
The money stays.
You're not gonna regret this, Sonny.
This is a true act of Christian charity.
Ciao, y'all.
Tell Stan and Gina I'm gonna make it right with them just as soon as I get back on my feet.
[Door Opens.]
Where the hell do you think you're goin', Hud? [Door Closes.]
[Spanish.]
[Spanish.]
You know what we got in there, don't you? Letters of transit It's time to get out of Casablanca, man.
[Snickers.]
This ain't the beginning of a beautiful friendship, Iz.
When I hit it big it's gonna because I picked the right six numbers in the lottery, not because I formed a joint venture with some "Castroid" reject fleece artist.
I'm beginning to smell wages on you, partner.
[Sighs.]
Yeah, well, this is gonna go to the fallen policeman's fund.
Look, let me just say good-bye to the boys.
You know, Franklin and Grant and all the others.
I mean, l I think I really got to know them well in the short time that we were together.
- Please.
- [Locks Snapping.]
What time does his plane leave? [Australian Accent.]
Now, of course in Alice Springs, we don't yet have the pressing need for the mini-cows, 'cause we still got a lot of space.
But, you lot, when you take over in Hong Kong in another few years, why, uh, I reckon you gotta utilize all the space you got.
So, let's start the pilot project now, and then, uhThank you in another few years, you'll have a little herd of cows on every rooftop in Kowloon.
Now, uh, have a look at that little bugger, eh? He's no bigger than a wallaby.
You know, we're developing the dwarf clover, so that you'll be able to feed 'im right out of your window box.
[Airplane Passes Overhead.]
- Anybody got anything yet? - Nada.
[Bleating.]
Not even a mouse.
Look who's joined the party, boys.
Come on, baby.
That's it.
There you go.
Good girl.
She made the drop, boys.
Go pick her up, but wait until she's a couple of blocks away.
How long are we gonna wait for this guy? We won't wait long.
Roxy's not about to let 20 keys of blow stay in that trunk much past dawn.
[Mooing.]
[Mooing Continues.]
The hell is goin' on here? I'll go check it out.
Cowboy Bob's knocked out cold.
What is this? I don't know, but it's sure not Roxy.
- [Horn Honking.]
- [Mooing.]
Oh, no, but that is.
Hello, officers.
Lovely night for a cattle drive, don't you think? - [Laughing.]
- Oh, I do not believe this! I wanna know who this guy is, and who let him in here! Hey, so we're blown.
We been blown before.
- Hey, what's this? - It's a bomb! Everybody split! Interesting bomb.
One of my lab techs thought it might be some new form of liquid plastique, so he ran it through a scanner.
And? You can see them swimming, if you'd like.
May I? Uh-huh.
You know, this stuff could cause quite an explosion I knew it.
In the cow population.
What is it? Bull semen.
Bull semen? Bull semen Bull sperm? Uh-huh.
[Man.]
There it is.
There it is.
That's my tank.
That's my [Knocking.]
Hey, Buckwheat, let me in, man! Let Let You're supposed to be in the hospital.
Will you tell these guys it's all right? Guys, it's all right.
It's defrosted! Now, what kind of people would let frozen bull semen thaw? - Must be our warm hearts.
- Man, I come in from Texas with two tanks of Gargantua's semen to ship to my partner in Belize.
One gets stolen and the other gets ruined defrosted by the cops! Gargantua? Yeah.
I named him for his, uh, equipment.
Thousand units a tank hundred bucks a unit, easy.
A hundred grand for bull sperm? Yeahl What am I doin'? I'm just mindin' my own business, sleepin' in my truck by the Agriculture Department export place.
And, uh, lucky us we were right next door, huh? [Scoffs.]
I get bushwhacked! Boy, I tell you what.
Texas Rangers never would've let them little bitty sperms out of the corral.
That's for dang sure! This is Agent, uh, Timothy Anderson from Washington, here to let us know what happened last night.
- Great, another expert.
- It's imperative that we locate this husbandry material.
"Husbandry material"? Yeah, we gotta bring in every unmarried Holstein in Dade County.
Now, the department is extremely interested in the recovery of the bull semen.
Unborn cattle rustlin', Lieutenant? Government needs a local liaison.
Well, uh, what are we supposed to do, question happy cows with that, uh, sexual afterglow? [All Snickering, Giggling.]
For your information, most cows don't enjoy it.
That's why they have such sad eyes.
[Laughing.]
[Mooing.]
Now, milk from one of these animals is the most complete food in the world.
Four-legged miracles, these animals.
I was, uh, explaining to Mr.
Cooper this morning true beasts of beauty.
Uh, you know, one of the first things you boys gonna have to learn is how to pick up on animal disease.
You gotta look for the glaze in the animal's eye.
That That can mean, uh, a fever.
You gotta check for warts, abscesses, ringworm.
You got to be cautious with pus and fungus.
- You don't wanna contaminate yourself.
- [Exhales.]
These, uh, animals also sometimes have gut infections, and watch out for loose bowels diarrhea.
ThatThat could be a sign of some infestation.
- Sounds great.
- Yeah, wellPacol Come here and show these two how to check out a cow for pregnancy.
[Moos.]
Gina, absolutely, positively overnight.
What do you got there family photo? It's Gargantua.
It's Calvin's bull.
You wanna see it? I've seen Calvin's bull.
Hey, man, this is the finest bull I ever had.
Key to my whole operation.
Well, they only lost one tank.
Why don't you just go on back there and get a fresh supply? He's dead.
Natural causes? Oh, he was servicin' a heifer, and he stepped in a hole, broke his leg.
Oh.
I had to sell him for slaughter.
You mean, he was He died for love.
Oh.
Five dollars for a bullwhip.
Hey, kids, you gonna buy those whips? Are you gonna buy those? Do you have five dollars for tho Don't finger the Wait.
Get aw Get away from there with those snow cones! Don't be comin' around here! Manny! Polaroid! Would you please hold this whip in a possibly suggestive position? Have a little fun with it, eh? Uh, reintroduce playtime in the bedroom, eh? Yes.
This is Rojas.
So you think that feller knows somethin' about my stolen tank? Izzy's got his finger on the pulse of the underworld.
I have located the Texan and established surveillance.
Very nice! Is she nice? I'll take that, Manny.
Thank you very much.
Come on down here.
I talk to you a little bit.
I'm doing a remake of Red River with the original dialogue intact Look at this guy, will ya? Who's he supposed to be, Randolph Scott? Howard Hawks didn't want to have the Duke die, but that's how it goes.
It's going to be low budget, but, uh, if we gave you [Switek Shouts.]
Hey, Buffalo Billl Give your name and number to Manny here, and we'll get in touch with you, huh? Manny, get her name and her number, eh? Caballeros, got my work permit here somewhere, eh? I got my peddler's license renewed this year.
I can get you a special rate on these for the police force.
You got a line on any bull semen thieves? You got a line on 50 bucks? No, I'm only kidding.
- I got your man.
- You do? Oh, yes.
I know some very heavy cattle breeders who know this guy and say that he's getting into artificial "insubordination"? I want you to go and tell him you got an offer from an interested buyer.
Sorry, but I'm gonna be busy the rest of the afternoon.
Well, then, maybe a certain parole officer would, uh, like to find out where his girlfriend spends her Friday nights.
Got a quarter? He's no good for her.
No.
You got a quarter? - I just tried to give back her self-esteem! - Yeah, I got a quarter.
Okay, all right, all right! I'll make a phone call for you.
Here's a quarter.
I have my own quarter.
Guy's a nut.
- [Moreno.]
Listen, Paco, it's like I tell you on the phone.
- You sure he's cool? He's cool.
He's a stand-up guy, here.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
You're gonna walk away with your down payment.
They have arrived.
Okay.
That's the signal, yes? Come on, come on, compadre.
Howdy, pardners.
You're busted! - [Anderson On Bullhorn.]
In the name of the - [Water Splashing.]
In the name of the United States government, I place you under arrest.
Put the tank on the ground.
Lay your hands against the truck.
Uh, put your hands in the air! [Gunfire.]
[Trudy.]
Who's shootin'? Shots came from over there.
[Gunfire Continues.]
[Police Radio, Indistinct.]
Who started shooting? There was not supposed to be any shooting here! What are the feds doing here? Anderson, you can call the A-team out.
It's all over now.
General all clear.
The tank? Looks like our friend Paco was cowed by all the noise and split.
What is it with this stuff? You're not cleared to know that.
"Not cleared"? Hey, uh, Anderson, looks like you're an uncle.
Montecristo.
It's that Cuban pig Rojas.
Cuban intelligence? Now, what could Cuban intelligence possibly be interested in here, huh? [Anderson Sighs.]
Miniature cows.
[Snickering.]
[All Laughing.]
[Laughing.]
Miniature cows.
This gets better and better.
[Laughing Continues.]
Okay, this is a picture of Gargantua.
Oh, this has gotta be a gag, Anderson.
[Guffaws.]
I didn't know cows came that small.
- [Giggles, Laughs.]
- Yes, they do, Detective.
They do.
And the U.
S.
Of A.
Plans to be in the forefront of bovine miniaturization.
[Laughing Resumes.]
In India, high-yield rice, impervious to nuclear fallout.
Bat guano power plants in Guatemala.
Herring farms in the Dead Sea.
The way to people's hearts and minds is through their stomachs.
[Trudy Chuckles.]
Mao Tse-tung.
[Chuckles.]
Well, it's a sentiment that Cuban intelligence seems to share, believe me.
Senor Rojas and I have locked horns from Trinidad Yeah, speakin' of horns, uh, when you gonna get off the red herring and onto the bull business, huh? Eyes only.
[Trudy Sighs.]
Oh, God.
Up to now, the dairy protein needs in the Third World have been met, if at all, in powdered form.
In times of drought, the results have been tragic.
What you're seeing is the answer.
Little bossies and their tiny teats? What do they put out, evaporated milk? Try two-thirds the production of a full-size cow on one-tenth the acreage.
The perfect low-cost animal.
So when did Rojas find out about Cowboy Calvin's big secret? Lesson number one, Detective: In the intelligence community, there are no secrets, except the secrets that keep themselves.
[Clears Throat.]
Okay.
[Clears Throat.]
[Clears Throat.]
[Calvin.]
Goldurn it, Stanley.
I wish them cloak-and-dagger boys'd butt the hell outta this.
Why, are you afraid all that international goodwill is gonna bankrupt you at the sperm bank? Goodwill? Stanley, there's some serious long green to be made off of them little cows of mine.
- How serious? - Do you know how many sperms can swim around on the head of a pin? - I never looked.
- Millions, millions.
So just think of how many potential cows is in that tank, see.
I mean, that's at least one cow for every family in the entire teemin' underdeveloped world.
Unreal.
Yeah.
Why, even at a buck a cow, that's - A lot of moola.
- [Whistles.]
[Calvin.]
You know, it's not that I don't have every confidence in the local law enforcement.
It's just that I wouldn't be gettin' up on the off side.
Uh, it's just that I thought and Stan here agrees with me that you're the man to head up this posse.
Well, I just started casting Red River, Part Two, but I can always check my calendar.
He's incredibly busy.
Uh-huh.
Well, if you wasn't busy, how would you go about contacting this, uh, Paco, uh Hermosa? Hermosa.
Uh-huh.
Well, probably in the role of a neo-crypto Uh, wh-whoa, whoa, whoa bagman.
Whoa.
Seventy-five, Call that 86,500.
All right.
Now you tell Mr.
Hermosa, no questions asked.
[Exhales.]
We are totally simpático, my friend.
I guarantee that I can get your, uh [Chuckles.]
Vital fluids returned to your personage faster than you can say "Lash La Rue.
" You know, I knew you was a range rider minute I laid eyes on you.
Hey, didn't I say that about him, Stan? - I got one question.
- Well, what's that? "What's in it for me?"Right, Iz? What's in it for me? Think 86,500 will get it, Stan? Ah, more than enough if Hermosa's as low-rent as Izzy is.
Course, 86,500 Well, that's kind of What? Well, it's an odd number.
Odd number? Yeah.
Look, you're, uh, obviously a bright guy, but, uh, in the big city I'm just a big hick.
No.
Oh, yes, I am, damn it.
Now, just go on and speak your piece, man.
Well, we work with these fast operators all the time, and one thing you recognize round numbers.
Round numbers? Yeah.
I mean, you never see a guy, uh, offer a bribe, say, $72 and change.
It's always a hundred bucks, Or a hundred thousand.
Oh, but see Yeah, Stan, I mean, all I got on me is 90 grand, 'cause, you know, l I didn't expect to get rolled in some strange city.
I didn't prepare for it, or Yeah, well I've got some savings I was gonna put into mutual funds, but with the market so crazy and all Yeah.
I'd be proud to invest in the future of a better world.
No, no, I couldn't I couldn't let you do that, see, 'cause, uh Well, l-I'd have to insist on one condition.
What's that? And that's that your contribution entitles you to two per f-five five-percent ownership in Teal Enterprises, 'cause, see, l-I'd just as soon that you got somethin' for your money, instead of just lettin' me have it, you know.
And-And besides, if you're gonna be standin' behind me as an investor, then I'd be honored if you was my partner too.
It's a deal.
[Chuckles.]
[Laughs.]
Good deal! How about Izzy's house, huh? Boy, that place is a dump.
Man, I ain't lyin'.
[Moreno.]
Entrez-vous, Agent Anderson.
Well, you're a tough little puppy to keep in the crosshairs, Isadore.
I don't let the johnsongrass grow under my feet.
Everything here is perfectly legit.
Well, good for you.
Guess that means you're ready to help the right side, huh? [Chuckles.]
I salute the flag on your lapel, Agent Anderson, but, uh But what? But, uh, I'm already engaged.
Well, I have some friends in the I.
N.
S.
That, uh, gave me some information that may help disengage you.
Seems your immigration status is a little precarious.
Ingrid and I had a very special relationship.
She taught me how to use the bullwhip.
It's a tragic coincidence that we were divorced right after I got my green card.
Well, I've got two outstanding warrants in Puerto Rico, one in Guantánamo Where have I heard this before? Okay.
All right, all right.
I will help you.
I'll tell you right now, Hermosa knows how valuable that tank is.
Hermosa? Sí.
- You mean, Rojas doesn't have that tank? - No, Paco Hermosa.
And he's not gonna take a dime less than [Hesitantly.]
uh, dollars.
Uh, we could raise that.
It'd be wrong, but No, no, 200,000 that's well within the purview of my authorization.
[Phone Buzzing.]
All right.
It might be more, though.
I can't tell.
Red River Productions.
Sí, this is he.
This is Rojas.
I have just "receive" a fax from Havana.
It seems you still have many outstanding warrants.
Shall I read them aloud to you? Oh, no-no-no, that's okay, uh, Comrade Rojas.
I see.
You are interested in the amazing bull product.
Well, I don't know.
We are a nation of - card sharks? - ?Qué? Give me the whole thing.
Play along.
Uh, yes, I'll see what I can do, but it's going to cost you [Door Opens, Closes.]
Something in the neighborhood of two hundred and fifty nine thousand dollars.
[Door Opens.]
Oh, yes.
Yes, well, there are many pros and cons.
[Door Closes.]
[Chuckles.]
Yes, especially the cons.
Uh, un momento.
He wants to make the deal today.
Yes! Yes, we can do that for you today.
I will meet you alone.
Yes.
You have my word.
You and Comrade Rojas and one billion unborn cows.
Compact mini-cows? Limousine-size cows for our commie creep.
[Speaking Spanish.]
[Spanish.]
[Spanish.]
All right, fine, fine.
Okay.
It's a beautiful winged, uh, sloop you got here, eh? I can't believe it.
Sixteen boats in an hour? Fifteen.
He checked one twice.
[Spanish.]
Rojas? [Gasps.]
[Spanish.]
[Both Speaking Spanish.]
I do not see any money here.
[Spanish.]
Don't fool around [Gunshot.]
- [Switek.]
What the hell's goin' on? - [Spanish.]
[Moreno.]
No.
This is mine.
This is mine.
[Horn Honking.]
- What the hell are you doin'? - Hey! Nice goin', Mr.
Covert Operation.
Obviously you two have a little to learn about the chess-like interaction of international intrigue.
Yeah, like what? Like the fact that our side just won a major battle in the cold war of animal husbandry.
Mr.
Rojas just bought himself a load of our deluxe oversized cud chewers.
[Scoffs.]
You're welcome.
Who is this guy? Here's gratitude for ya.
[Sighs.]
[Moreno.]
I told you already.
Anderson tried to pull a big con on you! The tank is bogus! I was just the bagman! Let me down, please! [Panting.]
Hey! Why don't you tell me who you're really working for? L I can see there's [Chuckles.]
No Eastern Bloc translation for the kind of free market entrepreneurialism I'm getting dizzy.
Oh, so you are a capitalist pig who'll do anything for money.
Uh, no it's more of a a informational processing of a very distinctly sought-after talent in this most inhospitable world.
Where did you go? Aaah! Surely not as inhospitable as La Cabana.
La Cabana? La Cabana, no.
Uh, that'sThat's not me.
You're You're thinking of somebody else, I think, and it's not me.
It's really not me.
I mean, I've heard of La Cabana, but I've never spent any time Ow! Does she work out with weights or something? Isadore Francisco Moreno crimes against the revolución.
Define la revolución.
[Spanish.]
[Spanish.]
[Spanish.]
Either way, I go home with the spoils of capitalism.
You or the mini-cows.
Maybe I'll take both.
So, who has my tank? [Spits.]
Now [Shouting.]
Actually, it's some guy named Paco, actually works for the U.
S.
D.
A.
, okay? Huh? Oh, so U.
S.
Agents? No-no-no-no, he's just a opportunistic capitalistic, you know, sibling, actually.
Uh, you know, he's just He's trying to make [Cries Out.]
M- make an name for hisself.
He's, uh He's already entertaining an offer from that overgrown Texas boot stomp, that sodbuster, who has made a bid for the tank of two hundred and fifty-nine thousand dollars.
[Spits, Coughs.]
So, you are, of course, to outbid him.
This briefcase is bugged and rigged to detonate on my command.
Uh So as to protect you from your socially inbred tendencies of greed.
[Chuckles.]
Any deviation from my instructions, and, uh [Chuckles.]
We will be forced to abort you and your mission.
[Sighs.]
[Grunts.]
Any chance of this going off by mistake? [Groans.]
[Trudy.]
We're gonna need Case 22.
[Gina.]
It's on my desk.
Ladies.
Oh, hi, Calvin.
Hi.
They told me these was the last two in the entire state of Florida.
[Giggles.]
That's nice.
Thank you.
[Gina.]
Why, thank you, Calvin.
Well, you're welcome.
Kind of hard to come by 'em, uh, so far from Texas.
Oh.
[Gina.]
That's sweet.
[Calvin.]
Well, it It seemed like the least I could do after the time we had last night.
[Gina Chuckles.]
You check out Romeo back here? Ancient pangs of, uh, jealousy surfacing, partner? Get out of here.
This guy's puttin' on a road show.
[Gina, Calvin Chattering.]
Yeah, well I think he's already closed the sale on Gina.
[Gina Laughing.]
Eight-to-five she sees right through him.
[Laughing Continues.]
You sure you wanna make that bet? Maybe you guys could take some notes here? [Calvin Chattering.]
Kind of nice color on you.
[Both Laugh.]
[Gina.]
Thanks.
How about we just pull his file? Come on.
Come on.
[Rattling.]
[Lock Clicks.]
[Moreno Grunts.]
Come on.
Come on.
[Phone Beeping.]
[Cries Out, Panting.]
Yes? Paco.
[Spanish.]
Hold on.
[Panting.]
[Laughing.]
[Laughing On Headphones.]
[Speaking Spanish.]
What is it? I don't know.
He's breaking up.
Paco.
Hey.
Yeah, listen, the Cubans have come up with a better offer.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's about, uh uh, three, uh [Coughing.]
It's about, uh, two hundred and seventy-five, uh, thousand.
Yeah.
Izzy just cut a deal for Rojas to sell the tank for 275,000.
All these people prosperin' off of my hard work.
[Static, Indistinct Chattering.]
[Moreno's Voice.]
Yeah.
It's gonna be at the trestle today, near near the Albondigas Bridge.
And, listen, bring that bull gizmo.
[Spanish.]
Close encounters of the weird kind.
[Switch Clicking.]
[Coughs.]
[Engine Starts.]
I can't believe it.
Of all the people in the world to be entrusted with the forefront of bovine miniaturization.
Psst, Izzy! Who's there? It's me, man! [Exhales.]
Who are all these light freaks? I don't know, man.
You got the money? Yeah.
It's in here.
Be careful of the blinking red light.
That'll be your cue.
You got the stuff? Yeah.
It's right here.
Run! [Grunting.]
Let me see.
Let me see.
Come on.
That tank's gotta make it back to the ranch.
You really care for this, don't you? No.
No.
I just hate see a good ol' boy get the shaft, that's all.
Not so fast, my capitalist friend.
Hey, what we need here is a SALT-like détente nuclear disarmament! No way! Those miniature cows belong in the free world! Why does Anderson always show up at my drops, huh? I should be Martinized for trying to prevent W.
W.
Ill.
Get up, bonehead, before we Martinize you right into the ground! Where's the money, Izzy? [Gasps.]
Rojas is going to kill me! He'll think I double-crossed him! YouYou gotta help me get into a federal protection program! Let me shoot him, okay? Huh? Can I shoot him? I got a round in here.
Sure, I do.
Bunco Division, Los Angeles.
Bunco Division, Denver.
Land Fraud Division, State of Louisiana.
Who's that? Cowboy Cal, a.
k.
a.
Chuck Teasdale, Clyde T.
Rose, Calvin Tuttle.
[Coffee Cup Shatters.]
Calvin? Yeah.
Sorry, Gina.
That miserable 10-gallon rat.
Well, if it's any consolation to you, he took a couple of investment bankers for about 100 grand in, uh, phony mutual funds couple of years ago.
Got off on a technicality.
Hundred grand.
Nice round number.
[Knocking.]
Who is it? It's Calvin.
Calvin.
Yes.
The key is under the mat.
Hey, man, pay attention.
I'm gonna show you how to get rich.
My immediate sense of distrust is temporarily overcome by the need for finances to blow town.
May the, uh, wind always be at your back.
For a hundred years.
[Gasps.]
- Lookit here.
[Chuckles.]
- No! No.
Any more alleged perpetrations and I lose all semblance of"credibleness.
" Well, hey, relax, man.
All them other tanks was fake.
Now this here is the real enchilada.
I mean, you're lookin' at 400 tiny thunderin' hooves.
Hey, you didn't think I was really gonna part with the genuine bull sauce.
Did ya? [Gasps.]
Mr.
Teal, you are a credit to the free-enterprising vertebrates of this planet.
[Grunts.]
Well, you're damn right I am! So, as I see it, we got a perfect opportunity to employ your God-given talent.
Eh, the telephone is my instrument.
I was born to play it, just like Mozart was born to play the piano, BoJackson was born to play baseball.
Well Mmm.
Mr.
Charlie [Phone Beeping.]
Drives a lot of ballplayers [Spanish.]
[Chuckles.]
[Ringing.]
Hello, this is [Ringing Continues.]
This is Anderson.
Ah, yes.
By a strange, circuitous route, the actual bull semen has found its way into my possession, and I wanted to give you first dibs.
We are, uh, opening the bidding at, say, um, half million.
Moreno, is that you? Listen, you Cuban cockroach.
If you've got the genuine tank [Phone Beeping.]
Fork it over now, before the entire resources [Ringing.]
Uh, could you please hold? Rojas.
[Spanish.]
Trading in mini-cow futures is open again, and I'm entertaining a bid from Agent Anderson of the federales for five and a half points U.
S.
[Spanish.]
Marielito trash, how dare you negotiate with the People's Republic de Cuba? Uh, fish or cut bait.
I got Washington on the other line.
So, how do you open, uh, Andy? [Anderson.]
Why should I believe anything a fruit fly like you has to say? 'Cause he's got the tank, that's why.
And if you don't start addin' on zeros real fast, them baby bulls gonna be mooing en Espanol.
Okay, okay.
I'll go 550.
But I want Moreno's skin hanging from the wall of the Earl Butz Conference Room when it's over.
Yeah, yeah.
Which reminds me, amigo Ten percent.
Thirty.
Twenty.
Done.
You're at 550,000.
Please hold.
- Did you get that? - What I get is 300,000 of my Cuban money! And for every additional dollar, it will be one pound of your flesh! [Spanish.]
I see.
Well, I cannot let personal endangerment conflict with Keynesian "economicals.
" Going once.
Going twice.
Ah, Cuba six.
Gringos five-point-five.
The top of the eighth Seven.
Conference 'em.
[Anderson.]
Moreno.
Los Cubanos, the number on the table is seven repítelo, seven.
- Eight! - Nine! [Rojas.]
One million U.
S.
Dollars! - [Grunts.]
- [Inhales.]
Senor Anderson, bottom of the ninth.
We are waiting.
Listen, we took a big budget hit this year.
We, uh [Clears Throat.]
- We're not prepared to go that high.
- [Both Grunt.]
So, the capitalist running dogs fade in the stretch.
Selling these bulls to the Communists is it-it It's downright non-American.
Aw, listen, federal breath.
If you can sell cola to the ChiComs, I can sure sell cows to Castro.
- Adiós! - Hello? [Dial Tone.]
Hello! [Groans.]
Hey, congratulations there, Senor Rojas.
You just got yourself a full quart of half-pint, short-horned studs.
Now, I want that money delivered in unmarked, unused, "unconsecutive" 50s and 100s dropped off to my little buddy, who's gonna be boatin' along the Miami River sometime tween noon and 6:00 today.
- You got that? - [Spanish.]
[Rojas.]
But don't cross me.
[Both Chuckling.]
No way, Jose.
[Slams Down Handset.]
Muy bien.
Yeah.
[Satisfied Chuckle.]
Moreno, give me the damn tank.
No! Rojas will kill me! What Rojas doesn't know won't hurt him.
Let's go.
Uh? Thank you.
- Gimme the other tank! - Merry Christmas.
Gracias.
[Tires Screeching.]
[Laughs.]
Not bugged and rigged, is it? [Laughs.]
[Gasps.]
[Spanish.]
[Grunts.]
Yes.
Ah, good.
Have a nice flight back to Cuba, okay? Just give me a push off there, all right, and I'll be all right.
[Toilet Flushes.]
Like clockwork.
Sí.
Clockwork de naranja.
Uh, listen, I'm a little "paratory" of Rojas, so if I could just get my 20% out [Coughs.]
Take it with me, and withdraw to sunny climes - The fast money always fades first.
- Oh, yes.
Well, it's too bad, 'cause I was plannin'on introducin'you to some permanent wealth.
Permanent wealth, huh? What do you mean, the "M" word or the "B" word? I mean so much money your children's children couldn't even spend the interest.
- What's that? - These are signed contracts with the Saudis for 20 tanks of bull semen.
Man, do you know how much them A-rabs crave milk? I mean, this paper alone's worth a billion, five.
And, uh, I been gettin' inquiries from all over the entire Islamic world.
Now, I was plannin' on cuttin' you in for 10% off the top, but, uh But, uh But what? Well, see, high finance is a game for men with a certain kind of confident view of life, and-and and you got all you can do to hang onto your little bitty green card.
Well, hey, you know, I understand that.
I mean, go on.
Take your 200,000 and scoot.
Course, uh, by the time I deliver on that paper, I'm gonna be droppin' 200K on tips.
[Laughs.]
[Laughs.]
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, now.
If you are really serious about bringing milk to the desert - I am.
- I wouldn't mind getting in on the ground floor of some of this honey.
You're sure? "Start the ball, Tector.
" Now that's what I call takin' the long view, Moreno.
[Chuckles.]
Now, I want you to hang onto these, okay? Now, you put 'em in a safe place and keep 'em there, and, uh See, I got a 7:00 p.
m.
Flight to Dubai I gotta catch.
I'm gonna cable you from there, okay? Okay.
Yeah, I'll keep these in a safe place.
Let me ride down with you, huh? That's okay.
I'll be right in front of you, buddy.
You take care now.
Okay, wait a second.
- Hold the elevator for me, will you? - I'll tell the doorman you're on your way.
Sonny.
Well, yeah.
Come on in, man.
Come on in.
You want some champagne? Hey-Hey, Izzy.
Give Give the man some, uh, champagne.
[Sighs.]
What tipped ya? This.
Yeah.
You know, I started lookin' at this picture.
There were a few things in here that bothered me.
So I sent it over to Photo Analysis and had them take a look at it.
It's a It's a composite.
See, the, uh the shadow [Sighs.]
From his leg here is from a picture taken at 12:00 noon.
And the shadow on the bull here is from a picture taken after 5:00.
Very nice.
And Paco Hermosa [Sighs.]
Has been workin' for you from the beginning.
[Calvin.]
Man, you are good.
I swear, man, you are real good.
Be a cold day in July before someone put one over on you.
[Chuckles.]
Look, l I'm gonna take a wild stab here at an explanation.
You You can just tell me how it fits.
Now, what's in that briefcase there belongs to me and Izzy.
- [Spanish.]
- Shut up.
'Cause, I mean, we sold that bull sperm to the Cubans, and they paid us for it coin of the realm, fair and square.
AndAnd what's in that briefcase there, well It It's ours.
Geopolitics ain't really my thing, cowboy.
However, I am a little put off about, uh, the way you tried to burn my friends.
Well, I am sorely ashamed of that.
So I suggest you come up with a real good reason why I shouldn't haul your ashes into stir right now.
Uh-Uh, well, okay.
Now, you know that tank of mine [Chuckles.]
That wasn't real stuff.
Well, Sonny, there never was no real stuff.
No.
There's only about 19 of them little suckers.
They're off on some ranch in Mexico somewhere, and But, see, Sonny, I never did break a single law.
Now the Cubans paid for somethin' that they perceived as valuable.
It was Anderson switched the tanks.
I held up my end.
You got the money.
Ain't no harm been done, 'cept 'cept the, uh, harm that Rojas gonna do me, once he finds out that, uh that he's been hosed.
So, Sonny, I am askin' you, as a Southerner and as a gentleman, to let my behind go.
[Laughing.]
You really think I ought to let you just stroll out of here? Uh, well I'd be obliged.
Uh-uh.
The money stays.
You're not gonna regret this, Sonny.
This is a true act of Christian charity.
Ciao, y'all.
Tell Stan and Gina I'm gonna make it right with them just as soon as I get back on my feet.
[Door Opens.]
Where the hell do you think you're goin', Hud? [Door Closes.]
[Spanish.]
[Spanish.]
You know what we got in there, don't you? Letters of transit It's time to get out of Casablanca, man.
[Snickers.]
This ain't the beginning of a beautiful friendship, Iz.
When I hit it big it's gonna because I picked the right six numbers in the lottery, not because I formed a joint venture with some "Castroid" reject fleece artist.
I'm beginning to smell wages on you, partner.
[Sighs.]
Yeah, well, this is gonna go to the fallen policeman's fund.
Look, let me just say good-bye to the boys.
You know, Franklin and Grant and all the others.
I mean, l I think I really got to know them well in the short time that we were together.
- Please.
- [Locks Snapping.]
What time does his plane leave? [Australian Accent.]
Now, of course in Alice Springs, we don't yet have the pressing need for the mini-cows, 'cause we still got a lot of space.
But, you lot, when you take over in Hong Kong in another few years, why, uh, I reckon you gotta utilize all the space you got.
So, let's start the pilot project now, and then, uhThank you in another few years, you'll have a little herd of cows on every rooftop in Kowloon.
Now, uh, have a look at that little bugger, eh? He's no bigger than a wallaby.
You know, we're developing the dwarf clover, so that you'll be able to feed 'im right out of your window box.