Mom s04e12 Episode Script

1 - Hey.
- Hey.
- How was work? - (sighs) I hate the lunch shift.
It's always foreign tourists, and they never tip.
Some day when I have money, I'm gonna travel to all their countries and stiff every last one of 'em.
My day sucked, too.
I went to 3A to fix his ceiling fan, and he doesn't know my name.
Can you believe 3A doesn't know my name? Where'd the fancy cookies come from? I swiped 'em from Adam's.
I was particularly generous last night, so I figured he owed me.
It really is tit for tat with you, isn't it? - Yummy.
- Let me try.
Mmm.
They are yummy.
There's an interesting flavor in the background.
(smacking lips) - Is it mint? - I don't think so.
Carob? No.
Carob's more like crappy chocolate.
Oh.
Maybe they're gluten-free.
Ugh.
People ask for gluten-free at the restaurant all the time.
I always lie and say I watched the chef de-glute it myself.
What is gluten anyway? If I'm not mistaken, it's a chemical compound derived from the ass of the wheat plant, which is the glute.
Why do you make up facts? Why can't you just say, "I don't know"? (mouth full): I don't know.
You realize I was, like, 20 years old before I found out carrots don't make your hair grow? I got you to eat carrots, didn't I? My point is my whole life, you did nothing but lie to me.
I lied 'cause I love you.
You lied because you're Bonnie Plunkett.
Oh, honey, I'm not really Bonnie Plunkett.
I knew it! (slowly): Your skin is so amazing.
It's like porcelain but not toilet porcelain.
Tea cup porcelain.
I love your voice.
It is so soothing.
Yeah.
Sometimes I just listen to myself and I'm soothed.
- Oh, my God! - What? I was just hit by an intense wave of love for you.
You're my mom! Get in here.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
Can I ask you a personal question? Of course.
What would chairs look like if our knees bent the other way? That was the best shower of my entire life.
I felt every drop of water meander down my body in little rivulets.
Rivulets.
Great word.
Look at this.
(laughs) Rivulets.
What? This courtyard is a missed opportunity.
You're right.
What? This should be a transitional space.
(snaps her fingers) I mean, you're out there in the world, you're stressed, you're worried.
And before you get to your apartment, you have to walk through here.
Something should whisper (whispering): "You're almost home.
" Wind chimes? Yes! Wind chimes! (gasps) Ooh, Adam has some hanging on his balcony.
I'll do something tricky with my tongue and an ice cube and take 'em.
I bet you're gonna marry him.
I bet I am, too.
Oh, God.
You're gonna marry Adam, and I'm gonna be here all alone.
That's not true.
You're not gonna be able to afford this place without me.
You're right.
I'm sad now.
Me, too.
(sighs) I know.
Let's skip.
- Skip? - Yeah.
It's impossible to be sad if you're skipping.
Hey! It's working! (chuckles) Come on.
What is that? - Skipping.
- No, it's not.
That's a w Woman having a seizure.
How can you not know how to skip? My mother never taught me! Shame on her! Now, step.
Hop.
Step.
Hop.
Step.
- (whimpering) - Hop.
- Step.
Hop.
- Hop.
- Step.
Hop.
- Hop.
- Step.
Hop.
Step.
- Oh.
- Oh! - Step! Hop! (both whooping, clamoring) Look at me! I got it! Oh! I can skip! I can skip! Oh! Oh! Oh, we better go to the meeting.
(panting) - Let's skip there! - (gasps) We so have to do that.
(both laughing, clamoring) CHRISTY: We forgot our purses.
(panting) 4,007, 4,008, 4,009, 4,010.
4,010 skips from our apartment to the meeting.
And for every one of them, I wish that I had a sports bra.
(laughing) Oh.
I mean, I keep waiting for my life to get easier, but these last few weeks, I feel like I've been in a bottomless pit of sadness.
(quietly): She should skip.
Anyway, sorry for being such a downer lately.
Thanks for listening.
Who else would like to share? Hi.
I'm Bonnie.
I'm an alcoholic.
ALL: Hi, Bonnie.
First of all, I want to apologize for being late 'cause you are all very important to me.
Even this woman who I've never seen before.
- What is your name? - June.
You are very important to me, and that is a lovely name.
Thank you? That hasn't been the case for most of my life.
I was important to me.
My daughter, of course, sometimes, was important to me, but not much else.
But this This This is important to me.
And I guess it's kind of hitting me right now as I'm talking in my soothing voice.
Two years into my fifth time getting sober, I finally get it.
I want to be here.
And for that, I need to thank you.
And you and you and you and you and June.
I'd like to follow that if I may.
Okay.
Hi.
I'm Christy.
I'm an alcoholic.
ALL: Hi, Christy.
Picking up on what she said, I want to talk about what I had for lunch today.
I usually just get a green salad, but today, I got a Chinese chicken salad.
Which I've always been suspicious of because, how does a Mandarin orange work in a salad? But here's the thing it does.
And so do the cashews.
And so do the wontons.
You see where I'm going here, man.
If an orange and a cashew can work together in a salad, why can't different kinds of people work together in the world? I made her.
Now, you're probably wondering, "Why a salad? Why not soup?" And to that I say, don't get hung up on the metaphor.
I could do this whole thing all over again with soup.
You keep coming back, June.
Thank you.
Remember what I told you.
Right.
I love that woman! Where's Marjorie? She and Victor went out to dinner for their wedding anniversary.
Oh! Oh, that is so nice.
That means they'll be having old-people sex.
Ugh.
JILL: Damn it! All the cupcakes are gone.
How the hell am I supposed to stay sober without cupcakes? Relax.
I've got artishional cookies.
Artisanal.
I think it's artishional.
I know for a fact it's artisanal.
I don't like your blouse.
Ooh, I'll take one.
Give me.
Mmm.
- Mmm.
- (sniffles) I'm gonna sponsor June.
Well, I think we can all agree.
Jill has the most awesome hands.
(sighs) Totally.
Oh, my God, yes.
Those hands are going on Instagram.
My secret: I've never washed a dish.
Okay, three orders of bacon chili cheese fries.
ALL: Yay! (phone ringing) Mm.
It's Adam.
How do I look? Hang on.
Go.
(sultrily): Hello.
Hi.
Uh, when you were over earlier, you didn't happen to take a bag of cookies home, did you? Why are you talking so fast? Okay, so you took them and you ate them.
We all did.
Who's "we"? Me, Wendy, Jill, Christy and Wendy.
Oh, boy.
Where are you? We're at the bistro.
Hey, you remember FM radio? Don't I sound like FM radio? Up next, "Nights in White Satin"" I'm coming right over.
I-I need to talk to you in person.
Wait, wait, wait, you're not breaking up with me, are you? Is he breaking up with you on the phone? That is messed up, Adam! I'm not breaking up with you.
Just-just stay put.
I'll be right there.
Okay.
Bye.
What's going on? Adam's breaking up with me.
This sounds like a job for skipping.
Uh-huh.
I guess we're skipping now.
Let's go.
(recorded): Hi, this is Bonnie Plunkett.
My patience is limited.
Go.
(beep) Bonnie, it's Adam.
You weren't at the restaurant.
Where are you? Please, please call me back.
BONNIE: Eat my dust! CHRISTY: Oh, come on, wait up! Oh, dear God.
(whooping, laughing) You know, I learned how to masturbate on one of these.
(laughs) - When you were little? - No, just now.
(laughing) Bonnie.
Oh, no, Adam's here.
Quick, everyone close your eyes so he can't see me.
Can't see me.
Honey, honey, we need to talk.
Don't break up with my mom.
She loves you.
And you make her nicer! And she loves you! I'm not here to break up with you, but we do need to talk.
Alone.
- Ooh - Ooh Jill, hold on to her horse so it doesn't get away.
So we're okay? I am.
Honey, listen Mm-mm.
Time-out.
Are you sure? The little horse already did half the work.
There's something that I have to tell you.
Okay, but, first, I want to tell you something.
Christy and I have decided that you and I are gonna get married.
I'm excited about it.
She's still struggling.
Let's put a pin in that.
Here's the thing the cookies you took from my house were filled with pot.
- What? - Yeah.
No.
That's not possible.
I know what pot tastes like and those did not taste like pot.
Maybe carob.
I'm really sorry, babe.
I really am.
(sighs) No! You've got to be wrong.
There's no way.
(whooping, cheering) (laughing) Oh, my God, we're totally high.
(cheering, laughing) I can't believe this.
Three years of sobriety erased, just like that.
I had five years and seven months! (laughs) Do you guys realize that we relapsed in our AA meeting? (cackles) How can you be laughing right now? I don't know.
I'm trying to cry, but this is what's happening.
This is all your fault! What did I do? You knew what those cookies were.
You just wanted to get high and take us down with you! Are you out of your mind? You honestly think I would do that to my daughter, to my friends? I think you're capable of anything! I don't even know your real name! Let me tell you something: if I was gonna relapse, I wouldn't do it on something as lame as pot! And I certainly wouldn't share! All right, everybody just take a deep breath.
Everything's gonna be fine.
And what the hell is wrong with you? How do you leave drugs around when you're dating an addict? I didn't leave them around.
They were in the cabinet behind my pots and pans! I thought you hid them there 'cause you didn't want me to eat them.
I didn't want you to eat them! I'm gonna have to go back to rehab.
At least you can afford rehab! You know what, in a couple hours this is all gonna be over, let's all just calm down.
Don't tell us to calm down! You don't know what we just lost or how hard it's gonna be to start over! So just shut up! Shut up! I'm sorry.
I think we're being followed.
Thank you for coming.
I'm in way over my head.
No problem.
Little problem.
We were in the middle of a romantic dinner.
Victor, please.
I already took the pill, now it's wasted.
Hi, girls.
How we doing? Bad.
Really bad.
I begged you not to answer your phone.
Go make coffee.
Happy anniversary to me.
Marjorie, I'm really high and I'm scared it's never gonna end.
I'm scared I'm gonna lose my job.
They drug test us! We lost our sobriety.
We all have to start over.
Okay, let's calm down.
Don't say "calm down.
" Christy does not like "calm down.
" - Go help with the coffee.
- Yes, ma'am.
Okay, now, none of you had any idea there was pot in those cookies, right? Right! So, this was an accident.
This was not a choice anybody made.
Therefore, no one has lost their sobriety.
I sure feel like I lost it.
It feels like a death in the family.
Sugar or Splenda? I'll just bring both.
Look, this sort of thing happens.
I had 11 years, I was on a cruise to Mexico, I ordered a virgin piña colada, I took a big gulp and realized it was as much a virgin as I was.
So what did you do? I called the waitress an unfortunate name A series of names, really (clears throat) but I didn't take another sip.
And that was it? You didn't beat yourself up? What for? It was an accident.
I did try to make amends to the waitress, but she was so shook up, she jumped ship in Cancun.
What if I wake up tomorrow and I want to use? Then you call me, you go to your meetings, you do what you've been doing for the past three years.
I'm still so sad that this happened.
Well that's a good thing.
It shows how much your sobriety means to you.
Christy, you're gonna be okay.
Thanks, Marjorie.
Bad news, Jill.
Marjorie has the most awesome hands.
How is that possible? Let me see! You all right? Been better.
Sure different than it used to be.
Yeah.
I did like you teaching me how to skip.
I liked it, too.
I'm sorry I blamed you for what happened.
Thank you.
But in all fairness, it is your fault.
(grunts) Who the hell is June? So how are the girls? Good.
We went to three meetings in the last 24 hours.
We cried about it at the first meeting, laughed about it at the second, and by the third, we were back to bitching about men.
(laughs) That wasn't a joke.
Again, I am so sorry.
It's okay.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Hey, one other thing.
When we were in the park the other night, you said something about our relationship that It kind of caught me off guard a little bit.
Did I? You did.
Hmm.
Well, I was pretty high.
You say things when you're high.
It doesn't mean anything.
Okay.
Then it's forgotten.
- Good.
- Yeah.
- You want to watch TV? - I do.
I mean, sure.
Stupid pot.