My Family (2000) s04e12 Episode Script

Ah! Ah! Ah! (Door opens) What are you doing? Making cup of tea.
- Would you like one? - Yes.
Could I have mine in a cup? - Let me explain.
- Don't, don't.
I wanted to make a cup of tea but I didn't have any tea bags, or milk, or cups, or a kettle, or company.
So, Ben! Ha-ha.
What's happening? You're leaving, I'm working.
Goodbye.
No, you're not.
Er, Mrs Shepherd called to cancel, Mr Bartell called to say he was dead.
Although that might have been an excuse.
Oh, and a Richard Harper called to say he'd be dropping by.
Oh.
Fan-vomming-tastic.
You do realise that was mouthwash? So who is this man who's driven you to 4.
96% alcohol? Abi's father.
- My future father-in-law! - You've not even asked the girl out yet.
I'm just waiting for the right moment.
They'll be opening Pig Airport before it's the right moment.
You're right.
So you don't think I should call him Pops? I don't care, I won't be here.
I shall be paying my respects to Mr Bartell.
- He's not really dead.
- And I'm not really paying my respects.
- Hey! - Hey! (Both laugh heartily) Richard! - Wallet.
- Hey! I just wanted you to know I've still got it.
I know you have.
Give it back.
- You're good.
- (Laughs) Hello, I'm Roger! Abi's destiny.
That's what you get for being an absentee father.
I wasn't absentee, I was A ne'er-do-well.
Come on, Ben, who says ne'er-do-well these days? An annoying pedant.
How can you say that about the man who begat an angel? - Is he boffing her? - Think he'd talk like that if he was? No, no, no, you got a point, Ben.
No, I don't deserve a daughter like Abi.
No, nobody does.
I was a terrible father, a thoughtless husband To which wife? Oh, whatshername, the chunky one.
(Laughs) See what I mean? No, but since I've met Gina Beresford, all that's changed.
You're not gonna get married again? Not again.
For the first time in my heart.
That is so beautiful.
It is not.
This man has charmed his way in and out of everything in his life, and I for one am Jealous? No.
I won't hear a word said against my cousin.
Ben's the only Harper with a head on his shoulders.
He's a role model.
He's been married to the same woman for what seems like forever.
And he's raised three refreshingly different children - without a word of complaint.
- Well, I d And when I wasn't man enough to be there for her myself, Ben took in my only daughter.
- I thought Abi had a sister.
- You're missing the point.
Which is why, Ben, I would be overjoyed if you would do me the honour - of being my best man.
- (Roger gasps) - I don't know what to say.
- Just say yes.
Yes! Say yes! You said yes? - Of course I said yes.
- (# Rock music on Walkman) Never been best man before.
I've been third-best man, second-best man, I've been substitute usher, but Whoo! This time, Susan, I am the best.
And all these years I've just settled for you being adequate.
You do realise you don't even like Richard.
You don't really know him.
I know.
It all happened so quickly and all seemed so right.
- Don't ruin my big day, please.
- Ruin it for you? What about Abi? She'll be fine, I'll talk to her.
No big deal.
It is a big deal.
She hasn't forgiven him for the last three marriages.
I'm a dentist.
I'm used to breaking things gently.
You're just used to breaking things.
Susan, I am the best man, so I am the best man for the job.
Are you sure? How about the last time someone told Abi her father was getting married? You're familiar with the expression "shoot the messenger"? - Yes.
- Usually it's a metaphor.
Fortunately, I've no idea what you're talking about.
Hey, Michael.
Michael, Michael, Michael.
Where do you think you're going? - What? - You're supposed to be washing up.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Erm, I'd love to, but I've just eaten and, er, you've always told me, don't go near water for an hour after a meal.
I've also told you, I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it.
Doesn't work any more, Mum.
I've grown, you haven't.
Well, those dishes are going to sit there until you wash them.
Not me, not Abi, not the dish fairy, not Mrs Dobson the cleaner you've hired to do your room - I know all about her - you.
Mrs Dobson never yells at me.
(Voices on TV) (Turns TV off) Abi, Ben wants to talk to you.
- No, no, I don't.
- Yes, he does.
I know what you're gonna say, and it was already loose.
- Sorry, what was? - You tell me, you brought it up.
Guess who Ben ran into today.
A sea captain! - No.
- That missing pensioner! - No.
- A scary clown! - For God's sake.
- I'll get it It's your father, I saw your father.
That's right, Ben, just blurt it out.
- The thing is, Abi - He's got some news.
You're not gonna like it very much.
- Why don't you tell her? - No, no, no.
I wouldn't dream of it.
I'm not saying a word.
My lips are sealed.
Right.
The thing is, Abi - Your father's getting married again.
- What? - He's getting married - To a woman called Gina Beresford.
I don't believe it! Why does he keep doing this? I hate him! I hate him! I hate him! (Door slams) Well, you made a complete hash of that.
(Sniffs) Whoa.
What's a nice word for pillock? I'm your son, Dad, you don't have to sugar the pill.
Not you, you pillock.
I'm writing a best man speech and I'm stuck.
- No, no! - What? I just want a cup.
No, man, it's like a massive game of Jenga.
If you remove that, man, the whole lot could go.
(Nick) Mm! - Ooh! - Yes! Oh, my God.
- What's that? - Oh, that's, er my toenail.
For God's sake, all I want is a cup of cocoa.
Why does this place have to be such a madhouse? Well, you know what they say, Dad.
The fish stinks from the head.
- So what have you got in your speech? - Leave it, I'm working on it.
- Ah, a picture of a rabbit.
- It's not a rabbit.
It's a hare.
- What's his name? - It hasn't got a name.
Hoppy.
So someone finally asked you to be their best man.
Yes.
And I'm gonna do it properly, OK? I'm gonna write the wedding speeches, coordinate with ushers - Throw a really wild stag night - Ye Don't tell me, you've got a stag party planning business.
As a matter of fact, I do.
It's a start-up company, starting now.
Gonna call it Stag Nation.
Thanks.
Richard doesn't want a stag night.
It's the whole point in getting married.
Not the whole point.
Although it is pretty much downhill after that.
Exactly.
It's the groom's last glimpse of daylight before the lid is screwed down.
- It's got to be wild, debauched, illegal.
- And expensive.
Now you're talking my language.
I need a down payment, driving licence and credit card.
You couldn't organise a stag party in a deer park.
Hey, I'm a professional.
Your company started two minutes ago.
And I've never had any complaints.
You're planning a stag night.
Yes.
(Laughs) - Sorry, you find that amusing? - What do you know about stag nights? Quite a lot, actually, as I recall.
OK? When I woke up, from mine, I was naked with my body hair shaved.
In hospital.
Your appendix had burst.
It doesn't sound fun when you put it like that, but I can organise a stag night.
What have you got planned? Shadow puppets and bird calls? No.
Thought we'd start off at the carvery for a nice meal.
And then what? Pudding.
Or cheeseboard.
Who knows? Ooh, well, then, I won't expect you back until at least, ooh, nine, 9:30? Hey, I'll show you how to organise a stag night! No, no, describe it, it'll help me sleep.
Sorry about the dish crisis, Nick.
What do you mean? Never mind.
I just want Mum to learn her lesson.
How to live with a pig? I taught her that years ago.
No, that I'm not her little Forget it, you don't know what it's like being Mum's favourite.
(Laughing) What? I'm her favourite, you you Johnny-come-lately.
Mum's always loved me the best.
Well, there's a big difference between love and pity.
Oh, no there isn't.
Phew.
You had me going there for a second.
No, you know I mean, Mum likes you, you know, don't get me wrong.
But you haven't learnt how the game is played.
First of all, never, ever confront the mother directly.
You have to shift her attention to the father.
I believe in tackling issues head-on.
The coward's way out.
No, this madness will have to stop soon cos it's not the kind of service I expected when I agreed to move back home.
Sorry, it's a matter of principle.
- What if I paid you to do it? - How much? - How much can you lend me? - Forget it.
What about if I arm-wrestle you for it, eh? - OK.
- Easy.
Oh! That's cool.
Best out of three.
Oh! - Four out of seven.
- One out of nine? - Deal.
- Washing-up liquid's over there.
(Sighs) Hello, Judith.
Firstly, it's Judas and, secondly, I am not betraying anyone.
Did you or did you not agree to be my father's best man? Little bit.
And did you or did you not agree to throw my father's stag do? In a in a way.
You are the most tactless, heartless and something-else-less man I have ever met.
When you've had your little cry, could I have a list of your father's friends so I know who to invite? - (Door slams) - OK.
(# Cartoon music on TV) - Oi.
Women, eh? - Mmm, tell me about it.
I think we need five of them.
Two lap dancers, one pole dancer, a bunny girl and a stripper in a cake.
Nick, I don't need your help.
OK.
What have you got so far? - All right, I need your help.
- Great.
Here's what I've been thinking of.
Naked ladies.
Ooh.
But that's all you ever think about.
Yeah, I know but this time they're sculpted out of pate.
Wild boar, chicken liver, and a terrine of courgettes for our vegetarian friends.
- Now for the music - I don't want music.
Get the two surviving Beatles What? Nick, I'm not paying for lap dancing, pate or Ringo Starr, with or without the other one.
I think I could do you the whole night for - 3,000 quid.
- 3,000 quid? OK, 4,000.
- 300? - Nick, I'll give you 200 quid and that's it.
T T Two hundred quid.
You won't get a beautiful girl jumping out of a cake for that price.
You'll be lucky to get an ugly bird eating a scone.
One who looks good from a distance with no scone? Fine.
Now, venue (Abi) I hate my father! What are you doing? Every once in a while I like to give them a proper scrubbing.
(Spits) You know, your breath does smell lemony fresh.
Look, Abi, you can't get angry with your father because he's getting married again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
It's not just because he's getting married, it's because he's a thoughtless pig.
Although, pigs do think quite a lot.
I hear they're cleverer than dolphins.
They can't swim as well, though.
Look, Abi, you are an adult now, theoretically, and your father is not your problem any more.
He's Gina Beresford's problem.
And that's my problem, we went to school together.
- She's not your age? - No.
She's three years younger.
Oh, God, this is starting to sound like Emmerdale.
- I bet the wedding's next week.
- How do you know? Half term.
That's it.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
- You're not gonna go to the wedding? - Not me, sister.
I'm not pandering to the bimbo youth culture that delegates any woman over 40 to the dung heap of of dung! Yeah.
I was just gonna say that.
We'll stay at home and celebrate on our own, just the two of us.
Is this gonna involve looking at our "inner selves" with mirrors and singing I Am Woman? I hadn't thought of that.
- Ben, I need to talk to you.
- In a minute.
I'm on the last page.
Huh! You did that deliberately.
Do you have any idea how old Richard's fiancee is? - Only guessing, younger than you? - She's 18.
Wow.
- Try again.
- That's really terrible.
I mean it.
Why do middle-aged men feel the need to run away from mature women? Because you eat our books? Susan, stop! I love mature women.
I love They're like You're like a fine wine.
A ripe cheese.
I don't mean smelly, and I definitely don't mean you've got blue veins, OK? - What are you trying to say? - What do you want me to say? - As little as possible.
- Susan, I love you.
- Isn't that enough? - No.
- Thought not.
- I want you to cancel the stag night.
What? Can't order me to cancel.
I am a best man, you are an ordinary woman.
I outrank you.
- I just won't respect you if you don't.
- You don't respect me anyway.
This is about more than just a stupid stag night.
Of course it is, it's about me and how I'll look.
Fine.
Enjoy your book.
So this is some party! Party! This is no party.
Look at it.
There's no food, no booze, and - bizarrely enough, no music.
- Don't worry, Ben.
If things slow down, I've always got my balloon animals.
Can you guess what this will become? A rectal thermometer.
When I said not to make an effort, I didn't expect you to take me literally.
Come on, Richard.
We don't want to peak too early.
There's a lot more to come.
We've got got erm (Squeaking) Excuse me for one minute.
(Wheezing and hacking) Nick, Nick, what's going on? - What do you mean? - All we've got so far is 24 sausage rolls and a case of Lucozade.
Oi, oi, that venue was the best the money can buy.
I gave you L500, Nick.
Not that money! Don't worry, Dad.
You should see the stripper I got.
Yeah, I know I should.
Where is she? In the cake.
Where's the cake? - I'll get back to you.
- Nick! - Don't worry, I'll track her down.
- What do I do in the meantime? Mingle.
Richard, what are you doing? You can't leave.
(Laughs) I don't know how to put this.
This is the worst stag party I've ever had.
And I've had five.
And one was in prison.
Things are looking up, made the top five.
Richard, please, don't go.
I've sacrificed everything.
Abi and Susan won't talk to me again.
- That makes three of us.
- Guys, don't argue.
That's just the Lucozade talking.
Yes, come on Rich.
Yes, yes! Hey, sorry, sorry, gentlemen, to interrupt the merriment, but there's plenty more entertainment on the way, ha-ha! But first, why don't we all, you know, share some stories about our main guest of honour, the dude, Mr Richard "Ricky" Harper, ha! Yes, sir.
So this isn't the West London annual pipe smokers' convention? No.
Next door.
Sorry.
Er, thank you.
Oh, well.
Quality is more important than quantity.
Quality? - Where did Ben find these people? - It wasn't Ben, it was Abi.
That would explain the guest list.
That's my barber.
My carpet layer.
- My urologist.
- (Roger) Gosh.
I hope my stag night's as good as this one.
- To hell with the stag night! - Yeah.
We're having a hen night! Hen night.
Why are women always referred to as birds? Hens.
Chicks.
Emus.
What? I had a boyfriend who called me his little emu.
That's awful.
You should've seen the costume.
You're not an emu.
We are swans.
Graceful, elegant (Belches) swans.
What is that expression about mixing drinks? Wine before beer and then some more wine again.
No, I don't think that's it.
Well, I'm always drunk when I hear it.
Oh, I've got it, I've got it.
Many a mickle mucks a mackerel.
All right! Michael! Ohhh, you're sooo cute! You're sooo drunk.
Let me get your chequebook.
Michael, come here, come here, come here.
All men are pigs! I just came down to get some juice.
Here's another one.
You can't make an omelette cos you can't cook.
Neither can you.
(Both laughing) Red sky at night, drink up.
(Giggles) He who laughs laughs laughs laughs.
Age before beauty.
What's that supposed to mean? Doesn't mean anything.
It's philosophy.
Oh, really? What does youth have that maturity doesn't? - Nothing.
- Mmm, it's just bouncier.
Emergency, emergency, you've gotta help.
The strip club have sent the cake to the party but they've sent the stripper to a wake in Woking.
Oh, so sorry to hear about that.
Boo-hoo.
If you can't trust a company called Sleazer's Palace, who can you trust? Abi, it's your job, you have to do it.
(Laughs) I ain't jumping out of a cake at me father's stag do.
My reputation as a good party planner is on the line, and I've only had it a day.
- Michael.
- You must be joking.
- No one'll notice, they'll all be drunk.
- I won't be.
Play your cards right, you might get lucky.
This is the perfect example of what I was talking about.
- Yes.
- Mm.
What were you talking about? That a man would sooner ask a teenage boy or, or an emu girl, to jump out of a cake, rather than a mature woman to jump out of a cake.
(Screeching) Now for the great crested pigmy peewit.
- Dear God, no! - (Whistling) - Psst! Psst! - Ah! But enough of the nature part of the evening, and now for some real entertainment, ha-ha! (Mouths) But while we're waiting, would you all please welcome, - the eye-popping menagerie of rubber! - Ah! More like it.
Roger Bailey.
- Nick, what's going on? - Just checking now.
So what is your location at the moment? How the hell should I know? I'm inside a cake! - Mr Harper party? - It's a complete disaster, so obviously.
- Thanks for the invite.
- (Mobile phone) - Hello? - I don't think this is a good idea.
- You can't back down now! - I'm claustrophobic, I'm freezing, - and I have to pee.
- That's not part of the act, is it? And look who's come to meet Gerry the giraffe.
Why, it's Priscilla the poodle! (Man) Come here! Harper, I want that money.
Can't we come to an arrangement? We have one.
You bought the car, you pay for it.
Come on, now, we're all adults here.
You popped my hat! You fiend! Oh, thank God! Attention, everyone! It is no good, she won't come out.
- What? - Actors! Listen, you, you've got to come out.
This party's a catastrophe.
(Sultry voice) Really? Look, I am the worst best man that ever lived.
I've been reduced to balloon animals and bird noises.
My wife was right, I am a complete failure.
I don't think she meant you were a complete failure.
Just a pompous ass.
All right, I'm a pompous ass.
Now, please, come out now! OK.
But be prepared for a big surprise.
Surpri Hello? Where are you? (Screams) Go on, get 'em off! Right, Ben, see you at the wedding.
- Nick! - Yes, Dad? I'll give you a ten-second start.
Oh, Michael.
It's beautiful.
Don't thank me - Nick did it.
He lost a bet.
Oh.
Still, you've learnt your lesson.
No, I haven't.
Well, at least it's done.
Let me give you a kiss.
No, but thanks anyway.
See ya.
Michael! Nick! Ben!