Scrubs s04e12 Episode Script

Almost there.
All the way from the parking lot.
I told you I could do it! Who's the idiot now? Despite my burning thighs, giving that piggyback ride was worth it because I'm sure it put him in a great mood.
- I'm in a worse mood.
- Why did I do it? Kelso's got this stupid outreach program where families are allowed to observe surgeries.
Yesterday, I had to do a bypass on this guy.
You should have seen that family Standing there emotionless.
Silently judging me.
And today I gotta do a colectomy on that guy.
What do you think his family's gonna be like? There's a tumour in there! - There's a tumour in there! - Don't go behind the kidney, brother! You didn't go to the black family yelling at the movie screen stereotype, did you? Like a bear to honey.
I was supposed to be downstairs ten minutes ago to talk to pre-med students about what it's like to be a doctor.
Don't worry.
I gotcha.
Buckle up, buddy.
Hell, yeah! Hey, kids, I'm Dr Dorian.
I'm sure you have lots of questions, so let's get started.
So basically, it's a topical application consisting of equal parts triethanolamine and phenyl dimethicone.
I suggest applying it twice a day for extra hold, OK? Here's a sample tube, Reuben.
Excellent query.
OK, then.
Anybody else? Reuben again.
What was your best moment in medicine? I'd say my best moment was probably my second year, New Year's eve.
A young pregnant woman could barely make it to the hospital.
She had her baby right there on the ramp.
You know, that's my first grandchild.
Did you deliver him? No, I didn't.
But I did watch.
And I am a doctor.
And you look amazing! So even though Dr Mickhead actually delivered the kid yours truly rang in the new year with grandma.
We had sex.
That's how I do it.
That was your best moment? I totally get it.
Older ladies know how to work it.
OK.
Now you're in a bit of a pickle, cos the older lady you're talking about better not be me and it sure as hell better not be somebody else.
- So, what do you have to say? - Your favourite jeans are too tight.
- They look ridiculous.
- What? I'm in trouble anyway, and it needed to be said.
Unfortunately for you, that's not true.
Right? Wow.
I'll tell you what my best moment in medicine was.
Damn! We lost him.
- Call it.
- I'm not giving up on this guy.
- Prop his hand up.
- What? I said prop his hand up! That's right.
The miracle five.
- You take this one, Perry.
- Great moment, dumb ass.
Starts with a profound misunderstanding of how the human body works and winds up with you shattering some old man's hand.
Oh, yeah.
Know what'd be neat? If you took a second and thought about what your best moment in medicine was.
It would have been neat.
There's nothing sadder than a young guy checking into the hospital during holidays.
I think I'll tell Elliot that.
Nothing sadder than a young guy checking into the hospital on the holidays.
Hi.
That's my dad.
Except that.
And that.
I've been so tired.
Yesterday, when the little man and I were wrestling - He dropped me in ten seconds.
- I got him with a power kick.
Hey! You brought Tyler a new ice-cream cone.
Sure.
Thanks.
It's a waffle cone.
So, Mr Milligan, it turns out you have a pretty serious case of mono.
Don't you get that from kissing? There are other ways you can get it.
Dr Cox.
Hold that thought, Newbie.
One, two, three, four.
My new thing is to count just exactly how many people in any given room can kick your ass.
- And in here, the number is four.
- Five, if you count Mrs Cross.
The other day she went off her meds.
Slammed him with a tray.
She came outta nowhere! Am I gonna get out of here in time for Christmas? Tyler's mom isn't around anymore and I'd hate to ship him off to his grandparents'.
You'll beat Santa home.
I promise.
Phyllis, outside.
What the hell was that? That's one more point for Mrs Cross.
But let's see how she enjoys her beloved hard candy without her choppers.
Newbie, you never promise a patient that they're gonna be fine.
Mr Milligan? His blood pressure's low.
He just has mono.
For God's sakes.
Take a look around, would you? What's the difference between your Mr Milligan and every other patient in this ICU? If the answer to that question is that he's the only one young enough to have never made a phone call like this: Hello? Operatah, gimme Stuywesant 45-45-45 then you would be right.
But since I'm not in the mood to make some big, dramatic, sweeping statement I'll just tell you this: God hates doctors.
He truly does.
You see all these old people in here? Any of them'd give about anything to be able to sashay off this planet.
But most are gonna stay and live forever and ever and ever.
And your Mr Milligan Well, it turns out he's just young enough to die.
I mean, think about it.
It's the holidays.
There's a sweet little kid involved.
- Can't you just feel it? - I did feel it.
I knew what Carla was gonna say before she said it.
- Mr Milligan is unconscious.
- Let's go.
Think of your best moment in medicine.
Thanks for taking care of me, ma'am.
If there is ever any way that I can hook you up, you just call me at work.
Don't worry about it.
So, what do you do? I raise and breed ponies.
Ponies! Come on, Thunder! Can't be late for rounds again.
Let's go.
Giddyap.
Hey, would you keep an eye on Tyler here while we take care of his dad? Hi! Yeah.
I'm not that great with kids.
They've got such tiny hands.
It's creepy.
I'm leaving now.
My dad's in the ICU.
- What does that mean? - That stands for Intensive Care Unit.
It's where we put patients who need extra care like somebody who needs help breathing cos their lung collapsed, or they had a brain aneurysm Which is when a vessel ruptures, and then blood pours into the You know what? Forget it.
Wanna see someone worse off than your dad? - We call him "The head in the bed.
" - OK.
His cultures are back.
He's not septic.
- Start him on dopamine.
- Done.
- Scan his head.
- Ordered it.
- I'd give Mrs Cross her teeth back.
- That I will not do! Hey, J.
D.
Turns out Mr Milligan doesn't have insurance.
Dr Kelso said once he's stable, we have to bounce him to county.
Sorry.
Turk! If you go talk to Kelso for me, I'll give you special Christmas gum.
This is actually Mrs Cross's medicated denture gum so you have to sell it with your eyes.
Sell it OK.
Think of your best moment in medicine.
- So I said, "I can't do it on my own.
" - Excuse me, sir.
A man just fainted over there.
Are you a doctor? Not this weekend, son.
Another Bahama Mama, please.
Easy on the Bahama.
Heavy on the Mama.
How you doing? Dr Kelso, I know you told Carla to bounce Mr Milligan to county but it's Christmas, so What do you say? I'd say get me a 3-T form.
What's that? That's tough titties, Turkelton.
Oh, God So what do you wanna be when you grow up? A baseball player.
I wanted to be a ballerina when I was little but according to my mom, six-year-olds with mild scoliosis and giant man feet aren't dancer material.
Joke's on her, cos I am currently waiting to hear if the St Martha's community theatre'll let me work lights for their production of the Nutcracker.
Can I have some chocolate milk? Here's a buck.
There's a vending machine right outside that door.
Dr Reid, could you sign this for me, please? Sure! So, what are you doing this weekend, Laverne? Minding my own business.
How 'bout you? Hopefully lighting the crap outta St Martha's auditorium.
Yippee.
Think of your best moment in medicine.
Damn! A little club soda will take that right out.
- Thanks, Carla.
- You're welcome, Doctor.
What's going on up there? Sorry.
I was thinking about the last time a doctor listened to me.
Sometimes I - Get the results of the scan? - Negative.
We're missing something in his history.
When he came in, Mr Milligan said he and his son'd been wrestling.
My God! He just might have goof-around-itis.
We should also check him for the silly-willies.
It's OK.
They're just stressed out.
Anytime a doctor disrespects me, I respond with a little note.
Worth it.
Are you swanning this guy? I don't need you checking on me every five seconds.
I have as much medical expertise as anyone.
Now, what exactly is swanning? - What? - I'm kidding! Enough back-seat doctoring.
I got this.
Why does it seem like every time I take a stand - Everything turns to crap? - I gave that kid money and sent him outside.
Now I can't find him.
- I'm sorry, what? - Kelso said no insurance.
Gotta stabilise the guy then bounce him.
- You gotta be kidding me.
- In ten minutes none of this is gonna matter cos this guy's circling the drain.
Why are you sick? I can't figure this out.
Maybe if we tried stress-dose steroids.
I'll tell Cox that.
I can't figure this out.
Maybe if we tried stress-dose steroids We can fill a syringe with false promises and inject him with that.
You got that covered.
Try and discourage me, cos kites fly highest against wind.
- What? - I'm a kite! I'm a big, beautiful kite.
Fly! I wonder if Mr Milligan could've received blunt trauma - without realising it.
- Wrestling.
Remember? He said his kid dropped him with a power kick.
Kids kick pretty hard.
Maybe he ruptured his spleen.
Get a stat abdominal CT.
Great catch there, Carla.
Thank you.
Think of your best moment in medicine.
You can do this, Dr Turk.
OK! Time! Well, it's official.
Dr Turk is now the fastest appendectomy in the hospital.
In your face, Dr Beardface! It's Beardfacé! - What the hell are you doing? - I got gummed.
Turns out Mr Milligan has a ruptured spleen.
We're prepping him for surgery in room "C.
" That's the room where the family gets to observe.
- So? - You don't understand.
When I operate, I don't see a person, I see a machine with parts - And circuits that need replacing.
- You think you're a robot mechanic? As a surgeon, the more detached I am, the more focused.
It's pretty impossible to feel focused or detached when this guy's family's watching every move I make! I wouldn't worry about that.
Mr Milligan only has a son, and Elliot lost him.
Awesome! For me.
For me.
- Is that fun? - No, son.
It's work.
But this body didn't happen by accident.
Well, you know what I think is fun? Baseball.
My son is a big baseball fan.
Not so much playing it, but more the designing and sewing of uniforms.
That's neat.
No, it's not.
Maybe we can play catch sometime.
I hope so, young man.
Thank God, Tyler! There you are.
Sorry, Dr Kelso.
This is Mr Milligan's son.
Come on, Tyler.
Thought you were gonna get Yoo-Hoo and come right back.
- Hi.
- Mabel, this is Bob Kelso.
What say we juggle some things and see if we can't free ride Mr Milligan financially for a while, OK? - Is this really Bob Kelso? - Yes, this is really Bob Kelso! Don't run off on me again, Tyler.
Sorry.
I got scared.
When I get scared, I hide.
- I know it's stupid.
- It's not stupid.
Wanna know where I used to hide when I used to get scared? This closet here.
And the one on the second floor.
There was this broken MRI machine down in the basement.
It was like my own private cocoon.
You really got scared? Yeah! Everybody does here at first.
Check this out.
Cool.
Hang in there, Steve.
In school, they never teach you how to deal with death Steve'll be stronger if he gets through this on his own.
So How did you stop being scared? I just realised that people here need me to be brave.
Just like your dad needs you to be brave for his operation.
Can I hold his hand? They're not, actually, very big on that.
- Can I at least watch? - Are you sure? - Get it together, Steve! - I'm trying! All right.
Let's do this! Come on! Think of your best moment in medicine.
Come here.
Here you go.
Here you go! Let's see anybody else make that shot! Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Carla, have you seen Newbie? Oh, he got off your leash? Give me a break.
The kid's like a He's like a Have you ever seen a drunk baby? It's a long story involving my son, rum cake, and a low counter.
Suffice to say that it turns out, at first it's endearing to watch them bounce off of the walls but man, you take your eyes off them for one second and Bam! They got a bucket on their head and they're ploughing through your new flat-screen TV.
God save me, it was barely out of the box.
The point is that Newbie is my drunk baby.
He figured out that spleen thing.
Get off his case.
I would love to get off his case.
In fact, nothing would make me happier than to watch him walk into a patient's room and not feel that I have to run in after him and check on everything.
- You wanna know what I think? - No.
I think you know how good a doctor J.
D.
is, and whether you admit it or not, you have a personal stake in his future.
So don't pretend that all this attention you throw at him is for him, cos it's also for you.
As your friend, I'm telling you that if you want him to keep grow you ought to back off once in a while.
- Carla - Don't say anything cos you know I'm right, and my jeans do look good.
God, I hate Christmas.
I really do.
Hey, Elliot Can I talk to you in private? Parlez-Vous Français? I did learn a little when my high school class went to France but that was stuff to pick up chicks.
Turk What? Can I please stay? Yeah, kid, you can stay.
Dr Turk? Thanks.
None of us wanted to say what we were thinking How vulnerable we felt.
So we all stood around, pretended to work and waited for someone to come through that door and tell us how this was gonna end.
Who's the man? We still got a lotta work to do.
Turk, check the post-op films in radiology.
Carla, we'll transfuse back to a haemoglobin of ten.
Elliot, take Tyler and get us all ice cream immediately? I'm gonna check on him.
You wanna come? No.
No, you got it.
It's amazing how one patient can affect so many people.
Dr Dorian, what was your best moment in medicine? My best moment.
Well, there was this guy He had the most amazing little kid And the doctors actually listened to me.
But I knocked the surgery right out the park.
And I decided to pull some strings for the guy Honest to God, I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it myself, but Newbie handled the whole thing.
Wire to wire.
And I kept my promise.
Because the two of them got home in time for Christmas.
And that was my best moment in medicine.