Son of a Critch (2022) s04e12 Episode Script
Party on Wheels
1
♪
And this is it.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Despite
losing half his stuff
in a divorce, Fox's soon-to-be step-dad
had a pretty impressive pad.
Whoa.
Sweet pad.
I don't wanna friggin' house-sit.
It's just for one night.
Paul rented us a cabin
out in Terra Nova.
Ooh, a national park!
- Yeah.
- Classy.
You just gotta pop on by,
water a few plants, feed the fish.
- Easy!
- Pfft. [KNOCKS ON TANK]
No, no, no! Do not touch!
You'll scare the eel.
Please.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): A slightly
less cardboard version of Paul.
PAUL: Here we have the
high-def 50-inch colour TV,
with surround sound system.
Of course, we've gotta have that.
PAUL: Five CD carousel, dual cassette,
and a 14-channel graphic equalizer.
I have a Mickey Mouse
record player, myself,
but uh, I am in the market
Ah don't touch.
Nothing.
Not even the light switches, okay?
[CLAPS]
[GIGGLES]
- [GASPS]
- [CLAPS]
[GASPS] You have the Clapper?
Fox, your new house is awesome.
I'm not living here.
Yeah, I don't see how you could.
Three bedrooms, and one's a weight room,
and the other's a storage
room for the weights.
So, I mean, not a lot of space
for a soon-to-be family
of six and a pet eel.
SUZANNE: Well, this is
all just temporary anyway.
After the wedding, we're
gonna look for a bigger spot
where we can all be together, right?
- That's the plan.
- Uh-huh.
This is just the show home, so
I don't really own it.
We can't stay here, babe!
Well, listen here, "babe," don't
Don't worry about this place!
Right? Because we'd love to help.
No. Just Fox.
No guests.
We don't want another New Year's.
PAUL: One little trick
with the plants
You just wanna use
one ice cube at a time,
and that way [SMACKS LIPS]
you don't over-water 'em.
Would you like to try?
I think I got it.
[CLAPPING]
No, Fox, my seizures!
[SUZANNE SIGHS]
POP: Three fifty.
Right, I've done my part.
Well, just read the
instructions again, will ya?
"Drop pork chop into shaker bag."
"Shake
Then bake."
Think you can manage that?
I have good news!
You're gonna make supper?
The Kareer Kollege found me a work term!
Oh
I'm gonna be giving
tours at a historic site!
Atta' girl, Mary! What's the pay like?
Well, it's a work term,
which they say is a "course upgrade,"
so I'll have to pay a small fee,
but, well, once I do, I get to graduate!
Wow! Well, let's celebrate
with a nice home-cooked meal, hmm?
Mmm, I have to study the guide book.
I start tomorrow!
[GIGGLES]
Save me a pork chop!
I'll eat later.
- It's not that hard.
- Ah
And shake.
POP: Oh, boy
We're gonna starve to death.
The Party Wagon?
Fresh from my car lot.
I just bought it from myself.
Okay, here's the plan:
Amanda here, dressed up as Logo Girl,
drives around and picks
up lucky listeners.
Then she drops 'em off down to
Benders Bar on George Street,
which I also just bought.
Buck a beer all night.
You win to get in!
Mike, you broadcast the entire thing.
We establish Magic 97 as
the station to get primed to
and Benders as the
prime spot to get loaded.
Deadly, wha?
AMANDA: Yeah.
Deadly.
DICK: Mr. Bartlett, sir
She's a dandy-lookin' rig, but
drivin' around a bunch'a
drunks sounds like trouble.
The trouble with trouble,
Dick, is people love trouble.
AMANDA: No, I get it.
We're promoting Magic 97 while
helping curb drunk driving.
Win-win.
And you're loading up your new bar
with a bunch 'a drunk college kids.
Win-win-win.
Sure you're okay with this?
[SCOFFS] I'm a big girl.
So's he.
You got pluck.
You're going places, missy.
You're goin' places!
Yeah Goin' to hell.
Uh guess I'll see you tonight.
Relax, Dick.
Amanda can take care of herself.
She's part Dunphy.
♪
Your step-dad has an eel?
- Lucky!
- He's not my friggin' step-dad.
Yet.
I mean, Paul gave you
a key, so he trusts you.
I mean, that's something, right?
BRAD: Listen up!
My folks cancelled their vacation
so there's no party tonight.
[CROWD GROANS AND MUTTERS]
I know, it sucks. Pass it on.
Hey, uh, what's going on?
Every year there's a grade
10 end-of-year blow-out party.
Brad was gonna host this year
'cause his parents
were going on vacation,
but they just cancelled
their trip because his mom
caught his dad cheating.
So party's off.
Well, I'd be more disappointed
if I were actually invited, but
Neither was I, so
whatever.
Grade 10's!
Shut up!
The party's moved to 1
Strawberry Tree Crescent.
8 pm, uh
No parents around,
so I'll see you there.
[CROWD EXCLAIMING]
MARK: Fox That's Paul's place!
Yeah, so?
MIKE SR: What's that smell?
[KETTLE HISSING]
Good God!
Ah, Jesus!
[KETTLE CLATTERS]
[HISSING NOISE]
You let the kettle boil dry!
The bottom's black!
What? I-I just put that on.
Well didn't I?
What is all the racket about?
Pop almost burned the bloody house down!
POP: Oh, the kettle's faulty.
I smell a lawsuit.
Good God, Mary. What
the hell do ya have on?
It's one of my costumes I gotta
wear for the historic site.
For my internship!
So I can graduate!
- Oh, right, yeah.
- Nice.
Suppose you want me to
go down there with ya
and take the tour and all that?
God, no! I'm nervous enough as it is!
The missus from the
college is gonna grade me.
It's okay.
You just stay the frig
home out of it, hmm?
MARY: See you later!
You are going, right?
She told me to stay home!
No, she said it was "okay."
Now, you remember when you were a kid
and you'd shag something up,
and I'd say, "Don't
worry, son, it's okay"?
Well, it wasn't!
I'll call a cab.
Ah. Good.
I'll come with you.
We need a new kettle.
Alright. I think that's it.
Yeah, um
Listen, Mike, I
I'm going with ya.
Dick, she can handle herself.
I'm not letting me
daughter do this alone.
You don't let me do anything.
I do what I want.
But, fine.
I'll let you drive while I work the mic.
Dandy!
This'll make up for all the drives
I never got to give
you when you was small.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, uh, what were you gonna say?
Uh it's nothing.
We'll talk later.
I gotta go be a superhero.
[MIKE GASPS]
[ROCK MUSIC]
Fox! Look, you can't throw this party.
Watch me.
But it's not your place!
And it it's so last-minute, right?
You'd need a punch, light snacks,
maybe a dip of some kind
Okay, relax, will ya?
It's not a big deal.
It's just a few grade 10's, okay?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): We had our own forms
of social media back then
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
[PHONE RINGS]
[INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION]
♪
[INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): And
Fox's party went viral
back when viral was just the flu.
Yes, b'y!
♪
Hey.
So, I've been thinking,
and you're right.
[EXHALES] Thank God.
Look, there's no shame in cancelling.
I'm not cancelling the party.
What was I right about?
Being last-minute.
Look, I need your help getting ready.
Like, now.
You mean pip off?
No, I have theatre arts!
God, don't be a wuss.
My art is my life.
Mr. Lewis always says that
[ROCK STING]
I think people prefer the
soft cheezies to the hard.
Good thinking. Come on.
[FLUTE MUSIC]
[FIRE CRACKLES]
Oh, 'ello, 'ello!
I didn't see you there!
Oh, I've no time for gawkers!
I am starting supper
for the lord and the lady
of the house, I am.
Oh, bakin' the bread, making fish,
peelin' potatoes
Well, such is the
life of a scullery maid
in 1830's Newfoundland.
Which is right now.
Oh
I makes the tea, I do!
POP: Well, mind that kettle.
They've been known to boil dry!
MIKE SR: Shut up, will ya?
MARY: Um Oh, look
at the time! Oh, the
Oh, the lady of the
house will be back soon.
You crowd should move on.
She doesn't like landlubbers
lollygaggin' about, hmm?
LINDA: Don't mind me, Mary.
Just pretend I'm not even here.
What the frig are ya doing?
Yeah, I tried to stop him,
but you know what he's like.
I just wanted to show ya some support.
I have worked too hard for
you to shag this up for me!
Stay in the back and
keep yer mouths shut.
POP: Ah
- [METAL CLINKS]
- This is a nice one. Heh.
Give me that!
MIKE JR: And it's time
to check in with Logo Girl
at the Magic 97 Party Wagon.
[ROCK MUSIC]
AMANDA: [RADIO] It's Logo
Girl, comin' at you live
from the Magic 97 Party Wagon!
We've got our first
lucky listeners on board,
and they're headed to Benders on George!
[PASSENGERS YELLING]
And what club are you guys going to?
All of 'em! We're on a pub crawl!
- Friggin' right!
- Woo!
But mostly Benders, right?
[INDISTINCT YELLING]
Hey, quit your shaggin' back there
or I'll turn this rig around!
- [CLICKS BUTTON]
- Alright!
Sounds like we've got
some happy winners!
Remember: drive safe, arrive alive.
Magic 97 cares.
[PEPPY MUSICAL STING]
I am so glad that's not me.
I wouldn't wanna be driving
around in a van full of drunks.
♪
[DOOR UNLATCHES]
FOX: Okay
Um, that needs something.
MARK: What are you doing?
It's just a splash. It's fine.
Okay, this is getting outta hand, okay?
Why are you doing this?
You're the one who told me
I should try and make more friends.
Geez.
No, I think you're
doing this out of spite.
Yeah, you're trying to
break your mom and Paul up,
subconsciously.
No, actually, I'm doing it consciously.
Paul's a dork.
Mom'd be better off without him.
That's not your call.
It's your mom's.
It's not too late to cancel.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
FOX: Now it's too late.
MARK: Ah
Sindhu. You're early.
SINDHU: Couldn't wait.
I'm ready to party. Woo!
[DIGNIFIED CHAMBER MUSIC]
- [SOMEONE CLEARS THROAT]
- What time is it?
Oh my, wherever is that maid?
Ooh!
Oh we have a dinner
with the governor tonight
and there's so much to be done.
I hope she's finished
peeling the potatoes.
Ah, such is the life
of an admiral's wife!
She's suckin' the life out of the place.
Do something.
Ask her a question.
Mike Critch, VOCM News.
Life must have been hard back then.
Uh, I mean, now.
Can you elaborate?
[QUIETLY] Mike!
Um
I mean, I do not understand you,
strange man from another time.
Hmm !
POP: Hmm? Oh
[CLAPPING]
POP: Jesus, give her a little sugar.
♪
[SIGHS]
[TECHNOTRONIC, "PUMP
UP THE JAM" PLAYING]
Pump up the jam, pump it up ♪
While your feet are stomping
and the jam is pumping ♪
Look ahead, the crowd is jumpin' ♪
PARTYGOER: Woo! [GIGGLES]
RITCHE: Paul has great toys!
Put that back!
Oh, don't listen to him.
Touch as much stuff as you can. See?
You're gonna leave prints!
Okay, why are you so worried?
I mean, these kids are lightweights.
My baby brother's more
on the go than this crowd.
BRAD: Heyyy!
[DOOR CLOSES]
Let's party!
[CROWD CHEERING]
Okay, now can I worry?!
[BOOMING HOUSE MUSIC]
♪
Pump up the jam ♪
Pump it up while your
feet are stomping ♪
Guys, come on! Just use a coaster!
[LAUGHTER AND INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[MARK GASPS]
Can you turn down the music?
Okay, we need to get people to leave.
I'm in a groove!
They love me!
[CROWD CHEERING]
♪
It needs more booze.
Do not do that!
PARTYGOER: Come on.
♪
Oh, Sindhu!
Can you stop them from
tapping on the fish tank?
No problem!
Shoo, shoo, shoo!
[VOMITING]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Well
at least the fish got fed.
[CROWD CHEERING]
SILVER FOX: This is Paul's house!
What the frig is goin' on?
FOX: What does it look
like? I'm throwing a party!
This is cracked! There
are big kids here.
But you're like 40.
You are!
This is Paul's place.
Yeah, so? Paul's a dick!
Yeah, but he's Mom's dick.
What ?
You're going to ruin this for her!
You're supposed to be the
smart one in the family.
Come on.
Childish.
Fox, your brothers are
Hold on, okay?
♪
♪
What are you doing?
Nothin'.
Just looking around.
Yeah, have at it, okay?
No, Fox! Enough is enough. You two, out!
Now!
Please?
[MUSIC THUDDING DOWNSTAIRS]
The music is too loud, okay,
Sindhu threw up in the fish tank,
the punch is double-spiked,
and those two
were about to do it in Paul's bed.
Look, let's call it a night!
♪
♪
MARK: That's a nice picture of your mom.
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
I think he really likes her.
I mean
he keeps her photo on his nightstand.
Pop keeps Nan's on his.
And I have yours on mine.
♪
I mean
like, he's a massive dork, but
I think he really does
really like my mom.
And that's something, right?
Yeah.
- [GLASS BREAKS DOWNSTAIRS]
- [CROWD CHEERING]
God, I'll never get them out.
We can't
But I know somebody who can.
[MUSIC THUDDING DOWNSTAIRS]
[DIALLING]
[LINE RINGING]
And now we're checking
in with Logo Girl,
in the all-new Magic 97 Party Wagon!
[PASSENGERS SNORING]
AMANDA: Well, Mike, we have some more
lucky listeners who are
comin' from an office party.
And boy, are they excited.
Woooo !
Woooo!
[LAUGHS]
God, I hates this.
What am I doing?
We're experiencing
technical difficulties, Mike.
Check in later.
MIKE: [RADIO] Okay.
Drive safe, Dick.
I don't feel like a superhero.
MIKE JR: We'll be right back.
DICK: [OVER HEADSET] You okay?
AMANDA: [OVER HEADSET]
I just feel stupid.
I wanna do more than
driving around drunks.
I want to be a real reporter.
There is this journalism
course on the mainland
that I wanted to take, but
So do it.
If I had your brains,
I'd throw mine away.
AMANDA: [ON HEADSET] I don't
have the heart to tell Mike.
- [BUTTON CLICKS]
- You just did.
Oh my God
Mike, I'm so sorry.
No. No, no, no, don't don't be.
Look, you have to follow your dream.
I'm I'm already living mine.
It's just, um
it's a bit smaller than yours.
But what about us?
They have phones, you know?
And I do take long-distance dedications.
Ah, I gotta pull over.
My eyes is fogged up.
[MILITARY FLUTE MUSIC]
[IN LOW VOICE] Listen up, men.
You've been caught deserting.
And the last man I caught
ended up in the stocks.
They say that his spirit
walks these floors
and on a cold, cold night
you still feel the icy grip
- Ah
- [WOMAN SHRIEKS]
POP: Sorry, sorry. I, uh
I-I was just looking for the pisser.
[LAUGHTER]
Mike!
I'm sorry, Mary.
It's just you're always supporting me.
I just wanted to be there for you.
I love you for that.
But the next time you
want to support me,
could you please stay
the frig home out of it?
Yeah.
LINDA: Mary?
The use of the old man to
stir emotion in the tour group?
Nice touch.
What old man? Wha ?
Congratulations, you've
earned your certificate
of Hospitality and Tourism.
Oh!
Well done, Mary!
LINDA: Yes, well done, well done, yes.
MARY: Oh!
There's just the matter
of the hundred-dollar
course completion fee.
POP: Oh
What a rip-off.
[POLICE SIRENS]
Let's go!
Party's over!
Thanks for the tip, Mark.
MARK: Yeah, no problem, Officer Butt.
Happy to help.
Gonna have to confiscate
these beer for, uh,
proper disposal.
'Course.
RITCHE: They loved me.
[BOTTLES CLINKING]
♪
Thanks for this.
You know, I'm good at ruining parties.
It's a gift.
[CHUCKLES] Dork.
Ugh, it's a friggin' mess.
[CAR STARTS OUTSIDE]
So, let's get at it.
♪
[CAR DRIVING OFF]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): When you're young,
life is one big party.
Even the clean-up can be fun
if you're with the right people.
[SOFT, EMOTIONAL MUSIC]
♪
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Though
sometimes you just need
to acknowledge when the party's over
REPORTER: [TV] In provincial news
MARY: Do it, do it, do it
Yeah!
POP: A-ha!
REPORTER: [TV] Students of
the Kareer Kollege arrived
at the school today only to
find the doors locked shut.
Linda Lahey, CEO and instructor,
has filed for bankruptcy protection.
Mary, cancel that cheque!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): And take the time
to put things back the way they were
- Baby
- [THEY KISS]
Everything's perfect.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Or replace
the things that got broken
Hmm
BRAD: And then the cops showed up!
I'm tellin' ya, best party ever!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): And
take pride in a year-ender
that was absolutely legendary.
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
And this is it.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Despite
losing half his stuff
in a divorce, Fox's soon-to-be step-dad
had a pretty impressive pad.
Whoa.
Sweet pad.
I don't wanna friggin' house-sit.
It's just for one night.
Paul rented us a cabin
out in Terra Nova.
Ooh, a national park!
- Yeah.
- Classy.
You just gotta pop on by,
water a few plants, feed the fish.
- Easy!
- Pfft. [KNOCKS ON TANK]
No, no, no! Do not touch!
You'll scare the eel.
Please.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): A slightly
less cardboard version of Paul.
PAUL: Here we have the
high-def 50-inch colour TV,
with surround sound system.
Of course, we've gotta have that.
PAUL: Five CD carousel, dual cassette,
and a 14-channel graphic equalizer.
I have a Mickey Mouse
record player, myself,
but uh, I am in the market
Ah don't touch.
Nothing.
Not even the light switches, okay?
[CLAPS]
[GIGGLES]
- [GASPS]
- [CLAPS]
[GASPS] You have the Clapper?
Fox, your new house is awesome.
I'm not living here.
Yeah, I don't see how you could.
Three bedrooms, and one's a weight room,
and the other's a storage
room for the weights.
So, I mean, not a lot of space
for a soon-to-be family
of six and a pet eel.
SUZANNE: Well, this is
all just temporary anyway.
After the wedding, we're
gonna look for a bigger spot
where we can all be together, right?
- That's the plan.
- Uh-huh.
This is just the show home, so
I don't really own it.
We can't stay here, babe!
Well, listen here, "babe," don't
Don't worry about this place!
Right? Because we'd love to help.
No. Just Fox.
No guests.
We don't want another New Year's.
PAUL: One little trick
with the plants
You just wanna use
one ice cube at a time,
and that way [SMACKS LIPS]
you don't over-water 'em.
Would you like to try?
I think I got it.
[CLAPPING]
No, Fox, my seizures!
[SUZANNE SIGHS]
POP: Three fifty.
Right, I've done my part.
Well, just read the
instructions again, will ya?
"Drop pork chop into shaker bag."
"Shake
Then bake."
Think you can manage that?
I have good news!
You're gonna make supper?
The Kareer Kollege found me a work term!
Oh
I'm gonna be giving
tours at a historic site!
Atta' girl, Mary! What's the pay like?
Well, it's a work term,
which they say is a "course upgrade,"
so I'll have to pay a small fee,
but, well, once I do, I get to graduate!
Wow! Well, let's celebrate
with a nice home-cooked meal, hmm?
Mmm, I have to study the guide book.
I start tomorrow!
[GIGGLES]
Save me a pork chop!
I'll eat later.
- It's not that hard.
- Ah
And shake.
POP: Oh, boy
We're gonna starve to death.
The Party Wagon?
Fresh from my car lot.
I just bought it from myself.
Okay, here's the plan:
Amanda here, dressed up as Logo Girl,
drives around and picks
up lucky listeners.
Then she drops 'em off down to
Benders Bar on George Street,
which I also just bought.
Buck a beer all night.
You win to get in!
Mike, you broadcast the entire thing.
We establish Magic 97 as
the station to get primed to
and Benders as the
prime spot to get loaded.
Deadly, wha?
AMANDA: Yeah.
Deadly.
DICK: Mr. Bartlett, sir
She's a dandy-lookin' rig, but
drivin' around a bunch'a
drunks sounds like trouble.
The trouble with trouble,
Dick, is people love trouble.
AMANDA: No, I get it.
We're promoting Magic 97 while
helping curb drunk driving.
Win-win.
And you're loading up your new bar
with a bunch 'a drunk college kids.
Win-win-win.
Sure you're okay with this?
[SCOFFS] I'm a big girl.
So's he.
You got pluck.
You're going places, missy.
You're goin' places!
Yeah Goin' to hell.
Uh guess I'll see you tonight.
Relax, Dick.
Amanda can take care of herself.
She's part Dunphy.
♪
Your step-dad has an eel?
- Lucky!
- He's not my friggin' step-dad.
Yet.
I mean, Paul gave you
a key, so he trusts you.
I mean, that's something, right?
BRAD: Listen up!
My folks cancelled their vacation
so there's no party tonight.
[CROWD GROANS AND MUTTERS]
I know, it sucks. Pass it on.
Hey, uh, what's going on?
Every year there's a grade
10 end-of-year blow-out party.
Brad was gonna host this year
'cause his parents
were going on vacation,
but they just cancelled
their trip because his mom
caught his dad cheating.
So party's off.
Well, I'd be more disappointed
if I were actually invited, but
Neither was I, so
whatever.
Grade 10's!
Shut up!
The party's moved to 1
Strawberry Tree Crescent.
8 pm, uh
No parents around,
so I'll see you there.
[CROWD EXCLAIMING]
MARK: Fox That's Paul's place!
Yeah, so?
MIKE SR: What's that smell?
[KETTLE HISSING]
Good God!
Ah, Jesus!
[KETTLE CLATTERS]
[HISSING NOISE]
You let the kettle boil dry!
The bottom's black!
What? I-I just put that on.
Well didn't I?
What is all the racket about?
Pop almost burned the bloody house down!
POP: Oh, the kettle's faulty.
I smell a lawsuit.
Good God, Mary. What
the hell do ya have on?
It's one of my costumes I gotta
wear for the historic site.
For my internship!
So I can graduate!
- Oh, right, yeah.
- Nice.
Suppose you want me to
go down there with ya
and take the tour and all that?
God, no! I'm nervous enough as it is!
The missus from the
college is gonna grade me.
It's okay.
You just stay the frig
home out of it, hmm?
MARY: See you later!
You are going, right?
She told me to stay home!
No, she said it was "okay."
Now, you remember when you were a kid
and you'd shag something up,
and I'd say, "Don't
worry, son, it's okay"?
Well, it wasn't!
I'll call a cab.
Ah. Good.
I'll come with you.
We need a new kettle.
Alright. I think that's it.
Yeah, um
Listen, Mike, I
I'm going with ya.
Dick, she can handle herself.
I'm not letting me
daughter do this alone.
You don't let me do anything.
I do what I want.
But, fine.
I'll let you drive while I work the mic.
Dandy!
This'll make up for all the drives
I never got to give
you when you was small.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, uh, what were you gonna say?
Uh it's nothing.
We'll talk later.
I gotta go be a superhero.
[MIKE GASPS]
[ROCK MUSIC]
Fox! Look, you can't throw this party.
Watch me.
But it's not your place!
And it it's so last-minute, right?
You'd need a punch, light snacks,
maybe a dip of some kind
Okay, relax, will ya?
It's not a big deal.
It's just a few grade 10's, okay?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): We had our own forms
of social media back then
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
[PHONE RINGS]
[INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION]
♪
[INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): And
Fox's party went viral
back when viral was just the flu.
Yes, b'y!
♪
Hey.
So, I've been thinking,
and you're right.
[EXHALES] Thank God.
Look, there's no shame in cancelling.
I'm not cancelling the party.
What was I right about?
Being last-minute.
Look, I need your help getting ready.
Like, now.
You mean pip off?
No, I have theatre arts!
God, don't be a wuss.
My art is my life.
Mr. Lewis always says that
[ROCK STING]
I think people prefer the
soft cheezies to the hard.
Good thinking. Come on.
[FLUTE MUSIC]
[FIRE CRACKLES]
Oh, 'ello, 'ello!
I didn't see you there!
Oh, I've no time for gawkers!
I am starting supper
for the lord and the lady
of the house, I am.
Oh, bakin' the bread, making fish,
peelin' potatoes
Well, such is the
life of a scullery maid
in 1830's Newfoundland.
Which is right now.
Oh
I makes the tea, I do!
POP: Well, mind that kettle.
They've been known to boil dry!
MIKE SR: Shut up, will ya?
MARY: Um Oh, look
at the time! Oh, the
Oh, the lady of the
house will be back soon.
You crowd should move on.
She doesn't like landlubbers
lollygaggin' about, hmm?
LINDA: Don't mind me, Mary.
Just pretend I'm not even here.
What the frig are ya doing?
Yeah, I tried to stop him,
but you know what he's like.
I just wanted to show ya some support.
I have worked too hard for
you to shag this up for me!
Stay in the back and
keep yer mouths shut.
POP: Ah
- [METAL CLINKS]
- This is a nice one. Heh.
Give me that!
MIKE JR: And it's time
to check in with Logo Girl
at the Magic 97 Party Wagon.
[ROCK MUSIC]
AMANDA: [RADIO] It's Logo
Girl, comin' at you live
from the Magic 97 Party Wagon!
We've got our first
lucky listeners on board,
and they're headed to Benders on George!
[PASSENGERS YELLING]
And what club are you guys going to?
All of 'em! We're on a pub crawl!
- Friggin' right!
- Woo!
But mostly Benders, right?
[INDISTINCT YELLING]
Hey, quit your shaggin' back there
or I'll turn this rig around!
- [CLICKS BUTTON]
- Alright!
Sounds like we've got
some happy winners!
Remember: drive safe, arrive alive.
Magic 97 cares.
[PEPPY MUSICAL STING]
I am so glad that's not me.
I wouldn't wanna be driving
around in a van full of drunks.
♪
[DOOR UNLATCHES]
FOX: Okay
Um, that needs something.
MARK: What are you doing?
It's just a splash. It's fine.
Okay, this is getting outta hand, okay?
Why are you doing this?
You're the one who told me
I should try and make more friends.
Geez.
No, I think you're
doing this out of spite.
Yeah, you're trying to
break your mom and Paul up,
subconsciously.
No, actually, I'm doing it consciously.
Paul's a dork.
Mom'd be better off without him.
That's not your call.
It's your mom's.
It's not too late to cancel.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
FOX: Now it's too late.
MARK: Ah
Sindhu. You're early.
SINDHU: Couldn't wait.
I'm ready to party. Woo!
[DIGNIFIED CHAMBER MUSIC]
- [SOMEONE CLEARS THROAT]
- What time is it?
Oh my, wherever is that maid?
Ooh!
Oh we have a dinner
with the governor tonight
and there's so much to be done.
I hope she's finished
peeling the potatoes.
Ah, such is the life
of an admiral's wife!
She's suckin' the life out of the place.
Do something.
Ask her a question.
Mike Critch, VOCM News.
Life must have been hard back then.
Uh, I mean, now.
Can you elaborate?
[QUIETLY] Mike!
Um
I mean, I do not understand you,
strange man from another time.
Hmm !
POP: Hmm? Oh
[CLAPPING]
POP: Jesus, give her a little sugar.
♪
[SIGHS]
[TECHNOTRONIC, "PUMP
UP THE JAM" PLAYING]
Pump up the jam, pump it up ♪
While your feet are stomping
and the jam is pumping ♪
Look ahead, the crowd is jumpin' ♪
PARTYGOER: Woo! [GIGGLES]
RITCHE: Paul has great toys!
Put that back!
Oh, don't listen to him.
Touch as much stuff as you can. See?
You're gonna leave prints!
Okay, why are you so worried?
I mean, these kids are lightweights.
My baby brother's more
on the go than this crowd.
BRAD: Heyyy!
[DOOR CLOSES]
Let's party!
[CROWD CHEERING]
Okay, now can I worry?!
[BOOMING HOUSE MUSIC]
♪
Pump up the jam ♪
Pump it up while your
feet are stomping ♪
Guys, come on! Just use a coaster!
[LAUGHTER AND INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[MARK GASPS]
Can you turn down the music?
Okay, we need to get people to leave.
I'm in a groove!
They love me!
[CROWD CHEERING]
♪
It needs more booze.
Do not do that!
PARTYGOER: Come on.
♪
Oh, Sindhu!
Can you stop them from
tapping on the fish tank?
No problem!
Shoo, shoo, shoo!
[VOMITING]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Well
at least the fish got fed.
[CROWD CHEERING]
SILVER FOX: This is Paul's house!
What the frig is goin' on?
FOX: What does it look
like? I'm throwing a party!
This is cracked! There
are big kids here.
But you're like 40.
You are!
This is Paul's place.
Yeah, so? Paul's a dick!
Yeah, but he's Mom's dick.
What ?
You're going to ruin this for her!
You're supposed to be the
smart one in the family.
Come on.
Childish.
Fox, your brothers are
Hold on, okay?
♪
♪
What are you doing?
Nothin'.
Just looking around.
Yeah, have at it, okay?
No, Fox! Enough is enough. You two, out!
Now!
Please?
[MUSIC THUDDING DOWNSTAIRS]
The music is too loud, okay,
Sindhu threw up in the fish tank,
the punch is double-spiked,
and those two
were about to do it in Paul's bed.
Look, let's call it a night!
♪
♪
MARK: That's a nice picture of your mom.
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
I think he really likes her.
I mean
he keeps her photo on his nightstand.
Pop keeps Nan's on his.
And I have yours on mine.
♪
I mean
like, he's a massive dork, but
I think he really does
really like my mom.
And that's something, right?
Yeah.
- [GLASS BREAKS DOWNSTAIRS]
- [CROWD CHEERING]
God, I'll never get them out.
We can't
But I know somebody who can.
[MUSIC THUDDING DOWNSTAIRS]
[DIALLING]
[LINE RINGING]
And now we're checking
in with Logo Girl,
in the all-new Magic 97 Party Wagon!
[PASSENGERS SNORING]
AMANDA: Well, Mike, we have some more
lucky listeners who are
comin' from an office party.
And boy, are they excited.
Woooo !
Woooo!
[LAUGHS]
God, I hates this.
What am I doing?
We're experiencing
technical difficulties, Mike.
Check in later.
MIKE: [RADIO] Okay.
Drive safe, Dick.
I don't feel like a superhero.
MIKE JR: We'll be right back.
DICK: [OVER HEADSET] You okay?
AMANDA: [OVER HEADSET]
I just feel stupid.
I wanna do more than
driving around drunks.
I want to be a real reporter.
There is this journalism
course on the mainland
that I wanted to take, but
So do it.
If I had your brains,
I'd throw mine away.
AMANDA: [ON HEADSET] I don't
have the heart to tell Mike.
- [BUTTON CLICKS]
- You just did.
Oh my God
Mike, I'm so sorry.
No. No, no, no, don't don't be.
Look, you have to follow your dream.
I'm I'm already living mine.
It's just, um
it's a bit smaller than yours.
But what about us?
They have phones, you know?
And I do take long-distance dedications.
Ah, I gotta pull over.
My eyes is fogged up.
[MILITARY FLUTE MUSIC]
[IN LOW VOICE] Listen up, men.
You've been caught deserting.
And the last man I caught
ended up in the stocks.
They say that his spirit
walks these floors
and on a cold, cold night
you still feel the icy grip
- Ah
- [WOMAN SHRIEKS]
POP: Sorry, sorry. I, uh
I-I was just looking for the pisser.
[LAUGHTER]
Mike!
I'm sorry, Mary.
It's just you're always supporting me.
I just wanted to be there for you.
I love you for that.
But the next time you
want to support me,
could you please stay
the frig home out of it?
Yeah.
LINDA: Mary?
The use of the old man to
stir emotion in the tour group?
Nice touch.
What old man? Wha ?
Congratulations, you've
earned your certificate
of Hospitality and Tourism.
Oh!
Well done, Mary!
LINDA: Yes, well done, well done, yes.
MARY: Oh!
There's just the matter
of the hundred-dollar
course completion fee.
POP: Oh
What a rip-off.
[POLICE SIRENS]
Let's go!
Party's over!
Thanks for the tip, Mark.
MARK: Yeah, no problem, Officer Butt.
Happy to help.
Gonna have to confiscate
these beer for, uh,
proper disposal.
'Course.
RITCHE: They loved me.
[BOTTLES CLINKING]
♪
Thanks for this.
You know, I'm good at ruining parties.
It's a gift.
[CHUCKLES] Dork.
Ugh, it's a friggin' mess.
[CAR STARTS OUTSIDE]
So, let's get at it.
♪
[CAR DRIVING OFF]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): When you're young,
life is one big party.
Even the clean-up can be fun
if you're with the right people.
[SOFT, EMOTIONAL MUSIC]
♪
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Though
sometimes you just need
to acknowledge when the party's over
REPORTER: [TV] In provincial news
MARY: Do it, do it, do it
Yeah!
POP: A-ha!
REPORTER: [TV] Students of
the Kareer Kollege arrived
at the school today only to
find the doors locked shut.
Linda Lahey, CEO and instructor,
has filed for bankruptcy protection.
Mary, cancel that cheque!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): And take the time
to put things back the way they were
- Baby
- [THEY KISS]
Everything's perfect.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Or replace
the things that got broken
Hmm
BRAD: And then the cops showed up!
I'm tellin' ya, best party ever!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): And
take pride in a year-ender
that was absolutely legendary.
♪
♪
♪
♪