The Exes (2011) s04e12 Episode Script

Hey, Haskell.
Ten more people on the West Side just listed their bathrooms on Pee Harmony.
Yes! Hey, listen to this review: "I was walking down 86th when my big gulp kicked in.
"I used your app which linked me to Mrs.
Jenkins' bathroom "and it was delightful, as was she.
Signed, relieved.
" - Hey.
- Oh, hey, Eden.
Hi.
So, have you guys spoken with Holly since her announcement last night? What does that even mean, "I'm marrying myself?" Doesn't mean anything.
Okay? She's just upset about her breakup with the congressman and when you get upset, you say crazy things.
- Just got an evite from Holly.
- Me too.
- Yeah, so did I.
- "You are cordially invited to celebrate the joyful wedding of Holly Franklin to herself at the Central Park lake house.
" Yikes.
Wow, she's really going through with it.
What's the attire, straitjacket and tie? Hey guys! Did you you got my wedding invitation? - Oh, yeah.
- What fun! All right, all right, I know what you're thinking, - that I've lost my mind.
- No! Not at all! Hey, did anybody else get this wacko evite from Ho Holly! - Congratulations! - Yes! Yes, it's about time you made an honest woman of yourself.
Look, I know this whole thing might seem unusual, but I've spent my entire life looking for a man to marry, thinking that's what I needed to feel complete, until I realized I don't.
I'm happy with who I am.
I value who I am, and I just wanted to celebrate that in front of my friends and family.
Holly, you have every reason to feel that way.
But what kind of a wedding did you have in mind? Yeah, are we talking "wedding" wedding? Like, walking down the aisle, having a ceremony, exchanging vows? Like "do you, Holly take you, Holly?" Yeah.
I mean, I got the lake house booked.
I'm going all out.
That's good, 'cause you only marry yourself once.
You hope.
I love the jokes.
That's the last one.
There's my beautiful bride! Mom! You're here! Oh! Hey, guys.
Phil.
Isn't this exciting? My little baby's getting married.
You got my email and you're okay with it? Okay? I am over the moon! Not only is she getting married, she is marrying a congressman.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Hey, Mom.
- You have a nice nap? - Oh I had the most beautiful dream that my daughter was getting married, and then I woke up and I realized it was true! Yep, yep, it's true, I'm getting married.
So, I take it you didn't get my latest email.
No, I had to trade my iPhone to the donkey driver - for a ride down the mountain.
- Oh.
His other terms were unacceptable.
But nothing nothing! was going to keep me from my little girl's wedding.
Anyway, when do I get to meet congressman son-in-law? - Mom, about the congressman - Oh no, what did he do? - I - He got indicted? - No.
- Took a bribe? - Tweeted his pee-pee? - No.
Whatever it is, we'll get past it.
No, no, Mom, listen.
Charles and I we broke up.
Just it wasn't right.
Oh, honey.
I am so sorry.
But I don't get it.
I thought you said you were getting married.
I am.
You met someone else already? That's crazy.
But workable.
Who is he? Well its not a "he.
" O-kay.
Still workable.
It's me, Mom.
I'm marrying myself.
What does that mean? What are you talking about? It means, that next Sunday, at the Central Park lake house, I'm going to walk down the aisle, in a wedding dress, and celebrate who I am.
I understand.
We'll call Dr.
Hertzberg.
He was very helpful when Uncle Dave thought his cat - was reading his emails.
- Yeah, I know.
Mom, look, I realize this might sound strange Strange? It's crazy.
Who does this? Okay, well, I was hoping for you know, a little more understanding, but Well, what do you want me to do, Holly? What do you want - I don't know.
- Me to say? "Congratulations?" "Fantastic! I hope you and you will be very happy together"? I want you to try to understand, okay? I've spent my whole life thinking that a man will make my life meaningful and I finally realized it won't! I'm happy just the way I am! Can't you celebrate that with me? No.
It doesn't make sense.
But it makes sense to me.
And I'm doing it with or without you, so Then you'll do it without me.
Congratulations, Holly.
It's 2015.
Leave it to you to find a way to shock me.
Pee Harmony.
We care.
Oh, well may I ask what this is regarding? - Who is it? - Some lawyer.
He said he wants to talk to us.
Yeah, let me handle this.
La What's going on? Why is a lawyer calling us? I don't know why he keeps calling.
He keeps calling? Are we in some kind of legal trouble? Not if we don't answer the phone.
Look, all I know is that whenever a lawyer calls, it's never good news.
Haskell! You can't keep ducking this guy.
Sure I can! I was supposed to report to Fort Dix for basic training 30 years ago.
Come in.
Hey, sorry to hear about what happened with your mom.
Aw, that's okay, I don't need her.
I can do everything myself.
I mean So what if I only have a week to plan a wedding? I've got my checklist.
Ah, venue: Done.
Dress: Done.
Invitations: Done.
Everything else: Not done.
That's why we're here.
To help.
Let me be your mother.
What? Just say yes.
The poor man is practically lactating.
Wait.
So you guys would really help me plan my wedding? Damn Skippy.
I cannot tell you how touched I am.
- We're happy to he - Enough talking! Stuart! Find someone to perform the ceremony.
Phil, you're on music.
Haskell, wedding favors.
Eden, cake, flowers and whatever else these clowns drop the ball on.
Why are you still standing here? Go! Go! Go! Sheesh! She treats herself like this after the wedding, I give it a month.
- Hey, Eden! - Hey.
Breaking in your new wedding shoes? Yeah, I feel like I have two bear traps on my feet.
All right, so what do you got for me? Okay, I found your wedding cake topper! Look, it's a beautiful bride! Why is there a man's hand on her waist? Well, they didn't have just a bride, so I had to snap off the groom.
But if you color the hand with a sharpie, it'll look like a fanny pack.
What bride wears a fanny pack? I'm trying my best, you scary lady.
- I'm sorry.
- Me too, I know.
We're both tense.
It's just a big day.
- Big day! Big day.
- Big, big day.
Okay.
- But it's gonna be great.
- Okay.
- Wonderful.
Magical.
- Yep.
- Phil, you're up.
- Ah! Ooh, good.
Phil! What do we got for music? Oh! Man, lemme just tell you.
I finished a playlist, and it's gonna be tight! But what am I walking down the aisle to? Oh, I don't know.
You don't know? Oh, you know, I was just thinking like, you know, Here Comes the Bride, the usual.
Usual? There's nothing usual about this wedding.
And the first song sets the tone for the whole evening.
- Get your head in the game! - Okay, I'm sorry, - I'll try harder! - Okay, I'm sorry, too, - I'm just tense, big day, okay? - Big day, big day, big day - Okay, all right.
- Big day, big day, big day.
Hey, look who's here, it's Haskell! All right! Here are your wedding favors.
I think you will be pleased.
Chocolate-covered fortune cookies! And my name on the ribbon! Oh, it's so sweet and elegant.
Ooh, I want to read my fortune! Oh, no, no, no, don't bother.
It's just the usual, you know, "happy, happy, long life.
" "Pee Harmony.
"Use promo code 'Franklin wedding', and your next pee is on us.
" You are using my wedding to advertise your stupid app? Fix it! Look, I get it.
You're just tense.
It's a big day.
- Big day - Fix it! So why'd you want to see me, partner? Haskell, this is Gordon Turner, the lawyer who's been calling us - Gotta go, left the oven on - No, Haskell! Please sit.
Whatever it is, let's just face the music.
I hate music.
Now that you're both here, I'll get down to business.
I have a client who's interested in buying Pee Harmony.
You want to buy our business? I don't know, I mean, this is our baby.
We put a lot of work into it.
We want to see this thing through.
Here's our offer.
Sold! Not sold.
Pardon me while I sidebar with my partner.
What the hell's the matter with you? What? That's a fortune! You do not take the first offer.
Don't you know anything about business? What do you know about business? Ah! Excuse me, but I managed an olive garden for many years.
Need I say more? Yeah.
A lot more.
Listen Just play it cool.
You do the dance.
That's how you get the biggest offer.
You sure? How do you think I got arugula for the price of iceberg? I'm sorry, Mr.
Turner.
We appreciate the offer, but we're gonna have to say no.
I understand.
I'm authorized to go to this number.
- Sold! - Ahh! Sold! So, we have a deal? You bet your ass we have a deal.
Haskell happy! Haskell happy.
I'll draw up the contract and send it over.
Okay.
Thank you so much.
- We're rich! - We're rich! We sold our baby! - Holly, you look so beautiful.
- Oh.
So do you! Though I don't remember seeing those two on the guest list.
You're the one who picked out this dress.
Holster those puppies.
Hey ooh! No, no, no, no! No, no! What are you doing? Don't you know it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding? I am the bride.
Oh! Right.
Sorry, still trying to figure out how this works.
Look, the Monopoly guy's here.
And that is more true than you know, little lady.
Just came by to extend my best wishes to the bride.
Oh, thank you, Haskell.
I really appreciate it.
Now lose the get-up, okay? It's a wedding, not the Mad Hatter's tea party.
Excuse me, I'm just gonna talk to Haskell for a second.
What the hell is this? It's Holly's day! We agreed not to tell anybody about the money, so we wouldn't steal Holly's thunder! - I haven't told a soul.
- Said the man who looks like he linked the Atlantic and Pacific rail roads! All right, all right.
I'll leave the outerwear with my driver.
All right, well, it's almost time.
- Oh.
- Good luck.
Remember, don't drink too much at the reception.
You don't want to get sloppy and let yourself down on your wedding night.
Again, still trying to figure out how this works.
Hoo! Are you ready? I think I am.
You know, I always thought my mom would be here for this moment, but I sure am glad you are.
Eden, I could not ask for a better friend.
Oh Mm.
But seriously, you gotta lose that cleavage.
The first time ever you saw your face you thought the sun rose in your eyes The first time ever you kissed your mouth Dearly beloved.
We are gathered here to celebrate the marriage of Holly Franklin to Holly Franklin.
The vows you're about to make are a declaration in front of friends and family of your love for yourself, and to yourself.
- Who has the ring? - I do.
As you place the ring on your beloved's finger Please repeat after me: I, Holly, take me, Holly, I, Holly take me, Holly To be my wedded self.
To be my I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I can't do this, I just can't.
Go away! No, I'm not going away.
Mom, what are you doing here? I couldn't stay away.
My little baby's getting married.
What are you talking about? You said it was crazy.
You were right, I'm so embarrassed.
I don't know what I was thinking, getting up in front of everybody, marrying myself.
Who does that? You do.
The same girl who played Juliet in junior high and refused to drink the poison.
You said "Kill myself for a guy? I don't think so.
" It didn't help that Romeo had braces and smelled like an everything bagel.
You know what I'm saying.
You've never done anything like everyone else, and I'll be honest, I didn't always get it.
You were always a step ahead of me.
- Like now.
- No, Mom, this is not a step ahead.
How did I get here? I This just isn't where I expected to be at this point in my life.
Well, let's see.
Where are you in your life? You are a successful, unique, brilliant woman, who has 100 friends out there who love and respect you enough to show up and watch you do something as crazy as this.
I do, don't I? You really think I should go through with this, huh? You mean celebrate the amazing woman you are? I never thought I'd say this, but you get out there and marry yourself.
Friends, after-party champagne is on me.
- On you? - What? You've never bought a round in your life.
Oh, my God, what's wrong? How much time do you have left? Did you tell them? Did you tell them? No, no, no, no! I'm waiting for you.
Oh, okay, good.
As you know, we have our company, Pee Harmony, who happened to attract some investors - We're rich! - Filthy rich! - They bought the company! - Yah! Damn! - Congratulations, guys.
- Wow! What are you gonna do with the money? Oh, well, right now it's a toss-up between starting a college fund for underprivileged kids or buying a boat that you can drive on land! Well, I know what I'm doing with mine.
I'm, uh, I'm going away.
- What? - Yeah, I mean, for the first time in my life I have money.
I want to travel, I want to see the world.
And I have you to thank.
You've changed my life.
No.
You changed mine.
None of this could've happened without you.
You believed in me.
I'm gonna miss you, Haskell.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
But every time I hear a toilet flush, I'll think of you.
And now, I present to you Mrs.
Holly Franklin.
On behalf of me and my better half, I thank you.
And I want to thank you for doing what I should have been there to do for my daughter.
Ow.
It was a beautiful wedding.
And at least I know I'll get along with my in-laws.
Look, um I know I put you guys through a lot this week.
Or year.
I just want to say I really appreciate how supportive you've been of me through all of this.
If I could, I'd marry all of you.
That's where I draw the line.
To Holly.
And Holly.
To Holly and Holly.