The Honeymooners (1955) s04e12 Episode Script

With the stars and Did you find a ball, Ralph? No, I can't find it in there.
Well, a ball just can't disappear.
Well, it disappeared, so let's forget about it.
I'll play you another game some other time.
Oh no, you won't.
I got you 19 to 2.
All I need is two more points and I won a dime from you.
We lost the ball and there aren't any more balls left.
I don't know how we could lose three balls in one game.
It always happens when I play with you.
Doesn't make any difference.
We're gonna start the meeting anyway.
All right, will you just give me the dime? I got you beat.
What do you mean, give you a dime, you got me beat? win this game.
win the game.
I just let you get ahead to make it interesting, that's all.
If we had another ball, I would have started my "A" game.
Then I would have beaten you, 21 to 19.
But you don't hear me asking you for a dime.
That's something you gotta learn, Norton.
You gotta learn that it isn't always important to win.
Just play the game for the sake of the game.
Win or lose, be a good sport.
Yeah.
All right, all right.
Forget about the dime.
Forget about Give me a match.
Oh, sure, pal.
How in the world could they have gotten in there? I'll give you three guesses, the first two don't count.
Shut up and serve! Now this time if the ball goes off the table, let me look for it, will you? Don't give me any instructions.
Just serve.
Will you come on and serve! That's 20.
That's 20.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! That was an illegal serve.
I can serve any way I want as long as the ball bounces on my side of the net and it bounces on your side.
That serve doesn't count.
I wasn't ready.
I don't care.
When the serve was served, the receiver's got to be ready at all time.
Come on, point Come on, point game here coming up.
You ready? I'm ready.
Ready? I think I'll wind up the proceedings here with Norton's famous mystery atomic cannonball.
Oh! Put 'em up, Norton! Put 'em up.
Just put 'em up! Wait, wait, we're playing for the game's sake, you know.
Win or lose, you gotta be a good sport.
Never mind about that sport stuff.
Just put 'em up! Well, Norton, beat him again, huh? Beat me again, huh? Not if he played fair! I could beat him with both hands tied.
Yeah, if they were my hands that were tied.
Oh, you're a riot.
Come now, no hard feelings.
Remember we are Racoons, and all raccoons are brothers under the pelt.
Now, forget your differences, and let's have the Racoon handshake.
Come on, the Racoon handshake! Aah All right, boys, let's get this table out of here now, come on.
Let's get the meeting started, hurry up! That's it.
Boy, oh, boy, I'm telling you.
You ever hear of a guy losing three Ping-Pong balls in his pocket? You shouldn't play Ping-Pong with him.
You're too good.
You're right, I shouldn't.
I'll just stick to playing Ping-Pong during my lunch hour down in the sewer.
You play Ping-Pong in the sewer? Yeah.
It's the only game we can play with a ball that can float! All right, fellas, come on.
Let's get our places here now, huh? Get this meeting started here.
All right, gentlemen I now call this meeting of the Racoon Lodge to order.
Gentlemen, the traditional Racoon salute.
( all whooping ) Now, for the first order of business, we'll hear a report from Brother Kramden, who last month volunteered to take charge of the drive for new members.
Brother Kramden? Thank you.
Uh, Mr.
President members of the Racoon Lodge, as you know, this month we were to have a drive to reach a quota of 50 new members.
However, because of the fact that we have not reached the quota, I suggest that we continue the drive for another week.
Well, uh, how many more applicants do we need to fill our quota of 50 new members? Fifty.
We-we have no new members? This-this is very disappointing! ( clearing throat ): Mr.
President Yes, Brother Norton? As much as I hate to pay a compliment to the fat chairman of the drive ( clears throat ) I think that we all owe him a vote of thanks for the vast improvement made over last year's member drive.
But he didn't bring in one new member! I know, but last year we lost three of the old members.
Oh, yes, well, I, uh, I guess I owe you an apology, Brother Kramden.
Apology is accepted.
Unfortunately, though, I, uh, I don't think that extending the drive another week is the answer.
There must be some reason we're not getting new members.
I suggest we look at all the possibilities.
Ah, first of all, what are the requirements that a new member must go through before he can be entered into the lodge? Oh, well, let's, uh, let's see.
That's section two of our rules and bylaws.
Here, Brother Kramden, you read that.
All right.
( clears throat ) All applicants applying for membership in the Royal Order of Racoons must meet with the following requirements: Number one, applicant must have earned a public school diploma.
Two, he must have resided in the United States for the last six months.
Three, he must pay a dollar and a half initiation fee.
( clearing throat ): Excuse me.
There's your trouble right there.
The requirements are too tough.
They're not too tough.
You belong to the lodge, don't you? Oh, now, here, come on.
Order, order, Brothers! Brother Norton, I don't think that's the cause of our trouble.
Excuse me, Mr.
President.
I hate to disagree with the president, but take that requirement number two.
Well, it says that you gotta be a resident of the United States for at least six months before you can apply for membership.
Well, what about it? What about it? On account of that silly rule, Anthony Eden could never become a Racoon! Anthony? Mr.
President Brother Kramden-- Brother Norton is a nut! I have the floor, you're out of order.
The only thing out of order here is your head.
Brothers, Brothers, this is getting us no place.
Let's face the facts.
There must be plenty of eligible uh, comp, uh uh Applicants.
Applicants.
I'm sorry, so I couldn't think of the word.
And it's all your own fault for not bringing them in.
Well, I'll bet there isn't a man in this room that couldn't bring in two or three of his fellow workers with him.
How about you, Norton? Well, Mr.
President, I guess you're right.
I haven't been trying hard enough to get some of the fellas that work with me down in the sewer.
I should have come up with a few.
Yeah.
And, uh I ain't got no excuse and I'm sorry.
All right, sir.
And you, Andrews? Well, there are plenty of guys at the brewery.
There's no reason I couldn't bring in one or two.
I ain't got no excuse.
And you, Driven? Driven's the only one with a legitimate excuse.
He's an undertaker.
( all laughing ) Just a little levity to break the tension.
All right, we'll just we'll just have to do better next time.
Now, for the second order of business, it gives me great pleasure to remind you brothers that next Sunday is the day of the Racoon Lodge's annual fishing trip.
( all cheering ) And I'd like to report also that like last year, Brother Muldoon will bring the beer and Brother Havameyer will supply the knotwurst.
( all cheering ) Now, in the past years, we've always tried to make our fishing trips better than the year before.
However, this year, there's been a consensus that we should leave our wives at home.
However, we must take a vote on that.
Now, all those in favor of not bringing their wives, raise their hand.
Now, all those in favor of bringing their wives, raise their hand.
What's the matter with you? Why are you voting twice? I want to make sure that Trixie ain't goin'.
But what's that got to do with it? Well, when she finds out she ain't goin', I want to be able say I voted for her goin'.
You see Will you sit down! The motion is passed unanimously.
The wives stay at home.
Yes, Brother Kramden? Mr.
President and members, as you know, for the last seven years we have unanimously voted to keep the women off of the fishing trip.
I make a motion now that we vote to tell 'em about it this year.
Well, who seconds that motion? Well, isn't anybody gonna second it? Huh! Sure.
Sure.
Just as I figured.
You all vote that the women are not coming on the fishing trip.
Big men! But what does it mean? Nothin'! Because when it's time to face your wife, you all back down and give in, that's why! It's time to ask yourself a question.
Are the Racoons mice or men? Ah, wait a minute, Kramden! How come your wife is always on the fishing trip? Because I let her come, that's why.
Because I let her come, that's why! And do you know why I let her come? I didn't want to show you guys up, that's why! Now, look.
I'm gonna say something to you men, and you'd better listen to it because it's important.
Every time you get into the habit of saying yes to your wife, you're getting into the habit of saying no to your independence.
It's time to make a decision, men.
Are you going to retreat into the darkness of slavery?! Or are you going to advance?! Advance into the sunshine of freedom?! ( all cheering ) I say, advance! This is our last chance.
If we let these women take over our fishing trip, we are through.
All is lost! Remember, today it's the fishing trip, tomorrow it'll be the pool room! He's right! I second Kramden's vote.
We're with you, Ralph! We'll show 'em who's boss! Oh, gentlemen, this is a great night in the history of the Racoons.
Say, how about a poker game as a declaration of our independence? The beer and the pretzels are on me.
( all cheering ) Thank you very much, Mr.
President.
Thank you, men.
Boy, Ralphie, I gotta hand it to you.
You're a rotten Ping-Pong player, but you make a good speech maker.
If you were the boys would have carried you out on their shoulders.
Come on, let's play a little poker, pal.
No, you go ahead.
I don't want to play.
But you like poker.
I know, but Alice told me to be sure and be home at 10:30.
Look, Alice, you might as well get this into your head.
A fishing trip is just like a Turkish bath.
It's for men only.
I catch the fish you cook the fish.
The only time we're together is when we eat the fish.
So, it's final, it's settled and it's over and done with.
You are not going on the fishing trip.
Hi, Ralph.
Hi, Alice.
I'm sorry I was late, honey.
I had some shopping to do.
But I'll have your supper ready for you in a minute.
Uh, Alice Yes? I want to tell you something.
Well? I'll tell you later.
Okay.
I'll be right out.
I got a surprise for you.
Say there, Ralphie boy.
Oh hi, Norton.
Mind if I put this in your icebox till I get upstairs? It's perishable.
Oh, help yourself.
It ain't that I'm hungry, I just had to make a little room for my parcel.
Yeah, sure, sure.
How'd you make out about the car, Ralph? Oh, I got the car.
Freddie Miller said I could have it.
As a matter of fact, he's leaving it in front of the house on his way home tonight.
And by the way, the trip isn't going to cost us a cent.
I told some of the members I'd give 'em a lift down to the pier if they'd chip in for the gas.
So, they will be downstairs and meet us in front of the house at 6:00 tomorrow morning.
What's the matter with you? ( sighs ) I, uh I got a confession to make, Ralph.
I know it's going to be a big disappointment to you, but I gotta tell you.
I realize the fishing trip is tomorrow, but I just haven't gotten around to telling Trixie that she's not goin' fishin'.
I almost started to tell her just a little while ago.
She was standing too close to the pots and pans.
I just haven't got the courage you got, I guess.
Listen, I been doin' the most stupid things, Ralph.
You know, when she's not home, I'm standin' there, making speeches at her, telling her, "Trix, you're not goin' fishin', you know.
" Ain't that stupid? Then she comes home nothin'.
I chicken out.
Will you do me one big favor, please? Tell me, word for word, how did you tell Alice that she is not goin' fishin'? Just tell me.
Well, I said to her I didn't tell her either yet.
You didn't tell her! You didn't tell Our leader! You were the guy makin' the big speech about being free.
Oh, boy.
To think at this moment, our fellow members of the Racoon Lodge are mimeographin' copies of your speech to hang up in every pool room in Bensonhurst! For shame! Well, do you know why I didn't tell her? Do you know why? Do you know why I didn't tell her? Well, I'll tell you why I didn't tell her.
Why should I tell you why I didn't tell her? I'll tell you why you didn't tell her.
You're scared of Alice.
Ha-ha-ha! Hardy-har-har! That'll be the day when I'm scared to tell Alice anything.
I'll eat your hat.
Well, then, why didn't you tell her? I didn't tell her because Well, I don't even know if she wants to go on a fishing trip.
Why should I start a fight over nothing? She's given me no indication that she thinks wants to go on a fishing trip.
How do you like it? I got a hunch she's thinkin' of goin' fishin'.
It was a great bargain, Ralph.
I got it all on sale.
Nice boots.
Nice and light.
Good for summer wear in the sewer.
Ralph, you haven't said anything yet.
Go ahead, say something, Ralph.
Alice, I gotta tell you something.
Yeah? That's a mighty fine outfit you got there.
So glad you like it.
I'll go change, and then I'll get your supper ready for you.
( clearing throat ) Don't get smart, don't get smart! I'll tell her when I'm ready.
You better tell her, because if she comes tomorrow with you, you are going to be the laughingstock.
Don't worry about me.
Just you make sure that you tell Trixie that she's not goin'.
All right, all right, I'll tell her.
And listen, Brother Kramden, next time you're ready to make a speech, will you do me a favor? Shut up.
Hey, wait a minute! ( door slams ) Alice! Come out here.
Now look, Alice I'm gonna tell you something.
I've made up my mind about it, so there's no sense in trying to change my mind.
Let's not do any hollering, screaming or yelling.
You are not going on the fishing trip.
I am going.
You're not going.
I am going! ( yelling ): You're not going! ( yelling ): I am going! The only place you're going is to the moon! You get this, Ralph, and get it straight.
When you're on that fishing trip tomorrow, I'm gonna be there, too.
You can't go! All the guys voted unanimously that we can't take the wives with us! None of the wives are goin'! None of the wives are going? Well, for your information, Trixie's going.
Oh, is that so, Mrs.
Weisenheimer? Well, for your information, she's not goin', 'cause Norton's on his way up to tell her she can't go.
( crashing upstairs ) ( Norton yelling ) Didn't I tell you Trixie's going? I don't care if she's goin', you're not goin'! Now you listen to me, Ralph.
I am going on that fishing trip.
I gave up going to beauty parlor for three months to buy that fishing equipment.
Yeah? Well, that fishing equipment will not do you one bit of good.
What do you know about fishing in the first place? When did you ever catch anything? I caught 300 pounds of blubber.
Oh, would I like to You're not goin'! I am, Ralph, and at I shall be ready.
( groans ) Well Me, too.
Yeah, Trixie, too.
She says she's gonna be ready at 6:00 in the morning to go fishing.
So's Trixie.
Hey, wait a minute.
What? ( snaps fingers ) Wait a minute! All right, so they're gonna be up at 6:00 to go fishin'.
Suppose we sneak out at 4:00? Ralph, you're a genius! You gotta get up a little early to put anything over on me.
'Bout half past three.
( laughing ) Now, look Hey, wait a minute.
What about the guys that are gonna meet us at 6:00? Very simple.
We'll call them up on the phone and tell them to meet us in front of the house at 4:00.
You make the calls and use an outside phone.
Yeah.
All right.
Now, remember, when you're coming down tomorrow morning, be careful not to wake up Trixie or we're dead.
Don't you worry about a thing.
Hey, wait a minute.
What? Don't you want that package you put in my icebox? Ooh.
Thanks.
I'm glad you reminded me about this.
Boy, we'd be in pretty bad shape tomorrow if I didn't bring this.
What is it? Worms.
You put worms in my icebox! Get out! Get out! Worms in my icebox! Great idea of yours to go ( yawning ): at 4:00 in the morning.
Well, let's get in the car where we can sit down.
( horn honks ) Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna take a little snooze.
There'll be no snoozin', Norton.
( horn honking ) Norton, I said don't snooze! I just had my eyes closed.
Don't tell me you had your eyes closed.
I just heard you snore! That was the horn.
The horn? We better get out of here before we wake the girls up.
What'd I do with the key? What about the guys? Huh? The guys.
The guys? Makes no difference.
We'll drive around the block.
They gotta come up that street.
NORTON: Oh.
You know what? What? The girls are really gonna be in for some shock when they find out that we left without them.
( both laughing ) They're gonna be mighty mad when we get home tonight.
Ho, ho! Ah, we can handle them.
Give 'em a little of that old sweet talk.
( chuckles ) They always go for that malarkey about "Oh, how we missed you when we were gone.
" ( laughing ) Well, we're off.
( engine sputtering ) It won't turn over.
Maybe it's cold.
( sputtering ) Maybe it's a dead battery? I'll go out and have a look.
Why don't you try the choke first? I forgot about that.
Thanks, Alice.
Whoa! Ralph I ain't got the courage to look back there.
Is Mrs.
Norton back there? Right behind you.
Gee.
This is one of the sneakiest tricks I've ever heard of.
When it comes to sneaky tricks, don't you talk! How did you ever expect to get away with this? We would have if you weren't picking up some other Racoons.
We would've been all the way to the pier before you knew we were in the car.
Is that so? Well, you're not goin'! Well, you're not goin' either.
You can't start the car! Oh, I can't, huh? I haven't driven a bus for 15 years for nothin'.
I'll get the car started.
Don't worry about that.
( loud banging ) All right, get over there and start the car when I tell you it's okay.
Oh All right, start the car.
( engine sputtering ) All right, all right.
I know what's wrong now.
Oh, yeah.
All right, start the car.
( engine sputtering ) Give me a hairpin, Trixie.
Oh, sure.
Ha-ha-ha.
Hardy-har-har.
All right, Ed, step on the starter now.
( both laughing ) ( engine starting ) Well, let's get back in the car, Ralph.
You're not gettin' in the car, 'cause you're not goin'! Is that your final word, Ralph? That's my final word, you're not goin'! All right.
( engine stopping ) You think that stops me? If you can do it, I can do it.
Look out.
Don't be too sure, Ralph.
I ain't got no hairpins.
Trixie, give me another hairpin.
Sure.
Thank you.
Oh, a head start, eh? Yeah.
All right, start the motor.
( engine sputtering ) What did you do in there?! Are you gonna take us? I can't take you.
I told you, it was a unanimous vote! No wives are going on the trip.
Look, they talked me into it.
Didn't they, Norton? No comment.
There you are, see? Honest, I can't take you.
I don't want to make a fool out of myself.
Can't you understand what this fishing trip means to us, Ralph? Don't you realize Trixie and I went and bought outfits? And why? 'Cause we had some kind of a crazy idea that you might like to take us along.
I'd love to take you Never mind, Ralph.
Never mind.
There you are.
Now you can go alone.
Come on, Trixie.
Okay.
( Alice grumbling ) I hope you have a very pleasant day, Ralph.
TRIXIE: Yeah, enjoy yourself.
( door slams ) Well Well, I guess we got away with it.
You can say that.
It took a little doin', but we did it.
Next time we say somethin', they'll know that we mean it.
You can say that again.
Well, we're off to fish.
( engine starting ) ( engine stops ) What's wrong? You know what's wrong.
Alice! Hey, Trixie! Come on down, Alice! You can come with us.
Hurry up, will ya?