The Neighborhood (2018) s04e12 Episode Script

1 - Earthquake! - Earthquake, earthquake! Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
Are you okay, baby? Uh, I think so.
- Okay.
Oh.
- Where's Dad? Earthquake! Earthquake! It's an earthquake! Stay calm.
Stay calm.
Everything's okay.
I gathered all our essentials.
I got a air mattress.
Cell phones.
I got my dream journal.
You remembered your dream journal, but you forgot your pants? Oh, hey.
Good morning, everybody.
Are you, are you guys okay? Other than this coffee being a little bitter, we're fine.
Where's Malcolm and Marty? They're fine.
They don't get out of bed for anything under a 5.
8.
I can't believe you guys are so calm about this.
My heart is beating out of my chest.
Girl, we grew up here.
We ain't new to this.
We true to this.
I mean, the only reason I got out of bed is to see which neighbor slept naked.
- And I was right, it was Dave.
- Yeah.
All right, so, what do we do now? We pitch a tent so we don't have to sleep inside tonight? Dave, I don't think a guy that's wearing a welcome mat for pants should be talking about pitching tents.
Well, thanks so much for coming on such short notice, Jackie.
I mean, these cracks look pretty nasty.
For the owner of Tina-licious Cakes? No problem.
I accept cash, credit and red velvet cupcakes.
Well, there's not much to do.
I mean, this house is rock-solid, you know? Well, technically, that's not a part of the house.
Well, I'm just hoping for a big enough aftershock so I can finally get my open concept kitchen.
Ha.
I wouldn't bet on it.
I mean, we rode out the big one in '94 with no problem.
This house is like me.
They just don't build 'em like this anymore.
You know? Calvin, the Lord has spoken, and He said it's time to remodel.
Even the Bible got a New Testament.
Oh.
So, which color would you like for our new walls? I like this one.
Well, that's the color it is now.
Exactly.
Come on, baby, let's take this as an opportunity to just update some things.
Okay, you know what? We'll get an 85-inch TV.
It'll hide all the cracks.
Nice try.
No.
Oh, hey, you two.
Are my babies okay? Yeah, we're all right.
Our house did get a little bit of damage, but we're not worried.
We're renters.
Uh, speaking of, there is a-a hole in the wall that looks like somebody flew a drone into it, but it was definitely from the earthquake.
Well, this is a pretty big job.
Uh, you might want to check into a hotel.
We'll stay at our hotel.
What do you mean, "your hotel?" The one next door.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
I mean, the staff treats you like family, because they are family.
And the place feels like yours, because it is yours.
Hey, buddy.
What do you got there? My clothes.
Figured we'd ship everything else back to Michigan.
I'd like to leave this afternoon.
Wha I thought you loved California.
Well, that was before I knew it was a death trap.
All right, buddy, come on.
Sit down, look.
We're all gonna be fine.
Okay? He's not wrong.
There is no need to worry, honey.
We just have to be prepared, which is why I bought us this.
Everything we need to prepare for another quake: protein bars, water pouches, a flashlight, even this adorable fire extinguisher that looks like our regular fire extinguisher's baby.
Fine.
I'll go unpack.
And pray for baby fires.
Wow, Grover's really freaked out.
Well, yeah, it makes sense.
I mean, I could see how last night would be totally terrifying for a child.
Aftershock! Uh-oh.
That was the garbage truck, Dave.
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
Ah, man.
Nah, you know what? Best out of 17.
Oh, no way, man.
No way.
You lost.
Mom and Dad are taking your room.
What? No, hell nah, man.
- Let's wrestle for it.
- What? Aah! I'm-a drop you.
I don't know what you're doing, but you're too old to be doing it.
Put him down.
Oh, uh Hey.
We-we were just wrestling over who gets to give you their room.
- And luckily, Malcolm won.
- Ah, what? No, man.
I mean, uh Yeah.
- All I do is win.
- Ow.
Uh, Mom, Dad, make yourselves at home.
Mi casa es quite literally su casa because we rent from you.
Well, it's freezing in here.
Marty, what the hell happened to my thermostat? That's a new system I put in.
You can control the temperature from your phone.
Fancy, right? Oh, very fancy.
Now tell your phone I'm cold.
And tell your brother I'm raising the rent.
Oh, uh, Ma, you did not have to go shopping.
We do have food.
You have dino nuggets and soy sauce packets.
And this bottle of ranch is old enough to have voted for Obama.
I'm not gonna spend the next three weeks eating condiments.
I'm about to smoke this chicken.
Uh, Ma, it is 9:30 in the morning.
Well, I'm also gonna make hash browns.
Oh, okay.
So, I guess that charge from Home Depot wasn't fraudulent.
You can't put a price on preparedness.
Oh, apparently you can, and it's $1,300.
Well, you know, your little earthquake kit needed some help, so I got everything we would need in case of a flood, mudslide, and a biological weapons attack.
What is that for? It's for beekeeping, Grover.
- Methane leaks.
- All right.
Don't worry, honey.
Your dad just went a little overboard.
I don't think he went overboard enough.
An earthquake once made the Mississippi River flow backwards.
Dave, you've got to tone it down.
- I know you're freaked out, but - I am not freaked out.
Okay.
What is wrong with being prepared? Nothing.
But you're still returning the gas mask and the generator.
Fine.
Can't return it if I can't find the receipt.
Tina! Yeah, baby? I can see the construction dumpster from the window.
Looks like half the house is in there.
We never should have hired that contractor.
Is it because she's a woman? I don't see gender, Tina.
All I see is somebody ripping up my house.
Hey.
Hey, Pop, Pop, hold up.
Is that my iPad? Oh, yeah.
And by the way, some girl named "Jennifer Cheesecake Factory" sent you some pictures her mama would not be happy with.
Don't bring her home.
What the hell is going on in here? They're just doing repairs.
This is what we talked about.
No, we talked about paint.
Last time I checked, you don't need a sledgehammer to paint.
Oh, hey, it's the Butlers.
Oh, good, you're here.
Just in time for me to fire you.
Fire her? I thought we agreed to fix whatever needed to be fixed to make it safe.
That wall is wobbly and exposed.
Well, so is Miss Kim.
You don't see nobody trying to throw her in the dumpster.
You know what? I'll finish the repairs myself.
I just need some sandpaper, a few screws and a and a little Spackle.
We're missing a wall.
Okay, a lot of Spackle.
All right, uh, Jackie, why don't you and the crew go home for the rest of the day, and I'll have a talk with him.
Come on, guys! Whoever said he'd fire us after three days, I owe you a beer.
Calvin, you are being ridiculous.
You're so busy at the shop, these repairs will take you forever, and I'll be moving back into this house in a wheelchair.
Then I'll be sure to add a ramp to my quote.
Fine.
If you think that you can do it better, then have at it.
And have at it I will.
I'll have this house done in three days! Give or take a month.
- Do svidaniya! - Mm! Hey.
Oh, I see you helped yourself to my bottle of Zetta wine.
Cool.
Shh! Shh! We're watching 90 Day Fiancé.
Uh, you know, I was hoping that I could watch the game.
Oh, sorry, man.
This is the reunion episode, and that's when all the tea gets spilled.
And I have had a day.
Your father lost his damn mind and fired our contractor, so looks like we gonna be living here another six months.
Did you say "six months"? Uh, Marty, can I speak to you in the kitchen, please, my brother? Oh, not now, man, Svetlana just threw her passport in Gabe's face.
Now, you listen to me.
I cannot take this anymore.
We have got to get Mom and Pop the hell out of here.
You want to turn our parents out on the street? The people who gave us life? Who raised us? You don't want Mama to leave because she is doing your laundry.
Okay, man, she folded the fitted sheets.
- Oh, man.
- It's basically witchcraft.
Look, the only witchcraft she is working is making my dates disappear from this house.
All right, I think you're pretty good at making them disappear all on your own.
- Oh, please - You can't blame Mommy for that, I'm just saying.
Earthquake.
An earthquake is happening.
What is going on? Gemma, you're not wearing any shoes.
First earthquake drill demerit.
Drill? We never agreed to a drill.
Do you think Mother Nature sends a written invitation before she opens a sinkhole in your yard? A sinkhole? Yes, that's right, Grover.
A sinkhole.
Now, everyone, find the safest exit.
Uh, the front door? Rookie mistake.
What You would have been crushed by all of this literature.
Okay, this drill is over.
Okay, fine.
But based on everyone's performance, I can't guarantee that we would all survive the next big one.
Dad, you are a very loud whisperer.
I'm sleeping in the yard.
Uh Very good, son.
The back door is the safest egress.
Just be careful of any fallen power lines.
Dave, this has to stop.
Grover is totally freaked out.
Well, I'm doing this so he won't be scared.
So he won't be scared or you won't be scared? Sorry, my, my finger slipped.
Look, this is how I'm coping.
Okay? If anything ever happened to you guys I would never be able to forgive myself.
Honey, I appreciate that.
And of course we should be prepared, but you've got our son in the backyard rationing gummy bears like it's the end of days.
In retrospect, uh, maybe I did go a little overboard.
You think? You need to go out there and let Grover know that everything's gonna be okay.
Oh, uh, don't go to the bathroom.
I may or may not have tried to simulate a water main break.
Oh! Calvin, that better be you.
'Cause if it's not, whoever it is is getting this bat! It's me.
I-It's me, baby.
Baby, what are you doing in there? Well, right now, I'm just trying to remember the last time I had a tetanus shot.
Well, I know it's been too long.
Get out of there.
Look, bae, I just needed to make sure everything in the trash was trash.
I didn't agree to tear the whole house down.
We're not tearing the house down.
We just had to change some things.
Well, you know the saying, "Change is bad"? That's not the saying.
Well, it should be.
This dumpster's just filled with memories I don't want to lose.
Did you see this wall they tore out? It's got the comic strip that Malcolm and Marty drew on.
Remember we were so mad, but then, eventually, it grew on us? Yeah.
That was pretty cute.
All this stuff, babe, this is what makes our house a home.
Baby, we are what makes a house a home.
These memories are precious, but it's time for new ones.
The boys are grown, we have the money.
And we're in a new phase in our lives, and that phase includes dual showerheads.
Two showerheads? Who needs that? The couple who showers together.
Well, this could be an interesting new phase.
Calvin, we love this neighborhood.
And we have the chance to turn this house into the dream home we always wanted.
Yeah.
It's just hard letting it all go.
You know, we don't have to.
All right? Why don't we take this piece and have it framed? - Good idea.
- See? Uh, b-babe, uh Can we save this, too? It's the first light switch I had to fix.
Let it go.
Fine.
I'll call Jackie in the morning and unfire her.
I already did.
Good, because God didn't intend for three adult men to share one bathroom.
Hey, buddy.
I brought you some emergency hot cocoa.
Speaking of hot, did you know that L.
A.
sits on the Ring of Fire? We are literally living on a volcano.
They didn't mention that on Zillow.
Come on, buddy.
Sit down.
Listen I'm sorry I scared you.
I went totally overboard with the earthquake prep.
No, you didn't.
We need all that stuff.
Are you aware that this area is prone to radon leaks? No, I did not know that.
But no more Wikipedia for you before bed.
But I get it.
You know, feeling prepared makes me feel less afraid, too.
I didn't know you got scared.
Oh, well, I hide it very well.
Of course I do.
Look, everybody does.
But that doesn't mean we should run away from the things that are scaring us.
And besides, natural disasters happen everywhere, even Michigan.
I know.
Fun fact, in 1965, Michigan had 12 tornadoes.
In one day.
Well, I'm glad we moved.
Look, the point is, Mom and I are never gonna let anything happen to you.
You know, and we live in a neighborhood filled with people who have our backs, so no matter what happens, we're gonna be okay.
I do love it here.
Malcolm and Marty promised they'd take me to the horse track.
Well, that's something we'll talk about.
Ma! What are you doing in here? Brushing my hair.
There better be some hot water left.
I need some privacy, people! Boy, ain't nobody looking at you.
Get on out of there.
Ah.
Have you gained some weight? No, Mother, I have not.
I blame you and your smoked chickens.
Aw, bae.
I'll be glad when our renovations are done.
These single showerheads, they're just so old-school.
Mama and Dad have got to go.
Oh, was it the bathroom party that changed your mind? - Hey, boys.
- Ah Well, since the contractor will be finished next week, we decided to treat ourselves and spend our last few days in a nice hotel.
Oh, really? Well, oh, gosh, it's been so lovely having y'all here.
Yeah, yeah.
I-I wish you guys could've stayed longer.
It really just flew by.
Not to me.
Hello.
Why are you wet? Funny story.
Jimmy was laying a little conduit for the electrical Water.
Get to the water.
Right.
Uh, well, then we found some termite damage.
And, it turns out, when we pulled out the wood, it was the only thing holding up your pipes.
How much and how long? Six weeks, and I'll email you the quote because I don't want to say it to your face.
Lord of Light, what have we done to deserve this? Well, it ain't no pleasure cruise for me, either.
You think I like living with dude smell? Uh Look, if y'all gonna be staying here for that long, then we need to set down some ground rules.
Yeah.
To make your stay much more comfortable.
Where are you going, baby? I need a break.
I'm-a go sit by the pool in my living room.
I never met a girl who makes me feel The way that you do You're all right Whenever I'm asked Who makes my dreams real I say that you do You're out of sight So, fee-fi Fo-fum Look out, baby, 'cause here I come And I'm bringing you a love that's true So get ready, so get ready I'm gonna try to make you love me, too So get ready, so get ready Get ready 'cause here I come I'm on my way Get ready 'cause here I come If you want to play hide-and-seek With love, let me remind you It's all right Of the loving you're gonna miss In the time it takes to find you.