The New Adventures of Old Christine s04e12 Episode Script

Previously on Old Christine Why do the boring corporate people have to come before we can get our new equipment? I don't need The Man coming in here telling me how to run my business.
Oh,I'm not a man.
I just love the versatility of a pants suit.
Let me tell you something-- we're all about women here.
I mean,so much so that we even married each other.
Oh,shoot.
Well,that complicates things.
- How so? - I'm going to have to shut you down.
Say what? So,we had a very successful gym franchise, but then our homophobic parent company took it away from us because we're married.
Oh,but we're not gay.
Although we support gay marriage,you should know.
And why should I know? Uh,well,uh,Mr.
Tuttle, I assume there's a "Mr.
" Tuttle.
There's a Mrs.
Tuttle.
Oh,really,is that how you do it? 'Cause we both just go by Ms.
, - and I would-- - Christine,Christine, stop talking.
Oh,okay,all right, all right.
I was born in the Bahamas, so we got married just to keep me in the country.
Well, marriage is a state issue.
- Immigration is a federal issue.
- Right.
So your marriage does not impact her immigration status at all.
Right.
W-Wait,Christine,I think he's saying something important.
Marrying her does not make you a citizen.
Damn it,Christine.
I thought you researched this.
I did! I went to the library but there was a guy selling churros outside, so I never made it in.
But the churro guy seemed to think it was okay.
I can't believe you were the best I could do.
********a lawyer.
Uh,the only thing I can help you with is your small business loan.
- Oh,so we got the loan? - No,no.
No,no,no.
Well,this bank sucks.
I hope they don't bail your ass out.
Look,I-I'm sorry.
These are difficult times.
We're only giving loans to the most qualified candidates.
Oh,okay,yeah I see what you're saying.
What are you doing? Don't worry about it.
That's how I got free checking.
Look,the problem is you don't have any assets.
Our assets is that we're good at our jobs.
And as far as collateral is concerned, we own the building that the gym was in.
You already have two mortgages on it.
We're respectable women.
Well,not her.
We work hard.
Well,not her.
B-But we're good Americans.
Hmm,not me.
proudly presents sync:ßÇÈâÈâ of Old Christine Season04 Episode12 Barb,we can't go under.
This gym was my only accomplishment.
I mean,I screwed up my marriage.
I never cut my album.
I never take calcium, even though my doctor says my bones are crumbling inside my body.
I mean,if I lose this gym, I'll be a total failure.
A tiny,hunched-over failure.
We're not going to lose the gym.
You started this business from nothing,right? I guess.
So we can just do it again.
And it'll be easier this time, since we already know what we're doing.
Well,that's true; we do have experience.
I mean,sure we've been knocked around, we've gone through tough times personally, and professionally, and then personally again, but it's a good thing, you know? We're older but we're wiser.
We're not wiser.
We're stupid.
We got married for nothing.
Oh,no,not nothing,Barb.
I'm going to be deported.
Not necessarily.
We just have to find a way to make money.
And we'll get a fancy lawyer.
And you never hear about rich people getting deported.
Money solves everything! And we have no money.
Oh,we have nothin'.
Not necessarily.
We have this building, we have our looks, we have our health,we All we need is enough money to buy new gym equipment.
Well,I suppose I could sell the jewelry my grandmother left me.
I mean,it wouldn't be enough to do the whole gym, but it could be a start.
Isn't your grandmother still alive? Yeah,but she left her jewelry at my house and she esn't remember.
You know,technically,we don't even need to open a gym.
This place could be anything now.
Oh,that's true.
We just need to open up our minds.
It'd be nice if it was something healthy,though.
- Oxygen bar! - Juice bar! Wine bar! Ooh,bar bar! Settle down.
I'm sorry,I'm just so stressed out.
Would you rub my shoulders? No,I don't like the way you moan.
Want me to rub your shoulders? No,I don't like the way you moan.
I just need someone to rub my shoulders.
I just had a great idea.
Oh,I think I have the same idea.
Arson! Barb,why is that always your idea? No,this place could be a spa.
It's pretty hard to burn a spa.
That's a lot of water.
No,Barb,this place could be a spa in no time.
I mean,we already have the showers and the lockers and the steam room.
We just get Richard to come in here and put a bunch of room dividers up, and that toilet that's always running sounds just like a fountain.
I mean,we are good to go.
Plus,we could get massages anytime we wanted.
- Oh,God, that's so good.
- Get off me! Ugh,I know.
Volunteering at this school is so boring.
Oh,yeah, that's a good idea.
By the way,you're way too old to pull off "LOL.
" You just did "LOL" to me.
No,I did LMAO and I'm three weeks younger than you.
Oh,come on,you know I was kidding.
Besides - You take thaback! - Fine.
Oh,smiley face.
That's nice.
Is this where the volunteers are? I'm filling in for Christine; she's having a crisis.
Oh,rehab.
What? No.
Not yet.
So where is everybody? The ladies are inside sewing costumes for the Colonial Festival.
Where are all the guys? Uh,at work,wearing suits,making money.
I'll be inside with the other ladies.
Everyone has to do their part at this school.
And what's your part? Our nannies do our part.
We wait out here and drive them home.
Why are we waiting out here, when they can take the bus? Because we're good people.
LOL! Good morning.
I'm here to volunteer.
Where should I be? At work,having an affair with your secretary.
Making money.
I'd love to hear the story behind that sometime.
But,uh,seriously, where should I sit? Oh,uh,hmm, let me see There's a seat here.
Oh,good.
Yeah,and you can take it over there.
I should've worn my cup today.
Well,I'm sorry if it was unpleasant for you,Richard, but I need you to volunteer for me there next week.
It's our grand opening.
It wasn't unpleasant, it was unbearable.
None of the women would talk to me.
They were all cliquey and gossipy and awful.
And that was just the nannies.
You know,I've been telling you that for four years.
You said I should just let it go.
Well,now that it's me, it's different.
I understand why no one would talk to you.
This is me .
You know what?We are at that fancy school for Ritchie,okay? So we're going to have to put up with them lording their rich successful lives over us so that, one day,Ritchie can lord his rich successful life over someone else.
That's why we're there? Yeah,it's called "trickle-down parenting.
" - Man,this place looks classy.
- Yeah.
And it smells great,too.
Much less like foot.
Hey,these aren't the cheap tables we picked out.
How did we afford these? - Oh,I got an investor.
- Who? My grandma.
You got her to sign a check? You got to stop tricking that sick old lady.
No,I sold her jewelry.
And she knows about it.
Sometimes.
Anyway,I really feel this is going to solve all of our problems,Barb.
Seriously.
I can feel it.
We're back.
Ooh,Richard,rub my back.
Oh,God.
Ooh,that feels good.
Oh,that's it,right there.
Oh,you are so good at that.
No one's touching you.
Oh,it's still good.
You're about a year and a half away from somebody taking your jewelry.
Oh,hello,Richard.
Any word from Christine? How many days sober does she have? Counting today,zero.
She's opening her spa.
Oh,great.
She's at the spa while we're here slaving away.
How does this look,Mrs.
Marly? The stites are all crooked.
Do it again.
I cannot believe I wasted an entire morning watching that woman sew that vest.
My God,the Guatemalan Colonial Festival must be a disaster.
So,Ted,my old boyfriend,called and said even though we're broken up, he'd like to take me out to dinner.
You know, just as friends.
- Well,that's nice.
- Yeah.
sorry.
- What? - Nothing.
It's just He doesn't want to be friends.
How do you know? It's obvious.
He's not getting any action since you broke up, and he knows a recent ex is a sure thing.
I'm not a sure thing.
What if he buys dinner and a bottle of wine? Oh,God,I'm a sure thing.
So,uh,I mean, wh-what should I do? Do you want to make him fall back in love with you or do you want to say good-bye to this guy? God,it'd be great if I could do both.
You could totally do both.
If I wasn't engaged, I'd fall in love with you and dump you right now.
Okay,thank you.
Barb,I am about to say three words I never thought I'd say.
Let me pay? I just vacuumed? No more wine? No.
Barb,we're a success! That's four words.
Barb,we're success! I know.
I know,we actually have customers.
We've even had returning customers.
We are success.
We're going to be able to do anything we want.
You're going to be able to afford a fancy immigration lawyer.
I'm going to be able to buy my own churro stand.
Remember this moment.
It doesn't get better than this.
Yeah.
- Um,you have a major problem.
- What? You're running a whorehouse.
Of course we are.
Matthew,what are you talking about? Well,I asked the masseuse to focus on my neck, because that's where I hold a lot of stress.
I think it's because of my computer back.
It throws me off balance.
Hmm,that's interesting.
Now tell us about the whorehouse.
She had me lie on my back, and then she made a move,south.
Deep south.
All right,show me on Barb where she touched you.
He may not.
Let me put it like this.
You know how, if you fell off a building, you would grab a flagpole? It was like that,except she fell off the building like four or five times.
And by this time, the building is covered in body oil.
And then,the building rembers he has a girlfriend, so he and his flagpole, they get the hell out of there.
Wait,wait,wait, wait,wait,wait.
Are you the building or the flagpole? I don't know.
I was molested! Would you please keep it down,okay? I'm trying to run a business here.
Well,your business is a whorehouse.
Barb,I don't understand how this could have happened.
We just should've gone with my idea.
Arson? That is illegal,Barb.
Really? Madame Campbell has a problem with arson? Do you think they'realldoing this? I don't know.
I guess we'll have to talk to the girls and try to figure it out.
Look,we're not here to accuse anyone, but it's come to our attention that there's been some inappropriate behavior with the customers.
We just need to find out who was involved.
Define "inappropriate.
" Richard! I saved you a seat next to me.
You had him all day last time.
Sit next to me,Richard.
How about if I sit in the middle? Would that make everyone happy? So,Richard,you were totally right about my ex.
The only reason he called was to sleep with me.
So what did you do? I slept with him.
It's what I would have done.
Look at this.
We don't have a single appointment in this book.
That tall fella was our only draw.
'Cause we don't know anything about running a spa.
We know about gyms.
Women-only gyms.
Yeah.
The problem was the men.
Yep,any business you start that involves men, you're going to end up with a whorehouse.
Or chicken wings.
God,what are we going to do,Barb? We both know what we have to do.
Get more whores.
No.
We have to reopen the gym.
How are we going to reopen the gym if we can't even afford the equipment? Get some investors.
Well,don't look at me.
My other grandma is sharp as a tack.
Don't we know anyone with money? I know people with money.
I'm just so tired of helping.
Thank God the Colonial Festival is almost done.
Yeah,but then we have the Winter Pageant, which leads right into Spring Fling.
Well,I'm just going to have to make sacrifices.
My nanny's not going to be able to visit her family this year.
Hello,ladies.
Listen,I know you're pretty busy with your,um, giant sodas but I have an attractive business opportunity that I thought you might be interested in.
Christine, we're full-time mothers with full-time nannies.
I don't know where we'd find the time.
Okay,well, I'm reopening the gym, and I'm looking for a few choice investors to get in on the ground floor.
You know,and we're almost there.
We're just looking for a little extra cash to pay for-- I don't know-- equipment,bleach,towels, electricity and a a possible lawsuit.
I never thought about running a business.
Oh,no,well,you wouldn't be running it Oh,hey,let's do it.
It might be fun to own a gym.
I don't know, fat people go to gyms, and I'm sorry, I don't love them.
You know what I love? Tiny dogs.
How about a gym for tiny dogs? Ooh,and we can sell tiny clothes for the tiny dogs in the gym.
Little track suits and sportswear-- anything nautical's a hoot.
You know what? Why are we running from it? Let's dump the gym and open a tiny dog clothes store.
Oh,no-no-no-no-no, no,no,no Oh,and we can call it Rowf! Lauren.
No,uh, ladies,no,you're not listening to me.
I would still own the business.
And it's a gym.
For people.
Well,Christine, if it's our money, we'd pretty much own it.
But that's okay,you and your tough friend could manage it for us.
Although,we probably wouldn't need two managers.
That's true.
I'm sorry,we're going to have to let you go.
Okay,here's what you do: Open the door without a shirt on.
Problem solved.
I need to talk to you.
Oh,hey,Patty.
How's it going with Ted? He won't stop calling.
It took me two years to get that creep out of my life.
Why did you tell me to sleep with him? That was terrible advice.
I don't know.
I just wanted you to like me.
Well,now I hate you.
Yeah,that's usually the progression.
Wow,it's my first time in he since the incident.
I think I'm okay.
Don't think I'll ever be able to use coconut body oil again, but I'm okay.
How you doing? I'm looking for a job.
I couldn't take money from Marly and Lindsay.
I mean,asking them for help is more degrading than what that guy was doing to you on the massage table.
Guy Uh,girl.
Nice girl,college girl.
All girl.
God,this is so depressing.
Matthew,there are no jobs.
You know what? I think the economy might be in trouble.
No,no,no,they'd be talking about that.
I mean,it is so complicated starting over.
What about Ritchie, you know? How am I going to find a job that **** Am I going to have to leave him at one of those day care places you hear about on the news,you know? Where they yell at the kids, and they shame them for their pee-pee accidents? Uh,Ritchie's 13.
He should be shamed for his pee-pee accidents.
Christine,I got the money.
I found an investor.
What? Oh,that is incredible! Who? I got rid of my condo.
Oh,you burned down your condo.
No,I sold it.
I don't want to get some boring, regular job with boring, regular people.
I have faith in us.
Me,too.
Why? I don't know, but I think we can do this.
I'm excited about doing it ourselves.
Me,too.
Why? We're married.
We took a vow.
Really? You want to stay married to me, even though it doesn't keep you in the country? My bones are so brittle, you're going to have to push me around in a wheelbarrow.
I don't want to go through another divorce.
Feelings get hurt, cars disappear fire marshals start asking questions.
Wait,was that girl a dude? I always knew we'd end up like this.
And I've got to say, I did not see this coming.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Want to scooch our beds closer together? I do not.
Good night.