The Ranch (2016) s04e12 Episode Script

1 Hold on, you're telling me that you thought US Navy SEALs were actual seals? Like, "arf arf arf" seals? I was 12.
Well, you were dumb.
Was I? Seals are good swimmers.
And awfully hard to see at night.
By the time that terrorist realizes that ball that's bouncing on his nose is a grenade [CLICKS TEETH.]
Boom goes the terrorist.
You know what, I'm gonna stop drinking this, 'cause you're actually making sense.
Hey, you think I can get the day off tomorrow? I need to take Mary up to rehab in Denver.
Yeah, that's no problem.
I'm glad to hear she's getting help.
What's crazy is some people just can't stop.
- [CAR DOOR OPENS.]
- You not gonna drink that beer? Oh, hey, Pops.
Hey, you didn't happen to pick up any beer on the way home, did you? I was at the police station.
They wanted to talk about Nick.
Oh, yeah? Something new pop up? Got any leads? No idea.
Just know they're wasting their time talking to me.
So they didn't mention anyone, or anything? I think they mentioned me wanting you to shut the fuck up.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Cowboys ain't easy to love And they're harder to hold And they'd rather give you a song Than diamonds or gold Lone Star belt buckles And old faded Levi's And each night begins a new day If you don't understand him And he don't die young He'll probably just ride away Mamas, don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Don't let 'em pick guitars Or drive them old trucks Let 'em be doctors and lawyers And such Mamas, don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Whoa! What are you doing? You can't throw that away.
It's got the new Lancôme age-defying lotion sample in it.
Goodbye, crow's feet.
Hello, getting carded at the liquor store.
Hmm.
Jury summons.
Fuck that.
Only way I'm going into a courtroom is in handcuffs for doing something fun and stupid, like riding a two-stroke dirt bike naked through a Walmart.
What's that? Lisa Neumann sent over a box of cigars.
Oh, these are Cubans.
These are commie cigars, Beau.
You want me to burn 'em one by one in my mouth? That's a nice gesture by Lisa.
The deal on this place is officially closed.
Oh, shit.
So, the Iron River Ranch is now the Neumann's Hill Ranch, huh? Hey, I'm sorry to hear that.
Or congrats.
I don't know, you know, whatever makes you less mad is what I'm saying to you.
It is what it is.
Yeah, it is.
And what is it? It means we're gonna be sitting on our porch watching other people work our land.
On the plus side, at least we get to shoot at 'em.
I mean, not at 'em, just close enough to make it funny.
Sitting on our porch? What are you talking about? We gotta move out of here in 60 days.
Lisa's getting the house? She bought the ranch, Colt.
That's what happens when you sell something.
The other person gets it.
What do you mean? Hmm.
I don't think the other person gets it.
I thought you did the same deal with her as what I did with Peterson, you get to keep the house till you die.
Nope, she's talking about putting up a barn or something here.
Well, fuck that.
She ain't gonna tear this place down! This is our house.
Your grandpa built this place.
Me and Rooster were raised here.
You taught me how to throw a football in that field out there.
Don't blame me for that.
Deal's a deal.
Crying about it ain't gonna change it.
Well, then we'll talk to Lisa.
There's gotta be something we can do.
This is the something.
Move on.
Fuck.
I'm sorry, man.
I'm here anytime you want to talk, but not tomorrow, I have the day off.
Colt! - [COLT.]
Yeah, under here.
- Shh! - She just fell asleep in the car.
- What? - [ENGINE CHUGGING.]
- [BABY CRYING.]
- All right, you have fun with her tonight.
- Huh? [MUTTERS, GRUNTS.]
I got some crazy news today.
Is it that loud noises wake up babies? [BABY CONTINUES CRYING.]
My dad's gotta be out of the house in 60 days.
Really? - 60 days? - Yeah.
That makes me so sad.
Iron River was the first place I got drunk, first place I shot a gun, first place I had sex That was a great night.
It's crazy.
I always thought that was gonna be the place where we raised our kids.
Wake up in the morning, watch them open up Christmas presents Them hunting around the pasture looking for Easter eggs Bringing us breakfast in bed on Hangover Day The day after the Super Bowl is not a national holiday.
You take off whatever days you want, I'll take off whatever I want.
I remember the first time I had dinner at your house.
Your dad took me aside to make sure I was having a good time.
So sweet.
He said something to me that stuck with me forever.
[IMITATING BEAU.]
"Abby, I don't know you very well, but trust me, you could do much better than my son.
" The most memories I got of us are in that house.
My dad was right, you could've done better, but you didn't, I won, 'cause I'm a winner.
Look, Colt, I know it's hard losing the place you grew up.
But wherever family is, that's home.
Yeah.
We're separated.
Mom's down in Florida.
Rooster's gone.
Dad told me once him and Joanne get a place, he ain't giving me the address.
[ABBY.]
Okay, well Wherever your Xbox is, that's home.
I appreciate you trying to make me feel better.
All right, look, I know it's a long shot, but any chance you and Peyton could stick around for Thanksgiving dinner? [SIGHS.]
I wish I could, but, you know, we got family flying in just to meet Peyton.
Even my uncle Ed is coming out.
And he and my dad haven't spoken since Ed grew that ponytail.
I get it, I just It's my last Thanksgiving on the ranch, and our baby's first Thanksgiving.
But I'll be fine.
[SIGHS DRAMATICALLY.]
Colt, that worked for the last Pop-Tart, but it's not gonna work with our baby.
I know.
Come on, here, have a good time, all right? [WHIMPERS.]
Ah.
Your dad was right, I could do better.
[LUKE.]
Hey.
It's gonna be okay.
Rehab's just like a hotel, but instead of room service, you have bed check.
You know? Instead of going down to the hotel bar, you go to group therapy.
Same people.
I don't know about this place.
You know, online, they said they have a rewards program for repeat patients.
Listen, this is the number-one-rated rehab that takes my insurance.
[STAMMERS.]
What if this doesn't work? You know? What if I go through all this, and then I just end up relapsing? Then I'll drag you right back here again, and your next stay'll be cheaper, because you'll have those reward points.
I just don't want to disappoint everyone.
All my kids, you Hey, hey, hey.
You're not gonna disappoint me.
I get how scary this is.
Look how much shit I'm supposed to be dealing with and I'm not doing anything about.
Just the fact that you're here makes you braver than me.
Well The fact that you have a Superman night light in the bathroom makes me braver than you.
Oh, so sorry I don't want to piss all over my floor in the middle of the night.
I, uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
I got you something.
I know you're not allowed a phone, and they want you to keep a journal, so I thought I'd get you started.
Oh.
Thanks.
What, is this used? There's already writing in it.
I picked it up at a garage sale.
Some kid writing about starting a band or something.
I got bored when the lead singer got braces and had to quit.
- I'm fucking with you.
- Yeah.
I had people write, you know, some things in there.
[LAUGHS.]
"Thanks for being a fan.
Colt Bennett, number 12.
" [LAUGHS.]
What are you gonna do, he's an asshole.
Oh, it's from Heather.
"Mom, I never told you this, but you're the reason I believe I can do anything.
You're the strongest " This is really sweet.
Thanks.
Hey.
Look at me.
You're gonna do great, okay? We all believe in you.
We're all here for you.
And good news, I popped a couple of nude Polaroids of myself in the back, for them lonely, cold nights.
[LAUGHS.]
Great.
Now I can cry and laugh.
Okay.
Okay, fuck it, I'm just gonna go.
I'm going in.
You got this.
You got it.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- Hey, come on.
It's gonna be okay.
Go get 'em.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- I'm proud of you! [COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY.]
- Hey.
- Hey! What are you doing here? I just took Joanne to the airport, so she could see her sister in Buffalo for Thanksgiving.
- Hmm.
- Buffalo.
I'd rather spend a week inside an actual buffalo.
Well, I just got back from dropping Mary off at rehab.
Pretty thankful you taught me how to hog-tie.
She made a run for it, and I brought her down and tied her up in under 4.
2 seconds.
You were right.
Sometimes they do bite.
It's good Mary's getting her life back on track.
Here's to her sobriety.
Hi, bitches! Nice overalls.
Thank you.
They're unisex.
Wearing those, you'll get no sex.
Nice one, Hank! Yeah.
I'll tell you what else is nice, living life like a kangaroo.
I've got everything I need in here.
I got my wallet, ChapStick, I got Rooster's passport.
Shit goes down, I'm ready to start a new life.
Where are you coming from? Ah Seeing off Abby and Peyton.
- Thank you.
- How are things with you and Abby? Things are I don't know.
I wish I wouldn't have said anything about divorce.
Then they'd be here.
I'd have Peyton strapped to me on a BabyBjÃrn while Ishotgun a beer, and deep-fry some Flamin' Hot Cheeto-crusted turkey.
Just like the pilgrims did it.
I don't know how you're gonna win Abby back, but I do know the first step burning those fucking overalls.
Well, looks like it's gonna be just the three of us this year.
What do you reckon we do? We always went down to Chinatown in Detroit and got dim sum.
You got a Chinatown in Garrison? Chinese restaurant? Chinese person? Cracker Barrel has a turkey dinner.
I'll see you boys on Friday.
What? But, Dad, it's our last Thanksgiving on the ranch.
We got to do something together, something spe Hey, you know what we ain't never done? Sit in silence and drink our beers? Seen a Chinese person in Garrison? No Well, yeah No, what do you say we go out and shoot our own turkey? We talk about doing it, ain't never done it.
This is our last shot.
Can we drink beer while we do that? In the woods.
With guns.
Of course we're gonna drink beer.
Well, that sounds awesome to me.
I've always wanted to go hunting.
You've never gone hunting? How is that possible? You were a soldier.
No, I mean I've shot people, but not animals.
Tell you what, I guarantee you never shot a seal.
They're fucking elusive.
[PHONE DINGS.]
That was Beer Pong.
They want me to come down to the station in the next couple days.
What, now they wanna talk to you about Nick? Well, that or one of you two ratted me out for throwing away my jury summons.
I didn't.
But it is your civic duty.
Plus, it's fun.
[SNICKERS.]
Yeah, of course you'd like jury duty.
Judge orders you not to talk to anyone.
That's bullshit they're bringing you in, bud.
I mean, there ain't no way you could've killed Nick.
Well, technically I could have.
I mean, I took off from the ranch and went over to the trailer.
Maybe I got there before you.
Saw Mary all beaten up, I had a gun in my truck, and fire in my eyes, and anger in my heart.
And I know I didn't do it, but did I do it? I'm surprised somebody didn't kill that son of a bitch earlier.
You know, they ought to be down there talking to Father McGinty.
I saw him at church on Sunday, he had a red stain on his left sleeve, but he serves communion wine with his right hand.
I ain't sayin' it's Making a Murderer season three, but I am.
No, I still think I did it.
- [IMITATING BIRD SQUAWKING.]
- [GUYS LAUGHING.]
You look so serious doing that, but you sound so stupid.
I told you, it draws the hens in.
They oughta make one of them for picking up womens at the bar.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Free beer! Free beer! [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Good listener! Good listener! [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up! Come on, we've been out here for four hours, haven't seen a single bird.
I think these turkeys know it's Thanksgiving tomorrow.
They're all hiding in their houses.
Like The Purge.
I bet come Friday morning, this place is lousy with turkeys.
Yeah.
Only thing this place is lousy with is idiots.
Let's go home.
What? No, we ain't going home.
Come on, we'll go to Dave & Buster's tomorrow, they do Thanksgiving dinner.
You can use a turkey leg to play whack-a-mole.
No, we can go to Dave & Buster's anytime.
Look, Dad, this is our last hunt on the ranch.
There ain't gonna be no next year.
We ain't gonna let it end like this, so we ain't leaving here without a turkey.
You think we could make him believe we saw a turkey run into Dave & Buster's? Why not? I made him believe it's illegal to own cats as pets.
How in the fuck does a seal pull a pin out of a grenade? Dad, we're not talking about an average, normal seal here.
This is a highly-trained navy seal.
They work in pairs.
They're a seal team.
I hate both of you.
Whoa, check this thing out.
Oh, hell yeah.
1950 Ford.
Flathead V8.
Some solid steel.
Not a seat belt or airbag to be found.
Think how much better drivers were back when a fender bender would kill your whole family.
Man, how'd this thing get out here? It was my grandfather's.
He gave it to my dad.
Dad gave it to me, and I gave it to this ditch.
Come on, let's go home.
Whoa! Hold on.
This thing's part of our family history, man.
All right, new plan.
Fuck getting a turkey, let's load this thing up and get her back home.
We're changing the channel from Duck Dynasty to American Pickers.
This thing's worthless.
Let's go.
Whoa, whoa, Dad.
Great-Grandpa bought this.
You leave it here, you're just giving it to Lisa Neumann.
Hasn't she taken enough from you already? Suppose it would be fun to fix it up and never let you drive it.
See, there you go.
Use it to make me feel bad.
We could have some fun fixing this up Snake! [YELLS.]
It's a fan belt.
I'm gonna keep it anyways, though.
My first kill.
Okay, we're good to go.
This time I hooked the straps to the truck instead of Colt's overalls.
Real funny.
They could have torn.
OshKosh B'gosh don't even make these anymore.
[SIGHS.]
Three guys fix up your dad's truck.
This is like a movie.
[DEEP VOICE.]
In a world where they thought they were fixing a truck, they were really fixing each other.
That your version of a deep voice? Good Lord.
[ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
All right, Luke, we're ready! Give her some gas! [REVS ENGINE.]
Come on, a little more than that! All right, it's going.
Whoa! It's hung up on something, Luke, stop! Stop! What the fuck! It's been out here too long.
What are you fucking thinking? I couldn't fucking hear you, okay? Yeah, well, I told you to fucking stop! Come on, Colt, it's not Luke's fault.
This damn thing's a bucket of rust.
Yeah, we'll just leave it.
Just like we're leaving the ranch.
I'm the only one who gives a shit about anything around here.
I'd hate to be there when he finds out he's got a hole in the seat of those OshKosh B'gosh.
What are you doing? I'm taking this mantel.
I'm gonna put it above the fireplace at the Peterson ranch.
You can't do that.
We've been all over this.
This is Lisa's place now.
This mantel ain't Lisa's.
That's from the old oak tree, where me and Rooster used to have our tire swing.
Then after it got struck by lightning, the three of us made it into this.
And these holes right here That's where we used to hang our Christmas stockings.
Not that one.
That one's from where Rooster shot me, after he said, "Calm down, it ain't loaded".
And I'm glad he didn't hit you.
I was also disappointed in his aim.
Colt, sit down.
Lisa's taking a bulldozer to this place.
You don't even give a shit.
- We don't know what she's gonna do.
- I ain't gonna wait around to find out.
I'm taking anything that's special to us.
Grandpa installed that oven.
I'm taking it.
That wood-burning stove over there, that took care of a lot of report cards for me.
I'm taking it.
And don't even think I'm leaving behind my Delta 7-Spray Showerhead.
That don't have a flow restrictor on it, that ain't even street legal anymore.
Colt, stop.
Stop! We're about to lose everything.
It's all my fault.
Sit down.
That truck we found today was the truck I drove to the bar the day my dad had his heart attack.
You guys had that big fight? Yep.
I basically told him to go fuck himself.
I left him out in that pasture working by himself.
I came back, he was gone.
I wanna give you a big hug right now, but that would probably just make you more sad.
It would.
I didn't know what to do with myself.
I hopped back up in the truck and just started driving.
I was pissed off and drunk, those old service roads are dark.
Took a turn going too fast.
Put the truck in that ditch.
Why did you leave it there? Every time I went back for it, it reminded me of the day my dad died out in that field while I was out drinking.
Eventually, I just stopped going back.
Be easier just to forget it was ever there.
Yep.
I hear that.
I carried the guilt of my dad's death for years.
But the fact is, he ate a pound of bacon and smoked two packs a day.
If he hadn't died that day, he'd have died soon after.
He'd have never survived the Jimmy Carter inauguration.
You can't blame yourself for this.
It's my fault.
If I'd never bought the Peterson place, we'd still If I'd had Iron River in better shape, you wouldn't have had to buy the Peterson If I hadn't played football, maybe we'd be in better If I'd been a better father, maybe you wouldn't have left.
We could do this all day.
Hell, if my Great-uncle Walter had kept his shares in the silver mine, we'd own the fucking Broncos.
I don't blame you for losing this place.
Just gonna be hard to leave.
Not for me.
I love new things.
Course I'm gonna miss it.
But maybe it's for the best.
I kept saying that I wanted to spend more time with Joanne.
Now I actually get to do it.
That's right, you guys are going to Spain, right? I'm being nice to you.
Why in the fuck would you bring that up? All right.
We got three Hungry-Man dinners for three hungry men.
Oh.
Just got it.
Uh what the hell? I got two servings of green beans and no cobbler.
Huh.
That's weird, I got two cobblers and no green beans.
I'd trade you, but who are we to play God? Anybody touches my cobbler, there's only gonna be two hungry men left.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Before we start eating, we should go around the table and say what we're thankful for.
I'm thankful that in four minutes, the Cowboys game is gonna be on, and everyone is gonna shut the fuck up.
Okay, it kind of needs to be about family, Dad.
I'm thankful that in four minutes, the Cowboys game is gonna be on, and my family is gonna shut the fuck up.
All right, I'll go.
You know, in all seriousness, when my mom passed away, I didn't really think I'd ever have a Thanksgiving dinner with family again.
So, I'm really grateful for both of you.
And I'm grateful for whoever convinced women it's okay to wear yoga pants over at the grocery store.
Yeah.
Yeah Okay, it's my turn.
Uh It's been a tough year.
It's our first Thanksgiving without Rooster.
The last Thanksgiving on the ranch.
It's also the year where I met my daughter, my cousin, and went on one last hunt with my dad.
I'm also thankful for Sephora's VIP program, which will get me in a half-hour early on Black Friday.
Good.
[COLT.]
Is that Abby? I'll be right back.
Hey, don't touch my cobbler.
Of course not.
Split it? Of course.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, pea-pod.
What's What're you doing here? Something go wrong? No.
Actually, this year was great.
Uncle Ed made his tapioca pudding, but got his ponytail stuck in the blender.
My dad had to cut it off to let him free.
When we said what we were thankful for, my dad just held up the ponytail.
Whoa, your dad scalped a guy on Thanksgiving? Why'd you leave? I thought about what you said the other night.
It's our last chance to have Thanksgiving on the ranch, and Peyton's only chance, so I made them serve dinner early so I could get back here.
- That is so sweet.
- [ABBY CHUCKLES.]
Thank you.
Are you gonna cry? 'Cause kickoff is in one minute.
I'm fine.
[INHALES.]
Ah.
Hey, I I stole Luke's cobbler.
If you're hungry, we can split it.
Cobbler? Fuck yeah.
Hey, what are you guys eating Hey, put that down! [COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Girl nobody, nobody, nobody Gonna love you like I do Yeah nobody, nobody, nobody Gonna love you like I do Like I do I'mma love you till the good Lord Comes back for me and you Girl, nobody, nobody, nobody Gonna love you like I do Yeah, nobody, nobody, nobody Gonna love you like I do