The West Wing s04e12 Episode Script
Guns Not Butter
Previously on The West Wing: You put me in that office and the speechwriting staff is gonna resent me.
Don't be ridiculous.
It's a West Wing office.
Everyone in the White House will resent you.
Looks like the junior staffers moved their bicycles here in protest.
- Jean Paul, this is Charlie.
- How do you do? Zoey talks about you.
She talks about you so much I think sometimes I want to kill you.
You know how I feel about you, but don't mess me around on this story.
The three guys out front were U.
S.
Army Rangers.
Danny thinks we somehow got a Gulfstream to land in Bermuda and assassinated Shareef.
The thing is, I'm absolutely certain that's what happened.
Three years in the Senate, four in the White House it's my first time in the Republican Cloakroom.
- What do you think? - You use the same decorator we do.
Damn it, Josh, I decorated the room.
Was Benjamin Harrison banned from here? By Senate resolution, because he was lobbying too much.
And Warren Harding's mistress was impregnated here.
- Prompting another resolution? - No.
Is there any chance that Nearing is soft? - Anything that makes her vote yea? - No.
- You sure? - Yeah.
Look - Herman Morton? - You'd have to rewrite the education bill.
It's 50-50, Jane.
Hoynes has a sleeping bag in there.
- We need to, you and I - The senator's voting no.
Which senator? The one we work for.
- What the hell? - A Liberty Foundation poll A Liberty Foundation poll's about to come out.
Sixty-eight percent say we spend too much on foreign aid.
- Fifty-nine percent want aid cut.
- These people are responding to They're responding to being overtaxed and having that money sent to Burundi instead of their kid's school.
- Now you're for more education funding? - That's not the point.
Of course it polls badly.
The people it's helping aren't the ones answering the phones.
Or paying the taxes or voting.
The senator reached this conclusion when the Liberty He's never liked it, and the poll gives him cover with The New York Times people.
When you say"New York Times," you're not talking about people who work there.
- No.
Look - You mean, people who can read.
It's a quorum call.
I understand what it is.
- Come on, Josh - I think this is crap.
Your boss has known about this poll and he's embarrassing the president because he spent too much time with the other guy.
We begged you to keep out of Colorado.
On the first vote out of the box.
Bartlet had Colorado from the convention.
He went there five times.
President Bartlet.
You're one vote down on foreign aid.
- The curse of every daughter's father.
- Boyfriends? - I don't like them at all.
- Yes, I know, sir.
What the hell happened with you two? It was perfect.
- I just kept you in the office.
- She was unhappy I was at the office.
That's the point.
If I was trying to make her happy, I'd buy her a Cabriolet.
C-Jean, stable economies with free-flowing uranium don't make for a stable world community.
Did I make that point? - Is there a cow on my schedule today? - Heifer International.
Don't worry.
A cow.
I shouldn't worry about it.
It's a photo-op with a cow, not a sit-down.
- I like your sass.
- You've got a very nice sass yourself.
- What, you touring? - I could.
Eagle's in daylight.
- I'm all right? On time? - Yes, sir.
How you doing? Good to see you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
Thank you.
- Shake my hand, please.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Good to see you.
- How are you? - President Bartlet.
- Thank you.
- You're doing a great job.
- Thank you very much.
- Please.
Please look at that.
- You can hand that to the president.
- I'm not looking for an autograph.
Yes, ma'am.
- Yeah.
- We're a vote down.
-What happened? - Colorado happened.
Charlie.
- How are you? - Mr.
President, we have to go.
Okay, we're coming back.
This is a push poll.
Sixty-eight percent think we spend too much.
- 59 percent think it should be cut.
- This is a push poll.
Respondents estimate foreign aid to be 15% of the budget.
It's 1 percent, or it was a half-hour ago.
Listen.
"The money that goes into foreign aid could be used to reduce the tax burden at home.
Do you support that?" - That's not a push poll? - Come here.
I lose this vote, I'm resigning.
- Will they postpone again? - Not after two continuing resolutions.
- This expires at midnight.
- Is that our problem? It massively is, yes.
What about Grace Hardin? I thought of her.
Can she say no to the president? - She will.
- She's publicly against it, local politics.
- Foreign aid in Georgia? - She's a Democrat.
She owes the president.
Nothing wrong with Georgia that New England can't fix.
- If it's no, it's gotta be a fast no.
- It's not gonna be no.
Put the senior senator from Colorado in the nay column.
Move Grace Hardin to undecided and start the clock.
I hate that clock.
Excuse me, Josh.
- Yeah, you're Bill Bailey, right? - Will Bailey, yeah.
- I'm surprised we haven't met.
- You're busy.
We talked on the phone.
You get a workout talking to someone in this building.
- I've heard the jokes.
What do you need? - I'm with Toby on the inauguration.
I know who you are.
What do you need? I'm in a legislative section talking about bipartisan cooperation and because it was legislative, Toby wanted you involved.
You picked the wrong day to write about bipartisan cooperation.
Sixty-eight percent of respondents think we hand out too much in foreign aid.
Fifty-nine percent think it should be cut.
Were you talking to me just then? - Read me what you got so far.
-"The people, in their enduring wisdom have put in office a chief executive of one party and a Congress of another.
- It's our duty to respect" - Strike"in their enduring wisdom.
" Electing a reactionary Congress and a progressive president was wise? The people, in a fog of uncertainty unsure of the difference, split tickets across the country.
Well, I agree, but I think Toby would say that lacks poetry.
Sixty-eight percent says too much.
Fifty-nine percent wanna see it cut.
You know, there's plenty of work I can do in the meantime.
I'll find you later.
- Hey, Ted.
- Will.
Okay.
- I need Senator Hardin.
- Leo's office called over, and we're on it.
Good.
- Are you gonna try Cantina? - We're gonna try everybody but Cantina's never voted to send any money anywhere.
- I think he's against airmail stamps.
- What about McKenna? He needs Republican votes on broadband access.
And you think you're gonna have luck with Grace Hardin? She's a freshman Democrat.
She can't say no to the president.
Have you seen how foreign aid polls in Georgia? There's a hockey coach who's got a player squandering his potential.
Coach says, "Are you ignorant or apathetic?" The player says, "I don't know, and I don't care.
" Yeah, I've seen how foreign aid polls in Georgia.
Grace might be tough to get to the phone.
- We've been here before.
- Tell me about it.
You had two strategies shouted down.
You can't take the fall.
My job is to execute the plays Leo calls.
Were you serious before about resigning? Are we looking for Hardin?! They're on it.
This pile goes to Personal Correspondence for special handling.
These go to Main Correspondence.
So, Charlie, what it is you do is, you sort the mail for Zoey's father.
Yeah, I guess.
You don't like me, because I'm with Zoey.
- Jean Paul, I'm kind of working here.
- Oh, I understand.
- There's a great deal of mail to sort.
- Also classified intelligence cables.
And a meeting to break up between a president and a king, so Stacy, that big, blue envelope, where is it going? General Correspondence.
A servicewoman talking about food stamps.
- She was in the service? - You know her? No.
Okay.
No.
You know what? Leave it here.
Let me read it.
Will the White House delay the vote? Like I said, the continuing resolution expires at midnight.
If Congress doesn't act, no foreign aid.
What's your reaction to Mosley saying,"We throw money at problems halfway around the world.
" President wishes the Republican leader would throw money at problems here but doesn't wish that the U.
S.
retreat as a world leader.
Foreign aid's been cut 50º% º in the last decade.
In percentage of GNP spent, we rank dead last.
Mark.
Was it a bad idea to make the first bill such a controversial one? The president doesn't believe that should be taken into consideration.
Steve.
A Democratic senator says that if this goes down, it'll stall momentum We're not responding to a blind quote, we just assume you made it up.
- I'm not kidding.
Thank you.
- Thank you, C.
J.
Danny, come back to the office for a second.
What'd the president say about Mosley's"halfway around the world"? - He said,"What a tool.
" - I figured.
You can say several senior administration officials say the White House will have a good memory when the transportation bill comes up.
You don't mind blind quotes when they're from you.
Okay.
So I'll walk your threat around for you, but - Yes? - The pilot on Shareef's Gulfstream.
- What do you think I'm gonna say? - His name was Jamil Bari.
The first thing you wanna do is find out if Jamil Bari had any history of pilot error to see if that contributed to the crash.
So my new assistant, Maisy, she found out that Jamil Bari got a certificate of qualification on the Gulfstream in 1994.
- Was that it? - Yeah, that's it.
That's all we've been able to find out.
We've been checking aviation schools, and we can't find him.
There are a lot of schools.
We'll check them all.
- Sooner or later, you'll find him? - Sure.
You know, I gotta tell you, your tie goes with your shirt, and your jacket You're dating a college graduate, aren't you? Maisy ain't never gonna find him, C.
J.
Jamil Bari is an invented identity for someone.
It has to be.
For this thing to have worked, the pilot had to be one of our guys.
Yeah, I just meant it was a nice tie.
- I'll be around all day for the vote.
- Okay.
What's up there, Gail? Somebody talking to the Dirksen office? - She's at the campaign office.
- Campaign office says she's at district.
- District office is in Atlanta.
- That's where she is.
- District office? - Says she's on her way back.
It's a commercial flight? An hour and a half, we can't find a U.
S.
senator? She doesn't want the call.
She's on her way back here.
- She'll disappear till the vote.
- Your job is to take this, find her and stick it in her hand.
Make big plays.
Donna, Delta flight 15 lands at National in 35 minutes.
We live in an interdependent world, and we should act like it.
We live in a global community, and we should sustain it.
We should cross borders.
We should cross borders to build sustainable democracies that can banish privation and fear.
And we should cross borders to bring food and medicine and roads and schools and teachers to parts of the world forgotten by all but warlords.
We're gonna pass this foreign-ops bill.
This should be a century of hope and prosperity everywhere.
And America's gonna lead the world and not just bully it.
Thank you.
- What the hell is going on? - That was great.
Hey, thanks, Peach Patch.
What the hell is going on? Hardin's a yes if we can get her on the phone.
Which is why we can't get her? She's been a little slippery, but this is where Josh eats.
We have many, many backup plans in the works? Josh has broken people into teams, and they're developing and executing rapid-response backup plans? Yeah, okay.
Toby, we should probably have a backup plan.
- Oh, my God.
- A split second of humor injected in the middle of a stressful day.
We're talking about the act of a friend.
My daughter's dating a kid better-looking than my wife.
I have only so much RAM to give over to C.
J.
! - Yes.
- Sorry, but again, there's a cow? - A photo-op with a cow.
- Yeah, I got that part.
Heifer International.
They give cows to families in developing nations.
And that's great, but a picture of me and a cow.
You're okay with that art? I have my concerns.
- Why did you agree to it? - It's an organization certainly worthy - Abbey set it up? - I'll figure a way to make it work.
Good luck.
Turn around casually and tell me if Le Vicomte de Valvert's got his hands near anyone who's related to me.
- That is a good-looking young man.
- Zoey! - I don't respond when you shout.
- You'd respond if I stopped feeding you! - Ignore him.
- Oh, yes, I do.
This envelope that interests you, it was what? - What envelope? - A woman on a rope line this morning.
An Army private.
Her family's on food stamps.
- An American soldier on food stamps? - It's a big family.
- You read this letter as if it was special.
- She handed it right to me.
And after you read it, you just throw it on the pile.
- Yes.
- So this woman, she sees you next to Zoey's father, and she doesn't know that you're powerless to help.
I'm not powerless.
I called the DoD and asked them to give special notice to her letter.
- Charlie.
- Yes, sir.
Give me that blue envelope back.
I gotta call the DoD.
Who writes this handholding crap for the president anyhow? Free food and the gentle lady from Tennessee.
The food wasn't free, and is the president comfortable defining 50 years of security policy as bullying? He wasn't talking about the last half-century.
What happened to politics stopping at the water's edge? - Food's apolitical.
- At 10:30 tonight, it ain't.
You guys are gonna have a bit of a time getting Gracie Hardin on the phone.
Jimmy, you wanna tell me something I don't know? I got a yea vote for you.
- Whose? - Mine.
Can I be in your office in an hour? - Can you be there in half an hour? - No.
Okay.
Thank you.
They phoned ahead and said you wanted this back.
Yeah.
Thanks.
-Good afternoon, the Pentagon.
- Sergeant Major Moreland, please.
Just a moment.
Secretary's office.
This is Charlie Young from the office of the president.
Please hold.
Yes, this is Colonel Wolf.
Oh, no, I was calling for Sergeant Moreland.
-Yes, Mr.
Young, how can I help you? - No, sir, I wouldn't want to impose.
- I play basketball with Barry Moreland.
-Sergeant Moreland works for me.
How can I help the president? Well, no, it's not On a rope line, I was handed a letter from an enlisted woman whose family is eligible for food stamps.
I was wondering whose eyes I could put it in front of.
-Mine.
You'll send it today? - Thank you.
Yes, sir.
You can't find Grace Hardin? We're at the airport, we're at Dirksen, we're at her house, her gym.
We're at her Senate office, second office.
We're at her lawyer's office, we're at her husband's office.
- I know you're up against it.
- Legislative section.
I cut"enduring wisdom.
" "The American people have spoken.
They have chosen a president of one party and a Congress of another.
" You say that like constitutional scholars made a conscious choice weighing checks and balances - They did make a choice.
In their defense, a lot of people have a hard time seeing the difference.
Are any of those people in this room? No.
One wants to save Social Security, the other wants to privatize it.
One wants to make polluters pay to clean up pollution the other wants to give tax breaks so they can pollute more.
- One wants to send aid to countries - Okay.
Yeah.
Cantina voted no on U.
N.
dues, no on Kosovo peacekeeping.
- He's just gonna burn time.
- No kidding.
- Toby? - Yeah.
- Hoebuck? - He came to me.
He authored a bill to insert the word"God" into the Pledge of Allegiance four more times.
Yeah.
Well, once you've broken that dam, what the hell does it matter? - Here's what I want for my vote.
- Yeah.
- A hundred and fifteen thousand.
- Million.
- I'm sorry? - You said 115,000.
You meant million.
I appreciate that Democrats know how to read my mind, but I meant 115,000.
- For what? - I want to pay people to pray.
- Out of the federal budget? - Yeah.
And this woman leads a world-class team of psychiatrists? Not exactly, but you're awfully close.
This is Dr.
Gwendolyn Chen, she's chief cardiologist at Duke Medical Center.
Have you heard of intercessory prayer or remote prayer? This is where you draw up a list of sinners and People pray for you even though you're not aware of it.
Yeah, C.
J.
got spammed with that a few months ago.
Was that before or after her agent got shot at a fruit stand? Do you wanna make a rim-shot out of an agent getting dead? Do you really wanna refer to people's prayers as spam? - Dr.
Chen, what are you doing here? - Go ahead, please.
We completed a double-blind, placebo-controlled study.
- This isn't happening.
- I'll point out that Duke is nonsectarian and Dr.
Chen is agnostic.
A thousand heart patients were split into two groups.
Half were prayed for by volunteers, the other half weren't.
The patients that were prayed for I know it sounds crazy but the patients that were prayed for, Pacific College of Medicine, Mid America Heart Institute and 12 other studies.
Published in The New England Journal of Medicine? A hundred and fifteen thousand for a wider study.
This one by the NIH.
foreign-aid bill.
That's all.
Dr.
Chen? - It was nice meeting you.
- Dr.
Chen.
Passengers of Delta flight 378 from Atlanta proceed to baggage claim area three located on level one of Terminal B.
Ellen? - Ellen? - Hey, Donna.
- Where's the senator? - What? The district office said she was on Delta 15.
She wasn't.
She came in this morning.
We were just cleaning up things at the home store.
I'm trying to arrange a call to Senator Hardin from the president.
As soon as I track her down, we'll set it up.
- I appreciate that.
- Okay, I'll see you.
Thanks.
Sir? Excuse me.
My name is Donna, and if you look at me you'll know that I'm not gonna steal from you.
- Can I borrow that envelope? - Yeah.
It's nothing, but here.
- Excuse me, is it Rick? - Jason.
I'm new.
This needs to get to the senator.
Are you going with Dirksen? The senator's at the Women in Media luncheon.
Right.
Stupid, stupid.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Well, first of all, that's not a cow.
It's not.
It's a goat.
Yeah, I may have agreed to something about a goat.
Did the first lady get you drunk and take you shopping? Yes.
The name of the group is Heifer International.
I was under the impression it was gonna be a cow.
- Lending presidential aura to the photo.
- What we're gonna do is we're gonna wait until after the vote.
If we don't win, it'd be a mistake for this to run.
- How big a mistake? - My job would've hung in the balance.
- In the balance? - Goats are heifers too? I don't know.
If the president's wearing a hat or that thing's wearing a Bartlet button I'm hiding snakes in your car.
- Don't say that, even to joke.
You're never gonna know where they are or if you got them all out.
Excuse me.
They're gonna lay their eggs right in the glove compartment.
So this is gonna be a little while.
Can you wait? Well, Ron doesn't do that well in the cold.
- Are you Ron? - I'm Mike.
- Of course.
We'll find a room for him.
- I have oats in the truck.
Well, you should bring the oats because the mess closes at 6.
Okay.
This was delivered to my desk, but it's for you.
A memo your office ordered from the Pentagon.
I can't order memos from the Pentagon.
I can't order memos from anywhere.
I don't have an office.
I work in the Oval Office.
Well, that may have been the confusion.
This is about I just called the deputy's aide and told him to look out for Who at the Pentagon thinks I can order a memo? The secretary of defense.
All right, there's been a mistake.
- You haven't shown this to anyone else? - No.
But it's cc'd to the joint chiefs and the secretary of state.
Anyone here? - Yeah, here it is.
POTUS, V-POTUS.
- Yeah.
- Leo McGarry and you.
- I see.
What do you think it says? "Revised DoD offsets and cost structure adjustments" for the coming fiscal year and every other fiscal year.
The table of contents is six pages long.
- You should read it.
- Yeah.
You want me to fix you up a piece a salmon? - No, thanks, Giuseppe.
- What about fettuccine? - Beano's using a new cream.
- I tried it last week the technology conference.
It's the best.
- The dais still exits through here, right? - You can go in and stand in the back.
She's trying not to scare somebody.
Would you leave the child alone? - I'm trying to feed her.
- Twenty-two years in Washington D.
C spent all in the kitchen.
He doesn't know how the place works.
Maybe I could learn something if I beat you about the head with a sturdy ladle.
- Ellen? - Wow.
You know what you are? The little aide who could.
- She wasn't on the dais.
- She had to cancel.
I read a letter.
Ellen, here's the situation.
I've been asked Excuse me, it's Josh.
Yeah.
That's great.
Who? All right.
We've got two yes votes, McMichael and Schapp.
The senator can come out of the woods.
I'm coming in.
Here's an inauguration joke about the first Jewish president.
His mother leans over and says: "You see that guy with his hand raised? His brother's a doctor.
" - That's good.
- You like it? If the president's been booked into Ha-Ha's in Cleveland.
- It wasn't for the speech.
- Then why did you tell it? - Sometimes people tell jokes.
- It was funny.
What do you want? That's exactly the reaction I was hoping to elicit.
Does it bother you that for all the bashing, the voters are no bargain.
- No.
- Why? I make a living writing jokes.
Not a good one.
They think you can have more spending and cut taxes at the same time.
It takes two politicians running against each other saying: "It won't happen, but here's what I'll do.
" - Is that all it takes? - When we were kids you'd never shut up about the founders.
This is what they wanted.
Clearly, you weren't listening much.
The founders were scared of the people.
They gave them the guns.
You know the picture of Dad's father with Churchill? He said the best argument against democracy was five minutes with a voter.
- Grandpa said that? - Churchill.
- It doesn't sound like Grandpa.
- Thank you for the coffee.
- Willy? - Don't call me that.
You took a guy's office who became part of the family.
They'll stop with the bicycles, Seaborn posters and the cold shoulder.
- Yeah, I'm all right.
I'm focused.
- Hey, cool goat.
When did you get it? Professional comedian, Elsie I think it's great that you keep oats in the office, just in case.
- When these people find out that kind - Leave me now.
I'm focused.
Please.
Sure.
Hey, what's going on? Well, Donna tried to flush her out.
She did it well, but - What? - She named names.
So her staff made two phone calls, and Hardin dove back under the bed.
Well, you were right.
Hoebuck's crazy.
- What did he want? - A hundred and fifteen thousand dollars.
- Million.
- No, thousand.
- For what? - It doesn't matter.
- For what? - An NIH study on remote prayer.
- You're kidding.
- He brought a Duke cardiologist A hundred and fifteen thousand, he votes yes on foreign ops? - It's the government investing in - I don't care if it's communion wafers.
- It's the government - We'll deal with it tomorrow.
- Well, I already dealt with it today.
- Not yet, and the clock's running.
I'm going to Leo.
I had asked an assistant I know to give it special attention.
I don't know the woman or anything, it wasn't patronage.
But I was You know.
I was showing off for Zoey.
There are a couple of thousand military families on food stamps.
I can't stand it.
The Pentagon knows it.
Some families are eligible, some aren't but to change it, they'd have to raise everyone's pay which they can't do.
This memo's a reminder.
It's a get-off-our-backs memo.
And you thought you were done with turf wars.
- Did it cause any damage? - Decommissioned two aircraft carriers.
- Really? - No.
Thank you, Mr.
President.
I'll be outside.
- Zoey's growing up nicely, isn't she? - Yes, she is.
I'm on your side in this thing, but just by a little bit.
- Because he's French and royal.
- Yes.
These are very special circumstances under which we're allies.
Understood, sir.
- You still got it? - Sir? - The letter from the rope line.
- Yes, sir.
- Put it in my bag tonight.
- Yes, sir.
- Mr.
President.
- Mr.
McGarry.
Mr.
Ziegler.
Mr.
Lyman.
Miss Cregg.
It's The Temptations.
I love you guys.
You think you've heard everything, but you haven't.
- Hit me.
- Toby.
James Hoebuck will vote yea at 10:30 if we give him $ 115,000.
- Million? - Thousand.
115,000.
- For an RV? What's he want? - An NIH study on remote prayer.
I like it.
There should be a button on my desk I can press and 49 people pray for me.
I got prayed for by 3 million people.
- How'd it work out? - Good for me.
Can't vouch for what they were praying for.
- Well, that's the problem.
- Excuse me.
- Yes.
- The Earth is rotating rapidly on its axis.
Okay, well, good news.
Keep us posted on that.
We're moving into 8:00 now.
- Is there something I should be doing? - We should talk about Jimmy Hoebuck.
Wait, you guys didn't come in here to tell me something funny? Three of us did.
You are the wild card, my friend, because you You will throw out the baby and the bath water at curtain time if it means - Excuse me.
- Feel free to interrupt.
Do you think the people who get this money care about an NIH study? I don't care if they care, I care! And by the way, so do you.
A hundred and fifteen thousand is what Commerce spends on Post-its.
- Toby? - Threats to civil liberties only ever come a few dollars at a time.
It's a medical study.
The Nuclear Test Ban Treaty doesn't prohibit radiation therapy.
Sufi Muslims, Orthodox Jews, Indian shamans It works with everybody.
It's not promoting Christianity.
Well, in my faith, we've known it's worked for 2000 years.
I never knew there was data available, but okay.
- Anything else, sir? - No.
- Thank you, Mr.
President.
- Thank you, sir.
- Maxine? - That's you.
I know.
- I apologize for interrupting before.
- I don't care.
What I was gonna say I'll toss it all overboard if it means winning and I think that's not true, and I'd ask you to support that with evidence.
I'm sorry, I don't know why I keep doing that.
You're not willing to toss it overboard to win.
You're willing to toss it overboard to avoid disappointing Leo.
Know what the difference is between you and me? I wanna be the guy.
You wanna be the guy the guy counts on.
- We lost.
- We know.
We can introduce another continuing resolution.
Ninety days.
- And work down? - Seventy-five percent of current funding? - If we can get it.
- You understand if we introduce another continuing resolution, about 10 Democrats will jump on as a reason to vote no on this.
It means losing 60-40 instead of 51-49.
When I lose, I don't look for consolation in the score, and I know you don't.
So it's what we should do, right? Yeah.
All right, tough beat.
- It's an unbelievably tough beat.
- Yes, sir.
- Zoey's growing up nicely, isn't she? - Man, I'll say.
I go for kiss-ass today, and the ball goes in the gutter.
- Anything else? - Thank you, Mr.
President.
I said the names.
It didn't matter.
She knows how to count to 51.
It would've loosened things up for an hour.
I'm sorry.
Shake it off.
And don't listen to the naysayers, you've got a big future as a stalker.
I always felt like I had the makings.
I just had an interesting moment.
I just recommended to the president that he buy a yea vote for $ 115,000 and the Bill of Rights.
Don't you mean 115 million? Jimmy Hoebuck wanted to fund a study on remote prayer for $ 115,000.
- Is it me, or is this getting harder? - It's getting harder.
I'd say we're gonna make more enemies but I don't know if anybody's left on the list.
You took funding for remote prayer to the president? Oh, I did it with gusto.
Because you don't know the story of"Fishhooks" McCarthy.
Is this a real person or a Donna person? A corrupt politician on the Lower East Side in the '20s.
Every morning, he stopped at St.
James Church on Oliver Street and said the same prayer, "Lord, give me health and strength.
We'll steal the rest.
" Not that there needs to be, but was there a point? You've got health and strength, both of which I prayed for after hot lead was shot into your body.
Yeah, and you're gonna need some kryptonite, by the way.
Okay, settle down.
- All right.
- So you've got health and strength.
- And we'll steal the rest? - Bet your ass.
All right.
Good work tonight.
- Hi.
- What's up, Mr.
Daley? - Bailey.
- Bill Bailey? Will Bailey.
If we're lucky, foreign aid's gonna be funded for another 90 days at 75 cents on the dollar.
No one who has ever said they wanted bipartisanship has ever meant it.
But the people are speaking.
Because 68º% º think we give too much in aid, and 59º% º think it should be cut.
- You like that stat.
- I do.
- Why? - Because 9 percent think it's too high and shouldn't be cut! Nine percent of respondents could not get their arms around the question.
There should be a box you can check for: "I have utterly no idea what you're talking about.
Don't ask for my input.
" Why is foreign aid important? - It fosters democracies.
- There you go.
Well, well-played, young man.
Very good.
Yes, yes.
You realize, for a second there, you changed voices? Someone said,"The best argument against democracy is five minutes with a voter.
" Churchill.
He said,"Democracy is the worst form of government except for all the others.
" I'll work with you on the legislative section.
- But after the vote.
We'll get some food.
- Yes.
Excuse me, please.
Excuse me.
You put a goat in my office, and I just want you to know that I stand here with full humor and total focus.
Fill my office with bicycles.
Cover the windows with Seaborn posters.
You can bring in 101 dalmatians.
I'm focused on what I'm doing.
- Who are you? - I'm Will Bailey.
- C.
J.
Cregg.
- It's very nice to meet you.
- I didn't put the goat in your office.
- You didn't? I put it in the office of a new guy Toby and Josh are giving a hard time to.
Wait.
You understand I'm working on the inaugural address? - How's that going? - There are bikes and goats in my office! All right.
Any care and feeding I should know about? The goat has a handler.
I'll get it No, I'll take my hazing like the Eton valedictorian I am.
What's his name? - Which one? - The handler.
- Mike.
- The goat has a name? - Ron.
- Thank you.
Where do you learn to run out the clock like that? The senator's voting her conscience.
She understands foreign aid.
She's supposed to do what's right.
She's supposed to do what the people think is right.
Will you take this and walk it to her on the floor? That's all you have to do.
All time has expired.
The yeas and nays have been ordered.
Win some, you lose some.
Can I tell you something? Josh has asked me to work Saturdays, Sundays and he has me there after 1 a.
m.
He's asked me to transpose portions of the budget into base 8 go to North Dakota and dress as an East German waitress.
In five years working for him, he's never asked me to hide him from something.
Can I have my boss's phone back? Thank you.
The question is on the passage of the bill.
The clerk will call the roll.
- You having that? - Yes.
- All of it? - Yes.
- What about this? - Yes.
- I'm pointing at 23 packets of soy sauce.
- I give them to the homeless.
- Helpful.
- Talking through the vote? You'll lose this 60-40.
Did I ruin the end? - Could you have this much sensitivity? - No.
- Why? - Because you blew it.
The Senate blew it.
We did everything but pass a hat.
Nobody wants to put money in Botswana when we got hats here! You can't make this about charity.
It's about self-interest.
We cut farm assistance in Colombia.
Every single crop we developed was replaced with cocaine.
We cut aid for primary education in northwest Pakistan and Egypt the kids went to madrasahs.
Why weren't you making a case that Republican senators are bad on drugs and bad on national security? Why are Democrats always so bumfuzzled? By the way, 65 more flight schools today.
Maisy hasn't found your guy.
Don't worry, there are thousands more.
You know something, General Cho? If you had a story, you'd write it.
If you don't have one, shut up.
We just lost a vote.
We're not bumfuzzled.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to cancel a photo-op with a goat.
-Mr.
Conrad.
-Yea.
-Ms.
DiAngelo.
-Nay.
-Mr.
Dan Forrest.
-Nay.
Tough beat, everybody.
Thanks for the work.
Next time, we let Josh do it the way he wants.
- Sir, have you met? - Bill Haley.
- Will Bailey.
- Okay.
- Good evening.
- When's this cow thing? - It's a goat now.
- Okay.
We'll cancel it.
- You think? - A milking goat? It's gonna seem like a parody of foreign aid.
I don't know.
I don't know, everybody, C.
J.
wants to cancel the goat picture.
Half the world's people live on less than 2 dollars a day 130 million will never step inside a schoolhouse ingredients for bombs can be purchased at hardware stores and we've just given the Third World just what the doctor ordered: rollbacks.
Heifer International, they give free cows and goats to people who need milk? - Yes, sir.
Then I don't think we're in position to be snotty.
Let's do it.
Let's do it right now.
- Carol.
- They're right out here.
I think this will work.
I think it says,"Well, you're impoverished, and while we don't care we don't want you to go away empty-handed so we offer this goat to give you milk.
" Do male goats give milk? No.
No, of course they don't.
So we offer you this thing that'll just gnaw on your stuff.
I'm not standing in this picture alone.
This was a total team failure.
Stand where you want, but I want my chief of staff and my chief political adviser standing near the goat.
Let's go! Hang on a second.
May I? Thank you.
- Now we're ready.
- Let's go.
Set that clock for 90 days.
Don't be ridiculous.
It's a West Wing office.
Everyone in the White House will resent you.
Looks like the junior staffers moved their bicycles here in protest.
- Jean Paul, this is Charlie.
- How do you do? Zoey talks about you.
She talks about you so much I think sometimes I want to kill you.
You know how I feel about you, but don't mess me around on this story.
The three guys out front were U.
S.
Army Rangers.
Danny thinks we somehow got a Gulfstream to land in Bermuda and assassinated Shareef.
The thing is, I'm absolutely certain that's what happened.
Three years in the Senate, four in the White House it's my first time in the Republican Cloakroom.
- What do you think? - You use the same decorator we do.
Damn it, Josh, I decorated the room.
Was Benjamin Harrison banned from here? By Senate resolution, because he was lobbying too much.
And Warren Harding's mistress was impregnated here.
- Prompting another resolution? - No.
Is there any chance that Nearing is soft? - Anything that makes her vote yea? - No.
- You sure? - Yeah.
Look - Herman Morton? - You'd have to rewrite the education bill.
It's 50-50, Jane.
Hoynes has a sleeping bag in there.
- We need to, you and I - The senator's voting no.
Which senator? The one we work for.
- What the hell? - A Liberty Foundation poll A Liberty Foundation poll's about to come out.
Sixty-eight percent say we spend too much on foreign aid.
- Fifty-nine percent want aid cut.
- These people are responding to They're responding to being overtaxed and having that money sent to Burundi instead of their kid's school.
- Now you're for more education funding? - That's not the point.
Of course it polls badly.
The people it's helping aren't the ones answering the phones.
Or paying the taxes or voting.
The senator reached this conclusion when the Liberty He's never liked it, and the poll gives him cover with The New York Times people.
When you say"New York Times," you're not talking about people who work there.
- No.
Look - You mean, people who can read.
It's a quorum call.
I understand what it is.
- Come on, Josh - I think this is crap.
Your boss has known about this poll and he's embarrassing the president because he spent too much time with the other guy.
We begged you to keep out of Colorado.
On the first vote out of the box.
Bartlet had Colorado from the convention.
He went there five times.
President Bartlet.
You're one vote down on foreign aid.
- The curse of every daughter's father.
- Boyfriends? - I don't like them at all.
- Yes, I know, sir.
What the hell happened with you two? It was perfect.
- I just kept you in the office.
- She was unhappy I was at the office.
That's the point.
If I was trying to make her happy, I'd buy her a Cabriolet.
C-Jean, stable economies with free-flowing uranium don't make for a stable world community.
Did I make that point? - Is there a cow on my schedule today? - Heifer International.
Don't worry.
A cow.
I shouldn't worry about it.
It's a photo-op with a cow, not a sit-down.
- I like your sass.
- You've got a very nice sass yourself.
- What, you touring? - I could.
Eagle's in daylight.
- I'm all right? On time? - Yes, sir.
How you doing? Good to see you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
Thank you.
- Shake my hand, please.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Good to see you.
- How are you? - President Bartlet.
- Thank you.
- You're doing a great job.
- Thank you very much.
- Please.
Please look at that.
- You can hand that to the president.
- I'm not looking for an autograph.
Yes, ma'am.
- Yeah.
- We're a vote down.
-What happened? - Colorado happened.
Charlie.
- How are you? - Mr.
President, we have to go.
Okay, we're coming back.
This is a push poll.
Sixty-eight percent think we spend too much.
- 59 percent think it should be cut.
- This is a push poll.
Respondents estimate foreign aid to be 15% of the budget.
It's 1 percent, or it was a half-hour ago.
Listen.
"The money that goes into foreign aid could be used to reduce the tax burden at home.
Do you support that?" - That's not a push poll? - Come here.
I lose this vote, I'm resigning.
- Will they postpone again? - Not after two continuing resolutions.
- This expires at midnight.
- Is that our problem? It massively is, yes.
What about Grace Hardin? I thought of her.
Can she say no to the president? - She will.
- She's publicly against it, local politics.
- Foreign aid in Georgia? - She's a Democrat.
She owes the president.
Nothing wrong with Georgia that New England can't fix.
- If it's no, it's gotta be a fast no.
- It's not gonna be no.
Put the senior senator from Colorado in the nay column.
Move Grace Hardin to undecided and start the clock.
I hate that clock.
Excuse me, Josh.
- Yeah, you're Bill Bailey, right? - Will Bailey, yeah.
- I'm surprised we haven't met.
- You're busy.
We talked on the phone.
You get a workout talking to someone in this building.
- I've heard the jokes.
What do you need? - I'm with Toby on the inauguration.
I know who you are.
What do you need? I'm in a legislative section talking about bipartisan cooperation and because it was legislative, Toby wanted you involved.
You picked the wrong day to write about bipartisan cooperation.
Sixty-eight percent of respondents think we hand out too much in foreign aid.
Fifty-nine percent think it should be cut.
Were you talking to me just then? - Read me what you got so far.
-"The people, in their enduring wisdom have put in office a chief executive of one party and a Congress of another.
- It's our duty to respect" - Strike"in their enduring wisdom.
" Electing a reactionary Congress and a progressive president was wise? The people, in a fog of uncertainty unsure of the difference, split tickets across the country.
Well, I agree, but I think Toby would say that lacks poetry.
Sixty-eight percent says too much.
Fifty-nine percent wanna see it cut.
You know, there's plenty of work I can do in the meantime.
I'll find you later.
- Hey, Ted.
- Will.
Okay.
- I need Senator Hardin.
- Leo's office called over, and we're on it.
Good.
- Are you gonna try Cantina? - We're gonna try everybody but Cantina's never voted to send any money anywhere.
- I think he's against airmail stamps.
- What about McKenna? He needs Republican votes on broadband access.
And you think you're gonna have luck with Grace Hardin? She's a freshman Democrat.
She can't say no to the president.
Have you seen how foreign aid polls in Georgia? There's a hockey coach who's got a player squandering his potential.
Coach says, "Are you ignorant or apathetic?" The player says, "I don't know, and I don't care.
" Yeah, I've seen how foreign aid polls in Georgia.
Grace might be tough to get to the phone.
- We've been here before.
- Tell me about it.
You had two strategies shouted down.
You can't take the fall.
My job is to execute the plays Leo calls.
Were you serious before about resigning? Are we looking for Hardin?! They're on it.
This pile goes to Personal Correspondence for special handling.
These go to Main Correspondence.
So, Charlie, what it is you do is, you sort the mail for Zoey's father.
Yeah, I guess.
You don't like me, because I'm with Zoey.
- Jean Paul, I'm kind of working here.
- Oh, I understand.
- There's a great deal of mail to sort.
- Also classified intelligence cables.
And a meeting to break up between a president and a king, so Stacy, that big, blue envelope, where is it going? General Correspondence.
A servicewoman talking about food stamps.
- She was in the service? - You know her? No.
Okay.
No.
You know what? Leave it here.
Let me read it.
Will the White House delay the vote? Like I said, the continuing resolution expires at midnight.
If Congress doesn't act, no foreign aid.
What's your reaction to Mosley saying,"We throw money at problems halfway around the world.
" President wishes the Republican leader would throw money at problems here but doesn't wish that the U.
S.
retreat as a world leader.
Foreign aid's been cut 50º% º in the last decade.
In percentage of GNP spent, we rank dead last.
Mark.
Was it a bad idea to make the first bill such a controversial one? The president doesn't believe that should be taken into consideration.
Steve.
A Democratic senator says that if this goes down, it'll stall momentum We're not responding to a blind quote, we just assume you made it up.
- I'm not kidding.
Thank you.
- Thank you, C.
J.
Danny, come back to the office for a second.
What'd the president say about Mosley's"halfway around the world"? - He said,"What a tool.
" - I figured.
You can say several senior administration officials say the White House will have a good memory when the transportation bill comes up.
You don't mind blind quotes when they're from you.
Okay.
So I'll walk your threat around for you, but - Yes? - The pilot on Shareef's Gulfstream.
- What do you think I'm gonna say? - His name was Jamil Bari.
The first thing you wanna do is find out if Jamil Bari had any history of pilot error to see if that contributed to the crash.
So my new assistant, Maisy, she found out that Jamil Bari got a certificate of qualification on the Gulfstream in 1994.
- Was that it? - Yeah, that's it.
That's all we've been able to find out.
We've been checking aviation schools, and we can't find him.
There are a lot of schools.
We'll check them all.
- Sooner or later, you'll find him? - Sure.
You know, I gotta tell you, your tie goes with your shirt, and your jacket You're dating a college graduate, aren't you? Maisy ain't never gonna find him, C.
J.
Jamil Bari is an invented identity for someone.
It has to be.
For this thing to have worked, the pilot had to be one of our guys.
Yeah, I just meant it was a nice tie.
- I'll be around all day for the vote.
- Okay.
What's up there, Gail? Somebody talking to the Dirksen office? - She's at the campaign office.
- Campaign office says she's at district.
- District office is in Atlanta.
- That's where she is.
- District office? - Says she's on her way back.
It's a commercial flight? An hour and a half, we can't find a U.
S.
senator? She doesn't want the call.
She's on her way back here.
- She'll disappear till the vote.
- Your job is to take this, find her and stick it in her hand.
Make big plays.
Donna, Delta flight 15 lands at National in 35 minutes.
We live in an interdependent world, and we should act like it.
We live in a global community, and we should sustain it.
We should cross borders.
We should cross borders to build sustainable democracies that can banish privation and fear.
And we should cross borders to bring food and medicine and roads and schools and teachers to parts of the world forgotten by all but warlords.
We're gonna pass this foreign-ops bill.
This should be a century of hope and prosperity everywhere.
And America's gonna lead the world and not just bully it.
Thank you.
- What the hell is going on? - That was great.
Hey, thanks, Peach Patch.
What the hell is going on? Hardin's a yes if we can get her on the phone.
Which is why we can't get her? She's been a little slippery, but this is where Josh eats.
We have many, many backup plans in the works? Josh has broken people into teams, and they're developing and executing rapid-response backup plans? Yeah, okay.
Toby, we should probably have a backup plan.
- Oh, my God.
- A split second of humor injected in the middle of a stressful day.
We're talking about the act of a friend.
My daughter's dating a kid better-looking than my wife.
I have only so much RAM to give over to C.
J.
! - Yes.
- Sorry, but again, there's a cow? - A photo-op with a cow.
- Yeah, I got that part.
Heifer International.
They give cows to families in developing nations.
And that's great, but a picture of me and a cow.
You're okay with that art? I have my concerns.
- Why did you agree to it? - It's an organization certainly worthy - Abbey set it up? - I'll figure a way to make it work.
Good luck.
Turn around casually and tell me if Le Vicomte de Valvert's got his hands near anyone who's related to me.
- That is a good-looking young man.
- Zoey! - I don't respond when you shout.
- You'd respond if I stopped feeding you! - Ignore him.
- Oh, yes, I do.
This envelope that interests you, it was what? - What envelope? - A woman on a rope line this morning.
An Army private.
Her family's on food stamps.
- An American soldier on food stamps? - It's a big family.
- You read this letter as if it was special.
- She handed it right to me.
And after you read it, you just throw it on the pile.
- Yes.
- So this woman, she sees you next to Zoey's father, and she doesn't know that you're powerless to help.
I'm not powerless.
I called the DoD and asked them to give special notice to her letter.
- Charlie.
- Yes, sir.
Give me that blue envelope back.
I gotta call the DoD.
Who writes this handholding crap for the president anyhow? Free food and the gentle lady from Tennessee.
The food wasn't free, and is the president comfortable defining 50 years of security policy as bullying? He wasn't talking about the last half-century.
What happened to politics stopping at the water's edge? - Food's apolitical.
- At 10:30 tonight, it ain't.
You guys are gonna have a bit of a time getting Gracie Hardin on the phone.
Jimmy, you wanna tell me something I don't know? I got a yea vote for you.
- Whose? - Mine.
Can I be in your office in an hour? - Can you be there in half an hour? - No.
Okay.
Thank you.
They phoned ahead and said you wanted this back.
Yeah.
Thanks.
-Good afternoon, the Pentagon.
- Sergeant Major Moreland, please.
Just a moment.
Secretary's office.
This is Charlie Young from the office of the president.
Please hold.
Yes, this is Colonel Wolf.
Oh, no, I was calling for Sergeant Moreland.
-Yes, Mr.
Young, how can I help you? - No, sir, I wouldn't want to impose.
- I play basketball with Barry Moreland.
-Sergeant Moreland works for me.
How can I help the president? Well, no, it's not On a rope line, I was handed a letter from an enlisted woman whose family is eligible for food stamps.
I was wondering whose eyes I could put it in front of.
-Mine.
You'll send it today? - Thank you.
Yes, sir.
You can't find Grace Hardin? We're at the airport, we're at Dirksen, we're at her house, her gym.
We're at her Senate office, second office.
We're at her lawyer's office, we're at her husband's office.
- I know you're up against it.
- Legislative section.
I cut"enduring wisdom.
" "The American people have spoken.
They have chosen a president of one party and a Congress of another.
" You say that like constitutional scholars made a conscious choice weighing checks and balances - They did make a choice.
In their defense, a lot of people have a hard time seeing the difference.
Are any of those people in this room? No.
One wants to save Social Security, the other wants to privatize it.
One wants to make polluters pay to clean up pollution the other wants to give tax breaks so they can pollute more.
- One wants to send aid to countries - Okay.
Yeah.
Cantina voted no on U.
N.
dues, no on Kosovo peacekeeping.
- He's just gonna burn time.
- No kidding.
- Toby? - Yeah.
- Hoebuck? - He came to me.
He authored a bill to insert the word"God" into the Pledge of Allegiance four more times.
Yeah.
Well, once you've broken that dam, what the hell does it matter? - Here's what I want for my vote.
- Yeah.
- A hundred and fifteen thousand.
- Million.
- I'm sorry? - You said 115,000.
You meant million.
I appreciate that Democrats know how to read my mind, but I meant 115,000.
- For what? - I want to pay people to pray.
- Out of the federal budget? - Yeah.
And this woman leads a world-class team of psychiatrists? Not exactly, but you're awfully close.
This is Dr.
Gwendolyn Chen, she's chief cardiologist at Duke Medical Center.
Have you heard of intercessory prayer or remote prayer? This is where you draw up a list of sinners and People pray for you even though you're not aware of it.
Yeah, C.
J.
got spammed with that a few months ago.
Was that before or after her agent got shot at a fruit stand? Do you wanna make a rim-shot out of an agent getting dead? Do you really wanna refer to people's prayers as spam? - Dr.
Chen, what are you doing here? - Go ahead, please.
We completed a double-blind, placebo-controlled study.
- This isn't happening.
- I'll point out that Duke is nonsectarian and Dr.
Chen is agnostic.
A thousand heart patients were split into two groups.
Half were prayed for by volunteers, the other half weren't.
The patients that were prayed for I know it sounds crazy but the patients that were prayed for, Pacific College of Medicine, Mid America Heart Institute and 12 other studies.
Published in The New England Journal of Medicine? A hundred and fifteen thousand for a wider study.
This one by the NIH.
foreign-aid bill.
That's all.
Dr.
Chen? - It was nice meeting you.
- Dr.
Chen.
Passengers of Delta flight 378 from Atlanta proceed to baggage claim area three located on level one of Terminal B.
Ellen? - Ellen? - Hey, Donna.
- Where's the senator? - What? The district office said she was on Delta 15.
She wasn't.
She came in this morning.
We were just cleaning up things at the home store.
I'm trying to arrange a call to Senator Hardin from the president.
As soon as I track her down, we'll set it up.
- I appreciate that.
- Okay, I'll see you.
Thanks.
Sir? Excuse me.
My name is Donna, and if you look at me you'll know that I'm not gonna steal from you.
- Can I borrow that envelope? - Yeah.
It's nothing, but here.
- Excuse me, is it Rick? - Jason.
I'm new.
This needs to get to the senator.
Are you going with Dirksen? The senator's at the Women in Media luncheon.
Right.
Stupid, stupid.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Well, first of all, that's not a cow.
It's not.
It's a goat.
Yeah, I may have agreed to something about a goat.
Did the first lady get you drunk and take you shopping? Yes.
The name of the group is Heifer International.
I was under the impression it was gonna be a cow.
- Lending presidential aura to the photo.
- What we're gonna do is we're gonna wait until after the vote.
If we don't win, it'd be a mistake for this to run.
- How big a mistake? - My job would've hung in the balance.
- In the balance? - Goats are heifers too? I don't know.
If the president's wearing a hat or that thing's wearing a Bartlet button I'm hiding snakes in your car.
- Don't say that, even to joke.
You're never gonna know where they are or if you got them all out.
Excuse me.
They're gonna lay their eggs right in the glove compartment.
So this is gonna be a little while.
Can you wait? Well, Ron doesn't do that well in the cold.
- Are you Ron? - I'm Mike.
- Of course.
We'll find a room for him.
- I have oats in the truck.
Well, you should bring the oats because the mess closes at 6.
Okay.
This was delivered to my desk, but it's for you.
A memo your office ordered from the Pentagon.
I can't order memos from the Pentagon.
I can't order memos from anywhere.
I don't have an office.
I work in the Oval Office.
Well, that may have been the confusion.
This is about I just called the deputy's aide and told him to look out for Who at the Pentagon thinks I can order a memo? The secretary of defense.
All right, there's been a mistake.
- You haven't shown this to anyone else? - No.
But it's cc'd to the joint chiefs and the secretary of state.
Anyone here? - Yeah, here it is.
POTUS, V-POTUS.
- Yeah.
- Leo McGarry and you.
- I see.
What do you think it says? "Revised DoD offsets and cost structure adjustments" for the coming fiscal year and every other fiscal year.
The table of contents is six pages long.
- You should read it.
- Yeah.
You want me to fix you up a piece a salmon? - No, thanks, Giuseppe.
- What about fettuccine? - Beano's using a new cream.
- I tried it last week the technology conference.
It's the best.
- The dais still exits through here, right? - You can go in and stand in the back.
She's trying not to scare somebody.
Would you leave the child alone? - I'm trying to feed her.
- Twenty-two years in Washington D.
C spent all in the kitchen.
He doesn't know how the place works.
Maybe I could learn something if I beat you about the head with a sturdy ladle.
- Ellen? - Wow.
You know what you are? The little aide who could.
- She wasn't on the dais.
- She had to cancel.
I read a letter.
Ellen, here's the situation.
I've been asked Excuse me, it's Josh.
Yeah.
That's great.
Who? All right.
We've got two yes votes, McMichael and Schapp.
The senator can come out of the woods.
I'm coming in.
Here's an inauguration joke about the first Jewish president.
His mother leans over and says: "You see that guy with his hand raised? His brother's a doctor.
" - That's good.
- You like it? If the president's been booked into Ha-Ha's in Cleveland.
- It wasn't for the speech.
- Then why did you tell it? - Sometimes people tell jokes.
- It was funny.
What do you want? That's exactly the reaction I was hoping to elicit.
Does it bother you that for all the bashing, the voters are no bargain.
- No.
- Why? I make a living writing jokes.
Not a good one.
They think you can have more spending and cut taxes at the same time.
It takes two politicians running against each other saying: "It won't happen, but here's what I'll do.
" - Is that all it takes? - When we were kids you'd never shut up about the founders.
This is what they wanted.
Clearly, you weren't listening much.
The founders were scared of the people.
They gave them the guns.
You know the picture of Dad's father with Churchill? He said the best argument against democracy was five minutes with a voter.
- Grandpa said that? - Churchill.
- It doesn't sound like Grandpa.
- Thank you for the coffee.
- Willy? - Don't call me that.
You took a guy's office who became part of the family.
They'll stop with the bicycles, Seaborn posters and the cold shoulder.
- Yeah, I'm all right.
I'm focused.
- Hey, cool goat.
When did you get it? Professional comedian, Elsie I think it's great that you keep oats in the office, just in case.
- When these people find out that kind - Leave me now.
I'm focused.
Please.
Sure.
Hey, what's going on? Well, Donna tried to flush her out.
She did it well, but - What? - She named names.
So her staff made two phone calls, and Hardin dove back under the bed.
Well, you were right.
Hoebuck's crazy.
- What did he want? - A hundred and fifteen thousand dollars.
- Million.
- No, thousand.
- For what? - It doesn't matter.
- For what? - An NIH study on remote prayer.
- You're kidding.
- He brought a Duke cardiologist A hundred and fifteen thousand, he votes yes on foreign ops? - It's the government investing in - I don't care if it's communion wafers.
- It's the government - We'll deal with it tomorrow.
- Well, I already dealt with it today.
- Not yet, and the clock's running.
I'm going to Leo.
I had asked an assistant I know to give it special attention.
I don't know the woman or anything, it wasn't patronage.
But I was You know.
I was showing off for Zoey.
There are a couple of thousand military families on food stamps.
I can't stand it.
The Pentagon knows it.
Some families are eligible, some aren't but to change it, they'd have to raise everyone's pay which they can't do.
This memo's a reminder.
It's a get-off-our-backs memo.
And you thought you were done with turf wars.
- Did it cause any damage? - Decommissioned two aircraft carriers.
- Really? - No.
Thank you, Mr.
President.
I'll be outside.
- Zoey's growing up nicely, isn't she? - Yes, she is.
I'm on your side in this thing, but just by a little bit.
- Because he's French and royal.
- Yes.
These are very special circumstances under which we're allies.
Understood, sir.
- You still got it? - Sir? - The letter from the rope line.
- Yes, sir.
- Put it in my bag tonight.
- Yes, sir.
- Mr.
President.
- Mr.
McGarry.
Mr.
Ziegler.
Mr.
Lyman.
Miss Cregg.
It's The Temptations.
I love you guys.
You think you've heard everything, but you haven't.
- Hit me.
- Toby.
James Hoebuck will vote yea at 10:30 if we give him $ 115,000.
- Million? - Thousand.
115,000.
- For an RV? What's he want? - An NIH study on remote prayer.
I like it.
There should be a button on my desk I can press and 49 people pray for me.
I got prayed for by 3 million people.
- How'd it work out? - Good for me.
Can't vouch for what they were praying for.
- Well, that's the problem.
- Excuse me.
- Yes.
- The Earth is rotating rapidly on its axis.
Okay, well, good news.
Keep us posted on that.
We're moving into 8:00 now.
- Is there something I should be doing? - We should talk about Jimmy Hoebuck.
Wait, you guys didn't come in here to tell me something funny? Three of us did.
You are the wild card, my friend, because you You will throw out the baby and the bath water at curtain time if it means - Excuse me.
- Feel free to interrupt.
Do you think the people who get this money care about an NIH study? I don't care if they care, I care! And by the way, so do you.
A hundred and fifteen thousand is what Commerce spends on Post-its.
- Toby? - Threats to civil liberties only ever come a few dollars at a time.
It's a medical study.
The Nuclear Test Ban Treaty doesn't prohibit radiation therapy.
Sufi Muslims, Orthodox Jews, Indian shamans It works with everybody.
It's not promoting Christianity.
Well, in my faith, we've known it's worked for 2000 years.
I never knew there was data available, but okay.
- Anything else, sir? - No.
- Thank you, Mr.
President.
- Thank you, sir.
- Maxine? - That's you.
I know.
- I apologize for interrupting before.
- I don't care.
What I was gonna say I'll toss it all overboard if it means winning and I think that's not true, and I'd ask you to support that with evidence.
I'm sorry, I don't know why I keep doing that.
You're not willing to toss it overboard to win.
You're willing to toss it overboard to avoid disappointing Leo.
Know what the difference is between you and me? I wanna be the guy.
You wanna be the guy the guy counts on.
- We lost.
- We know.
We can introduce another continuing resolution.
Ninety days.
- And work down? - Seventy-five percent of current funding? - If we can get it.
- You understand if we introduce another continuing resolution, about 10 Democrats will jump on as a reason to vote no on this.
It means losing 60-40 instead of 51-49.
When I lose, I don't look for consolation in the score, and I know you don't.
So it's what we should do, right? Yeah.
All right, tough beat.
- It's an unbelievably tough beat.
- Yes, sir.
- Zoey's growing up nicely, isn't she? - Man, I'll say.
I go for kiss-ass today, and the ball goes in the gutter.
- Anything else? - Thank you, Mr.
President.
I said the names.
It didn't matter.
She knows how to count to 51.
It would've loosened things up for an hour.
I'm sorry.
Shake it off.
And don't listen to the naysayers, you've got a big future as a stalker.
I always felt like I had the makings.
I just had an interesting moment.
I just recommended to the president that he buy a yea vote for $ 115,000 and the Bill of Rights.
Don't you mean 115 million? Jimmy Hoebuck wanted to fund a study on remote prayer for $ 115,000.
- Is it me, or is this getting harder? - It's getting harder.
I'd say we're gonna make more enemies but I don't know if anybody's left on the list.
You took funding for remote prayer to the president? Oh, I did it with gusto.
Because you don't know the story of"Fishhooks" McCarthy.
Is this a real person or a Donna person? A corrupt politician on the Lower East Side in the '20s.
Every morning, he stopped at St.
James Church on Oliver Street and said the same prayer, "Lord, give me health and strength.
We'll steal the rest.
" Not that there needs to be, but was there a point? You've got health and strength, both of which I prayed for after hot lead was shot into your body.
Yeah, and you're gonna need some kryptonite, by the way.
Okay, settle down.
- All right.
- So you've got health and strength.
- And we'll steal the rest? - Bet your ass.
All right.
Good work tonight.
- Hi.
- What's up, Mr.
Daley? - Bailey.
- Bill Bailey? Will Bailey.
If we're lucky, foreign aid's gonna be funded for another 90 days at 75 cents on the dollar.
No one who has ever said they wanted bipartisanship has ever meant it.
But the people are speaking.
Because 68º% º think we give too much in aid, and 59º% º think it should be cut.
- You like that stat.
- I do.
- Why? - Because 9 percent think it's too high and shouldn't be cut! Nine percent of respondents could not get their arms around the question.
There should be a box you can check for: "I have utterly no idea what you're talking about.
Don't ask for my input.
" Why is foreign aid important? - It fosters democracies.
- There you go.
Well, well-played, young man.
Very good.
Yes, yes.
You realize, for a second there, you changed voices? Someone said,"The best argument against democracy is five minutes with a voter.
" Churchill.
He said,"Democracy is the worst form of government except for all the others.
" I'll work with you on the legislative section.
- But after the vote.
We'll get some food.
- Yes.
Excuse me, please.
Excuse me.
You put a goat in my office, and I just want you to know that I stand here with full humor and total focus.
Fill my office with bicycles.
Cover the windows with Seaborn posters.
You can bring in 101 dalmatians.
I'm focused on what I'm doing.
- Who are you? - I'm Will Bailey.
- C.
J.
Cregg.
- It's very nice to meet you.
- I didn't put the goat in your office.
- You didn't? I put it in the office of a new guy Toby and Josh are giving a hard time to.
Wait.
You understand I'm working on the inaugural address? - How's that going? - There are bikes and goats in my office! All right.
Any care and feeding I should know about? The goat has a handler.
I'll get it No, I'll take my hazing like the Eton valedictorian I am.
What's his name? - Which one? - The handler.
- Mike.
- The goat has a name? - Ron.
- Thank you.
Where do you learn to run out the clock like that? The senator's voting her conscience.
She understands foreign aid.
She's supposed to do what's right.
She's supposed to do what the people think is right.
Will you take this and walk it to her on the floor? That's all you have to do.
All time has expired.
The yeas and nays have been ordered.
Win some, you lose some.
Can I tell you something? Josh has asked me to work Saturdays, Sundays and he has me there after 1 a.
m.
He's asked me to transpose portions of the budget into base 8 go to North Dakota and dress as an East German waitress.
In five years working for him, he's never asked me to hide him from something.
Can I have my boss's phone back? Thank you.
The question is on the passage of the bill.
The clerk will call the roll.
- You having that? - Yes.
- All of it? - Yes.
- What about this? - Yes.
- I'm pointing at 23 packets of soy sauce.
- I give them to the homeless.
- Helpful.
- Talking through the vote? You'll lose this 60-40.
Did I ruin the end? - Could you have this much sensitivity? - No.
- Why? - Because you blew it.
The Senate blew it.
We did everything but pass a hat.
Nobody wants to put money in Botswana when we got hats here! You can't make this about charity.
It's about self-interest.
We cut farm assistance in Colombia.
Every single crop we developed was replaced with cocaine.
We cut aid for primary education in northwest Pakistan and Egypt the kids went to madrasahs.
Why weren't you making a case that Republican senators are bad on drugs and bad on national security? Why are Democrats always so bumfuzzled? By the way, 65 more flight schools today.
Maisy hasn't found your guy.
Don't worry, there are thousands more.
You know something, General Cho? If you had a story, you'd write it.
If you don't have one, shut up.
We just lost a vote.
We're not bumfuzzled.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to cancel a photo-op with a goat.
-Mr.
Conrad.
-Yea.
-Ms.
DiAngelo.
-Nay.
-Mr.
Dan Forrest.
-Nay.
Tough beat, everybody.
Thanks for the work.
Next time, we let Josh do it the way he wants.
- Sir, have you met? - Bill Haley.
- Will Bailey.
- Okay.
- Good evening.
- When's this cow thing? - It's a goat now.
- Okay.
We'll cancel it.
- You think? - A milking goat? It's gonna seem like a parody of foreign aid.
I don't know.
I don't know, everybody, C.
J.
wants to cancel the goat picture.
Half the world's people live on less than 2 dollars a day 130 million will never step inside a schoolhouse ingredients for bombs can be purchased at hardware stores and we've just given the Third World just what the doctor ordered: rollbacks.
Heifer International, they give free cows and goats to people who need milk? - Yes, sir.
Then I don't think we're in position to be snotty.
Let's do it.
Let's do it right now.
- Carol.
- They're right out here.
I think this will work.
I think it says,"Well, you're impoverished, and while we don't care we don't want you to go away empty-handed so we offer this goat to give you milk.
" Do male goats give milk? No.
No, of course they don't.
So we offer you this thing that'll just gnaw on your stuff.
I'm not standing in this picture alone.
This was a total team failure.
Stand where you want, but I want my chief of staff and my chief political adviser standing near the goat.
Let's go! Hang on a second.
May I? Thank you.
- Now we're ready.
- Let's go.
Set that clock for 90 days.