Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s04e12 Episode Script
Kimmy Says Bye!
1 After all this time, they're just gonna blow it up.
Okay, the housing authority says we've got two days.
All we have to do is come up with three to five million dollars.
Titus? Check the paper for talent shows.
Circle any where the prize is three million dollars or more.
Lillian? How much are drugs worth? [CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
I hope you're happy, Jacqueline.
- Titus - You got me fired from Cats, and now I'm homeless.
I can't live on the street.
I'm not a car.
I belong inside, like Jerry Seinfeld's cars.
[JACQUELINE.]
Titus! Last night, Rafiki's understudy in The Lion King got shot by a cop mid-performance.
They need someone today.
Rafiki sings "The Circle of Life.
" I know that song.
And I have the arm strength to hold up a small stuffed animal.
And thanks to me getting you fired from Cats, you're available to take it.
Oh, black baby Jesus! I'm an understudy in The Lion King.
So who's my overstudy, and how hard will they be to destroy emotionally, poison, or push down a flight of stairs? [JACQUELINE.]
Don't get ahead of yourself.
You need to go to the theater ASAP.
"Andromedon sings and performs.
" Got it.
Okay, here's what we do.
You only need one kidney.
Between the three of us, we can sell five.
[TITUS.]
Sorry, girl.
I've got the role of this lifetime to get ready for.
Ooh.
That's exciting.
How are you so calm about this? Well, maybe it's time to move on.
Maybe there's something else I'm meant to do.
Well, I'm not giving up.
Lillian, stay here and guard our stuff.
I'm gonna get that money, even if I have to hook for it.
- And what do you think that means? - Be a pirate.
I know what I'm gonna do.
[GASPS.]
Oh, hey, kids.
You wanna hear a ghost story? I'm gonna blow myself up in there and become a ghost and make sure that this neighborhood stays terrible forever.
And then I'm gonna come into your room at night, and I'm gonna take all your gender-neutral dolls and turn 'em into Chuckys! [CACKLES.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[BANKSTON.]
Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
[SINGERS.]
Damn it [INSPIRING MUSIC.]
[GASPS.]
It's alive! I renounce God.
Pay me no mind.
I rest my body here between shows, because I'm losing my pinkie toenail to a fungus.
You must be my understudy, Titus.
I am Nono Folami.
And you're so very old.
And I can't wait to learn from you.
[CHUCKLES.]
I believe the elderly are our future.
Let me welcome you to The Lion King.
Ka songa Sanjaya [COUGHING.]
- Oh, okay, okay.
- [COUGHING CONTINUES.]
[NONO COUGHING.]
This is gonna be so easy.
I'm gonna kill an old lady for real this time.
[NONO WHEEZES.]
No! You can't take my desk.
Damn this tiny, beautiful body.
Jacqueline, I need your help.
Seriously? I can't help anyone but myself right now.
And Gabe! Gabe, lose ten pounds and shave.
You're welcome.
Jacqueline knows my name! No, no, no.
That's mine.
[SIGHS.]
Look, my home is gonna get tooken from me if I don't do something.
So I'll write the book.
[SIGHS.]
Not that Greebulax crap again.
It's Greemulax.
And I give up on that.
Random House hated it, and then you hated it.
And now the tubes won't even do Zach's website for it.
Lookit! 503 errors? Come on! I need money.
So if people want my story, I'll give it to them.
All of the bunker stuff.
Like the time the string broke and we lost a LEGO astronaut up the Reverend's butt.
Forget about books.
You're like Idris Elba and his rap music.
Stop trying to give the world something no one wants.
Just take your shirt off and call me a dirty girl with an English accent.
[SIGHS.]
[WITH COCKNEY ACCENT.]
She's a right dirty girl, innit? Not you.
Look, pretty much every woman in America has been kidnapped or MeToo'd since you.
Nobody wants to read about that stuff anymore.
Well, what about TV, then? Is Celebrity Boxing still a thing? I'll punch whoever! But you're not really a celebrity.
What if I got all four Mole Women together? They owe me from bunker.
And Gretchen just got out of jail.
The president pardoned her for being white and a six or above.
Look, thanks to the Internet, anyone can get famous if they have a camera and a baby that laughs at sneezes.
[LAUGHS.]
I haven't seen that one.
But if you're desperate to make money, there is one thing that men will always pay for.
You know.
The oldest profession? Dinosaur lawyer? [SASSY MUSIC.]
Okay, if you like Mole-Woman-on-Mole-Woman action, just click the button below and enter your credit card information.
All we need is a few million dollars.
So let's get started.
Oh, no, us four women are trapped in this bunker.
Let's touch butts.
Oh, yeah.
That's the spot.
Oh, no.
I got bean juice on my modesty garment.
We only made ten dollars? No, that was just from me, out of pity.
No one was willing to pay for what you did.
So I'm gonna lose my home.
[SIGHS.]
[NONO BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Whoa.
I always get so dizzy around stairs and wood chippers.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
- Hello? - [MIKEY.]
Titus.
It's Mikey.
Is this an okay time? [TITUS.]
Well, I'm training as an understudy in The Lion King, so The Lion King? W-wow.
I'm living my dream.
And not the one where I get chased by Cap'n Crunch.
Lookit, I'll make this quick.
It's about my wedding.
We got no one to sing the "Mambo Italiano" part of a traditional Catholic Mass, and I was hoping, you know, you'd do it.
Please hold.
Nono, you're wise.
Oh, it's just the accent, dear.
Nono is as stupid as the summer wind.
Why in living hell would my ex ask me to sing at his wedding? One does not ask such a thing of a Titus unless one wants drama.
Hey, Mikey Don't marry boring Andrew And run off with me And we'll adopt some ethnic babies That is exactly what I wanted you to do.
Andrew, I hate you.
I get it.
I suck.
[SPLUTTERS.]
[PRIM VIOLIN MUSIC.]
I'd be happy to sing at your wedding, Michael! Great.
It's Saturday, three p.
m.
, at St.
Mario's Churcheteria and Batting Cages.
I'll be there with bells on.
I love that outfit.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- - [JACQUELINE SIGHS.]
- - [SCOFFS.]
[SIGHS.]
Don't turn off the Wi-Fi! How am I gonna find a new office or be surprised by which celebrities are black? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Jacqueline, where's your furniture? Did it leave you just like Tripp, your husband, and all your rich friends? [LAUGHS.]
No! I'm in a prank war with Clooney.
For my next move, I'm gonna throw Richard Kind into the Grand Canyon.
Anyway, I see it as a great opportunity to get a workout in unless you skip leg day.
Never.
Not even on the day my maid shot me.
[JACQUELINE.]
Hmm.
Did you see The Times this morning? Evidently, your former client "breathes new life into the role of Greg Catnear in Cats.
" Don't worry.
I won't commission Greg's theater salary.
Tripp's thriving, by the way.
They're digging deep into the Marvel library.
Did you ever hear of a superhero named Glorbo? He's got, like, a knife and can talk to birds.
Anyway, Tripp's Glorbo.
Why would you commission Greg? I'm the one who got him that job.
Oh, 'cause he's signed with UTI through 2021.
I commission everything for the next two years.
Well, that's not fair! [SARCASTICALLY.]
Oh, no! In show business? Well, I'm not a lawyer, but if you think it's unfair, have your legal team call our guys.
Unless George Clooney stole them too.
Or you could have dinner with me tonight.
Excuse me? I'm just saying we'd be great together.
Think about it, okay? I'd love to have you under me.
If you stand up, I win the leg-off.
[SIGHS SOFTLY.]
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
[GRUNTING.]
Hey, when you become a ghost, can you haunt the scumbag who got me addicted to meth? Aw, Charlie.
I can't haunt myself.
[LAUGHS SPOOKILY.]
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Ooh, ooh! Hey, Red, have you seen my photo albums? I think they might still be inside.
And you think I'm walking up here with three to five million dollars in my pocket.
But all I've got in my pocket is A pocket butthole! Oh.
I'm sorry I couldn't get the money, Lillian.
Honey, it's okay.
It's time to move on.
Seriously? But you've lived here for 40 years.
Exactly.
That's too long to be living someplace.
It's too long to be living anyplace.
Besides, what I got planned I'm very excited for it.
When they blow this joint up, it's gonna be the start of a whole new chapter for me! Wow.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna be a New York legend, like Joan Rivers or Jackie Gleason.
Oh! They're both actors.
Well, they were.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
I'm gonna be just like them.
Well, I think that's pretty cool.
Oh, yeah? [LAUGHS.]
I was afraid to tell you 'cause I thought you'd try and talk me out of it.
No way.
You totally deserve to be up there with those guys.
Or down there or wherever.
Now you see why I need my photo albums.
Because all the papers are gonna want a picture of me soon, to see what I looked like before I blew up! Well, it might take a while.
For me? No.
It's just gonna be like, boom! And I'll be everywhere.
- Kablooey! - Kablooey! [BOTH LAUGH.]
Things are looking up for baby Ty-Ty God's favorite person Is living his dream Again, not the one with Cap'n Crunch Hey, Titus, are you ready to go on? - Nono's pretty sick.
- I didn't do it! - I didn't do it.
- She's insisting on going on tonight, but that should kill her.
You'll be in the matinee tomorrow.
[GASPS.]
But no! Tomorrow's Felix's wedding, I know.
Oh, I'm in your show now? Nono has to be in that matinee tomorrow.
I-I'll nurse her back to health myself.
An understudy not sabotaging an overstudy? I've never seen that in my 117 years as a stage manager.
[DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING.]
It's a reverse Dionne Warwick.
[PLEASANT MUSIC.]
[NONO SIGHS HAPPILY.]
[MISERABLE MUSIC.]
[PLEASANT MUSIC.]
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
Do you know what, Titus? I just assumed you were going to destroy me.
And I, I was going to poison you just like all the others.
But you, you are just the sweetest thing! That's what the diabetes doctor says.
Now, let me get you a cab, and I'll see you at tomorrow's matinee.
Do you know what? I am feeling so, so excellent thanks to you.
I think I'm going to try one of those Citi Bikes.
No, no, Nono.
[CHUCKLES.]
Citi Bikes are just part of de Blasio's war on the living! - [SHRIEKING.]
Nono! - [HORN HONKS.]
[THUMP, METAL CLATTERS.]
[WOMAN SCREAMING.]
[GASPS.]
Oh, God.
I have to be in The Lion King.
Xanthippe? What up, bitch? I've been working on my girl talk.
What are you doing here, you dumb bitch? Jacqueline said I could stay with her.
I got an internship to run Newsweek for the summer.
Wait, you're rich.
Could I borrow, like, five million dollars? What? No.
First of all, I'm not rich.
My dad is.
Second of all, I wouldn't give you five million dollars if you were drowning.
Well, I wouldn't want five million dollars if I was drowning 'cause it would only weigh me down.
Thanks for saving my life, Xan! [SCOFFS.]
What do you need that much money for, anyway? The city's 'sploding my home, and Lillian's just, like, fine with it.
She's gonna go be a famous actor, which is great for her, but I got nothing.
I don't know who Lillian is, but it sounds like she has a passion.
I'm majoring in finding my passion at Columbia, and it's all about finding your passion.
So what's Kimmy Schmidt passionate about? I don't know anymore.
Zach couldn't even make the website right.
God! You have to stop telling stories like I have any idea who you're talking about.
- So what am I gonna do with my life? - [DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN.]
Kimmy, help! I can't do both! Then stand up and pee after.
No, I have to take over the role of Rafiki.
The baboon I understudy I know it sounds racist, but it's me, so I'll allow it got hit by a car.
I didn't eat her or anything.
But Mikey the Mikey my ex-lover I pledged I would win back on a Mets cruise See? He's giving me context.
I can follow this.
he invited me to sing at his wedding.
Really? That's weird.
It is unless you think about it for two seconds, Kim.
He obviously wants me to make a big scene and whisk him away, like in that white movie where they end up on a bus.
- The Graduate? - No, Speed.
[KIMMY.]
Oh, boy.
I really don't think you should assume that's what Mikey wants.
Girl, you know my brand! He has to be expecting Titus to jump out of the giant calzone or whatever and cause a devastating scene like Madonna's "Like a Prayer" video but with breath support.
- Titus - But now I have to be in The Lion King at the same time as the wedding.
I can't be two places at once! I'm not like that vampire man from Quantum Leap.
Even I know it's Bak ula.
- And I'm not letting you screw this up.
- [CORK POPS.]
The Lion King has been your dream for 20 years.
But I promised Mikey.
I'll talk to Mikey.
I'll tell him you're not coming because you have a show to do.
He'll understand.
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN.]
[SIGHS.]
Eli signed White Talent up for the stupid agency softball league.
It was just me against ICM.
He's trying to destroy me, like when Buckley Home Alone 'd those two burglars.
By the end, they were begging to die.
Jacqueline, those two guys were Mormons, and he knew it.
But of course, Eli said he would back off if I sleep with him.
For reals? Like in bed? [QUIETLY.]
Oh, because my story's so boring.
I told you.
Men have a one-track mind.
Then why didn't my webcam work? Because what you did was confusing! The Germans didn't even like it, Kimmy.
The Germans! [TEARFULLY.]
I'm just trying to make something of myself, be someone I can be proud of.
[JACQUELINE SNIFFLES.]
Kimmy, I need you to do the thing.
[SOBS SOFTLY.]
Ten seconds at a time Just take it ten seconds at a time [JACQUELINE.]
Now do the verse I wrote.
I look up to Jacqueline In a greatest human contest, she'd win And she has the best hair ever It's not from Norwegian cadavers [ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Andrew, don't come in! It's bad luck if we see each other's suits.
No, it's Kimmy.
Oh.
Hey.
Are you Titus' plus-one? Fill up at the salami hour, okay? 'Cause I don't have a lamb head for you.
No, I came to tell you that Titus isn't coming.
Really? Like, he's not coming at all? He's making his Broadway de-butt, and it's a big one.
The Lion King? That's, like, his number one dream.
Other than the one where he gets chased by Cap'n Crunch and he wrestles him to the ground [BOTH.]
and the only way Titus can escape is to eat him, and that's why he always wakes up thirsty for milk.
Yeah.
It's a big deal.
Okay.
So he's not coming.
I guess I'll just get married, then.
Wait, what did you think was gonna happen today? I don't know.
It's just this was his last chance.
Who? Titus? Oh, my gosh.
Did you want him to do something? Why do you think I asked him to sing? I know his brand.
I thought maybe he'd jump out of the giant calzone and and bring me back to life like Madonna did with that hot statue in "Like a Prayer.
" [GROANS QUIETLY.]
Is that meat? On that boat, Titus said he would do whatever it took to win me back.
But then he never did anything! Bitch, he did so many things! He made up The Capist to impress you.
He dated that straight famous guy just to make you jealous.
He learned about hammers just to spend time with you.
How was I supposed to know any of that? I'm Mikey! Well, do you wanna be with Titus or not? It's complicated.
My parents really like Andrew! And we called in a lot of favors to get 250 lamb heads, and I just Lookit, I don't understand how any of this works with two guys.
Like, who drives? - Whoever doesn't call shotgun.
- But I do know one of you needs to be the woman right now and actually deal with your emotions.
- [DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN.]
- Mikey! Come take a picture with Pupazza before she has to go back in her suitcase.
You ate your pocket square already! From 'cause I got the jitters! [DISHEARTENED MUSIC.]
Looks like I won.
- [SIGHS.]
- Oh, Jacqueline, this is sad.
And I was the only person who showed up at Mr.
Frumpus' funeral.
I almost hate to kick you out of here.
What? I just signed a lease on the place.
We need somewhere to hide our female agents after they give birth just until things get tight! You know what? Go ahead.
Destroy my life, 'cause I'm never gonna sleep with you.
What? Jacqueline.
I may mix Ambien and cocaine that's called "ghost spazzing" but I never mix business and pleasure.
Oh, really? "Jacqueline, I'll stop if you go to dinner with me.
" "We could be great together.
" "I want you under me"? Whoa, whoa, that was about business.
I wanted to take you to dinner to discuss how great we would be together if you worked at UTI as a junior agent, so under me.
You wanna hire me? I've been in this business since Billy Crystal was doing blackface at the Oscars almost five and a half years and I've never met anybody like you.
Oh, sure.
This is all because you respect me so much.
I know guys like you.
You could never see me as an equal.
- Jacqueline - You only see me as an object.
I don't see you at all because I'm blind, okay? I'm blind! What, now? [SIGHS.]
I don't tell people because in this business, image is everything, and that's the one thing I can't see: everything.
But you don't act blind.
You knew I had no furniture.
How? Confidence.
And also, I've mastered the art of echolocation.
[CLICKING TONGUE.]
[SNIFFING.]
Jacqueline, where's all your furniture? [CLICKING TONGUE.]
Knock, knock, party people.
[CLICKING TONGUE.]
Looks like I won.
So you can't see me? No, I have no idea what you look like.
And I don't care if you're [CLICKING TONGUE.]
huge and flat and painted.
- That's the wall.
- Well, I don't care.
Because you're an amazing and brilliant woman.
Okay.
Yeah, I guess I am attracted to you.
Maybe the real reason I kept coming over here is - [SMOOTH MUSIC.]
- just so I could click and smell you.
[CLICKING TONGUE.]
[SNIFFS, INHALES DEEPLY.]
It doesn't matter that I can't see this face.
- Um - I'm sorry, you're taller than I thought.
I don't need to see you to know that you're beautiful, Jacqueline White.
Oh, my God! Someone just threw a slug in my mouth! Who would do that? I was kissing you, Eli! Oh.
Well, then throw that slug back in here, girl.
[TITUS.]
Kimmy, guess what.
Today at rehearsal, the musical director said I was the smoothest singer she'd ever heard and the loudest dancer.
And my agent sent me flowers.
Well, Mikey was totes cool about you missing the wedding.
Right.
Mikey.
I guess I am glad I didn't go and make a fool of myself.
I heard that Danny Aiello's dog was gonna be there.
I'm proud of you, Titus.
And you sure inspired Lillian.
I mean, who knew she wanted to be an actor too? An actor? [LAUGHS.]
That's ridiculous! No, she's gonna blow herself up and become a ghost that haunts New York.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Wha-wha who know? Girl, I thought you knew.
She's been talking about it all week.
When they implode the tugboat, she's gonna go down with it.
Why haven't you tried to stop her? 'Cause I respect people's choices.
And I think she'll be amazing at it.
Oh, my goodness.
What time is it? What time is the 'splosion? - [STAGE MANAGER.]
Half hour.
- [BOTH.]
Thank you, half hour! [FRANTIC MUSIC.]
[SNEAKY MUSIC.]
[ARTIE, EERILY.]
Lillian! Don't do this! You have so much to live for! Why the hell are you talking into a bucket? Shouldn't your voice just do that naturally? Oh, so now you're an expert on being a ghost.
Where'd you even get a bucket anyway? We've got plenty of buckets.
Don't you worry about it.
Look, you don't wanna be a ghost! Sure, I do.
I've been acting like a ghost for years.
I scare people in libraries.
I once trashed Sigourney Weaver's apartment.
- I - Lillian.
Intruder! - [GRUNTS.]
- Whoa! Ooh! Damn, Mama.
But I didn't do it to the white ghost.
That's not great.
Listen to Artie, Mama.
This ain't your time.
- You're still so funky.
- [BASS RIFF PLAYS.]
She certainly is.
The two loves of my life.
I can't wait to join you up or down there.
Say, what's ghost sex like? It's amazing.
You completely merge with each other's energy.
And there's no such thing as gender.
Right, Artie? [LILLIAN GASPS.]
I saw that! And I don't care what you two fruits say.
I'm 'sploding! This city, this neighborhood, it's where I belong.
The gentrifiers thought they could get rid of me, but when I'm a ghost, I can torment yuppies and tourists for all eternity.
It's a beautiful day as New York City prepares to do what it does best: replace something old with something terrible.
The town house behind me is all set to go "boom, boom, boom, I want you in my room.
" Wait! Wait! There's still someone in there! [EXPLOSION BOOMING.]
No.
Lillian! [COUGHING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[GROANS.]
I'm alive, damn it! Hey, can't you jamokes even blow up a building right? Look, I was afraid this might happen.
The mayor says we can't use the good explosives.
He's afraid a carriage horse might get hurt.
What is wrong with this city? You can't get weak weed or strong TNT no more! [KIMMY.]
Lillian! [LILLIAN LAUGHS.]
I thought you were dead.
Well, in the '70s, I would've been.
Back then, you could smoke reefer all night and still drive downtown to blow up the stock exchange! Ladies and gentlemen, in all my years as a New York None reporter, this is without a doubt the New Yorkiest thing I've ever seen! Hey, blow it out your ass, Georgiulio! I knew your father! And she's not done.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey! Another thing! Giuliani ruined Times Square! I miss the old Penn Station.
SNL has not been funny since I hid in the bee costume around Belushi! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC.]
I am New York, baby! And I ain't going nowhere! [LILLIAN.]
Am I right? [LILLIAN LAUGHS.]
Move over, Sushi Raccoon.
There's a new New York None Second to None New Yorker of the Year.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
You know what's wrong with me, Xan? Ooh! I have a list on my phone.
I take care of everybody except one person: the Kimster! "The Kimster.
" That's on the list.
All I do is get sucked into other people's bull-sugar.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life, but I spent the past few days dealing with Titus and Mikey, singing to Jacqueline, trying to stop Lillian from blowing herself up.
And here I am, homeless, jobless, horseless.
[SIGHING.]
You're gonna be okay.
"The first step toward fixing the world is remembering the good inside you is stronger than the bad.
" What did you say? It's from this book I'm reading for, like, the third time.
That's a magic trolley.
It's not a magic trolley.
It's science we haven't discovered yet.
And it's not a kids' book.
I mean, I got it from Buckley, but it's, like, an allegory for gender politics.
The Legends of Greemulax.
Yeah, everybody at Columbia is reading it.
Wow.
Whoever wrote it must be a beautiful genius.
I mean, I don't know what he looks like, but I'm, like, obsessed with him.
So you'd want to be best friends with the author? Whoever she is? No! No! No! No, that's impossible! Exthipianne Porheep is based on you.
Also, I don't know how to spell your name.
You're K.
C.
Schmidt? You love my brain.
Wanna see it? No! And that's not where your brain no.
Why are people paying money for your ideas? Wait.
How are people buying my book? The buying clicky place isn't even set up.
Oh, my God, do you mean a website? It's set up.
It just keeps crashing 'cause there's too much traffic.
[EXCITING MUSIC.]
The tubes are full.
I filled the tubes.
Wait, who's Turdgun the Pudding Man based on? Titus.
Got it.
Call me Andy from Toy Story, 'cause you're gonna have a woody for my buzz.
What's happening? I don't know if that was a bathroom or a ball pit, but [SNIFFS, CLICKS TONGUE.]
Shaun White? You wrote The Legends of Greemulax? You could read that but you just dropped a deuce in the ball pit? No, all my clients' kids are reading your book right now.
LL Cool Jr.
, Tiny Lee Jones, Egg Paltrow.
UTI has been trying to track down K.
C.
Schmidt for weeks.
Well, you found her.
That's right.
I'm not Shaun White.
My name's Kimmy Schmidt, and I'm all girl.
Well, your pheromones are a mess.
Are you set up anywhere? 'Cause I would love to be in the Greemulax business.
No, you are not poaching her! What do you want? Mighty Ducks tickets? You want Vin Diesel to dance at your birthday? You wanna split a baked potato with Katherine Heigl's mom at Peter Luger's? She can't give you any of that.
That's true.
But, Kimmy, you once told me that you wanted to change the world.
And I said you were crazy.
I said you were dumber than you look.
I said red hair is a sign of inbreeding.
I think I'm gonna go with Eli.
But I was wrong.
You can change the world, Kimmy Schmidt, because you already changed the most important person in it: me.
[TOUCHING MUSIC.]
Wow.
You're incredible, babe.
- What are you doing? - [MUFFLED SHOUT.]
I'm blind, okay? [DRAMATIC PERCUSSION.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[CAST CHATTERS EXCITEDLY.]
[TITUS.]
That was such a rush.
Oh, thank you guys.
Oh, stop it.
[LAUGHS.]
We are a community.
Too bad you have no one to share this with you.
What'd you say? I said you have time to go upstairs for a few.
[SOFTLY.]
Right.
[DISHEARTENED MUSIC.]
[DETERMINED MUSIC.]
Sir, how long would it take you to get me to Far Rockaway and back? Uh, 17 hours? Uh, five to sit in this chair before we go, two hours to get there, then my nephew comes to set up my chair out there.
Forget I asked.
[MAN.]
Wait, stop! I can't live without you! I fell out again! [STIRRING MUSIC.]
I love you.
And I wanna spend the rest of your life together.
[TEARFULLY.]
Are you sure? 'Cause black men live to 60 now.
[TITUS.]
Than can ever be seen More to do Than can ever be done - It's the circle of life - [ENSEMBLE SINGING IN SWAHILI.]
And it moves us all Through despair and hope Through faith And love Till we find our place On the path unwinding [ENSEMBLE SINGING IN SWAHILI.]
It's the circle The circle Of life - - [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[GEORGIULIO.]
It's June 27, 2023, and this is your George Georgiulio Georgiu-York Minute! [GIGGLES.]
What? [LILLIAN.]
This train is now going super express.
Tourists and yuppie transplants alike were lost, confused, and afraid this week as the MTA rolled out the new voice of the New York City subway.
Hey, the doors'll be opening on the wrong side of the train from now on.
Good luck, you honky sons of bitches! Ha! Yeah! [GEORGIULIO.]
In show biz news, Midtown rolled out the red carpet for Broadway star Titus Andromedon's feature film debut, Sliding Doors 2: Tokyo Doors.
And I had front-row seats for all the action.
Thank you to everyone, especially myself.
And, of course, my husband, Michael, and our beautiful ethnic babies, Keitha Hernandez and Cape Politano-Andromedon.
[GEORGIULIO.]
Thank you, Titus, and thank you, babies.
if you think Tripp Knob is getting first billing above Greg Kinnear in the new Nom Nom movie.
Whatever.
This movie's just a paycheck for Tripp.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Meanwhile, in Florida, where I came for the story but did not visit my mother, New York's own Kimmy Schmidt was on hand for the grand opening of Greemulax World at Universal Studios.
I'm George Georgiulio.
I, K.
C.
Schmidt, hereby declare the Grabagorn's Horn ready to ride! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
My baby made this! That means I'm allowed to ride it as much as I want for life.
You did all this for me.
I'm an amazing mom.
We're opening a Grabagorn's Horn in London.
- Wanna come with me? - Hell yeah! We have to brush up on our English.
[WITH COCKNEY ACCENT.]
'Ello.
What's all this, then? [WITH COCKNEY ACCENT.]
Show my fanny to the swells for a threepence, I do! [LAUGHS.]
[CHILD.]
The ride is open! Oh! I'm first! I'm her mother! Queen Lorianna the Wobbly is based on me.
Welcome, knights! Ms.
Schmidt, your books makes me feel safe.
[HEARTWARMING MUSIC.]
[UPLIFTING MUSIC.]
Aw, fudge yeah.
[SINGERS.]
Damn it [GANGLY ORPHAN JEFF.]
Keep a smile in your pocket When the wolf is rat-a-tattin' At the door Just lock it tight Keep a dream in your heart And you'll never, ever want for more Unless you're in a knife fight Chin high Spit in the eye Of the folks who can't stop laughing At the stupid things you've done [PLUCKY MUSIC.]
Don't ever stop Even though your heart is breaking Don't look over your shoulder At the love you left behind They say life's too short But they're wrong It's so long Sometimes the only way to go Is to just go on - Good night, everybody! - Good night!
Okay, the housing authority says we've got two days.
All we have to do is come up with three to five million dollars.
Titus? Check the paper for talent shows.
Circle any where the prize is three million dollars or more.
Lillian? How much are drugs worth? [CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
I hope you're happy, Jacqueline.
- Titus - You got me fired from Cats, and now I'm homeless.
I can't live on the street.
I'm not a car.
I belong inside, like Jerry Seinfeld's cars.
[JACQUELINE.]
Titus! Last night, Rafiki's understudy in The Lion King got shot by a cop mid-performance.
They need someone today.
Rafiki sings "The Circle of Life.
" I know that song.
And I have the arm strength to hold up a small stuffed animal.
And thanks to me getting you fired from Cats, you're available to take it.
Oh, black baby Jesus! I'm an understudy in The Lion King.
So who's my overstudy, and how hard will they be to destroy emotionally, poison, or push down a flight of stairs? [JACQUELINE.]
Don't get ahead of yourself.
You need to go to the theater ASAP.
"Andromedon sings and performs.
" Got it.
Okay, here's what we do.
You only need one kidney.
Between the three of us, we can sell five.
[TITUS.]
Sorry, girl.
I've got the role of this lifetime to get ready for.
Ooh.
That's exciting.
How are you so calm about this? Well, maybe it's time to move on.
Maybe there's something else I'm meant to do.
Well, I'm not giving up.
Lillian, stay here and guard our stuff.
I'm gonna get that money, even if I have to hook for it.
- And what do you think that means? - Be a pirate.
I know what I'm gonna do.
[GASPS.]
Oh, hey, kids.
You wanna hear a ghost story? I'm gonna blow myself up in there and become a ghost and make sure that this neighborhood stays terrible forever.
And then I'm gonna come into your room at night, and I'm gonna take all your gender-neutral dolls and turn 'em into Chuckys! [CACKLES.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[BANKSTON.]
Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
[SINGERS.]
Damn it [INSPIRING MUSIC.]
[GASPS.]
It's alive! I renounce God.
Pay me no mind.
I rest my body here between shows, because I'm losing my pinkie toenail to a fungus.
You must be my understudy, Titus.
I am Nono Folami.
And you're so very old.
And I can't wait to learn from you.
[CHUCKLES.]
I believe the elderly are our future.
Let me welcome you to The Lion King.
Ka songa Sanjaya [COUGHING.]
- Oh, okay, okay.
- [COUGHING CONTINUES.]
[NONO COUGHING.]
This is gonna be so easy.
I'm gonna kill an old lady for real this time.
[NONO WHEEZES.]
No! You can't take my desk.
Damn this tiny, beautiful body.
Jacqueline, I need your help.
Seriously? I can't help anyone but myself right now.
And Gabe! Gabe, lose ten pounds and shave.
You're welcome.
Jacqueline knows my name! No, no, no.
That's mine.
[SIGHS.]
Look, my home is gonna get tooken from me if I don't do something.
So I'll write the book.
[SIGHS.]
Not that Greebulax crap again.
It's Greemulax.
And I give up on that.
Random House hated it, and then you hated it.
And now the tubes won't even do Zach's website for it.
Lookit! 503 errors? Come on! I need money.
So if people want my story, I'll give it to them.
All of the bunker stuff.
Like the time the string broke and we lost a LEGO astronaut up the Reverend's butt.
Forget about books.
You're like Idris Elba and his rap music.
Stop trying to give the world something no one wants.
Just take your shirt off and call me a dirty girl with an English accent.
[SIGHS.]
[WITH COCKNEY ACCENT.]
She's a right dirty girl, innit? Not you.
Look, pretty much every woman in America has been kidnapped or MeToo'd since you.
Nobody wants to read about that stuff anymore.
Well, what about TV, then? Is Celebrity Boxing still a thing? I'll punch whoever! But you're not really a celebrity.
What if I got all four Mole Women together? They owe me from bunker.
And Gretchen just got out of jail.
The president pardoned her for being white and a six or above.
Look, thanks to the Internet, anyone can get famous if they have a camera and a baby that laughs at sneezes.
[LAUGHS.]
I haven't seen that one.
But if you're desperate to make money, there is one thing that men will always pay for.
You know.
The oldest profession? Dinosaur lawyer? [SASSY MUSIC.]
Okay, if you like Mole-Woman-on-Mole-Woman action, just click the button below and enter your credit card information.
All we need is a few million dollars.
So let's get started.
Oh, no, us four women are trapped in this bunker.
Let's touch butts.
Oh, yeah.
That's the spot.
Oh, no.
I got bean juice on my modesty garment.
We only made ten dollars? No, that was just from me, out of pity.
No one was willing to pay for what you did.
So I'm gonna lose my home.
[SIGHS.]
[NONO BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Whoa.
I always get so dizzy around stairs and wood chippers.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
- Hello? - [MIKEY.]
Titus.
It's Mikey.
Is this an okay time? [TITUS.]
Well, I'm training as an understudy in The Lion King, so The Lion King? W-wow.
I'm living my dream.
And not the one where I get chased by Cap'n Crunch.
Lookit, I'll make this quick.
It's about my wedding.
We got no one to sing the "Mambo Italiano" part of a traditional Catholic Mass, and I was hoping, you know, you'd do it.
Please hold.
Nono, you're wise.
Oh, it's just the accent, dear.
Nono is as stupid as the summer wind.
Why in living hell would my ex ask me to sing at his wedding? One does not ask such a thing of a Titus unless one wants drama.
Hey, Mikey Don't marry boring Andrew And run off with me And we'll adopt some ethnic babies That is exactly what I wanted you to do.
Andrew, I hate you.
I get it.
I suck.
[SPLUTTERS.]
[PRIM VIOLIN MUSIC.]
I'd be happy to sing at your wedding, Michael! Great.
It's Saturday, three p.
m.
, at St.
Mario's Churcheteria and Batting Cages.
I'll be there with bells on.
I love that outfit.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- - [JACQUELINE SIGHS.]
- - [SCOFFS.]
[SIGHS.]
Don't turn off the Wi-Fi! How am I gonna find a new office or be surprised by which celebrities are black? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Jacqueline, where's your furniture? Did it leave you just like Tripp, your husband, and all your rich friends? [LAUGHS.]
No! I'm in a prank war with Clooney.
For my next move, I'm gonna throw Richard Kind into the Grand Canyon.
Anyway, I see it as a great opportunity to get a workout in unless you skip leg day.
Never.
Not even on the day my maid shot me.
[JACQUELINE.]
Hmm.
Did you see The Times this morning? Evidently, your former client "breathes new life into the role of Greg Catnear in Cats.
" Don't worry.
I won't commission Greg's theater salary.
Tripp's thriving, by the way.
They're digging deep into the Marvel library.
Did you ever hear of a superhero named Glorbo? He's got, like, a knife and can talk to birds.
Anyway, Tripp's Glorbo.
Why would you commission Greg? I'm the one who got him that job.
Oh, 'cause he's signed with UTI through 2021.
I commission everything for the next two years.
Well, that's not fair! [SARCASTICALLY.]
Oh, no! In show business? Well, I'm not a lawyer, but if you think it's unfair, have your legal team call our guys.
Unless George Clooney stole them too.
Or you could have dinner with me tonight.
Excuse me? I'm just saying we'd be great together.
Think about it, okay? I'd love to have you under me.
If you stand up, I win the leg-off.
[SIGHS SOFTLY.]
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
[GRUNTING.]
Hey, when you become a ghost, can you haunt the scumbag who got me addicted to meth? Aw, Charlie.
I can't haunt myself.
[LAUGHS SPOOKILY.]
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Ooh, ooh! Hey, Red, have you seen my photo albums? I think they might still be inside.
And you think I'm walking up here with three to five million dollars in my pocket.
But all I've got in my pocket is A pocket butthole! Oh.
I'm sorry I couldn't get the money, Lillian.
Honey, it's okay.
It's time to move on.
Seriously? But you've lived here for 40 years.
Exactly.
That's too long to be living someplace.
It's too long to be living anyplace.
Besides, what I got planned I'm very excited for it.
When they blow this joint up, it's gonna be the start of a whole new chapter for me! Wow.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna be a New York legend, like Joan Rivers or Jackie Gleason.
Oh! They're both actors.
Well, they were.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
I'm gonna be just like them.
Well, I think that's pretty cool.
Oh, yeah? [LAUGHS.]
I was afraid to tell you 'cause I thought you'd try and talk me out of it.
No way.
You totally deserve to be up there with those guys.
Or down there or wherever.
Now you see why I need my photo albums.
Because all the papers are gonna want a picture of me soon, to see what I looked like before I blew up! Well, it might take a while.
For me? No.
It's just gonna be like, boom! And I'll be everywhere.
- Kablooey! - Kablooey! [BOTH LAUGH.]
Things are looking up for baby Ty-Ty God's favorite person Is living his dream Again, not the one with Cap'n Crunch Hey, Titus, are you ready to go on? - Nono's pretty sick.
- I didn't do it! - I didn't do it.
- She's insisting on going on tonight, but that should kill her.
You'll be in the matinee tomorrow.
[GASPS.]
But no! Tomorrow's Felix's wedding, I know.
Oh, I'm in your show now? Nono has to be in that matinee tomorrow.
I-I'll nurse her back to health myself.
An understudy not sabotaging an overstudy? I've never seen that in my 117 years as a stage manager.
[DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING.]
It's a reverse Dionne Warwick.
[PLEASANT MUSIC.]
[NONO SIGHS HAPPILY.]
[MISERABLE MUSIC.]
[PLEASANT MUSIC.]
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
Do you know what, Titus? I just assumed you were going to destroy me.
And I, I was going to poison you just like all the others.
But you, you are just the sweetest thing! That's what the diabetes doctor says.
Now, let me get you a cab, and I'll see you at tomorrow's matinee.
Do you know what? I am feeling so, so excellent thanks to you.
I think I'm going to try one of those Citi Bikes.
No, no, Nono.
[CHUCKLES.]
Citi Bikes are just part of de Blasio's war on the living! - [SHRIEKING.]
Nono! - [HORN HONKS.]
[THUMP, METAL CLATTERS.]
[WOMAN SCREAMING.]
[GASPS.]
Oh, God.
I have to be in The Lion King.
Xanthippe? What up, bitch? I've been working on my girl talk.
What are you doing here, you dumb bitch? Jacqueline said I could stay with her.
I got an internship to run Newsweek for the summer.
Wait, you're rich.
Could I borrow, like, five million dollars? What? No.
First of all, I'm not rich.
My dad is.
Second of all, I wouldn't give you five million dollars if you were drowning.
Well, I wouldn't want five million dollars if I was drowning 'cause it would only weigh me down.
Thanks for saving my life, Xan! [SCOFFS.]
What do you need that much money for, anyway? The city's 'sploding my home, and Lillian's just, like, fine with it.
She's gonna go be a famous actor, which is great for her, but I got nothing.
I don't know who Lillian is, but it sounds like she has a passion.
I'm majoring in finding my passion at Columbia, and it's all about finding your passion.
So what's Kimmy Schmidt passionate about? I don't know anymore.
Zach couldn't even make the website right.
God! You have to stop telling stories like I have any idea who you're talking about.
- So what am I gonna do with my life? - [DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN.]
Kimmy, help! I can't do both! Then stand up and pee after.
No, I have to take over the role of Rafiki.
The baboon I understudy I know it sounds racist, but it's me, so I'll allow it got hit by a car.
I didn't eat her or anything.
But Mikey the Mikey my ex-lover I pledged I would win back on a Mets cruise See? He's giving me context.
I can follow this.
he invited me to sing at his wedding.
Really? That's weird.
It is unless you think about it for two seconds, Kim.
He obviously wants me to make a big scene and whisk him away, like in that white movie where they end up on a bus.
- The Graduate? - No, Speed.
[KIMMY.]
Oh, boy.
I really don't think you should assume that's what Mikey wants.
Girl, you know my brand! He has to be expecting Titus to jump out of the giant calzone or whatever and cause a devastating scene like Madonna's "Like a Prayer" video but with breath support.
- Titus - But now I have to be in The Lion King at the same time as the wedding.
I can't be two places at once! I'm not like that vampire man from Quantum Leap.
Even I know it's Bak ula.
- And I'm not letting you screw this up.
- [CORK POPS.]
The Lion King has been your dream for 20 years.
But I promised Mikey.
I'll talk to Mikey.
I'll tell him you're not coming because you have a show to do.
He'll understand.
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN.]
[SIGHS.]
Eli signed White Talent up for the stupid agency softball league.
It was just me against ICM.
He's trying to destroy me, like when Buckley Home Alone 'd those two burglars.
By the end, they were begging to die.
Jacqueline, those two guys were Mormons, and he knew it.
But of course, Eli said he would back off if I sleep with him.
For reals? Like in bed? [QUIETLY.]
Oh, because my story's so boring.
I told you.
Men have a one-track mind.
Then why didn't my webcam work? Because what you did was confusing! The Germans didn't even like it, Kimmy.
The Germans! [TEARFULLY.]
I'm just trying to make something of myself, be someone I can be proud of.
[JACQUELINE SNIFFLES.]
Kimmy, I need you to do the thing.
[SOBS SOFTLY.]
Ten seconds at a time Just take it ten seconds at a time [JACQUELINE.]
Now do the verse I wrote.
I look up to Jacqueline In a greatest human contest, she'd win And she has the best hair ever It's not from Norwegian cadavers [ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Andrew, don't come in! It's bad luck if we see each other's suits.
No, it's Kimmy.
Oh.
Hey.
Are you Titus' plus-one? Fill up at the salami hour, okay? 'Cause I don't have a lamb head for you.
No, I came to tell you that Titus isn't coming.
Really? Like, he's not coming at all? He's making his Broadway de-butt, and it's a big one.
The Lion King? That's, like, his number one dream.
Other than the one where he gets chased by Cap'n Crunch and he wrestles him to the ground [BOTH.]
and the only way Titus can escape is to eat him, and that's why he always wakes up thirsty for milk.
Yeah.
It's a big deal.
Okay.
So he's not coming.
I guess I'll just get married, then.
Wait, what did you think was gonna happen today? I don't know.
It's just this was his last chance.
Who? Titus? Oh, my gosh.
Did you want him to do something? Why do you think I asked him to sing? I know his brand.
I thought maybe he'd jump out of the giant calzone and and bring me back to life like Madonna did with that hot statue in "Like a Prayer.
" [GROANS QUIETLY.]
Is that meat? On that boat, Titus said he would do whatever it took to win me back.
But then he never did anything! Bitch, he did so many things! He made up The Capist to impress you.
He dated that straight famous guy just to make you jealous.
He learned about hammers just to spend time with you.
How was I supposed to know any of that? I'm Mikey! Well, do you wanna be with Titus or not? It's complicated.
My parents really like Andrew! And we called in a lot of favors to get 250 lamb heads, and I just Lookit, I don't understand how any of this works with two guys.
Like, who drives? - Whoever doesn't call shotgun.
- But I do know one of you needs to be the woman right now and actually deal with your emotions.
- [DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN.]
- Mikey! Come take a picture with Pupazza before she has to go back in her suitcase.
You ate your pocket square already! From 'cause I got the jitters! [DISHEARTENED MUSIC.]
Looks like I won.
- [SIGHS.]
- Oh, Jacqueline, this is sad.
And I was the only person who showed up at Mr.
Frumpus' funeral.
I almost hate to kick you out of here.
What? I just signed a lease on the place.
We need somewhere to hide our female agents after they give birth just until things get tight! You know what? Go ahead.
Destroy my life, 'cause I'm never gonna sleep with you.
What? Jacqueline.
I may mix Ambien and cocaine that's called "ghost spazzing" but I never mix business and pleasure.
Oh, really? "Jacqueline, I'll stop if you go to dinner with me.
" "We could be great together.
" "I want you under me"? Whoa, whoa, that was about business.
I wanted to take you to dinner to discuss how great we would be together if you worked at UTI as a junior agent, so under me.
You wanna hire me? I've been in this business since Billy Crystal was doing blackface at the Oscars almost five and a half years and I've never met anybody like you.
Oh, sure.
This is all because you respect me so much.
I know guys like you.
You could never see me as an equal.
- Jacqueline - You only see me as an object.
I don't see you at all because I'm blind, okay? I'm blind! What, now? [SIGHS.]
I don't tell people because in this business, image is everything, and that's the one thing I can't see: everything.
But you don't act blind.
You knew I had no furniture.
How? Confidence.
And also, I've mastered the art of echolocation.
[CLICKING TONGUE.]
[SNIFFING.]
Jacqueline, where's all your furniture? [CLICKING TONGUE.]
Knock, knock, party people.
[CLICKING TONGUE.]
Looks like I won.
So you can't see me? No, I have no idea what you look like.
And I don't care if you're [CLICKING TONGUE.]
huge and flat and painted.
- That's the wall.
- Well, I don't care.
Because you're an amazing and brilliant woman.
Okay.
Yeah, I guess I am attracted to you.
Maybe the real reason I kept coming over here is - [SMOOTH MUSIC.]
- just so I could click and smell you.
[CLICKING TONGUE.]
[SNIFFS, INHALES DEEPLY.]
It doesn't matter that I can't see this face.
- Um - I'm sorry, you're taller than I thought.
I don't need to see you to know that you're beautiful, Jacqueline White.
Oh, my God! Someone just threw a slug in my mouth! Who would do that? I was kissing you, Eli! Oh.
Well, then throw that slug back in here, girl.
[TITUS.]
Kimmy, guess what.
Today at rehearsal, the musical director said I was the smoothest singer she'd ever heard and the loudest dancer.
And my agent sent me flowers.
Well, Mikey was totes cool about you missing the wedding.
Right.
Mikey.
I guess I am glad I didn't go and make a fool of myself.
I heard that Danny Aiello's dog was gonna be there.
I'm proud of you, Titus.
And you sure inspired Lillian.
I mean, who knew she wanted to be an actor too? An actor? [LAUGHS.]
That's ridiculous! No, she's gonna blow herself up and become a ghost that haunts New York.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Wha-wha who know? Girl, I thought you knew.
She's been talking about it all week.
When they implode the tugboat, she's gonna go down with it.
Why haven't you tried to stop her? 'Cause I respect people's choices.
And I think she'll be amazing at it.
Oh, my goodness.
What time is it? What time is the 'splosion? - [STAGE MANAGER.]
Half hour.
- [BOTH.]
Thank you, half hour! [FRANTIC MUSIC.]
[SNEAKY MUSIC.]
[ARTIE, EERILY.]
Lillian! Don't do this! You have so much to live for! Why the hell are you talking into a bucket? Shouldn't your voice just do that naturally? Oh, so now you're an expert on being a ghost.
Where'd you even get a bucket anyway? We've got plenty of buckets.
Don't you worry about it.
Look, you don't wanna be a ghost! Sure, I do.
I've been acting like a ghost for years.
I scare people in libraries.
I once trashed Sigourney Weaver's apartment.
- I - Lillian.
Intruder! - [GRUNTS.]
- Whoa! Ooh! Damn, Mama.
But I didn't do it to the white ghost.
That's not great.
Listen to Artie, Mama.
This ain't your time.
- You're still so funky.
- [BASS RIFF PLAYS.]
She certainly is.
The two loves of my life.
I can't wait to join you up or down there.
Say, what's ghost sex like? It's amazing.
You completely merge with each other's energy.
And there's no such thing as gender.
Right, Artie? [LILLIAN GASPS.]
I saw that! And I don't care what you two fruits say.
I'm 'sploding! This city, this neighborhood, it's where I belong.
The gentrifiers thought they could get rid of me, but when I'm a ghost, I can torment yuppies and tourists for all eternity.
It's a beautiful day as New York City prepares to do what it does best: replace something old with something terrible.
The town house behind me is all set to go "boom, boom, boom, I want you in my room.
" Wait! Wait! There's still someone in there! [EXPLOSION BOOMING.]
No.
Lillian! [COUGHING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[GROANS.]
I'm alive, damn it! Hey, can't you jamokes even blow up a building right? Look, I was afraid this might happen.
The mayor says we can't use the good explosives.
He's afraid a carriage horse might get hurt.
What is wrong with this city? You can't get weak weed or strong TNT no more! [KIMMY.]
Lillian! [LILLIAN LAUGHS.]
I thought you were dead.
Well, in the '70s, I would've been.
Back then, you could smoke reefer all night and still drive downtown to blow up the stock exchange! Ladies and gentlemen, in all my years as a New York None reporter, this is without a doubt the New Yorkiest thing I've ever seen! Hey, blow it out your ass, Georgiulio! I knew your father! And she's not done.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey! Another thing! Giuliani ruined Times Square! I miss the old Penn Station.
SNL has not been funny since I hid in the bee costume around Belushi! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC.]
I am New York, baby! And I ain't going nowhere! [LILLIAN.]
Am I right? [LILLIAN LAUGHS.]
Move over, Sushi Raccoon.
There's a new New York None Second to None New Yorker of the Year.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
You know what's wrong with me, Xan? Ooh! I have a list on my phone.
I take care of everybody except one person: the Kimster! "The Kimster.
" That's on the list.
All I do is get sucked into other people's bull-sugar.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life, but I spent the past few days dealing with Titus and Mikey, singing to Jacqueline, trying to stop Lillian from blowing herself up.
And here I am, homeless, jobless, horseless.
[SIGHING.]
You're gonna be okay.
"The first step toward fixing the world is remembering the good inside you is stronger than the bad.
" What did you say? It's from this book I'm reading for, like, the third time.
That's a magic trolley.
It's not a magic trolley.
It's science we haven't discovered yet.
And it's not a kids' book.
I mean, I got it from Buckley, but it's, like, an allegory for gender politics.
The Legends of Greemulax.
Yeah, everybody at Columbia is reading it.
Wow.
Whoever wrote it must be a beautiful genius.
I mean, I don't know what he looks like, but I'm, like, obsessed with him.
So you'd want to be best friends with the author? Whoever she is? No! No! No! No, that's impossible! Exthipianne Porheep is based on you.
Also, I don't know how to spell your name.
You're K.
C.
Schmidt? You love my brain.
Wanna see it? No! And that's not where your brain no.
Why are people paying money for your ideas? Wait.
How are people buying my book? The buying clicky place isn't even set up.
Oh, my God, do you mean a website? It's set up.
It just keeps crashing 'cause there's too much traffic.
[EXCITING MUSIC.]
The tubes are full.
I filled the tubes.
Wait, who's Turdgun the Pudding Man based on? Titus.
Got it.
Call me Andy from Toy Story, 'cause you're gonna have a woody for my buzz.
What's happening? I don't know if that was a bathroom or a ball pit, but [SNIFFS, CLICKS TONGUE.]
Shaun White? You wrote The Legends of Greemulax? You could read that but you just dropped a deuce in the ball pit? No, all my clients' kids are reading your book right now.
LL Cool Jr.
, Tiny Lee Jones, Egg Paltrow.
UTI has been trying to track down K.
C.
Schmidt for weeks.
Well, you found her.
That's right.
I'm not Shaun White.
My name's Kimmy Schmidt, and I'm all girl.
Well, your pheromones are a mess.
Are you set up anywhere? 'Cause I would love to be in the Greemulax business.
No, you are not poaching her! What do you want? Mighty Ducks tickets? You want Vin Diesel to dance at your birthday? You wanna split a baked potato with Katherine Heigl's mom at Peter Luger's? She can't give you any of that.
That's true.
But, Kimmy, you once told me that you wanted to change the world.
And I said you were crazy.
I said you were dumber than you look.
I said red hair is a sign of inbreeding.
I think I'm gonna go with Eli.
But I was wrong.
You can change the world, Kimmy Schmidt, because you already changed the most important person in it: me.
[TOUCHING MUSIC.]
Wow.
You're incredible, babe.
- What are you doing? - [MUFFLED SHOUT.]
I'm blind, okay? [DRAMATIC PERCUSSION.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[CAST CHATTERS EXCITEDLY.]
[TITUS.]
That was such a rush.
Oh, thank you guys.
Oh, stop it.
[LAUGHS.]
We are a community.
Too bad you have no one to share this with you.
What'd you say? I said you have time to go upstairs for a few.
[SOFTLY.]
Right.
[DISHEARTENED MUSIC.]
[DETERMINED MUSIC.]
Sir, how long would it take you to get me to Far Rockaway and back? Uh, 17 hours? Uh, five to sit in this chair before we go, two hours to get there, then my nephew comes to set up my chair out there.
Forget I asked.
[MAN.]
Wait, stop! I can't live without you! I fell out again! [STIRRING MUSIC.]
I love you.
And I wanna spend the rest of your life together.
[TEARFULLY.]
Are you sure? 'Cause black men live to 60 now.
[TITUS.]
Than can ever be seen More to do Than can ever be done - It's the circle of life - [ENSEMBLE SINGING IN SWAHILI.]
And it moves us all Through despair and hope Through faith And love Till we find our place On the path unwinding [ENSEMBLE SINGING IN SWAHILI.]
It's the circle The circle Of life - - [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[GEORGIULIO.]
It's June 27, 2023, and this is your George Georgiulio Georgiu-York Minute! [GIGGLES.]
What? [LILLIAN.]
This train is now going super express.
Tourists and yuppie transplants alike were lost, confused, and afraid this week as the MTA rolled out the new voice of the New York City subway.
Hey, the doors'll be opening on the wrong side of the train from now on.
Good luck, you honky sons of bitches! Ha! Yeah! [GEORGIULIO.]
In show biz news, Midtown rolled out the red carpet for Broadway star Titus Andromedon's feature film debut, Sliding Doors 2: Tokyo Doors.
And I had front-row seats for all the action.
Thank you to everyone, especially myself.
And, of course, my husband, Michael, and our beautiful ethnic babies, Keitha Hernandez and Cape Politano-Andromedon.
[GEORGIULIO.]
Thank you, Titus, and thank you, babies.
if you think Tripp Knob is getting first billing above Greg Kinnear in the new Nom Nom movie.
Whatever.
This movie's just a paycheck for Tripp.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Meanwhile, in Florida, where I came for the story but did not visit my mother, New York's own Kimmy Schmidt was on hand for the grand opening of Greemulax World at Universal Studios.
I'm George Georgiulio.
I, K.
C.
Schmidt, hereby declare the Grabagorn's Horn ready to ride! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
My baby made this! That means I'm allowed to ride it as much as I want for life.
You did all this for me.
I'm an amazing mom.
We're opening a Grabagorn's Horn in London.
- Wanna come with me? - Hell yeah! We have to brush up on our English.
[WITH COCKNEY ACCENT.]
'Ello.
What's all this, then? [WITH COCKNEY ACCENT.]
Show my fanny to the swells for a threepence, I do! [LAUGHS.]
[CHILD.]
The ride is open! Oh! I'm first! I'm her mother! Queen Lorianna the Wobbly is based on me.
Welcome, knights! Ms.
Schmidt, your books makes me feel safe.
[HEARTWARMING MUSIC.]
[UPLIFTING MUSIC.]
Aw, fudge yeah.
[SINGERS.]
Damn it [GANGLY ORPHAN JEFF.]
Keep a smile in your pocket When the wolf is rat-a-tattin' At the door Just lock it tight Keep a dream in your heart And you'll never, ever want for more Unless you're in a knife fight Chin high Spit in the eye Of the folks who can't stop laughing At the stupid things you've done [PLUCKY MUSIC.]
Don't ever stop Even though your heart is breaking Don't look over your shoulder At the love you left behind They say life's too short But they're wrong It's so long Sometimes the only way to go Is to just go on - Good night, everybody! - Good night!