Web Therapy (2011) s04e12 Episode Script
Fiona Fulfilled
Previously on "Web Therapy" - My name is Jenny Bologna.
- Yes.
Uh, I am a fixer, are you aware of what that is? I'm laying low, I'm trying not to do anything.
We've got meetings with GSN and HGTV.
We're thinking of getting you on love it or list it.
That way, people can see you as a real person, as opposed to the the uppity, sort of hoity-toity person that you portray yourself to be out there in the world.
- Oh, you're from Boston! - Oh, yes.
- Oh, I didn't - we know who Putsy Hodge is.
This is the woman we all aspired to be when we were growing up in our little community.
I'm preparing to tamper with the brakes - on the justice's car tonight.
- No, why would you do that? Because I want to get Kip a seat on the Supreme Court of Pennsylvania.
You don't know how to do such a thing.
And all I need from you is the password to Jerome's YouTube account because that's where the video is that shows you how to tamper with the justice's brakes.
S04E12 Fiona Fulfilled - Hi.
- Hello, Kip.
- Hi.
- Hi.
It's good I haven't heard from you since, you know, - my life exploded.
- Yeah, the debacle.
Well I'm gonna take a little leave of absence.
I got to regroup.
I got to rethink.
I've got just got to clear my head a little.
So I'm just going to, uh I'm glad you caught me Oh, good.
'Cause I'm on a plane later tonight.
- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.
All right, just as well, to get out of the way of the melee, - you know, 'cause I mean - Yeah, there's a whole media storm approaching, because they're all interested in me.
Everyone wants to talk to me now, you know, because Well, you know, good for you, not so good for me.
It's not you seem upset.
Well, I'm I'm concerned for a lot of reasons, but, you know, it's, uh you know, you have to you're gonna have to sort of get your way out of this, because, you know, you've been exposed, and It's not my fault that someone from the NSA released all of my sessions to the world.
That's not my fault.
No, I guess you're just a victim of circumstance, really.
- That's exactly right.
- Yeah.
I'm a victim of circumstance and a hero of the people.
What I find a little, uh odd is that you had no idea this was going on, because you seem to have your finger on everything, and you seem to know what's going on Oh, yes, I have my finger on the NSA very good, Kip.
No, that's my mother you're thinking of.
She's more of a Machiavelli than I.
Well, she's furious about a lot of things.
Yes, I know.
I've met her.
Is that a revelation to you? Well, she went to a lot of trouble, getting that vacancy on the State Supreme Court.
You know, you don't just twitch your nose and someone's car brakes fail.
It takes planning, and she has been planning this for a long time, and now it's, you know - Murder for naught.
- For what? - All right.
- Yeah, for what? I'm I'm too radioactive to be appointed, and, you know and now with this, everything I just I just have to get away.
- I have to get away.
- All right, fine.
Where are you and April going off to, if I may know? Oh, no, no, April dumped me.
She just wanted to be the wife of someone on the State Supreme Court, so - Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
Well, you know what? Now it's the right time for for someone who loves you and truly appreciates you to step in.
Exactly, so I'm meeting Ben in Montana later tonight.
Well, he knows me.
He appreciates me.
He's seen me in the good days, the bad days, and he's, you know, he's stuck with me, you know.
Right, so okay, so then you're gay again.
No, it has nothing to do with being gay.
I mean, Ben's not gay.
He saw some things in prison that left a bad taste in his mouth, and he's just he's "no gay, no way.
" - That's what he told me.
- Okay.
His email was sort of funny.
"No gay, no way," I thought that was sort of witty.
- That is sort of witty.
- Yeah.
- That's exactly what it is.
- Anyway so he twitched his nose, and he's no longer gay.
Sometimes being in prison can have, you know, some very profound effects on you, and you can say, "hey, wait a minute.
This isn't what I want.
" Right, "I don't want to be raped.
" - Yes, okay.
- "Oh, wait a minute.
This hurts.
I don't want this.
" The thing is, you know, I-I'm I'm gonna be with someone who knows me inside and out, who's been with me through the thick and the thin and up, the down, in and out and so we're gonna just go to Montana.
Oh.
That's where I'm flying tonight, and we're gonna go, you know, explore the terrain and with a tent and a tin bath and a sleeping bag and a it's a spiritual examination, really.
Yes, on Brokeback Mountain? - Is that where you're camping? - Ww-where's that? There was a movie, okay? - All right, never mind.
- Um - When are you coming back, then? - I'm not I'm not sure.
I don't have a return ticket yet.
I'm just I'm just going one way and then the other.
Okay, well, if that's so you're indecisive about that.
Have you decided whether we're married or not anymore? Fiona, of course we're married.
We'll always be married, that's who we're a couple.
- Right.
- We're just not together.
- Right.
- So, yeah, so - Okay.
- We're, you know, we're On separate sides of the plate now, but we're together.
- But we're - Right, just on your side of the pie pan having your piece and I'm on the other half, having my piece.
Ben likes a banana split, so I think it's more like a banana split on our side.
- Okay.
- But I-I-I-I just want to say, Fiona, that I will always love Oh, look, that's Arianna Huffington.
All right.
Hello? Arianna, this is Fiona.
I couldn't I'm sorry.
I don't understand you with your accent.
I'm still not getting it.
Uh-oh.
What are we gonna do? Jerome? Oh, Dr.
Wallice, thank God you answered.
- Well - Um - I'm going off the grid.
- What? - Yeah.
- Why? Yeah, well, I'm gonna be a fugitive, running from the law.
- Why? - Apparently I'm being arrested for conspiracy to commit a murder, because of the Supreme Court judge.
But but you had nothing to do that was my mother - Yes.
- who tampered with his brakes.
Well, it was supposed to be, but at the last minute her arthritis flared up, and I went instead.
- Oh, Jerome.
- You know me kind of a good samaritan.
Good samaritan in that you were helping to kill someone? She had gotten me a matching catsuit, so what was I supposed to do? - Say no.
- She's been very good to me, - over the years, and I really - Okay.
wanted to help her, and so I had downloaded all those YouTube videos on how to break into that car and how to tamper with those brakes, and I put them on my iPad.
I had them.
- Okay.
- But then I left the iPad in the car, and I think that's what tipped off the police.
Really? You think that's what did it? - I think so.
- Okay.
Anyway, now Gina is still at the rehab.
- Right.
- And they're on lockdown.
I don't know what happened over there.
- Okay.
- So little Angus - Oh! - What's he to do? I don't know.
I called the notary, and I hope this is okay, but you're the closest thing to family that I have.
And what I don't like children, you know that.
Well, I know, but I bequeathed him to you, because you're his aunt Fifi.
No, I'm not.
That's not my name.
- It's listen - is that what you wrote? I typed up everything, all the instructions when he gets his nap, when he needs to be changed - Oof.
- All of his toys His food regimen, his exercise regimen.
- I can't do it.
- Well, what am I gonna do? I don't know who else I would trust with Angus and his life and all that money! Then I can't let you down, can I? Oh, Dr.
Wallice, thank you so much.
It's my pleasure.
But let me ask you something.
- Yes, yes.
- So do I don't I need to sign something? Is the notary still there? No, no, I've gotten all the documents signed.
The documents are ready for you to sign as well.
- And they're there? - And they're here.
Are they in a secret drawer? Where could I find them? They're on the front table of the house.
- Front table of the house.
- Yes, and it's the "Angus financial trust account," it's called that.
"Angus financial trust account.
" "Angus financial trust account," okay? Okay, and then is there, like - Yes, thank you so much.
- Another account or cash somewhere in there? Well, there was cash, but I took some with me.
Should I leave that? Oh, so I won't have leave it, because I'll need - I'll leave it for you, okay.
- Formula, diapers there's also a roll of 500s that I stuck in the I dream of Jeannie bobblehead that's on my night table.
- So, if you yeah.
- Okay, I'll find that too.
Yeah, okay.
- I've got the money for you.
- Great, and Oh! That's my uber.
- You called uber? - Well, yeah.
I'm making my escape.
I'm gonna be off the grid.
They're gonna get me out of town.
You're escaping with a tracking device? Oh, I didn't even think of that I will send him away.
I hate to leave them waiting, 'cause then they - you have to pay them anyway.
- Okay, that's Okay, I'll be right back.
- Not smart.
- I'm coming! Coming! This is why populations go extinct, - this kind of stup - Put your hands up! Oh! Ow, ow! Sir, you have to stop flailing.
- I will cooperate! - Stop flailing, sir.
Not the taser! Well, that's you know.
- That stings! - Oh, the documents are there.
I need to get those.
And there's cash.
Oh, I wonder if they left the door open.
I'd better get over there before they lock it.
Oh, and the baby's there too.
Oh, do I want to open an email from Jerome? I don't want to really engage with a jailbird.
Oh.
Well, all right.
Look at the link.
Oh.
Oh.
That's stupid.
Really? Oh, God.
Oh, yes, by all means, give them a better look at you.
You really are the stupidest criminal I'm sorry.
The most stupidest criminal.
- Fiona, hi.
- Hi, Gina! Just checking in on how your first week is going.
- This job is fantastic.
- Oh, good.
Oh, I love Angus now that he's not my child anymore - Interesting.
- That I'm just his nanny.
Oh, no pressure of responsibility It's night and day.
He's so much happier.
Isn't it different when you're paid to do a job? When you're the mother, you're not really paid to do the job.
It's different.
It's nothing but burden and responsibility.
But I love this job because all I have to do is keep - the baby away from you - Right, basically.
- 'Cause the baby hates you - Right.
And keep it alive.
- Isn't that great? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, he seems to be a happy little fella.
And I like him more.
I mean, I used to think he was a total asshole.
- Exactly.
- But now Oh, and you look very good.
I was a little concerned because I'm sorry.
I was desperate.
I had to yank you out of that rehab facility, - but you were needed.
- Oh, I'm so glad you did.
But it was amazing, and, you know, it's literally it's been 3 months, - Oh.
- since I had anal.
You're count wow.
- Pretty good.
- That's a do you get, like, - a chip or a - Yeah, um - Lollipop for that or - Yeah, they really they gave me this awesome penny.
It's so cool.
- Aw.
- And it says "Keep coming back.
It works if you work it.
" Okay.
"Works if you work it.
" So I can work it! I just can't twerk it.
- Right.
What - I can work it.
I just can't twerk it.
Is something happening here? Oh, this is just, you know, it's a tool.
It's just, you know every time I think about sex, I'm supposed to do this, and then I won't have sex.
- Oh.
- It's great, yeah.
Oh, so you did get something out of that place, other than the need for antibiotics.
- Oh, good! - I really did.
Oh, that's great.
- I loved it.
- Oh, cute.
And all the look at all the artwork! - Yeah.
- Is that he he couldn't have done that, could he? Oh, I've had a lot of time to paint, so, you know, I'm really getting in touch with my inner child - Great.
- Because I think that's why I had such problems with sex, because I just wasn't in touch with my child.
Interesting.
Oh.
- To to certain people - Yeah.
- That would be fascinating.
- Totally fascinating, yeah.
Great, keep thinking about that.
You know, I'm working on the steps.
I'm having a hard time I'm on the eighth step, but I'm getting it confused with the second step.
Oh, I thought you were talking about all the steps in the house, 'cause this is, I think, the third kitchen - I've seen.
- Yeah, it's - it's a lot of kitchens - Right.
- You know.
- I wonder if the people who lived there before were kosher.
I don't know.
- I think they probably were.
- You know what that means? - It's great.
- Okay.
- Yeah, kosher.
- Does kosher make you think of sex? 'Cause that's you're - Jewish men are hot.
- Oh, right.
- Oh.
- Hi.
- Jenny, thank you.
- Brava, brava, brava.
Oh, thank you, yes.
I hope I was sympathetic enough.
You know, I tried to You're you are we're getting there.
- Do everything you say.
- We're really getting there.
I really do think that this was a very successful oh! There's that kettle that I love.
Remember I told you how much I loved that kettle.
Yes, it's just a kettle.
We always wanted a kettle when I was growing up, but we had to boil our water in our hands, so - That's unbelievable.
- Anyway, that's my story.
Here's my violin, right? Okay, anyway This came with the penthouse, actually.
- It did? - Everything was here, 'cause Austin really took care of me.
So he had I had everything I needed, all the cookware - That's - that I don't use, because I don't cook, but That's 'cause you have people to do that for you.
- Right.
- Yeah, I do.
So I thought that everything went wonderful.
I thought the photo shoot for we the people was - Right.
- extraordinary, honestly.
Yes, I was only I thought that I had I was gonna be doing People Magazine.
- Oh! - 'Cause I don't know what - we the people is.
- And be on the cover with Kim Kardashian and North West, right? - Well, I don't know.
- It's baby steps, okay? - Okay.
- Let's not jump - into that pool yet.
- All right.
So, anyway, I have a few more things that we'll go over, as they start to come into fruition.
I think that we have lost the game show network piece.
- Oh.
- But we're looking into other online magazines and other online shows - that we can find.
- Oh, okay.
And then we'll hit for the big ones, then we'll call up Barbara Walters, you know? - Right, yes.
- So, the TV guide channel has a wonderful forum for you.
Direct TV, channel 101 - Yeah.
- Sometimes you see it, - and it's just blue? - Right.
But they actually do have programming on there, from about 3:00 to about 6:00 in the morning.
- Oh, that's wonderful.
- We are getting there.
Yeah no, I think so.
I think I really garnered some support.
For sure.
You just need to keep on doing what you've been doing.
Right, yes.
Right, just coming on very downtrodden - Right.
- and and sympathetic - Yes.
- and not talking too much and and not lying.
I think I have another sympathy angle - Okay.
- 'Cause I had a bag of things that were that was stolen.
So can we use that? I had my pearl-handled hairbrush - What? - My toothbrush.
It was sort of like a vanity bag, you know, - that I - Oh, oh.
I probably misplaced it, but should we say it was stolen? Does that help my cause? So it's not a good idea.
No yes, we'll get it back.
Don't you worry.
- Oh, good.
- Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about something very exciting.
- Okay.
- Are you sitting down? - I'm kidding.
I know you are.
- I'm just tall, but, yeah.
Anyway, I got a call from Google The Google, and they are interested - In purchasing web therapy.
- Oh, my Okay? So this is big news.
Is that possibly really true? That's been my dream, maybe you know.
Well, I can't say that it is, and I can't say that it's not, but you're welcome.
Oh.
Apropos to nothing.
- Oh! - Yes! Isn't that wonderful? - This is it.
- But here's the problem.
Oh.
They need us to get together with your mother and discuss net therapy, because Google is a little nervous that she will try to sue, because you possibly stole the idea from her, so No, and I did not steal the idea.
No, no I understand that you did not.
I can see why they'd be nervous, because Well, they're very nervous, and they're a very big company, and they have a lot to lose.
So, in order for us to keep this deal, which will make you millions of dollars, okay? - Yes, tens of millions, - Well - If not more.
- Well, a couple, for sure Before taxes, but you need to get us all together in a room.
Um, it's really very important, okay? Yeah, that's that's the tricky part, 'cause I don't see that happening.
- Why? - No, you don't understand.
She was a horrible mother my entire life.
Aw.
Did she get you the wrong color pony? No, it was the right color.
She had a good eye, - but, no, the pony bit me.
- Aw.
And then my mother said, "oh, Fiona, why do you keep provoking it?" Oh, well, try having a pet spider not very cuddly and really difficult to ride.
But the truth is, you weren't raised by her, - so you don't know - No.
- that she's a nightmare.
- No, I was raised by a drunk.
Right, well, I think maybe I would have been better off.
How's that? Because Okay, I actually, this has to happen.
I must get in the room with her so that we can discuss this Google deal, or else the Google deal will go away.
Are you listening to me, Fiona? I am listening to you, but I don't think you're - Okay, no, you really need - listening to me.
- Can I just have her number? - She's a nightmare.
May I just have her private number? - I'd rather not.
- Because maybe if I just talk to her myself Fiona, you need to understand the severity of the situation.
I must get in a room with her.
No, you can't because I must get in a room with your mother! The minute she knows that it's for me, - she's not going to help.
- Okay, she's not your mother! - Hmm? - She's not your mother.
Would that it were true, but I was born at St.
Vincent's.
- Right.
- You were born at St.
Vincent's the same day, the same hour, and believe it or not, - the same year.
- Oh.
Now, that night, apparently the head of the pediatric nursing was taking a great deal of morphine, and she was switching babies all over the place.
You're hysterical, so maybe you don't know what you're saying.
No, no, no, no.
Listen to me.
You know that bag of your things? - The yes.
- Your toothbrush, - right.
- Your hairbrush - Yes.
- Your band-aid - Oh.
- Your chewing gum Your dress shields, your q-tips - Oh, you really looked - your spanx, your night guard? - I need that.
- Do you recall that vial of blood I had taken from you? Right, I wasn't sure why.
I've sent them off to get the DNA - checked on those.
- But don't you also need and when that comes back My mother Putsy Hodge's DNA? I followed her for three weeks.
Man, that woman does not throw anything out.
But finally, she threw out a cup from Starbucks.
- Oh.
- Sent it in.
So tomorrow an envelope is going to be arriving at my home at 10:30 in the morning, at which point you and your mother and I are going to be together when I open up that envelope and find out that I am Putsy Hodge's daughter.
- You're Jenny Hodge.
- I'm Jenny Hodge.
And I'm Fiona Bologna.
- Oh, hello, mother.
- Hello, Fiona.
- Thank you for calling in.
- It's 10:25.
That's the time I was to call to find out what was so important about Kip.
Oh, yes, I are you wearing a shoe on your head? Oh, my dear, it's a hat.
It's a chapeau.
Oh.
A shoe-peau.
I don't get it.
Well, 'cause instead of chapeau, because it's a shoe, it's a shoe-pea - You see? - I still do not get it.
Okay.
Well, I wanted to let you know that Kip's wife has a very lucrative offer on the table from Google to purchase web therapy.
Isn't that wonderful for him? So, in order for that to happen for him, I'm going to need you to sign a waiver, saying that it's okay and that I didn't um, steal the idea from you.
I have to I'll have to think this over, Fiona.
I will have to give it deep and consistent thought.
Mother, I didn't steal net therapy, okay? I was doing web therapy first, and you remember, you asked, "how much do you charge?" You had Jerome help you set it up, because he had already helped me with web therapy.
What can I do for you, Fiona? Tell me what it is that you want from me.
I well, I did I told you, I need you to sign a waiver I mean, besides the Google business.
But that's all.
That's really what I need.
I'm gonna have you know, I don't know if you've noticed, but then NSA brouhaha has lessened.
- Yes.
- You know, and that's to the credit of that fixer who's working with me now.
She's the one responsible for quelling the horrible scandal, you know, encompassing me with the NSA.
And she's helping you to the end of helping Kip? Well, of course it helps Kip, doesn't it? If I become, you know my scandal goes away, - doesn't that help Kip? - Well, that is - that's engaging.
- It is.
Her name is, uh Jenny Bologna.
- Ah, Jenny Bologna.
- And, um, there's something else to her you should know.
She believes that she's your daughter.
She believes she's my daughter? We were switched at birth, which is absurd, - but let's humor her - Well, perhaps not.
Perhaps not, Fiona.
Well, perhaps of course it's absurd.
- She's can't - I've always felt an uneasiness in my breast when I held you as a child.
Right, but maybe that's just your hard-wiring.
Maybe this is the answer to my prayers.
Well, let's see, all right? Because she's stolen fluids from both of us, it seems, and she's run a DNA test.
But let's humor her anyway, because we need her help, right? For Kip and for me.
Oh, here she is.
I'm gonna add her.
- Hello, Jenny.
- Oh, hello, Fiona.
So, as you know, this is Putsy Hodge.
- Yes, I do.
- Jenny, Jenny.
- Hi.
- Hello, Jenny, hello, Jenny.
- I love you.
- So nice to meet you.
- Already? - I can't believe I'm I'm looking right it's like looking into a mirror.
You are just so elegant and so wonderful and so intelligent.
It really is just like looking right into myself.
- Yes.
- Wow! I'm It's just like seeing my reflection.
As opposed to a mirror? All right, should we should we get on with it? Oh, do you have the test results? Oh, there, they were fedexed to her.
- All right, I'm shaking.
- I'm so excited.
I've known my whole life.
I've known.
I've known.
I've known.
"Dear Jenny Bologna" Is it what I think it is? Jenny, Jenny, Jenny.
- "Sample 'a' - Is it what I think? "Is a match to sample 'c.
' sample 'b' is not a match to sample 'c.
'" - am I who am I? - This is - Yes, yes! - You're "b"! You're "b"! I'm "b.
" I'm not the - Thank the heavenly mother.
- You're "b," I'm "a"! - You're "b"! - Could you mail a copy to - not I trust you, but - Oh, mama.
I've waited my whole life for this moment.
- I mean, I just - My darling girl.
My darling girl, you can rest easy now.
- You're a Hodge.
- I'm free.
Oh, my gosh, I am just absolutely delighted and over the moon.
You are one of the most engaging young women Oh, thank you.
I've had the pleasure of meeting.
You just met.
You know, it's it's funny, my natural hair color is red.
And I'd prove it to you right now, but I shave that completely bald down there, but it's the truth.
- Well, I did too.
- Oh, Fiona.
But Jenny, Jenny, how did this happen? Well, from what I can piece together, apparently you were very rude to one of the nurses there, and they took away your beautiful baby, and they gave you an ugly one.
Well, I wasn't such an ugly baby Let me tell you, Jenny, what I think happened.
I went the first day when my baby was born.
I picked her up, and it was a feeling of joy, a feeling of completion.
And then I went to pick her up the next day, and she looked weird to me.
She looked maniacal, somehow.
And I felt the milk in my bosom drying up.
- And I know now what that was.
- Yes, that's exact I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that, mommy.
I'm saddened for Fiona, aren't you? - Oh.
- But I'm happy for us.
- Very much so.
- And, Fiona, this is kind of - good news for you and me.
- Yes? Well, it explains why I've hated you all these years.
And it's so much better to hate a stranger than to hate your own daughter, wouldn't you agree, Jenny? Oh, I absolutely.
I absolutely agree.
But wait.
Can I just add what about, Jenny, the Google deal, you know, the multimillion-dollar oh, they sent me those papers a week ago.
I've just been sitting on them - until this moment.
- Oh.
I'll send them off to you tomorrow.
Okay.
I cannot wait to see you, my dear.
- Me too.
- How will I recognize you? But you can you see me now.
- I won't be much different, but - Yes.
I might be wearing my shoe-pea Oh, that's so delightful.
It just came off the top of my head! I'm so glad that my sense of humor will live on - in the next generation.
- Yes.
All right, see you tomorrow.
I'll pick you up at the airport.
Bye-bye, darling.
- Bye-bye.
- Good-bye? Well, she's really not my mother? She's really not my mother.
Oh.
Oh, it's a message from Austen.
Fiona, darling, I'm calling from my Nairobi hotel.
Great news I was drilling in my african village, and we struck oil mixed with diamonds.
- What? - I'm rich again.
I'm coming back to get you.
Please tell me that you still love me.
I love you.
I'll be in Philadelphia tomorrow.
Much love till then, my dearest, dearest Fiona.
Okay.
Oh, this day! I can practice again too.
Look at all of these piling up that want to see me.
It's been so many weeks.
I hope I remember how to do it.
I should practice.
Hello, I'm Dr.
Fiona Wallice.
How can you help me? How can I help you? I should get that down.
Hello, I'm Dr.
Fiona Wallice.
How can you Hello, I'm Dr.
Fiona Wallice.
What can you do for me? No Shoot.
Hello, I'm Dr.
Fiona Wallice.
I'm here for you.
I don't buy it.
Hello, I'm Dr.
Fiona Wallice.
How can I help you? I went to pick up my baby for the first time, this newborn little toddler No.
That's a tough delivery.
I need to sit down with your mother, Putsy.
That's not her name.
- What's her name? - Yeah, that is, Putsy.
- That was it.
That was good.
- Okay, got it.
All right, here we go, sorry.
There is one caveat.
I-I need to sit down with your mother, Puttsy.
- And we need - No, it's Putsy.
You said "Puttsy" this time.
Oh, my God, we're doing this now? Well, I don't know, because I don't think I don't think we are.
- Okay.
- We don't have to! - No, we're gonna do it.
- What do you want to do? - I want to go take - what show do you want to do? I want to go lay down.
- Yes.
Uh, I am a fixer, are you aware of what that is? I'm laying low, I'm trying not to do anything.
We've got meetings with GSN and HGTV.
We're thinking of getting you on love it or list it.
That way, people can see you as a real person, as opposed to the the uppity, sort of hoity-toity person that you portray yourself to be out there in the world.
- Oh, you're from Boston! - Oh, yes.
- Oh, I didn't - we know who Putsy Hodge is.
This is the woman we all aspired to be when we were growing up in our little community.
I'm preparing to tamper with the brakes - on the justice's car tonight.
- No, why would you do that? Because I want to get Kip a seat on the Supreme Court of Pennsylvania.
You don't know how to do such a thing.
And all I need from you is the password to Jerome's YouTube account because that's where the video is that shows you how to tamper with the justice's brakes.
S04E12 Fiona Fulfilled - Hi.
- Hello, Kip.
- Hi.
- Hi.
It's good I haven't heard from you since, you know, - my life exploded.
- Yeah, the debacle.
Well I'm gonna take a little leave of absence.
I got to regroup.
I got to rethink.
I've got just got to clear my head a little.
So I'm just going to, uh I'm glad you caught me Oh, good.
'Cause I'm on a plane later tonight.
- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.
All right, just as well, to get out of the way of the melee, - you know, 'cause I mean - Yeah, there's a whole media storm approaching, because they're all interested in me.
Everyone wants to talk to me now, you know, because Well, you know, good for you, not so good for me.
It's not you seem upset.
Well, I'm I'm concerned for a lot of reasons, but, you know, it's, uh you know, you have to you're gonna have to sort of get your way out of this, because, you know, you've been exposed, and It's not my fault that someone from the NSA released all of my sessions to the world.
That's not my fault.
No, I guess you're just a victim of circumstance, really.
- That's exactly right.
- Yeah.
I'm a victim of circumstance and a hero of the people.
What I find a little, uh odd is that you had no idea this was going on, because you seem to have your finger on everything, and you seem to know what's going on Oh, yes, I have my finger on the NSA very good, Kip.
No, that's my mother you're thinking of.
She's more of a Machiavelli than I.
Well, she's furious about a lot of things.
Yes, I know.
I've met her.
Is that a revelation to you? Well, she went to a lot of trouble, getting that vacancy on the State Supreme Court.
You know, you don't just twitch your nose and someone's car brakes fail.
It takes planning, and she has been planning this for a long time, and now it's, you know - Murder for naught.
- For what? - All right.
- Yeah, for what? I'm I'm too radioactive to be appointed, and, you know and now with this, everything I just I just have to get away.
- I have to get away.
- All right, fine.
Where are you and April going off to, if I may know? Oh, no, no, April dumped me.
She just wanted to be the wife of someone on the State Supreme Court, so - Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
Well, you know what? Now it's the right time for for someone who loves you and truly appreciates you to step in.
Exactly, so I'm meeting Ben in Montana later tonight.
Well, he knows me.
He appreciates me.
He's seen me in the good days, the bad days, and he's, you know, he's stuck with me, you know.
Right, so okay, so then you're gay again.
No, it has nothing to do with being gay.
I mean, Ben's not gay.
He saw some things in prison that left a bad taste in his mouth, and he's just he's "no gay, no way.
" - That's what he told me.
- Okay.
His email was sort of funny.
"No gay, no way," I thought that was sort of witty.
- That is sort of witty.
- Yeah.
- That's exactly what it is.
- Anyway so he twitched his nose, and he's no longer gay.
Sometimes being in prison can have, you know, some very profound effects on you, and you can say, "hey, wait a minute.
This isn't what I want.
" Right, "I don't want to be raped.
" - Yes, okay.
- "Oh, wait a minute.
This hurts.
I don't want this.
" The thing is, you know, I-I'm I'm gonna be with someone who knows me inside and out, who's been with me through the thick and the thin and up, the down, in and out and so we're gonna just go to Montana.
Oh.
That's where I'm flying tonight, and we're gonna go, you know, explore the terrain and with a tent and a tin bath and a sleeping bag and a it's a spiritual examination, really.
Yes, on Brokeback Mountain? - Is that where you're camping? - Ww-where's that? There was a movie, okay? - All right, never mind.
- Um - When are you coming back, then? - I'm not I'm not sure.
I don't have a return ticket yet.
I'm just I'm just going one way and then the other.
Okay, well, if that's so you're indecisive about that.
Have you decided whether we're married or not anymore? Fiona, of course we're married.
We'll always be married, that's who we're a couple.
- Right.
- We're just not together.
- Right.
- So, yeah, so - Okay.
- We're, you know, we're On separate sides of the plate now, but we're together.
- But we're - Right, just on your side of the pie pan having your piece and I'm on the other half, having my piece.
Ben likes a banana split, so I think it's more like a banana split on our side.
- Okay.
- But I-I-I-I just want to say, Fiona, that I will always love Oh, look, that's Arianna Huffington.
All right.
Hello? Arianna, this is Fiona.
I couldn't I'm sorry.
I don't understand you with your accent.
I'm still not getting it.
Uh-oh.
What are we gonna do? Jerome? Oh, Dr.
Wallice, thank God you answered.
- Well - Um - I'm going off the grid.
- What? - Yeah.
- Why? Yeah, well, I'm gonna be a fugitive, running from the law.
- Why? - Apparently I'm being arrested for conspiracy to commit a murder, because of the Supreme Court judge.
But but you had nothing to do that was my mother - Yes.
- who tampered with his brakes.
Well, it was supposed to be, but at the last minute her arthritis flared up, and I went instead.
- Oh, Jerome.
- You know me kind of a good samaritan.
Good samaritan in that you were helping to kill someone? She had gotten me a matching catsuit, so what was I supposed to do? - Say no.
- She's been very good to me, - over the years, and I really - Okay.
wanted to help her, and so I had downloaded all those YouTube videos on how to break into that car and how to tamper with those brakes, and I put them on my iPad.
I had them.
- Okay.
- But then I left the iPad in the car, and I think that's what tipped off the police.
Really? You think that's what did it? - I think so.
- Okay.
Anyway, now Gina is still at the rehab.
- Right.
- And they're on lockdown.
I don't know what happened over there.
- Okay.
- So little Angus - Oh! - What's he to do? I don't know.
I called the notary, and I hope this is okay, but you're the closest thing to family that I have.
And what I don't like children, you know that.
Well, I know, but I bequeathed him to you, because you're his aunt Fifi.
No, I'm not.
That's not my name.
- It's listen - is that what you wrote? I typed up everything, all the instructions when he gets his nap, when he needs to be changed - Oof.
- All of his toys His food regimen, his exercise regimen.
- I can't do it.
- Well, what am I gonna do? I don't know who else I would trust with Angus and his life and all that money! Then I can't let you down, can I? Oh, Dr.
Wallice, thank you so much.
It's my pleasure.
But let me ask you something.
- Yes, yes.
- So do I don't I need to sign something? Is the notary still there? No, no, I've gotten all the documents signed.
The documents are ready for you to sign as well.
- And they're there? - And they're here.
Are they in a secret drawer? Where could I find them? They're on the front table of the house.
- Front table of the house.
- Yes, and it's the "Angus financial trust account," it's called that.
"Angus financial trust account.
" "Angus financial trust account," okay? Okay, and then is there, like - Yes, thank you so much.
- Another account or cash somewhere in there? Well, there was cash, but I took some with me.
Should I leave that? Oh, so I won't have leave it, because I'll need - I'll leave it for you, okay.
- Formula, diapers there's also a roll of 500s that I stuck in the I dream of Jeannie bobblehead that's on my night table.
- So, if you yeah.
- Okay, I'll find that too.
Yeah, okay.
- I've got the money for you.
- Great, and Oh! That's my uber.
- You called uber? - Well, yeah.
I'm making my escape.
I'm gonna be off the grid.
They're gonna get me out of town.
You're escaping with a tracking device? Oh, I didn't even think of that I will send him away.
I hate to leave them waiting, 'cause then they - you have to pay them anyway.
- Okay, that's Okay, I'll be right back.
- Not smart.
- I'm coming! Coming! This is why populations go extinct, - this kind of stup - Put your hands up! Oh! Ow, ow! Sir, you have to stop flailing.
- I will cooperate! - Stop flailing, sir.
Not the taser! Well, that's you know.
- That stings! - Oh, the documents are there.
I need to get those.
And there's cash.
Oh, I wonder if they left the door open.
I'd better get over there before they lock it.
Oh, and the baby's there too.
Oh, do I want to open an email from Jerome? I don't want to really engage with a jailbird.
Oh.
Well, all right.
Look at the link.
Oh.
Oh.
That's stupid.
Really? Oh, God.
Oh, yes, by all means, give them a better look at you.
You really are the stupidest criminal I'm sorry.
The most stupidest criminal.
- Fiona, hi.
- Hi, Gina! Just checking in on how your first week is going.
- This job is fantastic.
- Oh, good.
Oh, I love Angus now that he's not my child anymore - Interesting.
- That I'm just his nanny.
Oh, no pressure of responsibility It's night and day.
He's so much happier.
Isn't it different when you're paid to do a job? When you're the mother, you're not really paid to do the job.
It's different.
It's nothing but burden and responsibility.
But I love this job because all I have to do is keep - the baby away from you - Right, basically.
- 'Cause the baby hates you - Right.
And keep it alive.
- Isn't that great? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, he seems to be a happy little fella.
And I like him more.
I mean, I used to think he was a total asshole.
- Exactly.
- But now Oh, and you look very good.
I was a little concerned because I'm sorry.
I was desperate.
I had to yank you out of that rehab facility, - but you were needed.
- Oh, I'm so glad you did.
But it was amazing, and, you know, it's literally it's been 3 months, - Oh.
- since I had anal.
You're count wow.
- Pretty good.
- That's a do you get, like, - a chip or a - Yeah, um - Lollipop for that or - Yeah, they really they gave me this awesome penny.
It's so cool.
- Aw.
- And it says "Keep coming back.
It works if you work it.
" Okay.
"Works if you work it.
" So I can work it! I just can't twerk it.
- Right.
What - I can work it.
I just can't twerk it.
Is something happening here? Oh, this is just, you know, it's a tool.
It's just, you know every time I think about sex, I'm supposed to do this, and then I won't have sex.
- Oh.
- It's great, yeah.
Oh, so you did get something out of that place, other than the need for antibiotics.
- Oh, good! - I really did.
Oh, that's great.
- I loved it.
- Oh, cute.
And all the look at all the artwork! - Yeah.
- Is that he he couldn't have done that, could he? Oh, I've had a lot of time to paint, so, you know, I'm really getting in touch with my inner child - Great.
- Because I think that's why I had such problems with sex, because I just wasn't in touch with my child.
Interesting.
Oh.
- To to certain people - Yeah.
- That would be fascinating.
- Totally fascinating, yeah.
Great, keep thinking about that.
You know, I'm working on the steps.
I'm having a hard time I'm on the eighth step, but I'm getting it confused with the second step.
Oh, I thought you were talking about all the steps in the house, 'cause this is, I think, the third kitchen - I've seen.
- Yeah, it's - it's a lot of kitchens - Right.
- You know.
- I wonder if the people who lived there before were kosher.
I don't know.
- I think they probably were.
- You know what that means? - It's great.
- Okay.
- Yeah, kosher.
- Does kosher make you think of sex? 'Cause that's you're - Jewish men are hot.
- Oh, right.
- Oh.
- Hi.
- Jenny, thank you.
- Brava, brava, brava.
Oh, thank you, yes.
I hope I was sympathetic enough.
You know, I tried to You're you are we're getting there.
- Do everything you say.
- We're really getting there.
I really do think that this was a very successful oh! There's that kettle that I love.
Remember I told you how much I loved that kettle.
Yes, it's just a kettle.
We always wanted a kettle when I was growing up, but we had to boil our water in our hands, so - That's unbelievable.
- Anyway, that's my story.
Here's my violin, right? Okay, anyway This came with the penthouse, actually.
- It did? - Everything was here, 'cause Austin really took care of me.
So he had I had everything I needed, all the cookware - That's - that I don't use, because I don't cook, but That's 'cause you have people to do that for you.
- Right.
- Yeah, I do.
So I thought that everything went wonderful.
I thought the photo shoot for we the people was - Right.
- extraordinary, honestly.
Yes, I was only I thought that I had I was gonna be doing People Magazine.
- Oh! - 'Cause I don't know what - we the people is.
- And be on the cover with Kim Kardashian and North West, right? - Well, I don't know.
- It's baby steps, okay? - Okay.
- Let's not jump - into that pool yet.
- All right.
So, anyway, I have a few more things that we'll go over, as they start to come into fruition.
I think that we have lost the game show network piece.
- Oh.
- But we're looking into other online magazines and other online shows - that we can find.
- Oh, okay.
And then we'll hit for the big ones, then we'll call up Barbara Walters, you know? - Right, yes.
- So, the TV guide channel has a wonderful forum for you.
Direct TV, channel 101 - Yeah.
- Sometimes you see it, - and it's just blue? - Right.
But they actually do have programming on there, from about 3:00 to about 6:00 in the morning.
- Oh, that's wonderful.
- We are getting there.
Yeah no, I think so.
I think I really garnered some support.
For sure.
You just need to keep on doing what you've been doing.
Right, yes.
Right, just coming on very downtrodden - Right.
- and and sympathetic - Yes.
- and not talking too much and and not lying.
I think I have another sympathy angle - Okay.
- 'Cause I had a bag of things that were that was stolen.
So can we use that? I had my pearl-handled hairbrush - What? - My toothbrush.
It was sort of like a vanity bag, you know, - that I - Oh, oh.
I probably misplaced it, but should we say it was stolen? Does that help my cause? So it's not a good idea.
No yes, we'll get it back.
Don't you worry.
- Oh, good.
- Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about something very exciting.
- Okay.
- Are you sitting down? - I'm kidding.
I know you are.
- I'm just tall, but, yeah.
Anyway, I got a call from Google The Google, and they are interested - In purchasing web therapy.
- Oh, my Okay? So this is big news.
Is that possibly really true? That's been my dream, maybe you know.
Well, I can't say that it is, and I can't say that it's not, but you're welcome.
Oh.
Apropos to nothing.
- Oh! - Yes! Isn't that wonderful? - This is it.
- But here's the problem.
Oh.
They need us to get together with your mother and discuss net therapy, because Google is a little nervous that she will try to sue, because you possibly stole the idea from her, so No, and I did not steal the idea.
No, no I understand that you did not.
I can see why they'd be nervous, because Well, they're very nervous, and they're a very big company, and they have a lot to lose.
So, in order for us to keep this deal, which will make you millions of dollars, okay? - Yes, tens of millions, - Well - If not more.
- Well, a couple, for sure Before taxes, but you need to get us all together in a room.
Um, it's really very important, okay? Yeah, that's that's the tricky part, 'cause I don't see that happening.
- Why? - No, you don't understand.
She was a horrible mother my entire life.
Aw.
Did she get you the wrong color pony? No, it was the right color.
She had a good eye, - but, no, the pony bit me.
- Aw.
And then my mother said, "oh, Fiona, why do you keep provoking it?" Oh, well, try having a pet spider not very cuddly and really difficult to ride.
But the truth is, you weren't raised by her, - so you don't know - No.
- that she's a nightmare.
- No, I was raised by a drunk.
Right, well, I think maybe I would have been better off.
How's that? Because Okay, I actually, this has to happen.
I must get in the room with her so that we can discuss this Google deal, or else the Google deal will go away.
Are you listening to me, Fiona? I am listening to you, but I don't think you're - Okay, no, you really need - listening to me.
- Can I just have her number? - She's a nightmare.
May I just have her private number? - I'd rather not.
- Because maybe if I just talk to her myself Fiona, you need to understand the severity of the situation.
I must get in a room with her.
No, you can't because I must get in a room with your mother! The minute she knows that it's for me, - she's not going to help.
- Okay, she's not your mother! - Hmm? - She's not your mother.
Would that it were true, but I was born at St.
Vincent's.
- Right.
- You were born at St.
Vincent's the same day, the same hour, and believe it or not, - the same year.
- Oh.
Now, that night, apparently the head of the pediatric nursing was taking a great deal of morphine, and she was switching babies all over the place.
You're hysterical, so maybe you don't know what you're saying.
No, no, no, no.
Listen to me.
You know that bag of your things? - The yes.
- Your toothbrush, - right.
- Your hairbrush - Yes.
- Your band-aid - Oh.
- Your chewing gum Your dress shields, your q-tips - Oh, you really looked - your spanx, your night guard? - I need that.
- Do you recall that vial of blood I had taken from you? Right, I wasn't sure why.
I've sent them off to get the DNA - checked on those.
- But don't you also need and when that comes back My mother Putsy Hodge's DNA? I followed her for three weeks.
Man, that woman does not throw anything out.
But finally, she threw out a cup from Starbucks.
- Oh.
- Sent it in.
So tomorrow an envelope is going to be arriving at my home at 10:30 in the morning, at which point you and your mother and I are going to be together when I open up that envelope and find out that I am Putsy Hodge's daughter.
- You're Jenny Hodge.
- I'm Jenny Hodge.
And I'm Fiona Bologna.
- Oh, hello, mother.
- Hello, Fiona.
- Thank you for calling in.
- It's 10:25.
That's the time I was to call to find out what was so important about Kip.
Oh, yes, I are you wearing a shoe on your head? Oh, my dear, it's a hat.
It's a chapeau.
Oh.
A shoe-peau.
I don't get it.
Well, 'cause instead of chapeau, because it's a shoe, it's a shoe-pea - You see? - I still do not get it.
Okay.
Well, I wanted to let you know that Kip's wife has a very lucrative offer on the table from Google to purchase web therapy.
Isn't that wonderful for him? So, in order for that to happen for him, I'm going to need you to sign a waiver, saying that it's okay and that I didn't um, steal the idea from you.
I have to I'll have to think this over, Fiona.
I will have to give it deep and consistent thought.
Mother, I didn't steal net therapy, okay? I was doing web therapy first, and you remember, you asked, "how much do you charge?" You had Jerome help you set it up, because he had already helped me with web therapy.
What can I do for you, Fiona? Tell me what it is that you want from me.
I well, I did I told you, I need you to sign a waiver I mean, besides the Google business.
But that's all.
That's really what I need.
I'm gonna have you know, I don't know if you've noticed, but then NSA brouhaha has lessened.
- Yes.
- You know, and that's to the credit of that fixer who's working with me now.
She's the one responsible for quelling the horrible scandal, you know, encompassing me with the NSA.
And she's helping you to the end of helping Kip? Well, of course it helps Kip, doesn't it? If I become, you know my scandal goes away, - doesn't that help Kip? - Well, that is - that's engaging.
- It is.
Her name is, uh Jenny Bologna.
- Ah, Jenny Bologna.
- And, um, there's something else to her you should know.
She believes that she's your daughter.
She believes she's my daughter? We were switched at birth, which is absurd, - but let's humor her - Well, perhaps not.
Perhaps not, Fiona.
Well, perhaps of course it's absurd.
- She's can't - I've always felt an uneasiness in my breast when I held you as a child.
Right, but maybe that's just your hard-wiring.
Maybe this is the answer to my prayers.
Well, let's see, all right? Because she's stolen fluids from both of us, it seems, and she's run a DNA test.
But let's humor her anyway, because we need her help, right? For Kip and for me.
Oh, here she is.
I'm gonna add her.
- Hello, Jenny.
- Oh, hello, Fiona.
So, as you know, this is Putsy Hodge.
- Yes, I do.
- Jenny, Jenny.
- Hi.
- Hello, Jenny, hello, Jenny.
- I love you.
- So nice to meet you.
- Already? - I can't believe I'm I'm looking right it's like looking into a mirror.
You are just so elegant and so wonderful and so intelligent.
It really is just like looking right into myself.
- Yes.
- Wow! I'm It's just like seeing my reflection.
As opposed to a mirror? All right, should we should we get on with it? Oh, do you have the test results? Oh, there, they were fedexed to her.
- All right, I'm shaking.
- I'm so excited.
I've known my whole life.
I've known.
I've known.
I've known.
"Dear Jenny Bologna" Is it what I think it is? Jenny, Jenny, Jenny.
- "Sample 'a' - Is it what I think? "Is a match to sample 'c.
' sample 'b' is not a match to sample 'c.
'" - am I who am I? - This is - Yes, yes! - You're "b"! You're "b"! I'm "b.
" I'm not the - Thank the heavenly mother.
- You're "b," I'm "a"! - You're "b"! - Could you mail a copy to - not I trust you, but - Oh, mama.
I've waited my whole life for this moment.
- I mean, I just - My darling girl.
My darling girl, you can rest easy now.
- You're a Hodge.
- I'm free.
Oh, my gosh, I am just absolutely delighted and over the moon.
You are one of the most engaging young women Oh, thank you.
I've had the pleasure of meeting.
You just met.
You know, it's it's funny, my natural hair color is red.
And I'd prove it to you right now, but I shave that completely bald down there, but it's the truth.
- Well, I did too.
- Oh, Fiona.
But Jenny, Jenny, how did this happen? Well, from what I can piece together, apparently you were very rude to one of the nurses there, and they took away your beautiful baby, and they gave you an ugly one.
Well, I wasn't such an ugly baby Let me tell you, Jenny, what I think happened.
I went the first day when my baby was born.
I picked her up, and it was a feeling of joy, a feeling of completion.
And then I went to pick her up the next day, and she looked weird to me.
She looked maniacal, somehow.
And I felt the milk in my bosom drying up.
- And I know now what that was.
- Yes, that's exact I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that, mommy.
I'm saddened for Fiona, aren't you? - Oh.
- But I'm happy for us.
- Very much so.
- And, Fiona, this is kind of - good news for you and me.
- Yes? Well, it explains why I've hated you all these years.
And it's so much better to hate a stranger than to hate your own daughter, wouldn't you agree, Jenny? Oh, I absolutely.
I absolutely agree.
But wait.
Can I just add what about, Jenny, the Google deal, you know, the multimillion-dollar oh, they sent me those papers a week ago.
I've just been sitting on them - until this moment.
- Oh.
I'll send them off to you tomorrow.
Okay.
I cannot wait to see you, my dear.
- Me too.
- How will I recognize you? But you can you see me now.
- I won't be much different, but - Yes.
I might be wearing my shoe-pea Oh, that's so delightful.
It just came off the top of my head! I'm so glad that my sense of humor will live on - in the next generation.
- Yes.
All right, see you tomorrow.
I'll pick you up at the airport.
Bye-bye, darling.
- Bye-bye.
- Good-bye? Well, she's really not my mother? She's really not my mother.
Oh.
Oh, it's a message from Austen.
Fiona, darling, I'm calling from my Nairobi hotel.
Great news I was drilling in my african village, and we struck oil mixed with diamonds.
- What? - I'm rich again.
I'm coming back to get you.
Please tell me that you still love me.
I love you.
I'll be in Philadelphia tomorrow.
Much love till then, my dearest, dearest Fiona.
Okay.
Oh, this day! I can practice again too.
Look at all of these piling up that want to see me.
It's been so many weeks.
I hope I remember how to do it.
I should practice.
Hello, I'm Dr.
Fiona Wallice.
How can you help me? How can I help you? I should get that down.
Hello, I'm Dr.
Fiona Wallice.
How can you Hello, I'm Dr.
Fiona Wallice.
What can you do for me? No Shoot.
Hello, I'm Dr.
Fiona Wallice.
I'm here for you.
I don't buy it.
Hello, I'm Dr.
Fiona Wallice.
How can I help you? I went to pick up my baby for the first time, this newborn little toddler No.
That's a tough delivery.
I need to sit down with your mother, Putsy.
That's not her name.
- What's her name? - Yeah, that is, Putsy.
- That was it.
That was good.
- Okay, got it.
All right, here we go, sorry.
There is one caveat.
I-I need to sit down with your mother, Puttsy.
- And we need - No, it's Putsy.
You said "Puttsy" this time.
Oh, my God, we're doing this now? Well, I don't know, because I don't think I don't think we are.
- Okay.
- We don't have to! - No, we're gonna do it.
- What do you want to do? - I want to go take - what show do you want to do? I want to go lay down.