Workaholics s04e12 Episode Script

Okay, flank.
Get around, go flank left.
Are you [Bleep.]
ready to die? - Okay.
- No, no, no, no.
- You're gonna die, okay? - Yeah.
And please, stop calling us the [Bleep.]
word, all right? It's horrible.
It's a hateful word.
Shut up, [Bleep.]
.
- [Grunts angrily.]
- Oh, good one.
Good comeback, "shut up.
" Who even says [Bleep.]
anymore? That's not even a word that people say.
My grandfather says that, and my And my grandma still says it, and my aunts, and a few of my uncles, but not the gay ones.
Hey, you guys seen the packing tape? I'm trying to send this box of dry-ice-packed California avocados all the way to Sweden.
I got a big-titted pen pal named Anika.
- I'm trying to impress her.
- Very cool.
Big titties, love those.
But you're kind of in the way, and we got Deputy Dong cornered.
You have him cornered? Okay, that's impossible - because he's way too good.
- You're dead, man.
I won't even log on if the guy's playing.
Always calling me [Bleep.]
and stuff.
That's you, this is us.
We don't quit.
Yeah, we're not quitters.
And also, don't play under my profile - Turn around, [Bleep.]
.
- Look out, look out! Wait [Both shout.]
Ders, you frickin' idiot.
You I'm dead We're dead now okay.
This is some B.
S.
frickin' idiot.
Frickin' got Gave me all of his bad juju.
You know what? Fug his Californiacadoes.
Yeah, sorry.
Sorry.
This is gonna get all fermented and disgusting.
Actually, that looks pretty good.
Hopefully, Anika likes that.
Yeah, I hope Anika likes that.
You wanna play again, or are you [Bleep.]
tired of my dong in your [Bleep.]
? There you go again with the word, with the [Bleep.]
word.
I have to say, though, he is hurting my feelings.
Hey, Deputy Dong.
How about you take your dick and you put it, uh Like some meats in there? Meats and cheeses down the Down the d-hole? And then, all You're in the wilderness, and a ton of squirrels - Uh-huh.
- [Sniffing.]
- Well, get to it.
- And now they're [Mimics gnawing.]
They're they're munching Ouchie, yeah.
- Ders! - Yo.
Hey, we need your help with this thing real quick.
What? Oh, is he calling you guys [Bleep.]
again? - Yes, he is.
- Well, guess what, buddy? D-dong, your mom is so fat [Loud explosion.]
Oh.
How fat is she? Dude, I don't think you understand.
The blender, it has 15 speeds, okay? You can you can make a hamburger shake.
You can make a pizza shake.
- So it just exploded? - Yeah.
On its own? You didn't do anything to it? That was the crazy part.
It was, like, avocados mixed with dry ice.
It's just combustible.
It's like a scientific fact.
- Ooh! - Hey, look.
I'm just trying to do my job here.
You don't have to call me a fa Oh, hold, please.
- Guys.
- What's up, Blake? It's Deputy Dong.
- It's him, it's Deputy Dong.
- That's Deputy Dong? - On the phone? - Yeah, man, I was like No, sir, I'm not calling you Deputy Dong.
Yeah, I was, like, I thought it sounded familiar, but then, once he dropped the [Bleep.]
bomb, - I'm like, "it's him.
" - [Laughs.]
Okay, uh, you gotta, like, keep him on the line, right? And then, we got to, like, trace the call.
- Yeah.
- Figure out his address, right? Can we do that? Uh, hey.
Thanks for holding.
Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Disguise your voice.
Uh uh, hello.
This is the the supervisor.
You sound like Black Grover.
You're gonna want the The blender that has 15 Do you know how many speeds 15 What does that mean? I don't know what that means.
No, please don't hang Don't hang up.
I lost him.
Damn it, man, I lost him.
You guys were distracting me, man No, I was doing this, I don't know - why you didn't continue - What does that mean? Stretching Stretching it all out, stretching the time, time stretcher.
I thought for sure you were saying, you know, "let's get Philly cheese steaks for lunch.
" A Philly cheese steak, like, idea for lunch would be like - [Mimics squirting.]
- Sure.
Ooh, got a little somethin'.
Got a little somethin'.
So you aren't hungry for Philly cheese steaks.
Well, God now my day really sucks.
No, no, no, no, no.
Look, client info.
Look, his address is right there.
- Oh, yeah.
- We had it the whole time.
Oh, my gosh, we know where he lives.
I say we go to this dude's house and bring the game to him using violence, dude.
Just [Mimics automatic gunfire.]
[Mimics guns firing.]
[Mimics shotgun blast.]
Aah! - Oh, real guns? - We won't use guns, but a lot of word bullets.
Let's go there, kick down his door, delete his account, you know? That way, he can't play anymore.
We'll have Sniper Shot: Munich all to ourselves, along with everybody else who plays.
Oh, my gosh, that would shatter Deputy Dong's world.
- That game is, like, his life.
- Right, it's, like, sad.
We should do it and show him what happens when you get us really frickin' pissed.
[Laughter.]
Totally Oh, dude And the best news of all: It's not even that far away.
Flip this linguistic pimp [Bleep.]
- Hey! - Whoa.
Whoo! Hey, wow.
That didn't take long.
[Yawns.]
No, it did not.
Just nine hours, boys.
Welcome to Arizona.
[Laughs.]
All right.
Who wants a breakfast beer? I got some extremely cold ones on dry ice back here.
Not me.
Got my java.
I'm on my ninth one right now? So I'm going pretty good, man.
I feel like I just flew a red-eye, but I feel good.
What the frick, dude.
The house is right here, man.
We're good, we're good Yeah, but park it down the street, that's like one of the first rules of Okay, everybody turn to channel nine in case we were to get separated.
Yep, copy that.
Roger Blake's "copy that.
" Okay, copy Der's and Blake's "copy that.
" Okay, well, stop copying me, dude.
- Whoo! - I said it.
Deputy Dong! Open up, you bitch ass! Hey, hey, hey! This ain't a game anymore! Come on, man.
We know you're in there.
We can hear your bitch-ass music.
He's being a bitch ass.
All right, I got an idea.
I'm gonna go check around back.
I have an idea too, and it's - Check in the back, Roger.
- It's in the front.
Sorry.
[Suspenseful orchestration.]
Maybe if we mix dry ice with some be avocados - Okay.
- Maybe we can create another Wait, you can't touch it with your bare hands.
- What are you doing? - Oh, why is it sticking to me? Oh, it's sticking to me.
Oh oh! - Oh, it's so hot! - Hang on, hang on.
It's so hot.
Why is ice hot? - It's supposed to be cold! - Here, let me help you.
- Let me help you.
- No, I'm gonna break it - on my head.
- What? No.
- [Screams.]
- What are you Hang on.
My hot coffee, my hot coffee.
I'm gonna melt it.
I'm gonna melt it.
Ready? - Oh.
Ow.
- Hey, it worked.
[Screams.]
The coffee's burning my eyes.
- Shoot, sorry.
- Ow, God.
Oh, my God.
Is he okay? I was burned by ice, and then I was burned by coffee.
It hurts.
It hurts so bad.
- Is it him? - Am I who? No.
Stop.
What is a bundle of sticks? Shh, stop it.
What do you consider a bundle of sticks? Stop it, stop Oh, we got cops.
We got cops.
There's a cop.
Ho, ho.
There was this whole thing, dad.
I mean, it was it was insane.
Hey, you missed - like this whole ordeal.
- What are you doing outside? Come on, get inside.
The neighbors are gonna see you.
Come on, inside.
- Deputy Dong, that's him.
- Dude, he's a cop? No wonder he's so good at the game.
- Now I get it.
- It's a funny name.
I thought it was just, like, about well, anyway.
This is Black Ops Agent Dreble to Black Ops Agent Uncle Blazer.
What is your location, Uncle Blazer? No, uh, actually, I'm going by "Chamilitary Man.
" Yeah, as in Chamillionaire's rap group.
You remember him, right? You gotta get out of there, dude.
He's a cop.
He's there.
And there was all this loud commotion outside.
Oh, poop And pee mixed together.
- So I went to go see - I don't care, Nate.
I just buried one of my best friends on the force.
I'm not in the mood for your drama.
- God, dad, I'm sorry.
- Okay, just shut up.
Turn off this crap music and put out the bourbon.
I got half the force coming over here.
Oh, my God.
Black Ops Agent Blue Blazer.
The place is crawling with Popozaos.
Popozaos everywhere.
Over.
[Electronic music.]
Guys.
I'm trapped in the closet.
You gotta get me outta here fast.
Okay, well, plans are hard to think of, so it might take us a minute.
- [Screams.]
- [Screams.]
Ah! Ah! Stop, you little Ow, you bitch! Away from the door! Away from the door! Ow, ow! Dude, I'm not here to hurt you.
I'm just here to erase Deputy Dong's a-account, okay? [Cries.]
Ah Ah, my roots.
- Delete my dad's account? - [Exhales.]
That would destroy him.
Yeah, I'm in.
- You are? - Oh, completely.
He made me drop out of design school because he didn't like the "offensive photos" on my Instagram account, but I know it's really because he doesn't like my lifestyle.
Your lifestyle.
Sure, sure.
Not to mention he's constantly throwing around that hate speech 24/7 with all his friends on that stupid gaming system.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, the guy likes to throw the [Bleep.]
word around.
Well, I know where he keeps the stupid Nintendo.
Okay, it's not a Nintendo, actually.
And Nintendos aren't stupid.
They're actually one of the flawless machines of our generation.
Okay, I think we need to figure out which closet Blake's trapped in - Right.
- And then tunnel.
I've already started right here.
But, you know, the more I think about it, the more that that's a horrible plan 'cause that might take too long.
- Damn it.
- Yeah, nice.
- Change of plans.
- Nice imagination, though.
Yeah.
What? I'm a child at heart.
Hey who is this? It's your best friend Blake.
I don't know a Blake.
I know a Black Ops Blue Blazer.
- Is this him? - No.
Actually, I changed my name.
You know that.
- It's Chamilitary Man.
- Chamilitary Man is a horrible name, so we're going by Blue Blazer.
Go ahead.
We'll accept the charges.
Over.
Change of plans, all right? I got a man-boy here on the inside helping me with the mission, okay? This place is crawling with cops, guys.
I'm serious.
There's tons of 'em in here.
So I just need you to buy me some time, and then we'll get this mission accomplished.
All right? Over and out.
- That's an order.
- Okay.
And we will buy you time with the cops, - now over and out.
- Over and out.
Okay, over it was over and out when I said it.
- Can I comb your hair? - Over and out.
What? Blake, stop encouraging him.
Okay, just let him do it.
I am letting him do it.
Over and out.
- Over and out.
- Roger that.
- That was Blake.
- I know, I know.
I got an idea.
I got an idea.
Look, we're gonna go up there.
We're gonna say we're exterminators, right? 'Cause we look the part.
So what's, like, a local animal? Like a a vulture! A vulture flew in a window around the back of the house.
We saw it.
We're here to kill it.
- Dude, that is smart.
- Thank you.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, we're like We're like vulture exterminators.
- Yes, exactly.
- That's really smart.
- That's a really good idea.
- I appreciate you Also, I think I have a better one.
Yeah, hi.
We are Black Ops.
I am Secret Special Agent Demamp, and this is The exterminator.
And we're here for the party.
So you guys knew Ramirez, huh? - Were you at the wake, or - Yes.
We we were at the wake big-time, and we know Ramirez from police academy.
Oh, yeah, a lot of us went there too.
- I don't recognize you guys.
- And I don't recognize you from the Black Ops academy that we know Ramirez from.
Yeah, I never heard of that.
Well, then I guess we're doing our job.
- [Both laugh.]
- It's a secret.
It's a secret sect.
It's like It's like skull and bones and also other secret Illuminati.
The ya-ya sisterhood.
We carry guns instead of traveling pants.
Yeah.
I can't believe that dickhead's dead.
- What? - Dickhead? [Laughs.]
You guys really did know Ramirez.
- Yeah.
- [Laughs.]
- Yeah.
- Come on in.
- Yeah.
- Ramirez.
- What a dickhead.
- Total dickhead, man.
You forget how much of a dickhead he is.
Ramirez, the old bitch.
- The old dickhead.
- Yes.
He's definitely more of a dickhead - than a bitch.
- Guys, what's your status? - So let me let's - Yeah, we should take it.
It's probably Ugh the chief.
Hey, yeah, come on.
Come on.
Hey.
[Overlapping chatter.]
All right, all right, all right.
- What's up, dude? - Right on, right on, right on.
Guys, fellas, this is my dog, Nate dog, and, well, he's gonna help us get to Deputy Dong's console.
I [Bleep.]
hate that thing.
- Yeah, okay.
- Oh, all right.
Yeah.
It's cool.
It's cool.
And we understand, and we get it, and it's cool to be who you are as a person.
- And I've seen Milk.
- Yep.
- So - What are you talking about? We just need you guys to kind of make a little scene in here, right? And so we can kind of sneak into the man cave.
Hey, I'm gonna hit the head.
Grab me a beer.
Uh, um Shut it, shut it, shut it, shut it.
- Whoa.
- Jesus, dad.
Don't you knock or something? What if I'd been pinching a loaf? Damn it, Nate.
Lock the door then.
And what the hell are you doing in here? Just shaving my pubes into a flame design.
Jesus, never mind.
I'll go piss in the yard.
They look good.
- Dude, that was amazing.
- Oh, my God.
How'd you just come up with that on the fly? Oh, no, that's something I actually do.
Flame on, bitches.
- Okay, wow.
- What? - No.
- What are you doing? Yeah! You're packing heat.
- That's what that is.
- Thanks, man.
- Come here, give me some skin.
- Hell yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- Dude, pube art is Is, like, back in a big way.
So I am gonna sew these pants together, and then we'll both be wearing them at the same time.
- Huh? - And then you're gonna bend over in front of me and hide in the clothes basket.
We'll put all the clothes on top of you.
I bend over? Is that a hard concept, Mr.
Cha-military man? It's actually Chamilitary Man.
Cha Chamillionaire.
He was, like, huge, wasn't he? I'm sorry.
Do I look like I care? - Really? - Do you have a better idea? Come on.
Let's do it.
- Now? - Well, for a fitting.
- All right, see if it fits.
- Make sure everything's tight.
Make sure it's tight and fit, sure.
Sure, we're talking about the pants, right? Excuse us, gents.
- Clink, clink, clink, clink - Listen up in the back.
We would like to honor Ramirez's fallen soul with a traditional Irish cop drinkin' song.
- Hey, how 'bout it? - Uh, Ramirez was not Irish.
He was not Irish, but he was a traditional guy.
Every we used to get the shamrock shakes with him every year, right? And traditionally, cops are Irish.
Let's just sing the song.
Mm-kay.
LA, LA, LA, LA [scats.]
When Irish cops arrest ya you better run and hide but don't run from cops but if you do, we'll beat your behind but within the restrictions of the law and we will always remember you, Ramirez you had a big old [Bleep.]
and if a girlie sucked it it would probably make her sick but let's always remember that Ramirez was a proud, strong warrior, and that's it who had a big old dick and he's probably in heaven making all the angels suck on his [Bleep.]
but once again, the one thing to remember about the dude was that he arrested people and he was a cop Okay, now we gotta go right.
My my right.
No, that's that's straight.
- Where where is it? - [Groans.]
Okay, keep keep It's straight.
- There, we're good.
- Oh, there, there, there.
There it is, okay.
[Sighs.]
Great disguise, man.
That's great.
Okay, let's get to it.
Oh, yeah.
[Laughs.]
Can I talk to you about something? Huh? What, right now? Yeah, I-I just You know, I think my dad hangs out in here and plays video games all day because he doesn't quite know how to talk to me, you know? Because I'm so different? Sure, I mean, I'm different too.
I mean, not Not the way you're different, - but in my own way.
- There's stuff in your hair.
Yeah, it's okay.
I got it, I'll handle it.
I got it.
Yeah.
I'm kind of like sorry.
I'm a little anal about that.
Not anal, but just I get upset when people touch my hair.
- Mm.
- You know what? Let's just get back to sabotaging, okay? Wait, wait, wait, no, no, tell me how you're different.
Okay, you know what? Let's I don't know if now is the time for the discussion part, okay? Just let me out! Just let me out.
I don't want to fart on you or anything, so I think my dad, you know, he he just doesn't understand me.
I'm afraid he doesn't love me.
I'm sure your dad loves you, dude.
And, hey, he's gonna love you even more once we delete this gaming account, all right? He'll have nothing to do but hang out with you, so come on, let's do this.
Get that out of your head, you dork.
Your dad loves you.
Thanks, Agent Chamilitary Man.
Yes, you're welcome, and I don't really like that name anymore.
I'm not gonna use it.
Oh, I was just getting used to it.
I want something more manly.
Thinking with this getup here, maybe commander of s.
W.
A.
T.
Titties? Both: Ramirez Salud.
Salud.
- R.
I.
P.
- That was a really bad song.
- Don't do that anymore.
- Okay.
All right, listen up, everybody.
I got a 12-year-old bottle of scotch in my man cave I've been saving for a special occasion.
What do you say? Huh? Wait a minute, there's more verses.
Ramirez liked to kill bad guys by hittin' them in the head with a tire iron And if we could just find where to turn What the hell's going on here? Uh, I'm the maid.
Your I'm your new maid.
Who's this guy? Oh, my God.
It's a gang member! This is the the The freaking gangbanger - that killed Ramirez - Oh, yeah.
He and his whole clique of freakin' longhairs.
He probably showed up here to watch us grieve, you sick [Bleep.]
.
What you might not realize is we are Black Ops.
This was our operation.
We came here to get him.
- Yep, undercover.
- So we're gonna take this perp to HQ, probably waterboard him, I don't know.
- Both: We'll take it from here.
- Yeah.
No, no, no, hold on.
You're not going anywhere.
If you're gonna torture this cop killer, - I'd like to see it.
- Uh, do you have a board that we can pour some water on? - That's one of the first steps.
- Yeah.
That's not what waterboarding is.
Well, how would you know? Are you Black Ops? - Am I Black Ops? - Found a board, found a board.
So we can do it ourselves.
[Overlapping shouting.]
Right here, you freakin' idiot.
We're gonna pour some water on that board now.
- Yeah.
- All right, yeah.
But don't get my walkie-talkie wet, seriously.
- Oh, I'm gonna freakin' - Fully stocked.
Can I take my walkie-talkie off, damn it? You're consider yourself waterboarded.
- Yeah.
- Whoo, whoo.
Whoo.
Who do you work for? Now, what the [Bleep.]
is going on here? You guys are all dressed alike.
You obviously know each other.
Ramirez died of a heart attack in his house.
Uh, I see what you did.
You strung us along.
We are dressed alike.
I-I actually forgot about that.
The thing is this: We know who you are because we play video games with you online Sniper Shot: Munich And you call us [bleep.]
all day.
We don't appreciate it.
So we're here to tell you to your face.
Yeah, we thought we were just gonna come here and just frickin' stomp on a fool.
And then, it was a cop, and we I got to sing for you guys, which was fun, but yep.
And sir, we just need you to know that your hateful, hurtful [Bleep.]
-bombs aren't just hurting us, all right? They're hurting your boy Nate as well.
And he's got something he wants to say to you.
Go ahead, young man.
Dad, I hate it when you play video games so much.
I feel like you ignore me, and you love yelling at people and playing games more than you love me.
- And? - And Tell 'em who you are in your heart.
- What do you mean? - Deep up in your butt, - who are you? - It gets better.
- What gets better what? - You can tell 'em.
Tell 'em you're a little gay dude.
- What? - What? Oh no, no, no, no, no.
I'm not gay.
Okay, whoa, 'cause my gaydar was going [Flaps lips.]
And let me remind you that you flashed - your pube-flame at us.
- But so did he.
- Does that mean he's gay? - No, it doesn't make me I'm constantly showing these guys my pubes.
I have a whole design situation down here.
I also trim my inner thigh hairs.
And also, my butthole hairs have a certain pizzazz.
It's a hetero thing in my case.
Okay, well, I'm not gay either, no.
The whole reason that I got into fashion in the first place was so women would take their clothes off around me.
- So many titties.
- You're serious? - I have a girlfriend.
- Yeah, she's hot.
I caught him boning in his room the other day, and I just watched, just for a second.
He was really giving it to her, like his old man, you know? Definitely weird.
Please stop talking about that.
What is going on between you guys? What's what is the beef? [Sighs.]
Nate.
I'm a cop, and I got a son who spends all his time on a sewing machine.
Remember when we used to play street hockey all the time? You were such a gifted goalie.
Okay, how 'bout this? How about I cut back on the sewing, you cut back on the video games, and, you know, we could go to a coyotes game - like we used to? - Come on.
Oh, my God.
- Well, look at these guys.
- My boy.
- You're welcome.
- Oh, wow.
What do we do about these [Bleep.]
? Let's do something to honor Ramirez.
Let's mace 'em.
[All screaming.]
Get the little one in the mouth.
[Sighs.]
Okay.
What do you say we just play a nice, relaxing game? None of this shoot-'em-up violent stuff.
Yes, exact 'Cause that's what's making them so mean, the violence, right? Let's just play a nice, civilized game of tennis.
- I love that.
- Yes.
Doubles, everyone? [Both laugh.]
Get to it.
Get to it.
- Yep, top spin, baby.
- Nice.
Nice.
I like the fun hat you put on your guy.
- Thanks, man.
- Yeah.
- Nice, nice, nice.
- Get it smash it.
- [Groans.]
- Ha-ha! Set point, you [Bleep.]
.
Okay.
Okay.
- Wow.
- Where do you live?