Xena: Warrior Princess s04e12 Episode Script

I hate that.
It's late.
Gabrielle? Gabrielle? The one morning I ask you to wake me up for a change.
Just when I get Zantar right where I want him, I go and oversleep.
Well, thank you very much! Rope Rope Tomorrow we head east, to Lumeria.
They had a big harvest this year.
So they'll be loaded with extra cash.
-Good to have ya back, bro.
-Yeah! Pickin' up right from where ya left off.
Only this time I'll be smart.
No way I'm going back to that stinkin' jail.
Oh, she's good.
Gabrielle, what's goin' on? I woke up I took a bath I know I put my shirt on that tree.
It's just gone.
It doesn't make any sense, unless an animal took it.
You know, a fashionable beaver, or Or Oh, you didn't.
Gabrielle I was in a hurry.
We ran out of rope.
You stole my favorite shirt? It's the only shirt that goes with this skirt, Xena.
You used it to tie up that smelly warlord That's your excuse? You ran out of rope? The good news is you found somethin' else to wear.
It's a sack! How come you let Joxer sleep in so late? I was topless.
Abandon ship! We're goin' down! Good morning.
Hi, Gabrielle.
New outfit? Looks good.
Shut up! What'd I say? Just get going.
All right.
-I'm telling you, brown is not my color.
-I kinda like it.
It's got that rustic appeal.
Suitable for you, right? Come on.
Now, look what you've done! You monster! I told you never to play with the bottle marked "passion".
It's totally explosive stuff! Aphrodite, what's going on? Xena? What are you doing here? Xena! Alesia? Please, you have to save me from my evil fairy godsmother.
Your evil fairy godsmother? Who's that? Her.
Moi? In the time of ancient gods, warlords and kings a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena.
A mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.
The power The passion The danger Her courage will change the world.
XENA, THE WARRIOR PRINCESS Let's hear it, Aphrodite.
What's all this about? The little rugrat wandered in yesterday and said something about her dad and her wicked stepmom.
So you know me.
I was just trying to help.
Then she became like totally bizarro! -And now she's calling me -My evil fairy godsmother.
That's it! As if! Dear child, do these features look evil? Do you mean the fairy godsmother from the fairy tale? This child's name is Alesia.
Princess Alesia of Cyra.
Her father and I have been friends for years.
Alesia, how did you get here? Did you run away from home? Daddy got married.
I don't like my stepmother.
So I came to find my fairy godsmother.
Well, I think your father would be very worried.
Maybe we can take you home.
I'm sure we can work this out.
Then you'll be my fairy godsmother? -Just for a little while.
-Great! Get rid of her.
She obviously doesn't know a good thing when she sees it.
Come on, Alesia.
Out of the way! I think we oughtta take you home.
-You all right? -Fine.
Move it out, Goliath.
At your own pace.
-Did you find her? -No, not yet.
-You're not giving up, are you? -No.
No, I'm going back out there with all my men to keep searching for her.
-You'll find her.
I know you will.
-I pray to the gods we do.
Darling, she means everything in the world to me.
Don't blame yourself.
It's not your fault.
It's not you she hates.
It's me.
I better go and scout ahead.
I'll do it.
Alesia -Why'd you run away? -I hate my new stepmother.
I wanna get rid of her so things can be the way they used to be.
I thought Aphrodite could help, but she couldn't.
-Well, maybe I can help.
-Really? Ok, but don't hurt her too bad.
That's not what I had in mind.
Listen, I was in your shoes too, once.
I had a stepfather and I never got to know him.
Now, I think that was a terrible mistake.
-Gabrielle, are you all right? -Fine.
What's this about a stepfather? You never told me that.
-Yes, I did.
Didn't I? -No.
Well, it's not important.
I'm trying to help Alesia.
What, and I'm not? Xena, who just climbed that tree looking for Zantar's men? -So what did ya see? -They're right behind us.
All right, I'm gonna double back there and take care of 'em.
Alesia, I'll be back.
Stay here with Gabrielle.
She's gonna tell you a story.
-I will? -Yes, you will.
You're good at them.
-Ok.
-I hope it has a happy ending.
A happy ending, huh? All right Once when Once upon a time there was a sweet, very young girl named Tyrella.
She was happy even though she lived with her wicked stepmother.
The meanest crankiest most horrid woman alive.
Pelia! Come here, sweetie.
Mommy! Look what my stupid stepsister did! She ruined my Calvinius Kleinius! Tyrella! Yes, dear stepmother.
There's a crease in Pelia's dress.
Aren't you forgetting something? I swept the floor, washed the dishes, cleaned the attic, weeded the garden, I dug you a new well -I've been terribly busy.
-Well, get over it.
You've neglected your most important duty.
-What could that possibly be? -My clippings! Joxer! Calm down.
But that foot! What are you trying to do? Scare the kid half to death? What is it, honey? It's only a story, Joxer.
Oh, my little pookie's slipper Admit it.
You miss the little monster.
As if! What's there to miss? The noise? The crying? The fairy godsmother rap? She did have potential.
Fess up, girlfriend.
You're suffering from empty nest syndrome.
Your little boy, Cupid, is all grown up and now you're lonely.
-She was kinda cute, wasn't she? -No duh Your problem is, you didn't play the mommy gig long enough, you know? You mean like stories and cuddles and that kinda stuff? I could do that.
-You think I could do that? -Totally.
She could be your personal mascot.
The demigoddess of puppy love.
Tubular! I am such a visionary! I wantcha to head for the river.
Make sure they see you.
I can see the hoofprints! Hurry, over here.
They went this way.
Come on! -Yeah.
-We'll see how tough Xena is.
Tyrella's stepmother reached out with her long, grotesque Wait! I know what happens next.
Tyrella takes the clippings and stabs her evil stepmother.
Over and over and over and over again.
No, no.
Tyrella deals with her problems in a more postive way.
Mommy! My stupid stepsister's ruined everything! Tyrella! -Yes, stepmother, dear.
-Can't you do anything right? There is nothing wrong with the dress.
You anger is misplaced.
It's a convenient way to avoid your deeeper emotions.
The same way that your mistreatment of me and my belongings is your way to avoid intimacy.
You both need to get in touch with your inner child.
You gettin' any of this? What a riot! And I suppose you could do better.
Puhleeze! You didn't know your auntie Aphrodite can tell stories, didja? Well, I make 'em sizzle.
Ok, here's what really happens.
Time for a breather.
But if ya can't take the heat, boys, stay outta my kitchen.
Pelia, where are you, my vixen? I'm here, Mother.
I'm as dry as a lizard.
Where's the hagster to bring us some beverages? Good question.
Tyrella! Love the outfit, Tyrella.
Not! Well, hello, you cuckoo, crazy chicks.
I have a message from that royal hipster The prince.
Oh, the prince I knew I smelled money.
Oh, that prince I knew he couldn't stay away from me forever.
The prince wishes to invite all good-lookin' chicks to his royal ball tonight.
From those, he's gonna pick a bride.
Ya dig? -A bride? -Oh, a bride A royal party I'm so excited! That chick is square, baby.
-Loser -Exsqueeze me? What are you so psyched about? Honey, the prince is lookin' for a babe, not a heifer.
-Show her, Pelia.
-Right, Ma.
Yeah! Stop right there! -Ah, it was just gettin' good! -Don't say another word.
Aphrodite, I thought you were out of this.
I am.
I am.
I'm done.
You all right? Xena? Still mad at me? Tell ya what.
I'll cook, you go on with your story.
My story Gabrielle Who were all those men at Tyrella's house? They were swimming instructors.
Did Tyrella ever go to the party? Well, she really wanted to go to the party.
Gabrielle, where's the frying pan? It's in my pack, where it always is.
Oh, yeah See? Tyrella didn't have anything really pretty to wear.
What about spoons? It's in the saddlebag! -Tyrella was hoping for a miracle.
-Ya got any butter and sugar? Xena, I'll do it.
Joxer? You wanna eat? Work for it.
You pick up the story-telling.
Xena, give me the pan before you hurt someone.
Hey, tall, dark and gruesomes -Who are you? -Aphrodite.
Goddess of love.
I have a proposition for you.
Not that kind of proposition.
You guys want your brother back, right? I can help you if you do me a favor.
-What kind of favor? -Xena's got my little girl.
You help me get her back, I'll help you get Zantar.
You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
-Scratch -Stop it! You know what I mean.
Ok.
Let's see.
Ok, ok.
Well It was the night of the big party, and he was very "He"? Don't you mean "she"? -How old are you? -7.
Ya wanna be 8? It was "he".
Now He was very excited.
-And his name was -Tyro! Hello, stepfather, dear, stepbrother, dear.
Tyro, the clumsy, strikes again.
-It was an accident.
-You were the accident.
-What's the get-up? -Oh, ya like it? I was sewing it all day for the royal ball tonight.
Well, if that's the case, those pants need adjusting.
-Right, Pelio? -Oh, you think? I thought they might be a little long in the crotch! Whaddya say to your stepbrother? -Thanks, stepbrother, dear.
-Don't be an idiot, idiot.
You can't wear that.
You've got no way to get there.
No social skills to speak of.
In short, you're not going.
Maybe we shouldn't let Joxer tell the story.
Yes, we should.
-Where's the oil? -In the saddlebag.
It's just he's making him sound like such a victim.
Oh, I didn't hear you volunteer.
No? Well, I'm not much of a story-teller.
I'm I'm more a woman of action.
Great.
Take action and get some water.
I'm gonna poach the fish.
I'm all over it.
I didn't wanna go to a stupid party, anyway.
Tyro, the Mighty? -Kick a man when he's down.
-I'm here to help.
Of course, if you're not interested in going to the party then I Royal party? No! I'd love to go.
Wait a minute.
Who are you? Harmonia, fairy godsmother, at your service.
Let's see.
You're going to need a new outfit and a ride and What else? Well, let's see.
I could use Social skills.
Trust me, you'll have many skills.
But remember My spell only lasts until sunup.
In other words, when the sand runs out, so must you.
Here's some more water.
I saw Zantar's men head down across the river.
I'm gonna go down there and deal with them.
What do you want from me? My skirt? My boots? -My underwear? -Oh, no, that would be too cruel.
What happens next, Joxer? Well The royal party was in full swing.
Ah, it was a gala event.
There were rubies upon the rubies and diamonds upon the diamonds.
What a hunk of a man They're playing our song.
Who's the new guy? I don't know.
But check out his social skills You dance divinely.
I know.
Yeah.
Hey! Watch this! When I look at you my eyes begin to bloom My heart begins to zoom and I'm in heaven When I dance with you my head sails to the moon My feet sing out a tune and I'm in heaven Nobody has ever made me feel quite like this -My palms perspire -My stomach churns I know this must be bliss Is yours the sweet angel face that I've been dreaming of? I'm in heaven He's in heaven When I'm with you I'm in heaven That gee! My pants! Bye! Wait! Wait! My shoe! I'll send it later! Excuse me.
The handsome and dashing Tyro hurried and hurried but it was too late, for as he looked at his hourglass, the last grain of sand -Where's Alesia? -She's Alesia? Alesia! Alesia! Alesia! She wandered off.
Can't say I blame her after hearing your story.
If I wasn't tied up, I'd kill ya.
Shut up.
Gabrielle? -I was cooking.
-I left you in charge.
Are you saying it's my fault that she ran away again? It's far too dangerous for a little girl to be out here on her own.
I'm gonna go after her, and you two Stay right here.
Alesia? I can't believe she's blaming me for this.
-I can.
-Hurry! Help me.
Down by the river These men They attacked me.
-Please -Zantar's men Sorry.
Xena wanted to stop them.
I'll do it.
You stay here! -Stay there! -Wait a min I can I can do it.
Oh, great.
Well At least that nutty broad, Aphrodite, isn't around.
What an airhead Talk about your half-wits She's half-baked and half-dressed! -Hello, Aphro dite.
-Outta my way, stud-muffin.
Where's my little cutesy-wootsy-poo? My little beauty queen? -Where is she? -You mean Alesia? She's gone.
Gone? Whaddya mean, gone? Lookin' for the girl? I can get her for ya.
Really? How do ya propose to do that? -Yeah.
-What about him? That's easy.
Let's talk.
Alesia! Alesia! Alesia Hang on, Alesia! Xena! I'm coming! Hold tight.
Hold tight.
I'm coming.
I'm not far away, sweetheart.
Ok.
Come on, Alesia.
Let go of it.
There you go.
All right? I got too close to the edge and fell.
Ok, well, hold on around my neck.
All right, I gotcha.
Now, come on.
Why did you run away? Have you ever heard Joxer tell a story? Well, that's a good point, but All fairy tales have a purpose.
And even when Joxer tells them, there's a message there.
Yeah.
"Run".
Come on.
Let's get back to camp.
Hop up.
All right! Here we go.
Joxer? They didn't hurt you, did they? No, I was ambushed.
It was Aphrodite.
-Where's Zantar? -He went off with Aphrodite.
She's disguised as an old lady.
Xena! Where were you? I went to look for Zantar's men.
They were beating up this old woman Gabrielle, the old woman was Aphrodite.
Now, how was I supposed to know that? Did Aphrodite say anything to Zantar? Yeah, yeah.
She said something about going to an old castle, and she wants Alesia.
Come on, Alesia.
Don't feel bad.
Aphrodite almost fooled me, too.
I wanna hear the rest of the story.
All right, well let me tell ya what really happened.
Tyrella had a stepfamily, all right, but no one pushed her around.
One day, Tyrella was busy sharpening her sword when Xena, shouldn't Tyrella wear a dress? If Tyrella's a girl, isn't she supposed to have a stepmother? Tyrella! What have you been doing all morning? Well, let's see.
I fought a warlord, saved a village and rescued a burning wagon full of orphans.
Just as I thought, lolly-gagging again.
Do some real work for a change.
Mother! -The prince is coming! -The prince? Here? Honestly, Tyrella, you can't wear that.
You'll be the shame of us all.
Your Highness Ladies I'm looking to wed the woman who fits this shoe.
-I'll try it on.
-Let me.
Please How about you? Would you care to try it on? If it fits, I can promise you a happy ending.
Wow You know what, Prince? You seem like a real nice fella, so I'm gonna make this nice and simple for ya.
I don't need you, or a fairy godsmother, or anyone else to give me a happy ending.
That's something that I'll get or I won't get all my own self.
So I suggest you peddle this shoe someplace else.
-But you could be a princess.
-Come on.
You could live in a castle Ouch, my royal bottom! So the prince won't marry either of you beauties.
Well, if we can't get to his crown jewels that way we'll just have to cut and run.
Tyrella? Tyrella? What do you want? Your stepmother and stepsister are going to rob the kingdom of the crown's jewels.
-You have to stop them.
-Right, I'm on it.
Wait! I am your fairy godssister.
Don't you want my help? Yeah, could you get rid of those dishes? The place is a mess.
If that's how I'm most useful to you, my pleasure.
After all we've been through, that's what you think of me? The fairy godssister of dishes? Xena, that's my only use to you? Oh, come on It was just a story.
I just meant we were like family, and in a family You have no idea how useful I am.
I'm out of here, that's it.
I need space! Gabrielle She'll be back.
She does this all the time.
Right, Joxer? She's just crazy.
Gabrielle? This isn't going to have a happy ending, is it? Well -Daddy! -I'll get the ropes.
Alesia, my darling.
Are you ok? Yes, I'm all right, thanks to Xena.
-I have missed you so much -We both have.
What happened here? Zantar and his brothers have stolen the crown jewels.
-You may be too late.
-We'll see about that.
Thank you, Xena.
We were so worried -No problem.
-Now You and me and your stepmother are going to try to be happy, all right? Xena! Wait! I wanna go with you and be a hero like Tyrella! -Alesia, wait! -But I wanna go with Xena! -Sweetheart, you can't.
-What about my happy ending? You're going to get a happy ending, I promise you that.
I need to ask you to do something for me.
Would you? -Ok.
-Go in there.
And I want you to talk.
And that's an order from your fairy godsmother.
What are you doing? Trust me, Your Highness.
They need to be alone.
Heavy crown jewels! Just leave them in there a while, a few days oughtta do it.
All right, Xena.
Whatever you say.
Aphrodite? I know you can hear me! Sorry! Clumsy me! Ok! Chill the 'tude, Miss Thing.
I'm here.
I want you to leave Alesia alone.
She came to me.
You heard what she said.
She hates her family.
All I see is this confused, little girl.
She doesn't realize how much she misses her family, all these people who love her.
If you don't stop meddling, you're going to break them up.
I just wanted a happy ending for her.
No, you just want your happy ending, regardless of her.
Tell me, Miss Expert, is that what you call love? It's just a thought.
-I'm sorry! I'm sorry! -What are you doing? Well, look, Xena, I'm sidekicking, you know? I'm your comrade-in-arms.
Your wingman.
Look, you're the comet and I'm Ajax.
You're the Achilles and I'm your heel.
Don't you see? Look, with these fists of fury you'll have no problem beatin' anybody.
Watch! Every muscle is tight.
Notice the action.
Oh, my mouth hurts! Is there a problem? I'm going after Zantar.
You stay here and make sure he doesn't return to the scene of his crime.
Right! I'll wait for him.
Wait a minute.
Why would he come back here? He's already got all the dough.
Xena? Wait! Help! Somebody! We're locked in! Is it really so bad to be locked in here with me? -I hate you.
-Really? Well, I'm glad Xena locked us in here.
-It'll give us a chance to talk.
-I'll never talk to you.
You're evil.
-Your father likes me.
-You put a spell on him.
I'll never like you.
-What did I do? -You stole my daddy from me.
No, I didn't.
He's just as much yours as he always was.
No, he's not.
Now he's yours.
How about we make him ours? Well Alesia, I know it's been hard since your mother died.
But I want you to know -I really care about you.
-You do? Yes.
And your father's told me all about you, and how you like stories.
Can't we have a happy ending? I thought every story had a happy ending, but now I don't know.
Because of me, Zantar stole the crown jewels and Gabrielle left Xena forever.
I've ruined everything.
Sidekick I am ten times the sidekick Gabrielle is.
Now, Zantar If I ever see that big, fat, porky, bulbous, behemoth of a hippo I'm gonna tell him what a great guy he is.
Now we have a little insurance, in case Xena gets in our way.
Nice plan if I cared.
She cares.
She's just kidding.
You're not laughing.
Don't cry, my princess.
Why, I bet Tyrella would do just what Xena would.
Leave the prince alone! Tyrella, don't be such a party pooper! You'll get your share! After all, we're family! If we can't have you and your money, no one can.
Pardon the dishpan hands! It's a man! So Tyrella arrested her stepmother and her stepsisters.
She saved the prince and she retrieved the family jewels Did she and the prince get married and live happily ever after? No.
No, but she and her fairy godssister did make a pact.
From now on they would help one another be all that they could be.
Yadda, yadda, yadda.
Talk about your sappy stories Look, kid, we had some fun, didn't we? But this love thing It's just not something I can teach ya.
It's something ya gotta learn on your own.
And this is as good a place as any, 'cause there's a lotta love here.
From your dad and your stepmom.
My stepmother She doesn't love me.
Oh, yes, she does.
Take it from me.
I know about these things.
Ok.
Aphrodite If you wanted Alesia back how come you didn't just put a spell on her? If I had done that I'd never know if she really wanted me.
So you really care about her.
Me? Care about a mortal? As if Gabrielle, why'd you come back? It was what you said about being a family.
I realized that every family has their problems.
But what's important is that we stay together.
We work it out.
-What was that for? -No reason.
Can't a girl hug her mom? -Bye, Your Highness.
-Thank you, Xena.
Goodbye, Xena.
So Anyone heard any good stories lately? Actually, I've been working on one.
-It's a story of a wooden boy.
-Bye! -And every time he tells a lie -Goodbye, Alesia.
his nose keeps growing and growing until it's really long.
Or he could be a monkey and his tail gets smaller.