Abbott Elementary (2021) s04e13 Episode Script
Science Fair
1
Are you cheating?
'Cause I think you're cheating.
I'm not cheating. You're cheating.
Pfft. Not even close.
My conscience is clear.
Mine is clearer.
I didn't bring my phone to school.
- I threw my phone away.
- Hm.
Gregory and I have a bet
on who can go the longest
without looking at our phone.
We're trying
to be a little bit more present
- with each other as a couple.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm obviously going to win,
and he will pay me in one kiss.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Hmm. You'll never guess
who Kim K. is dating now.
- How do you do that?
- What?
Just sit there with nothing.
- My social media? All up here.
- Okay.
They're making another "Jumanji"?!
All right, that's it.
Give me your phone.
- No.
- No, give me it.
- No! Janine. Are you
- Give me your phone.
No, if I can't have my phone,
I don't want to hear about it.
- No.
- Which "Jumanji" are they remaking?
- Hey!
- Which one?
- And who is she dating?
- No.
Are they making the one with The Rock?
Is she dating The Rock?!
I won.
And I helped.
I have a broken phone screen.
But you know what has never been broken?
This friendship.
[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]
♪♪
Ah, spring is on its way.
Pop music is back.
Coffee's almost warm.
It's gonna be a good day.
Good morning, everyone.
Well, try again tomorrow.
Hey, Morton. Didn't I see you roll up
to school today on a scooter?
My ex-wife got the car,
as well as half of everything
my other ex-wife didn't get half of.
Well, that's still
twice as much as you deserve.
Listen up.
Next week is the science fair.
It's gonna be our best ever.
I even got a trophy for first place.
I'm calling it the Morty.
Isn't that just a basketball trophy?
Okay, this is the sun, the
foundation of our solar system.
It is engraved,
"Your season was a swish."
Did you just steal that from the
trophy case and spray-paint it?
Okay. Moving on.
I've already found sponsors
for the kids' supplies.
Now all I need are two volunteers
to be judges with me.
[TEACHERS GROAN]
And a couple of teachers
to help supervise the kids
in the science lab.
- I'll do it.
- Yeah. Me.
- MORTON: Okay. You two.
- Yes.
How about the judges?
All right. I thought that might happen,
so I decided to draw names from a hat.
It's better to work with the kids
than risk judging with Morton
'cause the power always goes
straight to his head.
It's like Mr. Johnson
whenever there's a spill.
Melissa's bringing
my name into something again?
The woman's obsessed
with what she can't have.
Okay.
And our first judge is Jacob.
Wait, what? Wait. Jacob who?
And our second judge is Jacob.
All right, let's try this again.
Jacob. Okay.
If you really wanted to do this so bad,
you could have just volunteered
instead of cheating.
- Oh.
- Here we go. Barbara.
Oh. Wait. What?
I wrote down "Jacob."
Don't look at me.
I was one of the Jacobs.
[WHISPERING] I wrote down "Barbara."
Thank you.
Hello. What's your experiment?
I'm gonna make a volcano.
Oh, that sounds like a blast.
Okay.
So what are you gonna do, Eric?
I'm gonna see what kind of
potato makes the brightest light.
Oh. How about you, Courtney?
I'm conducting a social experiment.
It would compromise my findings
if I told you any more at this juncture.
As long as you
don't besmirch my name, go off.
I want to do an experiment
on water filtration,
but I couldn't get
my permission slip signed.
Um, well, we're gonna be working
with some potentially dangerous tools,
so maybe you wanna go
to Principal Coleman's office
and see if there's something she can do.
Okay.
Hello.
I want to burn things
on the Bunsen burner.
Oh. All right.
But what is your hypothesis gonna be?
That it's fun to burn things?
As long as your permission slip
is signed, yeah.
Get in line, kid.
Hey, Ava. Sorry to bother
Then don't.
So, while I was getting a haircut,
I mentioned the school
was doing a science fair.
And your dad happened
to overhear and asked
if the barbershop could sponsor.
I am so tired of men
talking to each other.
Right. I just I didn't know
if you and him were
There is no me and him.
There's him
and his other family, though.
Okay, um, well, just
want to give you a heads-up.
Here is the donation.
Money's money. Scram.
[DRAWER OPENS, CLOSES]
Principal Coleman, they're
saying I can't do the science fair
'cause my permission slip isn't signed.
Can't believe you need
permission to be a nerd.
I left it on the table
right next to my dad's keys.
He forgot to sign it. He always forgets.
That does sound like
something a dad would do.
Tell me about your project.
I'm testing various
filtration methods to see
how to get the cleanest water.
Ooh. For when we lose access
to running water
and the proxy wars escalate
into World War Z?
For when I go camping.
Oh. Well, I can help you.
It doesn't look like
it's going too well so far.
This is my control.
It's straight from
the school's water fountain.
Oh, someone really needs to do something
about this nasty-ass school.
Give me that paper.
And most importantly,
we must see a clear hypothesis
and gather data.
This isn't a game.
This is the volunteer science
fair, grades three through eight.
You have the science part down,
so I will be judging them
on presentation.
I was thinking points for glitz,
bonuses for glamour.
JACOB: And I would like to focus
on, you know,
should this project even be explored?
You know, what are the ripple effects?
Science doesn't care about
glitz and glamour or morals.
You build the A-bomb. You
don't worry about how it's used.
First of all, yikes.
And second of all,
presentation does matter, as do morals.
That is a very simplistic
approach to a subject
that actually matters, which
I realize is new for you both.
You know something?
You are tap-dancing
on my last nerve, Morton.
And I don't like the choreography.
And if this is the way that
you are gonna run things,
well, the only thing
I will be judging is you
guilty.
[CLAPS] Case closed.
You are hereby sentenced to
never speak to us again.
Period.
Is this what we're gonna use?
Yes, absolutely.
Oh, Hi, Tyree. Welcome back.
You got your permission slip signed?
Sure did. By me. He's good to go
to wipe the floor with all y'all.
- What?!
- Excuse me.
You heard me.
With my help, Tyree's project
is taking first place.
And it won't be close, so
you might as well give up now.
Ava, the science fair
is not about winning.
Oh, good job. That's exactly
what a loser sounds like.
[LAUGHS] Why are you even here?
You know nothing about science.
- You don't?
- No, I do.
Uh, I have questions about science,
but i-isn't that the entire point?
Right? I'm sciencing right now.
Ava, this is supposed
to be for the kids.
- We don't need to be overly involved.
- JANINE: Yeah.
Unless you're saying
you think you're better than me.
Well, I wasn't gonna say that,
but [CHUCKLES] of course
that's what I think.
- Oh, we are going to wreck you.
- We?!
- Okay, wait. Don't forget about us.
- Us?!
Yes, because our project is
educational and extremely cool.
- It's not that cool.
- No.
Melissa, it's a volcano.
It's the coolest thing ever.
Then you're in trouble.
Because the only thing Janine knows
less about than science is what's cool.
Oh. [STUDENT LAUGHS]
[SCOFFS] Don't worry.
I know science, and I know cool.
Aah! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh. Ooh. [GASPS]
[BREATHES SHARPLY] And that wasn't cool.
That was extremely hot.
And my arm hurts,
so I'm gonna go to the nurse
to make sure I'm all right. Yeah.
Clarissa, I'll be back. We're
gonna win this thing. Ouch.
Excuse me. Can anyone help me?
I can help you. And you're in
luck 'cause I used to work at NASA.
I was a "Hidden Figure."
Okay, but I saw that movie,
and I don't remember you in it.
That's how hidden I was.
Not only are we winning that trophy
We can bottle this stuff and sell it.
Evian? More like Ava-ian. [LAUGHS]
- Ms. Teagues, I don't want to lose.
- Mm-hmm?
Oh, you won't, because
you've got me on your team.
Okay, I was thinking,
how about if I paint my volcano purple
and put glitter all over it?
Oh, okay. Um
Or a better idea
What if we do something
that will make it good so that we win?
'Cause, right? It's about winning.
Ms. Schemmenti, maybe I could
put funny eyes on my potato
and draw a silly mouth.
This isn't a Mr. Potato Head, Eric.
This is the future
of energy production in America.
Now go get some copper wiring.
And get some butter in case
we get hungry.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
[MORTON SIGHS]
Jacob, I've been thinking.
We were pretty hard on Morton,
and maybe we should help him.
Oh, that's funny,
because I was just thinking
we should erase him from our minds,
"Eternal Sunshine"-style.
Okay, but I would prefer
to do the godly thing.
Barbara, that man is Beelzebub.
It is not just about Morton.
The science fair needs our balance.
He told me once that he drove
to New York instead of flying
because and I quote
"My biggest fear in life
is lady pilots."
[MORTON GROANS] You
wouldn't be doing it for him.
You're doing it for the children.
Come on.
Fine.
But I think we could all stand
to care a little less
about the children.
- Jacob.
- MORTON: [GROANS]
[BLEEP] [BLEEP]
This looks so good. Mm-hmm.
Can we glue some jelly beans on it?
Well, how many times have you
seen jelly beans on a volcano?
I've never seen a volcano.
Neither have I, but I'm pretty
sure there's no jelly beans on them.
So how about we glue some
of those little trees on?
Oh, but volcanoes have little trees?
Um, I'm gonna go borrow the glue gun
from Ms. Schemmenti, okay?
Be right back.
MELISSA: Yeah, I don't know.
It's just lacking, like, a "wow" factor.
Are you familiar with the Vegas Sphere?
No, but I think this is good.
Okay. It's not about
what you think is good.
It's about me being Ava.
I mean, you beating Ava.
I mean, you winning the trophy.
You know what? You know what I mean.
- JANINE: Hey, Melissa.
- Hey.
Hey, can I borrow your glue gun?
Uh, yeah,
we're using it right now, so
[CHUCKLES] Wow.
Oh. What do you got here?
A potato trying to power
a little itty-bitty light bulb?
Yeah. That's cool, I guess.
When we're done, that thing's
gonna light up the whole Vegas Strip.
Why do you keep talking about Vegas?
Hey, why won't
you just let me borrow it?
We're supposed to be trying to beat Ava.
Oh, it's gotten so much bigger
than Ava now, hon.
I heard Tasha is working
with some kid on a hoverboard.
- What?
- Even Dia's helping somebody.
And who knows what
this little one's up to?
Hey, you put that back!
Put Put it back!
Put it back, you snaggletooth!
[SIGHS]
And you quit spying on us.
Where did he go?
Where'd who go? You okay?
I will be when I win the
science fair, fair and square.
When you win? I thought
this was just for the kids.
Don't you think you're
taking this a little bit too
"Seriously"? I love
when we finish each other's
Aww. I love that you never cut me off.
[GASPS]
- Is that charcoal?
- What's it look like?
Hey, you know you
can't grill in here, right?
Y'all wasn't saying that when
you was eating them ribs I made.
Hey, help me with this.
Oh, my. What the
- You getting it?
- Perfect.
- What?!
- That looks pretty elaborate.
I just want to know
what you have going on here.
Yeah, how about you mind
your business, though?
- Uh, if you
- Okay?
Wow.
All right.
Uh, we need to scrap
the volcano and start over.
But I like this.
I know, but likes are for Instagram,
and we need love to win the Morty.
Can't believe I just called it that.
Let's get to work.
[WHIRRING]
[THUD]
[WHIRRING CONTINUES]
JANINE: Um
Is it working?
Uh, no. It's just
spreading it everywhere.
Then it's working. [LAUGHS]
Mr. Morton, we would like to apologize
for storming out on you.
And we will consider
coming back as judges.
But only if we are treated as equals.
Science is a meritocracy.
You'll be treated as equal
if you are equal.
- And we're out.
- And there.
Okay. Hold on, hold on.
Look, I know I can come across as harsh.
So you're aware of
it and you still do it.
But science is not a place for leniency.
I'm rigid because science is rigid.
And dryly delivered data
falls on deaf ears.
"Data fall."
"Data" is the plural of "datum."
- I swear to God, Morton!
- No!
Mr. Morton, we are trying to
help you make this science fair
as good as it can possibly be.
Well, these kids volunteered
for the science fair.
They want to learn.
So if we want to make this
as enriching as possible,
we cannot go easy on them.
We will do our best
to uphold the highest
of our individual standards.
Team?
Team.
Team.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Just headed to my mailbox
to get my volcano parts.
Just wait till you see
the size of my hose.
Your hose doesn't scare me.
But your mouth annoys me. So close it.
Hello?
Uh, I'm Frank, one of the
sponsors for the science fair.
Ooh, you seem scared.
You're scared, aren't you?
The sponsors aren't supposed
to come until the fair tomorrow.
Well, good to know.
Actually, is Ava around?
AVA: You might as well forfeit.
But when you do it, you
should call it a "four-feet."
[LAUGHS] 'Cause you're short.
Nice burn.
[CHUCKLES]
What are you doing here?
Well, I didn't know
if you got the money I donated.
I didn't hear from you.
Of course that's why you gave it.
Well, I have tried to reach out before.
Frank, what are we doing?
I have a school to run
and a science fair to win.
Fine. I-I'll get out of your hair
and go cut someone else's.
That wasn't funny.
Come on, Ava.
[SIGHS]
[DOOR OPENS]
Ava, I'm I'm so sorry.
He seems like he's trying.
It's just
[VOICE BREAKING] the hole
in my heart is so big.
I just
[CRYING]
- Oh, Ava. I'm sor
- [LAUGHS]
Get your little feelings
out of here, girl.
I'm fine. [LAUGHS]
I'm gonna kick your ass tomorrow.
Please. You couldn't reach
my ass to kick it.
Okay. And remember to speak clearly.
This isn't a presentation. All right?
This is Carnaval. You're the ringleader.
The volcano is the elephant.
I'm the cotton candy,
and Barb is the customer.
What?
Okay, remember, kid
It's all about showmanship.
Like, you've heard
of Wayne Newton, right?
Um, I've tried his cookies.
That's Fig Newton. Oh, my God, no.
All right. Dress rehearsal time.
Run it!
We have successfully made
Abbott's drinking water drinkable.
That's right.
And then you're gonna extend your hand
so that you can take hold
of the trophy. Mm.
Okay. Oh, look. They're judging
that little cutie patootie
over there. Let's see.
For my project, I proved
that watering white flowers
with food coloring
changes the color of the flowers.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize I was
at the Obvious Fair.
Well, I think it's lovely.
Those are some pretty colors.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I know it's tempting to be nice,
but remember
The students need the truth.
The higher the standards,
the more they'll actually learn.
Sorry, sweetheart,
but it looks like you just
poured Kool-Aid on your flowers.
Yeah. How will this help society?
Uhit's pretty?
I would argue
that our obsession with beauty
is actually hurting society.
This is a zero. Let's move on.
N
So basically, you're telling us
that you've learned nothing
in practical experimentation
that you couldn't have learned
in a book?
Barbara, Jacob, anything to add?
Well, yellow highlighter
on a white poster board
It's a bit off-putting.
Sweetheart, your message is lost.
Did you think about how this
would impact global warming?
Global what? You're really are starting
to sound like
a conspiracy theorist, Jacob.
Oh, Courtney. Sweetheart,
why don't you go back
to your project station?
We will be with you shortly.
My project is ongoing.
Ah. Our sponsors are here.
Gregory. Great to see you.
The forced interactions
at the barbershop
are already not fun for me.
"Hey, Gregory, would you let
a female buy you dinner?"
Now it's followed me to work.
I'm gonna start shaving my head.
And this is meant to be to scale?
- A scale? It's
- No. [LAUGHS]
Of course it's not. No.
Is that the brightest light
you could have found?
Barb, come on. It's me. [SCOFFS LIGHTLY]
Hmm.
And you chose a sample study
over observational for convenience?
My next filtration system will
be to filter you out of this school.
After tallying everything up,
we'd like to announce
that the winner is
nobody.
STUDENTS: What?!
- But each of your projects were amazing
- What?
in their own way.
Yes. Unfortunately, no one project
satisfied all of the judges'
wildly different standards.
STUDENT: That's not fair!
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
- Weak!
- Everybody, listen!
How can a volcano be
culturally appropriated?
I produced light from a potato.
What have you made from a potato
besides hash browns?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Mrs. Howard's just a hater.
STUDENTS: Yeah!
Listen, we understand your frustration,
but this is good. Science
is all about trial and error.
[STUDENTS MURMURING]
These rules are absurd and have nothing
to do with their projects.
I just wanted to paint my volcano
and put jelly beans on it,
but Ms. Teagues wouldn't let me.
And I wanted to put googly eyes
- on my potato.
- That was you.
That would have been cool as hell.
Those eyes would have
been all like, "Whoaaa!"
The grown-ups took
this way too seriously.
- STUDENTS: Yeah!
- Yeah!
COURTNEY: You don't
get to judge us anymore.
Okay, fellow scientists,
change your projects back
- to what you wanted them to be.
- STUDENT: Mm-hmm. Okay.
And then we'll judge ourselves
- STUDENT #2: Yeah.
- and choose our own winner.
[STUDENTS CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
- Yeah!
- It's a little revolting
Absolutely not.
Too late.
We already whooped in agreement.
[STUDENTS CHEER AND APPLAUD]
Oh.
[WHOOPING]
Hey, guys, maybe we went
a wee bit overboard.
- Yeah, it's 'cause I hate losing.
- Mm-hmm.
And it doesn't matter if it's
a dumb potato or the ponies.
The only way to feel better
is just keep making those bets.
Well, don't look at me. I was helping.
I mean, you all went
and made it competitive.
I'm the victim in this, quite honestly.
This is what I do.
I take great things
and I turn them into bad things.
[SIGHS]
I think it's a good thing
that the students are
doing this for themselves.
No. You're wrong. I'm right.
I did it with my first wife.
I did it with my second wife.
Even almost pushed you
guys away. My new best friends.
Morton, I think that you should,
um, think about
your problems scientifically.
Well, consider this.
You are Y and your exes are L's.
Well, if all of the L's keep leaving,
then Y is the problem.
Look, you said you love
science for the rules, right?
Maybe Maybe you just need
some rules for life outside of science.
If you always have a problem,
the constant is you.
In this case, me.
- Thanks, guys.
- Yeah.
Maybe we should hang out more often.
Hard pass, buddy.
Yeah, yeah. Maybe we could.
All right.
Psych!
Thanks, Deli Guy.
Hey, this was a really nice event.
Well done.
Of course it was well done.
It's my school.
- Well
- But, yeah, thanks for the money.
The kids had a good time.
You're welcome. If you want,
I could throw in a few haircuts, too.
Oh, I saw what
you did with Gregory's hair.
- We good.
- [LAUGHING] Okay.
Attention! Attention!
- We have chosen a winner.
- Okay.
Envelope, please.
- Seriously.
- I know.
And the winner is
Courtney.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Oh, yeah! Ah-ha-ha!
Thank you, thank you.
This iscute.
To be honest,
I never thought Abbott
would be the perfect place
to test my model about
the effects of power dynamics
in competitive environments.
Shout-out to all the teachers who proved
that adults can't handle competition.
See, that's not science.
That's just mean.
- Mm.
- Nah. She's an evil genius.
Reminds me of me.
I wonder how she is at counting cards.
Hey, we need to talk.
You all right?
[APPLAUSE]
It's okay. You'll get 'em next
Next year. I finished your sentence.
I was gonna say "next time,"
- but that was clo
- Oh. Close.
Close. I got it.
All right, I'll give you that one.
- Okay.
- Come on, little buddy.
Let's get you home.
[BUTTON CLICKING]
Oh, must be out of batteries.
Someone hand me a potato.
Oh, Mr. Johnson. That's
not the remote for your robot.
What's it for, then?
Uh, that is for
Oh, my God, it's the big hose.
Oh, it's gonna blow!
Aaaaahhhh!
[VOLCANO RUMBLING]
Are you cheating?
'Cause I think you're cheating.
I'm not cheating. You're cheating.
Pfft. Not even close.
My conscience is clear.
Mine is clearer.
I didn't bring my phone to school.
- I threw my phone away.
- Hm.
Gregory and I have a bet
on who can go the longest
without looking at our phone.
We're trying
to be a little bit more present
- with each other as a couple.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm obviously going to win,
and he will pay me in one kiss.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Hmm. You'll never guess
who Kim K. is dating now.
- How do you do that?
- What?
Just sit there with nothing.
- My social media? All up here.
- Okay.
They're making another "Jumanji"?!
All right, that's it.
Give me your phone.
- No.
- No, give me it.
- No! Janine. Are you
- Give me your phone.
No, if I can't have my phone,
I don't want to hear about it.
- No.
- Which "Jumanji" are they remaking?
- Hey!
- Which one?
- And who is she dating?
- No.
Are they making the one with The Rock?
Is she dating The Rock?!
I won.
And I helped.
I have a broken phone screen.
But you know what has never been broken?
This friendship.
[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]
♪♪
Ah, spring is on its way.
Pop music is back.
Coffee's almost warm.
It's gonna be a good day.
Good morning, everyone.
Well, try again tomorrow.
Hey, Morton. Didn't I see you roll up
to school today on a scooter?
My ex-wife got the car,
as well as half of everything
my other ex-wife didn't get half of.
Well, that's still
twice as much as you deserve.
Listen up.
Next week is the science fair.
It's gonna be our best ever.
I even got a trophy for first place.
I'm calling it the Morty.
Isn't that just a basketball trophy?
Okay, this is the sun, the
foundation of our solar system.
It is engraved,
"Your season was a swish."
Did you just steal that from the
trophy case and spray-paint it?
Okay. Moving on.
I've already found sponsors
for the kids' supplies.
Now all I need are two volunteers
to be judges with me.
[TEACHERS GROAN]
And a couple of teachers
to help supervise the kids
in the science lab.
- I'll do it.
- Yeah. Me.
- MORTON: Okay. You two.
- Yes.
How about the judges?
All right. I thought that might happen,
so I decided to draw names from a hat.
It's better to work with the kids
than risk judging with Morton
'cause the power always goes
straight to his head.
It's like Mr. Johnson
whenever there's a spill.
Melissa's bringing
my name into something again?
The woman's obsessed
with what she can't have.
Okay.
And our first judge is Jacob.
Wait, what? Wait. Jacob who?
And our second judge is Jacob.
All right, let's try this again.
Jacob. Okay.
If you really wanted to do this so bad,
you could have just volunteered
instead of cheating.
- Oh.
- Here we go. Barbara.
Oh. Wait. What?
I wrote down "Jacob."
Don't look at me.
I was one of the Jacobs.
[WHISPERING] I wrote down "Barbara."
Thank you.
Hello. What's your experiment?
I'm gonna make a volcano.
Oh, that sounds like a blast.
Okay.
So what are you gonna do, Eric?
I'm gonna see what kind of
potato makes the brightest light.
Oh. How about you, Courtney?
I'm conducting a social experiment.
It would compromise my findings
if I told you any more at this juncture.
As long as you
don't besmirch my name, go off.
I want to do an experiment
on water filtration,
but I couldn't get
my permission slip signed.
Um, well, we're gonna be working
with some potentially dangerous tools,
so maybe you wanna go
to Principal Coleman's office
and see if there's something she can do.
Okay.
Hello.
I want to burn things
on the Bunsen burner.
Oh. All right.
But what is your hypothesis gonna be?
That it's fun to burn things?
As long as your permission slip
is signed, yeah.
Get in line, kid.
Hey, Ava. Sorry to bother
Then don't.
So, while I was getting a haircut,
I mentioned the school
was doing a science fair.
And your dad happened
to overhear and asked
if the barbershop could sponsor.
I am so tired of men
talking to each other.
Right. I just I didn't know
if you and him were
There is no me and him.
There's him
and his other family, though.
Okay, um, well, just
want to give you a heads-up.
Here is the donation.
Money's money. Scram.
[DRAWER OPENS, CLOSES]
Principal Coleman, they're
saying I can't do the science fair
'cause my permission slip isn't signed.
Can't believe you need
permission to be a nerd.
I left it on the table
right next to my dad's keys.
He forgot to sign it. He always forgets.
That does sound like
something a dad would do.
Tell me about your project.
I'm testing various
filtration methods to see
how to get the cleanest water.
Ooh. For when we lose access
to running water
and the proxy wars escalate
into World War Z?
For when I go camping.
Oh. Well, I can help you.
It doesn't look like
it's going too well so far.
This is my control.
It's straight from
the school's water fountain.
Oh, someone really needs to do something
about this nasty-ass school.
Give me that paper.
And most importantly,
we must see a clear hypothesis
and gather data.
This isn't a game.
This is the volunteer science
fair, grades three through eight.
You have the science part down,
so I will be judging them
on presentation.
I was thinking points for glitz,
bonuses for glamour.
JACOB: And I would like to focus
on, you know,
should this project even be explored?
You know, what are the ripple effects?
Science doesn't care about
glitz and glamour or morals.
You build the A-bomb. You
don't worry about how it's used.
First of all, yikes.
And second of all,
presentation does matter, as do morals.
That is a very simplistic
approach to a subject
that actually matters, which
I realize is new for you both.
You know something?
You are tap-dancing
on my last nerve, Morton.
And I don't like the choreography.
And if this is the way that
you are gonna run things,
well, the only thing
I will be judging is you
guilty.
[CLAPS] Case closed.
You are hereby sentenced to
never speak to us again.
Period.
Is this what we're gonna use?
Yes, absolutely.
Oh, Hi, Tyree. Welcome back.
You got your permission slip signed?
Sure did. By me. He's good to go
to wipe the floor with all y'all.
- What?!
- Excuse me.
You heard me.
With my help, Tyree's project
is taking first place.
And it won't be close, so
you might as well give up now.
Ava, the science fair
is not about winning.
Oh, good job. That's exactly
what a loser sounds like.
[LAUGHS] Why are you even here?
You know nothing about science.
- You don't?
- No, I do.
Uh, I have questions about science,
but i-isn't that the entire point?
Right? I'm sciencing right now.
Ava, this is supposed
to be for the kids.
- We don't need to be overly involved.
- JANINE: Yeah.
Unless you're saying
you think you're better than me.
Well, I wasn't gonna say that,
but [CHUCKLES] of course
that's what I think.
- Oh, we are going to wreck you.
- We?!
- Okay, wait. Don't forget about us.
- Us?!
Yes, because our project is
educational and extremely cool.
- It's not that cool.
- No.
Melissa, it's a volcano.
It's the coolest thing ever.
Then you're in trouble.
Because the only thing Janine knows
less about than science is what's cool.
Oh. [STUDENT LAUGHS]
[SCOFFS] Don't worry.
I know science, and I know cool.
Aah! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh. Ooh. [GASPS]
[BREATHES SHARPLY] And that wasn't cool.
That was extremely hot.
And my arm hurts,
so I'm gonna go to the nurse
to make sure I'm all right. Yeah.
Clarissa, I'll be back. We're
gonna win this thing. Ouch.
Excuse me. Can anyone help me?
I can help you. And you're in
luck 'cause I used to work at NASA.
I was a "Hidden Figure."
Okay, but I saw that movie,
and I don't remember you in it.
That's how hidden I was.
Not only are we winning that trophy
We can bottle this stuff and sell it.
Evian? More like Ava-ian. [LAUGHS]
- Ms. Teagues, I don't want to lose.
- Mm-hmm?
Oh, you won't, because
you've got me on your team.
Okay, I was thinking,
how about if I paint my volcano purple
and put glitter all over it?
Oh, okay. Um
Or a better idea
What if we do something
that will make it good so that we win?
'Cause, right? It's about winning.
Ms. Schemmenti, maybe I could
put funny eyes on my potato
and draw a silly mouth.
This isn't a Mr. Potato Head, Eric.
This is the future
of energy production in America.
Now go get some copper wiring.
And get some butter in case
we get hungry.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
[MORTON SIGHS]
Jacob, I've been thinking.
We were pretty hard on Morton,
and maybe we should help him.
Oh, that's funny,
because I was just thinking
we should erase him from our minds,
"Eternal Sunshine"-style.
Okay, but I would prefer
to do the godly thing.
Barbara, that man is Beelzebub.
It is not just about Morton.
The science fair needs our balance.
He told me once that he drove
to New York instead of flying
because and I quote
"My biggest fear in life
is lady pilots."
[MORTON GROANS] You
wouldn't be doing it for him.
You're doing it for the children.
Come on.
Fine.
But I think we could all stand
to care a little less
about the children.
- Jacob.
- MORTON: [GROANS]
[BLEEP] [BLEEP]
This looks so good. Mm-hmm.
Can we glue some jelly beans on it?
Well, how many times have you
seen jelly beans on a volcano?
I've never seen a volcano.
Neither have I, but I'm pretty
sure there's no jelly beans on them.
So how about we glue some
of those little trees on?
Oh, but volcanoes have little trees?
Um, I'm gonna go borrow the glue gun
from Ms. Schemmenti, okay?
Be right back.
MELISSA: Yeah, I don't know.
It's just lacking, like, a "wow" factor.
Are you familiar with the Vegas Sphere?
No, but I think this is good.
Okay. It's not about
what you think is good.
It's about me being Ava.
I mean, you beating Ava.
I mean, you winning the trophy.
You know what? You know what I mean.
- JANINE: Hey, Melissa.
- Hey.
Hey, can I borrow your glue gun?
Uh, yeah,
we're using it right now, so
[CHUCKLES] Wow.
Oh. What do you got here?
A potato trying to power
a little itty-bitty light bulb?
Yeah. That's cool, I guess.
When we're done, that thing's
gonna light up the whole Vegas Strip.
Why do you keep talking about Vegas?
Hey, why won't
you just let me borrow it?
We're supposed to be trying to beat Ava.
Oh, it's gotten so much bigger
than Ava now, hon.
I heard Tasha is working
with some kid on a hoverboard.
- What?
- Even Dia's helping somebody.
And who knows what
this little one's up to?
Hey, you put that back!
Put Put it back!
Put it back, you snaggletooth!
[SIGHS]
And you quit spying on us.
Where did he go?
Where'd who go? You okay?
I will be when I win the
science fair, fair and square.
When you win? I thought
this was just for the kids.
Don't you think you're
taking this a little bit too
"Seriously"? I love
when we finish each other's
Aww. I love that you never cut me off.
[GASPS]
- Is that charcoal?
- What's it look like?
Hey, you know you
can't grill in here, right?
Y'all wasn't saying that when
you was eating them ribs I made.
Hey, help me with this.
Oh, my. What the
- You getting it?
- Perfect.
- What?!
- That looks pretty elaborate.
I just want to know
what you have going on here.
Yeah, how about you mind
your business, though?
- Uh, if you
- Okay?
Wow.
All right.
Uh, we need to scrap
the volcano and start over.
But I like this.
I know, but likes are for Instagram,
and we need love to win the Morty.
Can't believe I just called it that.
Let's get to work.
[WHIRRING]
[THUD]
[WHIRRING CONTINUES]
JANINE: Um
Is it working?
Uh, no. It's just
spreading it everywhere.
Then it's working. [LAUGHS]
Mr. Morton, we would like to apologize
for storming out on you.
And we will consider
coming back as judges.
But only if we are treated as equals.
Science is a meritocracy.
You'll be treated as equal
if you are equal.
- And we're out.
- And there.
Okay. Hold on, hold on.
Look, I know I can come across as harsh.
So you're aware of
it and you still do it.
But science is not a place for leniency.
I'm rigid because science is rigid.
And dryly delivered data
falls on deaf ears.
"Data fall."
"Data" is the plural of "datum."
- I swear to God, Morton!
- No!
Mr. Morton, we are trying to
help you make this science fair
as good as it can possibly be.
Well, these kids volunteered
for the science fair.
They want to learn.
So if we want to make this
as enriching as possible,
we cannot go easy on them.
We will do our best
to uphold the highest
of our individual standards.
Team?
Team.
Team.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Just headed to my mailbox
to get my volcano parts.
Just wait till you see
the size of my hose.
Your hose doesn't scare me.
But your mouth annoys me. So close it.
Hello?
Uh, I'm Frank, one of the
sponsors for the science fair.
Ooh, you seem scared.
You're scared, aren't you?
The sponsors aren't supposed
to come until the fair tomorrow.
Well, good to know.
Actually, is Ava around?
AVA: You might as well forfeit.
But when you do it, you
should call it a "four-feet."
[LAUGHS] 'Cause you're short.
Nice burn.
[CHUCKLES]
What are you doing here?
Well, I didn't know
if you got the money I donated.
I didn't hear from you.
Of course that's why you gave it.
Well, I have tried to reach out before.
Frank, what are we doing?
I have a school to run
and a science fair to win.
Fine. I-I'll get out of your hair
and go cut someone else's.
That wasn't funny.
Come on, Ava.
[SIGHS]
[DOOR OPENS]
Ava, I'm I'm so sorry.
He seems like he's trying.
It's just
[VOICE BREAKING] the hole
in my heart is so big.
I just
[CRYING]
- Oh, Ava. I'm sor
- [LAUGHS]
Get your little feelings
out of here, girl.
I'm fine. [LAUGHS]
I'm gonna kick your ass tomorrow.
Please. You couldn't reach
my ass to kick it.
Okay. And remember to speak clearly.
This isn't a presentation. All right?
This is Carnaval. You're the ringleader.
The volcano is the elephant.
I'm the cotton candy,
and Barb is the customer.
What?
Okay, remember, kid
It's all about showmanship.
Like, you've heard
of Wayne Newton, right?
Um, I've tried his cookies.
That's Fig Newton. Oh, my God, no.
All right. Dress rehearsal time.
Run it!
We have successfully made
Abbott's drinking water drinkable.
That's right.
And then you're gonna extend your hand
so that you can take hold
of the trophy. Mm.
Okay. Oh, look. They're judging
that little cutie patootie
over there. Let's see.
For my project, I proved
that watering white flowers
with food coloring
changes the color of the flowers.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize I was
at the Obvious Fair.
Well, I think it's lovely.
Those are some pretty colors.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I know it's tempting to be nice,
but remember
The students need the truth.
The higher the standards,
the more they'll actually learn.
Sorry, sweetheart,
but it looks like you just
poured Kool-Aid on your flowers.
Yeah. How will this help society?
Uhit's pretty?
I would argue
that our obsession with beauty
is actually hurting society.
This is a zero. Let's move on.
N
So basically, you're telling us
that you've learned nothing
in practical experimentation
that you couldn't have learned
in a book?
Barbara, Jacob, anything to add?
Well, yellow highlighter
on a white poster board
It's a bit off-putting.
Sweetheart, your message is lost.
Did you think about how this
would impact global warming?
Global what? You're really are starting
to sound like
a conspiracy theorist, Jacob.
Oh, Courtney. Sweetheart,
why don't you go back
to your project station?
We will be with you shortly.
My project is ongoing.
Ah. Our sponsors are here.
Gregory. Great to see you.
The forced interactions
at the barbershop
are already not fun for me.
"Hey, Gregory, would you let
a female buy you dinner?"
Now it's followed me to work.
I'm gonna start shaving my head.
And this is meant to be to scale?
- A scale? It's
- No. [LAUGHS]
Of course it's not. No.
Is that the brightest light
you could have found?
Barb, come on. It's me. [SCOFFS LIGHTLY]
Hmm.
And you chose a sample study
over observational for convenience?
My next filtration system will
be to filter you out of this school.
After tallying everything up,
we'd like to announce
that the winner is
nobody.
STUDENTS: What?!
- But each of your projects were amazing
- What?
in their own way.
Yes. Unfortunately, no one project
satisfied all of the judges'
wildly different standards.
STUDENT: That's not fair!
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
- Weak!
- Everybody, listen!
How can a volcano be
culturally appropriated?
I produced light from a potato.
What have you made from a potato
besides hash browns?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Mrs. Howard's just a hater.
STUDENTS: Yeah!
Listen, we understand your frustration,
but this is good. Science
is all about trial and error.
[STUDENTS MURMURING]
These rules are absurd and have nothing
to do with their projects.
I just wanted to paint my volcano
and put jelly beans on it,
but Ms. Teagues wouldn't let me.
And I wanted to put googly eyes
- on my potato.
- That was you.
That would have been cool as hell.
Those eyes would have
been all like, "Whoaaa!"
The grown-ups took
this way too seriously.
- STUDENTS: Yeah!
- Yeah!
COURTNEY: You don't
get to judge us anymore.
Okay, fellow scientists,
change your projects back
- to what you wanted them to be.
- STUDENT: Mm-hmm. Okay.
And then we'll judge ourselves
- STUDENT #2: Yeah.
- and choose our own winner.
[STUDENTS CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
- Yeah!
- It's a little revolting
Absolutely not.
Too late.
We already whooped in agreement.
[STUDENTS CHEER AND APPLAUD]
Oh.
[WHOOPING]
Hey, guys, maybe we went
a wee bit overboard.
- Yeah, it's 'cause I hate losing.
- Mm-hmm.
And it doesn't matter if it's
a dumb potato or the ponies.
The only way to feel better
is just keep making those bets.
Well, don't look at me. I was helping.
I mean, you all went
and made it competitive.
I'm the victim in this, quite honestly.
This is what I do.
I take great things
and I turn them into bad things.
[SIGHS]
I think it's a good thing
that the students are
doing this for themselves.
No. You're wrong. I'm right.
I did it with my first wife.
I did it with my second wife.
Even almost pushed you
guys away. My new best friends.
Morton, I think that you should,
um, think about
your problems scientifically.
Well, consider this.
You are Y and your exes are L's.
Well, if all of the L's keep leaving,
then Y is the problem.
Look, you said you love
science for the rules, right?
Maybe Maybe you just need
some rules for life outside of science.
If you always have a problem,
the constant is you.
In this case, me.
- Thanks, guys.
- Yeah.
Maybe we should hang out more often.
Hard pass, buddy.
Yeah, yeah. Maybe we could.
All right.
Psych!
Thanks, Deli Guy.
Hey, this was a really nice event.
Well done.
Of course it was well done.
It's my school.
- Well
- But, yeah, thanks for the money.
The kids had a good time.
You're welcome. If you want,
I could throw in a few haircuts, too.
Oh, I saw what
you did with Gregory's hair.
- We good.
- [LAUGHING] Okay.
Attention! Attention!
- We have chosen a winner.
- Okay.
Envelope, please.
- Seriously.
- I know.
And the winner is
Courtney.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Oh, yeah! Ah-ha-ha!
Thank you, thank you.
This iscute.
To be honest,
I never thought Abbott
would be the perfect place
to test my model about
the effects of power dynamics
in competitive environments.
Shout-out to all the teachers who proved
that adults can't handle competition.
See, that's not science.
That's just mean.
- Mm.
- Nah. She's an evil genius.
Reminds me of me.
I wonder how she is at counting cards.
Hey, we need to talk.
You all right?
[APPLAUSE]
It's okay. You'll get 'em next
Next year. I finished your sentence.
I was gonna say "next time,"
- but that was clo
- Oh. Close.
Close. I got it.
All right, I'll give you that one.
- Okay.
- Come on, little buddy.
Let's get you home.
[BUTTON CLICKING]
Oh, must be out of batteries.
Someone hand me a potato.
Oh, Mr. Johnson. That's
not the remote for your robot.
What's it for, then?
Uh, that is for
Oh, my God, it's the big hose.
Oh, it's gonna blow!
Aaaaahhhh!
[VOLCANO RUMBLING]