Ally Mcbeal s04e13 Episode Script

Previously on Ally McBeal: How did you get here? - Airplane.
- Airplane? Steel thing with wings.
I don't know what to do, Ally.
Go to Detroit.
You can't take him from his mom, and he needs his dad.
- John? - Yes.
Want to walk me home tonight? I am enraptured.
It's this tiny little room.
Itty-bitty little bed.
Itty-bitty little chair.
I wanted you to see my apartment.
Do you like it? Melanie, it's magical.
I have a problem with goodbyes.
Your dream, where I left with a note? That's exactly what I'd do.
- I won't say goodbye.
I'll just Leave a note.
I will come back.
And tell me When will our eyes meet When can I touch you What's the matter? - I, he - What? - I was hallucinating.
- What? You saw Larry? No.
- Al Green? - No.
- Gloria Gaynor? - No.
Then who? Who'd you see? Barry Manilow.
Call 911.
I've been down this road Reach Out and Touch Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That I just can't hide Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Yeah, now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine a light To find my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Oh, yeah The good news is we're making money.
The bad news is I can't get enough.
John and I hired a new associate.
Rainmaker.
Big portables.
I'd like to introduce you to him now, but he's late.
Who is this person? Nobody has to feel threatened.
I love you all.
Nobody's job is in peril as we speak at ten past nine.
Nelle, you didn't complain when you came in as rainmaker.
Light drizzle that you turned out to be.
- Move along.
- Yes.
Next up on a more personal note.
This one'll never sell They'll never understand Oh, sorry.
Tickle.
You're not gonna get weird again, now that Larry's gone? Ling, I never stopped being weird.
I was just gonna extend our support in your time of newfound loneliness.
- And we're all here for you.
Yeah.
And I'm gonna find someplace else to be weird.
I beg your pardon.
I'm Jackson Duper.
Today is my first day at work here.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Welcome.
- Thank you.
Everybody is in there waiting for you.
Right.
Could you point me to the facilities? I need to - It's that way.
- Thank you.
Elaine? Elaine? Excuse me.
I'm looking for Mr.
John Cage.
John Cage? He's right over there.
Mr.
Cage? - Yes? - I have a delivery for you.
- It's from Melanie West.
- Oh, thank you.
Say, I'm spoken for.
So am I.
Happy Valentine's Day.
All right! Say, could you just excuse me for one minute? - Hey.
- Hey.
It's tough, huh? Yeah.
Well, I suppose Valentine's Day doesn't make it any easier.
Did you hear from him yet today? Yeah, we talked this morning and will again tonight.
You know, I'm fine.
Long-distance relationships have been known to work.
Absolutely.
Anyway, I have to concentrate on this annulment case, which I'm late for.
You know, John, could you do it for me? Doesn't it start today? Yes.
But truthfully, I don't think I'm going to be able to handle a case about a broken relationship right now.
So I I'm in depositions on the Burke matter.
- You don't think you can do it? - Well, I don't.
I'm sort of I'm hallucinating a little.
Hallucinating how? That's not important.
You're asking for another lawyer on the trial day.
- Ling's been second-chairing.
- I'm not ready! Oh, look.
I have never ever once asked for myself to be removed from a case before but I'm a little fragile.
What kind of hallucinations? It's been Barry Manilow.
You're off the case.
I'll need backup.
This is a tricky one.
I'll put Jackson Duper on it.
Ally, can you bring him up to speed? Yes, yes, of course.
And I completely apologize.
Well, yeah.
- I love Barry Manilow.
- You do? He's written 100 songs.
Stars today are lucky if they write two.
Well, Melanie, he's hardly what I would call "hip.
" Poop.
Ruff! Neither am I.
But I love him.
Why are you looking at me that way? Because, well, I love him too.
- Don't make fun of me.
- I'm not.
- Poop.
- And stop calling me "poop.
" I didn't mean to.
Cover your mouth.
You cover it to cough, you can do so for a "poop.
" Poop! - Do you really like Barry Manilow? - I do.
For my sexual persona, I've always gone to Barry White.
But for my solitude, it's always been Barry Manilow.
I think I'm ready to share something big with you.
What? I assure you, Ling can do this.
- With Jackson's backup - Today's the trial.
The up-to-speed thing should begin.
What's the trial about? I married a nymphomaniac.
We're annulling the marriage and suing the minister.
Joint complaints.
Why sue the minister? Because my wife was having an affair with him when he married us.
Your wife was sleeping with the minister? All right, we'd better get go - What are you doing here? - I work here.
- You're Jackson Duper? - What's going on? Excuse me.
Hey, Ling.
So, Jackson Duper, you don't tell your real name? For all I knew, you could - You knew me enough to sleep with me.
- Look - Why the alias? You "wanted"? - No.
- Not by me.
- Excellent.
Can I talk? Fine.
Quick, think up something.
- Look - Back to "look.
" - Hey - Back to "hey.
" - Ling? - How'd you know my real name? Oh, that's right.
I gave it to you.
What an odd thing to do.
What's the big secret, John? It's big.
Nobody.
Nobody has ever.
When you showed me your apartment a few weeks ago? I almost showed you then.
But even then, I You must promise never, ever to tell anybody.
My lips are Poop! Whatever.
I've seen your toilet, John.
Shh Oh.
Oh.
What is this? Well, I call it my "hole in the wall.
" It's where I come for solitude.
It's my secret hideaway.
Imagine my surprise when I saw your home.
I always thought it was a bit of a miracle to find a beautiful woman one who has Tourette's, likes small places.
But one who also loves Barry Manilow.
- Melanie? - Yeah? Will you marry me? Hello? - Are you serious? - Yes, I'm serious.
Don't tell me I'll have to wrestle your father again to get your hand.
Hello? Anybody here? Richard? I keep hearing noises.
I hope we don't have rats in the walls.
That sounded like a dog.
Even now - What? - He's He's in there.
B.
M.
? Ally, you have to confront him.
The way to fight hallucinations is to take them on.
That's what Tracy used to tell me.
Take his head off.
It's the only way to deal with ghosts.
It was watching our wedding videos that I saw it.
Saw what, sir? That the woman purporting to be my wife had a problem.
I'd like to now play the video with enhancements.
We pick it up when the ceremony finished.
Pay close attention to the bride and Rev.
Compton.
Okay.
I'm gonna blow it up even more now.
Watch the mouths.
My goodness! What happened after you saw this, Mr.
Hooper? I confronted Marsha about it.
She admitted that she and the minister had been having a horrid affair.
- I said "torrid.
" - Mrs.
Hooper.
Mr.
Hooper, you seek an annulment saying that you were never married.
Yes.
It was all a fraud.
Yes.
Well, I'm not clear how you can then be suing my client Rev.
Compton, for interfering in a marriage if you claim it never existed.
Maybe there would've been if he hadn't inserted his wet, Episcopalian tongue into the bride's mouth.
I'm not comfortable with the response.
I'll object.
Overruled.
Granted, it wasn't right for Rev.
Compton to buss your wife, but how does? Buss? You call that a buss? Your Honor - He practically bussed her tonsils! I'm not comfortable with that response.
When you confronted my client, she said she had a disease didn't she, Mr.
Hooper? - Yeah.
An infidelity disease.
Let's throw her a fundraiser.
Just answer my question.
She said she was a nymphomaniac, did she not? So what? I was there.
I betrothed my penis to her, till death or impotence do us part.
My client is a minister.
I'm not comfortable with the vulgarity.
Mr.
Milter, sit down.
You still haven't given me an answer, Melanie.
You can't propose inside the wall of a bathroom and expect a quick answer.
So you need time to think about? Come on.
I still can't believe it.
I don't know what to say.
Trust me.
- What? - He thinks the case isn't real.
I'm on this because the lead attorney is hallucinating Barry Manilow.
The minister's French-kissing the bride, who's a nymph.
All the while there's a wacky lawyer who keeps saying how he's "not comfortable.
" Now I'm beginning to wonder if It's not that I don't want to marry you, per se.
That's not it.
Then what is it? I'm not I just The idea of being institutionalized is a little repugnant to me.
Even if the institution is marriage.
- What are you talking about? - I don't believe in marriage.
- You don't believe in marriage? - No.
The custom is silly.
Then, okay, well, would you mind telling me why? I just don't think that love is something you contract.
Well You've just gone from wanting me forever to not wanting me at all? - I'm just surprised.
- Well, I love you, John.
It's not that.
Fudge.
Okay.
Well, okay.
So, what else? Oh, how's Sam? He's doing great.
- Oh, will you send him my love? - Sure.
- Right.
How's Jamie? - Oh, fine.
Aw.
Will you send her the measles? No, don't send her the measles.
You'd have to get too close.
Ally.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm really tired.
- Yeah, me too.
- Yeah? Oh, thanks for the flowers.
- You like them? - They're cute.
Well, good.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Those dreams of yours Are shining on distant shores And if they're calling you away I have no right to make you stay Look.
If you've got some scorn thing going on here Don't flatter yourself.
I have more scorn over a pimple.
- You must have one now, because - Tiny: The size of your integrity.
That's funny.
What's going on? Nothing.
I'm just gonna put it on out here, okay? Ling and I got Biblical one evening after we met in a bar.
Biblical? You prayed together? - Lf by "pray", you mean on your knees - Hey! - You had sex? - Yes.
Oh.
- Jackson Duper, meet Richard Fish.
- Yeah, I met Richard.
My boyfriend.
Oh.
Hey! Let's calm down, and think things through Don't tell me to think.
If I think, I feel pain.
Why distract myself from thinking about it, if it brings me more pain? You think, feel.
Think, feel.
Balls! Then let's just talk about it.
Talk about what? If I talk, I think, which brings me back to feeling! Talk, think, feel, pain, balls! Then I'll talk about it! You are gonna listen.
She didn't reject you.
I'm talking and you'll listen.
And don't give me any of this "think, talk, feel, pain, balls" thing.
- She's afraid of marriage, who isn't? - People.
- Quiet.
- Poop! "Poop"? That's what she does to me at the last minute.
Blames it on the Tourette's, but she does it to rattle me.
All right! No more interruptions! Are we clear? I am speaking.
Now, she loves you.
She has doubts about marriage.
If you talk to her, you cannot be defensive.
When you get defensive, you attack.
When you attack, she won't feel entitled to her feelings.
If that happens, you don't When you talk about it, you have to remind yourself over and over again that she loves you.
She slept with him.
What? Who? What "who"? The new who.
Jackson Super Duper.
She slept with him.
- Melanie did? - Ling! They met in a bar years ago.
She went to his place and concubined.
I want to beat him up.
Take him by the throat and pound him.
Who are you trying to kid? You couldn't even take Ling.
Stop it! Stop it! Richard! Richard, stop it.
You listen, Richard.
Richard! Melanie loves you and you should be grateful.
And Ling loves you.
Of course she's slept with people before.
What you two are feeling is vulnerable.
When you feel this way, the thing to do is communicate! Okay? You to Melanie, you to Ling.
And you two shake hands to make up for that shove too.
- Sorry, John.
- Me too.
- This is just - Excuse me.
- Richard in there? - Not a good time.
What is it? - This new guy.
I don't like him.
- Why? Well, to be honest, it's Elaine.
She hasn't stopped sweating since he got here.
Are we exaggerating a little? I don't know, Ally.
Why don't you tell me? It was under duress.
- Duress? - Yes.
Though I'm committed to God he created me as a man, with man's urges.
Reverend, why don't you just tell us what happened? Well, Marsha and I were planning the wedding in my office going over the ceremonial options and what for.
And suddenly, I look up from my desk and there's this areola.
- Areola? - The part of the breast surrounding I know the term.
How did this areola come? She just opened her blouse, took off her bra and wham! Plopped it right down.
- And what happened next? - I'm not proud of what happened next.
Just tell us what happened after Mrs.
Hooper unveiled her breast to you.
I licked it.
Why did you do that? As I said, I have urges, like any man.
But unlike any man, I had never had access.
Truthfully, the only breasts I'd ever seen were in National Geographics.
And they were the saggy variety.
But this one was so alive.
And right before my eyes.
Okay, you're planning the wedding.
The bride's breast falls in front of you and you lick it? What type of a minister are you? I'm not comfortable You keep saying you're not comfortable.
I have a lawyer who can't find comfort.
A nipple-licking minister talking about saggy breasts in National Geographic.
Your Honor, this is wack.
And we haven't even gotten to the nymph yet.
- Mr.
Duper - Your defense is duress? What, you just had to lick it? - Objection.
- Sustained.
- What were you thinking? - That's enough.
- God made man weak, Mr.
Duper.
- God made man weak? Don't you have rules? Isn't it written in some minister's handbook: "Thou shalt not lick the bride's left nipple"? Mr.
Duper! - Barry Manilow? - Yeah.
- You just see him? - Singing to me ever since Larry left.
Richard says that I should confront him.
He's right.
Friends with a haunted house went to a ghost specialist.
They were told to confront the ghost.
- Aggressively.
Really? Ghosts are like men.
Unless you're vicious, they haunt you.
Ally? Larry's on two.
Good.
Tell him I'll be right there.
John? May I speak with you? Upright? Wow.
You know, I do gymnastics too.
- You do? - Yet another thing we have in Richard, could you excuse us? I would, but I can't get down.
Funny.
Look, I met somebody who tics and stutters and likes gymnastics and small tiny spaces.
- And Barry Manilow.
- But? But the longer people are together, the more they see their differences.
The differences outnumber what's in common.
Since the common things have been celebrated it's the differences that The most alone people I know are married.
Some happily.
I don't even know how to respond to that.
Other than to say, how ridiculous.
Given the complex nature of the human being, the human psyche a person could spend a lifetime discovering who he himself is let alone who others are.
Given the capacity for change, for love, to grow, to nurture change.
Given how every equation of love is compounded when two people unite.
I mean, the idea that discovery, commonalities or differences could be finite I find that utterly devoid of logic not to mention hope.
Wow.
That's a lot from somebody who didn't know how to respond.
Melanie, we're at the beginning and the only thing you can feel is that all things must end.
- That's not what I'm saying.
- Oh, it is.
- Poop - Poop, yourself! If you want to turn me down, do it.
Condemn the institution of marriage.
But please, for your own sake don't reject the idea that somehow, someplace two people can make it work and be happy in the process.
I've just never seen it.
Sorry, Richard.
I don't want to talk about it.
Hi.
Nelle Porter.
We haven't met.
Jackson Duper.
You're in the men's bathroom.
- It's a unisex.
- It's a what? We all go together here.
I like a fresh bowl.
Hello, again.
Sorry.
I wasn't really in control.
I get this urge for gratification, and it overwhelms me.
I was shocked when he started licking.
My question is, did this affliction prevent you from loving Mr.
Hooper? Absolutely not.
This was not fraud.
When I walked down that aisle, I loved him.
I intended to spend my life with him.
- As I would still like to do.
- Thank you, Mrs.
Hooper.
As you planned to marry my client, as you shared the mutual intent to spend the rest of your life with him did it occur to you to say: "By the way, I'm a nymphomaniac"? - Perhaps in hindsight.
- And this isn't fraud? I was afraid if he knew, he wouldn't marry me.
- What made you think that? - Objection.
How could you not tell him? You have a medical problem.
I was afraid he would judge me.
Perhaps he'd approve.
Did that occur to you? Rev.
Compton did.
- I'm not comfortable You're here because you want alimony.
You haven't the integrity to walk away.
You've destroyed him, now you want his money? Can you diagnose your indecency? This is badgering now.
It must stop.
Well, your client was quite the little badger, now wasn't he? - I'm again not comfortable.
- All right, Mr.
Duper.
Yes, I was unfaithful.
Infidelity does not annul a marriage, Mr.
Duper.
Infidelity? Your marriage lasted three years, ma'am.
- You were unfaithful 106 times.
- It's a sickness! John? John, I know you're in there.
Let me in.
Let me in before somebody else comes in.
Do you still want to get married? I don't want to be engaged if you can't conceive of happily ever after.
I'm willing to work on it.
If ever there was a man That's not enough.
You have to believe.
Well, I said I'm willing to work on it.
Hey.
I never believed that I would find somebody to love for a year much less a whole Can we continue our courtship? I have a surprise for you.
- What? - I can't give it to you in here.
John.
I love you.
I'm willing to compound that equation with nurturing infinites Or, you know, all that stuff that you said.
Did I mention that I love you? I'm embarrassed to have pulled you from your busy lives.
This here is ridiculous.
We have a nymphomaniac who's holding out for alimony after sleeping with - How many? - A hundred and six.
A reverend, who claims he slept with the nymph under duress.
Which reverend is being sued by the wounded husband.
This is silly.
And I'm sorry for taking up your time.
And I won't take up any more, except to say that you know what you know.
There never was a marriage here.
My client never knew he was saying "I do" to a compulsive sexaholic.
There was no meeting of the minds.
Just annul it and let that be that.
Why isn't there a marriage? They took vows: "for better or worse.
" Granted, nymphomania would be "worse.
" But that is what a marital union is about.
Accepting your spouse for strengths, as well as flaws.
Since she is a nymphomaniac, and all sides are agreeing that she is how can the reverend be responsible for breaking up this union? It was going to end anyway.
I do not defend my client's tongue- insertion into the bride's mouth nor am I condoning the extracurricular activity with the - with the breast in the planning stages.
But the reverend didn't cause anything that wasn't destined to break apart.
And if it's meant to break apart, it probably has nothing to do with Duper.
Oh, you can't know that.
What is it that you love the most about her? You know, there's so many things.
No, but what do you love the most? Well, I guess it would have to be her soft, smooth skin.
Deep down, what do you love about her? Deep down? Her hair.
Do you have a sense of what Ling most loves about you? I hope it's, you know, my money.
Yeah.
Well, that seems like a pretty tough bond for Jackson Duper to crack.
Soft skin, hair and money.
Ally.
Ally.
We should be taking care of you, with Larry gone yet you're taking care of us.
Larry is not gone.
He's in Detroit.
"Hooper versus Hooper, count one: We, the jury, find that the marriage shall be dissolved.
Count two, Hooper versus Compton: We find in favor of the defendant.
" Ladies and gentlemen, this concludes your service.
Thank you.
We're adjourned.
Well, one out of two.
I wanted to nail that minister.
- Your former wife did that.
- It's a good result, Clayton.
Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
Thank you.
Thank you both.
Uh, Ling.
Considering the circumstances, maybe I shouldn't work at Cage and Fish.
It won't bother me, Jackson.
Really.
Okay.
But you are with Richard Fish, right? Yes.
I am.
Okay.
Cool.
I'll respect that.
Thank you.
Did you come to work here because of me? I don't remember.
But, Ling? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for Yeah, well.
To your first victory at Cage and Fish.
And my first defeat.
- What's going on? - It's thrilling! Sit down! - Why's the stage dark? - It's coming.
What are you up to? - Do you know? - I don't.
Wouldn't believe where I've been Surprise! To Denver and every town How did you? - Ling helped me.
- I can do anything.
I got Barry White.
Let's dance.
Come on, Richard.
It's a miracle A true blue spectacle A miracle come true Till the miracle came true Now you're here - Now, this has gone far enough.
- Ally.
- Dancin ' in the street - Ally.
I'm gonna knock him out.
Oops.
Are you for real? Are you? Lady, you want the mike that badly, ask for it.
Here.
Come on, let's go.
One, two, three, go! Come on, show us what you got! They're waiting! I really don't want to sing.
No, I don't.
Really, no.
I can't.
I almost forgot what it's like Holding you near me at night You know that I'm home to stay - 'Cause it's a miracle - Miracle A true blue spectacle A miracle come true Baby, I was goin ' crazy Till the miracle came true There'll be dancin ' in the street Everybody's gonna be dancin ' Dancin ' Dancin ' in the street - I thought he was a ghost.
A ghost? Yes, a ghost.
So I went up to the bar and the next thing I know I'm singing with Barry Manilow.
Really? I wish I could have been there.
I wish you could've been there too.
- Did he hit on you? - No, he did not hit on me.
He was a gentleman, considering he could've had me arrested.
Okay, I love you.
I do.
- Night.
- Night.
- Bye.
- Bye.
What'd he say? You know, he couldn't believe it.
He laughed.
You know, it's funny.
Is it harder than you thought? Oh, yeah.
- Well - I've got you.
That's all I need.
Thank you.
I'd rather be with Jackson Duper.
You bide your time, Renee.
Going to bed.
You stinker!