American Housewife (2016) s04e13 Episode Script

1 [Groans.]
All I do is bake, cut, jar, repeat.
I honestly can't remember my life before lasagna.
- It was us.
- You're right.
I blacked it out.
You know, if you need a break, my college is doing a walking tour of the first Connecticut Post Office.
I could see if there's still tickets.
I guarantee you there's still tickets.
Trip's gonna be here in a couple minutes, so just waffles to go.
Syrup on the side.
I don't want them to get soggy.
Greg, did you hear that? She ordered waffles.
Huh.
She didn't even want to hear the specials.
I just want breakfast to go.
I don't see the big deal.
The big deal is you always think of yourself.
I'm working my ass off to help support this family.
Okay, okay.
I didn't mean to trigger a mom rant.
Nobody mention paper straws.
Ugh! They're terrible! They get all mushy and fall apart.
And what about milkshakes? You can't even drink a milkshake anymore.
What are you doing? - Making things worse.
- [Sighs.]
Hey babe, did you get your admissions letter yet? No, but I hope it comes soon and I get accepted so I can get out of this prison.
Taylor, come on.
Sorry.
It's not a prison.
- Prisoners get breakfast.
- Ugh.
Babe, if you do get in, you'll move away from me.
That letter could change everything.
Let's not worry about it until it happens.
You're right.
We will paint that bridge when we walk over it.
We'll paint it then.
We'll paint it together.
Oliver, we're leaving.
If my admissions letter from Carnegie Mellon comes, don't open it.
- You know, Trip is right.
- [Door closes.]
If she gets in, it is gonna change everything.
I know.
The first year's tuition is $56,000.
[Groans.]
We've talked about this.
You can't kill me so you can cash in my life insurance.
It's illegal, and you'll get caught.
Oh, I would not get caught.
I would not get caught.
04x13 - The Great Cookie Challenge Kate! Nice mustache, mid-puberty Justin Bieber.
I'll take it.
[Sighs.]
That dude's yoked now.
Mm.
Greg's in his office.
[Air hisses.]
- [Paintball gun firing.]
- [Greg grunts.]
- LONNIE: [Laughs.]
- Lonnie, come on! - [Sighs.]
- Oh! What am I doing, wasting my time writing a book about this social media half-wit who contributes nothing of value to our society or the world in general? You're selling out so you can send your daughter to college.
Right.
Anna-Kat, you're gonna be late for school! I'm missing health class.
It's fine.
I don't need Ms.
Shineburg to explain why I'm starting to get B.
O.
Hey, I need you to buy a hundred boxes of Wildflower Girl cookies from me.
It's the last weekend to sell, and I'm not even close to my goal.
Oh, sure.
What's that, $500? I don't have any cash.
Grab a handful of diamonds from the vault.
We're regular people, Anna-Kat.
We live month-to-month.
We can't just throw money at problems.
Fine.
I guess I won't win the trip.
Wait.
What trip? The Wildflower Girl who sells the most cookies gets an all-expense paid family trip to Hollywood.
I haven't been on a vacation since I gave birth to you.
Oh, two weeks of bed rest at a Kaiser, baby! The vacation includes spa treatments, tickets to a game-show taping, and the hotel has a kids' club, which means after we enjoy our complimentary breakfast, you won't see me until our complimentary dinner.
[Gasps.]
Let's sell some cookies! [School bell rings.]
Got a little surprise for you.
[Gasps.]
Two tickets to the Winter Festival? Aww! That's where we had our first date.
With you maybe going to college in a few months, I thought it'd be fun to remember where it all started.
It's also where we had our first kiss.
And where we had our first funnel cake.
[Chuckles.]
Okay, I have to come clean.
I'd had funnel cake before, but I swear it meant nothing to me! [Laughs.]
I can't believe that's the guy who called Teen Help Line saying he wanted to off himself.
Yeah.
It doesn't make any sense.
He's popular, he's lettered in three sports, all the girls like him.
And a teacher actually resigned because she fell in love with him.
How cool is that? I just need to get him to open up, but I can't just approach him, because Teen Help Line is confidential.
I'm not even supposed to know who he is.
I have to get him to call back.
But how? I have no idea.
Dude, I'm sorry.
I'm hungry.
My blood shugie's muy low.
Obviously, Greg and I hope that she gets in, but we just aren't sure how we're gonna pay for it.
Katie, I can't fix your poorness.
Okay? And thinking about it is making it difficult for me to enjoy my frittata.
Why don't you give me something easier? Like, what's with the little child of yours and, um, her cake project? - You mean Anna-Kat and the cookies? - Yes.
She's trying to sell enough boxes to win a trip to Hollywood, but it's hard to compete when all the other girls buy their victories.
Ugh.
All roads lead back to poorness.
So, if you can't outspend them, outthink them.
Dust off your marketing degree and sell some cookies.
Oh, we are.
We are going to hit up the grocery stores, walk the neighborhoods Katie, that's how they sold cookies in the old days.
Make a video and hit social media like Lonnie does.
- Oooh, that's good.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, um, by the way, is Lonnie single? Doris.
I just saw that show "Mrs.
Fletcher," and I got me some ideas.
Mnh-mnh, no.
You ready? You know, sometimes I have a hard time talking my problems through.
Maybe there's something on this bulletin board that could help us.
Oooh, someone's selling Wimbledon tickets.
If you're really feeling sad, you should call Teen Help Line.
It's anonymous, and it's not some adult who doesn't get it.
It's teens talking to teens.
The best time to call is Tuesday between 5:00 and 10:00 p.
m.
Hey, Jacob! Wait up! Damn.
I don't know if he heard me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm going to Wimbledon! When I shot my buddy Turd in the nads with a paintball gun, I got to one million followers.
But the real turning point, which got me to 35 mil, was when I jumped off my garage dressed as a bird and I broke both my ankles.
I was like, "Cawww!" And then I was like, "Aaaaaah!" [Laughs.]
Fascinating.
Do you ever think you could be doing something with your fame to make a difference in the world? What do you mean? I mean, you have a platform which reaches millions of young people.
You could have a real impact.
I think if we're gonna be writing a book about you, we need to be saying something more substantial.
Maybe you're right.
I'll give it some thought.
Hey, guys, if you like what you see, remember to smash that like button.
- Lonnie, are you filming this? - Yeah.
It's my new video series called "Deep Talks with Professor Badonkadonk.
" For the last time, my ass isn't that big.
These are thick-ribbed corduroys.
I'm heading to the edge of the driveway to sell cookies.
The days of old-school selling are over.
We are going to shoot a video and make it go viral.
Can I have 100 bucks? Is there a rich person standing behind me? I want to spring for dinner at Winter Fest tomorrow tonight.
Trip got the tickets, and I thought it'd be a nice gesture.
Aw, babe, you don't have to do that.
She's not going to do that.
I don't see the problem.
You have your own company, and Dad is writing some book.
For now, all the money that I make goes right back into the business.
And your dad doesn't get paid until his book is published.
All you guys do is say no.
That is not true.
Sometimes I say "I've got to think about it," - then I say no.
- [Door opens.]
- What's going in here? I'm trying to work.
- It's your daughter.
Despite our mediocre-at-best efforts, she has turned into a spoiled brat.
Ugh! I am so sick of this! I can't wait to move out and go to college! I can wait.
You don't even know if you're getting in yet.
You're about to find out.
The letter from Carnegie Mellon came.
And Mom, here's another warning from the library.
You've gotta return "Gone Girl.
" I will finish in my own damn time.
- Are you going to open it? - Yeah, open it.
Not now.
If I get in, Trip will be sad.
But if I don't get in, then I'll be sad.
Either way, our night at the festival is ruined.
You know what? I'll leave it here and open it later.
If I don't know, I don't have to worry about it.
Are you sure, babe? Patience is a dish best served cold.
It is, babe.
It's best served cold.
[Sighs.]
Nope.
It's Trip.
[Door opens.]
Oh, sorry, I keep a running tab in my head of which one of them is dumber.
[Groans.]
We came to you because you are the expert for Internet videos.
Well, I like to start by brainstorming ideas.
Franklin, say the first thing that comes to mind.
Uh, dragons.
Balloons.
Mermaids.
Volcanos.
The movie "Soapdish" Okay, good work.
Take a break.
Anna-Kat? How about a claymation video? - Do you even know how to do that? - No.
Okay, good work.
Take a break.
Kate.
Dragons.
Balloons.
Mermaids.
[Anna-Kat laughs.]
[Muffled.]
I fit 14 cookies into my mouth.
How many cookies can you fit in your mouth? This kid's a genius.
[Muffled.]
Hi, I'm Anna-Kat Otto, and I have 10 cookies in my mouth.
Can you beat me? Take my Wildflower Girls Cookie Challenge and find out.
[Ding!.]
Order your cookies under Anna-Kat Otto on the Wildflower Girls website and challenge your friends.
It's official.
The Wildflower Girls Cookie Challenge has launched.
Awesome.
But maybe we should re-edit to include a link to my podcast, "Getting Frank With Franklin.
" Guess who next week's guest is? Me.
It's always me.
TRIP: This is great.
I don't know about you, but I'm not thinking about that letter at all.
What letter? The letter from Carnegie Mellon.
Oh, I know.
I was just pretending I didn't know because that's how little I'm thinking about it.
You're such a good actress.
You're totally getting in.
Stop! Let's just keep having fun and not think about Carnegie Mellon.
Hi! Uh, what's your flavor of the day? Melon.
Oh, God.
[Telephones ringing, indistinct chatter.]
Oh, hey, Deborah.
How was your weekend? It was good, but challenging.
Okay.
Great.
I got into a fight with my mother about boundaries.
She doesn't want me stopping by her apartment anymore.
Okay.
Well, it sounds like you worked through it.
Actually, I didn't.
It's just, there's all this stuff, all this pressure, you know? I mean Teen Help Line.
Please have a lengthy problem.
WILL: Hey, man.
I called and talked to you last week.
Hey! I mean, hey.
I'm glad you called back.
Yeah.
Maybe this was a mistake.
No, no, it's good you called.
Is everything okay? I just feel like I have to tell someone, you know? Y For sure.
This is a safe space, so you can say whatever you want.
Hello? You still there? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm still here.
I just never said this out loud before [Exhales sharply.]
to myself or anyone.
But, um Uh I think I'm gay.
I mean No [Inhales sharply.]
I'm gay.
Um, I'm gay.
That was great.
You did great.
I can't believe I just said that.
You know, I know what a big deal this is for you, but you're not alone.
There are a lot of teens who have gone through this and come out the other side just fine.
And they're not popular football players like you.
How do you know I play football? Uh, I-I don't.
It says here in the script.
I say, "You're a football player" to guys and "You're a volleyball player" to girls.
I thought this was a national hotline.
It's local? Do you go to my school? No! Look, Will You know who I am?! - Uhhh - You're that kid.
You're that kid by the bulletin board! You don't have to worry.
I'm not gonna tell anybody.
Yeah, I'll make sure of that.
Hello? Will? I-I mean, anonymous caller? [Sighs.]
Can I have a pretzel? Sorry, honey.
She wants a pretzel.
Just let her.
Did you hear that? The mom said, "Let her.
" As in "admissions letter"? [Sighs.]
We're clearly not gonna have any fun.
Let's just go home, open the letter, - and get it over with.
- "Letter.
" You just said "letter"! There it is again! [Scoffs.]
- [Laughs.]
- Ow! Ah! You know that phrase "It never gets old"? That does not apply here.
Oh, I actually took your advice about making an impact.
I shot a video where I handed out money to people.
Oh.
It wasn't real money, they were Lonnie Bucks, but they are redeemable on my website for some sick merch, bro.
That's 10 million Lonnie Bucks.
You're halfway to a T-shirt with paintball splats on it.
I already have six of those.
Lonnie, I appreciate that you're trying, but making a difference means doing something for someone else that doesn't benefit yourself.
[Scoffs.]
I don't get your generation.
We came for more cookies! Yep.
We sold out again.
I saw your video.
So creative.
I guess when you have no other resources, you have to use the ol' noodle, huh? - [Chuckles.]
- Mm.
I took your cookie challenge, Anna-Kat.
I hope you win.
You're not going to, though.
Because however many boxes you sell, I'm going to have my dad buy one more so I win.
Why would you do that? Because my mom and I like to win things.
- Right, Mom? - You got it, baby! Do you even want that vacation? Oh, Katie.
The Los Angeles thing? [Chuckles.]
That's not a vacation.
I just have some errands to run out there.
I'm sorry, Anna-Kat.
But you should be proud of yourself.
You tried to win the contest the right way, and at the end of the day, that's what's most important.
I already know that lesson.
I wanted to learn a new lesson, the one where I work hard and get a great trip.
There'll be other trips.
No.
Not really.
I just wanted a real vacation before my big sister goes away to college and changes our family forever.
Oh, sweetie.
This was gonna be our last big memory when we're all together.
[Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
It's like a paintball to your heart, right, Kate? - Run.
- Yep.
- Hey, you.
- [Car door closes.]
Will, wait! I don't want to die in a pair of Kirkland jeans.
You better keep your mouth shut.
Of course.
And I know this is easy for me to say, but I don't think it will ruin your life if people know you're gay.
Will you shut up? Look, you You don't know what it's like.
There are expectations of me at home, at school, with my friends and my teammates.
Yeah, and all those people care about you.
Honestly, if you come out, I really believe everyone will support you.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Well, I guess there's only one way for you to find out.
Yeah, I guess.
[Car door opens, closes.]
TRIP: Hey.
I know that you've been dying to open that letter but you waited because you didn't want to ruin our night.
That's what I love about you you always put other people first.
I'll miss you, but I really hope you get in.
Taylor, wait.
I don't have anything else.
I've just seen that happen a lot in movies.
[Laughs.]
Oh.
How was the festival? Uh, not great.
No matter how hard we tried, we couldn't stop thinking about the letter.
[Sighs.]
I'm gonna take this to my room and open it alone.
I suppose we should probably talk about how we're gonna pay for Carnegie Mellon if she gets in.
Obviously, there's no way we can afford this.
[Sighs.]
Maybe your business will take off and my book will be a success? That's at least a year away.
How are we going to pay for it in the meantime? I do have 10 million Lonnie Bucks.
[Groans.]
She's our kid.
I guess we'll figure it out.
We'll just work until we die.
And there's that lady at the grocery store who said she'd pay anything to have my hair.
I really hope she gets in.
Me too.
Well? They said no.
- Oh.
- Oh, sweetie.
I'm so sorry.
It is their loss.
Your audition tape was amazing.
You can re-apply next year, right? Yeah.
I guess.
I know how much you wanted this.
If it's any consolation, I couldn't really wear a college sweatshirt that said "Carnegie Mellon" with these.
Hey, do you have something to tell me? No.
Do you have something to tell me? Mom and Dad said you didn't get into Carnegie Mellon.
Why'd you lie? What are you talking about? I steamed open your admissions letter, - read it, and sealed it back up.
- What?! I open all the important mail that comes to the house.
I'm still hoping my real parents are trying to find me.
- Oliver! - I don't understand.
You got in.
This is your dream.
[Sighs.]
Trip told me that I always put other people first, but you know what? I haven't been, especially with Mom and Dad.
I overheard them talking about how they can't afford college right now.
So, I put them first.
I'm gonna tell Carnegie Mellon I'll come next year.
And in the meantime, I'll get a job and help them pay for it.
Now, do you have something to tell me? What are you talking about? Your new Instagram account.
What? "Hey, everybody, it's Oliver Otto.
I got some advice today, and I've decided to take it.
It's time the world knows the real me.
I'm gay.
" It's everywhere.
Oh A kid from our school called Teen Help Line and told me he was gay, but he's afraid to come out.
I let it slip that I knew who he was.
He must be doing this preemptively in case I was gonna out him.
So, you're not gay? No.
Are you gonna post something denying it? No.
Well, what about everyone at school? Hopefully they'll be cool with it, just like I told him they would be.
You think? I guess we're gonna find out.
[Chuckles.]
Look at you being a good person.
- You too.
- I know! What is happening to us? I think we're letting Mom and Dad's homespun middle-class values corrupt us.
Damn them.
Am I allowed to boo when they announce Paris as the winner? Of course, honey.
But pretend to be tying your shoe so they don't know where it's coming from.
Okay, Wildflower Girls.
The moment is finally here.
Time to announce the top three sellers! In third place, with 112 boxes sold, Elaine Johnson! [Chuckles.]
And in second place, with 642 boxes sold, Paris! [Cheers and applause.]
Wait.
No, what? That That's That's not right.
That should say first place.
Um And in first With 87,416 boxes sold, Anna-Kat Otto? [All gasp.]
[Applause.]
[Laughs.]
What? How did this happen? Aaaaand 35! I took the Anna-Kat Otto Wildflower Girls Cookie Challenge, and so should you! [Laughs.]
Click the link right here to get your own cookies from Anna-Kat.
And for every box you guys buy, I'll donate $5 to a local food pantry.
Let's make a difference! Whoa, that's awesome, Lonnie! When did you post that? About an hour ago.
I saw how much it meant to Anna-Kat to win that vacation for your family.
And I figured the food pantry thing was a good way to help the community.
You're growing as a person.
I'm proud of you.
Yeah.
Cool.
Pudding balloon.
Is that slang? What does that mean? No.
I'm throwing a pudding balloon at you.
[Grunts.]
[Laughs.]
At least the things you're throwing at me are getting softer.
I appreciate that.
[Laughs.]
Who cares how it happened? We won! We're going on a real-people vacation! [Both chuckle.]
[Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
ALL: [Muffled.]
Now you should take the Anna-Kat Cookie Challenge!