Black-ish (2014) s04e13 Episode Script

1 DRE: Everyone has a morning routine.
For a doctor like Bow, that routine used to start early.
[ALARM CLOCK SOUNDS.]
Farmer early.
She got dressed in the dark so I could sleep, which is something I would have done for her.
Probably.
Maybe.
- [SCREAMS.]
- Baby.
Take my wife! Take my wife! Dre, what is going on? Nothing I didn't think you were a home invader.
Oh, my God.
She left way before the kids got up, but she did what she could in order to see them.
I love you.
And I love you.
- Have a good day, mommy.
- Peace.
Bye, guys.
Bye! Oh, okay.
This feels slightly unprofessional.
You will feel less angry in 5, 4, 3 Bye.
With Bow out the door by 5:00 and saving lives by 6:00, mornings were my thing, and I was good at my thing.
All right, waffle up! What? This is still frozen.
Come on, it's 7:25! However you look now is how you're gonna go to school! You can be late.
But now that Bow was home full time and not working, things were starting to change.
All right, however you look now is how you're going to school.
Hey, where'd you get that? Mom made it.
I made it.
Jack, no crust, Diane, crust, and, Junior, don't forget that you are driving carpool after school today.
I put cheese sticks in the car last night.
I am ready to go.
You're leaving cheese in a hot car all day long? Didn't think it through.
These are the hands you're putting our lives in? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, that reminds me.
Forgot my driving gloves.
DIANE: Really? Driving gloves? - Hey, babe.
- DRE: Hm? I would be happy to pick up your dry-cleaning between doing our taxes four months early and putting traps out for that gopher that's been tearing up our yard.
Oh.
Well, it seems like you have all of this under control.
- RAINBOW: Mm.
- What do I do? - Whatever you want, sweetie.
- Oh.
Mwah! With the house to myself, I did what any man would do when he's left alone with his own shameful desires.
WHOOPI: respected your daughter.
I'm just saying, man, don't do that.
We didn't do that.
- You better tell 'em, Whoopi! - We made it a point, because Security guard just waved me in, guys.
[LAUGHS.]
I am a regular now.
I can actually smuggle something into the school, - like a knife or or a peanut.
- Shh! Don't say "peanut" around here.
You want to get us killed? Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Hey, guys, let's take a selfie.
Let's Wait.
Let's tak Hey! Okay, we can take it out there.
Wait for me, though, guys.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Most moms stay in the car.
- I know.
I just want to take a quick selfie of us - for the 'gram - Bye, Mom.
for Instagram.
Okay, bye.
Okay, you know what? I'll just take it of your backs.
It's #dropoffqueen.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, Rainbow.
Oh, hey! - You look amazing.
- Oh, thank you.
[LAUGHS.]
Staying home has worked wonders for those bags under your eyes.
- They're almost gone.
- Thank you? Will you please join us for yoga today? - Oh - Please? Oh, God, guys, like I told you last week, I'm just I'm really busy doing all the stuff I've been, like, dying to do for the last 18 years.
- An affair? - Plastic surgery? Telling your father you deserved to be loved? The reason that I stopped working is not to do yoga.
It was actually I just really want to spend time with my kids, so Well, of course.
That's why I took a break from neurosurgery and Kayla left her law firm.
- Yes.
- Oh.
But you need to make time for self-care.
When I first started at home, I tried to do everything, and I had a teeny-tiny heart attack in Whole Foods.
Come on, Bow.
You don't want to end up twitching on the floor of the kombucha aisle, - do you? - [LAUGHS.]
No, I don't.
Then join us.
You know the yoga class that Zoe Kravitz teaches in "Big Little Lies?" - Oh, uh-huh.
- Ours is based on that.
- Oh.
- [LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
I mean, gosh, I guess I can take, like, one yoga class.
- Yay! - [LAUGHS.]
You guys are, like, really good at peer pressure.
Thank you.
I was a cheerleader.
- Ha! Ha! Morning.
- Oh, why are you in such a good mood? Did a new Tyler Perry movie come out today? Well, there's a new Tyler Perry movie out every day, but that's why I'm in a good mood.
Thanks to Bow staying home, I had the whole morning to myself.
- Oh! - Oh.
I, too, had the morning to myself.
Had poached eggs on toast at home, visited an ATM, took a spin class, just in case the police ask.
If they don't ask, I punched Justin Bieber.
At least I hope that was Justin Bieber.
Hey, come on, having your wife at home is the best, isn't it? What else what else is she doing for you? Well, it's more about her being home for the kids.
Okay, that's just insane, okay? The whole point of keeping your woman at home is that she takes care of you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Like mine she cooks my meals for me, she keeps a spotless toilet, and she does it all in a sexy maid outfit.
That's because she's your maid.
Was my maid.
I promoted her to wife.
The key point here, Dre, is I don't have to pay her anymore.
Yeah, Dre, my lady, she used to make me three meals a day, fold my laundry, take me to karate All right, are you talking about your mother? Not if you think it's weird.
[GRUNTS.]
[SCOFFS.]
Bieber's in Dallas.
Turns out the guy in front of Starbucks selling incense wasn't him.
[SIGHS.]
Wasted a punch.
Thanks for riding up front.
I couldn't do another day with Mason.
What would you do if I chucked this thermos through the windshield? What would you do if I called the police and said you kidnapped me? What would you do if I opened my mouth and a snake came out? I just hope Jack isn't too annoyed.
What kind of snake? Cobra, obviously.
Wow.
You're really making me think.
I guess I'd want to know how the snake got in your mouth.
Good question.
So So So this car has all-wheel drive, and it has the heated steering wheel.
It's 80 degrees outside.
This is fun.
We don't usually get to kick it, - so let's kick it.
- [SIGHS.]
Please stop saying "kick it.
" Yeah, sure.
Uh tons of other stuff to talk about.
Let's let the conversation find us.
Yep.
Silence could work, too.
Jack, what would you do if I opened the door and just rolled out of this moving car? - Are you good at rolling? - No.
What would you do if I opened my lunch box and it was just full of wasps? [BUZZES.]
What would he do if I gagged him with his seat belt? [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- Finally shut the heck up? - [LAUGHS.]
What would he do if I opened my mouth and a fist came out and it punched him right in the face? [LAUGHS.]
Damn, we are bad.
I'mma hit the gas.
Let's see what 25 feels like.
[BABY COOS.]
Devante, what are you doing down here by yourself? Oh, hey, Black Nanny Two.
My name is Erica.
Your wife had me wear a name tag for two weeks.
For what? I'm not gonna forget that your name is Black Nanny Two.
And this is why you don't drop out of college with only three credits left.
Hey, little man.
Hey, Erica.
- Hey.
- Hey, honey.
Hey, baby.
Um did somebody get their hair did? - I did.
- Oh, looking good.
Feeling good.
I went to yoga.
- Mm.
- And then I went to the farmer's market, and I tried, like, 17 different kinds of hummus.
- You got the hummus? - Nah, I didn't get any.
Oh.
That's okay.
Oh, babe, I'm sorry.
I forgot to pick up your dry-cleaning, - but I will do it tomorrow.
- No, it's okay.
- No rush.
It's cool.
- Okay.
All right.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Mom.
- BOTH: Hey, Mom.
- Hey.
You know, Diane is a delight.
Diane from "Cheers"? Uh, Diane Keaton? Diane Sawyer? No, our Diane.
We had a lot of fun today.
Okay.
Babe! You did get some hummus.
No, it's pure garlic.
Sounds like that's your problem.
[SMACKS LIPS.]
Yeah, nunh-unh.
DRE: So Bow was home, and I couldn't be happier.
I got a new 'do.
Baby, you should walk around the block so the neighbors can see how hot you look.
[LAUGHS.]
You're cute.
Ooh, seriously, babe, get out there.
Yeah She was taking time for herself and her yoga class Oh, hey.
and her hair It's only been three days since the last one.
Mm.
Is it safe to have that much heat on your scalp? and her nails - Got wet nails, wet nails! - [GROANS.]
Hi, honey.
Hi, honey.
- Black Nanny Two.
- It's Erica.
But not time for the necessities that a family needs for survival, like my clothing.
[SIGHS.]
It's okay, baby.
You can sleep in today.
I'll just get ready for my day at work.
[STOMPING LOUDLY.]
[TOOTHBRUSH BUZZING, STOMPING LOUDLY.]
Huh, really? [RAZOR AND TOOTHBRUSH BUZZING, STOMPING LOUDLY.]
[TOOTHBRUSH AND RAZOR BUZZING.]
What are you doing? Oh.
I'm just getting ready for my day.
I'm sorry.
Did I wake you? - Yeah.
- Hm.
- [GROANS.]
- Oh, look at that.
It's almost 7:00.
Don't you think you're cutting it kind of close? Mnh-mnh.
Erica's bringing the twins to school.
Who? - Black Nanny Two? - Oh.
Don't you think you should be the one that's taking them to school? Does it matter as long as it gets done? Plus I have yoga with Blair and the girls.
- The stay-at-homes? - Mm-hmm.
You look down on them like I look down on Under Armour shoes.
Oh, Dre, I don't have that kind of hate in my heart for anyone.
It's not hate.
It's just that Steph Curry thinks we can't tell he'd rather be in Jordans.
Okay, listen.
I know I said stuff about those moms, but I actually have a lot in common with them.
Hm.
And I would really like to get a little bit more sleep before yoga.
So can you turn the light out for me on your way out? [SIGHS.]
Sure, babe.
Thank you, sweetie.
[LIGHT SWITCH CLICKING.]
- Seriously? - Namaste.
[STOMPS LOUDLY.]
[SCOFFS.]
God.
I'm sorry, I was just talking about All right.
Get it out.
Say what y'all are thinking.
I've been eating small bites of your lunch for three years.
I'm cheating on my maid I tell people my dad adopted you and Charlie and we all grew up together in an apartment.
What? I'm talking about my clothes.
This is clearly a Fri-Dre look being worn on a Thurs-Dre.
- Oh! - Right.
Right.
So, then why are you wearing it? [SIGHS.]
Because Bow hasn't picked up my cleaning in weeks.
All I keep thinking about is my poor little Gucci sweater there at night, sandwiched in between - a Karl Kani jacket and a bedspread.
- [SIGHS HEAVILY.]
You're supposed to clean your bedspread? Dre, a land-owning man can't pick up laundry.
Now, you need to have a stern word with Bow, and do not be shy about threatening to take away her healthcare.
I can't do that.
Oh, right, right.
'Cause you married for love, like an idiot.
No.
I can't say anything because I'm the one who pushed for her to stay at home.
Oh, please.
You can say whatever you want to a woman if you have proof of her neglecting her duties.
Now, you have a home-security camera? Yeah.
We have a Nest.
But I don't see how that's gonna Let's go watch your wife immediately.
What? Oh, penny for your thoughts on Mason.
Ladies first.
Okay, Mason's parents wrote a note and put it in his pocket that says "if found, don't call.
" [LAUGHS.]
He for sure squeezed a bird to death.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
All righty, Mason.
See you tomorrow.
- DIANE: Bye.
- The bird was sick when I found it! Mason, wait! Not cool, guys.
Seriously.
Not cool.
That was harsh.
- I guess he heard us.
- Yeah, he heard you.
Oh, well.
I've never been the kid running away from a carpool in tears.
This doesn't feel familiar at all.
He would've been eaten by bigger birds.
I did that bird a favor.
Mm.
Okay, she's not doing anything.
Bow is just sitting there on the couch.
Yeah, she is.
Whoa, hey, is that a delivery man? Ooh, I wonder what she bought.
This is so exciting! If the wish I made on that loose eyelash came true, that right there is a box of leotards.
What? STEVENS: Wow, that's a generous tip.
Okay, that's enough spying on my wife for the day.
- Mm-hmm.
- Charlie.
So, uh[CLEARS THROAT.]
same time tomorrow? I knew spying on Bow was wrong, but I real bad feeling about what was in that box.
Wow.
[SCREAMS HAPPILY.]
Right? It's actually exactly like the one in my yoga class.
- Isn't it soothing? - Sure.
You know, if you want water and electricity near a baby.
- You don't like it.
- No, it just doesn't fit the California casual style of our living room, babe.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Does it? Okay, well, I just feel like I'm the one that's home all the time, so I should get to choose what it looks like.
Okay, I get it.
But moving forward, can you at least check with me before you buy something like this again? [LAUGHING.]
Check with you? What? I mean, you know, take a picture of it with the price tag and send it to me, and I'll let you know if it's cool.
Since when have I had to run my purchases by you? You don't.
But maybe since it's money that I make that's both of ours, it comes from the job that I go to every day to make that money that's both of ours, maybe we could talk about things like this before you make these decisions on your own.
So, are you saying that this is your money? No.
Did you hear how many words I said to not say that? I heard it, too, Bow.
Leave his ass.
Okay, whoa, okay.
Okay, Dre.
You're the one that wanted me to stay home.
Yes, but I thought you'd be doing a lot more than this.
- What do you mean? - Okay.
For starters, not sleeping all morning.
I had no idea you were monitoring my time, Dre.
What exactly do you want me to be doing? I-I don't know.
You know, stuff around the house? You know, since I have to get up and go to work every day, maybe you could get up and - and make me breakfast.
- What? I have never made you breakfast.
I know.
But I thought maybe now that you had the time, you'd want to.
- We've been married for 20 years.
- Mm-hmm.
So you thought I was gonna get some free time and just, like, magically become a different person? - Yes.
- Oh, God.
Get away from me.
Okay, well, no.
But, babe, you've got to start doing something.
What? [SCOFFS.]
A kept woman isn't a good look on you.
A kept woman? Okay, it seems as if - I've struck a chord with you black side.
- Oh, my God.
Is it possible that I can talk to your white side No.
No.
- Bow? - A kept woman? Unbelievable.
Bow, that's not what I was Damn it.
[WATER TRICKLING.]
Shut up, fountain.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS.]
Damn it.
WOMAN: Going to battery-operated mode.
How much did she pay for this thing? Hey.
You got a minute? You mean 59 more seconds than it took the Lord to create Mason? - Wow, that's good.
- Yeah.
But I can't keep doing this anymore.
What are you talking about? I can't keep making fun of Mason with you.
What, because he cried? We toughened him up.
Imagine if I was able to taunt you at his age.
You'd be captain of the football team.
Or dead.
Either way, a full page in the yearbook.
I appreciate that, but it's over, Diane.
I've already apologized to Mason and his family and taught his mom how to use Excel.
But I hope you and I can find something else in common.
Choke on it, weirdo.
This feels right.
I don't know why I'm supposed to feel bad for asking her to do more around the house.
She's home.
I'm gonna tell you a very wise thing my father and three of my uncles told me.
When a long-term marriage hits a snag, bounce.
What? No.
Dre, thank you.
I took your advice, and I switched to Nest so I can track my maid my wife all day long.
Hey, that's not what I told you to do.
No, no, no, you're right.
Our wives need to be held accountable for their days.
That's not what I was saying.
Look, when we're here and they're there, they need to be as productive as we are.
Oh, guys, by the way, massages at 4:00 today.
I don't need her to be accountable.
I just want her to do the things I want her to do when I want her to do them.
Oh, my God.
I'm you.
Mm, with, uh one important difference.
Are you eating my lunch? Does it look Now why would you think that? N-No, no.
Hey.
Oh, sorry, I'm so sorry.
- I shouldn't be sitting.
- Bow.
- I haven't earned my break yet.
- Bow.
No, no, no, I will go get a pencil and I will write down your breakfast order.
- Babe, babe.
- So, ye Oh.
- Sit down, please.
- Sure.
Do some laundry or something - I just want to say that - Mm? I'm sorry I got all crazy.
It's just that when you said you'd stay home, I didn't expect it to be like this.
Obviously.
To tell the truth, I spent all my time imagining what you being home would be like for me and the kids and not what it would be like for you.
Sweetheart, this is the first break that I have had - in 18 years.
- I know.
So maybe I got a little, you know, high on the free time, went a little little overboard, but it's gonna balance out eventually.
- I'm gonna have to learn to roll with it.
- Yeah.
- But it's gonna take a minute.
- Okay.
And I know you're used to me being easygoing [SCOFFS.]
flexible, and cool with change, but [SNORTS, CHUCKLES.]
- What? - Yes.
You are not the guy who picketed Subway when they started toasting the bread.
- Somebody had to stand up for Quiznos.
- Of course.
And Togo's gets no respect.
Right, of course.
- But this, I'm cool with.
- Okay.
And I would be even cooler if we could get rid of that fountain.
Oh.
Fountain's gone.
I was peeing constantly.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, did you send me a box of leotards? What? No.
Oh.
So weird.
I didn't order them.
They all fit, though.
Hm.
So Bow found a way to balance her self-care with childcare.
Then what did you say? - I said, "Get out.
" - Good for you.
- Yeah.
- Good for you! Don't think of it as him being out of your life.
Think about it as you being into yours.
Yeah, you're worth it, Tina.
- Thank you.
- So worth it.
You know what? I will do the 10-minute foot massage.
- That is such a good call.
- Yeah.
Okay, guys.
As soon as we're done here, we got to go over to soccer.
DIANE: [SIGHS.]
Ooh, you know what? We really should've done the mani-pedis after the game.
Yeah.
I am not putting goalie gloves over these acrylics.
No.