Childrens Hospital (2010) s04e13 Episode Script
Wisedocs
Hey, chief.
What are you up to? Oh, man.
I am getting the hell out of here just as fast as these crippled old legs can carry me.
This is my day off, bitches! Whoo! Yeah.
Yeah, I give her about an hour to figure out an excuse to get back in here.
She hates leaving here, you know? Are you really asking if I know? Or is that just rhetorical? You don't give a rat's ass as to whether or not I know or don't know about how chief hates leaving this place! Damn you! Come on.
Take it easy, you mamaluke.
I need to check in.
Ooh.
We only treat children here.
I don't see an issue here.
This person's 5 years old.
Yeah.
Dori.
Um, let's check in this child This 5-year-old child who I'm sure has I.
D.
proving his age.
Oh.
I always have trouble guessing people's ages -- mostly with hilarious results.
You'll see.
Now, what seems to be the problem, young man? I fell on a bullet.
Kids.
Well, you're making real progress, Douglas.
Tell me, does it hurt when I do this? You are worthless.
Yes.
That hurts.
Did someone say they needed a hero or is that just the theme music that's always playing in my head? Detective Chance Briggs, you velvet, poker-playing bulldog -- What's my old partner doing here? I got put on desk duty for losing my hearing.
Since when is hearing important for a cop? Since a juvie perp yelled "don't shoot" and I shot him.
I can't believe they would strip Lt.
Chance Briggs of his badge because he can't hear a little.
And can you believe they would strip Lt.
Chance Briggs -- you just said that, didn't you? I did.
I thought you did but my hearing is completely shot, just like that juvie perp.
So you're taking the next logical step -- coming here to become a doctor so you can cure yourself.
If I heard you correctly, yes, I am.
Well, allow me to show you around.
I'm going to teach you everything you need to know about doctoring.
It's a date! But not a date date.
I know.
Pssst! Pssst! Sy! Sy! Eh, eh.
Eeeeeh! On behalf of the family, here's a little something for the hospitality, eh? It's money! Hey, Dookie! You ruined the surprise! Listen.
Could we not make food in here? Sy, relax.
It's nothing! We just got a little Italian sausage, some peppers, some ground beef, some tomatoes, some onions, some gabagool, some basil, some oregano, sautéed chicken livers.
I got some beautiful wasabi, olive oil, sliced, thin garlic and a pinch of salt to taste -- it's nothin'! Yeah, Sy.
You worry too much.
It's bad for your pores.
Hey, do me a favor.
Take this and go build a new wing.
Or a leg! Or a thigh! Or an addition! Or an annex! Dummy.
We're making a joke here.
- No, you -- you said - You broke the joke, you stunad! My own kid.
I'm way over my head.
I hate days off.
I'm addicted to doctoring.
When I was young, I ran a shoe-shine stand at a local hospital just so I could be around it.
Now I spend my days off watching kids, hoping they hurt themselves.
Yes!! Don't worry, little girl! I'm a doctor! I can save you! You're choking! I will give you the gift of life! Dueling days off, I guess, huh, chief? Tough luck.
Now, why don't you go get your shine box? Huh? Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Aah! Oh! Aah! We got a 10-year-old girl with abdominal pains.
What's the call? - Well, I guess I would - No, Briggs.
Come on.
What's the call? Think! OkayI do something like I'd put her on a monoclonal antibody full-service platform and an h7n7-ha Elisa kit.
Not bad at all.
You were hesitant at first, but once you got going, you showed a surprising knowledge of medicine.
Now you're giving a look like, "hey, I think I know that guy.
" Man, I am really nailing what's happening from moment to moment.
Attention, staff.
I'm going to go get the papers.
That is all.
That is all.
You guys are all so big for five.
What are your mommies feeding you? Gabagool.
You guys are like Popeye and these gabagools are spinach.
What is gabagool? I don't know.
It could be spinach.
Cat, I am in way over my head.
Every time I go into that room, they pull me in deeper.
It's like I want to get out of that room, but they keep pulling me back into the room.
Now, Sy, you just need to know how to speak to them.
Let me show you.
Watch.
Hi.
I'm Dr.
Cat Black and -- Shhh! My dad's napping.
He naps for five minutes every hour.
He says it's good for the skin.
Really? Does he have any advice for split ends? Ooh.
Yeah, actually, he says you should only brush your hair once a day, and only in the middle of the night when your hair is asleep so you could sneak up on it.
Yeah, but, see, that wouldn't work for me because my hair has insomnia and always has.
You're really fun to talk to.
Yeah.
It's funny -- I came in here to broker peace for Sy, but God, you're not like these other guys.
You've got kind eyes and no sense of humor.
What's your name? Dookie.
Okay.
Dookie.
Dookie.
Wow.
What's your name? Cat.
Cat -- like the animal, the cat? Yeah.
God, you're cute.
The only thing I don't like about you is that wife-beater.
You mean my dad? No, I know.
Okay! I'm up! Let's go! Back to business! I'll see you around, Dookie.
Hey, not -- not if I see you around first, before you see me around.
Hi.
Some of the parents are getting a little suspicious.
You need more money, Sy? Give him some money.
No.
No.
No.
Don't -- don't do that.
No.
I-I feel like I've made a mistake, and I mean this is the nicest way -- I need you to leave.
Sylvester Hiram Mittleman.
That's Italian, ain't it? It's Sicilian.
Well, okay.
I am now officially gonna open up the books.
You -- you are now a made man.
No.
Look.
What's yoursis mine.
Never go against the family, Sy.
Capiche? Oh.
Papa Senori.
This guy looks just like crime boss Frankie Ciavaterri, but this guy is 5 and Frankie has got to be at least 65.
It doesn't add up.
I'm gonna question him.
Ah, Briggs, it's not your job anymore.
Briggs, did you hear me? Yeah, I did.
I was just pretending not to.
Holster that weapon, doctor.
In this hospital, we don't fight with bullets.
We fight with these.
Whoops.
Wrong hand.
We fight with these.
Ah, pills.
That hits home.
Now, let's go save some ass.
I had to get the kid to the hospital, punch in, treat her, locate her family, get back to the park, get Blake's body, and dissolve it in a drum of acid.
Bullet's lodged in his shoulder.
He lost a lot of blood.
I'm gonna need more gauze.
Briggs -- more gauze! Get your own gauze! I'm a cop, Owen -- not a doctor.
And if that means I have to lie to my bosses that I have the ability to perceive sound, so be it! Officer Chance Briggs requesting backup.
We got a 10-87 over at Childrens! Hey! Oh.
Human cat.
Hey, dookie.
My dad says that I should ask you out.
Really? Are you sure your family won't care if we dated? Because, keep in my mind, I'm Jewish and I'm terrible at keeping secrets.
Why would they care about that? Oh, dookie.
Eeeh-o.
Oh.
Mmm.
W-wow! I can't wait to tell my dad I'm in love with some blabbermouth Jew broad who kisses like a black chick! I know she's in there! Everyone, there is a whore in recovery room 2! How you doin'? You're under arrest.
No.
No.
He's not like them.
He's different.
No.
I'm not, Cat.
But you have such a kind heart.
I have a learning disability.
Tomato, tomahto.
Who says "tomahto"? Wealthy people, British waiters, Frasier's brother -- I have been making my gravy since I'm little -- I never heard no one say "tomahto.
" Goodbye, human cat -- or in your people's language, "meow.
" Meow.
Ah-ha.
Finally.
Uh-oh -- the pigs.
Briggs, I took you under my wing Owen, I'm a partially deaf cop.
Cut me open with a scalpel or shoot me with a .
38, but root around inside that bloody hole that you just made and you'll find that I'm police officer through and through.
Officer! Oh, thank God! Chief tried to kill me! Luckily, she missed every major organ by millimeters! But I could easily have been thought of by most as dead! What did you say? You're dead?! No.
Officers, he's dead, and he's still walking! He must be a zombie! Shoot to kill! No! Briggs! Briggs! Briggs! Briggs, you got it all wrong! You're right.
We have to destroy the zombie's brain! Go for the head! You are under arrest for turning Dr.
Blake Downs into a zombie.
What?! What are you talking about? He's not a zombie! Not anymore, he's not.
What are you, deaf? No.
No, I'm not.
This meeting has come to order.
We have come to a decision.
Chief, the board finds you innocent of turning Dr.
Blake Downs into a zombie.
But we find you guilty of attempting to practice medicine on your day off.
Your medical license is hereby revoked for the period of one month.
The hardest thing for me was to leave the life.
I loved being a doctor.
We did what we wanted.
When I was out of patients to treat, I'd just go out and hurt some kids and treat them.
It was all ours for the taking.
Now it's all over.
And I have to live the rest of this month like a shnook.
I want it all from the bright lights of Vegas to the steps of the great China wall I want it all from champagne in Paris to the best show that you ever saw at Carnegie Hall yeah, you know me and I want it all Attention, staff.
The members of the board may unfreeze now.
That is all.
What are you up to? Oh, man.
I am getting the hell out of here just as fast as these crippled old legs can carry me.
This is my day off, bitches! Whoo! Yeah.
Yeah, I give her about an hour to figure out an excuse to get back in here.
She hates leaving here, you know? Are you really asking if I know? Or is that just rhetorical? You don't give a rat's ass as to whether or not I know or don't know about how chief hates leaving this place! Damn you! Come on.
Take it easy, you mamaluke.
I need to check in.
Ooh.
We only treat children here.
I don't see an issue here.
This person's 5 years old.
Yeah.
Dori.
Um, let's check in this child This 5-year-old child who I'm sure has I.
D.
proving his age.
Oh.
I always have trouble guessing people's ages -- mostly with hilarious results.
You'll see.
Now, what seems to be the problem, young man? I fell on a bullet.
Kids.
Well, you're making real progress, Douglas.
Tell me, does it hurt when I do this? You are worthless.
Yes.
That hurts.
Did someone say they needed a hero or is that just the theme music that's always playing in my head? Detective Chance Briggs, you velvet, poker-playing bulldog -- What's my old partner doing here? I got put on desk duty for losing my hearing.
Since when is hearing important for a cop? Since a juvie perp yelled "don't shoot" and I shot him.
I can't believe they would strip Lt.
Chance Briggs of his badge because he can't hear a little.
And can you believe they would strip Lt.
Chance Briggs -- you just said that, didn't you? I did.
I thought you did but my hearing is completely shot, just like that juvie perp.
So you're taking the next logical step -- coming here to become a doctor so you can cure yourself.
If I heard you correctly, yes, I am.
Well, allow me to show you around.
I'm going to teach you everything you need to know about doctoring.
It's a date! But not a date date.
I know.
Pssst! Pssst! Sy! Sy! Eh, eh.
Eeeeeh! On behalf of the family, here's a little something for the hospitality, eh? It's money! Hey, Dookie! You ruined the surprise! Listen.
Could we not make food in here? Sy, relax.
It's nothing! We just got a little Italian sausage, some peppers, some ground beef, some tomatoes, some onions, some gabagool, some basil, some oregano, sautéed chicken livers.
I got some beautiful wasabi, olive oil, sliced, thin garlic and a pinch of salt to taste -- it's nothin'! Yeah, Sy.
You worry too much.
It's bad for your pores.
Hey, do me a favor.
Take this and go build a new wing.
Or a leg! Or a thigh! Or an addition! Or an annex! Dummy.
We're making a joke here.
- No, you -- you said - You broke the joke, you stunad! My own kid.
I'm way over my head.
I hate days off.
I'm addicted to doctoring.
When I was young, I ran a shoe-shine stand at a local hospital just so I could be around it.
Now I spend my days off watching kids, hoping they hurt themselves.
Yes!! Don't worry, little girl! I'm a doctor! I can save you! You're choking! I will give you the gift of life! Dueling days off, I guess, huh, chief? Tough luck.
Now, why don't you go get your shine box? Huh? Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Aah! Oh! Aah! We got a 10-year-old girl with abdominal pains.
What's the call? - Well, I guess I would - No, Briggs.
Come on.
What's the call? Think! OkayI do something like I'd put her on a monoclonal antibody full-service platform and an h7n7-ha Elisa kit.
Not bad at all.
You were hesitant at first, but once you got going, you showed a surprising knowledge of medicine.
Now you're giving a look like, "hey, I think I know that guy.
" Man, I am really nailing what's happening from moment to moment.
Attention, staff.
I'm going to go get the papers.
That is all.
That is all.
You guys are all so big for five.
What are your mommies feeding you? Gabagool.
You guys are like Popeye and these gabagools are spinach.
What is gabagool? I don't know.
It could be spinach.
Cat, I am in way over my head.
Every time I go into that room, they pull me in deeper.
It's like I want to get out of that room, but they keep pulling me back into the room.
Now, Sy, you just need to know how to speak to them.
Let me show you.
Watch.
Hi.
I'm Dr.
Cat Black and -- Shhh! My dad's napping.
He naps for five minutes every hour.
He says it's good for the skin.
Really? Does he have any advice for split ends? Ooh.
Yeah, actually, he says you should only brush your hair once a day, and only in the middle of the night when your hair is asleep so you could sneak up on it.
Yeah, but, see, that wouldn't work for me because my hair has insomnia and always has.
You're really fun to talk to.
Yeah.
It's funny -- I came in here to broker peace for Sy, but God, you're not like these other guys.
You've got kind eyes and no sense of humor.
What's your name? Dookie.
Okay.
Dookie.
Dookie.
Wow.
What's your name? Cat.
Cat -- like the animal, the cat? Yeah.
God, you're cute.
The only thing I don't like about you is that wife-beater.
You mean my dad? No, I know.
Okay! I'm up! Let's go! Back to business! I'll see you around, Dookie.
Hey, not -- not if I see you around first, before you see me around.
Hi.
Some of the parents are getting a little suspicious.
You need more money, Sy? Give him some money.
No.
No.
No.
Don't -- don't do that.
No.
I-I feel like I've made a mistake, and I mean this is the nicest way -- I need you to leave.
Sylvester Hiram Mittleman.
That's Italian, ain't it? It's Sicilian.
Well, okay.
I am now officially gonna open up the books.
You -- you are now a made man.
No.
Look.
What's yoursis mine.
Never go against the family, Sy.
Capiche? Oh.
Papa Senori.
This guy looks just like crime boss Frankie Ciavaterri, but this guy is 5 and Frankie has got to be at least 65.
It doesn't add up.
I'm gonna question him.
Ah, Briggs, it's not your job anymore.
Briggs, did you hear me? Yeah, I did.
I was just pretending not to.
Holster that weapon, doctor.
In this hospital, we don't fight with bullets.
We fight with these.
Whoops.
Wrong hand.
We fight with these.
Ah, pills.
That hits home.
Now, let's go save some ass.
I had to get the kid to the hospital, punch in, treat her, locate her family, get back to the park, get Blake's body, and dissolve it in a drum of acid.
Bullet's lodged in his shoulder.
He lost a lot of blood.
I'm gonna need more gauze.
Briggs -- more gauze! Get your own gauze! I'm a cop, Owen -- not a doctor.
And if that means I have to lie to my bosses that I have the ability to perceive sound, so be it! Officer Chance Briggs requesting backup.
We got a 10-87 over at Childrens! Hey! Oh.
Human cat.
Hey, dookie.
My dad says that I should ask you out.
Really? Are you sure your family won't care if we dated? Because, keep in my mind, I'm Jewish and I'm terrible at keeping secrets.
Why would they care about that? Oh, dookie.
Eeeh-o.
Oh.
Mmm.
W-wow! I can't wait to tell my dad I'm in love with some blabbermouth Jew broad who kisses like a black chick! I know she's in there! Everyone, there is a whore in recovery room 2! How you doin'? You're under arrest.
No.
No.
He's not like them.
He's different.
No.
I'm not, Cat.
But you have such a kind heart.
I have a learning disability.
Tomato, tomahto.
Who says "tomahto"? Wealthy people, British waiters, Frasier's brother -- I have been making my gravy since I'm little -- I never heard no one say "tomahto.
" Goodbye, human cat -- or in your people's language, "meow.
" Meow.
Ah-ha.
Finally.
Uh-oh -- the pigs.
Briggs, I took you under my wing Owen, I'm a partially deaf cop.
Cut me open with a scalpel or shoot me with a .
38, but root around inside that bloody hole that you just made and you'll find that I'm police officer through and through.
Officer! Oh, thank God! Chief tried to kill me! Luckily, she missed every major organ by millimeters! But I could easily have been thought of by most as dead! What did you say? You're dead?! No.
Officers, he's dead, and he's still walking! He must be a zombie! Shoot to kill! No! Briggs! Briggs! Briggs! Briggs, you got it all wrong! You're right.
We have to destroy the zombie's brain! Go for the head! You are under arrest for turning Dr.
Blake Downs into a zombie.
What?! What are you talking about? He's not a zombie! Not anymore, he's not.
What are you, deaf? No.
No, I'm not.
This meeting has come to order.
We have come to a decision.
Chief, the board finds you innocent of turning Dr.
Blake Downs into a zombie.
But we find you guilty of attempting to practice medicine on your day off.
Your medical license is hereby revoked for the period of one month.
The hardest thing for me was to leave the life.
I loved being a doctor.
We did what we wanted.
When I was out of patients to treat, I'd just go out and hurt some kids and treat them.
It was all ours for the taking.
Now it's all over.
And I have to live the rest of this month like a shnook.
I want it all from the bright lights of Vegas to the steps of the great China wall I want it all from champagne in Paris to the best show that you ever saw at Carnegie Hall yeah, you know me and I want it all Attention, staff.
The members of the board may unfreeze now.
That is all.