Corner Gas (2004) s04e13 Episode Script

The place looks great, Gil.
You really turned it around.
Got a big crew, too.
Some of them are a little young.
It's a u-pick-it, Oscar.
Huh? Yeah, I was losin' money hand over fist.
Then I put up a u-pick-it sign at the road.
Now people pay me to harvest the berries.
Holy hell.
There's plenty of carrots over there.
Fill up your bags.
My garden! This stuff was goin' to waste just buried in the ground.
I got almost It'll cost ya a lot more than that.
I took a shrub.
I hope that's okay.
Yeah.
* You can tell me that your dog ran away * * Then tell me that it took three days * * I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say * * You think there's not a lot goin' on * * Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong * * And that's why you can stay so long * * Where there's not a lot goin' on * I'm just saying I should be able to wear earrings.
Not on the job.
In a struggle, the earrings give the other guy the advantage.
Hank, if I wore earrings, could you take me in a fight? Well, that depends.
If I got the jump on you, I'd You'd choke me.
You'd pretend to choke.
I think he is choking.
We should do that thing, uh, the Heinlich manoeuvre.
Did you say Heinlich manoeuvre? It's Heimlich, with an "m.
" I did say Heinlich, didn't I? Oh, what a day.
It's spelled with "m" and you said it with an "n.
" I know.
What's my deal? Remember that time I said "irregardlessly"? You saved my life.
Yeah.
What's that make it, the eighth time? The first time with a pickle well, a sweet pickle.
Don't you guys know how to do the Heimlich manoeuvre? We know how to say it.
I'm gonna go wash this off.
That's right, safety first.
Lacey, true or false? Your health is important to you.
Okay.
I'll pay for the magazine.
You don't have to threaten me.
No.
I mean as a busy professional, you don't always have time to eat.
Wanda, I work in a kitchen, surrounded by food, all day.
Yeah.
But you don't want to eat that crap.
That's why you need Organo meal replacement bars.
Made in Uzbekistan.
Really? I mean, yeah.
Leave it to the Uzbekians.
They really know how to replace a meal.
What are you sellin', bars now? It's a job I've taken up.
I pay you to work here.
And I still do.
But now I have a job at work.
Do you want to sell them at The Ruby? If I sign you up, I get them at a reduced rate.
Oh, okay.
Is this one of those pyramid scams? No.
It's a multilevel marketing scam.
Man, these don't have nougat in them or anything.
It's got soy.
That's like the anti-nougat.
If nougat and soy were ever to touch, we'd all be vaporized.
I don't agree with Brent's vaporizing theory, but I do have a bad feeling about these.
Great.
So I should sign you up for what, two dozen boxes? How about I just leave? How about you? I only replace meals with other meals.
You call yourselves police officers, but you don't have a basic understanding of first aid? I'm very disappointed in you.
What about you? Do you know first aid? I thought she did.
I'm sending you both to the city to take a first aid course, this weekend.
So you don't know first aid either? Nope.
I had a feelin' about you.
Mm, I had the same feelin' about you.
I was just afraid to say anything.
If people knew about this They won't know.
I'll pick you up Saturday, we'll go to the hotel.
We'll be back to work on Monday.
Okay.
See ya, partner.
I think Karen and Davis might be having some kind of thing, a fling, a, a secret romantic fling, thing.
A fling thing.
In a house, with a mouse? I'm serious.
They have a relationship.
In a box, with a fox? You can doubt it if you want.
But they are going to a hotel together this weekend.
Really?Mm-hmm.
That is weird.
I wonder how they'll get there.
On a plane, on a train, on a boat, with goat? Do you know anything that rhymes with immature? Legislature? Have you figured out how you're going to pay for all this? I don't have to pay for it.
I can do it myself.
I already fixed your shrubs.
Yeah.
About that, you planted them upside down.
Well, how am I supposed to know how they go? You got all these stupid rules.
You and Karen, you've been through a lot together.
It must make ya closer to a person.
I guess you can say we've been in some sticky situations.
I'm outta stickies.
Here.
Thanks.
This door is sticky.
Can't help.
Hands are all sticky.
What's that in the ditch? Is that a stick? Well, it's stick-ey.
Are we heroes? I'd say, yes.
Well, I think it's nice.
And don't worry, I am very discreet.
What was that about? Goin' on about how we're heroes.
Hmm.
Must be desperate for tips.
Normally we hire Hank to do the census.
I got experience.
On the other hand, normally Hank screws it up somehow.
Granted.
On the other, other hand, Oscar, you're Oscar.
So, you can see my dilemma.
But I need the cash.
Shrubs don't grow on trees.
We'll decide the scientific way, with an aptitude test.
Is this the kinda thing where I have to fill a cup? No, no.
it's a written test.
Hand me the cup.
Okay, time's up.
Let's see how ya did.
Hank? You drew a picture of a caveman.
It's a shark.
And Oscar, you've been reading a copy of Chatelaine, from 1983.
I was figuring out my sass factor.
Well, I call that a tie.
Congratulations.
You're both hired.
Just 'cause a shark's holdin' a club doesn't mean he's a caveman.
By the way, I filled this.
Okay, look, I want you to quit this job.
Really? I suppose it would give me more time to concentrate on selling these bars.
It's been a slice.
What? What? No, whoa, whoa! I mean quit the bar one.
Seriously, how much can you make selling soy non-nougat bars? Holy moly! Holy moly? Who are ya, L'il Abner? Sorry.
I get wholesome when I'm flustered.
That's a lot of cash.
This is how much I could make if I sign up reps to work for me.
Heavens to Murgatroyd! Well, if you're hiring, I could sell these bars for ya.
I mean, I-I love soy.
I'm like a soy-a-holic.
Gee Whillikers, that's tasty.
Would you like me to teach you some grown up curse words? I got lots.
Let's get one thing straight.
I work alone and I don't need some hotshot whiz kid tellin' me how to count people.
I know how it goes down.
You don't know how it goes down or even when it goes down.
It just went down and you didn't know.
You don't know me, where I'm from, what my sass factor is.
It doesn't matter.
Out here it's different.
You need to forget everything you learned in training.
What training? I like your attitude.
Whoo.
Let's make this happen.
Don't feel bad, Davis.
Every first aid course has a winner and every first aid course has a loser.
Why do you have to turn everything into a contest? Not everything has to be a bet.
Hey, let's make this into a contest.
Whoever does better wins, like a bet.
A deal's a deal.
You had to buy me earrings and I get to wear them to work.
Hope you choke on a pickle.
You can replace a whole meal with these.
Are you saying my cooking's bad? No.
I'm just-I'm saying sometimes you might rather eat a pressed bar of soy from Uzbekistan.
Stay away from me.
Thanks, Mom.
Hey.
Still don't believe me about Karen and Davis? I so don't believe you.
My disbelief is like an iron fortress of disbelief, patrolled by Superman.
And he doesn't believe you either.
Check it out.
Here's your stupid earrings.
Hah-ha-ha-haah.
Thank you, sucker.
Good gravy.
I guess Superman should spin his webs on back to the bat cave.
You don't read a lot of comic books, do ya? Evenin', ma'am.
Census.
We'd just like to ask you a few questions.
Headcount.
One and a half.
Let's go.
Headcount? What kinda hotshot stunt was that? It worked, didn't it? Yeah, it worked this time.
You're lucky.
Now, go wait in the truck.
Headcount.
I'll give ya this, rookie.
You got guts.
Okay, how are the numbers over there, people? Let's hear from Team A.
Uh, I'm the-I'm the only one here.
Let's go.
You're wasting everybody's time.
Oh, well, I didn't know we were going to do this so soon.
Uh, okay.
Well, uh, looking at the raw data, and rounding up, uh, zero.
Wow.
Disappointing results from Team A.
Remember, there is no "I" in "team.
" I'm the only one on the team.
And you wonder why you failed.
Everyone else, Team A is a good example of what not to do.
Okay, I don't want to do this anymore.
Okay, okay.
Wait.
I've got something even you should be able to sell.
Chocolate Organo bars? How can something chocolate be good for you? It's a trick, isn't it? Are bats gonna fly out of this? You always think bats are gonna fly out of everything.
Wouldn't put it past 'em.
Sleep all upside downy.
Rule number one.
Never use your own stash.
Can I feed this to my team? I remember this place.
They give me trouble every year.
What do we do? Follow my play.
How many people in the house, ma'am? Oscar, don't waste my time.
You think this is a joke? This is the census, lady.
Look, don't make me mad! I'll fly off the handle! I'll lose it! I'll snap! Okay, calm down, pal! My partner's a loose cannon.
I can't control him.
Help yourself out while you still can.
How many people here? It's gonna be one if you don't get off my step.
Okay, we got it.
Let's roll.
I like your new root bush.
This is humiliating.
My partner, Constable Jangle Ears.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I can't hear you over the sound of my ears jangling.
Laugh if you want.
But people are going to be weirded out by this.
Karen, I like those earrings.
Pretty classy.
I'm not hungry.
Did I say the wrong thing? He's a little sensitive right now.
I'm sorry.
I said that I would be discreet.
What? I shouldn't have said anything.
I gotta hand it to ya, rook.
You weren't half bad out there.
Remember we went to that one house and asked how many people there were, and then they told us? You can't make that stuff up.
Three and a half people.
That's all you counted? You're both fired.
You don't know how it goes down in the street.
You sit here behind your desk.
I don't have a desk.
It's a door on two filing cabinets.
Oh.
Well, you should have one.
You're the mayor.
If he goes, I go.
I want you to go.
I'm firing you both.
I can't do it without him.
You can't do it with him.
You're both fired.
So, when do we meet our new partners? I want to apologize about yesterday.
Oh, the soup wasn't that bad.
I mean it was kinda salty.
Ah, it was really salty.
Okay.
You're saying bad things about my soup.
But I understand.
It's only because you're hurting.
Huh? About what I said to you and Davis.
I said I'd be discreet and then yesterday I hit a sore spot.
Is this about my earrings? I am going to make a special dinner tonight.
Why don't you come, bring Davis, and you guys can work things out.
Oh, all right.
But no soup.
Again, it's irrational that you'd say bad things about my soup.
But go ahead, vent.
And don't worry, I'll be discreet.
There's a phrase you don't normally hear yelled across a room.
What's up with Jangle Ears? Karen and Davis had a fight.
I think they might break up.
Well, maybe it's for the best.
But it's love.
You don't know that.
I'm making a romantic dinner tonight to try and help win Davis back.
It can be hard on a relationship when you try and keep it secret.
I hear ya, sister.
Lacey's cooking a romantic dinner for Davis.
Huh? She said she's trying to win him back.
Uh-huh? She said it's hard to keep a romance secret.
What are you nattering about? Put the pieces together.
Romantic dinner.
Win him back.
Secret romance.
You're fired, Oscar.
That Fitzy's a jackass.
What? Oh, gimme a second.
Hah-ha! That's better.
Yup, the census, it's a young man's game.
You gotta watch your health.
I almost choked on a pickle.
I know.
I was there.
No, after that.
You choked on another pickle? No, same one.
So what's new in the world of civilians? I run a gas station now.
I knew that.
Did you know Karen and Davis are dating each other? What? No! Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
Whoa.
No! Yeah.
Heard it right from the horse's mouth.
I heard it from Lacey.
There was no talking horse.
But they're like brother and sister.
That's like Donny dating Marie.
That's gross.
This coming from a guy who re-eats pickles.
Ah, I gotta go walk this off.
Brent, I to need you to deliver an order to the Lepinski farm.
I don't wanna go way out there.
An order is an order.
Business only works is if you follow the chain of command.
All right.
Well, clean the freezer while I'm gone.
Yeah, right.
Make another wish.
Here, two boxes of Organo bars.
Here's your box of Organo bars.
I thought there was supposed to be two.
I just ate one box.
Trust me, you don't want to eat two.
Look, I've been thinkin' about the earrings, and maybe they are sorta weirding people out.
Here.
What am I going to do with stupid earrings? Just don't wear 'em on the job.
Really? Thanks, Davis.
Davis gave earrings to Karen.
You mean to Lacey.
No, Karen.
She's the blonde one.
To Karen? Davis is playing the field, that dirty dog.
A cop with earrings.
Another way Fitzy's lettin' this town go to hell in a hand basket.
A hand basket, yet! Census.
Census? But Fitzy already came by.
Fitzy.
I'm doing my own census.
How many people here? I'm a loose cannon.
I can't control me.
You ate a whole box? How is that even possible? Well, not the wrappers.
And the box itself is still fine.
I never shoulda hired you.
It's your fault.
Well, back to work.
That kinda sloppiness might be okay here at work, but not on the job.
You're fired.
Yeah? Well, if I can't do my job at work, neither can you.
Fine.
Fine.
So it's a stalemate, then.
Indeed.
There sure is a lot of free time here when neither one of us is working.
It takes you back, doesn't it? Yeah.
I thought there would be more people.
Well, that wouldn't be very romantic.
Romantic? That food looks good.
Come on.
Emma, we're closed.
This will just take a minute.
Lacey, I don't know how to tell you this, but Davis has been seeing Karen.
I know.
You know? And yet you're still doing this for him? Lacey, have you no self-respect? He's not worth it.
Worth what? Oh, try the fish.
Hank, we're closed.
I've got somethin' to say.
Karen, don't come here tryin' to win Davis back.
He's two timing ya with Lacey.
What? Bread stick? No, thank you.
Just move on, Karen.
It's over.
Actually, I will have a bread stick, thank you.
Davis didn't leave Karen for me.
No, he left you for Karen.
Geez, Davis, how many girlfriends you got? I dunno.
I told ya it'd get weird.
Pass the risotto?Oh.
Who cares what the population is? It's just a number.
It's not just a number.
There's a higher purpose.
Folks on the highway need to know how many people they're driving past.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to unveil the results of this year's census, which I had to do myself.
Dog River's population is exactly No! Don't listen to Fitzy! I got the results of the real census, the people's census! Well, what is it? About 500.
Oscar.
Maybe he's right.
Yeah, this town does have about 500 people.
Oscar's a hero.
Ya done me proud, rook.
Ya done me proud.
Closed Captioning by Closed Captioning Services Inc.
* I don't know the same things you don't know * * I don't know I just don't know * * It's a great big place * full of nothin' but space * and it's my happy place * I don't know Yes you do * * You just won't admit it Want to have a gas online? Visit us at cornergas.
com * I don't know * I just don't know *