Doug (1991) s04e13 Episode Script

[ yelps]
[ barks]
[ electric guitar playing]
[ man singing scat]
[ barks]
COOL! WHOA!
[ thwack]
[ barks]
Doug:
GOOD OLD BLUFFINGTON SCHOOL.
IT WAS HARD TO BELIEVE THAT
SOON I'D BE LEAVING IT FOR GOOD.
THREE DAYS, MAN.
THREE DAYS.
OH, THREE DAYS.
THREE DAYS IN THREE DAYS,
WE WERE GRADUATING.
WHOO-HOO!
SAYONARA,SUCKERS.
I'VE DONE MY TIME.
I'M OUT OF HERE.
EVERYBODY WAS REALLY EXCITED
EXCEPT ONE PERSON--
ME.
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
DOUG ♪
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
HEY, MAN.
WHY THE LONG FACE?
I DON'T KNOW, SKEET.
I JUST FEEL FUNNY.
CHEER UP, MAN.
THREE MORE DAYS
AND IT'S GOOD-BYE
BLUFFINGTON SCHOOL.
I KNOW, BUT I
STILL FEEL DOWN.
TALK TO MR. SHELLACKY ABOUT IT.
THE GUIDANCE COUNSELOR.
WE CONSULTED
HIM BEFORE.
AND LOOK AT US NOW.
HOW ABOU
MR. BONE?
HE ALWAYS
STRAIGHTENS ME OUT.
WHAT ABOU
PRINCIPAL BUTTSAVITCH?
HE'S A GREAT GUY.
YEAH, HE GOT US
THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER BACK.
AND NEW VOLLEYBALLS.
AND THE PLANETARIUM.
WHEN THE LAB BLEW UP
HE PULLED SKUNKY BEAUMON
OUT OF THE FLAMES.
SOUNDS LIKE YOUR MAN.
WHY DON'T WE ALL
GO SEE HIM?
All:
YEAH, LET'S GO SEE HIM.
Bone:
N-O SPELLS NO.
YOU CAN'T SEE
THE PRINCIPAL.
Beebe:
COULDN'T WE SEE HIM
FOR A FEW MINUTES?
THE PRINCIPAL
IS TOO BUSY
RUNNING THIS SCHOOL
TO WASTE TIME
TALKING TO STUDENTS.
BUT IT'S FOR DOUG.
MAN, THAT'S TOO BAD.
I WAS LOOKING
FORWARD TO IT.
I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM.
NEITHER HAVE I.
ME NEITHER.
HAS ANYONE SEEN HIM?
All:
NO.
HOW MYSTERIOUS.
HOW MYSTERIOUS.
WOW! NOBODY'S EVER SEEN HIM.
I WONDER WHAT HE'S LIKE.
WHY DO YOU DISTURB ME?
W-W-WE WANTED TO CHEER
DOUG UP, AND WE THOUGHT
WHO IS DOUG?
I AM, SIR.
HOW CAN YOU
BE UNHAPPY?
YOU'RE JUST ABOU
TO GRADUATE.
YES, I KNOW, SIR.
I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHY
BUT I CAN'T GET EXCITED
LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT?
YOU JUST NEED THE SAME THING
ALL OTHER KIDS HAVE.
HERE, TAKE THIS.
WHAT'S THAT?
OPEN IT.
SEE IF IT DOESN'
MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
COME ON!
OPEN IT, OPEN IT,
OPEN IT, OPEN IT
[ ringing]
I'VE GOT TO FIND HIM.
Boy:
TWO DAYS!
Patti:
TWO DAYS!
OH, REMEMBER THE
BUMPKIN HOEDOWN?
MAN, THAT WAS SO
LAME?
All:
YEAH, LAME.
HEY, DOUG, WILL YOU
SIGN MY YEARBOOK?
WHAT?
OH, YEAH, SURE.
LISTEN, I'VE
FIGURED IT ALL OUT.
WE CAN DO IT, BU
I'LL NEED YOUR HELP.
HERE'S THE PLAN.
THE PLAN
TO DO WHAT?
TO SEE PRINCIPAL
BUTTSAVITCH.
OH, YEAH, I FORGO
ALL ABOUT THAT.
Patti:
WHAT'S YOUR PLAN?
[ Doug whispers]
OW, DOUG.
SORRY, I'M TRYING
TO FIGURE OUT WHICH WINDOW.
A LITTLE HIGHER.
GOT IT.
[ girls squealing]
Girl:
SOMEBODY'S PEEKING
IN THE GIRLS' BATHROOM!
[ Doug screams]
Bone:
SINCE YOU GRADUATE
THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW
I'LL OVERLOOK
THESE LITTLE MONKEYSHINES.
DON'T THANK ME.
JUST SCRAM!
IF WE HIDE
IN THE LOUNGE
LET'S FORGET IT.
WE GRADUATE IN TWO DAYS.
YEAH, TWO DAYS!
TWO DAYS.
BUT
EVERYBODY WAS DROPPING OUT.
NOBODY WANTED TO FIND
THE PRINCIPAL BUT ME.
Patti:
DOUG!
WHY DON'T WE JUS
FORGET ABOUT IT?
WE'RE GRADUATING IN TWO DAYS!
BUT IT'S JUST A FEW MORE FEET.
[ straining]
[ straining]
[ screams]
THERE WAS ONE DAY LEFT.
I WOULD HAVE TO DO IT ALONE.
Boy:
WE'RE REALLY GOING TO MISS YOU
SO WE MADE YOU THIS CARD.
OH, LOOK, YOU ALL SIGNED IT.
ROGER, "SAYONARA,SUCKERS"
IS TWO WORDS.
WHERE IS DOUG'S NAME?
WE COULDN'T FIND HIM.
COULDN'T FIND HIM?
THAT'S FUNNY.
WHERE DO YOU THINK HE IS?
[ grunts]
PACKAGE.
TO WHOM IS I
ADDRESSED?
[ sneezes]
GEE, LOOKS
LIKE IT'S
CAN YOU READ THAT?
BU BUTSY BUM
BUR BUN BIN
IT MUST BE THOSE
NEW VOLLEYBALLS.
MAYBE IF I SNEAK INTO HIS CAR.
Wingo:
THERE YOU ARE.
YOU DIDN'T COME
TO THE CLASS PARTY.
I WAS WORRIED
I WOULDN'T SEE YOU AGAIN.
WOULDN'T SEE ME AGAIN?
TODAY'S THE LAST DAY.
I WANTED TO TELL YOU
HOW MUCH I'LL MISS YOU.
IT WON'T BE THE SAME
WITHOUT YOU, DOUG.
GOOD-BYES ALWAYS
MAKE ME A BIT TEARY.
SEEING ALL MY STUDENTS
GROWING UP, GOING OFF FOREVER
WHAT AM I GETTING
ALL WEEPY FOR?
I'M SURE YOU'RE VERY EXCITED
ABOUT GRADUATING.
EXCITED, YEAH.
[ all chattering]
HEY, THIS HAS BEEN GREAT,
HASN'T IT?
WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING?
DON'T YOU REALIZE WE'RE BEING
SUCKED INTO A BLACK HOLE?
WHAT ARE YOU
LOOKING FORWARD TO?
TWO DAYS!
I'VE GOT TO FIND THE CAPTAIN.
CAPTAIN BUTTSAVITCH!
CAPTAIN BUTTSAVITCH!
CAPTAIN BUTTSAVITCH?
WHERE ARE YOU?
Mrs. Funnie:
DOUGLAS, WAKE UP.
YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS
YOUR OWN GRADUATION.
Wingo:
AND WE ARE REMINDED OF THE
ETERNAL CYCLE OF OLD AND NEW.
MY LITTLE BABY.
MY LITTLE HONEY PIE.
Wingo:
IN THAT SPIRI
WE'VE PREPARED A LITTLE
MUSICAL TRIBUTE FOR YOU ALL.
CHILDREN
POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE ♪
I CAN'T BELIEVE
DOUG ISN'T HERE.
WHERE DO YOU
THINK HE IS?
HE'S PROBABLY JUS
FIXING HIS TIE.
IF I DIDN'T FIND THE PRINCIPAL
NOW, IT'D BE TOO LATE.
WHEW!
GRR, LITTLE KIDS
GRR, I'M GLAD
IT'S GRADUATION.
GRR, I NEED
A VACATION.
[ clears throat]
TODAY WE ARE
TO GRADUATE.
BUT WHAT DOES
GRADUATION
REALLY MEAN?
THE DICTIONARY
DEFINES
THEY'RE GONE FOR GOOD,
THE LITTLE BRATS ♪
THEY'RE NEVER COMING BACK ♪
GOOD RIDDANCE,
HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY ♪
AFTER ALL THE
PAGEANTRY AND REVELS
WE COME AT LAS
TO THE GRAND FINALE.
WHEN I CALL YOUR NAME,
COME UP AND GET YOUR DIPLOMA.
IT'S GOT TO BE HERE SOMEWHERE.
[ squeals]
MR. BUTTSAVITCH?
MR. BUTTSAVITCH?
MR. BUTT-- ?
ROGER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK,
LAME BRAIN?
ROGER, YOU'RE NOT HIDING OU
FROM GRADUATION, ARE YOU?
LISTEN, I'VE BEEN
IN THE SIXTH GRADE
FOR THREE YEARS.
I PRACTICALLY RUN THIS PLACE.
THERE AIN'T A KID IN THIS SCHOOL
AIN'T AFRAID OF ME.
NOW WE GO TO JUNIOR HIGH,
AND WHO AM I, HUH?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY
ONE GOING, ROGER.
WE'RE ALL GOING
TO THE SAME PLACE.
THE TEACHERS
AND THE BUILDING
WILL BE DIFFEREN
AND THAT COULD
MAKE YOU UNHAPPY
YEAH, THAT COULD MAKE YOU
SCARED TO GRADUATE.
BUT PATTI WILL BE THERE
AND EVERYBODY ELSE.
I'VE GOT NOTHING
TO BE AFRAID OF.
JUNIOR HIGH
WILL BE GREAT.
GOOD POINT.
WE'LL ALL BE TOGETHER.
YEAH, TOGETHER.
COME ON,
WE'D BETTER HURRY.
IF WORSE COMES
TO WORSE
I CAN ALWAYS
PICK ON YOU.
[ chuckling]
[ stammering:]
JOANNE BUSEFALIS
WHERE'S DOUG?
HE'S GOING
TO MISS HIS TURN.
ROGER'S MISSING, TOO.
WHERE COULD THEY BE?
YOU MISSED
THE PRINCIPAL.
HE WAS HERE?
HE GAVE A GREAT SPEECH.
WE TRIED TO FIND YOU.
WE KNEW HOW MUCH
YOU WANTED TO SEE HIM.
OH, WELL, NO BIG DEAL.
DOUG?
DOUG?
WHAT?
HUH?
DOUGLAS YANCEY FUNNIE.
Doug:
EXCUSE ME,
I GOT TO GO GRADUATE.
[ applause]
WAY TO GO, DOUG.
GO GET 'EM, DOUG.
SEE YOU IN JUNIOR HIGH.
WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT
TO GO SOMEPLACE NEW
IT CAN BE KIND OF SCARY.
YOU WANT SOMEBODY MATURE
TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING
WILL BE ALL RIGHT.
BUT I FOUND OUT TODAY
THAT MORE MATURE PERSON WAS
ME.
HEY, DOUG!
WE'RE ALL GOING TO
THE HONKER BURGER TO CELEBRATE.
All:
HONKER BURGER!
[ laughing]
Doug:
I TOLD YOU SO, JUDY.
LISTEN, TWERP,
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
Mrs. Funnie:
JUDITH, DOUGLAS
BOTH OF YOU STOP I
THIS INSTANT.
YOUR FATHER IS TRYING
TO FIND THE
RIGHT TURN-OFF
AND THIS ISN'T HELPING.
I KNOW THE RIGH
TURN-OFF, DEAR.
I AM NOTLOST.
IF WE HAD STOPPED
TO ASK AT THAT TRUCK STOP
WE'D KNOW IF THIS WAS
THE RIGHT ROAD.
I TOLD YOU, I KNOW
WHERE WE'RE GOING.
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!
MYFAULT?
YOU DON'
KNOW ANYTHING.
OH, SHUT UP.
WHAT HAVE I TOLD?
[ truck horn honking]
[ all scream]
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
DOUG ♪
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ yelps]
Doug:
IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE
THIS WHOLE THING STARTED
WITH ONE FAMILY MEETING.
OKAY, FAMILY
I KNOW YOU WANTED TO GO
TO GRANDMA'S THIS SUMMER
BUT I'M AFRAID
WE WON'T BE GOING
BECAUSE WE'RE GOING
TO THE GREAT PAINTED GORGE!
WOW, DAD, A REAL VACATION.
THAT'S RIGHT.
JUST US AND THA
BIG, BEAUTIFUL GORGE.
IT'S GOING TO BRING US CLOSER
TOGETHER THAN WE'VE EVER BEEN.
SINCE I WAS A BOY,
I'VE WANTED TO GO BACK.
HOW SUBLIMELY CUBIST.
WE'RE REALLY GOING?
WE'RE LEAVING
IN THE MORNING
SO START PACKING.
WE'LL SPEND
A FEW DAYS ON THE ROAD
AND ARRIVE JUST IN TIME
TO SEE THE SUN RISE
OVER PAINTED GORGE FALLS.
THEN IT'S ON TO
THE RATTLING ROCKS
OLD RELIABLE GEYSER
AT 12:00 NOON
WHISTLING CACTUS PATCH AT 4:00,
SUNSET BAT WATCH AT 6:00
AND THAT'S THE FIRST DAY.
THROW ME THAT LAST BAG,
WILL YOU, SON?
AH-AH-AH, ONE MORE.
[ thud]
MAN, JUDY
WHAT HAVE YOU GO
IN HERE-- ROCKS?
SUMMER READING.
SOON WE WERE UNDERWAY.
Mr. Funnie:
WATCH OUT, PAINTED GORGE,
HERE COME THE FUNNIES.
[ exuberantly:]
OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM,
E-I-E-I-O ♪
[ wearily:]
ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOA
GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM ♪
[ toilworn:]
THIS OLD MAN,
HE PLAYED EIGHT ♪
HE PLAYED KNICK-KNACK
ON THE GATE ♪
[ snoring]
MAN, I NEVER THOUGHT
A CAR TRIP COULD BE SO BORING.
COW.
DAD, HOW MUCH FURTHER?
WE'RE MAKING GOOD TIME.
ONLY 1,500 MORE MILES TILL WE'RE
KNEE-DEEP IN NATURAL GRANDEUR.
1,500 MILES!
OH, MAN, I WONDER
IF ANYBODY'S EVER
DIED OF BOREDOM.
Doug:
VISIT "IT."
125 MILES.
"IT" IS COMING UP.
WOW!
"IT."
[ squeaking]
THIS WAY!
MAN, THERE'S NO WAY
AROUND THIS WALL.
HOW ARE WE GOING
TO SEE "IT"?
HOLD ON,
IS THAT WALL BREATHING?
OH, DOUG,
I'VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU.
[ laughing]
DAD, CAN WE SEE "IT"?
PLEASE, CAN WE?
OH, PLEASE.
IT'S JUST SOME STUPID
TOURIST TRAP.
WE ARE RUNNING ON A
TIGHT SCHEDULE, SON
AND 125 MILES AWAY
HM, CARRY THE THREE
WE'D MISS THAT SUNRISE
OVER THE FALLS.
PHIL, IT MIGHT BE EDUCATIONAL.
[ sighs]
Doug:
ALL RIGHT!
Man over P.A.:
"It."
Is it a deadly vampire bat?
No.
It is actually
a russet potato
grown by Mrs. R. Smith
of Pinkalo County
but the resemblance
is quite eerie.
[ demonic laughter]
THAT'S "IT"?
A POTATO?
WHAT DID
I TELL YOU?
WE WON'T MAKE I
TO THE RATTLING ROCKS.
OKAY, IT'S 2:37.
IF WE HURRY, WE MIGH
STILL SEE OLD RELIABLE.
IT SORT OF LOOKS LIKE ONE.
Mr. Funnie:
WE'VE LEARNED FROM THIS.
THESE MAN-MADE TOURIS
TRAPS CAN'T COMPARE
TO THE MAJESTY OF NATURE.
IN OTHER WORDS, L-A-M-E, LAME.
MAN!
CAN'T A GUY MAKE A MISTAKE?
AT LEAST I'LL NEVER FALL
FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT AGAIN.
Doug:
VISIT BUG RANCH, 75 MILES.
YEE-HA!
RIDE 'EM, COWBOY!
[ all cheering and laughing]
PLEASE, WE ARE NOT GOING
ON ANOTHER ONE OF
YOUR INANE MYSTERY TOURS.
BUT WE KNOW
WHAT THIS IS--
A BUG RANCH.
HOW COULD IT BE BAD?
THIS MIGHT COST US
THE WHISTLING
CACTUS PATCH.
WELL, THAT'S OKAY.
DAD, THIS IS
A RANCH WITH BUGS.
Mrs. Funnie:
IT'S ONLY A FEW HOURS
OUT OF OUR WAY, HONEY.
Man over P.A.:
The next live stunt bug show
will start in 15 minutes.
Step right up
for the live bug show.
I GUESS THEY KNOW
THEIR AUDIENCE--
THE DIM-WITTED
CROWD.
I DIDN'T BUILD
THIS STUPID THING.
BUT YOU
DRAGGED US HERE.
ALTHOUGH THE
WATER BUG SHERIFF
LOOKS LIKE HE HAS EYES
FOR THE MEALWORM SCHOOLMARM.
THERE GOES
THE SUNSET BAT WATCH
AND THE MOONLIGHT HIKE
THROUGH COPPERHEAD PASS.
BUT WE GOT TO SEE THE
GUNFIGHT AT THE ROACH CORRAL.
KNOCK IT OFF, JUDY.
NO, REALLY, DOUG
THE KATYDID SALOON BRAWL
WAS VERY EXCITING.
LISTEN, JUDY,
OKAY, IT WAS LAME.
I ADMIT IT,
SO JUST LAY OFF.
JUDITH! DOUGLAS! REMEMBER
THIS IS A FAMILYCAR TRIP.
TELL ME, DOUGIE--
WHAT'S OUR NEXT STOP ON
OUR TOUR OF SIMPLETONVILLE?
VISIT THE POETIC BLYTHE FIELD.
STOP!
[ brakes screech]
WHAT IS IT?
DID YOU SAY
BLYTHE FIELD?
THEBLYTHE FIELD?
YEAH, WHAT'S
BLYTHE FIELD?
ONLY THEMOST FAMOUS FIELD
IN ALL OF LITERATURE.
BLYTHE COMPOSED
HIS MOST FAMOUS POEMS THERE.
"ODE TO A FLOOD,"
"A SUMMER SONNET"
"LADYBUG, LADYBUG,
FLY AWAY HOME"
OH, JUST TONS.
IT'S 300 MILES
OUT OF OUR WAY, DEAR.
BUT WE SAW THOSE LAME, STUPID
THINGS DOUG WANTED TO SEE.
I I KNOW,
HONEY, BUT
SHE HAS A POINT, PHIL.
BUT, HONEY, IT'S 300
MILES OUT OF THE WAY.
ARE WE THERE YET?
NOPE.
GOOD-BYE PETRIFIED
BUFFALO HERD.
Doug:
ARE WE THERE YET?
Mr. Funnie:
ADIOS,CANYON MULE RIDE.
THAT'S IT!
ISN'T IT INSPIRING?
[ humming]
THIS IS GLORIA'S ROCK.
THIS IS THE EXACT PLACE
WHERE HE COMPOSED "OH, GLORIA,
WITH HAIR LIKE GRANITE."
JUDY, IT'S JUS
A BIG, OLD DESERT.
JUDY!
AND THIS IS WHERE HE WROTE,
"HELLO, SKY."
WE'VE GOT TO GO, DEAR.
AS IT IS,
WE LOST ALL HOPE
OF EVEN SPENDING
A WHOLE DAY THERE.
Judy:
FATHER, THERE'S
SO MUCH MORE.
"TUMBLEWEED SONATA," "HI-HO,
COYOTE," "HORNY TOAD LAMENT."
IT DOES LOOK LIKE RAIN, DEAR.
YOU THOUGHT BUG RANCH WAS BAD?
BUG RANCH HAD T-SHIRTS.
THIS PLACE IS LAME-O CENTRAL.
DOUGIE, IF YOU WEREN'
SUCH A YOKEL
YOU COULD GET SOMETHING
FROM THIS.
[ crashing thunder]
Mr. Funnie:
LET'S GO, I'M GETTING SOAKED.
OH, RAIN
SO INFREQUENT, SO FICKLE.
LET'S GO, JUDY.
WE'RE DRIVING STRAIGH
TO THE GORGE-- NO STOPS.
I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.
ME HAPPY?
YOU'RE THE ONE
LYING IN THE
MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.
PLEASE, EVERYONE,
CAN WE JUST BE QUIET?
PHIL, MAYBE WE
SHOULD PULL OVER.
WE HAVE
TO MAKE TIME.
WE'RE GOING TO
SEE THAT GORGE!
[ brakes screeching]
[ lightning cracking]
[ all scream]
Judy:
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.
Doug:
MY FAULT?
YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU
[ horn honking]
[ all scream]
[ brakes screech to stop]
EVERYBODY OKAY?
I'M OKAY.
I'M ALL RIGHT.
WHEW!
[ engine revving]
[ tires squealing]
WELL, FAMILY,
THAT'S THE END OF OUR TRIP.
I SAW A GAS STATION
ABOUT TEN MILES BACK.
IF I GET WALKING, MAYBE THEY CAN
TOW US OUT BY THE AFTERNOON.
FUNNY THING IS
I JUST SORT OF WANTED US ALL
TO JUST SEE IT TOGETHER.
I'M SORRY, DAD.
ME, TOO, DADDY.
WELL, I BETTER GET GOING.
DAD, WAIT!
DAD, DON'T LEAVE.
MAYBE WE DON'T NEED
THAT TOW TRUCK.
ONE, TWO
HIT IT, PORKCHOP.
[ tires squealing]
WHOA!
HERE.
COME ON, WE CAN DO IT, PUSH.
All:
YAY!
WE DID IT!
WOW!
LOOK!
All:
THE PAINTED GORGE.
DAD WAS RIGHT.
IT WAS THE MOST AMAZING THING
WE'D EVER SEEN.
AND HE WAS RIGHT
ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE, TOO.
IT REALLY DID BRING OUR FAMILY
CLOSER THAN
WE'D EVER BEEN BEFORE.
POMP AND CIRCUMSTA-A-ANCE ♪
POMP AND CI-I-RCUMSTANCE ♪
POMP AND CI-I-RCUMSTA-ANCE ♪
POMP AND CI-I-RCUMSTANCE ♪
REACH A CIRCUMSTANCE ♪
POMP AND CI-I-RCUMSTA-ANCE ♪
POMP AND CI-I-RCUMSTANCE. ♪