Grounded For Life (2001) s04e13 Episode Script

Oh, God, baby.
Look at this stain! Well, just flip it over.
Okay.
Oh! What's this? Oh.
That's the reason we flipped it over in the first place.
Sean, what are you doing? Come on.
We gotta go open up the bar.
Man, let's go.
Let's move.
What are you so excited about? It's Friday night.
It's comedy showcase.
You know, Ed, I think I'm gonna pass.
Pass? Come on, it's open mic night.
Come on, man, fun.
It's fun, fun, fun.
Look, okay? Here's the deal, man.
I think, you know, I just kind of got burned out on the whole comedy thing last week.
Now here's what I don't get.
If the black box always survives the crash why don't they build the whole plane build the whole plane why don't they build the whole plane whole plane out of the stuff they use to make the black box? Well, tonight's gonna be different.
I think there's a guy on the bill tonight who I think you're really gonna like.
The freak that talks about the first gay astronaut? No.
Me.
[laughs.]
You? Yeah, me.
I'm funny.
Yeah? Lily, I'm sorry.
Let's just drop it, Brad.
But I still don't know what I did! Come on, what happened? It's not that big a deal.
We were looking at used CDs.
Sorry.
Oh, no problem.
Heh heh! Lily! Dean! How have you been? I've been great.
Wow! Terrific! Great.
I haven't seen you since, um We broke up? Right.
Hi.
Oh, hey, baby.
This is my girlfriend Colleen.
Oh! Girlfriend! Yeah.
Hi.
I'm Lily.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, I found the macarena in French! The only one I'm missing is Hebrew.
Goody.
Um, Brad, you remember Dean.
Hey, O'Keefe! How are ya? Oh, buddy! [laughs.]
Yeah.
Wow.
Well, it's great to see you.
We should get together sometime.
Hey, Friday night! What? Hello! Fondue party! That sounds so fun! Yeah.
That'd be great.
I'm so excited.
I don't see why you're so upset.
You're the one who said we should get together.
Don't you know anything, Brad? When a person says, "We should get together sometime," it means, "We should never, ever get together!" Then why don't you say that? It would be rude.
It would be accurate.
Uhh! ** [theme.]
Hey, is Ashley here yet? What do you care? I just want to know what time you want me to be here.
Oh.
Well, my guests are gonna arrive at 7.
We'll eat at 7:30.
So, just to be safe, never.
Lily, come on.
Jimmy, check it out.
Mom was in here cutting the cheese.
Get it? Guys, come on.
Grow up.
I didn't say it.
Come on, guys, clear out of here.
This is an adult party.
I'm as adult as you are.
Come on.
"Cutting the cheese" jokes? That wasn't me! Wasn't me, either.
Get it? Out! Both of you, out.
Come on.
My friends are gonna be here any minute.
Fine.
I'll have my own cheese party.
Okay, now that he's gone, 7:15? No, Jimmy.
I don't want you here, drooling over Ashley.
Please, go upstairs with Henry.
I will not be sent upstairs like some little kid.
If you don't want me here, I'll just go out back and sit in my tent.
Better take a sweater.
Would you stop telling me what to do? [door closes.]
This is not a sweater.
[door closes.]
Hey, baby.
Hey.
How about some lovin' by the oven? No.
Not now, Brad.
What's with chilly Lily? Will you stop whining and help me? Thanks to you, I'm making fondue for Are you freaking out because Dean's coming over? No! This has nothing to do with him.
Okay, okay.
I was just worried because, you know, he is your ex-boyfriend, and I could see how that would be awkward.
No.
It's fine, it's fine.
We've both moved on.
He has a new girlfriend.
Yeah.
They seem great together.
How would you know? You saw them for, like, 12 seconds.
Lily! I'm sorry.
I just want this to go well.
Okay.
How 'bout a little squeeze by the cheese? [giggles.]
Baby, hey, has Eddie come by yet? No.
I haven't seen him.
Okay, good.
You gotta help me out here, all right? When he comes by, I'm gonna tell him I can't go to the bar tonight because of Lily's fondue party.
Sean.
Oh, please, baby, please.
I would rather kill myself than sit through a set of Eddie's comedy again.
Cake! Why does everybody love cake so much? It's always cake, you know? You want a dessert? It's gotta be cake! [silence.]
You know, they start you when you're young.
That's when they get you eatin' cupcakes! You're getting married? Have a cake.
You're having a birthday? Have a cake.
[silence.]
So, just listen up, people! There's a new invention in town, and it's called pie.
[silence.]
Got it? You suck! I suck? If I suck, what are you doing here? Leaving.
Come on, baby, let's go.
This guy's leaving.
Get off the stage! Who said that? Who said that? Bring the next guy up! I got 7 more minutes up here.
Okay, come over.
Baby, he kicked out before they even paid for their drinks.
Well, did you speak with him? Yeah.
So, Sean, what did you think of my act? What did you-- really, be honest.
I mean, don't sugarcoat it.
It doesn't help me if you're not absolutely honest.
Okay.
Uh, I mean, it was out there.
You know, you were angry.
You were like-- you were really-- you got really angry, andand hard to relate to.
You know, if you like cake, and a lot of people, face it, Ed, like cake, you know, so I don't know.
It was, you know Maybe you want to try stuff from, like, life experience.
You know, like, personal experiences people can relate to.
Oh, so suddenly, you're an expert on this whole thing! I didn't see you up there, stripping yourself naked in front of strangers.
Where do you get off? Honey, don't you know when somebody says, "Be honest," they mean, "Don't be honest at all.
" What was I supposed to do? He sucked! He was ruining business! He needs confidence, all right? You're his brother.
You could pretend to laugh at him.
Oh, God.
I can't pretend to laugh.
It sounds phony.
All right, come on.
Try one on me.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! All right, you do one.
I just did.
That was your fake laugh? Yeah.
Pretty good, huh? Well, do a real one, then.
Well, do something funny.
[French accent.]
What do you think I am, a trained monkey? At the zoo, dances for your pleasure? Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Hmm? Ha ha ha ha! Wow.
They're sure hard to tell apart.
Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! [doorbell rings.]
Ahem! Dean, Colleen, come on in! Hey, Mr.
Finnerty! Oh, hey, man! Good to see you.
Good to see you.
Hi.
How are you? Hi.
Good.
Hey, Sean, we're gonna be late for comedy night.
Tonight? Damn it! I'd love to go.
It's just, I'm in the middle of reconnecting with Dean here.
So, Dean, you still, uh playing the drums? Yeah.
Wow.
That's great.
Why don't you guys have a seat? Come on.
Hey, listen, I took your advice.
I changed my act.
It's like, uh, I took from my personal life now.
It's a lot more relatable.
Oh.
So you're not gonna scream at the audience anymore? Well, that's up to them.
Okay.
Okay, fine.
Hey, Dean Clean! Hey, O'Keefe! How are you doing? What's up? This fondue is yummy.
Yeah, thanks.
We made it together.
It's one of the many coupley things we do all the time.
Um You missed a little.
Oh.
[laughs.]
[laughs.]
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! This is messy! Brad? Oh, let me get you a napk-- Mm--mm! Mmm! Oh! Yummy! Yeah.
Is something burning? Oh! The chocolate! Oh! Damn it! Gahh! Oh! Hey, Lil, thanks for inviting us.
Yeah.
Thanks for coming.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Colleen is just really excited to be here, so Great.
Well, she seems great.
Yeah.
She's just-- she's fantastic.
The belt she's wearing, she made that.
Wow! Well, don't let her get away.
Ha ha ha ha! Oh, I'm not going to.
If she tries, you could always grab her by the belt.
Ha ha ha! But she's not gonna try to get away.
She even made me this wristband.
Hmm? Yeah, I get it.
She makes things.
Message received.
I'm sorry.
Is it bothering you? 'Cause I didn't mean to-- No, no.
Yes! Why did you show up here? Because you invited us.
I was being polite.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were just trying to make up for the way you broke up with me.
Well, it doesn't seem like it had much of an impact on you, considering that you hooked up with your little, leathery girlfriend right afterward.
Did our time together mean nothing to you? I'm such an idiot.
Brad.
You know, I thought I meant something to you, but I guess I was wrong.
I'm just the guy who cleans the cheese off your face! Brad, wait! No! [door slams.]
You know, if you want, Colleen makes these really great moccasins.
Oh, shut up! Brad, please come back in the house.
No! Look, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.
Well, obviously, it's Dean's feelings that really matter to you, not mine.
That's not true, Brad.
Look, I know that it may seem like I still have feelings for Brad, don't zip me out! [sighs.]
[Jimmy groans.]
God, she's a real piece of work.
Yeah.
Tell me about it.
Man, I just don't understand her.
Why would she care about Dean? I mean, she and I have been hot and heavy for months, and she's definitely, you know, satisfied.
Hey, Brad, you're talking about my sister.
Oh.
Sorry, Slim Jim.
All right.
It's cool.
She can be pretty hard to deal with.
Oh, you got that right.
I mean, tonight, all I wanted was a chance to hang out with Ashley, you know? But, no.
Lily had to go and act like a first class b-- Whoa, whoa, dude.
Let's take it down a notch.
It's just, you know, I mean, if Ashley knew who I really was, you know? That I'm not just Lily's little brother, that I'm a guy Yeah.
It's kind of cold in here.
Yeah.
Mind if I scooch up under this blanket with ya? Yeah, I kinda do.
Lily, why aren't you out at your party? Where's Brad? He's in Jimmy's tent.
Uh-huh.
What'd you do to him? Nothing, nothing.
Brad's freaking out 'cause he thinks I still have feelings for Dean.
Do you? No.
I mean, yes.
I mean--uhh! What is my problem? I didn't think that I had feelings for him, but then I saw him with the skank.
Skanks do that.
Yeah.
I don't think I want him back.
I just-- No.
You just want him to be miserable.
Yes! Yes! Yes.
Is that so much to ask for? You just need to decide what's more important, all right? Making Dean miserable or making Brad happy.
I just wish I could do both.
Yeah.
Right now, you're doing neither.
I know, I know.
Poor Brad.
You don't think he'd ever actually dump me, do you? Maybe.
I mean, come on.
There's only so much abuse a guy can take before he walks.
Even Brad? Even Brad.
Yeah.
Hey, baby.
Hey.
You're back early.
How was Eddie's standup? [sighs.]
Well, I'll give him this much-- he has a new act.
You call that a spacesuit? Please! I don't think so! [imitates static.]
Halston, we have a problem! [laughter, applause.]
All right.
Ted Gold, ladies and gentlemen.
Funny stuff.
How's everybody doing tonight? Great, great.
[applause, cheers.]
There's something gross on this microphone.
Ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah! Yeah! All right! Anyway, I'm Eddie Finnerty, and, uh, I'm a pretty happy guy.
I have to say, I have no complaints.
I'm living the dream.
You know the dream where you, uh, you get your girlfriend pregnant in high school and then you have 3 kids before you're 25? That's the dream I'm talking about.
That's the dream.
Anyway, I have no, uhI can't complain.
I have 2 boys, a 16-year-old girl.
Uh, I should say woman now, because her and her boyfriend are constantly having sex in my house.
[laughter.]
I'm always the last to know these things, even if the signs are right in front of me, all the time.
The boyfriend--this guy, he walks around my house, wearing my bathrobe, my flipflops my condoms.
I'm not a smart man.
[laughter.]
[giggles.]
You, uh You find that amusing, do you? Yeah, a little.
Yeah, well, it got even funnier.
[laughter.]
I'm married to a beautiful woman for 15 years.
She's-- [applause.]
She's, you know, she's, uh, she's great.
She has an amazing body.
I must say, she has an amazing body, my wife.
I was married to her for 2 years before I realized she had a head.
[laughter.]
The main thing about her, she's in her sexual prime, which is great, because she just wants to do it all the time.
She just can't get enough.
She's just, like, desperate for it.
She must be, 'cause she sleeps with me.
You suck! Okay, buddy, take it easy.
Take it easy, all right? You're too tense.
But then again, if you had a wife like mine, you wouldn't be so tense.
[laughter, applause.]
You'd be giving her the drink.
That's not funny.
Yeah, yeah.
I agree with you.
He stole my life and made a mockery of it.
That's insulting.
You knew I had a head.
Baby, of course.
That's where all the noise comes from.
That's not funny.
Eddie's line, all right? [sighs.]
Brad? I have nothing to say to you.
Uhh! [zipping, unzipping.]
I want to apologize! I'm not stopping you! Come on, Brad.
It's freezing out here.
Please? Jimmy, could you give us some privacy? Can I go to your party? No! Ha ha ha ha ha! Okay, fine.
How much worse could it get? Exactly.
[clears throat.]
Heh! Brad, I'm sorry.
What, that's it? I'm really sorry.
Oh.
So if you just add "really," that makes a world of difference.
Well, I-- No, no.
I know.
You thought I'd say, "Fine," like I always say, "Fine.
" You do something horrible and you say, "Sorry.
" I say, "Fine," and then we go back to the way it's always been.
It's not enough this time.
Well, what can I do? You can treat me like I deserve to be treated.
Listen, I know I'm not the coolest guy in the world.
I know I'm not, you know, the smoothest guy or the tallest guy, but I want you to treat me like I am all those things.
You want me to treat you like you're the tallest guy in the world? Lily, you know what I mean.
But you're not the tallest guy.
I mean, that's a fact.
No, I know, but in your eyes, I want to be 7 feet tall.
Fine.
You still wouldn't be the tallest guy in the world, though.
I just--I just want to be the one who matters the most.
You do, Brad.
If I've taken you for granted, it's because I'm an idiot.
But it won't happen again because I love you.
You do? Of course.
What'd you think? Well, I don't know.
You've-- you've never said it.
Sure I have.
No, no.
I've said it.
And you've agreed.
You've said, "Uh-huh," and, "All right, then.
" And, "We're gonna be late!" But you've never actually said the words.
Well, I have now.
All right, then.
[music, subdued chatter.]
Hey, Ashley, I didn't see you there.
Ashley.
Ashley! Hey, Ashley, I didn't see you there.
Hey, Jimmy, I didn't know you were here.
Oh, yeah.
This isn't-- this isn't really my scene.
I'm hanging out in the backyard, away from all the noise, just kind of thinking, listening to some music.
Oh, careful.
That cheese is hot.
Oh, great.
I like it hot.
Are you crying? [wails.]
No! [giggles.]
Hey.
How are you guys doing? Good.
Very good.
Oh, Brad, would you put out the strawberries? I'm gonna pour the chocolate.
Got it.
Hey, nice sweater, Mrs.
Finnerty.
I have a head.
Oh.
Oh, hey.
Hey, O'Keefe, how was your little camping trip? That was a good tent funny, funny, ha ha! Ha ha ha! Hey, look, man, I just want to say I'm sorry for earlier.
You know, Lily, she just-- Uh-uh-uh! Believe me, you don't need to explain.
Yeah.
She's got some issues.
That she does.
But your lady seems terrific.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, she's just great.
[Brad.]
That's cool.
Yeah.
I can't freaking stand her, man! Hi! Yeah.
She's driving me out of my mind.
I was this close to giving her the boot the other day.
What, seriously? Yeah, yeah.
And then we bumped into you and Lily, and I saw how much it torqued her, so I said, "What the hell, you know? "I'll hang on to her a couple more days.
What can it hurt?" Well, it definitely torqued her, all right.
You're not gonna tell Lily or anything? No, no.
God.
I made a lot of progress tonight.
I don't want to screw that up.
You boys aren't talking about me, are you? Not everything's about you, Lily.
She's got such an ego.
I was kidding! Ah! Buddy! Pretty good show tonight, huh? Should have been there, Claudia.
I killed.
Mm-hmm.
Let me ask you, Ed.
How's the wife? What's she mad about? You must have told it wrong.
Come on, Ed.
Your whole act mocked us.
What are you talking about? You're the one who told me I should get my material from life.
Yeah, yeah.
Your life.
I don't have a life.
And you're not using yours! I'm using mine.
You probably don't care.
After all, I'm just a set of big, talking boobs.
Ha! That's a good one.
Can I use that? No.
All right, Sean.
You don't like my act, to each his own, but you gotta look at the big picture here.
Cleared 900 bucks tonight.
What? So can I keep my stage persona? I don't know.
Claud? Sometimes he eats nachos for breakfast.
Her mom's a total alkie.
Drinks all the time.
That's good.
This is good stuff.
I can use this? Heh! So, the stripper looks down.
There's Monopoly money sticking out of the g-string, you know? And she looks at my brother, and he's like, "What, lady, what? What do you want from me? I'm 9!" [laughter.]
No.
I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
No, I'm not.
That was the longest relationship he ever had.
He has hooked up with chicks, though.
He had a girlfriend for, like, 20 years.
One of those sick things that would never end.
You know what I'm talking about.
You might know her.
She lives in the neighborhood.
Mari Juana.
Pretty lowbrow stuff, huh? He met her when she was in the Brownies.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Once he took a urine test, and there were seeds in it.
This guy's a hack.
Oh, wait! There he is! Hey, ladies and gentlemen, Edward Finnerty! [cheers, applause.]
** [theme.]
Closed-Captioned By J.
R Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA