Hey Arnold! (1996) s04e13 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
MR. SIMMONS:
Students, this week,
in our continuing health
and nutrition unit,
we are going to be
talking about
the importance
of a balanced diet,
and the effects
different foods
have on both our physical
and mental well-being.
Arnold,
my little bookworm,
how keen you are,
how studious.
how diligently you
take notes in your little
schoolboy's notebook.
If only I could find
the nerve to tell you
how much I worship
that giant, oblong brain
of yours.
Oh, but alack,
I can never tell.
Oh, Arnold,
my daydreaming dream weaver.
How contemplative you are,
how curious.
How romantically you gaze
out your bedroom window
reflecting and musing.
If only I could
find the strength
to march up to your door
and tell you how much I admire
your freewheeling
lack of focus.
If only if only
(GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING)
Helga?
That's right, Arnold,
it's me, Helga G. Pataki.
the girl who's always
staring at you from across
the crowded room.
The girl who's constantly
lurking in the shadows,
spying on you.
The girl who's forever
stalking you, and
following you home.
Standing here
on your stoop,
ready to confess unto you
my most hallowed of secrets.
Oh, Arnold,
don't you see?
Despite the fact
that I may act
like a total loon,
in reality, I'm
just a shy girl
afraid to tell you
that I absolutely adore you.
Yes, Arnold,
you heard me correctly.
I'm positively mad for you.
I'm mad as a hatter,
utterly nutty,
gaga in love.
I have been
since the very first time
I laid eyes
on that wonderfully plump
little football head of yours.
Only, until now, I've been
too shy to tell you the truth,
too bashful to come out and
say that I love you, Arnold.
I love you. (ECHOING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY) Hi.
(BANG)
(CRASHING)
HELGA: Sheesh, Mom,
what did you do?
Forget to go shopping again?
Hey! Earth to Miriam!
Huh?
There's no food around here.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I know, honey.
It's an awful story really.
You see, I went to the store
this afternoon,
and I did a little shopping,
only I (CHUCKLING)
accidentally left
the groceries
on the roof of the car.
When I pulled away,
everything just spilled
all over the road.
And I just
Fascinating, Miriam.
Now what am I
supposed to eat?
Oh gosh, yeah.
Uh, well, let's see.
Um, oh, I think there's
some of your dad's
pork rinds in the cabinet.
Pork rinds? Get real, Miriam.
I'm not eating pork rinds.
(CRUNCHING)
Mmm Hey,
these are pretty good.
Oh!
Eh I gave at the office.
(DOOR SLAMS)
(GASPS)
Who was it, Grandpa?
Oh, just one of those
pesky door-to-door
religious groups
with their fast-talking
paper flowers, Short Man.
Oh.
What in the world
am I doing here?
One minute I'm in my room
eating a snack,
and the next thing I know,
I'm knocking
on Arnold's front door.
(GASPS) Criminy!
This is exactly
like in my daydream
when I confessed
my love to him.
Oh, man,
my unconscious desires
must have somehow
taken over my body
and caused me
to sleepwalk to Arnold's,
so that I could confess to him
my deepest, darkest secret.
And unless I want my life
to be completely over,
I'd better make sure
it doesn't ever happen again.
But how?
(GRUNTING)
Now, even if I do
sleepwalk again,
I won't be able
to get to Arnold's,
and I won't be able
to confess my secret.
It's perfect.
(CRUNCHING)
(ALARM RINGING)
GRANDMA: (LAUGHING)
Oh, Eleanor.
I just can't tell you
how wonderful it is
to see you again.
It reminds me of the days
when we used to
have brunch at Campobello.
Aah!
Grandma?
Who are you talking to?
Oh, just
Eleanor Roosevelt, dear.
But she was called away
on official White House
business,
and jumped out the window.
It's like a nightmare.
This time I actually
went inside his house.
And who knows
what I might have said.
(SIGHING)
That's it. From now on,
I'm just gonna
have to stop sleeping.
That way I can't sleepwalk,
and if I don't sleepwalk,
then I can't blab
my secret to Arnold.
Right. Stop sleeping.
That is the plan.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Class, today,
we are going
to investigate
those very delicious,
but not necessarily
nutritious edibles known as
Yes, the snack foods.
Helga, are you okay?
Of course, I'm okay, Phoebe,
what are you talking about?
Well, nothing, it's just
that you seem rather
perky this morning.
Perky?
Oh! (GIGGLING)
Must be the entire thermos
of coffee I just drank.
Coffee? Since when
do you drink coffee?
(DOOR OPENS)
(SNORING)
(GULPING)
Now that I'm completely
wired on caffeine,
staying awake should be
a piece of cake.
(CRUNCHING)
(DOOR OPENS)
(SHOWER RUNNING)
Hey, hows about you
speed it up in there?
Yes, save some
for the fishes.
Must be that jerk
from number eight.
Huh? (SHRIEKS)
Hey! Oh sure.
Now you're in a hurry.
(IN DEEP VOICE)
Excuse me.
That is the last straw.
This whole thing has gotten
completely out of control.
I mean, waking up
in Arnold's shower?
Talk about crazy.
I'd better get
some professional help.
Sleepwalking?
(SHUSHING) Yes!
You know, sleepwalking.
Wandering around
in the middle of the night
like some kind
of zombie freak.
Gosh. That's odd, Helga.
Where exactly
have you been going?
Just (SIGHS)
Never mind that, okay?
All you need to know
is that this is serious.
Well, how serious exactly?
Let's put it this way, Phoebe.
If I don't stop sleepwalking,
I could wind up revealing
my most intimate,
guarded secret.
(GASPING) You mean
Yes! But let's not
talk about it, okay?
Now, what are
you gonna do
to help me out?
(DOOR CLOSES)
PHOEBE:
Now should you attempt
to leave the room
at any time
during the night,
you'll be forced
to step directly
on top of me.
And I'll instantly wake up
in time to save you.
And in the meantime,
I'll observe you.
Then I'll better understand
what is causing
your somnambulism.
Oh, criminy, Phoebe.
That has got to be
the worst idea
I've ever heard.
Trust me, Helga.
I'm an extremely
light sleeper.
And as long as I'm here,
there's no way you're
getting through that door.
Now, how about a nutritious
bedtime health snack
to settle your nerves?
(SCOFFS)
Don't worry.
I've got my health snack
right here.
(CRUNCHING)
(BURPING)
(CRUNCHING)
(CLATTERING)
(GASPS)
Oh, dear.
PHOEBE: (GASPS)
Helga!
I've got to stop her
before she does
the unthinkable.
(GRUNTING)
(GASPING)
Gosh, Helga's moving
awfully fast.
If I'm going
to stop her in time,
I'm gonna have
to take a shortcut.
Oh, no!
(MUNCHING)
(STRAINING)
(PANTING)
(GASPING)
Oh, Arnold,
don't you see?
Despite the fact
that I may act
like a total loon
I've got to stop her.
utterly nutty,
mad as a hatter,
gaga in love.
Helga.
Now I've been too shy
to tell you the truth,
too bashful
to come out and say
that I love you,
Arnold.
No!
Love you.
(THUD)
Phoebe? Where am I?
You were sleepwalking again.
You climbed
Arnold's fire escape
and you were talking to him
through his window.
Well, what did I say?
Did I tell him
anything important?
I'm afraid so.
You mean
Yes, Helga.
You told him everything.
ARNOLD: Hello?
Hello?
Uh, what's going on?
Oh
I was asleep
and then I heard a crash,
and I woke up.
Oh, wait a minute.
A crash?
You mean,
that's all you heard?
Yeah, a crash.
So, what's happening?
What are you guys doing?
"Doing"?
(SCOFFS)
What does it look like
we're doing, hair boy?
We're taking a walk.
Taking a walk
on my fire escape?
That's right,
football head,
on your fire escape.
It's a free country.
We can walk
wherever we feel like.
Right, Phoebe?
Right.
Let's go.
Whatever you say, Helga.
"Warning: Excessive ingestion
may cause sleeping disorders
"including sleeplessness,
narcolepsy, seep apnea,
"and in some cases,
severe sleepwalking!"
You mean, it's not
because of
You mean, I'm cured?
Precisely.
So the whole time
I was sleepwalking,
it was because of pork rinds.
(GIGGLING)
How about that?
Yep. It's amazing
what strange effects
certain foods
can have on the human body.
Um, Phoebe?
Yes, Helga?
Speaking of strange,
this whole thing,
it never happened.
Got it?
PHOEBE: Forgetting.
WOMAN: This is
Fighting Families,
the incredibly popular
family game show.
The show that
asks you to perform
crazy physical competitions
while answering
challenging trivia questions.
ALL: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer,
Vixen, Comet, Cupid,
Donner, and Blitzen.
(ALL CHEERING)
All right!
I'm here today
to choose one family
from P.S. 118.
to compete against the family
of a student from P.S. 119
for big, big prizes!
(STUDENTS CHEERING)
And now, the moment
you've all been waiting for.
And the winner is
Arnold Um
Hmm. There seems to be
a smudge over the last name.
That must be you, Arnold,
on account of you're
the only kid named Arnold
in this whole dang school.
CHILDREN: Arnold! Arnold!
GERALD: Arnold,
it's gonna be a blast.
What could you possibly
be worried about?
My family.
So? You have
a "non-traditional family."
It's no big deal.
TV loves that kinda thing.
Yeah, but I bet no one
at the boarding house
is gonna wanna be
on a game show.
GRANDPA: Are you kidding?
I love game shows.
They are flashy and fun!
Bring it on, Groucho!
What about the prizes?
Do we get cash?
Or glamorous vacations?
Well, it says we can win
some inline skates,
or a bicycle,
or personalized book bags.
Whoa! Sounds great, Short Man.
When is the game show, Arnold?
This Saturday.
Oh, shoot! I've got
a double shift Saturday.
That's okay, Suzie.
'Cause I can only bring
Grandma and Grandpa,
and two siblings.
That means
I have to pick just
two of the boarders.
Pick me, Arnold.
Look, you guys.
Whoever I pick has to be
able to work with the others
on the team.
We'll all have to act
like we're a family.
No problem.
Yes, we are family.
A really close family.
(LAUGHING)
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
GRANDMA: Camptown ladies
Sing this song
Doo-dah! Doo-dah!
Morning, Arnold.
Oh, I can't wait
for the beauty pageant.
It's actually
a game show, Grandma.
Camptown race is
half mile long
Oh! Doo-dah day ♪
Hey, Arnold.
What's going on?
I just wanna say
that I am clearly
the best choice
to be on your team.
I am a very good
game show choice.
I speak three languages.
Plus, I can do this.
Big deal.
Get a load of this.
Not bad, huh?
So, what can you do, Oskar?
I can quack like a duck.
Quack quack.
(LAUGHING)
So, Arnold, who do you pick?
Idiot number one,
two or three?
I have to go to school.
I'll tell you later.
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
ARNOLD: They're already
starting to fight about it.
Now what am I gonna do?
So, they all wanna
be on your team?
Yeah.
Hey, Arnold.
My cousin Stinky
over at P.S. 119
gave me the dirt
on the family you're
supposed to compete against
in that game show.
Really?
Yeah, they're smart
and good-looking.
And they all dress
in matching white jumpsuits.
In a word,
they're perfect, Arnold.
The perfect family.
(SIGHING)
Good luck, Arnold.
Hope your non-traditional
family does 'em bad.
ERNIE: Hey, Arnold,
how was school?
By the way, I'm very good
with facts and trivia.
Did you know it took
2873 bricks to make
this boarding house?
No.
I thought perhaps you'd be
interested in this amazing
physical skill of mine.
ERNIE: Not bad, huh?
You could carry me
around the block
if you wanted to.
That's really great,
Mr. Potts.
Now I have homework to do.
MR. HYUNH: Homework?
I am a great mathematician.
Can I be on your team?
Get away, Hyunh!
I can do square roots.
Quack quack.
Hey, Arnold, have you
picked me yet?
Mercury, Venus, Earth,
Mars, Jupiter, Saturn,
Uranus, Neptune, Pluto.
The planets, in case
you're doing your
science homework.
ARNOLD: I'll see
you guys at dinner.
(ARNOLD SIGHING)
(DRUMMING)
MR. HYUNH: Arnold!
OSKAR: Look, Arnold.
Look at me.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Pookie, you can
stop auditioning.
You already made the squad.
Quite a freak show,
huh, Short Man?
And maybe you better
decide sooner
rather than later.
(SIGHING)
Everybody, can I
have your attention?
Please?
Thank you.
I have thought about it.
And I've decided to pick
Ernie and Mr. Hyunh.
to be on the team with me and
Grandma and Grandpa.
But what about me?
Well, Mr, Kokoshka,
you can come as
As an alternate.
An alternate?
Oh, boo! I'm leaving.
I knew I'd get picked.
In your face, Hyunh.
What do you mean?
Arnold picked me too.
But he said my name first.
You are just an idiot.
You guys, please,
the contest is tomorrow
and we're gonna
be on national TV.
So, it'd be really great
if you didn't fight
the whole time.
We gotta work together
as a family. Okay?
Sure then.
Absolutely.
I'll bet my money
on the bob-tail nag
Somebody bet on the bay
Yeah! ♪
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,
welcome to Fighting Families.
(CHEERING)
And here are today's
two fighting families!
From P.S. 119, say hello
to Cindy and her family,
Carl, Cheryl, Chucky,
and Candy.
Wow, Stinky wasn't kidding.
They are perfect.
HOST: And from P.S. 118,
meet Arnold and his family,
Phil, Pookie, Ernie,
and Mr. Hee-un.
It's Hyunh!
(CHEERING)
Yeah! All right, Arnold.
Boo!
Okay, families.
Let's start fighting.
(CHEERING)
First contest, the limbo!
I'm great at the limbo.
I'll go first.
GRANDPA: I won
a limbo contest in 1936.
(GRANDPA AND
MR. HYUNH ARGUING)
Shh. We're on TV.
Remember, we gotta
work together like a family.
On three, Arnold leads
his family in the limbo.
One, two, three.
(ARGUING)
(GRUNTING AND GROANING)
HOST: Oh, so close.
But no points
for Arnold's team.
Okay, Cindy and your family.
One, two, limbo!
(CHEERING)
(CHEERING)
Oh, good one, Hyunh.
You pushed me.
Yeah, well, Gramps
stepped on my toe.
I did not!
This is stepping
on your toes.
Ow!
Hey! Things are not
looking good for Team Arnold.
They should have picked me.
Ten points to Cindy's family
for a perfect limbo!
Well, that was perfect!
You're all perfect.
HOST: And now,
each family has 15 seconds
to make a human pyramid.
I'll be on the bottom.
I've a very powerful
upper body.
I refuse to kneel
on Ernie.
One more comment, Hyunh,
and I'll give you
a knuckle sandwich.
I'll give you both
a knuckle sandwich.
That's odd.
I don't remember
packing any sandwiches.
Come on, we only
have five seconds left.
Whoa!
Fantastic.
Cindy, you and
your clan win
the pyramid competition.
which puts you ahead
20 to nothing.
But, Arnold,
your family gets to answer
this consolation question.
What is the coldest planet
in the solar system?
Bluto! Bluto!
Not Bluto,
Pluto, you moron.
Pluto is correct!
And that brings
our score up 5 to 20.
All right. We'll be
right back after this break.
ARNOLD: Guys,
come on, please!
You can't do this.
We're on TV.
Not at the moment, kid.
We went to a commercial.
Now listen up.
I know this show is
called Fighting Families,
but you're supposed
to be fighting
the other family.
Get it?
Look, I told you we were
gonna have to get along.
But instead, you're acting
like a bunch of babies.
If we stop fighting
and work together
like a family,
I bet we can still win.
Come on, we don't
wanna lose to them,
do we?
Yes, they are really creepy.
What do say? Truce?
HOST: And we're back
to Fighting Families.
In the next competition,
our famillies go
to their podiums
to answer trivia questions.
But to get there,
they have to pass through
this obstacle course.
(WHISTLING)
Okay, let's do it.
Come on, move, move.
We're behind.
Butbut this is disgusting!
I'm not grabbing that thing!
We're here to win.
I said "move it."
Move it now, missy!
(CRYING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(BUZZES)
(CHEERING)
All right! Arnold's family has
reached their buzzer station
for ten more points.
And now, the rapid fire
final round questions.
For five points,
name seven colors
found in a rainbow.
(BUZZES)
Take it, Mr. Hyunh.
Red, orange,
yellow, green, blue,
indigo, violet.
Right!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
What is the biggest
man-made structure
in the world?
(BUZZES)
The Great Wall of China.
HOST: Correct.
Last question.
If Arnold's team gets it,
we'll be all tied up.
Name one great song
written by
Stephen Foster.
Camptown ladies
sing this song
Doo-dah! Doo-dah! ♪
Pookie, I forbid you
to sing this song
ever again!
That's correct!
Camptown Races was
written by Stephen Foster.
We now have a tie game
with only one
final competition.
The tug of war!
(CHEERING)
HOST: Ready, families?
Tug!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Come on, people,
little help here.
I'm doing all the work!
(CRYING)
My hands hurt.
And stop yelling
at me, Daddy.
You're scaring me.
You always fall apart,
you little wuss.
(STRAINING)
Ow!
(GRUNTING)
(STRAINING)
You're making me
look terrible!
(GRUNTING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
HOST: And the winners,
from P.S. 118
is Arnold's family.
What team work!
Let's hear it.
We'll see you next time on
Fighting Families.
Until then,
remember, families,
keep fighting.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Yes! We did it.
Thanks, guys.
Group hug.
Getting a bear hug.
Can I hug your leg here?
I love you, people.
(RAP SONG PLAYING)