I Love Lucy (1951) s04e13 Episode Script

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) Hi.
Hi, girl.
I brought your mail.
Oh, thanks.
What are you doing? I'm figuring out the route we're going to take to California.
Oh, good.
I've got the list of all the places that each of us wants to see.
Now, Ricky wants to see New Orleans and the Rockies, and Fred wants to go to Cincinnati and Niagara Falls.
And I want to see the Ozark Mountains and the Carlsbad Caverns.
I know, and we all want to see the Grand Canyon and Fred says we must not miss Salt Lake City.
Believe me, it's taken some brainwork to figure out an itinerary that'll please everyone.
It's impossible.
No, no, it's not impossible.
Just takes a little sensible planning.
See? Well, the only thing is, we have to go through New York three times on the way to Chicago.
Oh, fine.
Well, we'll just have to fight that out on the road.
Yeah, I guess so.
Want to see your mail? Oh, yeah.
Anything interesting? Two bills and an ad and a letter from your mother.
Oh, what did she say? Now, Lucy, you know I never read your mail.
(snorts derisively) Only postcards and everybody knows they're fair game.
Besides, your mother's letter came to me.
Oh, sure.
It did.
She enclosed it in a letter she wrote to me.
"Dear Ethel: I lost Lucy's address "and couldn't find it "in the New York phone book.
"There are so many Richardsons listed.
" Richardson? She never remembers Ricky's last name.
Well, that isn't even close.
Yeah, but she's getting better.
She refused to admit I was married at all until after the baby came.
Oh, Lucy (chuckling) Um "I was able to find your address "and as you live in the same building, "I wonder if it would be too much trouble for you to give the enclosed letter to her.
" (sardonic chuckle) She really figures things out, bless her little birdbrain.
Well, like mother, like uh Oh, uh What does your letter say? "Dear Lucy: How are you and Micky?" Micky.
"I couldn't find your address, "so I'm sending this letter to Ethel Mertz.
"If you don't get it, please let me know as I have made a copy of it.
" Well, that's good thinking.
"The copy is enclosed.
" "As a matter of fact, if you have read this far, "you must have received this letter, so tear up the copy and thank Ethel for me.
" Thank you.
Oh, it was nothing.
"After hearing the good news about you going west, "I got to thinking how I've never been any further west than Youngstown, Ohio" Oh, no! "And this seems like a golden opportunity for me to get to California.
" Oh, just wait till Micky Richardson hears about this.
Well, you'll just have to stop her.
Too late.
Listen to this: "I rented my house to a lovely couple, "and I bought a whole new wardrobe for the trip.
"Sorry I didn't tell you I was going with you sooner, "but you know how it is when you're planning a long trip: "Some little detail is liable to slip your mind.
I remain sincerely yours, Mrs.
McGillicuddy.
" Mrs.
McGillicuddy? That's kind of formal, isn't it? Well, sometimes she forgets who she's writing to.
Well, what are you going to do? Well there's just one thing to do.
What? I'll say "Ricky, my mother is going to California with us" and then I'll jump out the window.
Now, there, for a minute, you were commencing to sound like a real wife.
What do you mean? Well, I like that feeling when you said, "Ricky, my mother is going to California with us.
" Oh, I like that feeling, too.
It's what comes after that scares me.
Now, you might be surprised at what would happen if you took a real firm stand with Ricky.
You think so? Sure.
Look at the way I handle Fred.
Yeah, but you can lick Fred.
Oh You know maybe you got something there, Ethel.
Sure.
I'm not going to have my mother embarrassed.
I've got just as many rights around here as he has.
Now you're talking.
I'm going to say "Ricky, my mother is going to California with us and that's that!" Good girl.
That's just what I'll tell him.
On the phone.
Now, you've got to face him eventually.
Well, this will sort of give me a head start.
Hello, Ricky.
I got a letter from my mother today, and she's going to California with us and that's that! And I don't want any argument about it! Hello, Ricky.
I got a letter from Mother today, dear.
What are you doing? The line's busy.
I was just practicing.
Oh, fine.
But I think you're right.
The thing to do is be firm.
Hello, Ricky.
I got a letter from mother today and she's going to California with us and that's that! And I don't want any argument.
What?! Do you hear me?! Oh! (yelling in Spanish) (Ricky and Lucy arguing loudly) LUCY: don't get excited.
Now, please.
Ricky, please, now (yelling) Mother! (yelling stops) Well! I told you, dear, long before you ever got married Well, uh, uh, it's not what you think, Mother.
Uh, uh, Ricky and I were just rehearsing a a scene from the picture that he's going to do out in Hollywood.
Weren't we, dear? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, Mother we were rehearsing, a scene, that's right.
Now, you were very good, sweetie.
Thank you.
Mother, it's so good to see you.
Oh, thank you, dear.
Isn't it good to see mother, dear? Yes, yes.
Mother? You don't understand any Spanish, do you? Not a word.
Good.
Pick up Mother's bags, dear.
Oh, yes, sure.
Excuse me.
Thank you, Micky.
You're welcome.
Mother, you must be tired.
Why don't you sit down.
How's everything in Jamestown? Oh, just wonderful.
Have you seen Marian von Black? Oh, they moved way up on the Old Hunt Road.
No kidding.
Mother, why didn't you call us from the station? We would have picked you up.
Oh, that's all right, dear.
I took the bus.
It let me off right in front of the door.
Oh.
Wait a minute.
The bus doesn't come down this street.
That's what the bus driver tried to tell me.
He was so ridiculous.
Well, it was only two blocks out of his way, and all he had to do was turn the steering wheel.
Do you mean to tell me, you got the bus driver to leave his route and bring you right to our door? I made a bargain with him.
He promised to bring me here and I promised never to ride on a New York bus again.
I think he made a fine deal for himself.
MOTHER: Well, Micky I bet you were surprised when Lucy told you I was going to Hollywood with you.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, I was very surprised.
Oh, you know, dear, I hated to give up my club activities-- I'm chairman of the bazaar this year-- and leave my friends, but I figured this was my chance to take it to them in person.
What was that? What? Take what to them in person? My book.
Oh, didn't I tell you? I wrote a book.
You? Yes.
You didn't think I could write, did you? No.
I didn't even know that you could re Ricky! Well, Mother, what is your book about? It's the story of our family.
Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.
Oh, it should make a wonderful picture.
Yeah, yeah, those screwball comedies are very successful.
Uh, Mother, I wouldn't count too much on selling your book out there, you know.
They have an awful lot of material floating around.
Oh, ordinarily, yes, but now that Micky is a star, he can take my book right to Dore Schary.
Uh, Lucy, dear.
What? I would like to rehearse that scene again.
Would you step in the next room with me? No, not now, dear.
Yeah, now! No, I want to talk to mother.
I'm so glad to see you, Mother.
It's been such a long time.
Come on in the kitchen.
We'll have a nice, long talk.
Real long one; maybe three days or so.
Pardon us, dear.
There he is.
Now, that's Grandma's little darling.
Oh, come on, dear, now we're going to market.
Now, you be a good boy and mind Grandma, you hear? Mother, please, no c-a-n-d-y.
Oh, all right, all right.
Here we go.
Bye-bye.
Lucy? What? Now that we're alone, I'd like to speak to you.
Uh, well, I have some packing to do, dear.
We can talk later.
When? Well, when we get out to California.
Lucy, I want to speak to you and I want to speak to you now.
Now, look, I'm not gonna drive 3,000 miles in the same car with you mother.
Do you think three shirts will be enough for you, dear? 'Course not, I need at least a doz Never mind trying to get me off track.
I don't like the way things are developing around here.
I get a part in a picture.
It's all very simple.
You and I and little Ricky Lucy? are going to go to Hollywood.
And then all of a sudden, everybody that we've ever known is coming along with us! Oh, they are not.
They are, too! Why couldn't we go alone? Now, first you talked the Mertzes into horning in.
LUCY: I did not.
That was their own idea.
Well, they're tagging along now anyway.
And to top it off, you wanted to take your mother along, too.
Now, Ricky, don't get all excited.
Just be sensible.
I'm not gonna tell my mother she can't go when it means so much to her.
Well, somebody's got to tell her.
Well, you tell her! All right, I'll tell her.
Don't you dare! And that's that! What's that? She's going-- that's what's that! (slamming) (doorbell buzzing) Oh, hi, come on in.
Why so formal? That's the first time you've rung the bell in years.
RICKY: Hi! What's the matter? We have something to tell you.
Yeah.
LUCY: What? We can't go on your trip.
What? What?! What are you talking about? We're not going to California, that's what we're talking about.
But why? Well, we just changed our mind.
We don't feel like going anymore, that's all.
But what happened? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
You two act like you were sore at something.
Us? Sore? (laughs weakly) Come on, honeybunch.
Now, wait a minute, you two.
What is the matter? Nothing's the matter.
Go ahead and have a nice trip.
And don't forget to drop a postcard to Mr.
And Mrs.
Fred Horn-in-ski or, as we are more commonly known, the Tagalong Mertzes! Bon voyage! Well, I hope you're satisfied.
Me? What did I do? Ethel heard you! How could she have heard me?! How could she help hearing you with your big mouth and her big ears?! Now, look, I'm not going to take the rap for this.
I wanted the Mertzes along.
You know that.
This whole thing wouldn't have happened if you hadn't insisted to bring your mother along, too.
Honestly, your mother is the most Hello, mother! (Little Ricky fussing) Oh, darling Oh, Mother, I told you not to give him any candy.
Oh, is that what you spelled out? Oh Oh, now, one little lollipop won't hurt him.
And grandma knows what's best for him, doesn't she? You'd better put him down for his nap.
Okay, dear.
Oh, dear.
(Little Ricky crying) Who are you calling now? Ethel.
Oh.
Hello, Ethel.
Ethel, listen to me.
Ethel, listen! Now, you know Ricky didn't mean that.
You know how he is when he gets excited.
Now, listen, if I'd taken half the things he said to me seriously, I'd have left him long ago.
(click) What? Hello? Hello? She hung up.
Well, I don't blame her.
Lucy? Micky? I want to speak to you about something.
What is it, Mother? I didn't say anything in front of the baby because little pitchers have big ears.
I ran into the Mertzes in the hall.
Yes? They told me they're not going to California and I know why.
You do? Yes.
It's because of me.
Now, just a minute, Mother.
It has nothing to do with you.
Oh, yes, it has.
Everything was all right until I decided to go.
I'm the fly in the ointment.
Well, I'm not going.
You are, too.
Oh, no, I'm not.
Ricky Well, honey, she's made up her mind.
You tell my mother she has got to go.
Honey, you don't want to force her.
That would make her unhappy.
All right, let me tell you something.
If Mother isn't going, I'm not going.
All right, then let me tell you something.
If you're not going, I'm not going.
Okay.
Okay.
(knock at door) May we come in again? Why not? We got to talking it over and we decided we acted pretty childish.
Yeah, we cooled off.
We realize that Ricky said what he did because he was a little upset about your, uh But, anyway, he didn't mean it.
So, we're going to go on the trip after all.
Well, I hope you have a good time.
Send us a postcard when you get out there.
What do you mean? Nobody's going.
What's she talking about? We had a beef.
The trip has been called off.
And it's all my fault.
I realized that you weren't going because of me, so I Oh, no, honey, that wasn't it at all.
We had a little misunderstanding and we just decided to forget it, so now we're going.
Are you sure? ETHEL: Sure.
Well, I wasn't going to go because you weren't going to if I was going.
But if you're going when I'm going, I might as well go.
What did she say? I don't know, but I think she's going to go.
Of course she is.
And I wasn't going because she wasn't going.
But if she's going, I might as well go.
So, now everybody's going except, uh I'm out of the mood.
You four take the trip.
Now, Ricky, if you're not going, I'm not going.
But if Lucy's not going, I certainly am not going.
Well, if you three aren't going, we certainly can't Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Oh, what a bunch of characters I'm mixed up with.
Look, I'm going, everybody's going, Mother's going, everything's fine.
Now, the only thing I insist on is an early start.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, please pack all your things up tonight.
We're going to leave at 6:00 a.
m.
in the morning.
(chatting excitedly) Room for all these, Rick? Oh, yeah.
It's like a dance hall in here.
Here, give me those.
(grunting) This is all the heavy stuff.
The girls are bringing down some odds and ends later.
Oh, that's good.
Yeah.
There we go.
Fine.
See? Yeah, easy.
How about that, huh? Yeah, how about that? Well, you can always tie a rope on it and drag it along behind.
No, we got plenty of room.
Yeah, put it over there.
I'll just take a couple of these ones out of there and put it in this.
Now what happens? Well, I think if I put this one first, it'll work out right.
Why you put this in here for? I didn't put it in.
I did, dear.
I was just trying to help.
Oh.
Well, look, honey, whatever you got left up there, just put it on the sidewalk and then when we're ready for you, we'll fit it in, see? Okay.
Oh, listen, Mother made sandwiches so we won't have to stop for lunch.
Good! Well, thanks.
Yeah.
I'll get them all out of here.
All right.
All right.
You can put them down there.
Okay.
Do you think this will be enough lunch? Yes.
This is a heavy one.
Be careful with that.
Yeah.
I'm going to get in here, Fred, and you hand them to me.
See All right.
Okay? What do you want first? Give me that big one, Fred.
Yeah.
This? I got it.
It's heavy.
FRED: This one? Yeah.
That's it.
This is heavy, too.
Careful with that.
RICKY: Give me another one.
That one right there.
Now what, the fat one? Yeah.
Let's try the fat one there.
And I'll put this Watch-- now try it.
Back in here, see? FRED: Now, what about this? (Ricky murmuring) That's it.
That one Got it? Yeah.
Now, here's a little one, makeup kit.
No spot for that? No.
I got to take this one out.
Turn that around the other way.
That way.
Next.
Up with that.
This one? Now.
That little one will now fit in there.
Is that it? Yeah, that's done it.
There.
(exhaling) Okay.
Ay-ay-ay.
(sighing) There we are.
Isn't that great? Yeah.
Ahh! What's all this junk? Are they crazy or something? Oh Oh, no Lucy, what's all this junk? Junk? This is all necessary stuff.
ETHEL: Well, that's it, that's all.
Well, we can't take all this stuff.
We-we haven't got any more room.
Well, make room! It's impossible.
What do we do with it? Well, we'll have to live it here, that's all.
"Live" it here? We need all this.
(all talking over each other) (whistling) Wait a minute, will you? Now, I've been sizing this up and I think if we pack it all just right, we can make it.
That's ridiculous.
Why don't you let me try? Let him try.
Okay, try.
Now, Ricky, you go down in the basement and bring me a nice piece of good, strong rope.
Okay, I'll get you the rope.
What do you want us to do, Fred? Go on back in the house and relax, sit down! Get out of here! Okay.
Give me that, will you? Give me that! Give me that.
Put that Go on, get out of here! Go on with the rest of them! All right, this was quite a job, but I know how to pack this kind of stuff.
There it is.
Well now I've seen everything.
What's wrong with it? Well, for one thing, I can't see where I'm going.
Oh, no, no.
I figured that out, too.
I left you a nice driving view right down through the middle here.
Honestly, I could have loaded it better with a pitchfork.
Our nice Pontiac.
It looks like a laundry wagon.
Yeah, well, you got to admit, I got everything in.
Well, where are we going? (all complaining) FRED: Get in there.
There's plenty of room in there for This is the most ridiculous thing I've Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, everybody.
Listen to me.
Did it ever occur to any of us that we could send this stuff on ahead? Of course! What a bunch of jugheads we are! Sure, we'll be on the road two weeks.
It'll get there before we do.
Oh, dear, are we really going to be driving for two whole weeks? Well, of course, Mother.
It's 3,000 miles, and we're taking all those little side trips.
Well, in that case, there's something you ought to know.
What? I get carsick.
That's all, brother.
That's all.
Oh, Mother, not in this car, you won't.
This, this rides like a dream.
ETHEL: Oh, no, it wouldn't happen in this car.
Well, I had no idea it would take two weeks.
It didn't look that far on the map.
Oh, mother I think I'll go by plane.
Good! And I think little Ricky should go with me.
The baby? Gee, two weeks is a long time on the road, Ethel.
Yeah.
Uh, it doesn't cost hardly anything to send the baby on the plane.
What do you think, Ricky? I think it's a wonderful idea.
I do, too.
I think that's great.
Yeah, you take him on the plane.
Okay, let's repack the car, huh? Oh, now, just when I got everything all set! All set for what?! You couldn't even get through the Holland Tunnel with this mess that you got here! You'd better take this slow while Pull it all apart Well, you guys, I just brought you some little goodies to take along with you.
Oh, I'm certainly gonna miss you.
Thank you, Mrs.
Trumbull.
Thank you very, very much.
Isn't that dandy? Yeah.
Well, let's at least try to get out of here before it gets dark.
Well, Rick, you said You said you wanted to leave around and I think we can just about make it.
Yeah.
Now, Mother, you remember, if you have any trouble getting him to sleep, just sing to him in Spanish, huh? I don't know any Spanish.
Oh, well, play one of Ricky's records.
Okay, here we go.
LUCY: Okay, good-bye.
Bye.
Bye.
LUCY: Good-bye, Mrs.
Trumbull.
Don't forget to collect all the rents on the first of the month.
No, I won't.
And no matter how much they pound on the pipes, don't give them any more heat.
No, don't worry.
Okay, here we go! I'll take care of everything.
Here we go! Wait a minute, honey.
Let me kiss the baby once more.
All right.
Good-bye, sweetheart.
Bye-bye, darling.
Have a nice time.
Bye-bye.
Good-bye, Lucy! Good-bye, Micky.
(all calling out farewells) Bye! Good-bye, son! ETHEL: Bye, honey.
Bye, darling.
RICKY: Good-bye! LUCY: Bye! RICKY: Bye, son! Take care! RICKY: Bye! ETHEL: Bye-bye! Let's go! (up-tempo music playing) California, here I come Right back where I started from Where bowers of flowers bloom in the sun (Jolson-like): Yeah! Each morning at dawning, birdies sing at everything A sun-kissed miss said, "Don't be late!" That's why I can hardly wait Open up that Golden Gate, California, here I come Sing it, Freddy.
California, here I come (Jolson-like): Yeah! Right back where I started from Sing it, Daddy.
Where bowers of flowers bloom in the sun Each morning at dawning, birdies sing at everything Tell it.
A sun-kissed miss said, "Don't be late!" Don't be late? That's why I can hardly wait Open up! Open up! Open up! Open up that Golden Gate California here I (off key): come! come! ANNOUNCER: Next week I Love Lucy will be brought to you by Procter & Gamble, makers of Cheer.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) Mrs.
McGillicuddy was played by Kathryn Card.
Mrs.
Trumbull was Elizabeth Patterson.
I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.